Tag: connecting with god

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: I think I sort of know where I’d like to go today.

DF: Great, where’s that?

W: I’d like to get your help on something I’m feeling in relationships about the difference between boundaries and compassion. I’m stuck somehow though to even phrase the questions I have somehow. How’s that for confused?

DF: That’s perfect actually. Finding and formulating the right questions is key to finding your truth.

W: Good, so how do I do that?

DF: Tell me the setting or the feeling space where the quandary arises for you.

W: Okay. I’m in a few email correspondences again with people from my past, or someone new to me, where I like to express compassion. It’s nourishing and just plain fun for me to experience myself being this way with people. But the quandary comes up for me when I feel their lack of interest in who I am and what my values are. They will gladly be touched by the compassion, as much as they can let it in, but then I can also feel the resistance to let themselves have a deeper inquiry into who I am, and what I value. At some point then in the emerging relationship, I’m getting uncomfortably close to unhealthy caretaking when they can’t reciprocate or show up for a real relationship.

DF: It’s quite easy actually from the beginning to feel what the capacity of the other person is to actually have a healthy relationship. I love that you open your heart and lead with compassion. That’s who you are, and that’s a reflection of the work you’ve done. Having a genuine interest in another person and who they are and what their needs and desires are is what healthy relationships are made of. However, when only one, or none of the people in the equation really has that heart open interest and inquiry into each other, it’s some kind of medicative and unhealthy glue that is holding the relationship together. If your willing to feel it as the relationship is forming, it’s easy to feel what the likely unfolding is going to be, but then the question arises if that is enough for you.

W: Exactly.

DF: Sounds like you know this one.

W: I do.

DF: Well, no sense preaching to the choir, Wayne. What’s your deeper quandary about then?

W: That’s what I set out to find out with you today.

DF: This is kind of cool actually, Wayne, both the teacher and the student don’t quite know what they are trying to get at, but both can feel an itch they can’t quite scratch, and in that, they are together. And in that, a knowing that didn’t exist before can arise.

W: Something’s coming up for me now. It’s the deeper vulnerability of feeling that if I bring my true needs into an arising relationship, as well as condition my relating to getting those needs met, I’m going to lose the connection. I’m left alone.

DF: But here’s the deal. Settling for a shallow relationship that isn’t nourishing isn’t actually a relationship. It may be what many consider a relationship, but really, it’s just settling for company to alleviate the pain of the aloneness.

W: Been there, done that.

DF: I know you have, Wayne, and I know too, that you are done with that.

W: I do to, Father. I know I am done with that. So then what am I trying to get at today?

DF: Maybe it’s just letting in that something totally new and brand new is here for you in the arena of relationships. If what you have with Jillian is any indicator, as well as Christopher, I’d say sacred friendship is truly dawning on your horizon. Something has crept up on you and it’s time to celebrate it.

W: That goes in, Father. I think I am actually just having a bit of trouble digesting a chunk of goodness. It’s also a celebration of being done with plenty of looping and suffering in relationships where I couldn’t be let in.

DF: Time to get used to being let in, instead of shut down.

W: And what’s really cool, Father, is the no more suffering around all of this.

DF: Uh,huh. You already said that.

W: I did, didn’t I?

DF: It must mean something to you, Wayne. Yes, no more suffering. Risking bringing your true needs into the relationship is what creates the possibility for you to actually form a true and deepening and nourishing relationship. It is also what sorts out, in lightning speed, if that just isn’t in the cards.

W: And if it isn’t in the cards, then the compassionate thing to do is to prove that, accept that and compassionately let the person go.

DF: Anything short of that would be staying in the suffering.

W: Which might be fine for so many, but my emotional body just doesn’t do that any longer, no more than my stomach can handle my much beloved and long time friend of coffee.

DF: That’s it, Wayne. What worked in the past, no longer does. Accepting that is accepting the changes you’ve chosen; the work you’ve done; the tears you’ve cried; and the future you earned. This is yours, Wayne, if you want it, and I know you do, and no one can take it away from you. This is one of those treasures stored up in heaven where moth and rust does not corrupt.

W: I think this is exactly what I needed to get to with you today. A ritual if you will, an acknowledgment of something ending and something beginning, a rite of passage.

DF: I hereby declare an end to this suffering and a beginning of a new day.

W: And I hereby accept that declaration.

DF: See that Wayne, we entered the territory of not knowing our way to knowing together. We found the itch and we scratched it good. That’s cool enough, but what we did was to do it relationally. We felt each other and opened our heart and partook of a love flow that you just can’t get to by yourself.

W: I want more of that.

DF: And that’s key to having this, Wayne, is being willing to want it. ‘Want not, have not’ is the rule of the abundant and compassionate universe. All you can let in is yours for the asking.

W: Thank you so much, Father. I’ll let in this rite of passage.

DF: Your Welcome, Wayne. Sacred you-man.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Jillian asked the other day when I was going to talk about her and I in our dialogues, and that question has got me wondering.

DF: I imagine so.

W: Really, maybe you can help me sort it out.

DF: I’d be glad to, but I prefer to let you lead with your need. It just seems to work better that way. Tell me about your wondering.

W: It seems the light is shining on my wondering as soon as I mentioned it to you. I get why I have hesitated to talk openly about our relationship. One is that both braggarts and bragging are a turn off to me. But another, deeper, and I suspect the truer reason for keeping the shades pulled some on our relationship is that part of me still feels vulnerable for having something so out of this world. I’ve never been around another couple that has anything resembling what we have together. It’s been a very private experience. The only way there has been to digest our uniqueness is with each other, and that just serves to making me feel more separated from what people settle for in romance.

DF: I’m really glad you’re opening this out today, Wayne. I get the distaste for bragging thing. Someone whose bragging is really doing it out of a hunger for love in the form of recognition, or being liked, they’re just going about it in a way that won’t actually get them what they really want. In your case, you and Jillian live inside of what most are not capable of even dreaming of. Seeking to keep that hidden because it feels vulnerable to let it be seen how strange and different you are is understandable.

W: Especially, Father, because of how private and personal relationship is. That’s what makes it so rewarding. It’s like a treasure that I’m happy most of the time to keep to myself.

DF: And then Jillian comes along and asks when you’re going to share about your relationship.

W: Exactly.

DF: Women pull off stuff like that don’t they?

W: Tell me about it. Father.

DF: No, I’d like you to tell me about it, Wayne. And I think the universe is the one really doing the asking, and Jillian is just picking up on that. Why do you think romance portrayed in writing and film is so addictive? It’s because it goes to the deepest heart of us, and our longings for what can be.

W: I’m still a bit hesitant, Father, and don’t know where to begin.

DF: That’s understandable. I’m in no hurry, and I think it will be well worth the wait. If you are up for it, that is.

W: Trying to describe a feeling reality by getting all heady trying to describe it feels really difficult. I am up for it, to share, that is. I’ll just need to be patient with myself to find my way.

DF: Perfect, Wayne. Thank you for accepting the challenge to use words to share about the heart. I’m going into full listening mode, with my heart open. I can feel and fill in what the words can’t do justice to.

W: My first contact from Jillian, a complete stranger, was her sending me a 3 sentence email in a business setting. I got all reactive like I’d never received an email from a woman before. I met her in a seminar some months later, and the attraction came right back to the surface. 3 years and some history later, we became a couple. Now, I can see that we needed the time to get ready for each other and the relationship and what it would ask of us. And ask of us, it did. Geography immediately came up, living a country and 1000 miles apart. Our entire social world came up as well as the spiritual group we were deeply apart of kicked us out on account of our relationship (Much too long of a story to put in here, dear reader, you can read it all if you’d like, Jillian wrote a book about it called; ‘Under The Bloated Banyen’ available on our website). I vacated so much of my entire reality to embrace the relationship and the connection that was so completely life changing. The ease of being together was just the entry point. The joy and fulfillment of sharing current life and feeling into an unfolding future together was so off the chart to me, I felt like I entered another planet. And really, Father, I did, and I still feel that way.

DF: You’re doing just fine, Wayne. Thank you for warming up to this. Please keep on.

W: Okay. Here goes. I suppose I should mention that it’s not like we don’t or didn’t have clashes or differences. We have had clashes that sometimes only compared in scope to the goodness of what dropped into our lap. The intensity of our clashes has lessened and I trust is continuing to, as I believe that we were just minimally ready to be in what we were given. It’s crazy vulnerable to be in something so all encompassing, so good, so rewarding, so beautiful with a very unique human with sexuality upping the ante big time and to embrace and face conflict with as open a heart I could find. It’s like, Father, everything that I experienced in relationship before was preparation for what I entered with Jillian 7 years plus ago. And then on top of that, the relationship never stops beginning really, dependant on how willing we are to keep entering it. Honeymoon is a reality, because both partners risk to enter. It’s the willingness to continue to risk that keeps the sweetness and goodness and surprise over the moon.

DF: Amen, brother.

W: Thank you for that Amen. Forgive me for getting a bit preachy. Even as I set out to open up about Jillian and I, I feel how it’s still a bit more comfortable for a part of me to talk about the values of our relationship, rather than the relationship itself. I’m going to see if I can stay on the relationship.

Jillian is laying 3 feet away from me as I type this dialogue, reading, looking beautiful, and emanating sweetness. Our life is an orbit around each other. Even when either of us needs some space to themselves, it’s all in the anticipation of reconnecting. I’m planning on a city trip with Christopher tomorrow for the day and I actually have an anxiety about being that far apart from Jillian for that long. The return trip and our embrace will be the only thing that can alleviate that anxiety. Some may want to write us off as codependent. I’d actually have to accept the charge, as I know, that losing my relationship with Jillian would feel like the end of my life. Certainly the end of my life as I know it now. I’d have to trust the universe to give me some sort of a rebirth equal to the one that began our relationship for me to be anything less than suicidal. If that’s codependent, that’s what I am. And I’m proud of it. It’s taken all the guts and balls I could and can muster to keep up with her and us, and what life brings us because of our togetherness. Moving to Mexico and exodusing Canada was simply the latest requirement that our relationship beckoned. Wow, I warmed up to this, Father. How am I doing?

DF: You are doing so good, Wayne. You’ve needed to do this. It was going to hinder your relationship if you couldn’t make this current claim. It wasn’t just that Jillian wanted to hear you gush about your relationship, although I’m sure that’s all true too, but she and the universe longs for a man who can claim his truth without bragging and without apology. Feel into if there’s more you want to say, Wayne. I’m not going anywhere.

W: I feel liberated somehow, like keeping all of this goodness in private was somehow weighing on me. In that, I feel how the goodness of my moment by moment with Jillian offset the loneliness of it being such a private experience. I feel how I want to share what I have, as well as receive support by being around other couples that are willing to go in this deep and keep going.

DF: Wayne, I feel how that’s what the universe wants for you both as well. The universe just needed this outing from you.

W: So, keep my eyes open for what’s ahead…?

DF: Yes, keep your eyes and heart open. You’ve been willing to live this from the heart and there is no greater thing that seeds that into the realm that births out more of the same for those ready and willing to embrace that.

W: That sounds good.

DF: I’ll say. If you want it and keep wanting it, Wayne, the saying that you’ve only just begun can be a never ending reality for you.

W: You mean like honeymoon sex all the time?

DF: Yup. That and more, and then some more if you can handle it.

W: Thank you, Father, for holding space for this today.

DF: You are so mega welcome, Wayne. Mega welcome.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Thank you, Father, for being so readily available and heart open. That’s what I feel from you when I say hello, and receive your hello in return.

DF: I’m so glad that’s true for you. You know, the hardest thing about having an abundance of love and wanting to share it is finding hearts for it to be received into, and felt.

W: I’m glad that’s true for me too, and I feel how there is also room for it to be more true. In the midst of deep change, I need a way to feel through my reactions, what I need, and what I miss.

DF: What do you miss, Wayne?

W: I know I miss some of the old familiar at times. For me, that had to do with finding comfort in going to a coffee shop, or a bakery, in the midst of a busy town or city. I miss earning money, and simply buying what we wanted or needed. I miss clothes and shoe shopping, for sure.

 

DF: It’s natural and normal that you attached to things and found comfort in them in your life in Canada.

W: And Father, it wasn’t that those things were so deeply fulfilling. Actually, more often, I was trying to fill a deeper need when I reached out for those comforts. Those deeper needs are what followed me here to Mexico.

DF: What does it feel like those deeper needs are?

W: So much of what we talked about already…, intimacy inside of real community, feeling connected to the divine, feeling a resonant lifestyle with what really matters.

DF: Wayne, shut out, if you can, just now, your awareness of anyone else reading this, and see if you can answer the question again. What does it feel like your deeper needs are?

W: I want to feel unique. I want to feel special. I want to feel sought after and wanted. I want to feel supported, guided and mostly, I want to feel love.

DF: There, you got it, much better. Now, imagine yourself feeling wave upon wave of those good feelings.

W: Okay, I’m doing that.

DF: Now, tell me about the things you miss again.

W: Wow, Okay, Father, that’s trippy. Every one of them I can feel was a wanting to address these deeper needs.

DF: What did the coffee shop or bakery represent?

W: People gathering together, bringing their appetites, partaking of life’s goodness.

DF: And what did clothes shopping represent?

W: Feeling myself as special, and attractive, and unique.

DF: …And how about the earning money part?

W: Feeling myself as powerful.

DF: Now, tell me, if these things that you miss ever gave you what you actually wanted or needed?

W: They really didn’t, Father. I can feel what they did was give me a way to manage my disappointment around not getting these needs met.

DF: We need to stop right here, Wayne, and feel what a milestone this moment of realization is. These don’t come along very often.

W: Wow, so what I actually miss doesn’t have anything to do with deep fulfillments, but more to do with the mechanisms that helped me manage a deep unfulfillment.

DF: And what else does it tell you about you?

W: That I settled for that.

DF: Exactly, until of course you didn’t.

W: Which brings us to the present.

DF: So what then is the alive and healthy present?

W: It’s a willingness to feel my actual un-fulfillment, rather than seeking to manage it.

DF: Yes, a willingness to feel fluent with something, to use your words; your ache for uniqueness, specialness, support, being sought after and loved. Wayne, the doorway to fulfillment is feeling your unfulfillment.

W: I still somehow have it wired up Father, that the goal is feeling deep enjoyment or pleasure, and that something is wrong with me if I’m not there.

DF: Wayne, feeling deep joy and pleasure doesn’t do well as a goal to be achieved. The better goal to attain is being willing to feel what your actual needs are. Only a willingness to feel your actual needs and wants can ever lead to a true and deep fulfillment of them.

W: So, Father, why am I resistive to feeling my actual needs?

DF: …you, and the rest of your kind, Wayne. This is the challenge of humanity. What can you feel about this resistance?

W: It feels like the key to my humanity. If I am surrendered to being human, then my deepest humanity is expressed in feeling my deepest needs. Animals are so much happier with so much less because their needs are so much less.

DF: And what then does feeling the things you miss from life in Canada feel like now?

W: It feels like a part of me is in negotiation with me about letting in more of what I really want, and when this part of me is feeling resistant to that, it actually yearns for what it was familiar with and even frames that as better than what it has now.

DF: Well said. Now, what does going forward look like?

W: It’s really about feeling what real need is surfacing when a missing feeling is up for me. Feel the part of me in resistance, see if we can come to terms with letting in new and more love; more of what we most deeply want.

DF: This is the real enlightenment that the universe is offering now, Wayne. It’s not a flood of light, where someone becomes permanently in a state of joy or happiness. Rather, it’s an en-light-en-ment of making one’s burdens light. In the words of Yeshua, ‘my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ The crazy heavy and impossible burden is trying to get your deepest needs met through something short of feeling what you are actually wanting.

W: Part of me is amazed that it’s taken this much and this long, Father, to come to this juncture.

DF: I understand that feeling, Wayne, but what else is there that’s worth more?

W: Nothing at all really, Father. Me coming into more and more of being at home in me, in the divine, in my relationship with others and all of life is really just another way of saying what I said earlier.

DF: Which was?…

W: Which is that what I really want is to know and feel loved, special, unique, wanted.

DF: If there was something to set up a communion table of rememberance for, Wayne, this would be it. You’d do well to never ever forget this one.

W: Thank you, Divine Father. My needs are met to overflowing again.

DF: You’re welcome and thank you. Thank you for receiving my love.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Hello Divine Father

DF: Hey Wayne, How are you?

W: Pretty good.

DF: What’s going on?

W: Well, yesterday I prepared an email to an old friend that I haven’t been in contact with for a long time about inviting him to begin reconnecting and to check out our Soulfullheart Community. I had some reactions to that and I’d like to feel them through with you.

DF: Sounds good, Wayne, go ahead.

W: Well, I led with transparency and vulnerability like we talked about. That felt really good. Then, part of me definitely felt how what I am inviting him into is a complete overhaul of his life.

DF: Say more about the reactions?

W: A big reaction for a part of me was feeling how strange we must seem to people. We hold a picture of present and coming collapse of industrial society, and have divested of our reality inside of the money-suburban-industrial world. Also, we live off grid on the ranch here which alone has very few takers, given the ease and luxury of industrial society that is still to be had. Then there is how we relate to each other and ourselves through the picture of parts or sub-selves, and the deep intimacy we share. It all adds up to one big off grid reality.

DF: I so feel how strange this all can feel looking at it through the eyes of others. But tell me, does it feel strange to you?

W: No it doesn’t. It just feels like life as I know it. There have been and are still ongoing adjustments, but it doesn’t feel foreign or strange to me.

DF: Good. I’m glad that you feel that at home inside of you. In one way, Wayne, any leader is a leader because they lead into the strange and unfamiliar. Leaders lead into the gap of between where they have gone and the person they are leading hasn’t. There’s a difference between only seeking a friendship and seeking to lead as well as be in a frienship, and it’s tricky to embrace both.

W: I can so feel, Father, how what I want is both. But what part of me struggles with is: does my leadership and passion for something get in the way of true friendship arising?

DF: Having a deep leadership and passion in your heart and life IS you. You can’t somehow exclude that side of you and be in a friendship. You were feeling that lately how offering yourself as a painter in exchange for money no longer works for you, and rightly so. You outgrew a very comfortable box, and now you can’t fit back in. That was your choice. No one forced that on you. You changed you, irreversibly. That’s scary, no doubt, until all of you catches up with the new reality and deconstructs the trailing conditioning and familiarities of the old reality, but you led this, Wayne, no one else. It may have come to you through the instrumentation of others, but even that was a product of your choices. This is who you are now, and any one that is drawn to you will naturally resonate around the same values as you.

W: What I hear you saying is that I can’t shrink myself to something that I’m not, and I can’t apologize for being that either. In one way, I am selling something, but not with insincere motives. I have the opportunity, if I want it, to be leading something centered in my heart, where I can be so transparent about what I am offering and why I want someone else to embrace it, so in my center, without even a shred of hiding any aspect of what I am offering, what it costs, and the benefits it brings me and them.

DF: So how does that make you feel?

W: It makes me feel empowered. I get to be fully me. That changes everything. Those who don’t resonate won’t take a bunch of my life and theirs to find that out. Those who do resonate will resonate because I was as clearly me as I was, without hiding.

DF: Yeah, man.

W: I wished I could write a song about now.

DF: I know a really good black rapper.

W: Would you talk to him about me?

DF: Sure thing, Man….

There’s a guy called Wayne.

He wanna end the pain,

No fuckin’ around

playin’ facebook pretend

with 5 thousand friends.

 

W: Don’t let me stop you…

DF: Leave it with me, man, leave it with me.

W: Thank you Divine Father. You so help me catch up with myself.

DF: I get that. You’re welcome, man. Sacred you-man.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Note To Readers: It’s Christopher and Divine Father today, Not Wayne

C: Buenas tardes, Father.

DF: Buenas tardes, mijo. Como estas?

C: I just woke up from a nap. Feeling a little groggy but I really wanted to journal with you. I have nothing specific up but I wanted to talk just the same.

DF: I enjoy our conversation whether we go deep into feeling or not. I love that you are open to connecting with me without needing to be in crisis to do so.

C: Yeah, me too, Father. I remember in Santa Rosa always talking at you when I would go hiking, rather than talking with you like I am now. Feels so much more satisfying and it touches my heart not just my mind.

DF: It takes some guidance, modeling, and practice for many. Just like others may read these words and feel inspired to do so. But what is the most important is what is transacting between you and me, Christopher. I love you very much and my heart is filled with joy when we talk. I really do mean that.

C: Thank you so much, Father. I can’t image you say anything that isn’t full of meaning, that is why am so touched. It is why I keep wanting to connect with you just as I did Mother when I was journaling with Her. I can feel how a part of me always feels like there needs to me some content to talk about, but what I am just getting that maybe it is just feeling our love for each other that matters.

DF: The words are just a way to get to that very thing, Christopher. They are the means to feel each other in loving exchange. This is not a one way street, mijo. I receive more from you than you can possibly imagine.

C: That is still hard to let in sometimes, Father, but I am getting there. I am beginning to feel you as not just some far off entity but an energy that is sitting right with me as I type and also when I am not. I like that.

DF: That is all I have ever wanted with anyone, Christopher. To be felt in that way. I don’t want to be relegated to the heavens. I want to be here with you, next to you, around you, and inside you. I want to be a true Father to you in all the ways you need me to be that brings you to your most beautiful alive self. I want to feel that take root in all my children, especially my sons. Oh, my sons.

C: I feel an ache in that, Father.

DF: Yes, thank you for acknowledging that. Even I have pain. Mother and I are not just about Joy. We experience pain for everyone everyday.

C: What is it about your sons that you feel pain about, Father.

DF: I feel how hardened they have become. So closed off to their true humanity in the name of ‘manliness’. The need to compete with each other instead of cooperate. The need control all aspects of their life rather than being in trust and play. The need to destroy rather than living in balance. The killing of each other over there perceived righteousness. There is so much goodness in all men, if they could just feel me and how much I love them, I could give all they didn’t get and needed when they were a child. Even though I know there is a greater purpose to this condition, it still pains me to feel all the self-hatred, unworthiness, and abuse toward each other. But it is the arising relationship with those like you and Wayne that give me so much hope and faith that we, the sacred masculine, will find our way to a place of true heart and soul connection. That there will be a calvary of men to lead humanity into a new world centered and grounded in the heart, the soul, and the earth.

C: Wow. I want that as much for me as I do for you, Father. My heart just balooned and swelled as you said those words. I guess the big question for me is what does this ‘sacred masculine’ look and feel like?

DF: What would you like it to look and feel like?

C: Hmmm…you put me on the spot. I feel how I would like men to drop the machismo bullshit for starters. I don’t want men to consider each other in some narrow frame. That if you don’t fit in that narrow frame you are judged as this or that. I want the frame to widen but not to a point of any behaviour being considered sacred. I want men to feel sacred, Father. How can there be sacred masculine without the Sacred?

DF: Kind of a big criterion if you ask me.

C: I would think you would. Okay, so I would like men to feel their dad wounds with other heart open men to help heal the machismo thing. It has to be man to man or else it doesn’t get to move. From this healing I feel a much healthier relationship between men, one in which we can conflict with each other without pulling out a piece so solve it.

DF: That IS the healing right there, isn’t it Christopher? The dad wound. Hard to get to the true Sacred with that elephant in the room. But that elephant is a golden one. It comes with a ton of gifts and love. It is just so hard for men to see that as a possibility. The desire to face their wounds as a source of true power. Men, as a result of their dad wounds, are searching for power and control because they were stripped of it as a child. They were also not given the love they needed to feel fully accepted in the world as a man and so they are out there defining there own ‘man’ without respect for how that affects others. It takes a really courageous person to want to go there, but I know they are there. They just need to feel there are others out there speaking the gospel of the wounded male with an open heart and a desire to help.

C: I couldn’t agree more, Father. As I started my SoulFullHeart process and began to work with Wayne, I could feel how foreign and awkward it was to a part of me, but also how desirable and needed at the same time. A part of me needed to feel the heart of a healthy man to bring me to my wound and feel it together in real time. Now I can be a dad to my own parts and the healing can continue.

DF: It is a real gift that SoulFullHeart offers that. To be able to be a dad to your male and female parts is the path to self-love. What men need most is self-love. They really don’t like themselves because their dad didn’t like themselves either. It is a tragic legacy that is being handed down generation after generation and it just spreads and grows like a cancer in the soul of man. I don’t see how we reach all men before something tragic happens, but to be there for any man both before and after will be a powerful act of transformation and evolution. Thy Will be done.

C: Amen, Father. I love feeling this with you and I would like to continue it. I have some watering to do but we can reconnect later and feel more.

DF: Yes, please Christopher. It is a urgent topic, one that will find its way into the hearts that are ready to hear and feel it. I will meet you there. Wanna race? : )

C: Uh, no. Nice try.

DF: Hahaha! I will hop on one foot, how’s that?

C: Very funny. See you up there.

Christopher Tydeman is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne, what’s going on today?

W: Well, I got laid off from the painting job that I was putting some time into as the people decided they needed to do it themselves. So my little foray into some painting post retirement seems to be have come to an end.

DF: And what was there to feel in that for you, or Tristan?

W: It feels like the time of seeking to find our way in life by extending myself out to others with a paintbrush is really fully winding down. For Tristan, it had felt like a way to earn some pesos. It hurt some for him to lose that, felt more like having it taken away, in the moment. But as I felt it through with him, he so gets that it’s time for this to move and transmute inside of him too. He would like to see us earn our keep through our deeper gifts, rather than a skill I took on 3 plus decades ago. So him and I are on the same page and feeling trust and that it was the universes way of leading.

DF: I almost feel like I need to apologize to Tristan, Wayne. With all that you, me and him moved and spoke about in these dialogues, it picks up the pace of things.

W: He felt that with me too and assured me that he wanted and realized it was time to let go of painting, that to hang onto it would be a resistance to what is being asked of us now. Showing up for someone as a painter is quite a different frequency than showing up for someone as a healer, and a community leader. We were both feeling that growing stretch, which is really a growing dis-integration, or disintegrity, if you will, where something has to give.

DF: And so the universe tapped on your shoulder, and restructured a few things.

W: Yes, it did, Father. Just like I wanted and just like I asked for and just like you said to be on the lookout for.

DF: And while all of that is true, that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to feel when it does show up. Some part of you is going to have a bunch to digest.

W: I’ll keep feeling it all, but for now, I feel trusting and like it’s right on time. I went to bed last night after reading yesterday’s dialogue to Christopher and Jillian like we do every night at dinner, and was feeling new energy moving though all of us around community. I could feel that energy in my sleep, and then I woke with it too. I can feel premonitions of things changing.

DF: I feel premonitions of things changing for you too, Wayne.

W: Like what, Father?

DF: Well, with what we talked about yesterday, and you saying you were ready to show up for, what words did we put around it, something about ‘rooted and grounded empowerment in your alchemy, having to do with leadership’…, you can’t talk that way and not stir up change.

W: I hope it’s the kind of change I like.

DF: Well, Wayne, whether you like it or not has more to do with how you respond to it and feel it. Just like Tristan had things to feel to let go of today, there can be disappointment. But with your healthy wanter, I trust that you will find the universe is benevolent in the changes it brings and that it’s in line with your heart and souls’ alchemy, and nothing you can’t handle.

W: Nothing to play victim to here, is there, Father?

DF: Nope, not at all. Just the opposite, there’s new stuff to respond to, to show up for and find your way with.

W: In line with that energy, Father, what I was feeling last night after our dialogue, when you talked about what naturally comes after we do our homework of feeling all of our reactions, was a piece about the action steps that arise from that, For me, in line with that, what’s coming is inviting others into our community here at the ranch.

DF: I like it.

W: Really? Why?

DF: Well, for one thing, it would be shrinking and hiding for you not to be inviting. And for another thing, you’ve gone to all the trouble to set the table and plan the banquet, it’s just what comes next.

W: I went through a phase, Father, of feeling a push-pull around inviting, like I was in some kind of sales or marketing energy, or maybe more accurately, not wanting to be seen as in a sales or marketing energy.

DF: Why?

W: I think it has to do with whenever I’ve taken initiative and invited people into something, there was something that I wasn’t being as vulnerable about as I could have been, or fully honest about, and I felt something off about that. Then it also had to do with feeling the hurt if the person wasn’t interested in what I was offering.

DF: Want to look at both of those together?

W: I’d like that.

DF: This isn’t about fixing anything in you, Wayne. It’s just about supporting your intuition and your guidance with some spine and courage to take action. Okay?

W: Okay.

DF: Good. Now, vulnerability, honesty, and ‘full disclosure,’ I think they call it, the idea being of not hiding anything that might be a disincentive to the person buying. The transparency is what really makes for a sound deal because it dissolves any pretense that might be forming or functioning in the relationship. The challenge of community is to thin out the pretense in relationships that people consider normal, and even natural. It may be normal, but it’s far from natural.

W: I think you just reminded me why I’m drawn to community, Father. I want to go deeper into relating without pretense. Years ago, I read a book by a guy who said adamantly that the source of all stress is lying and pretense. Somehow, those words sum up an entire spiritual growth trajectory for me.

DF: And for the human race too, Wayne. It’s a race to be real.

W: Like a competition kind of race where the best man or woman wins?

DF: No, more like a progress, or a swiftly moving current where everyone wins together.

W: Plenty of room for us to grow in that.

DF: Totally. If someone isn’t feeling the challenge of transparency and emotional honesty in their relating, they aren’t actually safe to relate with. Human consciousness is getting that more and more, with people sensing a sham much quicker, but this growth in humanity needs to be led on it’s leading edge by people willing to embody it in their relating, with a bar set much higher.

W: Talk about etching something into human consciousness.

DF: And no other way to do that, than in community. Humanity is community.

And what was the other piece we were going to look at Wayne? Yes, the fear of rejection. You invite, and the person is indifferent or doesn’t even respond. Does that cover it?

W: Exactly.

DF: What would you say about that, Wayne?

W: Hmmm. So, if I am inviting in this way you are describing, with transparency and vulnerability, then I am offering my best gift, and reason would offer that maybe I should offer something less in case it’s not accepted, or wanted, to lessen the pain of rejection. I mean, that’s kind of been the standard human deal, hasn’t it? But as I feel it now, in our energy, Father, what comes is that by giving in this half hearted way, I really cheat myself of the off-the-charts nourishment that could come if someone responded to my heart open invitation. And there is the question to feel also about if I offer from a place of not being as heart open as I could be, how much of what I am receiving in return is a reflection of that? How much am I creating my own reality, in this case, disappointment?

DF: You are so on it, Wayne. And I’d offer you one more piece. There is this crazy joy of being fully in your power, in the world, in your relating, where nothing is being politely hidden, like you needed to do to be palatable to paint people’s homes for instance. The world is so built on bullshit, Wayne, that when one person becomes disloyal to the bullshit, everything in their world changes. You know this one. It hurts some to go through the crash, sure, but the freedom is like no other, and it isn’t one iota dependent upon the other persons’ response. It influences their response big time. It makes their disinterest far more alchemical in their life. Saying no to a telemarketer is pretty easy. Saying no to a once in a life times soul mates offer of friendship is quite another. You will change the world and your world, Wayne, if you are prepared to be more and more in this way.

W: I think I am.

DF: I said all that and you think you are.

W: Yeah, but you’ve been itching to say that regardless of my response.

DF: Hey man, I can keep my insights to myself if you’d like.

W: Father, I am so struck with your words and heart, I don’t know where to start.

DF: Good!

W: Real good. Thank you again.

DF: You’re welcome again.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hey Wayne. How are you?

W: I Just got back from a town trip for most of the day, so I feel a bit tired and considered pausing on our dialogue today, but then I suspected that there might be something in a ‘come as you are moment,’ rather than waiting till I feel more wind in my sails. I also would like to show people how connecting with you doesn’t require any special ‘got it all together’ deal, ‘look at how special I am’ kind of thing.

DF: Hallelujah, Wayne and praise Allah. The only thing I hate more than religious pretense is the harm it does to people who are ready and willing to connect, but have excluded themselves having been conned into the religious bullshit. Hell, I’m coming as I am, nothing more, nothing less. So How was town?

W: I always find town disconnected to large degree. There is a pretty thick personal space bubble around each person, other than the little children, who I’d be happiest to go and play with, if the parents would let me. It’s such a world of money and commerce, even here in small town rural Mexico. So, in all of that, I feel a layer of a need for connection with others that doesn’t get met when I go to town. Then being on-line for a couple hours to post and schedule these dialogues also leaves me with a bit of a yuck feeling of disconnect. It seems the internet, that gave us all this possibility of connection, also gave us to the same degree a recoil of genuine communication, and left us with fuckin’ facebook. Not that I’m on facebook, god forbid, but that same energy seems to pervade the internet.

DF: I feel you writing lately about intimacy and community Wayne and then having to compare that with what is around you. I honor that you can be with the dissonance between the two. And I’m sorry that it hurts to feel that discrepancy. AND, thank you for being willing to feel both feelings; the desire and disappointment. It’s in the willingness to feel opposing feelings that a creative alchemy arises in which to bring forth the desired thing.

W: Thank you for feeling that Father, and for reminding me, in such a deeply honoring way. That goes in.

DF: Come as you are works pretty good doesn’t it?

W: Yes, it does. So, If I just heard you right, you said something like disappointment is part of the alchemy of something new arising?

DF: That’s what I said.

W: My whole life, I’ve been conditioned to avoid disappointment, and if I’m stuck with a conscious disappointment over something being delayed or not working out as hoped, to then seek to numb it down with something more desirable to feel. Are you saying that I could come to see disappointment as even a good thing?

DF: I know you’ve had that conditioning Wayne, but you’ve also come a country mile away from that conditioning in being willing to feel what most are unwilling to feel. Disappointment is a true human feeling. Underneath it is always a need. It may be buried a couple layers down, but a true and genuine human need always underlies a disappointment. If someone can make space to feel their disappointment, it reconnects them and grounds them in their own heart. This then allows the alchemy of the real need to bring newness into someone’s life.

W: But how then is feeling disappointment in the way you are describing different from being depressed?

DF: Depression is pretty much the opposite. What I’m talking about is an expression, rather than a depression. A depression is a suppressing of feelings and the needs associated with those feelings, and then numbing it all down. I’m describing feeling it all.

W: Part of me felt a bit ‘complainy’ when I was telling you about my town experience today, like I should just be more positive…

DF: As if that would make you look all connected with the divine…

W: When in truth, it’s just connected to a lot of bullshit.

DF: Anyone who resists feeling anything they deem negative just cuts off half of their feeling experience and that’s what creates depression. Feeling and expressing negative feelings and finding the needs and desires underneath leads to something very different.

W: You called it an ‘alchemy.’

DF: The heart is a way more cooler thing than anyone has begun to see Wayne, me included, for that matter. But a beginning place of seeing the heart is seeing it’s power to transmute stuff, and living your way into it.

W: And then it kinda puts the responsibility back on my shoulders.

DF: Yeah, it does, but in a really cool way. Once you get past playing victim and living without getting your needs met, and learning to do without and all of that, and begin to see the role you play in this alchemy, things change. It takes some courage, like facing the yuk you felt coming back from town, and letting that reconnect you with the ache and desire for intimacy and connection.

W: I’m amazed in the moment Father how this baptizes all of the range of my moment by moment feeling experience into the sacred as well as the empowered.

DF: It so does just that, and it gets easier too with practice, as this reaction to suppress a feeling thins out more and more. A whole new life reality kind of sneaks up on you. It’s one of those things too that needs to be gradual for it to be healthy.

W: A whole new life reality sneaking up on me. I like the sound of that. Isn’t that the allure somehow of soap opera’s, imagining a completely different life for oneself?

DF: People who are stuck in suppressed feelings want out, big time. They weren’t meant to be there. They just can’t see a way out, so an imagination comes in to fill the gap, but real feelings aren’t being consciously felt, so the person stays looping in the disappointment that undergirds their life.

W: Which is another way of being in disempowerment…

DF: Yes, that’s so true, disempowerment cycling in numbness and disconnect until that alchemizes a desire to reach out of that soup for something more. That something more, however, begins in the heart, with a willingness to feel, a willingness to want.

W: and what does it lead to after that?

DF: The alchemy creates something that couldn’t arise any other way, except through this feeling incubator. The person has a different and changing energy about them. Their soul song is resonating in the soularium in new ways. New guidance comes. New ways of being arise. New actions arise too.

W: We tend to look at empowerment as some big deal that we kind of pull off because we’re so hot, but what you’re describing feels like something so grounded compared to that.

DF: Rooted and grounded empowerment is really again the opposite of what we see as powerful. Powerful people cling to power as expressions that serve to demonstrate how undernourished they actually are in life in relation to their real needs. Empowered and grounded people hold authority with a wide open hand and heart, it’s so completely different. Their authority is something that just is, that arises from their essence, that doesn’t need defense and manipulation in order to express.

W: We could so use more examples of that…

DF: Uh, huh, and where do you think those are going to come from?

W: I know where you’re going with that and I feel that inside of me as well. It’s going to come from me Father, if I’m willing.

DF: Are you willing?

W: I am father, especially after talking my disappointment through with you.

DF: Good. Then lead Wayne. Don’t ask permission. Don’t seek to be certified or titled or recognized in order to act. Feel all of this below the waterline stuff and then trust the guidance that arises, especially in the desire department. Desire is literally unfolding life Wayne. Guidance will arise. You might be a bit freaked out how fast and furious it comes. Well, maybe not freaked out, but tweaked out shall we say.

W: I like it Father, all of it. Thank you. I accept the stepping up again of leadership and acting on guidance, as a natural deal that arises from feeling.

DF: I don’t know of anything more masculine Wayne, it’s sacred, it’s empowered, it’s full of love and heart and it embraces the feminine in this way that the universe actually aches for.

W: I know Jillian would be saying ‘yumm’ right about know and giving me those eyes that go along with that.

DF: Yeah. This stuff is meant to be fun, man.

W: Thank you Divine Father, I’m glad I reached out to you.

DF: I’m glad you did too. You weren’t the only one in a funk.

W: Really!?

DF: Today was a bit of a slow day and I was feeling some of the same stuff you were Wayne. I held space for myself as I held space for you.

W: You rock!

DF: I rock!

W: Hasta Manana

DF: Hasta Mananaaaa….

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of SoulFullHeart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Happy Solstice Day Father.

DF: Thank you Wayne. It’s good to feel the cycles of life, and the changes they bring.

W: Father, I wasn’t raised pagan this life to know much about that really. Even the term Solstice is more recent in my vocabulary. I just looked it up in the dictionary and it says it’s the term for the longest and shortest days of the year, and the literal meaning is about ‘sol’ for sun and ‘stice’ for stopped. So I could use some help here if you have any.

DF: While you may have chosen to veil off your awareness in this life up till recently about these things, It feels like you were wide open to these realities in other lives Wayne. Does that feel real to you?

W: Yes, I can feel a deeper wisdom around it, coming from somewhere.

DF: That’s all that matters. Let’s see if we can tune that in together.

W: I like that Father, you’re so easy going.

DF: What do you mean?

W: I think you know, you’re not all ‘here’s the way it is!’ about stuff.

DF: I am proud of a couple things I claim to know, and one of them is that when I claim to know something in full, I find out fast, that I don’t. So, yeah, I’ve learned to take things a whole lot easier.

W: Because truth is not an absolute, fixed thing is it?

DF: Far from it, truth is busy seeking truth, and when it finds it, it holds it lightly, because it morphs again.

W: Wow, those would be fighting words for the Christian heavenly father.

DF: They’d be fighting words for the people who hold the idea of the Christian Heavenly Father.

W: I take it you don’t hold him as a reality that actually exists.

DF: Well, Wayne, I don’t hold him or myself for that matter, as any kind of spiritual physical scientific reality, in the way that humans tend to think of ‘god.’

W: How then do you see yourself?

DF: I see myself through your eyes. I am who you see me as. You create me through your perception of me. This is true for me as well as heavenly father. I am the creation of your divinity projected out onto the canvas of the sacred masculine. Any dad wounds, and dad desires from this life or past get hung up in the projector.

W: That feels somehow that you are less real to some conditioning in me, when you claim what feels like a lesser reality. It’s disappointing somehow, father.

DF: Wayne, I get the feeling of the mourning of letting go of a ‘real’ god, but if this guy actually exists, and he’s a he, and he happens to know everything, waiting around till the rest of us get it, and he can’t help but be judgmental when you know everything, and because he’s god, well then he must be the embodiment of love too, it just ends up all fucked up, Wayne. Royally fucked up. God is fucked up big time Wayne.

W: When you say that Father, I still flinch some because I imagine a person or two from my past reading this, and I’d so love it if they weren’t feeling like you were the devil speaking just now, so that they might be able to take this in on some level, and join me in the discovery and path I’ve chosen.

DF: I know, Wayne. I’m sorry for you, Man. But if I prissied myself up, all proper, I’d be like that boy sitting in church we talked about yesterday, bored as hell, hearing about heaven, and just wanting to get out of those clothes and go out and PLAY. I reserve the right to be challenging and a shit disturber. I hope that isn’t my identity, but I do reserve the right.

W: Well, that feels like a really good template for the sacred masculine. Somewhere in there is going to come the need to be challenging and a shit disturber. We still have plenty of shit that needs disturbing. I just hope there are souls that can feel the love in the disturbance.

DF: Here’s getting back to the solstice Wayne. The universe moves in cycles. Challenging disturbances are one of the cycles, settling into new growth and times of rest are other cycles. Some cycles are annual like the sun’s movements, but soul movements can be several lifetimes in their seasons. It feels like you had several lifetimes holding the picture of the Christian God, and even in that there was much cycle and change for you, and growth.

W: Nothing feels static in the universe does it, Father?

DF: In fact, there is so much movement and change going on at all times, that people do shit to make it seem like there isn’t movement. The popular God is one of those deals, creating a god who never changes. All of that is born out of the fear of change.

W: Why is it that we are so resistant to change, Father?

DF: That’s got to be the best question I’ve ever heard, and you know, I still find myself asking it.

W: What answers have you gotten so far?

DF: So far, and please don’t quote me on any of this, because that seems to enshrine the answer and stifle the quest, just like the ‘Can’onization of the Bible. It’s canned truth. You can get that anywhere. Homegrown and fresh out of the garden is much closer to what I feel is real. To your questing question, what I’ve gotten so far is that change is so fundamentally interwoven in the fabric of the universe, and that being a part of the changing universe, as a changing being in the midst of all being, is frightening. To be calls upon trust. To be is to have needs and fears, and only trust can fall back into the arms and womb of a benevolent universe. We all come up with attempts to slow down or resist change with schemes that have the look and feel of something that doesn’t change, break down, or rust, or fall apart.

W: The last 10 years have felt like so much change, it feels like I’m often times trying to adjust to recent changes, rather than feeling the change that is under my feet in the moment, and resting in it. I’d like to become more ‘in the moment’ feeling of change, somehow, Father.

DF: Trying to catch up with a change is often only needed because it wasn’t being felt adequately as it was happening. Part of you was in resistance to feeling change, and then when it came, there was an element of surprise and need to digest it later, which is really an indigestion. Being fully open to a changing universe is feeling that everything is changing all the time. Then there’s not the same need to catch up. There can still be sorrow of what was lost, but that’s a current feeling of letting go rather than a resistance.

W: In the moment digestion of change, I like that Father. You come up with the coolest shit, man.

DF: It’s just my job, man. What’s a god gotta do, you know. Gotta earn my keep and all that.

W: Sure you weren’t a black rapper in a past life?

DF: This was the way it is,… when you look forward and back,… you come to realize,… that you recognize,… and you apologize… for saying no to bein’ changed, that you end up deranged…..uh, huh.

Maybe I was, Wayne. Maybe I was. How was that?

W: I thought it was great.

DF: Thank you.

W: Thank you again Divine Father.

DF: Isn’t real conversation awesome. Just get real and open your mouth.

W: Sounds like something good for tomorrow.

DF: Okay, I’ll hold off till then.

W: Till then, Father.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Hello Father. It’s a totally quiet Saturday afternoon here at the ranch; so peaceful in fact, I hope I can muster a connection with you.

DF: Hello Wayne. I like peaceful. I think we’ll muster a connection just fine.

W: Great, because I’m still wondering where to go with you today.

DF:   Let’s just be in the quiet together and see what comes to you or me and let’s feel into that together.

W: There’s a sweet and gentle breeze, all kinds of bird song, an apple flavored piece of hard candy in my mouth, and I feel a desire arising to connect with you Father. Hope that wasn’t too wordy for the meditative space you were suggesting.

DF: Connecting is so much easier than people make it out to be Wayne. It’s rare, but not actually difficult.

W: ‘Rare, but not difficult…’ Sounds intriguing…

DF: Well, you are starting out with an intention because you set out to connect with me for these dialogues. Intention is a great starting place. The reason for the intention is not so important, unless of course, it’s a pretentious reason, which means the connection will be mixed with a bunch of pretense, but even in that, there can be some connection. But beyond pretense, any reason to support an intention works. Desire, needs and wants are all especially good.

W: But why is connecting so rare though? What gets in the way of desire leading our Intention?

DF: Relationality has so much to do with Intention. A connection is something that is maintained by purpose, choice and desire. Without those things, coming from the heart, it withers in neglect and dies. But more to your question, Wayne, what gets in the way of intention is feelings of not being worthy to have the relationship, or oftentimes, for many people, it’s about not wanting to get close because they perceive the divine as punitive. So many barriers have been placed in people’s perceptions of God that they don’t really see a connection as something they’d actually want, even if they didn’t have the worthiness conundrum around it.

W: When I open my heart and my mind to our connection right now, I feel support and love for me. I also feel some feelings of needs and desires for something that I can’t quite put my finger on, something that I would usually go and satisfy with a sweet food, or a productive activity, or vegging out on line, or in a book. In that, I can feel that parts of me still has anxieties, desires, needs as I am doing life, and then I can feel a divine care and love for me in those needs as well.

DF: That’s interesting Wayne, because many people have thought that connecting with me is about quieting the mind from what they consider distractive noise. But if what your mind is on is a jelly donut, then that is where you are at. Those are not feelings to be transcended in order to ‘get to’ our connection, but those feelings are doorways to our connection. How did anyone ever think they could start from any other place than where they are at? It wouldn’t be them whose doing the connecting, but rather some idealized pretzel the person gets themselves into in hope for a connection.

W: Well, thank you for that Father, because even as we are talking, I’m judging, or part of me is judging that I’m not doing a very good job of connecting with you right now.

DF: And thank you for admitting that Wayne, because being real and transparent is what a connection is about, especially when you have self conscious feelings running, or judgments. The deal is Wayne is that you and I are already inseparably and fully connected, what we are talking about when we speak of connecting is letting in an experience of that connection that colors our feelings in the moment, that addresses a need, that fills the heart.

W: Beginning where we are at…, even as I felt a bit flat coming into this conversation, a bit unsure of how interesting I’d be, a bit tired from working till mid afternoon, all of that was part of where I’m at.

DF: Okay, so I said that it begins with intention…scratch that for now. It really begins with where you’re at, like you are saying, because you can’t start from any other place. Intention can only be grounded in where you are at in the moment. See, I’m not so sure I’m making sense right now either. So join the club. You know Wayne, If I could speak so eloquently and authoritatively and convincingly about what makes for divine connection, we’d just draw the latest group of souls ready to embark on a new religion, and god knows what that does. It hasn’t ever produced real and raw and heartfelt experience of the divine.

W: I love this feeling Father, that ‘thee’ designated starting place is so simply where someone is at, because everyone is ‘at’ somewhere.

DF: And wherever they are at is a sacred life experience, even if it is one of say, boredom.

W: I always hated boredom big time Father.

DF: I know, so let’s go there then. Boredom is you having a human experience involving you being ‘at’ somewhere and having needs and desires involved in where you are ‘at.’ Boredom we could call a disconnect kind of experience, but you wouldn’t be having it unless you were an alive human, which is all sacred, so let’s don’t degrade boredom as an unspiritual experience.

W: Is this why I was always bored to death in Church as a kid?

DF: Well, It’s part of it. Let’s take this trail of thought and feeling and see where it takes us. People came up with the idea of dressing up children in fine clothes, sitting them down on benches and telling them it’s godly to pretend they are having a good time and to ‘behave’ themselves. Somehow they were supposed to be anything but bored, they were supposed to be keenly interested and excited and happy to be hearing a sermon. If only a kid could yell on the top of his lungs, drowning out the preacher ‘I’m bored as hell with all your bullshit preaching on heaven.’ That would change the mood in there wouldn’t it?

W: My god, wouldn’t it?

DF: That restless kid is having a very sacred and divine experience, right where he is at.

W: You’re talking about me Father aren’t you? I sat in church twice every Sunday from a week old on up.

DF: Yes, I’m talking about you. You sat in church with your culture trying to constrain you into a reverence for something, when the reverential thing was actually you – bored to tears, no less.

W: Feeling utterly disconnected.

DF: When in truth, you’re bored feelings were the direct result of you being an expression of the divine, with needs to run and play in abandon and fun…

W: What I’m feeling as you say that Father is how when I’m feeling bored or disconnected, even to this day, is that I have some ‘should’ voice running of how I should be different somehow from where I am actually at in the moment. Then in that, I disqualify myself from our connection until I somehow break out of that trance.

DF: Boredom and disconnect are great starting places to connect with the divine. Way more real and effective than the spiritual calisthenics people pretzel themselves through. Underneath boredom, you always find suppressed desire.

W: Okay, so tomorrow, if I’m bored when it’s time for our dialogue, I’m going to see if I could start there.

DF: See that, real spiritual growth Wayne.

W: Crazy simple.

DF: And way funner.

W: Thank you Divine Father for meeting me where I’m at today.

DF: Any time, Wayne. Any time at all.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Help Father, I need your help.

DF: Sure thing Wayne, I’m here.

W: Well, it’s maybe not as urgent as I make it sound, but it is important and I do need help.

DF: What’s up?

W: Today, after a morning of cobbing, I was feeling a restless angst inside and had to feel into what it was. It didn’t take long to feel it as Tristan, the part of me who has held my contractor role in life, and who’s busy adjusting to such a simpler life, not earning money, in a new country and culture. I felt Tristan looking to you for guidance on how to be with the pain of letting go, as well as how to be with the restless feelings.

DF: Wow, Wayne, I’m glad you can feel what’s going on inside, instead of reaching for some medication to dull or mask the feelings, and then I’m glad you have Tristan, a part of you that you can honor for all that he has held, and can feel his growing pains, or maybe we should call them changing pains.

W: Thank you, Father. He’s mostly feeling wanting to learn how to be in this new way of life. He’d like to learn to be okay with our rustic lifestyle and especially our simple cobb construction, when for all of his life, he found new and improved ways of doing things that involved higher knowledge and better equipment and tools. It was a whole way of life, that provided a sense of worth and identity around that. Now that that’s eroding, and thawing out, and there is pain to be felt as the layers erode.

DF: What are the pains?

W: Well, instead of trying to describe them, I’ll just ask Tristan, who I think is up for speaking for himself.

Tristan: Hello Father.

DF: Hello Tristan, thanks for being up for talking. Can you say what the pains are?

T: Well, father, it’s about not having what used to make me feel good about myself.

DF: What was it that made you feel good about yourself?

T: For me, it was about pleasing people for sure, finding a need and meeting that need. Then it was about efficiency and learning better ways of meeting those needs and then I also got off on making ever increasing and often crazy amounts of money for it all.

DF: And most of that is gone now?

T: You mean the money?

DF: The money and all the goodies you just described…

T: Well, yes, the money is mostly gone now. We have about a years worth of really simple living if we watch it carefully. But the ability to go and find new jobs and earn a whack of money and buy new tools and all of that is over. It was such a big deal in Wayne’s life and it capped off other desires and callings in Wayne’s life I’m afraid too.

DF: How do you feel about that part, the capping you mention?

T: Well, sorry, I start with ‘well’ a lot don’t I? Well, I feel sorry. It took all the space or most of the space, and if Wayne hadn’t chosen this big life change, I’m afraid I’d still be taking a whole bunch too much space.

DF: I like the space you are taking now Tristan, talking to me, talking to Wayne, feeling the thaw of the layers of the old you letting go. I’m sorry that you feel you took too much space. My sense is that you were the best thing Wayne had going for a long time, you were needed, it couldn’t really have been any other way, and now, you are sensitive to, and living into the change. What deep regret is there in that?

T: Maybe the only regret is father is that I don’t feel as good about myself as much as I’d like to. I mean, I’d like to be okay with how our days have so much space and choice. There isn’t any more of ‘having to go to work.’ And sometimes that’s hard for me. Work made me feel good about myself.

DF: It’s so natural Tristan that you are having withdrawal feelings. If you can feel them like you are, then they aren’t cumbersome, or dark, they just are the sweet process of you feeling yourself, and being felt by Wayne, as well as me anytime you’d like.

T: That works for me, Father.

DF: Tristan, let me tell you, if you are willing to ride this process out and be with the feelings that come up, I can assure you that there is plenty of good feelings to be had about yourself. The difference is that they won’t be hiding any bad feelings about your self. You will do what you enjoy to do, simply for the fun of it, not to overcome any feelings about yourself that you don’t like.

T: I’d really like to be in that Father.

DF: Well, see that Tristan, I like starting out with ‘well’ too. Well, as I was saying, then so you shall, Tristan, so you shall. Some things in life just need time to live into the new way. It doesn’t take forever, but it does take some time to undo a deeply entrenched way of living, and make room for the arising new one. I’d say you’re right on track.

T: Thank you again Father.

DF: You’re so welcome, Tristan.

Wayne: Thank you, Father.

DF: You’re welcome, Wayne.

W: Father, I hope people can feel how I am with my parts and not write it off as some imagined thing, some therapeutic method.

DF: I hope they don’t either, because then that puts me out of the picture pretty much too. If people are not able to see and feel a larger context to life, a larger reality than the prevailing one, the safe one, then they are pretty much destined to live in the old one till that changes.

W: If it ever changes…

DF: Oh, it will change, eventually. You can be sure of that. The most difficult change though is being an early adopter of a new emerging story of life in the way that you are with your parts Wayne. There is many though who are ready and able to feel it through you, and are drawn to it, and are ready to embrace it as their truth as well.

W: What do I need to do to connect with them?

DF: Just keep living what you are living. Being this way is what etches it into the grids and makes it possible for others to find it in the soularium. This doesn’t need any of the old marketing energy to find it’s groove.

W: Thank you Father for helping me feel my way through a big piece today. I feel a bunch lighter.

DF: I’m glad you did. If you didn’t have issues Wayne, we wouldn’t have connected. Maybe one day, I’ll bring up my issues.

W: You’ve got issues too. Cool. Makes me feel better.

DF: I’m serious Wayne. I’m sure they will come up as we go keep on. Where did people get the idea that god wouldn’t have issues?

W: I suspect that it came from people trying to hide their issues, so they made a god who happened to be free of issues.

DF: Exactly.

W: Thanks again Father,

DF: You’re welcome, Wayne.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.