Day 10-

I have introduced Simon as the part of me that is associated with my self-image, the face of my false-self that was so used to being presented to others to garner acceptance and likability.  Another face of my false-self is Chris.  This is the part of my image that attached to family specifically.  I felt moved to journal with him after our radio show about codependence in our relationships.

Christopher:  Hello, Chris.  I felt the desire to speak with you today after this show.  Is that okay?

Chris:  Sure.  I am a little nervous about this being public but I feel how it can be helpful to others.

C:  I understand.  Whatever you don’t want to get into publicly we won’t.  Oh, I will be capital C and you can be lower case c.  Not that you are less than.  Anything but.

c:  I understand.  I don’t mind.

C:  Okay.  Let me know if it bothers you.  How are you feeling about the show?

c:  Not bad.  I had some nervousness about family listening.  I felt held by you.

C:  That is good to hear.  What was the nervousness about?

c:  I guess feeling that I was being criticized by hurt parts of my family.

C:  That was a recurring theme in your process.  It still feels a little tender.

c:  Yeah.  There were too many experiences of hearing criticisms of other family members behind each other’s backs.  It was pervasive.  At least it was to me.  I joined in as well, so I am just as guilty.

C:  How did you feel when you did it?

c:  It didn’t feel good.  Like it really wasn’t me.  I felt uncomfortable even as I was animated about it at times.

C:  It was part of the culture you were raised in Chris.  I know you feel remorse about participating.  I am getting a feeling of some guilt as well.  Would you be okay talking about that?

c:  I guess the guilt comes from not having the courage to speak up against it or express my discomfort in it.  The environment felt so pent up with anxiety and anger that I didn’t want to unleash that, even though it would have been the most loving thing to do for me and them.

C:  You couldn’t have possibly done anything more that what you did.  You did what you had to do to survive and take care of parts of me that needed the feeling of safety.  You are a hero in my book for doing that, Chris.  I am so grateful you didn’t has it could have been more harmful to you than good.  Your remorse is evidence of your heart capacity and your love for your family.

c:  I am certain they don’t feel that way.

C:  You can’t get them to feel or see something they are not willing or ready to feel or see.  I can still feel how your self-worth came through the perception of your family.

c:  Yeah, very much so.  My hook up to them was through their value picture even if it totally wasn’t mine.  Like a lot of people, I looked for love through being accepted, so one of the main ways was to take on values.  I got so used to that even when it didn’t match what I was feeling.  I went deeper into politics in order to feel like I was taking up the family banner of conservatism.  That steeped me more into the culture of criticism, as politics is a fertile soil for that.  Us against them.

C:  I can feel how taking up this banner gave you some recognition as a good son, defender of the collective family value.

c:  Well, that and being “responsible”.  That feels to be the bigger banner.  The political conservatism is an expression of that.

C:  That feels to be the heart of what I wanted to get to today.  Being responsible.  Yeshua and Wayne felt into the loyalty aspect of the family value system this morning, but I feel how you really got hooked into the “responsibility clause”.

c:  Yes.  I most certainly did.  Good ‘ol responsible, Chris.  I heard the criticism towards those who were not being responsible, and I didn’t want that to be me.  I wanted the accolades of being the good son, despite a subconscious desire to not be.  I wasn’t born with the fire to go against the system.

C:  Oh, you most certainly were, Chris.  You just needed the time it took to feel done with it and you did.  If you didn’t have some desire, it would have never had happened.

c:  That feels true.  Thanks.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes I hear this family voice inside me that says, “We wanted you to do whatever made you happy, even if we disagreed, just as long as we stayed connected.”  The thing about that is, that I don’t want to debate or analyze or argue.  It was always a mental game going on with defensive and controlling parts vying for righteousness.

C:  Feels like you are unrolling something keep going…

c:  Who is right vs. who is wrong.  Who is not being responsible and what they “should” do.  Politics became a great way of exercising that righteous muscle so no one had to be vulnerable and apply it to the person they are speaking to or thinking about.  You are not pissed off at Obama, you are pissed off that you don’t have a sense of power in your own life, or that you can’t be honest with your spouse about what really fucking bothers you.  What else is coming to me is that I have become another common enemy to their false selves.  A place to project their crap.  I reject that, Christopher.

C:  Whoa.  Who are you?

c:  Lol!  I don’t know.  I do take responsibility for my half of that equation.  I participated in that, but I don’t want to disqualify myself anymore because of it.  I know I did all I could at that time to open my heart without it getting kicked.  I no longer hold shame over that, at least I would like not too.

C:  I feel something bigger here that could be expanded.  You are feeling so courageous to me, Chris.  I am inspired by you.  There is a spine that is growing in you as you talk about it.

c:  Thank you.  I feel the more space that I have had the more I can really get into this.  I feel it is important to continue as the responsibility piece needs to move to allow more trust and desire in.

C:  Uh…yeah, couldn’t agree more.  Did I dial the right number?

c:  Lol!  Something just shifted in me.

C:  Ya think?  I want more, dude.

c:  Me too.

C:  My eyes are getting googly from staring at this screen too long.  Let’s pick this up later.

c:  Okay.  Sounds good.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child