Tag: change and transformation

30 Days With My Parts: Day 27 – Serving the Servant

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

cflyer2

We co-create this reality together, my love.  I need you as much as you need me.  I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel.  I long and ache to be felt just as you do.  I have needs and desires, as well.  If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul.

Day 27

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.  I feel to connect with you since I am not having any major pull to a specific part of me.

Mother:  I always enjoy being with you, Christopher.  How may I serve you?

C: Uh…wow.  To Nathaniel that sounds weird.  He is used to serving you.

M:  Ah, yes.  The Daemon Trap.

C:  The what?

M:  The Daemon Trap.  I feel that daemons have been so conditioned to being servants through the world’s religions that any thought of the opposite is blasphemy.  How can the Divine possibly serve the ones that are the servants?

C:  He says, that doesn’t make sense.

M:  My dear, Nathaniel.  We co-create this reality together, my love.  I need you as much as you need me.  I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel.  I long and ache to be felt just as you do.  I have needs and desires, as well.  If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul.  I want to serve you and Christopher in any way I can to make that happen.

Nathaniel:  I can feel how over the lifetimes, I have been convinced and persecuted to believe that humans are below you.  That they are meant to carry out your Will in your name.

M:  What is my Will, Nathaniel?

N:  To Love and be loved.

M:  Was that the will of their god?

N:  No.  It was to judge and make sacrifices.  To follow the Word without question.  To be in subordination.

M:  So that is the trap, Nathaniel.  A false god trap.  I do not blame you for succumbing to it.  So much pain and fear in resisting.  In fact, it may all be a part of the process.

N:  And why is that?

M:  This Grand Experience is rooted in getting to feel itself completely, in all its glory and terror.  To separate in order to come back together with more love than before.  It doesn’t make sense to the Mind, Nathaniel, but when we get to feel each other in our pain, we can feel each other in our love.  It is an eternal paradox.  Just like the servant being served.

N:  I think I get it.  I still need time to feel you as serving me and Christopher rather than the other way around.

M:  We serve each other equally.  We are one and and the same, Nathaniel.  That will be felt as you experience me more.  For now, let me serve you and Christopher in any way I can.  It is the Will of My Heart.

N:  Yes, Mother.

M:  So?  How may I serve you?

N:  I am feeling a little lost in my purpose.  I want to feel a call, a passion pursuit.  I miss that.  I feel I used to have it then it got buried.

M:  I feel your desire for that, Nathaniel.  You have great passion for rising up against the false system.  However, I want you to remember you are a daemon sent to provide guidance.  You were meant to serve Christopher through my Love.  Not serve me through Christopher’s soul.

N:  Whoa.  You have me hanging upside down right now.

M:  Good.  How does it feel?

N:  Strange.  As soon as you said that I could feel how that was so true in the past.  I took over seeing the inequities and injustices throughout the world.  I wanted to do something about it.  I feel I hijacked this soul.

M:  I feel “hijacked” is a charged term.  You did what you felt was necessary to right what you felt were wrongs.  This was another part of the Daemon Trap.  Getting so involved that you forgot your place in the Grand Experience.  This too felt a necessary part of the separation and integration process I mentioned earlier.  This has been done by many daemons all over the planet.  Getting caught up in justice, power, glory, inequity, greed, so and so on.

N:  I feel relieved I am not the only one.

M:  Your fusion was for the compassion of those in need and suffering.  There are other daemons in need and suffering.  You can be a part of that healing, Nathaniel, but you need to heal yourself first.  I feel a responsibility in you to make it “right”.  You can’t do that on your own as we discussed before.

N:  Thank you, Mother.  I do feel a rumble and I want to use that to help Christopher with his purpose.  I feel how my healing helps with this.  Having you reframe my relationship to this soul was a big step for me.  Thank you.

M:  You are very welcome, my son.  I can’t feel you if you can’t feel you.  And my Will is to feel all my children with me in every moment.

N:  And my will is to feel you as much as possible, Mother.

M:  Then it shall be so.

N:  Amen.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 26 – Healing Into Loving Conflict

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cflyer2

That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

Day 26-

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  Since I am exploring a relationship again, I wanted to talk about vulnerability and conflict, as those were difficult to access the last time we were in one.

S:  Don’t you have to go Christmas shopping?

C:  Simon…

S:  Clean the RV?

C:  > : {

S:  Clip your toenails?

C:  Simon!

S:  Ugh!  I know.  We are in conflict right now.

C:  Why is that?

S:  I am avoiding the discussion.  Sorry.  I feel how this is important for us to have even though I feel like I have been here many times.

C:  Why do you feel it is important?

S:  Because conflict is important to our growth, especially me.  It has been a lifelong struggle.  Maybe even these past lives you talk about.

C:  What is the struggle about?

S:  Being vulnerable with a feeling and then either hurting someone’s heart or getting a defensive kick back.  One leaves me feeling guilty, the other hurt.

C:  Tell me more.

S:   I can feel how my templating for conflict was unhealthy.  My parents fought and left me feeling unsafe.  I didn’t like how it felt in my body.  It stayed there because they never really talked to me about it or it was never resolved between them.

C:  So you learned how to diffuse conflict so you didn’t have to reactivate that feeling inside.

S:  I guess so.

C:  This wounding feels like Peter to me.  Do you feel you are protecting him?

S:  Hmmm, I suppose so.  I feel how that is true.

C:  Peter?  Would you like to talk to me for a bit?

Peter:  I guess.  What about?

C:  Your mommy and daddy when you were a boy.

P:  What about them, Christopher?

C:  How did you feel when they fought?

P:  Scared.  They scared me, Christopher.  They yelled and broke things sometimes.  I just put my head under the pillow.

C:   I am so sorry, Peter.  You didn’t get any comfort from them afterward, did you?

P:   I don’t remember, Christopher.  I just remember being scared.

C:   When I get in a conflict how do you feel?

P:  I get scared again.  Like bad things gonna happen.  I just remember what I felt like and I don’t like it.

C:  Do I feel different from your mommy and daddy?

P:  Yeah.

C:  Do you trust that I would talk to you about it afterward?

P:  I think so.

C:  I pinkie swear that I will talk with you about whatever happens so you feel better about it okay, Peter?

P:  Okay.  I believe you, Christopoopoo.

C:  Good.  That makes me happy, Peter.  I will take care of you my little magical man.

P:  I’m not a man, silly.  Geez.  You need your glasses fixed.

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, Peter.  I love you.

P:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.  Hehehehe!

C:  : )  You still with me, Simon?

S:  Yep.

C:  So I feel like this will be good to help you let go of a responsibility to care take Peter.

S:  I do too.

C:  I want to focus on the image of conflict, seeing how you are my self-image part.

S:  Okay.  I feel like in a conflict I am afraid of becoming like my father.  Explosive.  I can feel how that would scare Peter.  Then that explosiveness would scare and hurt the other and that reminds me of my mother.

C:  So there is a lot going on here in the trauma in both you and Peter.  Do you feel that I would get explosive and hurtful?

S:  No, not in the way my father did.  I feel how I still hold a lot of anger toward both of them in the way they held themselves in conflict.  There is just no healthy template.

C:  What about Wayne and Jillian?

S:  Yeah.  That was good to be a part of.  I could still feel some Peter fear that I was holding onto that was coming from a mom and dad projection.  But feeling how Wayne still held love in his heart and Jillian not crumbling helped to feel how it can be different from my past experience.

C:  Yes.  That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

S:  I’ll say.  I never felt the love in conflict before.

C:  No you haven’t.  At least not until Jillian and Wayne.  It’s is going to mean you leaning into me, Simon, and trusting I can handle it.  I can feel how you are eager to heal that fear so you can be more relational, less hidden.

S:  Yeah.  I do feel tired of sticking my head in the sand.

C:  I feel like we just scratched the surface on this.  I would like to continue this later with you.  I want to spend time with Kathleen.  Is that okay with you?

S:  Yeah.  I would like to get into this more as well.

C:  Really?  Don’t you have some budgeting to do?

S:  Christopher….

C:  Dishes to wash?

S:  > : {

C:  Errands to run?

S:  Wise ass.

C:  Love you…

S:  : /  Love you, too…

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 25 – Practically Sacred

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

cflyer2

We are discussing a pretty typical experience that people have on a daily basis, but we are feeling it, digesting it, reflecting on it, learning from it.  Who does that when buying a vehicle?  It is usually filled with anxiety, stress, control, frustration, reservation, annoyance, and a plethora of other unfelt emotions that just get repressed and gets lodged into the emotional body.

Day 25

Christopher:  Good morning, everyone.  I am not sure who to begin with today.  A big day yesterday with the purchase of an RV.  Any reactions?

Angela:  I like it, but it totally needs to be clean.  It’s a little gross in areas.

C:  Yeah, it does need cleaning for sure.  Kathleen is excited to begin.

A:  So glad she is going to put a woman’s touch in it.

C:  You can advocate for your needs too, Angela.  You are not the only woman in the house.

A:  Awww…thank you, Christopher.  I was hoping you would say that.

C:  I have been meaning to talk to you about how you are feeling about me and Kathleen.

A:  I love it, Christopher.  I feels good to have sister-type around.

C:  I can feel that.  It is important to me that we have our time too, Angela.  We really just started to get to know each other.

A:  Yeah, I would like to keep talking with you.  And Simon.  You both mean so much to me.

C:  You mean a ton to me, Angela.  I will be looking to you for a woman’s perspective and advice.

A:  Really?  I would like that.  : )

C:  Any advice to give me now?

A:  I guess it would be to be honest with her.  No hiding this time.  She is stronger than a part of you thought she was at one point.

C:  Yes.   I am aware of that now.

A:  Also, a woman likes it when you stand your ground for what you feel in your heart even if it is not what they are feeling is true for them in the moment.

C:  That is the part I had struggled with.  So easy for a part of me to capitulate to the mom projection.

A:  You are a man now, Christopher.  A man with a huge heart and a growing spine.  Use ‘em both.

C:  Okay, Angela.  You are going to be a big part of my new life.  I can tell.

A:  I would like that, Christopher.

C:  I felt your leading edge just now.  We also have a trailing edge and I can feel yours around men in past lives.

A:  Yeah.  I would like to speak to Jillian and Kathleen about those and not talk about them here.

C:  I understand.  To be felt by another woman or women feels crucial.

A:  Thanks for understanding, Christopher.

C:  Of course, Angela.  Anything else you wanted to talk about?

A:  No not really.  I want to dance again with you.  That was fun.

C:  Yes, it was.  Simon was a little embarrassed but I could feel him get into it.

A:  Totally.  He liked it despite himself.  I’ll work on him.  ; )

C:  Lol!  I know you will.  I feel I am going to check in with him, too, this morning.

A:  Okay.  Thanks for talking with me.

C:  Thank you for your heart, Angela.  I am so honoured that you are a part of me.

A:  Swoon!

C:  Love you, Angela.

A:  I love you too, my king.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.  How are you feeling about yesterday?

Simon:  I’m okay.  Glad we made it home without getting pulled over for the headlights.

C:  Yeah.  I could feel that stress in you.

S:  I appreciate you holding that and feeling me in it as you were driving.

C:  You are welcome, Simon.  These little details can create bigger problems, but nothing that we can’t deal with as they arise.

S:  I like feeling it that way.  I REALLY appreciated Wayne being there yesterday too. Wow.  I feel a little guilty saying that as if I couldn’t have trusted you to handle the details.

C:  I understand why you are so grateful.  While I we certainly could have dealt with all that ourselves, there is a comfort in having someone else to bounce ideas off of, and just have around as emotional support.

S:  Yeah.  I felt so much more at ease having both Wayne and Kathleen there.  It felt good to feel Kathleen in her vision of the inside amidst all the crap inside.  That was pretty cool she could do that.

C:  It felt important for all of us to be in agreement in our hearts.  I just got how SoulFullHeart is so unique in that every experience we have, whether spiritual or practical, are all sacred and calls us to feel ourselves in every moment, not just when we journal or have a session.

S:  You just now got that?

C:  Well, no.  I guess it just landed a little deeper as I am typing this out.  We are discussing a pretty typical experience that people have on a daily basis, but we are feeling it, digesting it, reflecting on it, learning from it.  Who does that when buying a vehicle?  It is usually filled with anxiety, stress, control, frustration, reservation, annoyance, and a plethora of other unfelt emotions that just get repressed and gets lodged into the emotional body.

S:  Are you still talking to me?

C:  I thought I was.  You didn’t have that experience?

S:  I guess I wasn’t conscious of it.  I was too busy stressing.  However, now that you are talking about it, it was different for me.  I could feel stress but that stress was being held and outed by you and therefore gave it air.  That helped me to relax which made the day go by without that pent up energy I usually get.  So, yeah, as a part I get what you are saying.  That is totally cool.

C:  I’m glad you felt that.

S:  Me too.  Is this journal worth publishing?  It doesn’t feel deep enough.

C:  They are all worth publishing, Simon.  They all have worth to me and you and that is priceless.  I don’t need anyone to “like” it.  I do.  Our SoulFullHeart family does  If it goes into someone else then that is awesome, but not required.

S:  Okay.  Good enough for me.  I guess that is still an old image thing.  Letting it go.

C:  I like it.

S:  Me too.

C:  Let’s go get something to eat, shall we?

S:  Starving.

C:  Actually, we’re thriving with love.

S:  That’s a whole new blog, let’s eat.

C:  Fair enough.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 24 – Coming Out Is Going In

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

cflyer2

Day 24

There have been lives where I have tried to bring the divine feminine into the church and was ridiculed and excommunicated for it.  I have also experienced the other side, in being persecuted for just being female.  The “old ways” were a threat to the ruling church order.  I can feel other lifetimes of going against the grain that ended in pain.   I feel I succumbed to the adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

Christopher:  Good morning, Nathaniel.  After Jillian’s blog yesterday, I realized we haven’t spoken in a while.  Are you up for it?

Nathaniel:  Yes, I would.  Been a little lonely lately.

C:  I am sorry, Nathaniel.  So many changes happening lately.

N:  Yes, there are.  A new romance.  It feels good to feel your heart in that space.  You have much love for her.

C:  Thanks, Nathaniel.  That feels good to hear that from you. Yes, I do.

N:  It is good to feel someone with a daemon as well.  Your past relationships did not have that consciousness.

C:  No, they didn’t.  I was not conscious myself.  Even when we did first connect, a part of me wasn’t permitting me to embody the reality of you.  Now that is far from the case.

N:  I can feel how I may have been partly the cause of the lack of permission.  I can feel the desire of wanting to stay off the radar.  Incognito, as Wayne and Yeshua put it.

C:  I know we have been through a bit of the reasons together, but would you mind sharing with the readers.  This would be the opposite of incognito.

N:  I feel like I would, Christopher.  I would like to have a purpose other than guarding, as I mentioned in another conversation.  Talking about myself may help others like me realize they are not alone.

C:  That would be incredible, Nathaniel.

N:  There have been lives where I have tried to bring the divine feminine into the church and was ridiculed and excommunicated for it.  I have also experienced the other side, in being persecuted for just being female.  The “old ways” were a threat to the ruling church order.  I can feel other lifetimes of going against the grain that ended in pain.   I feel I succumbed to the adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

C:  Incoginito.

N:  Yeah.  Stay hidden.  Protect the feminine.  Which really turned into care-take the feminine.

C:  What do you want this life, Nathaniel?

N:  I know I do not want to stay hidden any longer.  I want to feel my connection to the Divine again. I used to want to go back home, but now that you are among other daemons, I feel more at home.  I don’t know if I want to project myself out to the world at this moment, that feels a bit vulnerable, but I guess that is what I am doing now.

C:  I feel what you mean, Nathaniel.

N:  I want to help in some way, Christopher.  I know I mentioned having gifts and I would like to harness again.  I feel I put them to the side, fearing their use would bring me, and you, more pain.

C:  You may need some healing from the past to help that along.

N:  Yes.  I believe I do.  I feel myself waning, Christopher.  The thought of coming out more makes me nervous and I tend to go back into hiding.

C:  I can feel that in my body right now.  There is a push-pull in you.  Desire and retraction which creates flatness.  You said you wanted more connection with the Divine.  Let’s talk to Mother.

N:  Yes.  I would like that.

Mother:  Hello, my beloved Nathaniel.  Your heart feels closed.  May I sit with you?

N:  Of course, Mother.

M:  Just sit quietly with me and feel my heart with yours.

N:  Yes, Mother.

……..(here, I play Ava Maria)

N:  So much pain, Mother.  I miss you so much.  All those years of being hated for loving you.  I am sorry I went into hiding.  I feel I failed you.

M:  You have NEVER failed me, my son.  You have always been true to me.  I do not blame you for needing to hide after all you have been through, Nathaniel.

N:  You forgive me, Mother?

M:  There is no forgiveness needed, Nathaniel.  That is old church dogma to keep you small.  You are always in a state of Grace, no forgiveness necessary.  My love does not require anything but your love.

N:  I love you, Mother.  So much.

M:  I feel that in your tears and your pain, Nathaniel.  That pain you feel is my love entering you and bringing it up to be felt.  I want you to feel again, Nathaniel.

N:  I do too, Mother.  I want to feel you again like I used to.

M:  Then it shall be so.  Just ask Nathaniel and we can feel each other.  I have tears for you as well, Nathaniel, as I miss you as much as you miss me.

N:  That is hard for me to let in sometimes.

M:  I will keep reminding you.

N:  Thank you so much, Mother.

M:  I thank you, my beautiful son.  For your courage to come out of hiding, one felt step at a time.

N:  Thank you, Christopher, for feeling what I needed.  The music was a stroke of genius.

C:  Oh, Nathaniel.  You are so very welcome.  Sometimes I need a way in too.  Soon the music will just be a part of our heart and it will open without help.  Until then, we both need it.

N:  I feel ready for the day.

C:  Me too!  A dose of Mother Love is better than coffee any day.

N:  Amen.

C:  I love you, Nathaniel.

N:  And I love you too, Christopher.  So much.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 23 – Presence of Heart

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

cflyer2

Day 23

Being in presence is an experience that is outside the mind.  When the mind takes its rightful place, you are free to be in flow of your essence.  There is no positioning or postulating.  That is the false self doing mind work that is grounded in personal wounding and social conditioning.  When that is healed, you begin to feel your way in each moment.  Then you are on sacred ground.

Christopher:  Good morning, Mother.

Mother:  Good morning, my beloved son.  How are you this sacred moment?

C:  That is a beautiful way of putting it…’this sacred moment’.

M:  One day you will experience how all moments are sacred, this one in particular.

C:  Feels like that is getting back to being in the presence of presence in the present.

M:  A little philosophical, don’t you feel?

C:  Yeah.  Not very heart-based.  Trying to be fancy.

M:  There is truth in what you say, but it is only real when you feel it.  Do you feel the presence of presence in the present?

C:  I don’t know.  If I did, I guess I would know.  Or maybe I wouldn’t.  I am confused now.

M:  That means you are not trying too hard to ‘figure’ it out.  Being in presence is an experience that is outside the mind.  When the mind takes its rightful place, you are free to be in flow of your essence.  There is no positioning or postulating.  That is the false self doing mind work that is grounded in personal wounding and social conditioning.  When that is healed, you begin to feel your way in each moment.  Then you are on sacred ground.

C:  Not a lot of that in the city.  I could feel my heart in the beginning and then as time goes on it is hard to maintain that being surrounded by the matrix of mind that is a city.

M:  That is not easy when you are in the process of deconstructing the false self which is used to the mind matrix.  You begin to ‘forget’ who you are.

C:  Yeah, totally.  Well, I didn’t forget as much as I could feel an energetic reaction.  I am glad Kathleen is getting herself out of that.

M:  As am I, Christopher.  I wish everyone had the emotional consciousness to ‘get out’.  And by that I don’t mean physically.  I mean emotionally.  That may require leaving physically at some point, but just to get out of the trap they find themselves in.  A self imposed exile of the heart.  I can feel those that are trying to help in a big city, but they are not helping themselves and therefore just adding to the paintrix.

C:  Wow!  That is a good one, Mother.  The Paintrix.  I mean, in terms of words.  Not good in regards to the emotion of it.

M:  I know what you meant.  It is sad, but true.  The Paintrix of Mind can only be healed from the inside of each individual heart and that is a sovereign choice.  One can try and help others to feel and heal, but only when it is a choice made by the soul itself.   You must heal your heart in an environment that is conducive to healing.

C:  …and get back to Presence of Heart.

M:  Yes.

C:  Thank you for that Mother.  I really want to feel more Presence of Heart.  This weaves in perfectly with where I originally wanted to go.

M:  I took you off course again?  Hmmm…

C:  Lol!  Yeah.  I am getting used to that.  You asked me how I was and that reminded me of an exchange I had with a Tibetan shop keeper around how in this North American culture we ask that question without really feeling it.  And then that took me to how that is a symptom of our lack of relationality, and then I felt my own lack in that.

M:  Okay.  So how does that weave in with what we started about?

C:  I feel like with presence of heart comes relationality.  When someone asks how I am, I feel like just telling them the truth and see what happens, rather than “fine thanks, and you?”.  It is more relational.  They may not care, but at least I am not continuing the cycle of blah, blah, blah.

M:  Sounds like a good practice to me.  A part of you may have a reaction to that, so I would negotiate with him.

C:  Feels like Simon has a hard time being relational.  I can feel him wanting to try and be relational but it feels forced and managed.  When among people the perception management kicks in and I fall into usual phrases.  This a place for me to lead and feel Simon.

M:  Being in the presence of heart will help you to lead that.  Ask yourself what you are feeling every so often to practice this.  Just be aware of yourself around others and journal with Simon about anything that triggers him.  The more that you can be relational, the more that others can receive your true heart and love.  And that is no small thing, my dear Christopher and Simon.  Others need it, desire it, and long for it.  As do you.

C:  Thank you, Mother.  I am letting that in.  Time to go be relational.

M:  I will be with you my beloved son.

C:   : )

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 22 – Sacred Union of Romance and Purpose

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cflyer2

Day 22

I can feel how there is this compartment inside me that puts love in one box and soul purpose in another.  Like they haven’t been compatible before.  So my daemon is trying to remind me that along with love there is also something pressing my soul to feel on a global level.  They both can be compatible.

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.

Mother:  Blessings, Christopher.  I feel the world in your heart in this moment.

C:  Yes, it is.  Since my existential exchange with Simon, I was drawn back to reading The Hope by Andrew Harvey.  I opened to his description of the Dark Night of the Soul, both individually and collectively.  This led me to a part about the state of the world and how we are all, on some level, in a state of disbelief.  I could feel that in myself.  That I can get how we, as a human family, are on the edge of a big transformation, the likes we haven’t seen in our current consciousness.  Or is it?  I need some flushing out of this to feel my heart.

M:  I am so touched about your desire to feel the plight of your brothers and sisters, the animals, and the Earth.  I want to feel that with you, Christopher.  But let’s feel together what that might be covering.

C:  Hmmmm.  Okay.

M:  I don’t doubt for one second you have an authentic heart about this.  I just want it to be clean and real.

C:  Yes.  As do I.

M:  Good.  You have started a new relationship, correct?

C:  Yes.

M:  What can your heart tell me about that?

C:  When I feel my heart, I feel joy when I am next to her.  I feel like I am with someone who sees me, feels my genuine heart.  I feel like I am a King, or at least inspired to be a King.  I feel a woman who will challenge me to my bigness.  There will be conflict in that, but I want to be in that with her to bring that out.  Not just for me, but for her too.  For both of us.  I feel we could be growth mates.  Uncovering, discovering, supporting, challenging, grounding, flying, collaborating, and inspiring.  That is what my soul felt when we first got together, but we were just not ready.  I want to explore this with her and see where we go together.

M:  I feel your leading edge in that Christopher.  It is solid and loaded with spine.  You have a King in you, my son.  I know, because it is your destiny, this life or the next.  But what about your trailing edge?

C:  Right.  The part of me that hid most of the time when we were last together.  I feel my trailing edge will have reactions to the challenges and the intensity.  This is still new to Simon.  A relationship that is not based in codependence, good girlfriend/ good boyfriend, or ignoring emotional truths.  I want to advocate for him and make sure I have enough of me this time that he feels he can be honest and I will be there.  He felt he needed to take care of a part of her last time.  This time he feels she is holding and taking care of that part.  I feel him not wanting to feel that again and will say something.  Last time there was this feeling of “pressure” in making it work because of a fantastical projection we both put on each other.  That manifested in the idea of marriage.  That was felt as a heavy weight to Simon, who was going through so much life change at the time, and didn’t have any me to lean into.

M:  And now he does.

C:  I think so.  I hope so.

M:  Do you feel so?

C:  Yes, Mother.  I do.

M:  I do too, Christopher.  I don’t know where this goes either.  It is co-created between you both.  You be you and she be her.  Lead with your King’s heart and spine, but most importantly with your trailing edge vulnerability.  This is what makes a real man.

C:  Yes, Mother.  I want to be a real man, so does Simon.

M:  I have nothing but trust that you will be all that you are and become more of that in the process of this exploration of love.  Don’t forget that what may feel like a push off a cliff is just a way to get you to fly.  Real love is not just a walk in the park.

C:  Yes, Mother.  I get that now.  Thank you.  I will always try to remember that.  So, I have to ask, why did we go here from the state of the world?

M:  I will have you answer that.  Why do you feel I did?

C:  Let’s see.  I could feel I was in my head a bit.  What better way to get to my heart than to talk about love.

M:  True.  What else?

C:  Hmmm.  I can feel how maybe a part of me is feeling nervous about this exploration and could be covering that over with big issues to keep me from feeling vulnerable.  I also just felt that my daemon is using it as a means to communicate with me.  I can feel how there is this compartment inside me that puts love in one box and soul purpose in another.  Like they haven’t been compatible before.  So my daemon is trying to remind me that along with love there is also something pressing my soul to feel on a global level.  They both can be compatible.  Jillian and Wayne have shown that.

M:  It all comes down to desire.

C:  Yes it does.  I feel romance desire and soul purpose desire at the same time.  This is a good thing but also very new and uncharted in my history.  These two are meant to blend, and I want them to blend.

M:  Sacred Union

C:  Yes.  Wow.  Okay.  My eyes are getting googly from the screen and I have to eat.  This was a different conversation than I thought it would be.

M:  You thought I was predictable?

C:  Maybe a part of me did.  He knows better now.

M:  Go eat, my human son.  That is a sacred act as well.  We will speak soon.

C:  Okay.  Thank you, Mother.

M:  My honour, my love.  Thank you for being you and taking this unknown journey.

C:  : )  and  : /

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 21 – Existential Pillow of Divine Grace

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cflyer2

Day 21

You are so used to running the show, Simon.  You have planned, surveyed, discerned, and taken action based on an old way of reacting to that fear, the old way of resisting life and love.  Your family is a ball of unfelt existential anxiety.  You were steeped in that religion, that way of life.  Of course you are going to feel this!  If you didn’t you would be medicating, and I don’t allow you to do that.

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  You feel more rested this morning.

S:  I do.  That pillow you bought is awesome!

C:  Tell me about it.  Does that justify the cost?

S:  Yeah, it does.  I got a little locked up around that yesterday.

C:  That was the most we spent in one day in a while.

S:  Yeah.  Thanks for holding me in my breakdown last night.

C:  Would you like to tell the readers what happened?

S:  Not really.

C:  Mind if I do?

S:  Sure.  You are better at that and it feels good to me for you to lead anyway.

C:  Okay.  Thanks, Simon.  So after spending the day spending money, I could feel Simon up quite a bit.  I felt close to fused, in that I didn’t have enough of me to journal about it.  But I had enough of me to put on some music that Jillian gave to me last year that evokes the heart of the Mother.  While cooking dinner, Simon felt Her love coming through the speakers and starting crying.  Would you like to tell me and them what the tears were about Simon?

S:  I just felt fear coming to the surface.  Fear of destitution and misery.  I could feel a past life where I was homeless and alone.  Hungry and afraid.  I fret about money because it triggers that experience.

C:  Do you feel I would draw that again if I am in the Trust of Divine Love?

S:  I did not feel that last night, no.  I could feel how my fear actually blocks that love.

C:  This touches on something that Jillian brought about existential death.

S:  I don’t really understand what that is really, but it sounds horrible.

C:  It does, but it feels like it is inherent in all of us.  A fear of not existing seems to run through the soul of humanity.  This could be made manifest in your fear of destitution.  It is a fear of not existing at all.  Disappearing.

S:  I don’t feel I have gotten there yet, but I can feel what you are saying just a little.

C:  You are so used to running the show, Simon.  You have planned, surveyed, discerned, and taken action based on an old way of reacting to that fear, the old way of resisting life and love.  Your family is a ball of unfelt existential anxiety.  You were steeped in that religion, that way of life.  Of course you are going to feel this!  If you didn’t you would be medicating, and I don’t allow you to do that.  Well, at least for the long term.

S:  Wow.  That feels so true!  The closer we get to this “new” life the more I am going to feel that I guess.

C:  And that is a good thing, Simon!  We get to go through that together and with Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.  The death part is a transformation, an opening to real love from a source we have been separate from for too long.  It is our time to get back to this abundant love and spread it to the four corners.

S:  I feel your soul in that statement.  That is a lot to take in for me right now.

C:  I get that, but I also want you feel how there is something for us to lean into that is infinite and unending.  Like a pillow that is even better than the one I bought.  We can rest our head onto it anytime we like and it will support us and hold us when things get scary.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is a cool analogy. I wish to take it in more.

C:  I do too.  Feels conceptual to you in the moment, and thus me, but my heart tells me that this is true.  Not through knowing, but through experiencing the feeling of Mother’s Love.

S:  I feel better in the moment but I realize that this will come up again.

C: …and again and again.  And the more I am able to hold you and feel you, the more you will begin to trust in me.  You don’t have to trust life, just trust me.

S:  I just got that deja vu feeling again and I went back to some recent blogs.  This is still coming up for me even after all the kind words and feeling spaces.  Shouldn’t some of this have moved by now? Isn’t this boring to those reading?

C:  We can’t know the extent of your wounding, Simon.  It could be mountainous.  It could be hilly.  What I care about it that you keep talking to me and letting me in.  I don’t care if we go through this for the next year as long as you are feeling held and felt.  If the readers get bored, then so be it.   This is for us, number one.  Number two is for the SoulFullHeart family.  Last is for those who are actually getting something or will eventually get something from it.  The rest will fall away.

S:  Okay.  Thanks again, Christopher.  I have to take into account all of this has just started shifting within the last two weeks plus.

C:  Yes!  Exactly.  I can also feel you feeling Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen’s experiences as if they were your own.  Walking in their shoes, sort of speak.

S:  That does add quite a bit to my plate.  Feels like a mechanism of my caretaking.

C:  That feels true.  That is what your mother did.  Took on other people’s situations and then fretted about them.  I don’t feel you fretting about them though, Simon.  I just feel you taking it all in.  You sure as hell know they don’t need to be care taken around all that.

S:  I know.  I guess I just feel people’s stuff more than I am conscious of.

C:  That is what makes you a SoulFullHeart, Simon.  : )

S:  Really?  Hmmm…I guess so.  I never realized that.

C:  You have.  You just forgot.  And I will keep reminding you.

S:  This was a lot today, but I feel it going in.  Thank you, Christopher.  We may be having this same conversation tomorrow.

C:  And I will be here again…

S:  …and again and again…

C:  Yes.  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopher.  And I don’t care what people think about that.

C:  My heart is happy to hear that.  Rest today Simon.  Take a day off.

S:  That sounds awesome.  Talk to you tomorrow.

C:  : )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 20 – Trust Is The Flow Of Love

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cflyer2

Day 20

Your soul has chosen a path of a journey back to itself.  It cannot be bothered by worry.  That stops its desire for real love in its tracks.  As you have been learning, love is a flow of energy that cannot and will not be stopped.  It is what moves all things.  It is what grows all things.  When you align your heart to your soul’s natural state you are in the flow of Divine Love.  You are in my Heart.

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.  I have a lot in my field today and it felt important to connect with you and have my parts listen in.

Mother:  I am so honoured to do so, my noble son, bearer of the Christ.

C:  You don’t start off lightly do you?

M:  I start off where you need me.

C:  Hmmm…why with the meaning of my name?

M:  To set in place a reminder of who you are.  Your soul is meant for great things.

C:  I just wanted to talk about trust.

M:  Do you trust me?

C:  I feel I do.  My parts may still not be too sure.

M:  I just need you, Christopher, in the moment.

C:  Okay.

M:  I set the bar where it lies naturally.  I know your parts look at that and worry and fret that it is “too high”.  But it is not their bar.  It is yours, my love.

C:  Okay.

M:  Your soul has chosen a path of a journey back to itself.  It cannot be bothered by worry.  That stops its desire for real love in its tracks.  As you have been learning, love is a flow of energy that cannot and will not be stopped.  It is what moves all things.  It is what grows all things.  When you align your heart to your soul’s natural state you are in the flow of Divine Love.  You are in my Heart.

C:  That sounds beautiful and magical.  I want to experience that more and more.

M:  You can and you will, but it is a choice and a process and a willingness to be…?

C:  Vulnerable.

M:  Yes, my dear Christopher.  Trust can only be felt when one is willing to be vulnerable with the fear of not having it.

C:  Simon feels so much concern around all the pieces of this new world we are transitioning into.

M:  This new world will always be shifting and changing.  You must hold and feel him through all of this or else it will be crazy-making to him.

C:  I completely feel what you are saying.  This new way of living and being in the world will be quite different than the one he created for himself in this life.

M:  And new love too, correct?

C:  Yes, absolutely.  A new way of being with a woman that is not about avoiding vulnerability but leading with it.

M:  Do you feel how much that is for Simon?

C:  I most certainly do, Mother.  I can’t know anything with certainty.  Where I am going to be in six months or where Kathleen and I will be either.  I just have my desire.  My desire to live into love, breathe it in, teach me, move me, help me grow.  My desire to take that love when it is in overflow and give to others, through passionate compassion.

M:  I love hearing you say “when it is in overflow”.  It is so easy for some to give love away when they don’t have it themselves.  I want all my children to fill up their cups and THEN give to others with their whole being. Not out of guilt or obligation, which is just false “love” in the form of caretaking one’s lack of love in their own cup.

C:  That feels good to hear from you, Mother.  A part of me would have considered that selfish in the past.

M:  Then tell this part to be the most selfish being in the world.

C:   You just did.

M:  What are feeling Christopher?

C:  I am feeling charged.  I am feeling you in my heart.  I am feeling an excitement to flow into trust when I hold my desires and feel my fears.

M:  I love feeling that, my son.  I feel Magdalene wanting to speak to you before you go.

C:  Oh, okay.  Hello, Magdalene.  I pretty much know what you would like to talk about.

Magdalene:  Oh, yes.  I was with you and Kathleen all day yesterday!  Yummy!

C:  Hahaha!  Yes it was, wasn’t it?

M:  I wanted to tell you that you are a true King and Lover.  You held her so tenderly but with fire and passion in all the right places.  ; )

C:  Uh…thanks, Magdalene.  I am really touched by that.  I have my trailing edge triggers from our last incarnation together, but when I place them next to what I felt yesterday, they seem to subside.  We are so different together in one way, yet the same in another.

M:  What is real between you two will find its way, Christopher. You cannot hide or sequester the feelings you have for her, or place them in some rational box.  They are alive, bursting at the seams!  Literally!

C:  Magdalene!  Lol!  Simon has just run into the room and put his head under the pillows.

M:  Awww…I am sorry, Simon.  I can’t help myself.  I get all juiced up when love is being explored.

C:  I guess!

M:  Be vulnerable, my love.  She is worth it and so are you.  I don’t know where you two are going, but what matters is where you are at.  Feel your heart with hers.  If something comes up, bring it up.  No more hiding.  No more protecting.

C:  Yes, Magdalene.  I feel Angela will help me with that.

M:  Sweet, Angela.  She needs your heart too.

C:  Yes, she does.

M:  I am dancing to the sound of sweet love in the air.  This is a magical time, Christopher.

C:  Yes it is.  I am excited to be with it in each arising moment.

M:  My heart is with both of you.

C:  Ours is with you too.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 19 – Reaffirming The Inner King

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cflyer2

Day 19

Be nothing less than what you are.  I want to feel that in you.  Simon wants it.  Kathleen wants it.  Jillian and Wayne want it.  The world needs it.

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.  (Angela wanted this name instead of Angelica as she said to me it didn’t fit her.)

Angela:  Good morning, Casanova.

C:  What?  Oh, you are referring to Kathleen.  I wouldn’t quite go with Casanova.  That sounds…wait, you are teasing me like we did to Simon.  I felt him react to that name as an image thing, like it is a sleazy thing.

A:  You are far from sleazy, Simon.  And btw, when are you going to loosen up?  Can’t a girl have some fun around here?

Simon:  Good morning, Angela.  I am very literal.  I would like to loosen that up.

A:  Your co-pilot tie is a little tight.

S:  Lol!  Yeah, I guess it is.

A:  I felt you two days ago having a hard time digesting Christopher’s feelings for Kathleen.

S:  Yeah, I did.  We worked through it yesterday a bit.

A:  I wanted you to know that I could feel your heart wanting to be honest even though you were struggling with what that “meant”.  I can feel your heart even in your anxiety and fear.  You have been so conditioned to make sense of the world that just flowing with your feelings is really hard.  But I want you to know, Simon, I can feel it even when you don’t think you do.

S:  Wow.  Thank you, Angela.  That really feels good to know you feel that from me.

A:  A woman wants an open heart above all.  I can feel this fear of hurting someone and being judged for it if you did.

S:  How do you know all this stuff?

A:  I have ears and a heart, too, Simon.

S:  I am still getting used to others being in the room and knowing what is going on.

A:  You can’t hide from me.  ; )

S:  I don’t want to anyway.

A:  Awwww…that was sweet.  Thank you.

S:  : )

A:  Are you afraid that Christopher might not talk to you anymore?

S:  Yeah.  Sometimes.  That is what happened last time, but we didn’t really know each other that well.  I had just been discovered and a lot was going on that didn’t give us much time to differentiate.

A:  Are you afraid?

S:  Yes.

A:  I just want your heart, Simon, not your understanding.

S:  Okay, Angela.  I hope he still keeps talking to me.  I have faith in him that he will.

A:  I do too, Simon.

S:  What about you?

A:  I trust him too, but I still feel a little jealous.

Christopher:  I can feel how that would come up, Angela.  We have not journaled nearly as much as me and Simon.

A:  Thank you for feeling that, Christopher.  I feel like I can be of some assistance in your exploration.

C:  I do too, but I also want to feel your heart as well.  Your joy as well as your pain.

A:  I can feel that, Christopher.  Thank you.  There is so much going on for you but I know you will rise to it, my King.

C:  Whoa.  That sent a jolt through me.  Thank you.

A:  Be nothing less than what you are.  I want to feel that in you.  Simon wants it.  Kathleen wants it.  Jillian and Wayne want it.  The world needs it.

C:  I will, Angela.  I will do my very best.  I want you to know too, Simon, that I will promise to keep feeling you.

S:  I believe you.

C:  And you too, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel:  Thank you, Christopher.  I needed to hear that.  We will speak soon.  We have a lot to feel into.

C:  Yes we do, Nathaniel.  I love you all and will continue to do so.  I know this was short but we will chat later.

A:  Have fun, Casanova. ; )

S:  Don’t embarrass me.  ; )

A:  Simon, will you hang out with me today?

S:  I would like that, Angela.

C:  Mmmm…hmmmm.

S:  Zip it.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 18 – Vulnerability As The Holy Grail of Real Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

cflyer2

Day 18

Christopher’s Note: This journaling with my self-image part, Simon, comes after an experience of withholding authentic feelings for an ex-mate from Jillian and Wayne.  This part of me was projecting fear of judgement onto them and trying to “figure out” whether these feelings were authentic or not.  I fused with this fear and projection and was eventually lovingly confronted about the withhold from two people that have become more my friends than facilitators.  It is also about questions around my arising attraction and heart connection with Kathleen, with whom he had a previous relationship with.

That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.  Back to pen and paper.  I like this.

C:  Me, too, Simon.  Back to our roots.  How are you feeling this morning after yesterday?

S:  I feel lighter, but still have a tinge of guilt and anxiety.

C:  What is the guilt?

S:  Not trusting the feelings you had were “authentic” and projecting my fears onto Jillian and Wayne.

C:  What fears are those?

S:  Of what you were feeling is “right” or “wrong” and being called out on that.  What gets me is that they have never done that, yet I still project it.  That frustrates me.

C:  First, it does make sense in the way that they are facilitators to you.  That can trigger parental projection.  Second, I am the one that needed to process that with you.  I “left the room” on this one I am sorry.

S:  Thank you, Christopher.  It is hard for me still to let go of this need to feel responsible.

C:  The more I am responsive to my needs and yours, the less you will feel that way.  You spent so many years feeling responsible and managing perceptions that it won’t heal overnight.  I need to be there for you, show up for you, to help that along.  It will be a lifelong process.

S:  I guess I am impatient and just want to be a perfect person, without the vulnerable crucibles.

C:  That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.

S:  Whoa.  That just spun my head around again.  So opposite to my conditioning.  Perfection meant adoration with meant love, but now I see how that “love” was manufactured and not based on any real truth or feeling.

C:  Yes.  That conditioning can only be unwound by living into vulnerability.  I wanted to say, Simon, that when confronted with love by Jillian you were a vulnerable flood.  You didn’t hold back, defend, or back track.  You owned and admitted .  This is a process of feeling our way to being vulnerable in real time.  You felt it in your gut and it was my responsibility to relieve you of that and I didn’t.

S:  That means a lot to me, Christopher.  Thank you.

C:  You are welcome, Simon.  Our crucible in this phase of our life is to be vulnerable, not perfect.  Messy not clean.  Porous not congested.  But I lead that, not you.

S:  Okay.

C:  You mentioned anxiety earlier.  Would you tell me more about that?

S:  I feel the anxiety comes from past experience with Kathleen and all that I went through at that time.  The feeling of you not leading and me being the one “doing” the relationship on top of all the changes that were taking place.

C:  I can feel the trauma you have from that time, Simon.  Tell me more.

S:  It was intense. Too much for me to hold.  A part of her was intense and I could only react by managing.  I didn’t have a spine to lean into.  I felt responsible for her.

C:  Do you feel any of that now?

S:  No.  Not really.  I feel you here with me more.  Your spine.  I don’t feel the intensity and need for a caretaker in her anymore.  She has changed a lot since then.

C:  There is a lot that has moved and grown within us.  There are going to be things that come up from that time, Simon, and it is important I out those so you don’t get put into a suffering loop.  It is also important so Kathleen and I can find out who and what we really are.

S:  I know.  I need to lean into you and trust everyone more.  Why do I get this sense of deja vu?

C:  Well, it was one year ago this month Kathleen and I began our romance.

S:  Well, yeah, that too.  I just meant this conversation about trusting.

C:  It is a constant feeling spiral, Simon.  We will come back here again, but each time we grow and learn.

S:  Still getting used to that.

C:  You and me both.  Before we end, I wanted to you to know that Kathleen and I can only feel our way into whatever it is we are exploring.  There are no absolutes, regardless of our future living scenario.  I feel my heart, she feels hers, we feel ours together.  Then the next day we do it all over again.  The one thing that is absolute is that you will always be the most important part of me, Simon.  I will always be here advocating for what you need, the very best I can.  I love you.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is going in.  I believe you.  I do.  One day.  Today.  I need to remember that.  I love you, too.

C:  Now, it is time for me to go pick up a beautiful woman and escort her to the ferry.

S:  You gonna kiss her?

C:  Oh hell yes.  I get a heart-on.

S:  I cannot believe you just said that.  You know that is a double entendre!

C:  If Yeshua can say it, so can I.

S:  Oh boy.  Why do I feel like you are going to embarrass me?

C:  It’s because I love you and you need it.

S:  >:{

C:  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.