The Veils Are Thin: Feeling The Hell Within

A few weeks ago I was invited to move from being a SoulFullHeart facilitant to become a facilitator of this work and was offered to become an Apprentice Facilitator by Jelelle as there was interest expressed in sessions by people who are not fluent enough in English and need a German/language or cultural bridge. Yet also because it felt like it was time in my process and the embodiment of the process/lifestyle after all these years of applying it inside and out is there too. I was invited to step into my bigness, soul purpose and leadership.

I didn‘t have a reaction to this at all when she first asked me how I would feel about it and I actually felt very calm, centered and that it was time to step up and claim my next place of service, growth and my hard earned bigness and also to move from receiving to giving back and sharing what I had learned and how it served and changed me. That was a sign for me that the timing was right for this.

Then the time came and I got my first two facilitants and sessions and I had major rumbles happening inside of myself that wreaked havoc in my entire being and soul. The themes have been mainly not being good/advanced/knowledgeable enough which has felt extremely disempowering, crippling even, I have been experiencing a heightened state of reactivity, perfectionism and a core unworth being pushed up and dominating my experience of life and I have been feeling like I wasn‘t able to access and feel my heart either.

I have felt a total block of my intuitions, my mental clarity and ability to make intuitive connections and of my clairs and overall spiritual and emotional capacity. I could feel a suction and seducing into 3D money earning vs. moving into soul purpose and an activation of the lower 4D matrix within myself as well, bleeding through with abduction memories accompanied by feelings of panic & terror and migraines.

It was all a big quagmire of reactions, blocks, waves of self-doubt, inner fusions/enhancement of trauma-bonds between parts, a feeling of being lost, confused and hopeless and a thick blanket of forgetfulness/amnesia put on top of it all.

At the same time I was also realizing and feeling that the ‘old’ ways didn‘t work for me any more either and haven‘t for a while. The independent freelance online teaching job that has been so empowering and freedom-giving, financially and personally, that comes as little 3D anchored as possible and has allowed me to build a life that is very sovereign and abundant in many ways, yet ultimately isn‘t fulfilling my heart or soul and is not my purpose this life.

Or my beloved TV shows that I like to watch, that have provided me with a sense of friendship and family when I had none and even belonging, particularly in my Lone Wolf phase. Yet realizing that I had outgrown them and that they actually serve to cap me on how deeply (or not) I can let in actual beings in my life/(soul) family that I live in close proximity to.

This leadership activation moved me into deeper layers of mourning and grieving the old ways and bits and pieces of the old world that I had lived in for so long this life that haven‘t been grieved before and now needed to be felt in order to move on and up.

I started feeling too that there was a big part inside of me that does not yet believe in a world that is not a hell. That part has unplugged from the 3D and lower 4D matrix significantly, yet hasn’t quite turned the corner on actually being settled and home in an inner heaven and I could feel there’s still more unplugging left to do.

That part has been living in a void space for a very long time and it needs the bridging and time it needs to feel through all that. That turning the corner part of the process, the moving from hell to heaven, felt very significant for me to feel into as I want to be able to offer that ‘turnaround’ in session space as well and only my authentic felt through and lived in experience can provide that.

Recently I have been feeling how all of these themes that I mentioned above have been trickling in inside of myself, leaking like an open matrix leak right into my inner world and flooding it, giving me tastes of pieces that need healing, yet not letting me into them and actually feel them and thus heal them and poisoning myself and my parts. That‘s when I knew it was my Gatekeeper aspect and I needed to connect with her directly.

The Gatekeeper aspect can be a very elusive and hard to track energy inside of yourself, even insidious, a part wants to say. They just sneak into your consciousness, infiltrate it and you don‘t even realize it’s them as they can ‘come through‘ other parts, masking and veiling themselves. They can be a sorceress that way.

But only when connecting directly with them and feeling things directly with them, instead of feeling them through other parts, can they actually be helped.

When I connected with her in meditation space directly this morning (as I had grown tired of this immense suffering loop inside of myself and the lack of care from her towards me and my parts), I was able to feel her directly in her pain and suffering. A pain that sometimes can’t even be named, just felt. But upon providing that space for her and also inviting Divine Mother into it, as I could feel I needed help with this one and felt that I was a bit out of my depth with her too, she was able to unravel into that space and really let me feel with her the source of her pain.

There was a question of ‘Why even bother and go into all these dark and painful places that need healing when it could be that we come here again and have to do it all over again?’ I was feeling with her the feeling of gaining Love, living it, getting used to it and then losing it all again in the blink of an eye.

And the realization of the overwhelming darkness she has been used to and living in that has been her whole world and not being able to see the light, the love, the goodness, the safety, the empowerment.

That darkness HAS been her entire world. Not having a bigger picture sense of what the world could be beyond that darkness and already IS is a deep ground of suffering for that part. In a way, it’s more painful for parts to move out of the darkness and into love if there’s a chance of losing it again. So they do everything to keep you in the darkness, in the pain, in the suffering and block your growth, your bigness and the love and intimacy you have in your life.

That felt like one deep source of all those reactions and blocks I had experienced. That explained the resistance to announcing my facilitation offer, to even feel into it for myself and what and who I can and want to serve and to out myself more through writings and videos. If that is the fear of part of me, then it will do everything to keep me from stepping into my bigness and carrying this healing offer into the world because this work has the capacity to move you from hell to heaven.

I have come to realize that one of the antidotes to this is feeling your own true desires and intentions. That is what has the capacity to pierce through thick veils of suffering like that, and claiming those desires over and over again, along with your bigness of heart and soul. Yet, make no mistake, you will be tested on those! You will have to fight through thick layers of crazy-making self-doubt, self-judgment and self-punishment, over and over again, and claim your power and bigness of heart and soul over and over and over again. Recognizing strategy after strategy and realizing, yes, this part IS doing that, even if it wants to keep you in the dark and self-doubt about that too. But then also realizing it is done out of a deep fear and to have compassion for that yet it can also have tones of not caring for you and your parts and they need your protection, especially the younger ones.

Finding a balance between setting boundaries, compassion and truth finding and telling with that aspect has been the way to navigate this for me.

Another antidote has been sharing my heart with my close circle of beloveds that I live in close proximity to whenever I felt to retract or when self-doubt was eating me alive. The reflections/mirrors of my bigness and value and appreciation for me and my process from soul family has been a crucial aspect for me in moving through all this and in keeping to move through ongoingly. And now not only to share within the circle of my beloveds but ‘publicly’ too, feels like, to template transparent and vulnerable leadership.

Even though I did not have an answer for her in that moment this morning and all I could do was sit with her and Mother in that feeling, without doubting it or wanting to make it better or perhaps even feeling not being able to make it better, that feeling space alone was so powerful to move her out of that stuck place she was in and move her a bit more into trust, hope and possibility, and I could even feel her own desire perk up a little bit. Quite quickly I was able to feel Mother’s love swooshing in and taking over the space, a space that was filled with doubt and suffering before. Through feeling through that doubt and that painful feeling/question, that space got freed up to now be claimed by and through Love and the Divine.

That would be another antidote, I’m just feeling, to fully receive one part’s truth, feel it fully with that part, totally receiving it in your heart and just feeling all the textures it comes with, without trying to have an answer or wanting to mitigate it somehow. Acknowledging where that part is, being ok with that and not feeling like it ‘should’ be in a place it’s not. LET it BE TRUE.

This does not mean that this ‘issue’ is healed now, that question is still not ‘answered’ and it feels like it‘s going to be an ongoing exploration. But I can feel some more air inside of myself now, a trust that has grown inside, a bit more Love moved in inside and more energy and clarity freed up about next choices and how to navigate them. Plus I feel more intimate with and connected to this part of me now that has been making life choices and navigation really difficult for me so far. I have gotten more intimate with myself today and this part, which then can express more on the outside as well.

Love,

Bey Magdalene

I offer 1:1 sessions in German and English. If you feel drawn to explore the possibility of working with me, I do offer a free intro call as well where we can talk about the process and how it may serve you and if it is the right time and approach for you. You can book a free intro here: https://www.soulfullheart.org/shop

More about sessions here: https://www.soulfullheart.org/sessions

*** Bey Magdalene is a SoulFullHeart Apprentice Facilitator and Community Member. She offers sessions in German and English. For more information on community, videos, group calls, and 1:1 sessions with a SoulFullHeart Facilitator, visit soulfullheart.org.

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