Tag: change and transformation

When Lightning Strikes Your Tree: Healing Through Rapid Changes

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

treestruckbylightening

By Kathleen Calder

There’s no perfect way to deal with a personal crisis. Just as there’s no perfect path to “enlightenment” or to the life you’ve always dreamed of.

I’ve had a number of personal crises in the past few months. My most significant romance in my life so far coming to an abrupt end; finally mourning all that I have left behind in all of my dashes toward a new life; realizing that I now have to “go back into life” after being so beautifully immersed in this way of life we call SoulFullHeart, for the past 6 months or so. This last one has been the hardest pill to swallow for my parts and my Daemon. The romance was a part of this immersion. Its completion was a part of my waking up to the necessity of this change, at least for this next phase of my life. By “immersion” I do not mean that I was sequestered or actually feeling totally separate from the world in any way. That’s why we call SoulFullHeart a “way of life” instead of simply a “process”. I was living with a mate who is also involved in SoulFullHeart and socializing almost exclusively with others engaged with SoulFullHeart during this time. It wasn’t that I didn’t want anyone else to be in my life, but I felt it necessary to cut the cords of old relationships that aren’t in line with the personal healing I need and the new view of life and relationships that I need to explore.

I turned 26 this past Tuesday. I’ve been “spiritual” for about as long as I can remember and have constantly looked for the next stage of my evolution. Now I finally have to do what I expected I would have to for a while now – get down off the mountain and give myself permission to be 26. While embodying all that I am and all I have learned, with the support of my beloved SoulFullHeart family and the Divine Mother, I must start stepping back into the world. I don’t expect to have to face poverty like I had to before, nor the disconnected relationships of every kind. I have much stronger boundaries now. They will be tested. I’m finding the most challenging part of this is to not hyper-track my fusions and parts. This is crazy-making, as I’ve noticed lately. It feels like my Daemon, Itsan, is both worried and fairly confident about these next steps for me to take. Daring to be in my bigness in a world and demographic that can be unforgiving. Of course he wants to me to track my trailing-edge as much as possible so that I don’t repeat the same “mistakes” over again. Chances are that some of them will be repeated, but at least I have a more centered “me” that can handle them differently… maybe even better than before.

Lightning struck my tree, but I’m healing the trauma that my parts experienced because of that. I’m finally learning how to really land in my process with them and have them land with me outside of sessions and group. Not that I hadn’t been working on this all along, but now that the stakes are much higher, it makes it both easier and harder to do this. This is one of the greatest gifts that has come out of these crises. Another one is that my vulnerability has helped me to surrender and lean into the Divine Mother more, closing the gap that my parts were feeling between us and her. The feeling of journalling with Her, being held by Her…I couldn’t do this without Her claiming me and me claiming my connection with Her. I feel like weeping when I feel this. When Itsan feels this. He is so happy to be helping me make this connection for it also helps him. It gives him more confidence in his ability to partner with me during all that is happening and all that is to come.

I feel my connection to past lives in the resiliency that I am displaying now. My soul has been through hell, over and over again. In some ways, this is nothing compared to what I have been through before. I also realize that half the world is in awful torment on a daily basis. I read about it on the news and I feel it in the air. This makes what I’m going through feel even more survivable and I draw strength from that as well, keeping in the mind that I also want to help the world somehow. Right now though, it feels that there is something to the personal healing I’m doing now that may actually help heal something on a broader scale. At the very least, I know that healing the world begins at home, within me, and I feel that the world cannot change without personal healing coming first.

I hope that when lightning strikes your own tree that you find your way as well — Whatever path you are on, whatever road you take.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life

The Living Unknown

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

roadunknown

By Christian Tydeman

As I ended my last blog entry months ago, I was driving away with a new sense of vitality and direction.  I had made a leap of faith.  Well, things did not turn out as “planned”.  While there was awareness that anything could change, a part of me assumed that it would be a while if it did.  How quickly life can change when you are living the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. 

As I settled into my new surroundings, parts of me were still a bit traumatized by the sudden transition.  I could not quite feel grounded in my new “home”.  This took a toll on my relationship, as I just could not “show up” the way she desired and deserved.  There were other factors on both of our sides, but I choose not to elaborate on them here.  Eventually, we completed our time together and were both led to the “unknown”.  What now?

A part of me thought about leaving and starting a new life somewhere else.  Actually, he still does.  I felt it would be running away and denying all that I had come to realize about why I was here in the first place.  I was here to get to know myself without the distractions of my old life.  Here, I am “unknown”.  I was used to responding to the needs and passions of others.  Now, I am responding to my needs and my desires.  They are very small in the moment, but it is a start.

While all this happening, I have a part that is very anxious of the future.  He has been so used to planning and strategizing a path to knowingness.  To “know” builds a sense of security even though there really is no such thing.  It is a perception, an illusion of safety that helps him to feel comforted.  This is what most of us tend to do with our lives.  Build a construct, a castle if you will, so that parts of us can be okay with our existential fear of not knowing a damn thing.  It is a scary place, and I don’t blame them for doing so.  However, the castle is made of sand, and eventually will get swept away, this life or the next.

Do I have any clue what happens next?  Not really.  I have some thoughts and feelings.  While the open road is full of possibility and adventure, it is also lonely and scary.  But I feel this is what I signed up for.  To be living in the unknown.  I can have a general desire for my future, but it is just a marker, a place to drive and see what happens.  I can spend my time worrying about what “may” lie ahead.  I can spend my time trying to “figure out” how I got here.  Or I can be in this moment, feeling all that I am feeling, and making small steps into The Living Unknown.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life

Love In A Time Of Change

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder

By Jillian Vriend

The seagulls ride air currents, swirling and curling like waves above the sparkling water. Their piercing cries invite me to pay attention, to watch them, to take in their messages offering bridging between water and land. Waves roll in and out, landing mostly softly on the shore, tumbling granite into small speckled stones. The beach stretches out in both directions, empty and still on this rare sunny morning in May. My dog Koda is leaning against me, his heart chakra pressed against my left hand- both giving and receiving love. I sit on secret beach in Gibsons, BC, feeling that I am here. I am where I am meant to be.  I am home.

I am praying in a light way, my thoughts and dialogue with Mother drifting in and out without a clear direction. I express my gratitude to Her for the guidance I received from Her almost a year ago, “Go be near water. To offer this work, you need to be held by water.” I first heard this message while I was sitting on a beach on Gabriola Island, an island a 20 minute ferry ride from Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. My husband Wayne and I spent half of our time on Gabriola Island last year, living in a cottage near the water. SoulFullHeart was born during these visits and we drew the first people to this way of life once we could breathe and be near the water and away from the busy grids of the city.

We stopped renting the cottage in September as we felt Gabriola was too remote and small for us and I received further guidance to explore the Sunshine Coast and specifically the town of Gibsons. The Sunshine Coast is not an island, yet it feels like one because even though it is the same land mass as Vancouver, it is not accessible by car, only by ferry. A 40 minute ferry ride from West Vancouver, Gibsons is a small town with an artistic and environmentally conscious community. The moment we came here it felt like our geographic ‘home.’ We began to bake on our desires to move here back then, feeling that we wanted to stay in North Vancouver until our daughter graduated from high school. Our fellow SoulFullHeart Way of Life members and friends, Christian and Kathleen, actually moved to Gibsons first in March together, allowing us to visit here frequently and fall even more in love with the setting and the breathing space it offered. In a matter of hours after putting our desires out there, Wayne and I drew a new home that has organic garden beds, guest rooms, a large room to host SoulFullHeart groups, is walkable to beaches, and has a view of the ocean.

Our focus over this last year while still living in North Vancouver had been to develop and deepen SoulFullHeart as a way of life and soon a non-profit society. We offered SoulFullHeart through free introduction meetings in North Vancouver and in Squamish. We also appeared on the Conscious Living Radio show twice at the beginning of the year to talk about SoulFullHeart and introduce it to the conscious community there. We are open to drawing those in the Vancouver area, yet, we feel that we would invite them to come to a monthly group here in Gibsons, as we feel the air, sunshine, and water are deeply healing and support their process.

The last month has been full with actualizing our desires and dreams to live on the Sunshine Coast into reality. Many times I could feel parts of me reacting to a change or transition or difficult decision to be made, especially around establishing my daughter on her own in North Vancouver. I could feel a young matriarch part of me having a difficult time letting go of our space, especially her domain in the kitchen, and tensions and anxieties coming from difficult experiences living with others in the past. I experienced a significant cold for the first time in three years and spent a week being with myself, resting, and letting in the changes to come.

Yet, I repeatedly received during this time this message from the Mother, “Want what you want. And let go of how it will come to be.” I feel this is an important message about how to hold our deepest soul and heart desires. She invited me to feel them deeply, no matter how difficult or impossible they seemed, and, at the same time, let go of how they would specifically manifest. Letting go in this way opened me up more to others’ alchemy, Wayne’s leadership, and resource exchanges with others, inviting us into a new economy not based just on money but exchange of value. We are currently staying at a beautiful property in Gibsons for a couple of weeks until our new home is available in exchange for doing painting and other jobs around the property. People here seem more open to exchange and trades in this way wanting to ‘leave the government out of it.’ We are all excited to feel and see how SoulFullHeart may plant and grow in this kind of alternative and conscious soil.

My experience of this process of moving to a new geography over the last year validates my experience that change is a natural process that invites us into our own growth and deepening connection with ourselves, others, and the Divine. If we can hold and feel our relationship to change and be with parts of ourselves which are anxious, concerned, and afraid of it, we can draw to and manifest our deepest desires and dreams. But only if we are open to giving up our attachment to the things, people, careers, medications, etc. which don’t support our most authentic self, numb our feelings, and block the realization of these dreams. We’ve had to say ‘no’ many times over the last year to things which wouldn’t fulfill our desires, but what we were always saying ‘yes’ to was the realization of our dreams and a deeper experience of love.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  

The Cliff: A Journey Of Love, Faith, And Courage

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cliff1

By Sequoia Heartman

The line upon which I stood was clear in relation to the expansive depth. A part of me just saw an endless void. My daemon knew better. What is to fear when you have wings? As the rocks began to crumble under the weight of my heavy heart and a mirror placed in front of me by my mate, a decision had to be made. Do I continue to placate the fear that a part of me has always succumbed to or do I lay claim to my arising authentic self? When you feel your true desire in relation to what has been constructed for the sake of safety and predictability, there really is no choice but the one that honours life and love. In the words of Carl Jung, “If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.”

So, I did. I resigned from a 12-year teaching career. In the middle of a school year. Who does that? Not many. The part of me that had built this cardboard kingdom, Chris, was terrified not just of the financial impact, but also the perception of others and how they would respond to me.

“What are you thinking?” asks Chris.

“I’m not thinking actually. I’m feeling,” I say back to him. This would be my response to those who asked me the same question.

“I hope you know what you are doing,” he retorts back.

“Well, I may not know exactly what I am ‘doing,’ but I know what I am being. Honest with my heart, true to myself, and in surrender to the Divine presence in my life. I am following Love.” He wasn’t really convinced and had moments of kicking at me. I had set fire to his kingdom, why shouldn’t he be upset? However, there was no more negotiating on the same ground he has been walking on for years. Time to negotiate on new ground. With my authentic self in the driver’s seat, he has become my adviser to all things practical. And, dammit, if he isn’t good at it.

My decision sent shock waves through my whole school community. To many, it was a breath of fresh air. Something that a part of them wishes they could do. It was inspirational without having to risk anything. These parts could live vicariously through me, dream for a bit, and then ultimately go back to work. For others, it was a reaffirmation of their passion and dedication to a career they felt they were destined for. And some just completely disagreed with me. A part of them needed to protest in order to feel better about their own decision to stay stuck. These “unusual” decisions shake the foundations of the false self and cause a myriad of reactions. But, above all, these actions question the reality that the false self has created in defense of our authentic being.

The days that followed were surreal. Half in, half out. Telling my students was the hardest part. How to let them know the person they spend most of their days with would no longer be there to welcome them at the door. “Lead with your heart and the rest will follow,” said the Divine Mother. So, I did. In a circle of love, I told them of my decision to follow my heart. With their mouths agape in shock, I encouraged them to express all they were feeling or would eventually feel, whether it was sadness, anger, or maybe even joy. It was important they knew it was all real and all right for them to feel, whatever their reactions were.

Most of what I received from them was sadness that I would be gone, but also happiness that they got to be in my classroom while they did. To leave these cherubs was the hardest part of all. It made me realize that children hold a special place in my heart, just not in the role of classroom teacher. They are all Mother’s children, and when you feel their hearts, it is easier to feel their purity and goodness.

As for the staff, I was gifted with heartfelt reflections and support. These people had become my second family in dedication to our students and in genuine friendship. Another difficult piece to let in and let go of. So much love that I had had to let it in in stages. Pictures of the past 12 years flooded my mind and made their way to my heart as tears of joy, sadness, frustration, love, and fear fell and broke the dam wide open. These were not your ordinary co-workers. They were brothers and sisters to a part of me. They will be dearly missed.

So, now what? Well, I am letting my heart lead. A new kingdom takes time to rebuild. It takes faith and courage. I have both, I just  need my parts to trust me and my Daemon. The only way that happens is to feel them when they need to be felt. For my Chris part, this will be a daily dialogue. He needs to know that he is part of this new kingdom, even if his old one didn’t stand. As for my Erick part, he is ready to run with the bulls in Barcelona. I clearly will have to negotiate THAT one. My young Christopher just wants to have some fun and not be so serious. They all have different needs and desires. It is my role as my SFH self to show up for all of them.

The cliff is behind me and I have landed on the other side. The road is wide and infinite. Anything is possible. I have a new life with a new love. This time, I am in the driver’s seat and I’m not letting go of the wheel.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more articles and information.