Author: Gabriel Heartman

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

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30 Days With My Parts: Day 10 – Family Values: The Politics of Invulnerability

Published on November 24, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel Heartman5 Comments

Day 10-

I have introduced Simon as the part of me that is associated with my self-image, the face of my false-self that was so used to being presented to others to garner acceptance and likability. Another face of my false-self is Chris. This is the part of my image that attached to family specifically. I felt moved to journal with him after our radio show about codependence in our relationships.

Christopher: Hello, Chris. I felt the desire to speak with you today after this show. Is that okay?

Chris: Sure. I am a little nervous about this being public but I feel how it can be helpful to others.

C: I understand. Whatever you don’t want to get into publicly we won’t. Oh, I will be capital C and you can be lower case c. Not that you are less than. Anything but.

c: I understand. I don’t mind.

C: Okay. Let me know if it bothers you. How are you feeling about the show?

c: Not bad. I had some nervousness about family listening. I felt held by you.

C: That is good to hear. What was the nervousness about?

c: I guess feeling that I was being criticized by hurt parts of my family.

C: That was a recurring theme in your process. It still feels a little tender.

c: Yeah. There were too many experiences of hearing criticisms of other family members behind each other’s backs. It was pervasive. At least it was to me. I joined in as well, so I am just as guilty.

C: How did you feel when you did it?

c: It didn’t feel good. Like it really wasn’t me. I felt uncomfortable even as I was animated about it at times.

C: It was part of the culture you were raised in Chris. I know you feel remorse about participating. I am getting a feeling of some guilt as well. Would you be okay talking about that?

c: I guess the guilt comes from not having the courage to speak up against it or express my discomfort in it. The environment felt so pent up with anxiety and anger that I didn’t want to unleash that, even though it would have been the most loving thing to do for me and them.

C: You couldn’t have possibly done anything more that what you did. You did what you had to do to survive and take care of parts of me that needed the feeling of safety. You are a hero in my book for doing that, Chris. I am so grateful you didn’t has it could have been more harmful to you than good. Your remorse is evidence of your heart capacity and your love for your family.

c: I am certain they don’t feel that way.

C: You can’t get them to feel or see something they are not willing or ready to feel or see. I can still feel how your self-worth came through the perception of your family.

c: Yeah, very much so. My hook up to them was through their value picture even if it totally wasn’t mine. Like a lot of people, I looked for love through being accepted, so one of the main ways was to take on values. I got so used to that even when it didn’t match what I was feeling. I went deeper into politics in order to feel like I was taking up the family banner of conservatism. That steeped me more into the culture of criticism, as politics is a fertile soil for that. Us against them.

C: I can feel how taking up this banner gave you some recognition as a good son, defender of the collective family value.

c: Well, that and being “responsible”. That feels to be the bigger banner. The political conservatism is an expression of that.

C: That feels to be the heart of what I wanted to get to today. Being responsible. Yeshua and Wayne felt into the loyalty aspect of the family value system this morning, but I feel how you really got hooked into the “responsibility clause”.

c: Yes. I most certainly did. Good ‘ol responsible, Chris. I heard the criticism towards those who were not being responsible, and I didn’t want that to be me. I wanted the accolades of being the good son, despite a subconscious desire to not be. I wasn’t born with the fire to go against the system.

C: Oh, you most certainly were, Chris. You just needed the time it took to feel done with it and you did. If you didn’t have some desire, it would have never had happened.

c: That feels true. Thanks. I needed to hear that. Sometimes I hear this family voice inside me that says, “We wanted you to do whatever made you happy, even if we disagreed, just as long as we stayed connected.” The thing about that is, that I don’t want to debate or analyze or argue. It was always a mental game going on with defensive and controlling parts vying for righteousness.

C: Feels like you are unrolling something keep going…

c: Who is right vs. who is wrong. Who is not being responsible and what they “should” do. Politics became a great way of exercising that righteous muscle so no one had to be vulnerable and apply it to the person they are speaking to or thinking about. You are not pissed off at Obama, you are pissed off that you don’t have a sense of power in your own life, or that you can’t be honest with your spouse about what really fucking bothers you. What else is coming to me is that I have become another common enemy to their false selves. A place to project their crap. I reject that, Christopher.

C: Whoa. Who are you?

c: Lol! I don’t know. I do take responsibility for my half of that equation. I participated in that, but I don’t want to disqualify myself anymore because of it. I know I did all I could at that time to open my heart without it getting kicked. I no longer hold shame over that, at least I would like not too.

C: I feel something bigger here that could be expanded. You are feeling so courageous to me, Chris. I am inspired by you. There is a spine that is growing in you as you talk about it.

c: Thank you. I feel the more space that I have had the more I can really get into this. I feel it is important to continue as the responsibility piece needs to move to allow more trust and desire in.

C: Uh…yeah, couldn’t agree more. Did I dial the right number?

c: Lol! Something just shifted in me.

C: Ya think? I want more, dude.

c: Me too.

C: My eyes are getting googly from staring at this screen too long. Let’s pick this up later.

c: Okay. Sounds good.

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30 Days With My Parts: Day 9 – Chain Of Love

Published on November 23, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

So there is this chain of love that starts with the Divine, flows through me, fills me up, and then flows to you for healing and holding. A new world chain of command, where the only command is to open our hearts to real love, both sacred and human.

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Good morning, Christopher.

C: Beautiful sunrise.

S: Yes, it is. I love that about living here. It’s like waking up to a different painting every morning.

C: Most definitely. I wanted to check in about this new cycle of change that is coming.

S: Yeah. It is a lot. It is interesting how as soon as I start to feel grounded in a place I wasn’t grounding in, here comes another possible uproot.

C: Tell me how that feels inside.

S: There is a little bit of everything. Some frustration around the effort of it all. I feel like I am a bit lazy. I enjoy not doing much of anything, yet at the same time get jazzed up for having something focused to do. I get to manage and accomplish something.

C: We get to manage and accomplish something.

S: Right. I said that. You just typed it wrong.

C: >: {

S: Fine. I tend to take that over. I feel it helps to cope with the fear and anxiety I feel about the unknown and uncertainty of it all. My picture of the rest of this life is not turning out the way I had in my mind when we started this.

C: What were you envisioning?

S: I saw us with some cool new job that was creative and fun. Being either in Vancouver or close to it. I thought through the process this would have presented itself and we would have lived happily ever after.

C: Sounds like a fairy tale. Riding off in the sunset with the American Dream.

S: Yep. Feels like I drank the KoolAid of this false reality matrix your soul spoke of yesterday. It all just felt so good, but now, when we reflect on it, I can feel it was in reaction to the pain that was inside that really wasn’t mine but your soul’s. I thought it was mine.

C: Some of it was yours, Simon. Being false doesn’t mean you are some misty projection, like a ghost, without substance. On the contrary. You are an essential part of me that got caught up in the game, the real fairy tale. Your pain was not being held and cared for by an authentic self.

S: Wow. So when you were praying to God about wanting to know your soul, I was praying to your soul to get to know you?

C: Double, wow. We may have to divert that one to the metaphysician. What feels true is that you were calling out to be held and guided, just as I was. So there is this chain of love that starts with the Divine, flows through me, fills me up, and then flows to you for healing and holding. A new world chain of command, where the only command is to open our hearts to real love, both sacred and human.

S: You are starting to sound like Soul from yesterday.

C: I do, don’t I? It must be channeling through in the moment.

S: Are you going to start wearing flowing robes and growing a beard?

C: Lol! Uh, no. At least not for a few years.

S: > : {

C: So I feel this leads us to your anxiety that you conveniently steered us away from. Nicely done.

S: I thought you would start to orate or something and I could slip out the back with Angela and make out.

C: WHAT?

S: Kidding, Christopher. Geez. Now who is the one who can’t take a joke?

C: That was good, Simon. But back to the anxiety. What is it that you are anxious about?

S: I worry about money. I have this fear that we will wind up on the street, homeless and hungry. I fear Jillian and Wayne will want to be on their own and we will be alone. I worry about Raianna and not being close to her. I worry about how we will be perceived by others, like we are crazy people. I worry I won’t be happy.

C: I want you to feel my heart, Simon, when I say I will not do anything that you absolutely do not want to do. Did you like zip-lining with Raianna that one time?

S: Oh, yeah! It was exhilerating!

C: Remember, we had just enough desire and courage to push off. There was fear, but not enough to quelch the desire. We take one tree at a time. We might camp out in a tree for a while until the next batch of courage and desire arise.

S: I did like the way it felt when Soul said that yesterday.

C: Your fears are real. As real as you are to me. I want to be with those fears and feel them every step of the way, what ever that means. I feel you can see my soul’s vision and that frightens you. That picture is only negotiated with you, Simon. No cliff jumping, unless you want to.

S: Thank you, Christopher.

C: : ) Now there has to be something that excites you as much as concerns you. They are two sides of the same coin.

S: I do love the feeling of freedom and adventure. There is an aliveness that is so much more desirable than the deadness we were once in. I don’t have to live up to anyone’s image of me anymore. I am free of that. This will also help me with being a creature of habit. That will take some getting used to. I love my comfort and routine.

C: We will feel that every step of the way.

S: This felt good to talk about. I also like it when synchronicities happen. Those are like “you’re doing it!” markers. They help me to relax a bit more.

C: We just need to open up to them, Simon. We will get guidance along the way. We can live in faith or doubt.

S: I really want to chose faith, Christopher.

C: I can feel that, Simon. Then just hold that desire and we will feel our next step.

S: I couldn’t do this without you.

C: I there is no way I could do this without you, Simon. Let’s get ready for group.

S: Whew! Okay. I had my suit pressed yesterday.

C: When? Wait….nice one, Simon.

S: ; )

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30 Days With My Parts: Day 8 – Soul Rising

Published on November 22, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

You have choices that allow for the perfect balance of fear and growth. The more you experience this dance, the more you begin to trust and take on more risk. You don’t have to go cliff jumping, just take a zip line to the next tree.

Christopher: Good morning, Soul. I was drawn to have conversation directly with you. This is not “standard SFH protocol” according to Simon, but I am doing it anyway. It’ll be good for him.

Soul: You felt guided. That is all the protocol you need.

C: Thank you. Is it okay to speak with you?

S: I wouldn’t be your soul if it wasn’t.

C: Hmmm. True. I felt the desire to speak to you because of all that came up last night at dinner with Jillian and Wayne.

S: Care to let the readers know what that was?

C: Yes, of course. They have been going through a catalytic process around transitioning from painting income to healing alchemy. This means they are looking at the reality of giving up the house they live in and going on an adventure. SoulFullHeart on wheels. They write about it here and here.

S: Okay.

C: So, naturally, I feel a desire to do this with them. I feel this desire rooted in my past aches to be free of the system, free of being “responsible” but free to be responsive, like Yeshua talked about this morning. I have felt this from what I would call my soul. And that is why I wanted to talk with you.

S: I am so glad to finally talk with you, Christopher. I know we are one and the same, but to have this dialogue feels like it could bring a lot of movement and alchemy. That ache that you have felt since college has been me wanting to have expression in the world. You awoke to me by your psychotropic drug use because it cleared the matrix of your mind long enough to feel me. To sense me. To hear me. That ache in you for more was me. That creative itch was me. The desire to live alternatively, outside the grid of “normal” consciousness, was me. The draw to spirituality was me. The fire in your belly is me, yet ultimately you.

C: Wow. I haven’t let that in yet. I always went on hikes asking God to help me find you. To help me feel you and be guided by you. Always asking for epiphanies to enlighten me from my daily burdens. None came until SoulFullHeart.

S: You had emotional barriers to feel into first. You have had to reconcile those this life and make difficult choices to get to this point. These pieces about being responsible, being liked, and being a part of “society” are your catalytic crucibles. They are rooted in so many lifetimes. This life you were destined to heal those. To become a part of something greater than the daily bullshit shoveled down the collective throat of humanity. A destiny of healing, growing, creating, serving, leading, and loving.

C: It all feels so true to me when you say it, yet I can feel the part of me that is having a hard time letting that in as a reality. This part of me, Simon, felt that all he needed was another career and he would be happy.

S: That would have been a smaller step in this direction, yet the happiness would have been another medication not to heal this life and live your destiny out. It would have been parked in another stall just with better ambience, but parked still the same. But I drew SoulFullHeart to lead us out of the garage and into the crucible of real life. A life of experience, exploration, and excitement. A life of believable uncertainty that is alive in each moment because of its relationship to death. Death of what is known. Death of what to expect. Death of control. The death of a part of you to be reborn in your heart as an authentic sacred human being.

C: This is all so much to let in, Soul. I feel you underneath all my conditioning, yearning to be free, to be birthed. I want what you want, for, like you said, it is me. I want to feel your edges and textures more. I can’t do that in bubble wrap.

S: I appreciate you wanting that, Christopher. It is a relief to feel. I know that there are parts to feel and heal. I am not a pusher in this life, but I am persistent. I will keep poking you, drawing situations and people that will lead you to growth or, if you chose, not growth. I know you know what not growth feels like, but it is still a choice. This land of adventure is where I live. It is the atmosphere that I breathe and move in. If you can trust me, and the Divine, we can take you places you and your parts could only imagine. A new frontier of being in the world. One not without risk, mind you. It is full of risk, but manageable risk. You have choices that allow for the perfect balance of fear and growth. The more you experience this dance, the more you begin to trust and take on more risk. You don’t have to go cliff jumping, just take a zip line to the next tree.

C: Whew…I can feel my parts relax when you said that. I need some time to let this in and journal with my parts around it. Thank you for talking to me. I feel to keep doing so.

S: I am always here. Patiently persistent.

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30 Days With My Parts: Day 7 – Roundtable Of Love

Published on November 21, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

There has been a week’s worth of journaling between my last post and this one. I felt to share this one today as it is current and touching to me.

Christopher: Good morning, everyone. I felt like addressing you all instead of just one. I could not feel any one part in particular that wanted to talk, so I thought I would just put out an invitation.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: Good morning, Simon. What are you feeling this morning?

S: I feel rested. A good sleep. Though I feel a lot going on in my head.

C: I can sense that. What is it?

S: It is a feeling of overwhelm. I feel like I am holding your process mentally, like thinking of all the things that “need” to get done like journaling, the blog, the radio show, shopping, finding a job, plus desires like exercise, cooking, art, being outdoors. I don’t know why I keep doing that.

C: Maybe you do? Why do you feel like you have to hold it all?

S: I feel like if I don’t hold it mentally, you will forget something.

C: Why is that important to you?

S: I guess I am managing perception again. Like by making sure it all gets done I will feel like a good SoulFullHeart student. It feels good to me when you get good feedback from Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.

C: This usually means a need is not getting met by me, Simon. Can you feel what that might be?

S: I feel like I am not as important now that Nathaniel and Angela are a part of your life.

C: I know that my heart’s attention is being shared but that does not lessen my heart’s affection, Simon. I journal with you everyday and we are always talking throughout the day.

S: I know. I guess I got used to real love and feeling it directed toward me everyday. I feel like I am being spoiled or something.

C: I want to spoil you, Simon! I want to give you all the love you need. But I also want to give love to Nathaniel, Angela, and Peter. They want to love you too. Imagine that, Simon! Not only are you able to receive love from me, but also all three of them. You get thrice the love!

S: I never felt it like that before.

C: I am going to invite them to come here and talk to you if you would like.

S: Okay.

C: Is there anyone who would like to go first?

Angela: I will!!!

C: I can always trust your enthusiasm, Angela.

A: : ) Hi, Simon.

S: Hi, Angela. : )

A: See, too cute. Did you already forget our last conversation?

S: No. I just didn’t let it in enough I guess.

A: Well, I will say over and over until it does. You are my hero. You did life the best you could and you did it with honour and bravery. Nathaniel guarded me, but you protected me. You kept me safe and I love you for that. I want to give you a kiss.

S: Uh…in front of everyone? We just met?

A: Simon! I am trying to express my love and gratitude with a kiss. Where is my prince?

S: I am honestly taking in what you said, but I just don’t feel ready for that.

A: You are right, Simon. I am sorry. I am rushing things. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate who you are and what you had to do this life up until now.

S: I feel that from your heart, Angela. I really do. Thank you.

A: No. Thank you, Simon. I love you.

S: : )

A: Awwww…swooning!

C: Thank you, Angela. I appreciate you saying those things.

A: Anytime. : )

C: Anyone else?

Peter: I do! I do!

C: Wow. Okay, Peter. What do you have to say to Simon?

P: Simon, I know that you had a lot of responsibilities up until now and I wouldn’t have my magical friends if it wasn’t for you. I want you to be able to play, too, Simon. You worked so hard at getting through life, you deserve to be free and enjoy. I have always wanted a big brother to play with and I want that to be you. K?

S: Thank you, Peter. I want to play, too. I so much want to have fun and enjoy life. So many times before my idea of fun was destructive and unhealthy. I want innocent fun like you have. I don’t want to be a stick in the mud.

P: You aren’t, Simon. You are a funny guy and I like that. Ooo! We could watch funny people on TV together.

S: That would be great, Peter. I was thinking we could see that Free Bird movie together when it comes out.

P: Yay!!!! I wanted to see that. Thank you, Simon!

S: No, thank you Peter. I love you, brother.

P: Love you, A Cow Jumped Over the Simoon.

S: You’re a goof.

P: : )

C: Thank you, Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater.

P: : P

C: Do you feel moved to say anything, Nathaniel?

N: I wish to second what Angela said about your honour and bravery, Simon. As I was guarding and hiding in the background, you were fighting battles in the foreground. You are valiant man, Prince Simon. You have strength and resilience. I admire that and am inspired by it. I feel you have a lot to offer Christopher and all of us. You are respected and cared for, Simon. Trust me when I say to let that in as deep as it can go.

S: Thank you, Nathaniel. I have felt intimidated by you as some powerful key to Christopher’s future. I have also felt jealous.

N: It is I that am jealous of you, Simon. You have roundtable of love here, Simon, all sending their love to you.

S: I am grateful to all of you. I feel like a part of something greater all of a sudden. You are my family now. I want to let you all in more and I promise I will do so. Thank you so much for this, Christopher. It is overwhelming, but in a very good way.

C: I am so glad you can feel the love, Simon. I know it will take time to set in. We will read this again and it will go in even deeper still.

S: I feel like resting now.

C: Okay, Simon. You do that. You deserve it.

S: I love you.

C: I love you too, buddy. Rest well.

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Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

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30 Days With My Parts: Day 6 – The Princess Impresses

Published on November 19, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

Day 6

90 Days With My Parts: Day 6- The Princess Impresses

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning. How are you?

C: I am feeling mellow in the moment. I got a good sleep last night. You must have as well.

S: I did.

C: How are you feeling about my connection with Angela?

S: It is a little strange, but after your talk with her I am interested.

C: Would you like to meet her?

S: Uh. I guess. I am a little nervous.

C: She is pretty sweet. I like her a lot.

S: Okay. Still nervous.

C: Let’s just see how it goes.

S: Okay.

C: Good morning, Angela. You awake?

Angela: Of course I am! I don’t like sleeping much since I woke up, my prince.

C: I want to introduce you to Simon.

A: Yeah. Of course! He is a part of you, so I would love to.

C: Say hi, Simon.

S: Hi, Simon.

C: >: I

S: Hello, Angela.

A: Hello, Simon. You don’t have to be shy silly. I don’t bite…unless you want me too.

S: Huh?

A: It’s a joke! Wow. Are you still sleepy?

S: Yeah. A little.

A: So what’s it like being a part of Christopher?

S: Well, hmmm, he talks to me a lot and helps me when I am anxious. He is my mentor/ father-figure. We used to be brothers, but that doesn’t feel right anymore. He calls me his co-pilot.

A: You look handsome in that suit. Very distinguished.

S: Really?

A: So you can’t take a joke or a compliment. We need to work on that.

S: Thank you, Angela. I am just not used to talking to anyone but Christopher. I have a hard time being relational.

A: Well, I want to help with that. Is that okay?

S: Uh, yeah, sure. That would be cool. I mean great.

A: You feel nervous.

S: Just getting used to this.

A: Do you find me pretty?

S: What?

A: Have you lost your hearing, too?

S: No. I just wasn’t expecting that question.

A: So?

S: You are feisty, aren’t you?

A: That’s not an answer, Simon.

S: Yes. I find you very pretty. Geez.

A: You sound like I am torturing you.

S: I’m just not used to this forthrightness.

A: “Forthrightness”? We need to loosen you up, Simon.

S: : /

A: Oh, don’t get all quiet on me, Simon. I’m having fun with you. I’m sorry. I will back off.

S: It’s okay. I am being a bit stiff.

A: I think your vocabulary is sexy.

S: Oh boy. Um…thank you?

A: Lol! You are priceless, Simon! We are going to have fun together.

S: Glad you feel that way.

A: I will relieve you of your anxiety and uncomfortability and ease my ‘forthrightness’. Can we chat soon? I like you, Simon.

S: Yeah. That would be…..desirable.

A: Yep. Too cute. Great! I will come get you.

S: Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

A: Shut up! I think I found my new prince, Christopher.

C: Lol! I guess so! Go Simon!

S: What is going on around here?

C: You are being loved, Simon.

S: Feels like I am being made fun of.

C: Not in the least bit. I feel Angela is going to be a good influence on you, Prince Simon.

S: Stop!

C: Okay. Sorry. You are a likable guy, Simon. Get used to it. The teasing is a show of affection.

S: I never got used to that. I always took it personally.

C: I know. You were branded by the bullying. Teasing can feel the same way sometimes. But there are no more bullies so maybe we can work on holding that with a little fun?

S: I’ll try.

C: She is cute, isn’t she?

S: Yeah. She is really pretty.

C: Let me know when you want to speak to her again.

S: Okay. Should I bring flowers?

C: Wow. Mr. Casanova! Do you feel like bringing flowers?

S: I don’t know if it is too much.

C: It feels like she would be flattered.

S: Okay. I’ll think about it…I mean, feel into it.

C: Of course you will. ; )

S: Don’t you have things to do today?

C: Love you, Simon!

S: Yeah. Love you, too.

Recommended Reading:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

30 Days With My Parts: Day 5 – The Princess Arrives

Published on November 18, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel Heartman3 Comments

Day 5

After getting the okay from my daemon-soul guardian, Nathaniel, I began the initial journaling questions with my feminine part, Angela. But first I had to wake her up. Some questions may have been omitted due to a negotiation with my self-image part, Simon.

Christopher: Okay, Nathaniel. How are you feeling about waking Angela up?

Nathaniel: I feel ready, but nervous.

C: Of course.

N: You feel like a man on a mission.

C: Lol! Yeah. I certainly am. Okay, here it goes.

We both lift the glass container and set it to the ground. Angela is a beautiful young woman. She looks to be in her mid twenties. She has long, curly red hair. She has stunning green-brown eyes. Her clothes are somewhat masculine but worn with a feminine flair. A long sleeved renaissance type shirt, riding pants, and boots. There is a bow and quiver tucked to her side. I lean down and kiss her on her forehead.

Angela (waking): Who are you?

C: I am Christopher. You are a part of me.

I help her up to a seated position. She looks around in bewilderment.

A (she notices Nathaniel): Nathaniel!

She gives him a huge hug.

C: You remember him?

A: Yes, of course. He was my protector when you weren’t around.

N: Are you upset with me Angela for putting you here?

A: No, Nathaniel. I was getting weary of all the attacks. Thank you for guarding me. I know you were doing what you felt like you had to do.

N: You aren’t the least bit upset?

A: Well, I wasn’t chained up and left for starving. I can feel love in your actions.

N: Well, that has yet to be revealed, Angela. My motives may be less than admirable, but I do feel there was heart in my actions.

A: Well, whatever those motives were, I feel like I could forgive them. If I am put away again, however, I will not be happy.

N: Of course.

C: I would not be happy either.

A: So, you are my Christopher. My Prince Charming. My knight in shining armour.

C: Uh…I am he. I am not sure about Prince Charming, but I do admit I like the sound of it.

A: We have some getting to know each other.

C: Yes, we do. Do you feel up to it?

A: I have been asleep for a while, I think I am rested enough to answer some questions. : )

C: Wow. Okay. What did your world look like before coming here?

A: I lived in a room with lots of dolls and a doll house. I had a ton of stuffed animals.

C: That sounds magical.

A: Oh, yes. I used to write a lot of stories about princes and princesses. Must be why I love the TV show Once Upon A Time.

C: I would love to hear one of those stories sometime.

A: Maybe. We’ll see.

C: How old are you?

A: 25

C: What part of my body do you relate to?

A: I feel myself in your heart.

C: How do you feel about my mother?

A: I feel sad and angry. I am sad because she feels stuck in a man’s world. She feels like a prisoner. But I am angry for the same reason. It is self-imposed. She has given up her soul for security, her feminine for masculine “safety”.

C: How do you feel about my father?

A: There is a part of him that is scary and rough. Not tender. The way he talked about women in your youth hurt me and angered me. His anger was frightening. But there is also this gentle giant part of him that was kind and thoughtful. I wish that part was out more as a child.

C: You and Simon both. What about the relationship between my parents?

A: It was messy and hard to be around. So much angst and anxiety. Not much true love in the air, if at all. I can feel true love and that wasn’t it. They weren’t vulnerable enough except at the end when they divorced. Their current relationships feel stuck. Unmovable. Lack of passion and desire. I cannot be around that.

C: How do you feel about my former romantic partner?

A: She reminds me of me, in a way. She has a fire in her belly and a longing to be loved. She had a lot of angst that blocked her true feminine but she feels to be balancing that out. I love her new found independence. “You go girl!”. And I don’t mean that in a feminist way. I like feeling women with ownership of their lives. It’s hot and sexy. I can say that cuz I’m a girl and you’re not. : P

C: Hahahaha! You’re a hoot, Angela.

A: Awww…thanks, Charming. : )

C: Okay, now I am blushing.

A: You’re cute.

C: Thanks. May I continue?

A: Fine. Go ahead, Christopoopoo.

C: I am never going to live that down. Thanks, Peter.

A: You leave him alone, mister! I love that boy.

C: I do too. So, who do you like most in my life and why?

A: I like all of your SoulFullHeart family! Jillian is real, strong, and pretty. I love Aurora! Wayne is tender and handsome. Marvin is totally funny and cute. Kathleen is resilient and pretty. She is like a sister. Raianna is fun, goofy, and pretty. Everyone has a great heart.

C: Who do you like least in my life and why?

A: Well, currently nobody. I would have to say that before you came here there were members of your family that had overly masculine energy that was controlling and angsty. I did not like being around that. There were tender sides but they were pushed down by this other part.

C: What is your favorite food?

A: Hmmm. Good question. I like soup in the winter. I love the way it makes me feel inside. In the summer, I like crunchy salads. Of course, every girl loves chocolate! Hint, hint. ; )

C: Okay, Angela. We can get some today. What is your favorite music?

A: I like Alanis, Avril, and Kelly. Oh! And Loreena too! I am sure there is more but you don’t have much else on your iPod, goof.

C: Guess we have some music searching to do, eh?

A: I love music.

C: What else do you like?

A: I like art, dancing around, writing stories, and puppies! I also like walking on the beach holding someone’s hand.

C: You are a romantic!

A: Of course I am, knucklehead. I’m a girl!

C: Right. There’s the fire.

A: : )

C: What are you afraid of?

A: I am afraid of never finding true love. I am afraid of being attacked by a man. I am afraid of snakes.

C: That feels very past life.

A: Hmmm…

C: What is your biggest despair over?

A: Not feeling able to express myself or be myself. To be felt for who I am in my essence.

C: What is your biggest desire?

A: To be seen and felt for who I am. A beautiful, passionate, and compassionate being.

C: How do you feel about God?

A: I love the Mother! She is beautiful and amazing. I have bad memories of the Father God. The way others used violence in His name. I feel like I was one of those that was attacked for being different.

C: We can feel into that more.

A: I feel like that would be better for later. I just like doing this with you.

C: Okay. This question is still heavy….how do you feel about dying?

A: Geez! You guys really get to the bone. Um…I am scared of dying in pain. Dying peacefully feels okay. I feel the Mother would be there on the other side. With a plate of chocolates!

C: Of course! When you are feeling bad, how do you cope?

A: I like to write, cry on the couch or bed, sometimes sleep. Ironic, I know.

C: When you are scared, what makes you feel safer?

A: Talking to Mother.

C: What do you do when you feel lonely?

A: Talk to Mother, go for a walk, cry. I like to watch movies too.

C: How do you feel about meeting Jillian and Wayne?

A: I am very excited! I have been wanting to for a while. I feel like I would be a celebrity since they have been waiting for me for a while.

C: They are excited to meet you! As well as Kathleen. You should meet them this weekend.

A: Yay! Can Nathaniel come?

C: Of course he is. He will always be there. He has a relationship with them too.

A: Cool. Well, ironically, I am feeling tired.

C: This was a lot.

A: Talk later, my prince?

C: You bet, Angela. It was a pleasure to get to know you.

A: Awww…yep, he’s a keeper.

C: Lol! Thanks, Angela. As if I was going anywhere.

A: Let that in, mister!

C: I did! Honestly!

A: Good. : )

Recommended Reading:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

30 Days With My Parts: Day 4 – Duty To Serve Part 2

Published on November 16, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

Day 4

Today I will be sharing some journaling that happened after my initial conversation with Nathaniel, my daemon. I complied sections of conversations we had over the course of a week.

Christopher: Good morning, Nathaniel. I was hoping we could talk some more.

Nathaniel: What about?

C: You.

N: What about me?

C: Yesterday you mentioned your loyalty to protecting the feminine. Did you accept this or were you assigned?

N: I was given this role.

C: How do you feel about that?

N: Sometimes you do what you are told.

C: You are not upset?

N: I was not thrilled to leave, but duty is duty.

C: There doesn’t feel like much passion or compassion around duty.

N: What are you trying to get at, Christopher? I am not much for riddles.

C: Okay. I don’t feel your heart, Nathaniel. There is something you are holding that is real and wants to express.

N: I feel angry, Christopher! Is that what you want to hear? I don’t like being here but I am bound.

C: I can feel why you would feel anger, Nathaniel. I am sorry you feel like you have to be here.

N: Thank you. I don’t like feeling angry because then it feels like I am angry with Divine Mother, and I don’t want to be.

C: I am sure she can handle it, Nathaniel. She can because it is real.

N: I have asked many times ‘why this’?

C: Maybe there is something here for you.

N: Maybe. I do feel entitled sometimes. Like I deserve more. I know Mother is humbling me but I haven’t gotten there yet. I feel disconnected from her. I can feel Her here, but I haven’t spoken directly to her.

C: Why do you feel that is?

N: I feel I have been busy on guard.

C: Earlier you said you were angry. Do you feel resentment towards Her?

N: I don’t like to feel anything negative toward Her. I am Her servant, not Her judge.

C: I wasn’t inferring you would judge Her. Just to out what is real for you. You know She loves you. You love Her. She wants you to be real, Nathaniel.

N: I don’t know. I need to be with that. I am feeling this is a good-bye.

C: I know it is hard, Nathaniel. I will honour what you desire. But I really would like to stay….

I feel Mother wanting to say something through me but She wants your permission.

N: Okay.

Divine Mother: My noble and dearest, Nathaniel. I have not left you, my son. You know you have always been with me. I feel we have not communed due to a closing of your heart, my love. I do not judge thee, Nathaniel. I feel how you would be upset with me. I am okay with you telling me so. In truth, I need you too, for it is your heart song, your pain giving birth, Nathaniel.

N: It is hard for me, Mother. There is something blocking me from feeling you. I hear your words in my head but I am not feeling them in my heart. Have I grown so cold and bitter that I have lost my heart?

DM: That is not possible, Nathaniel. You know this. You have spent so long looking out you have just forgotten what it was like to look within.

N: I miss feeling you, Mother.

DM: I miss feeling you, Nathaniel. You are not lost, my son. I sent you here not to be a protector. I sent you here to be a guide like you once were. A guide to help Christopher steward a new heaven on Earth. To do that you need a human heart.

N: Angela

DM: It is time you let her go, Nathaniel.

N: I am afraid something will happen to her.

DM: You are afraid she won’t need you anymore.

N: Yes, Mother.

DM: Have faith and trust again, Nathaniel. Like you once did.

N: I will do my best, Mother.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

C: Good morning, Nathaniel. Is it okay to talk a bit this morning?

N: Yes. It is.

C: Did you feel more into what Mother brought you yesterday?

N: You just jump right in, don’t you?

C: Oh, yeah. I can feel my Simon part. He is very task orientated sometimes. In a rush.

N: I’ll say. I was feeling that Mother is right. I have become so focused on my duty that I neglected my real role here. I guess I never realized I had a role other than guarding. I was taken by your writing last night. About remembering who and what we truly are. As I sit here, I can feel this is not me. This is not my essence. This guarding and protecting. I am more than this. I was more than this.

C: I am honoured you took that in so deeply. I, too, feel your bigness, Nathaniel.

N: Thank you. I realized I am keeping you from yours. I cannot in good conscious do that any longer. I don’t know what part Angela plays in that, but somehow she does.

C: I feel she has a part in yours, too.

N: Hmmmm. You very well could be right, Christopher. I want you to look at me and promise me you will take good care of her.

C: Of course I will, Nathaniel. You will be with us, too, so you won’t be far.

N: I would like that. I release her to you, Christopher. I hope this is not the last we speak.

C: Not a chance, Nathaniel. We need each other, remember?

N: Thank you.

C: No, thank you.

Recommended Reading:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

30 Days With My Parts: Day 3 – Duty To Serve Part I

Published on November 15, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

Day 3

The following are journaling questions one would ask when getting to know their soul protector/guardian part or daemon. I had been invited to feel into a female part of me for some time, but wasn’t getting access to her. I was guided to feel into a part of me that was protecting her. The journaling took several days and this is just a small sampling of what came up in the beginning.

C: Hello, I’d like to speak to my protector part, may I ask you these questions to get to know you?

The Part: You may ask.

C: Are you male or female?

You know I am male

C: What do you look like?

Why don’t you tell me?

C: Okay. I see a dark cloak with a hood. You have a trimmed beard. Your eyes have a white light in them. You have chiseled facial features. You are handsome man with a lot of light behind your eyes.

Not bad.

C: What does the world you live in look and feel like?

Again, you tell me. You want to enhance your intuition and clairvoyance.

C: I do, but I can’t help to feel some arrogance behind your words.

Do you want to connect with me or not?

C: Yes, but I feel you wanting to connect with me too, so I would like a more respectful exchange.

Fair enough. I admit I have my judgments about humans. You are different. I feel that and I apologize. Know that I do not say that lightly or easily.

C: Thank you. I took it the way you meant it. Now I will try my hand at what I see.

Stage is yours.

C: I see a forest. It looks misty and feels cold but not freezing. I see a fire. You are alone. In the distance, amongst the trees, I see a glass box with a young woman inside. That’s Angela, isn’t it?

Yes, it is. But we are not talking about her today. We are talking about me.

C: Right. How old are you?

I don’t know.

C: What part of my body do you relate to?

Your eyes.

C: Do you have a weapon and what does it look like? Nevermind. I will tell you. It is a long bladed sword with an intricate design on the handle. You use it to guard but not kill.

Next question.

C: In what situations do you use this weapon?

I have used it to cut through appearances to feel ones true intent. Looking for the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

C: What is your job and mission?

My duty is to protect the part you call Angela and serve the Divine Mother.

C: What do you primarily protect her from?

From uncaring humans whose only purpose is to take her innocence and youth. This world you live in is full of wolves in sheep’s clothing. They stop at nothing to steal that which they do not possess. The masculine energies in your world demand to control it because they are afraid of it.

C: In what ways do you protect her?

By keeping an eye out for danger, using my sword to sense danger.

C: What does loyalty mean to you and why is it important (if it is)?

I am a servant of the Divine Mother. Angela represents your inner feminine. I have promised to always guard and protect any expression of Her. Loyalty is important because without it I let my guard down. If that happens she can be attacked.

C: How old was she when you began protecting her and why?

She was young. I do not know how old. I began to protect her when the people in your life felt unsafe to be around. The angry part of your father, the drowning part of your mother, and all those cast of characters in your youth that made her feel scared. I couldn’t take it anymore so I took her here and made this glass container.

C: What are you concerned will happen if I get to know you?

I am afraid you will get my defenses down and she will be unguarded. I am afraid I will neglect my duties.

C: What are you afraid will happen if you do?

That Angela will be attacked and I will let Mother down.

C: Do you feel you can trust me to protect Angela?

I feel I might, but it would take some convincing.

C: I am up for that if you are.

We’ll see.

C: Thank you for talking with me, protector part. I’d like to speak with you again sometime.

Is there a name that I can call you?

You can call me Nathaniel.

Recommended Reading:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show: