Day 14

I can feel how so many women live under the fear of this tyranny.  Either fear of the man himself, fear of being alone, or both. They are taking their power and putting into something outside themselves.  And those that do claim their power back, turn it into hate for all men in general or become masculinized themselves.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.

Angela:  Good morning, Christopher.  You seem a bit distracted.

C:  Hmmm…yeah, a bit I guess.  I was feeling into your name and it reminds me of someone in my family.  When I say it or type it she pops into my head.  I feel that has happened because we have been talking about family.  I remember her being a sweet and caring woman who loves her children very much.  So this is nothing negative toward her, I just felt like asking you about a name change.

A:  Hmmm…how about Angelica?

C:  Wow, you’re good.  That is a beautiful name.  You are angelic to me, so that fits perfectly.

A:  Oh, Christopher!  I am going to cry already.  Thank you.

C:  : )  Angelica.  I love it!

A:  I remember this woman you speak of.  Yes, a caring heart with lots of love under the tyranny of male dominion.  I so want women to reject this!  I can feel how so many women live under the fear of this tyranny.  Either fear of the man himself, fear of being alone, or both.  They are taking their power and putting into something outside themselves.  And those that do claim their power back, turn it into hate for all men in general or become masculinized themselves.  There are so little healthy masculine/ feminine relationships for young boys and girls to relate to!

C:  You feel very passionate about this, Angelica.

A:  Yeah, I guess I do.  That felt good.

C:  I can feel how you were with me when I taught.

A:  Yes, I was.  I loved those cute kids.  I could feel how much they loved you, especially the girls.  You were such a gift to them, Christopher.  To be able to have a kind man in their life to help them experience there are good ones out there.

C:  Now, I am going to cry.  Thank you, Angelica.

A:   :  )   I could feel how the real education was needed in the hearts of their parents.

C:  So true.  That reminds me of Jillian’s writing with Mother on that same topic.  I feel such a strong leading edge in you, Angelica, but I was wanting to see about getting a bit vulnerable and feel some of your trailing edge, as we say in Soulfullheart.

A:  How so?

C:  I don’t know.  I was feeling something about the fear of men and the need to suppress femininity for survival.  Does anything come up around that?

A:  I remember in some of our first journaling, something came up around a past life experience of being persecuted for being female.

C:  How does it feel to go into that?

A:  I guess I can feel into it and let you know if it is too much.

C:  Okay.

A:  I see myself about my age now.  I am with other women, older and younger.  The young ones are terrified, so confused as to what is going on.  The elders are just as frightened.  But the rest of us hold the fear back to give them something to hold onto.  Something solid.  We are being surrounded by men on horses.  They are shouting at us that we are evil, disciples of The Great Satan.  We are taken captive and removed from our village.  It feels like horrible things happen after that and I don’t wish to go further.

C:  I understand.  Thank you for telling me this.

A:  I can feel that your soul may have chosen lifetimes of male incarnations after that to avoid the pain of a female life.  I am not sure, just an intuition.  I was very good at that it feels like.

C:  I don’t feel a hatred of men in you though.  The kind of hatred one would reasonably get from such experiences.

A:  I don’t like to hate, Christopher.  That is not a part of who I am.  I do have frustrations around patriarchal men.  They piss me off, but I don’t hate them.  That vibe reeks of “women are less than”.  Now that I say that, I do feel myself in a life, or lifetimes, where I constantly felt less than men.  In fear of their judgement and perception of me.  This is all so interesting to me now, Christopher.  To be a part of a loving man who helps me feel safe enough to heal these wounds.  How much we truly need each other.

C:  I was thinking the same thing as you were talking.  I can feel in the past my own fears of men and need to save my mother and protect my sister as YOU!  This is blowing my mind in the moment, but I want to be in my heart for you.

A:  Oh, Christopher.  I feel your heart.  It is blowing my mind too!

C:  I always felt different from other males in my life.  There was something different in me that I didn’t feel in them.  I felt like I was trying to figure out how to be male by copying them, their attitudes and desires.   In some ways it feels like you were trying to do the same to be liked by men.  This is all so weird in the moment.  Again, getting away from the heart.

A:  My heart tells me that there is some truth in all of that.  We are a lot more connected than we previously assumed.  Maybe I wasn’t asleep.  Maybe I was fused with you somehow in your subconscious.

C:  Whatever the case, you and I have a close connection and I want to heal this with you.  I want you to feel safe and loved as you have always wanted.  I want to feel my spine and your heart wrapped together in a double-helix.

A:  Swooning!  Yes, please!  Lol!

C:  Thank you for this today.  I am changed because of it.

A:  As am I, my prince.

C:  There it is.

A:  There YOU are.  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.