I felt him before we were together. I could lay in my bed and feel his arms around me, sense his heart beat flowing along to mine. I had conversations with him that were so provoking, the deepest of context, the most enlivening of content. My laughs responded to his smile, his wit, his humour with absolutely no meanness. All of his passionate energy focused on me, I unfolded in his arms and in his heart gaze, over and over returning to the essence of me through what he could see.
This is how it felt for me even before Raphael and I began dating each other eight and half years ago. Many nights before we went on our first date, I could feel his energy in my field as my ‘next and probably most important mate’. I didn’t know that it was him specifically but feeling into it now, it is so clear that it WAS him. And similar to how a pregnant mother begins building a nest for her new baby, I started to build a nest in my heart and in my life getting ready for him.
This all feels so romantic, this story of falling in love and being in love and arising in love, even many ‘years’ later still we are falling in love together. And, it is, yes, romantic. Yet, also, love like this with what is truly your heart, soul, and body mate is a challenging crucible. Often when this kind of love enters your life, much has to be let go of in order to let it in. All the furniture of your old life gets rearranged in rapid fire. Relationships get sorted out fast. How are you are going to let this intense new energy into your life? How are you going to make room? What fits with this soaring new enlivening, heart opening, and soul expanding frequencies and what doesn’t?
For example, within weeks of starting to date each other, Raphael and I experienced the collapse of the spiritual practice, paradigm, and group that we had been deeply involved with for many years and within which we met each other. I was a facilitator of this work for years, deeply committed to my process as was Raphael. And then, we were challenged to choose our new emerging love over that which we had previously placed our devotion, the group.
The choice was easy in one way as my heart and soul just knew there was no going back out of this kind of love. A love I had been wanting for so very long. So, I said ‘yes’ even without knowing if it would continue to open out between Raphael and I. All of the people in the group, my deepest and closest soul family at the time, no longer would be in relationship with me, so I had to let go overnight of so many previously very meaningful connections…..and of the paradigm and process which had felt like my soul purpose path. The heartbreak of this spiraled me into a dark night of the soul where I literally felt like I was splintering into many pieces, going crazy, and the only heartrails I could feel were the incredibly touching love with Raphael and a supportive frequency of support from the Divine.
Many other shifts and changes have come and been chosen over the years, catalyzed by the love that moves between Raphael and I. Geography, relationships, money earning, belief systems…we have let it ALL go many times over the years. Yet, we have always let go of it together. And, in some moments, we have uncomfortably held the possibility that our union too is complete and that we need to let go of it. Always our own individual growth is primary and comes first. Fortunately, so far, our togetherness has served our growth and so we keep on finding our way together.
My heart is opening in this moment in large part because of what I experience with Raphael on a daily basis. We are two individuals, yes, and we are also within a union of feminine and masculine. This, I believe, is truly possible for anyone who is awakening and healing their heart and soul woundings to open their capacity to give and receive love. This process sends your beacon out into the world, which your mate hears and feels.
I do believe mates are ‘already within each other’ as the poet Rumi offers. So it is inevitable that yours will find you and you will find them. And, most likely, your life will change in very significant ways once you do. In the meantime, you can prepare your heart and soul through truly getting to know yourself. Building your nest out of self love and beaconing your heart out to the world. Letting go already of that which does not serve the Infinite Love in sacred human expression that you ARE in preparation for the stunning reflection of your bigness that is to come.
Jelelle Awen is an ascending teacher, Divine scribe, and co-creator-teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.