Day 18

Christopher’s Note: This journaling with my self-image part, Simon, comes after an experience of withholding authentic feelings for an ex-mate from Jillian and Wayne.  This part of me was projecting fear of judgement onto them and trying to “figure out” whether these feelings were authentic or not.  I fused with this fear and projection and was eventually lovingly confronted about the withhold from two people that have become more my friends than facilitators.  It is also about questions around my arising attraction and heart connection with Kathleen, with whom he had a previous relationship with.

That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.  Back to pen and paper.  I like this.

C:  Me, too, Simon.  Back to our roots.  How are you feeling this morning after yesterday?

S:  I feel lighter, but still have a tinge of guilt and anxiety.

C:  What is the guilt?

S:  Not trusting the feelings you had were “authentic” and projecting my fears onto Jillian and Wayne.

C:  What fears are those?

S:  Of what you were feeling is “right” or “wrong” and being called out on that.  What gets me is that they have never done that, yet I still project it.  That frustrates me.

C:  First, it does make sense in the way that they are facilitators to you.  That can trigger parental projection.  Second, I am the one that needed to process that with you.  I “left the room” on this one I am sorry.

S:  Thank you, Christopher.  It is hard for me still to let go of this need to feel responsible.

C:  The more I am responsive to my needs and yours, the less you will feel that way.  You spent so many years feeling responsible and managing perceptions that it won’t heal overnight.  I need to be there for you, show up for you, to help that along.  It will be a lifelong process.

S:  I guess I am impatient and just want to be a perfect person, without the vulnerable crucibles.

C:  That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.

S:  Whoa.  That just spun my head around again.  So opposite to my conditioning.  Perfection meant adoration with meant love, but now I see how that “love” was manufactured and not based on any real truth or feeling.

C:  Yes.  That conditioning can only be unwound by living into vulnerability.  I wanted to say, Simon, that when confronted with love by Jillian you were a vulnerable flood.  You didn’t hold back, defend, or back track.  You owned and admitted .  This is a process of feeling our way to being vulnerable in real time.  You felt it in your gut and it was my responsibility to relieve you of that and I didn’t.

S:  That means a lot to me, Christopher.  Thank you.

C:  You are welcome, Simon.  Our crucible in this phase of our life is to be vulnerable, not perfect.  Messy not clean.  Porous not congested.  But I lead that, not you.

S:  Okay.

C:  You mentioned anxiety earlier.  Would you tell me more about that?

S:  I feel the anxiety comes from past experience with Kathleen and all that I went through at that time.  The feeling of you not leading and me being the one “doing” the relationship on top of all the changes that were taking place.

C:  I can feel the trauma you have from that time, Simon.  Tell me more.

S:  It was intense. Too much for me to hold.  A part of her was intense and I could only react by managing.  I didn’t have a spine to lean into.  I felt responsible for her.

C:  Do you feel any of that now?

S:  No.  Not really.  I feel you here with me more.  Your spine.  I don’t feel the intensity and need for a caretaker in her anymore.  She has changed a lot since then.

C:  There is a lot that has moved and grown within us.  There are going to be things that come up from that time, Simon, and it is important I out those so you don’t get put into a suffering loop.  It is also important so Kathleen and I can find out who and what we really are.

S:  I know.  I need to lean into you and trust everyone more.  Why do I get this sense of deja vu?

C:  Well, it was one year ago this month Kathleen and I began our romance.

S:  Well, yeah, that too.  I just meant this conversation about trusting.

C:  It is a constant feeling spiral, Simon.  We will come back here again, but each time we grow and learn.

S:  Still getting used to that.

C:  You and me both.  Before we end, I wanted to you to know that Kathleen and I can only feel our way into whatever it is we are exploring.  There are no absolutes, regardless of our future living scenario.  I feel my heart, she feels hers, we feel ours together.  Then the next day we do it all over again.  The one thing that is absolute is that you will always be the most important part of me, Simon.  I will always be here advocating for what you need, the very best I can.  I love you.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is going in.  I believe you.  I do.  One day.  Today.  I need to remember that.  I love you, too.

C:  Now, it is time for me to go pick up a beautiful woman and escort her to the ferry.

S:  You gonna kiss her?

C:  Oh hell yes.  I get a heart-on.

S:  I cannot believe you just said that.  You know that is a double entendre!

C:  If Yeshua can say it, so can I.

S:  Oh boy.  Why do I feel like you are going to embarrass me?

C:  It’s because I love you and you need it.

S:  >:{

C:  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.