Day 12

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.  I wanted to talk with you and digest what was felt in group this past weekend.  Are you up for it?

Angela:  I think so.  I am still a bit embarrassed.

C:  About what?

A:  Just being made aware of my flirtiness and cheeriness and how that hides stuff.

C:  How is that embarrassing?

A:  I guess that I had a mask on when I awoke and not the real me.

C:  I don’t see that as a bad thing, Angela.  Your cheeriness is your essence.  I can feel that.  You feel so alive and beautiful.  It certainly can be used to hide pain.  Tell me about the flirtiness.  I was caught off guard by that and found it endearing, and because of that I didn’t pick up on how it really isn’t you.

A:  I guess I use flirtiness to get people to like me.  Now it feels a bit manipulative and that is embarrassing too.

C:  I don’t want you to judge that, Angela.  That was something you learned to get what you needed.  You wanted attention which equalled love to you.

A:  Thank you, Christopher.  I don’t feel like I intended to hurt anyone.  I just wanted to be liked.  It feels like that is what I learned from other females to get attention.

C:  What females?

A:  I guess females in your school and work.  I don’t feel like I looked to your sister or mother for guidance.  Your mother seemed to acquiesce to men and that bothered me.  I didn’t want to be that.  Your sister was the life of any party, but it was in a very masculine way.  I didn’t want that either.  So I guess I found something in other women/ girls that felt worked for me.

C:    You were using templates, Angela.  You didn’t have anyone to feel you in this.  You did nothing bad or wrong.  You are right and beautiful.

A:  Oh, thank you, Christopher.  I really needed to hear that.  I just wanted love.

C:  I know you did and still do.  I will give you all the love you desire, Angela.

A:  I can feel that, Christopher.  It will take time for me to let that in, but I know you do.  Thank you.

C:  You mean a great deal to me, Angela, and I want to feel through any pain you have.

A:  I feel there is so much around your family now that you and Chris brought them up the last two days.

C:  Okay…what were you feeling?

A:  I feel angry at the men for suppressing their feminine sides and stuffing them down in the name of manhood.  They all have good hearts but won’t allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be honest with what a part of them feels about women.  A part of them despises them, hates them, sees them as crazy or less than.  I know this cuz I could feel it and heard come right out of their mouths!  It made me so uncomfortable, yet I didn’t have the power to say anything.  A part of you didn’t want to rock the boat.  Chris was too afraid to stand up to the men.  That hurt me.

Chris:  Hello, Angela.  I wanted to say to you that I am so sorry for not having the courage at the time to advocate for your feelings.  You are right.  I was afraid.  I don’t want that to happen again.  I hope you can forgive me.

A:  Oh, Chris.  That feels genuine.  Thank you.  I really needed to hear that.  I know you were afraid.  I was too.  I can feel how you would stand up for me know.  I really do.

Chris:  I am glad you feel that way, Angela.  Thank you.

C:  That was admirable and noble of you, Chris.  I want to second what Chris said as I was not there as well to help him and you through that.  We both want to feel your heart when it comes to women.  Through you we feel our real manhood and our desire to be king to a queen.

A:  Awwww…I think I am going to cry.  I feel so much love from both of you.

C:  There is tons, Angela.

A:  If only the women in your family could have advocated for what they wanted.  I know your sister often did, but it was in way that was masculine in nature, to combat the surrounding male energy.  There is a sadness and frustration in the loss of her femininity.  I can feel it in her but it just doesn’t get any air to come out.  Her essence has been beat down and resigned to a life of “it is what it is” and that breaks my heart to feel.  Your mom needed to be care-taken because she was so busy care-taking.  No room for her feminine either!  The women in your life were either fragile or over-masculinized.  Not a template for a healthy feminine!

C:  No.  They were not.

A:  I feel why they are they way they are, and I feel compassion around that.  But it doesn’t take away from my frustration around the victimhood and my desire for them to claim their feminine nature and advocate for that.

C:  I feel that we are beginning to unfurl something for you.

A:  This feels like what you did for Chris the last two days.

C:  It does, doesn’t it?

A:  Thank you so much.  I feel we are both running out of gas in the moment.  I would like to digest this a bit more and go into more later.  I so appreciate this.  I know there is more feeling around it.

C:  I agree and you are so welcome.  This important for both of us, Angela.  Thank you for your courage and passion.

A:  Awwwww…yep, going to cry again.

C:  You can use my shoulder.

A:  I love you.

C:  I love you, too, Angela.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.