By Jelelle and Raphael Awen
This is the beautiful anniversary video that Gabriel Heartman made for us!
By Jelelle ~
Nine years ago, I joined my intention in marriage with Raphael’s….in the moment and for all moments that followed that would be in mutual desire and resonance. On some level, it all felt like a whirlwind….we started dating in July and were married by March (after knowing each other for a couple of years). We had already moved through two major geography changes finally just getting settled in Canada when we married. We also went through the collapse of our whole social and spiritual world by leaving (being asked to leave, told to leave or not be together because we were deemed to ‘codependent’ although only together three weeks!) the spiritual group we had both been part of for a few years.
I am sharing today on March 28th as a FREE PDF, on the anniversary of our wedding, the memoir I wrote of the six year period that includes my awakenings and disillusionments within the spiritual group, first dating and falling in love with Raphael, AND the recovery period after leaving the group together. Most of the writing is from actual journals that I kept during that time! It is called Under The Bloated Banyan and you can receive it by emailing us at email@example.com.
Banyan shares the story of our courtship, which was the highest highs of desire moving through, my body calibrating to what it feels like to REALLY be wanted by a man and my heart letting in what it feels like to REALLY be cherished by a man. AS I was also going through a Dark Night of letting go of ALL the souls and my previously beloved spiritual teacher that I had been close to for more than five years in the group. Ups and downs, bittersweet, and yet, always was Raphael there for me, over and over, in complete devotion and utter eagerness to be together.
Those ups and downs have settled over the years as Raphael and I found our way together through many changes and transitions yet, always, arising our way through it in union. We took our wedding rings off two years ago, feeling like it had been other parts of us (going by our birth names Wayne and Jillian) who had exchanged those rings even as the core of us was there. We felt so different after years of parts work, being in the crucible of sacred union together that had burnt away so many layers, letting go of incomes and geographies and just about everything there was to let go of other than each other.
We even felt that the significance of this day was a memory from the past and we were arising in the NOW together. Yet, I do feel in my heart a tenderness for this day, this anniversary, and where we were at that time and who we have been through the years and who we are arising into now as Raphael and Jelelle.
Our usness keeps expanding as we do and keeps vibrating at a higher frequency at all levels and in all areas – sexually, emotionally, spiritually. We are more and more connecting other lifetimes together (energizing NOW) such as in Atlantis, Lemuria, and also our star BEing aspects from other galaxies. Very little conflict between us any more and when it happens it has a Metasoul/other lifetime root cause, fewer words needed, more soul connection deepening and collaboration in our service of love together purpose through SoulFullHeart…
I feel we are Counterpart soul mates to each other, which I prefer to the twin flame paradigm. Counterpart soul mates share many pair bondings with each other in many timelines together, usually with one partner choosing female and one choosing male most often. This pairing is agreed to by the Higher Selves to heal karma together, to experience sacred union together, to become One yet not the same together.
I can feel how our relationship could feel like a fantasy or idealized, yet it is not, it IS very real. We have had to go through the dark together to illuminate the light and the love yet that was always there. We have had to say, ‘no’ to anything that was less than this love or didn’t serve it. We have had to commit to awakening and to our own personal process OVER everything else, including the relationship.The goodness overflow in a relationship can only deepen and grow if the partners are committed to their OWN growth first.
So I celebrate a love today that I am SO BLESSED to experience and have been so blessed to experience for these 9.5 years…..thank you Raphael…..my king, my BEloved, my co-creator, my love for sharing this life of serving love together and ALL of the phases and spaces our love has taken us!
By Raphael –
I’ve been married to Jelelle Awen for nine years today!
The marriage itself in 2009 was a tiny affair with about a dozen people including the officiant inside of a studio apartment and was necessitated by the need to make Jelelle a legal resident in my Canada ASAP. A month earlier, I had just gotten banned at the US border for hiding that we were engaged. With Jelelle’s California now off the list, and us taking up residence in Vancouver, we feared being told by another government that we couldn’t be together. We half joked about moving to Mexico in order to be together if need be. Our hearts simply wanted to go all in.
Jelelle entered my life very unobtrusively via email one day back in 2005. She was the manager of the business coach I was doing weekly sessions with trying to get myself free of my little painting contracting business. My coach had told me his manager would be in touch to arrange a phone call as he had decided to leave the company and I would be getting reassigned to another coach. A few days later, as expected, I received an email from Jill (Jelelle’s name at the time).
You’d have thought I was a 14-year-old boy seeing a naked woman for the first time or something if you saw me that day looking at my email. It was a very strange reaction indeed that left a part of me looking at myself with a weirded out look. ‘Are you Okay?’
As my life was at some really big turning points that year, I was drawn to check into the spiritual group my coach was a part of before I lost contact with him and so, some months later, I had driven down to Oregon to attend a seminar being offered. I had forgotten about Jill until a few days before the seminar when I found an article she wrote on the groups website. ‘Well, I guess, I’ll kind of know two people at the seminar’, I thought to myself, ‘my now former coach and Jill’, his former manager who I did end up speaking with for a few minutes a few days following the ‘weirded out’ email.
Jill and I greeted one another on the first day of the seminar and acknowledged the phone call from several months earlier. She said ‘I still recall on my notes from the call I had written and circled three times “someone I can connect with” [in regards to whom I’d like as a new business coach] as you repeated that so emphatically’. That pretty much said it about me then and it still does today.
What happened next is a long and amazing story (about 286 pages worth) and you can read that for free if you’d like as Jelelle mentioned we are offering her story of our beginnings today. PM or email me your email address at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send you the free PDF of Under The Bloated Banyan.
Three years after meeting Jill that first time, we finally became a couple. (I say ‘finally’ because it was my third time to bring an attraction. Life took off like a rocket, even more than it had three years prior when I left behind a stable marriage of 23 years and my Christian faith along with my entire social world as I knew it. Our much beloved spiritual group and its leader gave us an ultimatum to choose between dissolving our relationship or leave the group. It was abusive and we had the courage to admit what we’d been avoiding. It was time to go, but where? Jill and her daughter (Raianna) lived in California, and my little fine tuned livelihood was situated in Canada.
Wait, I’m telling the whole story again aren’t I? Like, I said, get the book.
What I’m really wanting to say today is something more vulnerable. I felt Jill was the biggest prize in this entire group and entering a relationship with her was so off the charts to everything I had dared imagine. Yet, I had done just that in the months prior, allowed myself to dream of a new life with the mate of my dreams before I could see her on any horizon of my life. Now, that I was in a relationship with Jill, it was a very good thing I had consciously chosen this and wanted this so deeply with everything in me, because the relationship called me to show up for what I wanted and tested everything in me. Our relationship got us kicked out of our beloved group and, then, the United States! Geographies, careers, families, all of it rumbled deeply to make room for what our souls had brought us to.
I entered a very socially secluded space in life where our relationship was not only at the center of everything, but was almost everything. The spiritual group was gone. Other than the grief of that loss to process, there was no social world we were a part of, other than Jelelle’s 15 year old daughterRaianna Shai and a few employees in my painting business, with whom we were friendly, but not friends. That in itself wouldn’t be that unusual, but what made it so bizarre was having a romance that was so utterly amazing with no place or people to digest it with or see its reflection, other than with each other. Each day seemed to take us to new places in connection, in heart, in desire, in sensuality and sexuality. This gave me the strange feeling of trusting the relationship more while also heightening the fear of losing it at the same time. The trust was more conscious I’d say and the fear more subconscious.
The one surviving piece being redeemed for us from the spiritual group we were a part of was awareness of parts of ourselves. I could see, feel and track the parts of myself and their needs in relation to all this unfolding. At times, I would go for a walk alone in nearby forest and have tears of amazement and appreciation at these amazing parts of me who could show up ongoingly for such an adventure, with so much change.
I still don’t know what I fell into. I’m still falling actually. Nine years later,…. looking for the handrails. Today, I will reach for the handrail of gratitude for the being named Jelelle this life, who I live and breathe with, where our average physical distance apart is about 11 feet.
Thank you, Jelelle, for BEing with me, with your exquisite BEing, for BEing in this adventure with me of love, of risk, of discovery and of service!
Photo was taken on our wedding day nine years ago in a small studio apartment in West Vancouver….Ah newlyweds, although we are STILL like this!
Jelelle and Raphael Awen