Day 17

Your heart is so full of life. It doesn’t need to be sequestered into a mold of someone else’s design.  Let your heart open into the love that is all around you.  You are done working, my son.  You are officially retired from that old life, those old words.  You are a part of something bigger than you.  Lean into it.  That is real love.

Christopher:  Good morning, Mother.  I need to speak with you.

Mother:  What is in your heart, my son?

C:  I feel like I am a bit disconnected in the moment.

M:  Disconnected from what Christopher?

C:  You, me, the world.  I needed some time with you to get me back in my heart.  I have been in my head a lot lately with all the shifts.  A part of me wanting to help ease this transition by getting as much info as possible so there are no surprises or heartbreaking mistakes that could have been avoided.  Then I feel him up when it comes to SoulFullHeart and he stresses on who I should be journaling with so I can get the blog out.  This all just feels so centered in my head and I am not that anymore, Mother.

M:  I know you have been with Simon, Christopher.  I have felt you with him.  Would you like me to feel him?

C:  Yes, please, Mother.  I would like that.

M:  Good morning, my sweet Simon.  What is in your heart, my son?

Simon:  Anxiety.  Not as much as I used to have.  I have let go of quite a bit.  But when something comes up where there is a “commitment” or “expectation” I get hypervigilant to make sure it is taken care of.

M:  I feel this has to do with the blog.  You know these are words you project onto it, right Simon?

S:  Yes, Mother.  I do.

M:  There is no shame in that, Simon.  You have a desire to help Christopher, but it does take away the sacredness of the blog.  It is not something to be “done”.  It is to be felt.  I will recommend to Christopher to check in with you every morning to feel you before writing the blog.

S:  Okay.  I don’t want to be the reason he is disconnected from his heart.

M:  You don’t have to take that on Simon.  You just need to be felt by Christopher.  You have no other obligation or duties.  This is not your responsibility any more.  How does that feel when I say that?

S:  It is weird.  I am so used to taking responsibility.  Of being in control to make sure everything turns out okay.

M:  Do you like how that feels?

S:  Not really.  It feels like a burden.  Geez, I am starting to sound like Nathaniel.

M:  What is it that prevents you from letting go?

S:  I feel like I need the kudos of doing a good job.  I guess I ultimately fear I won’t be loved.

M:  Do you really believe you won’t be loved by Christopher and others?

S:  Ugh!  I don’t know Mother!  I am so confused.  I want to let go but I can’t.  I know Christopher loves me.  He feels me everyday.  Why can’t I just let that be enough?  I am so tired of this Mother.  I need help.

M:  You just need love, Simon.  What are your needs?

S:  I want to stop staring at this computer screen every morning!  It just makes me feel like I am in work mode.  Like I turn into a computer when I use a computer.  I don’t want to feel like we HAVE to write a blog every day.  I know I put that on myself, old habits die hard.

M:  If that is what you need Simon, then so be it.  You are more important than a blog, my love.  As is Christopher, Nathaniel, Angela, and Peter.  If you feel it would help you to stop or postpone or take a day off of it, then let Christopher know.

S:  Really?  Won’t that make me undisciplined or lazy?

M:  Who would make you feel that?  Whose words are those?

S:  Um…I don’t know.  Mine, I guess.

M:  It is what you grew up with, Simon.  I want you to set those on fire!  Right now.

S:  You are scaring me a little, Mother.

M:  This is me loving you, Simon.  My love is gentle, but it is also passionate.  I love you so much that my heart bleeds when I hear those words that have been put into your heart.  You are a beautifully wonderful being.  You are far from undisciplined and lazy.  Were you undisciplined and lazy when you did all those hard jobs to support your family?

S:  No, Mother.

M:  Were you undisciplined and lazy when you went back to school to get a teaching credential?

S:  No, Mother.

M:  Were you undisciplined and lazy when you gave up your life so Christopher could grow into his?

S: No, Mother.

M:  There is my sweet Simon.  Your tears are so beautiful.  I love you so much.  As does Christopher and Jillian and Wayne and Kathleen.  You don’t need to prove a thing to anyone anymore, Simon.  You are free to just be.  Would you let me hold you in my arms, my love?

S: Yes, Mother.

…….

…….

M:  Your heart is so full of life, Simon.  It doesn’t need to be sequestered into a mold of someone else’s design.  Let your heart open into the love that is all around you.  You are done working, my son.  You are officially retired from that old life, those old words.  You are a part of something bigger than you.  You have always wanted that, Simon.  I remember those words coming from you.  Lean into that, Simon.  Lean into me, into Christopher, into your SoulFullHeart family.  That is real love.

S:  Thank you so much Mother.  I haven’t cried like that in a while.  I needed that.  I am sorry I couldn’t let your love in, Christopher.

Christopher:  Oh, Simon.  I know you were letting it in.  Otherwise, I don’t think you would have let in Mother’s.  I feel your heart with mine right now and it feels real good.

S:  Yes, it does.  I love you, Christopher.

C:  I love you too, Simon.  You are my best man and my co-pilot.

S:  I get a tux, too?

C:  Oh, yeah.  The ladies are going to have to take a number.

S:  I like the sound of that, actually.  ; )

C:  Good!  Me too!

     Thank you so much, Mother.  I learned a great deal from you about how to truly love someone.  I am grateful.

M:   You are so very welcome, my dear Christopher.  You are doing a very noble and courageous thing with your parts.  This is not easy to do and you are making it look easy.

C:  Wow.  Thank you.  It doesn’t feel like it most of the time.  I couldn’t do it without you or SoulFullHeart.

M:  You weren’t meant to.  Now go enjoy the sun, my two beautiful sons.  Specially created just for you.  ; )

C:  You’re the best.  : )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.