Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

Day 28

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Kathleen and how you are impacted.

S:  ‘Impacted’ sounds like a car crash.

C:  Okay.  Affected then.

S:  That sounds a little better.

C:  What comes up when I ask that?

S:  I feel like if I say something it may land in a way I didn’t intend.

C:  Sounds like management.

S:  Yeah.  You’re right.  I need to let you handle that one.  Old habits.

C:  This is what this is all about Simon.  Healing what prevents us from giving and receiving love.

S:  Okay.  My leading edge enjoys having someone around for you to relate to.  Someone for you to express love and feel love.  I enjoy that a part of her is similar to me.  Someone who gets why I am the way I am.  We can be that way together sometimes and get things done.  We also laugh at the same stuff and that is cool.  It’s like having a good friend around to share things with and do stuff with.

C:  That feels sweet, Simon.  I can feel your resonance with a part of her.  That feels like it affects you in a very good way.

S:  Yeah it does.  I feel like I can relate to someone.  I have always cordoned myself off from other people because of my fear of intimacy.  Like I can hang out for so long and then I need to get away to prevent getting too close.

C:  What would happen if you got ‘too close’?

S:  I feel like I would get exposed, become vulnerable to conflict which, as we talked about earlier, feels uncomfortable to me from my past experiences with my parents and past relationships.

C:  While I feel that is true on one level, I can’t also help to feel that is in service to the fear of something deeper.

S:  Like what?

C:  Maybe you are afraid of love itself.

S:  Hmmm.  I’m confused.

C:  Your experience of ‘love’ is skewed and jaded from your past experiences.  You really don’t know what true love is, do you?

S:  I don’t think I do, Christopher.  Love has always been felt as a struggle, a responsibility.  This is what I got from my parents.  I can feel how that was turned upside down with Jillian, but then it found its way there again, as if what was being offered by her was too much for me to accept as real.

C:  Well, don’t put that all on you, Simon.  Remember, it is a two-way street, but I can feel how you were conditioned to relate to love in that way.  There may be lifetimes in that conditioning.  I drew Jillian, and now Kathleen, for the purpose of experiencing real love that is “upside down”, as you said, from what you experienced in order to heal that conditioning.  To heal it into its right side up position.

S:  That makes sense.  I feel some sadness in never feeling real love transact between my parents.  I can feel how I ached for that feeling.  I couldn’t feel it in my friends’ parents either.  It was just the way it was.  I feel like I gave up on real love.  Like it doesn’t exist.

C:  Haven’t you felt it between Jillian and Wayne?  In session with Jillian and Wayne?  When Raianna was born?  On your wedding day?  In moments between me and Kathleen?

S:  Yes, Christopher.  I feel it now.  Thank you.  Ugh!  Why is my heart so buried, Christopher?  Why am I so afraid of something so beautiful and powerful?

C:  Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves, Simon.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

S:  I want to feel that love more, Christopher.

C:  I do too, Simon.

S:  As you were typing, I could also feel how my need to be solo is based on feeling like I never had my own space, my own choices.  I was always responding to someone or something else.  When Raianna moved, I felt that it was finally my time to live life on my terms only to continue to create more relationships to others rather than myself.  When you moved here, I felt like that possibility was gone.  I can admit that I threw a monkey wrench in your relationship to Kathleen.

C:  I feel why you did that, Simon.  I was not present enough to feel you at that time.

S:  I know, Christopher.  I am just walking this out.  I feel your desire for a mate.  I feel a desire to feel real love, and that is through you that I get it.  I can admit that I worry I won’t get that if you are with another person.

C:  You have every reason to believe that, Simon.  I have to prove myself to you each and every day that I will be here for you and give you the real love you need and deserve.  I love you with all my heart and you are the most important part of me.

S:  Thanks, Christopher.  That goes in deep.  My tears are for all the times I never felt that as a child.  Thank you for helping me to remember all the other times I felt real love.  It is out there.  It exists.  I just want more of it.

C:  Then you shall receive it because you are worthy of it.

S:  Still hard for me sometimes.

C:  Never said it would be easy.

S:  I am tired all of a sudden.

C:  That was a lot, Simon.  Let us rest up for Raianna’s visit so we can let in more love.

S:  Okay.  Sounds good.

C:  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.

C:  Seriously?  In this tender moment?

S:  : P

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.