That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

Day 26-

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  Since I am exploring a relationship again, I wanted to talk about vulnerability and conflict, as those were difficult to access the last time we were in one.

S:  Don’t you have to go Christmas shopping?

C:  Simon…

S:  Clean the RV?

C:  > : {

S:  Clip your toenails?

C:  Simon!

S:  Ugh!  I know.  We are in conflict right now.

C:  Why is that?

S:  I am avoiding the discussion.  Sorry.  I feel how this is important for us to have even though I feel like I have been here many times.

C:  Why do you feel it is important?

S:  Because conflict is important to our growth, especially me.  It has been a lifelong struggle.  Maybe even these past lives you talk about.

C:  What is the struggle about?

S:  Being vulnerable with a feeling and then either hurting someone’s heart or getting a defensive kick back.  One leaves me feeling guilty, the other hurt.

C:  Tell me more.

S:   I can feel how my templating for conflict was unhealthy.  My parents fought and left me feeling unsafe.  I didn’t like how it felt in my body.  It stayed there because they never really talked to me about it or it was never resolved between them.

C:  So you learned how to diffuse conflict so you didn’t have to reactivate that feeling inside.

S:  I guess so.

C:  This wounding feels like Peter to me.  Do you feel you are protecting him?

S:  Hmmm, I suppose so.  I feel how that is true.

C:  Peter?  Would you like to talk to me for a bit?

Peter:  I guess.  What about?

C:  Your mommy and daddy when you were a boy.

P:  What about them, Christopher?

C:  How did you feel when they fought?

P:  Scared.  They scared me, Christopher.  They yelled and broke things sometimes.  I just put my head under the pillow.

C:   I am so sorry, Peter.  You didn’t get any comfort from them afterward, did you?

P:   I don’t remember, Christopher.  I just remember being scared.

C:   When I get in a conflict how do you feel?

P:  I get scared again.  Like bad things gonna happen.  I just remember what I felt like and I don’t like it.

C:  Do I feel different from your mommy and daddy?

P:  Yeah.

C:  Do you trust that I would talk to you about it afterward?

P:  I think so.

C:  I pinkie swear that I will talk with you about whatever happens so you feel better about it okay, Peter?

P:  Okay.  I believe you, Christopoopoo.

C:  Good.  That makes me happy, Peter.  I will take care of you my little magical man.

P:  I’m not a man, silly.  Geez.  You need your glasses fixed.

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, Peter.  I love you.

P:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.  Hehehehe!

C:  : )  You still with me, Simon?

S:  Yep.

C:  So I feel like this will be good to help you let go of a responsibility to care take Peter.

S:  I do too.

C:  I want to focus on the image of conflict, seeing how you are my self-image part.

S:  Okay.  I feel like in a conflict I am afraid of becoming like my father.  Explosive.  I can feel how that would scare Peter.  Then that explosiveness would scare and hurt the other and that reminds me of my mother.

C:  So there is a lot going on here in the trauma in both you and Peter.  Do you feel that I would get explosive and hurtful?

S:  No, not in the way my father did.  I feel how I still hold a lot of anger toward both of them in the way they held themselves in conflict.  There is just no healthy template.

C:  What about Wayne and Jillian?

S:  Yeah.  That was good to be a part of.  I could still feel some Peter fear that I was holding onto that was coming from a mom and dad projection.  But feeling how Wayne still held love in his heart and Jillian not crumbling helped to feel how it can be different from my past experience.

C:  Yes.  That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

S:  I’ll say.  I never felt the love in conflict before.

C:  No you haven’t.  At least not until Jillian and Wayne.  It’s is going to mean you leaning into me, Simon, and trusting I can handle it.  I can feel how you are eager to heal that fear so you can be more relational, less hidden.

S:  Yeah.  I do feel tired of sticking my head in the sand.

C:  I feel like we just scratched the surface on this.  I would like to continue this later with you.  I want to spend time with Kathleen.  Is that okay with you?

S:  Yeah.  I would like to get into this more as well.

C:  Really?  Don’t you have some budgeting to do?

S:  Christopher….

C:  Dishes to wash?

S:  > : {

C:  Errands to run?

S:  Wise ass.

C:  Love you…

S:  : /  Love you, too…

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.