By Raphael Awen
If you were just to let the voice of your shadow speak, what would it say?
‘I’m bored as hell a lot of the time.’
‘I like service of others, it’s just people I don’t like.’
‘I know you come across as confident and together, but I feel afraid and confused much of the time.’
I’m afraid nothing new or good will ever happen for me.’
My dreams the last few nights have been about less-than-comfortable and awkward situations with people and life, not nightmares per sé, but maybe my closest version of one.
One of the dreams had a lot to do with my previous career as a painting contractor in situations where everything was going wrong, and I was stressed and very uncomfortable. That makes sense that for 30 years in a career where the conscious focus was about getting paid to make things go right, that a part of me would hold the awareness and fear of everything going wrong. It’s like a part of me used those fears that were parked in shadow of everything falling apart as a motivator to keep things going right. Parts of us use our fears to create our own in-house energy generators.
Here, the deal is that if you work hard at it on a number of fronts, the reward is ‘coming out on top’, whatever a dominant part of you defined that to mean, but at what cost? What about all the off-the-books costs that had to be taken out of account to hold this deal together? How does it really feel now to be in your skin? How do you fare in the domain of meaningful relationships? Do you feel real to yourself? Is sexuality just a teenagers peek-a-boo ground that you run from or that runs from you? Are you dependent on any number of life patterns to hold a semblance of sanity together? What are your real desires and frustrations in each area of your life? If suicide wasn’t frowned upon, would you want to just hit the delete button, or refresh button?
Going here to these questions will really kill the popular quest for happiness-at-any-cost party. It won’t feel good to go here. It will feel like a shit-hell of all that’s been avoided and parked under wraps in shadow. But, what’s the cost of not going here is the deeper question. What’s the real joy and bliss that you are even more afraid of experiencing?
I’m not sure exactly what triggered it for me, it was more of an accumulation of experiences and feelings, but when the ‘more’ sudden shifts came, I simply felt like I couldn’t breathe without getting real with myself and those in my world. My truth had been parked in my shadow and marked a threat to my happiness, but now it needed to pop out. A tipping point occurred that now determined that there was no longer any real happiness to be had in the pretense game of living to others duty and obligation pictures and belief systems, that parts of me also bought into and energized. ‘Fuck it all’ part of me said with a back pressure sufficient to blow the doors of my false world wide open. I told my beloveds that I was no longer a Christian, that I didn’t believe in heaven and hell like we were taught, or that I wanted to remain in my marriage for duty sake. Boom, entire world changed pretty much overnight, with some lead-in, and lots to live out.
Every one of us, I believe are being asked to come to terms with our shadow like never before. My big experience was thirteen years ago. It feels like the times have way intensified since then as Gaia herself and the collective consciousness are taking on their own shadows like the time is now!
So when will you feel done with excelling in one or two areas of life while losing it in the other areas? When will you own all that you really want and desire?
If this speaks to you, then I just had the privilege of mirroring your own truth to you. I have a new party to get on with and I’d like to invite you to check it out. In a few days, we will be announcing a new self-led, self-paced approach to SoulFullHeart called PREP, as well as redefining what we now call DEEP, involving weekly sessions. Both are life changers.
There’s more where this comes from!
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.