The Arising, Authentic, and Sacred Masculine

In my ongoing journey of accessing and embodying my authentic, sacred masculine, I am finding where I have lived in the space between the Wolf and the Lion. The Wolf represents the more instinctual, primal energy, and the Lion the more kingly, leadership aspect. One with bite, the other with roar.

I have been aware of how both of these aspects have been hidden in shadow. A fear of my power and truth that lay within. The authentic, integrated masculine has struggled to arise for many men. There is a resistance to unleashing these aspects for a variety of reasons. When one hears the call of, “where are the real men nowadays?!”, there is a judgement in that somewhere rather than a heartfelt curiosity, both from those asking and from those of us receiving.

Yes, we are all being called to our power and truth, men and women alike. In that calling, we are met with our own personal initiations into the realm of our bigness and presence. We are sent on a quest through the hinterlands of the Shadow and what we have sequestered there until further notice. There is a veil of protection that lies in between. It is the meeting of this layer where we gain access to our most authentic self, rough edges, defensiveness, weaknesses and all.

We can respond to the trumpet of the call to action, and create an image based on someone else’s version of what it means to be a man in today’s volatile world. That may serve a purpose for some. A part of an initiation and growth edge. There is also going into what is real and authentic for you; your own process of self-awareness and empowerment that is not just about the collective but your own soul’s healing, maturation, and purpose on this planet at this time.

These energies are calling me to reconcile my masculine shadow and power as a sacred union mate, a community leader, a healer, and a teacher. These aspects are not separate from each other but integral to one another. They are also not separate from the feminine principle either. Again, integral. It is being held by this sacred feminine that the sacred masculine can arise with the trust that any shadow can and will be addressed with Love and Compassion.

This is my journey. My evolution into embodying and expressing more of what is true for me and not for anyone else. This is what I feel I am being called to live into and serve. To honor and awaken what has been hidden and forsaken in this masculine heart and soul, for myself and for those that it is meant to resonate with.


Gabriel Amara is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator for both men and women.  Visit for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc.

What Does It Mean to Love ‘Authentically’?

by Kalayna Colibri

The conditioning is deep around what we’ve been taught real love and care is and looks like. It’s challenging to feel it in different ways, to take a deep look at how we’ve related to love and how we’ve been convinced we’re supposed to embody it.

So often what we think of as loving or caring can have more of a negative impact on others than a positive one. False apologies, empty promises, tugging and grabbing at others… these frequencies can be obvious or subtle. And in any case, we aren’t genuinely caring about our impact on others, only what parts of us want and are afraid they won’t get or look like on the outside. I so know this one from my own process too, and learning to see and feel even the subtle ways in which this happens is illuminating and invites you to shift these patterns for good.

I think so often we (or parts of us) are actually terrified to deeply feel what it would be like to be someone else and genuinely feel our impact on them, whether or not we feel we’ve been ‘loving’ toward them.

This is tricky… and hard to feel too. It can be hard to look inward and challenge how we have been holding love and what it means to love another, whether in official ‘service of love’ or in everyday relationships. It’s amazing what it illuminates within though… which is so often an untouched inner reality of how we ourselves, and parts of us, have felt incredibly unworthy of real love, abandoned somehow, and in a void space that has never been filled by genuine self-love and the journey of unfolding that within.

So what does it look and feel like to actually care and love another person?

To me, it feels like giving space for another’s growth without tugging on them to join in on yours. It feels like inviting someone to share with you what they need and want, but not with a commitment from you to make it happen for them. It feels like the overflow of good inner-parenting, of relating to yourself and getting to know your own quirks and shadowy aspects and energies within you as well as your gifts and growth and flowing this energy to another to support their own inner-parenting to grow and blossom too. It feels like being willing to let go even when your heart really doesn’t want to.

It’s a lot to feel into these pieces and truth be told, I’m not sure any of us can truly master this skill of loving another in the purest way… we and parts of us all have understandable investments in relationships of all kinds and hopes that they will last too. We all have desires and dreams and don’t really ever want to feel lonely (though really landing in the loneliness has so many gifts too)… we all have what we want to experience from others and in our lives in general. Yet love asks us to trust… to invest in the process yet divest of the outcome. To feel what we want most and understand that it won’t always come to us in ways we can control.

Above all, love wants us to remember that it is never against us or anybody else, though it can feel that way at times. It only ever wants us to experience more of it within so that we can share it with others. This flow of love is really all the ‘service of love’ is anyways, though it can be dressed up in many ways and be given many labels and is not always easy to truly embody for ourselves, let alone others.

Much love to you as you continue to experience your own journey into more and more REAL love, and the path of learning to embody love in the most authentic way possible. ❤


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart co-founder, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

Authenticity Of The Heart

By Raianna Shai

I’ve been feeling into authenticity lately. What it means, what it looks like, how it feels. To be authentic, to me, means not only to be real but to be transparent. To be honest with where you’re at even if part of you feels like you should be somewhere else.

To serve love in authenticity requires a level of vulnerable transparency. Even the most healed, most in 5D and the most genuine of us aren’t at that place 100% of the time. And why would we want to be? That means you’re done growing, you have nothing left to learn, your soul can no longer expand. We are far too infinite for that to ever happen.

So instead of seeing where I want to be as an end goal, I am choosing for it to be a reflection of where I am now. There is nothing wrong with where we are in this moment. Whether we are in pain, in deep tears, in what feels like an uncontrollable rage, completely neutral or in bliss – it is all sacred.

Today, I feel so so sleepy. Yes, I woke up at 4:30am to teach English but I’ve already taken a nap and barely left my bed since. My authenticity in this moment is not my ideal 5D self. Part of me feels judgement about being so tired, part of me feels resistant to being curious about my tiredness and another part of me just feels plain content and pretty comfortable at the moment.

Feeling where I desire to be, how my highest self exists right now, I am okay with where I am. I am not in bliss in this moment. My parts don’t feel completely comfortable nor are they overflowing with happiness. I am not heart wrenchingly sad, I am not going through a deep process. I am where I am and that’s okay.

I had no plan of where this was going but maybe someone out there needed to hear this. I know how much pressure there is in 3D to feel happy and light. To not be a “downer” and to make situations more comfortable for others. But it’s okay to feel the parts of you that are so not okay. I invite anyone reading this to breathe, close your eyes, go in, and just feel. Just be. You ARE enough, you ARE loved, and you ARE worthy.

The heart is always authentic, whether you and your parts are open to it or not. It will always be real.

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, programs, videos, community, etc. Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Filling Up And Serving From The Love-Well Within

by Kalayna Colibri

to love fully 2

To love fully, we must be self-filled, not self-less… this can a hard one to wrap our heads and hearts around, as parts of us tend to be very conditioned to the idea that in order love someone ‘the right way’, this often means sacrificing or over-compromising on many things, including but not limited to, our sense of spirituality, our emotional reality, our lifestyle, etc. It often means that parts of us have been OK with ‘shrinking to fit’ in order to maintain certain relationships, even if these relationships aren’t deeply resonant or nourishing, leaving us feeling drained, depressed, maybe even very ill.

Our 3D selves, often made up of many different parts of us, like our Inner Teenager, Inner Mother/Father (or Matriarch/Patriarch), Inner Punisher, and Inner Protector, seem to have a way of expressing ‘love’ that often compromises even their own deeply held beliefs and feelings. Love then becomes a game of disowning and dishonoring our authentic emotional reality for the sake of others as well as being very self-sacrificial and often martyrs, too. Over-giving becomes the norm and choosing YOU over anyone else becomes a ground for self-punishment and beratement instead of a feeling of needing to fill up the inner love-tank so that you only have MORE to give and receive, too. Chances are that if you are wired-up to live in this more outbound way, you often find yourself drained energetically, emotionally and even spiritually.

I hear many empaths staking the claim that everyone around them ‘drains’ them, painting a picture that their gift of being empathic is actually a burden, which it can certainly feel like to parts of us, especially while this dynamic of over-giving to others and under-giving to yourself is going on. The truth that I have felt and experienced, is that our need to go within is a strong one that shows itself in so many ways… and that the gift of being here to serve love means serving from an overflow of SELF love; a steady stream created within by the waters of self care and creating a sacred space for yourself, your parts, your Metasoul Aspects to land in.

Taking the space necessary in order to find this deep inner overflow is tricky while surrounded by others who do not value this space for themselves. The love we have and want to offer each other will always be there in some form, yet without space to feel and BE in our own hearts and healing processes, means that we are serving water from a dry or drying-out well that needs replenishment which must start from within. It is as important to be with ourselves as it is to be surrounded by others who offer nourishment on all levels of being and in all areas of our lives and that want to support us in taking care of us as well as being supportive towards them.

This felt like an important point to share today, especially as Gabriel Heartman and I have been digesting and sharing a lot about the social area of life in our vlog series, Practical Ascension. If you are curious to take in more about our experience of healing in this area of life and what we offer through the SoulFullHeart lens, you can find our videos on Youtube on the SoulFullHeart Experience channel and on this playlist:

Filling up within can be one of the hardest things to imagine doing for different parts of us, depending on the configuration of our lives, yet it is so important, especially during these times of intense awakenings and upgrades happening on all levels and the increasing depth of our own Ascension processes! Nothing draws the relationships with others that we truly desire, more than being willing to say ‘no’ when necessary, to say ‘yes’ when it feels nourishing and alive, and to find a relationship with ourselves that is truly loving, unconditional and infinite.  ❤



Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

Illumination And Disclosure Through Crisis And Chaos

by Kalayna Colibri



Disclosure is happening on all sides and inside too… the thing with crisis is that we have needed it. We have needed it in order to illuminate what’s been happening inside of us and also in our relationships and the people around us. There is nothing like a death in the family, for example, to bring to light the true colours of parts within each family member – how you respond to each and every event in your life, is a chance to look into a mirror, no matter how extreme or intense the event is. What parts of you would rather pave over, pretend isn’t there STILL, even though it is staring you in your very eyes, is a choice that often leads to more drama, more crisis, more chaos. It’s not about going down the road of self-punishment, either… so many do this, often without realizing this is what’s happening on some level of their being. Often this inner response is so ingrained that it just feels normal.

This response is what spills over into a lack of genuine compassion for others who are walking out the crisis too. This response is what keeps you from feeling others AND yourself in a deeper way.

Whether you feel you are a lightworker or not, there is so much to let in around what real compassion looks and feels like. Anything that is dismissed as ONLY ‘victim mentality’ or ONLY anything else, is a black and white conclusion that does not serve love in the way your most genuine heart intends to. Others are suffering and their parts need to be felt inside of the pain before they can heal the victim within. Spill-over of self-punishment and criticism frequencies is something very powerful to watch and feel for, happening in the wildfire raging within, coming from parts that feel the crisis environment and aren’t sure how to be with it…

There is so much to be discovered within, within, withIN… there has been so much need for drama and crisis as more disclosure takes place and there will likely need to be some more because the light it casts into the darkness is the most powerful gift we could be given during these times. It does feel like eventually we won’t need this chaos anymore, and indeed we will draw it less individually if the chaos is felt and heard and healed within… one felt step at a time. 


To have space held in love WITH you, is an essentially part of going inward, feeling personal disclosure, and digesting the experience with a heart-open other. We offer free 30min intro sessions and hold them with the intention of helping you go where you cannot go on your own and without direct support from someone who has been there. Visit for more information. ❤


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

The Cracks Of Authenticity Let In Real Love


There is a moment in our lives when it all just hits the fan. The way we used to interface with the world no longer has any juice left.  The cracks in the facade start to weather, and you just can’t roll with things the way you used to.  You can’t be false. Then the only thing you can really do is shut down, go crazy, or start being honest with yourself.  This is where life gets real and that can be difficult to this part of you that has protected you and tried to find love the only way it knew how.  But it is tired and it is looking for You to come into the picture and help put it all in “order”.

When it is time to let go and get real, it can be a very uneasy process.  There are so many tricky places and conditioned responses that can send us in a wild goose chase for our golden egg of authenticity.   There are painful obstacles and trip-wire sabotage.  Yet there are also glorious movements that bring the walls down and bring in the light of real love from the core of what we truly are.  These times of deep emotional upheavals are like love magma that is looking to surface and coat the pain of what was unfelt.  With a deep spirituality, you can be held during these times by something greater than the pain.

It is going into our emotional wounding that actually gives the spiritual body its depth and meaning.  It is not at all separate, but intrinsically connected to our emotional body. We can live very content emotional and spiritual lives on the surface, but when we consciously choose to enter into something that goes to the core of our BEing we find that we have only just begun to become aware of what we really are and can be.  But as with any real growth comes the price of deep feeling and the transaction of real love.

I can feel the next layers of what eventually needs healing in my emotional body that only comes when divine timing and situation has coalesced to bring that to my awareness.  It can generally take you by surprise and create reactions that are just so perfect for where we need to go to grow.  I have times feeling a part that doesn’t want to “go there” only to assure it that what lies on the other side is more goodness and more love.

This process of emotional and spiritual maturation can be very challenging and difficult to navigate on ones own.  It is being held and guided by others, in community, that serve this very rewarding pathway.  You may find yourself in times of deep personal process that needs a bigger You to show up to, but know that is all part of what is being given to you as a gift for further deepening of emotional and spiritual consciousness.  Knowing there is Love on the other side is what keeps you going and growing.

To feel more about what this the burgeoning new way of life may have to offer you, I invite you to attend our next SoulFullHeart group call this Saturday at 11:11 AM CST.  We will be offering teachings about bridging to your emotional body and your spirituality and a guided meditation to connect with your emotional body (plus individual sharings):


Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual teacher, men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

Popping Through Ceilings In Your “Roaring 20s”: Dedicated To ALL Awakening 20-somethings

by Kalayna Colibri



A feeling of wanting to reach up and touch the sky above you… better still, leap up into it, soaring into the heights you so feel are possible inside your heart. You get it… you get that something inside of you is needing air and is collapsing in on itself in a struggle to fit into a mold passed down by parents and the media and all sides of your culture. You don’t know quite what you or your life are really “supposed” to look and feel like yet, and many choices (though you may not see ALL of them in every moment) lay before you.

Many, many different boxes packed with possibilities are placed in all corners of your room, wanting you to unpack them and see what could be inside. So many questions, all too often answered by pre-conditioning, regarding what you should do with your life and why, where you should live and why, what makes your life worth living and why… what should be your values, your morals, your ways of expressing, your ways of measuring your net and self worth. But it’s all a big ceiling that wasn’t MEANT for you, sweet soul! Oh my god, it was imposed on you and with your permission and you’ve let it stay there for this long, and now you feel the press of your bigness wanting to pop it open… but society tells you that this is “depression”, or worse still, that what you’re feeling and experiencing IS life itself and nothing more or less… this compounds inside of you until you pop like a jack-in-the-box, taking risks, saying NO, finding your way, crawling through glass at times and yet still finding your way – often a “way” that could not be prescribed by those who came before you. No. It’s YOURS and it was always meant to BE yours…

Oh, the things you are feeling… the stuck places where you feel there’s no movement. The identity “crises” (that are really OPPORTUNITIES…) these are ALL trying to move your compass in a different direction. This is trying to wake you up and shake up your way of BEing in life, showing you with neon lights that this is NOT the way you HAVE TO choose. Your 20s are a shadowy time in some ways… there are many shadows lurking around you, reflections of old ways of doing things that somehow was passed on to you, but now is your chance to find your NO and break through your glass ceiling. You do have the power to burst through this… after all, the ceiling is there with YOUR permission anyways, as is ALL of your conditioning from culture, birth family, and those friends you’ve drawn to you.

Maybe you decided to go to college. Going back is an option, but maybe doesn’t feel like the real answer… so much is stirring inside you, like a baby lion reaching deep within for its first roar. You’re meant to claim whatever this roar is and needs to be. Pushing away from what ISN’T you can take this step sometimes. There may be mess, but you are so held in every moment and there is so much support coming at you from all sides, holding healing balms and salves… guiding you to lean into a deeper, bigger, more authentic YOU that works without bells and whistles and cavalcades. It is a YOU that calls subtly at first and then gets louder when you’re ready to hear it and feel it. It is a YOU that wants center stage at the center of your being but cannot take it without YOUR permission.

YOU are here because YOU are an epic, HUGE soul and that ceiling you’ve been surviving under is cracking… it’s your choice now, whether or not you want to take the road that is known, or the one less traveled by. Either way, know that there is no wrong or right, only choice, and that every single breath you take is just as sacred as the first and the last. You have decisions at your fingertips and magic in your palms. The world needs you and you need you, to step into the calling to be a new sort of King and Queen – completely sovereign in your own self, leading others into the heart territory you too long to go in, feeling how what you really, deeply, actually feel is what is meant to guide you and others into new places and aspects of space and “time” yet undiscovered or unremembered. You are being remembered by the universe just as you are remembering yourself. There is so much beyond that cap you’ve gone along with for this long. There is so much more love, respect and absolute wonder waiting for you, wanting you to find and feel it all, coming straight from within. It is a constant choice that requires no more than your renewed commitment to it in every moment – Awaken with the soul pull knocking at your heart-door, or go back to sleep…

Which are you choosing?


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge and healer, writer, and poetess. Find out more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life at


Admitting Your Apathy To Find Your Compassion


I couldn’t blame myself or part of me for not caring anymore. So many years of bullshit and suddenly realizing how much of that I shoveled on myself, let alone on my relationships with others. I had years of trying to stand out from my birth family, declaring myself to be the “black sheep”, which is true in many ways but was a declaration that led to much entitlement around what I should and should not have to experience and be vulnerable around in my life. I did the same with virtually all of the people around me, family or no, setting myself apart from everyone, somehow and someway.

My daemon, out of painful, held deep disdain towards humanity made sure of this. He wanted me to be driven towards a fame trajectory. It was rooted in the performing arts for a time, but was also about becoming a spiritual guru of some sort. It was my dream (or part of me’s dream) for many years to become an author and speaker, engaging audiences from a stage and maybe even reading them out as a psychic/medium. The invulnerability of the desire I held to do and be this is only coming to light now. The deep-seated apathy underneath it all is being revealed, inch by inch. Luckily my daemon, Gideon, is willing to be open and vulnerable in sharing with me his experience with this, wanting to heal and move it, which is big for an awakening Daemon.

Now when I feel my old desire to be an important figure in the “self-help” industry, I am feeling with Gideon, in real time, some of the layers he detects are really at play in a business climate that is supposed to be about “love and light”. While there is genuine work being offered out there that isn’t all about transcending your pain, much of it still is. This is what keeps people coming back for more. They get hooked like a child on sugar. If you don’t keep going back to these dealers and spending money on books, seminars, etc, you find yourself back in the same ditch you started in. This happened to me.

I recall going to the I Can Do It! Conference presented by HayHouse year after year for about 4 years in Toronto, Ontario. While there were and are some genuine hearts and minds who write and speak there, I can feel how I was caught up in “seeking” and not ready to be found. I wanted re-frames and a more positive spin on what I was facing and actually not really feeling my way through in my life, especially around romance and discovering my own psychic gifts. In other words, it became medication I had to keep renewing my prescription for. Part of me wanted to be told, “you’re okay!” when she really didn’t feel that way. I call this part “Katie” – my main way of interfacing with the world until very recently.

My daemon at the time was happy to keep bringing her more messages of, “you’re okay, you’ll get through this and you will be one of those authors on that stage someday. You’ll have found your soul family and you will never have to have the normal human life that so many around you have resigned themselves to. You’ll finally be seen and loved”. These words were like honey and they kept me fed for many years. But…how can holding a goal about being “seen and loved” still be about being in genuine service to others? It doesn’t feel like it can because then it’s ultimately about you. This isn’t true compassion and honestly it isn’t hard to feel how many healers on stages care more about being seen than they do about helping people, though they do offer some moving and helpful experiences to others at times. Many of them, if you read their bios, had very painful lives prior to finding their “gifts”. Pain they were never felt in and therefore couldn’t move through. Pain their daemons use as an excuse to keep taking over their lives and avoiding the real work of healing yourself so you can actually serve and heal the world in a real way…which isn’t necessarily a famous or glamorous way, either.

I have recently been feeling where Gideon holds apathy about my/his own healing, let alone anyone else’s. Apathy towards humanity and fully inhabiting life as a sacred human. Beneath the apathy is real, heartfelt care that isn’t pretty or glamorous but is beautiful and emerging all the same. Kind of like a newborn baby covered in gook. At least that’s the image I’m being offered in the moment. Like that newborn baby, there is real pain and tears that come with that whole package. It’s all being held in my personal connection with the Divine and with my SoulFullHeart facilitators supporting me. I can feel the layers I must heal through in order to continue letting in real love from myself to myself primarily.

If I don’t start there, there is no overflow of love to offer others. This is the real work they don’t tell you about at most conferences and seminars. What I feel to leave you with, whether you identify as a healer or seeker or whatever label, is that it’s important to find your apathy. You don’t need to make it “bad”, but feel where it comes from and why it’s there. Nothing feels more toxic, degrading or destructive than offering false care to yourself and others, no matter how many books you sell. You and I can’t help the world if we don’t face this truth and, in fact, we will only create new problems and perpetuate current ones if we don’t.

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Being In Want


By Wayne Vriend

Your very first experience as a human being was a want.

I want, therefore I am.

We have wants together, therefore we are in relationship.

No wants, no deal.

If part of me can minimize or camouflage my wants, then what I call ‘I’ has just shifted to a freshly launched false version of me. An inauthentic stand-in of my real me. My reality begins an epic, but unnoticed shift, from the wonder world of stunning awe, wonder and creative imagination to scarcity, fear, routine, and rules. A staggering fall from grace, that has and continues to spawn and be the foundation of entire religions and cultures.

My false selves’ biggest treasures slowly become the adaptations that help me survive this loss of a lifetime and only serve to further my suffering. My false self can put my life on autopilot and just copy what seems to work for most. Coming from this place, my false self doesn’t need much at all from you, from God or from myself, for that matter.

Wanting, though, is what makes us alive. Minimizing and camouflaging our wants is slow motion suicide. Being in want returns us, slowly but surely, to our authentic selves.

Wanting makes me write this and wanting makes you read this.

Being in real want is so vulnerable. In growing up, we are soon trained to camouflage our wants. Raw, naked, and powerful want was frowned upon. We were taught by others who had long ago grown afraid of their wants and who also demanded our complicity in the great lie, that we could get hurt beyond repair by being too plain about what we wanted. We found make do ways to get our needs met in underground and deceptive ways, no longer protesting good enough, and with huge downsides, that strangely didn’t feel so unbearable.

This cuts us off from the truest thing about ourselves; being in familiar contact with what we wanted.

I wanted meaningful connection with friends; my false self settled for polite conversation and catching up over coffee. I wanted to feel the Divine loving me; my false self settled for the illusion of earning God’s favour. I wanted to be seen and really known by my former mate; my false self settled for caretaking her and not being called out of my disconnect. I wanted to be noticed and seen;  my false self settled for people pleasing. I wanted true family; my false self settled for a place for it to be well liked. I wanted real and passionate mentors; my false self settled for people who let me be associated with them because I reflected well on them. I wanted my self; my false self settled for not wanting.

Asking the question, with as much courage and honesty as we can muster, ‘what is it that I really want?,’ is our great quest. Hence the ‘question.’

Following the answer we receive, no matter how small, will lead us back to our real self – our true, safely buried, and still breathing authentic self.

I want and need and desire to get to know and serve that real you.

I refuse to settle for less any more. How about you?

​Visit for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Healing Process.

In The Lonely Room: Challenge, Struggle, Process, Surrender

By Chris Tydeman

*This was written after a SoulFullHeart weekend group healing and energy session in Vancouver, BC.  It is a reflection and vulnerable description of my personal experience. 

As I write this, I am sitting in my living room.  I have renamed it The Lonely Room.  This name was brought to me by Jillian as a place where men go to digest, process, and reconnect.  It feels fitting in this moment and all others that have preceded it and have yet to pass.  To a part of you, it may sound depressing.  It certainly does to a part of me.  However, the reality is that this is the only place I can be right now to let in all that has been offered to me.  It has become sacred space.  A space where my parts, my daemon, and my connection to God can be together without distraction.

In my recent visit to Vancouver, I felt like a pinball.  At least, that is how a part of me felt.  But that is how it is sometimes.  We get put into play by our intention and desire.   We hit a rubber wall of resistance.  Other times we go through false walls and move right through.  We land in special places where lights sparkle and bells whistle with excitement, only to pop right out again to find more resistance, doors, and joyful resonance.  The flippers keep us in play to receive more lessons, more opportunity.  But eventually the ball comes to rest.  It rests in a quiet place.  To reflect, process, and download all that was felt.  This is The Lonely Room.

By now, you may be thoroughly confused.  Sorry about that.  Let me offer you my story.  As stated above, I went to Vancouver to join in a SoulFullHeart group session and energy healing.  Afterwards, I would visit with my daughter.  Even before getting there, I felt many emotions coming from multiple parts.  I have an arrest record that has made it a challenge to enter Canada.  Though I have taken the necessary steps to clear this, it has always been a 50/50 chance.  This brings up loads of anxiety and shame.  My young part, Christopher, is acutely afraid of authority.  “The men in black are scary!” he says.  The possibility of being told to turn around would be a blow to my fragile shame part, Shane.  It was difficult not to fuse with these parts.  I did what I could to allow the feeling to come in and reassure them I would not be arrested or turned away.  Easier said than done.

After lots of meditation and prayer I entered Canada and was given an opportunity to clear my record by a sympathetic border agent.  (Either that, or he just didn’t want to me to waste their time anymore.)  New life was infused within me and now it was negotiating transit to make it to my Mecca.  Now that I think of it, it was more of a pilgrimage than a sojourn, has I had previously thought of it.  Parts of me had found their way home.

The next day in group, I worked with a part of me that held my shame and guilt.  I had to admit something that was very painful to reveal.  This part of me, Marcus, is not comfortable with me being explicit, but the revelation was about his lack of self-worth and self-punishment.  In this moment, healing occurred, through Love and Grace.  A “rubber suit” had been placed around me to protect me from letting anything in, while at the same time not letting anything out.  Not a healthy combination.

Through this “feelization”, I was shown that my own daughter had inherited this suit.  This of course brought me more guilt and shame only to be held in love by Jillian and Wayne and was moved to remorse.  Not nearly as energetic and debilitating.  With remorse, there is awareness yet compassion.  To help my own child see this, I had to first remove mine.  This would be done during the energy session and it turned out to be a cocoon instead of a suit.  I was changed as a result.  A different me than the one that walked through the door.

That night I brought my new awareness to my daughter.  I could feel how much pain was residing in her young part over this.  We both reflect each other in our goodness, but also in our disconnectedness.  She was moved by my words and vulnerability in the moment, but could not let it all the way in, for her own reasons.   Reasons that I am all too familiar with.  I know that it will take time.  She has been offered this work as a way to help be more authentic in the world and to let in true love.  I was challenged as to how much of her resistance I was willing to accept.  To be honest, I really don’t know.  For now, all I can do is continue to bring my truth to her and see where it lands.  It has taken me some time to get here, and I am not able to let go yet.  This challenge, however, rattled my cage to the core, and has also led me to my relationship to my family and friends.

While I have created space from my family, I have not brought my process to them.  There are still too many energetics at play to be able to talk frankly about it.  I can write, but that is as far as I can go for now.  Though I know the time will come when I am ready.  This would be to truly love myself and them.  My friends, however, are more immediate.  I do not hold the level of energy I do with my family.  I was challenged again to feel what space I am holding for them while at the same time not being felt in my expression.  This is where struggle comes in.

As I go through this work, I become less and less connected to the “old” me.  That “old” me has built relationships around things that I no longer hold dear.  If this “new” me is as important to me as I say it is, how can I relate to my friends in an “old” way?  The answer is I can’t, but I still can’t say I won’t.  At some point, “I won’t”, will happen just as it did with my family.  I may need to go through one last cycle of expressing my authentic self.  This is where the “rubber meets the road”.  Cliché yet true.  The lack of connection may be loud and clear.  From there, I will have two options: Be old or be new.  A part of me already knows the answer; the other will need to experience it.  This is my process.

At the end of this process will be surrender.  Surrendering to what my daemon, Emmerich, knows to be true.  Surrendering to the faith he has in God.  Surrendering to the fear of letting my old friend, Marcus, go.  He will always be with me, just with a different name and a different role.  This will not happen overnight but rather over time, as the universe sees fit.

Though the road is sometimes bumpy and rough, I could not imagine being on any other one.  I am being real for the first time in my life.  I am taking responsibility for the life that has been gifted to me by the Divine.  By saying yes to this work I am saying yes to me and to love.  It is not forced upon me.  It is offered to me by the Mother and the love of Jillian and Wayne.  I am choosing this path because it is the one that feels the most authentic.  Thank you for reading this.  I always write for me initially, but somewhere I hope that someone may get something that comes out of The Lonely Room.

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