Tag: Daemons

30 Days With My Parts: Day 23 – Presence of Heart

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

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Day 23

Being in presence is an experience that is outside the mind.  When the mind takes its rightful place, you are free to be in flow of your essence.  There is no positioning or postulating.  That is the false self doing mind work that is grounded in personal wounding and social conditioning.  When that is healed, you begin to feel your way in each moment.  Then you are on sacred ground.

Christopher:  Good morning, Mother.

Mother:  Good morning, my beloved son.  How are you this sacred moment?

C:  That is a beautiful way of putting it…’this sacred moment’.

M:  One day you will experience how all moments are sacred, this one in particular.

C:  Feels like that is getting back to being in the presence of presence in the present.

M:  A little philosophical, don’t you feel?

C:  Yeah.  Not very heart-based.  Trying to be fancy.

M:  There is truth in what you say, but it is only real when you feel it.  Do you feel the presence of presence in the present?

C:  I don’t know.  If I did, I guess I would know.  Or maybe I wouldn’t.  I am confused now.

M:  That means you are not trying too hard to ‘figure’ it out.  Being in presence is an experience that is outside the mind.  When the mind takes its rightful place, you are free to be in flow of your essence.  There is no positioning or postulating.  That is the false self doing mind work that is grounded in personal wounding and social conditioning.  When that is healed, you begin to feel your way in each moment.  Then you are on sacred ground.

C:  Not a lot of that in the city.  I could feel my heart in the beginning and then as time goes on it is hard to maintain that being surrounded by the matrix of mind that is a city.

M:  That is not easy when you are in the process of deconstructing the false self which is used to the mind matrix.  You begin to ‘forget’ who you are.

C:  Yeah, totally.  Well, I didn’t forget as much as I could feel an energetic reaction.  I am glad Kathleen is getting herself out of that.

M:  As am I, Christopher.  I wish everyone had the emotional consciousness to ‘get out’.  And by that I don’t mean physically.  I mean emotionally.  That may require leaving physically at some point, but just to get out of the trap they find themselves in.  A self imposed exile of the heart.  I can feel those that are trying to help in a big city, but they are not helping themselves and therefore just adding to the paintrix.

C:  Wow!  That is a good one, Mother.  The Paintrix.  I mean, in terms of words.  Not good in regards to the emotion of it.

M:  I know what you meant.  It is sad, but true.  The Paintrix of Mind can only be healed from the inside of each individual heart and that is a sovereign choice.  One can try and help others to feel and heal, but only when it is a choice made by the soul itself.   You must heal your heart in an environment that is conducive to healing.

C:  …and get back to Presence of Heart.

M:  Yes.

C:  Thank you for that Mother.  I really want to feel more Presence of Heart.  This weaves in perfectly with where I originally wanted to go.

M:  I took you off course again?  Hmmm…

C:  Lol!  Yeah.  I am getting used to that.  You asked me how I was and that reminded me of an exchange I had with a Tibetan shop keeper around how in this North American culture we ask that question without really feeling it.  And then that took me to how that is a symptom of our lack of relationality, and then I felt my own lack in that.

M:  Okay.  So how does that weave in with what we started about?

C:  I feel like with presence of heart comes relationality.  When someone asks how I am, I feel like just telling them the truth and see what happens, rather than “fine thanks, and you?”.  It is more relational.  They may not care, but at least I am not continuing the cycle of blah, blah, blah.

M:  Sounds like a good practice to me.  A part of you may have a reaction to that, so I would negotiate with him.

C:  Feels like Simon has a hard time being relational.  I can feel him wanting to try and be relational but it feels forced and managed.  When among people the perception management kicks in and I fall into usual phrases.  This a place for me to lead and feel Simon.

M:  Being in the presence of heart will help you to lead that.  Ask yourself what you are feeling every so often to practice this.  Just be aware of yourself around others and journal with Simon about anything that triggers him.  The more that you can be relational, the more that others can receive your true heart and love.  And that is no small thing, my dear Christopher and Simon.  Others need it, desire it, and long for it.  As do you.

C:  Thank you, Mother.  I am letting that in.  Time to go be relational.

M:  I will be with you my beloved son.

C:   : )

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 22 – Sacred Union of Romance and Purpose

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Day 22

I can feel how there is this compartment inside me that puts love in one box and soul purpose in another.  Like they haven’t been compatible before.  So my daemon is trying to remind me that along with love there is also something pressing my soul to feel on a global level.  They both can be compatible.

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.

Mother:  Blessings, Christopher.  I feel the world in your heart in this moment.

C:  Yes, it is.  Since my existential exchange with Simon, I was drawn back to reading The Hope by Andrew Harvey.  I opened to his description of the Dark Night of the Soul, both individually and collectively.  This led me to a part about the state of the world and how we are all, on some level, in a state of disbelief.  I could feel that in myself.  That I can get how we, as a human family, are on the edge of a big transformation, the likes we haven’t seen in our current consciousness.  Or is it?  I need some flushing out of this to feel my heart.

M:  I am so touched about your desire to feel the plight of your brothers and sisters, the animals, and the Earth.  I want to feel that with you, Christopher.  But let’s feel together what that might be covering.

C:  Hmmmm.  Okay.

M:  I don’t doubt for one second you have an authentic heart about this.  I just want it to be clean and real.

C:  Yes.  As do I.

M:  Good.  You have started a new relationship, correct?

C:  Yes.

M:  What can your heart tell me about that?

C:  When I feel my heart, I feel joy when I am next to her.  I feel like I am with someone who sees me, feels my genuine heart.  I feel like I am a King, or at least inspired to be a King.  I feel a woman who will challenge me to my bigness.  There will be conflict in that, but I want to be in that with her to bring that out.  Not just for me, but for her too.  For both of us.  I feel we could be growth mates.  Uncovering, discovering, supporting, challenging, grounding, flying, collaborating, and inspiring.  That is what my soul felt when we first got together, but we were just not ready.  I want to explore this with her and see where we go together.

M:  I feel your leading edge in that Christopher.  It is solid and loaded with spine.  You have a King in you, my son.  I know, because it is your destiny, this life or the next.  But what about your trailing edge?

C:  Right.  The part of me that hid most of the time when we were last together.  I feel my trailing edge will have reactions to the challenges and the intensity.  This is still new to Simon.  A relationship that is not based in codependence, good girlfriend/ good boyfriend, or ignoring emotional truths.  I want to advocate for him and make sure I have enough of me this time that he feels he can be honest and I will be there.  He felt he needed to take care of a part of her last time.  This time he feels she is holding and taking care of that part.  I feel him not wanting to feel that again and will say something.  Last time there was this feeling of “pressure” in making it work because of a fantastical projection we both put on each other.  That manifested in the idea of marriage.  That was felt as a heavy weight to Simon, who was going through so much life change at the time, and didn’t have any me to lean into.

M:  And now he does.

C:  I think so.  I hope so.

M:  Do you feel so?

C:  Yes, Mother.  I do.

M:  I do too, Christopher.  I don’t know where this goes either.  It is co-created between you both.  You be you and she be her.  Lead with your King’s heart and spine, but most importantly with your trailing edge vulnerability.  This is what makes a real man.

C:  Yes, Mother.  I want to be a real man, so does Simon.

M:  I have nothing but trust that you will be all that you are and become more of that in the process of this exploration of love.  Don’t forget that what may feel like a push off a cliff is just a way to get you to fly.  Real love is not just a walk in the park.

C:  Yes, Mother.  I get that now.  Thank you.  I will always try to remember that.  So, I have to ask, why did we go here from the state of the world?

M:  I will have you answer that.  Why do you feel I did?

C:  Let’s see.  I could feel I was in my head a bit.  What better way to get to my heart than to talk about love.

M:  True.  What else?

C:  Hmmm.  I can feel how maybe a part of me is feeling nervous about this exploration and could be covering that over with big issues to keep me from feeling vulnerable.  I also just felt that my daemon is using it as a means to communicate with me.  I can feel how there is this compartment inside me that puts love in one box and soul purpose in another.  Like they haven’t been compatible before.  So my daemon is trying to remind me that along with love there is also something pressing my soul to feel on a global level.  They both can be compatible.  Jillian and Wayne have shown that.

M:  It all comes down to desire.

C:  Yes it does.  I feel romance desire and soul purpose desire at the same time.  This is a good thing but also very new and uncharted in my history.  These two are meant to blend, and I want them to blend.

M:  Sacred Union

C:  Yes.  Wow.  Okay.  My eyes are getting googly from the screen and I have to eat.  This was a different conversation than I thought it would be.

M:  You thought I was predictable?

C:  Maybe a part of me did.  He knows better now.

M:  Go eat, my human son.  That is a sacred act as well.  We will speak soon.

C:  Okay.  Thank you, Mother.

M:  My honour, my love.  Thank you for being you and taking this unknown journey.

C:  : )  and  : /

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 21 – Existential Pillow of Divine Grace

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Day 21

You are so used to running the show, Simon.  You have planned, surveyed, discerned, and taken action based on an old way of reacting to that fear, the old way of resisting life and love.  Your family is a ball of unfelt existential anxiety.  You were steeped in that religion, that way of life.  Of course you are going to feel this!  If you didn’t you would be medicating, and I don’t allow you to do that.

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  You feel more rested this morning.

S:  I do.  That pillow you bought is awesome!

C:  Tell me about it.  Does that justify the cost?

S:  Yeah, it does.  I got a little locked up around that yesterday.

C:  That was the most we spent in one day in a while.

S:  Yeah.  Thanks for holding me in my breakdown last night.

C:  Would you like to tell the readers what happened?

S:  Not really.

C:  Mind if I do?

S:  Sure.  You are better at that and it feels good to me for you to lead anyway.

C:  Okay.  Thanks, Simon.  So after spending the day spending money, I could feel Simon up quite a bit.  I felt close to fused, in that I didn’t have enough of me to journal about it.  But I had enough of me to put on some music that Jillian gave to me last year that evokes the heart of the Mother.  While cooking dinner, Simon felt Her love coming through the speakers and starting crying.  Would you like to tell me and them what the tears were about Simon?

S:  I just felt fear coming to the surface.  Fear of destitution and misery.  I could feel a past life where I was homeless and alone.  Hungry and afraid.  I fret about money because it triggers that experience.

C:  Do you feel I would draw that again if I am in the Trust of Divine Love?

S:  I did not feel that last night, no.  I could feel how my fear actually blocks that love.

C:  This touches on something that Jillian brought about existential death.

S:  I don’t really understand what that is really, but it sounds horrible.

C:  It does, but it feels like it is inherent in all of us.  A fear of not existing seems to run through the soul of humanity.  This could be made manifest in your fear of destitution.  It is a fear of not existing at all.  Disappearing.

S:  I don’t feel I have gotten there yet, but I can feel what you are saying just a little.

C:  You are so used to running the show, Simon.  You have planned, surveyed, discerned, and taken action based on an old way of reacting to that fear, the old way of resisting life and love.  Your family is a ball of unfelt existential anxiety.  You were steeped in that religion, that way of life.  Of course you are going to feel this!  If you didn’t you would be medicating, and I don’t allow you to do that.  Well, at least for the long term.

S:  Wow.  That feels so true!  The closer we get to this “new” life the more I am going to feel that I guess.

C:  And that is a good thing, Simon!  We get to go through that together and with Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.  The death part is a transformation, an opening to real love from a source we have been separate from for too long.  It is our time to get back to this abundant love and spread it to the four corners.

S:  I feel your soul in that statement.  That is a lot to take in for me right now.

C:  I get that, but I also want you feel how there is something for us to lean into that is infinite and unending.  Like a pillow that is even better than the one I bought.  We can rest our head onto it anytime we like and it will support us and hold us when things get scary.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is a cool analogy. I wish to take it in more.

C:  I do too.  Feels conceptual to you in the moment, and thus me, but my heart tells me that this is true.  Not through knowing, but through experiencing the feeling of Mother’s Love.

S:  I feel better in the moment but I realize that this will come up again.

C: …and again and again.  And the more I am able to hold you and feel you, the more you will begin to trust in me.  You don’t have to trust life, just trust me.

S:  I just got that deja vu feeling again and I went back to some recent blogs.  This is still coming up for me even after all the kind words and feeling spaces.  Shouldn’t some of this have moved by now? Isn’t this boring to those reading?

C:  We can’t know the extent of your wounding, Simon.  It could be mountainous.  It could be hilly.  What I care about it that you keep talking to me and letting me in.  I don’t care if we go through this for the next year as long as you are feeling held and felt.  If the readers get bored, then so be it.   This is for us, number one.  Number two is for the SoulFullHeart family.  Last is for those who are actually getting something or will eventually get something from it.  The rest will fall away.

S:  Okay.  Thanks again, Christopher.  I have to take into account all of this has just started shifting within the last two weeks plus.

C:  Yes!  Exactly.  I can also feel you feeling Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen’s experiences as if they were your own.  Walking in their shoes, sort of speak.

S:  That does add quite a bit to my plate.  Feels like a mechanism of my caretaking.

C:  That feels true.  That is what your mother did.  Took on other people’s situations and then fretted about them.  I don’t feel you fretting about them though, Simon.  I just feel you taking it all in.  You sure as hell know they don’t need to be care taken around all that.

S:  I know.  I guess I just feel people’s stuff more than I am conscious of.

C:  That is what makes you a SoulFullHeart, Simon.  : )

S:  Really?  Hmmm…I guess so.  I never realized that.

C:  You have.  You just forgot.  And I will keep reminding you.

S:  This was a lot today, but I feel it going in.  Thank you, Christopher.  We may be having this same conversation tomorrow.

C:  And I will be here again…

S:  …and again and again…

C:  Yes.  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopher.  And I don’t care what people think about that.

C:  My heart is happy to hear that.  Rest today Simon.  Take a day off.

S:  That sounds awesome.  Talk to you tomorrow.

C:  : )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 20 – Trust Is The Flow Of Love

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Day 20

Your soul has chosen a path of a journey back to itself.  It cannot be bothered by worry.  That stops its desire for real love in its tracks.  As you have been learning, love is a flow of energy that cannot and will not be stopped.  It is what moves all things.  It is what grows all things.  When you align your heart to your soul’s natural state you are in the flow of Divine Love.  You are in my Heart.

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.  I have a lot in my field today and it felt important to connect with you and have my parts listen in.

Mother:  I am so honoured to do so, my noble son, bearer of the Christ.

C:  You don’t start off lightly do you?

M:  I start off where you need me.

C:  Hmmm…why with the meaning of my name?

M:  To set in place a reminder of who you are.  Your soul is meant for great things.

C:  I just wanted to talk about trust.

M:  Do you trust me?

C:  I feel I do.  My parts may still not be too sure.

M:  I just need you, Christopher, in the moment.

C:  Okay.

M:  I set the bar where it lies naturally.  I know your parts look at that and worry and fret that it is “too high”.  But it is not their bar.  It is yours, my love.

C:  Okay.

M:  Your soul has chosen a path of a journey back to itself.  It cannot be bothered by worry.  That stops its desire for real love in its tracks.  As you have been learning, love is a flow of energy that cannot and will not be stopped.  It is what moves all things.  It is what grows all things.  When you align your heart to your soul’s natural state you are in the flow of Divine Love.  You are in my Heart.

C:  That sounds beautiful and magical.  I want to experience that more and more.

M:  You can and you will, but it is a choice and a process and a willingness to be…?

C:  Vulnerable.

M:  Yes, my dear Christopher.  Trust can only be felt when one is willing to be vulnerable with the fear of not having it.

C:  Simon feels so much concern around all the pieces of this new world we are transitioning into.

M:  This new world will always be shifting and changing.  You must hold and feel him through all of this or else it will be crazy-making to him.

C:  I completely feel what you are saying.  This new way of living and being in the world will be quite different than the one he created for himself in this life.

M:  And new love too, correct?

C:  Yes, absolutely.  A new way of being with a woman that is not about avoiding vulnerability but leading with it.

M:  Do you feel how much that is for Simon?

C:  I most certainly do, Mother.  I can’t know anything with certainty.  Where I am going to be in six months or where Kathleen and I will be either.  I just have my desire.  My desire to live into love, breathe it in, teach me, move me, help me grow.  My desire to take that love when it is in overflow and give to others, through passionate compassion.

M:  I love hearing you say “when it is in overflow”.  It is so easy for some to give love away when they don’t have it themselves.  I want all my children to fill up their cups and THEN give to others with their whole being. Not out of guilt or obligation, which is just false “love” in the form of caretaking one’s lack of love in their own cup.

C:  That feels good to hear from you, Mother.  A part of me would have considered that selfish in the past.

M:  Then tell this part to be the most selfish being in the world.

C:   You just did.

M:  What are feeling Christopher?

C:  I am feeling charged.  I am feeling you in my heart.  I am feeling an excitement to flow into trust when I hold my desires and feel my fears.

M:  I love feeling that, my son.  I feel Magdalene wanting to speak to you before you go.

C:  Oh, okay.  Hello, Magdalene.  I pretty much know what you would like to talk about.

Magdalene:  Oh, yes.  I was with you and Kathleen all day yesterday!  Yummy!

C:  Hahaha!  Yes it was, wasn’t it?

M:  I wanted to tell you that you are a true King and Lover.  You held her so tenderly but with fire and passion in all the right places.  ; )

C:  Uh…thanks, Magdalene.  I am really touched by that.  I have my trailing edge triggers from our last incarnation together, but when I place them next to what I felt yesterday, they seem to subside.  We are so different together in one way, yet the same in another.

M:  What is real between you two will find its way, Christopher. You cannot hide or sequester the feelings you have for her, or place them in some rational box.  They are alive, bursting at the seams!  Literally!

C:  Magdalene!  Lol!  Simon has just run into the room and put his head under the pillows.

M:  Awww…I am sorry, Simon.  I can’t help myself.  I get all juiced up when love is being explored.

C:  I guess!

M:  Be vulnerable, my love.  She is worth it and so are you.  I don’t know where you two are going, but what matters is where you are at.  Feel your heart with hers.  If something comes up, bring it up.  No more hiding.  No more protecting.

C:  Yes, Magdalene.  I feel Angela will help me with that.

M:  Sweet, Angela.  She needs your heart too.

C:  Yes, she does.

M:  I am dancing to the sound of sweet love in the air.  This is a magical time, Christopher.

C:  Yes it is.  I am excited to be with it in each arising moment.

M:  My heart is with both of you.

C:  Ours is with you too.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 19 – Reaffirming The Inner King

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Day 19

Be nothing less than what you are.  I want to feel that in you.  Simon wants it.  Kathleen wants it.  Jillian and Wayne want it.  The world needs it.

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.  (Angela wanted this name instead of Angelica as she said to me it didn’t fit her.)

Angela:  Good morning, Casanova.

C:  What?  Oh, you are referring to Kathleen.  I wouldn’t quite go with Casanova.  That sounds…wait, you are teasing me like we did to Simon.  I felt him react to that name as an image thing, like it is a sleazy thing.

A:  You are far from sleazy, Simon.  And btw, when are you going to loosen up?  Can’t a girl have some fun around here?

Simon:  Good morning, Angela.  I am very literal.  I would like to loosen that up.

A:  Your co-pilot tie is a little tight.

S:  Lol!  Yeah, I guess it is.

A:  I felt you two days ago having a hard time digesting Christopher’s feelings for Kathleen.

S:  Yeah, I did.  We worked through it yesterday a bit.

A:  I wanted you to know that I could feel your heart wanting to be honest even though you were struggling with what that “meant”.  I can feel your heart even in your anxiety and fear.  You have been so conditioned to make sense of the world that just flowing with your feelings is really hard.  But I want you to know, Simon, I can feel it even when you don’t think you do.

S:  Wow.  Thank you, Angela.  That really feels good to know you feel that from me.

A:  A woman wants an open heart above all.  I can feel this fear of hurting someone and being judged for it if you did.

S:  How do you know all this stuff?

A:  I have ears and a heart, too, Simon.

S:  I am still getting used to others being in the room and knowing what is going on.

A:  You can’t hide from me.  ; )

S:  I don’t want to anyway.

A:  Awwww…that was sweet.  Thank you.

S:  : )

A:  Are you afraid that Christopher might not talk to you anymore?

S:  Yeah.  Sometimes.  That is what happened last time, but we didn’t really know each other that well.  I had just been discovered and a lot was going on that didn’t give us much time to differentiate.

A:  Are you afraid?

S:  Yes.

A:  I just want your heart, Simon, not your understanding.

S:  Okay, Angela.  I hope he still keeps talking to me.  I have faith in him that he will.

A:  I do too, Simon.

S:  What about you?

A:  I trust him too, but I still feel a little jealous.

Christopher:  I can feel how that would come up, Angela.  We have not journaled nearly as much as me and Simon.

A:  Thank you for feeling that, Christopher.  I feel like I can be of some assistance in your exploration.

C:  I do too, but I also want to feel your heart as well.  Your joy as well as your pain.

A:  I can feel that, Christopher.  Thank you.  There is so much going on for you but I know you will rise to it, my King.

C:  Whoa.  That sent a jolt through me.  Thank you.

A:  Be nothing less than what you are.  I want to feel that in you.  Simon wants it.  Kathleen wants it.  Jillian and Wayne want it.  The world needs it.

C:  I will, Angela.  I will do my very best.  I want you to know too, Simon, that I will promise to keep feeling you.

S:  I believe you.

C:  And you too, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel:  Thank you, Christopher.  I needed to hear that.  We will speak soon.  We have a lot to feel into.

C:  Yes we do, Nathaniel.  I love you all and will continue to do so.  I know this was short but we will chat later.

A:  Have fun, Casanova. ; )

S:  Don’t embarrass me.  ; )

A:  Simon, will you hang out with me today?

S:  I would like that, Angela.

C:  Mmmm…hmmmm.

S:  Zip it.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 18 – Vulnerability As The Holy Grail of Real Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

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Day 18

Christopher’s Note: This journaling with my self-image part, Simon, comes after an experience of withholding authentic feelings for an ex-mate from Jillian and Wayne.  This part of me was projecting fear of judgement onto them and trying to “figure out” whether these feelings were authentic or not.  I fused with this fear and projection and was eventually lovingly confronted about the withhold from two people that have become more my friends than facilitators.  It is also about questions around my arising attraction and heart connection with Kathleen, with whom he had a previous relationship with.

That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.  Back to pen and paper.  I like this.

C:  Me, too, Simon.  Back to our roots.  How are you feeling this morning after yesterday?

S:  I feel lighter, but still have a tinge of guilt and anxiety.

C:  What is the guilt?

S:  Not trusting the feelings you had were “authentic” and projecting my fears onto Jillian and Wayne.

C:  What fears are those?

S:  Of what you were feeling is “right” or “wrong” and being called out on that.  What gets me is that they have never done that, yet I still project it.  That frustrates me.

C:  First, it does make sense in the way that they are facilitators to you.  That can trigger parental projection.  Second, I am the one that needed to process that with you.  I “left the room” on this one I am sorry.

S:  Thank you, Christopher.  It is hard for me still to let go of this need to feel responsible.

C:  The more I am responsive to my needs and yours, the less you will feel that way.  You spent so many years feeling responsible and managing perceptions that it won’t heal overnight.  I need to be there for you, show up for you, to help that along.  It will be a lifelong process.

S:  I guess I am impatient and just want to be a perfect person, without the vulnerable crucibles.

C:  That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.

S:  Whoa.  That just spun my head around again.  So opposite to my conditioning.  Perfection meant adoration with meant love, but now I see how that “love” was manufactured and not based on any real truth or feeling.

C:  Yes.  That conditioning can only be unwound by living into vulnerability.  I wanted to say, Simon, that when confronted with love by Jillian you were a vulnerable flood.  You didn’t hold back, defend, or back track.  You owned and admitted .  This is a process of feeling our way to being vulnerable in real time.  You felt it in your gut and it was my responsibility to relieve you of that and I didn’t.

S:  That means a lot to me, Christopher.  Thank you.

C:  You are welcome, Simon.  Our crucible in this phase of our life is to be vulnerable, not perfect.  Messy not clean.  Porous not congested.  But I lead that, not you.

S:  Okay.

C:  You mentioned anxiety earlier.  Would you tell me more about that?

S:  I feel the anxiety comes from past experience with Kathleen and all that I went through at that time.  The feeling of you not leading and me being the one “doing” the relationship on top of all the changes that were taking place.

C:  I can feel the trauma you have from that time, Simon.  Tell me more.

S:  It was intense. Too much for me to hold.  A part of her was intense and I could only react by managing.  I didn’t have a spine to lean into.  I felt responsible for her.

C:  Do you feel any of that now?

S:  No.  Not really.  I feel you here with me more.  Your spine.  I don’t feel the intensity and need for a caretaker in her anymore.  She has changed a lot since then.

C:  There is a lot that has moved and grown within us.  There are going to be things that come up from that time, Simon, and it is important I out those so you don’t get put into a suffering loop.  It is also important so Kathleen and I can find out who and what we really are.

S:  I know.  I need to lean into you and trust everyone more.  Why do I get this sense of deja vu?

C:  Well, it was one year ago this month Kathleen and I began our romance.

S:  Well, yeah, that too.  I just meant this conversation about trusting.

C:  It is a constant feeling spiral, Simon.  We will come back here again, but each time we grow and learn.

S:  Still getting used to that.

C:  You and me both.  Before we end, I wanted to you to know that Kathleen and I can only feel our way into whatever it is we are exploring.  There are no absolutes, regardless of our future living scenario.  I feel my heart, she feels hers, we feel ours together.  Then the next day we do it all over again.  The one thing that is absolute is that you will always be the most important part of me, Simon.  I will always be here advocating for what you need, the very best I can.  I love you.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is going in.  I believe you.  I do.  One day.  Today.  I need to remember that.  I love you, too.

C:  Now, it is time for me to go pick up a beautiful woman and escort her to the ferry.

S:  You gonna kiss her?

C:  Oh hell yes.  I get a heart-on.

S:  I cannot believe you just said that.  You know that is a double entendre!

C:  If Yeshua can say it, so can I.

S:  Oh boy.  Why do I feel like you are going to embarrass me?

C:  It’s because I love you and you need it.

S:  >:{

C:  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

30 Days With My Parts: Day 17 – Mother’s True Love

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Day 17

Your heart is so full of life. It doesn’t need to be sequestered into a mold of someone else’s design.  Let your heart open into the love that is all around you.  You are done working, my son.  You are officially retired from that old life, those old words.  You are a part of something bigger than you.  Lean into it.  That is real love.

Christopher:  Good morning, Mother.  I need to speak with you.

Mother:  What is in your heart, my son?

C:  I feel like I am a bit disconnected in the moment.

M:  Disconnected from what Christopher?

C:  You, me, the world.  I needed some time with you to get me back in my heart.  I have been in my head a lot lately with all the shifts.  A part of me wanting to help ease this transition by getting as much info as possible so there are no surprises or heartbreaking mistakes that could have been avoided.  Then I feel him up when it comes to SoulFullHeart and he stresses on who I should be journaling with so I can get the blog out.  This all just feels so centered in my head and I am not that anymore, Mother.

M:  I know you have been with Simon, Christopher.  I have felt you with him.  Would you like me to feel him?

C:  Yes, please, Mother.  I would like that.

M:  Good morning, my sweet Simon.  What is in your heart, my son?

Simon:  Anxiety.  Not as much as I used to have.  I have let go of quite a bit.  But when something comes up where there is a “commitment” or “expectation” I get hypervigilant to make sure it is taken care of.

M:  I feel this has to do with the blog.  You know these are words you project onto it, right Simon?

S:  Yes, Mother.  I do.

M:  There is no shame in that, Simon.  You have a desire to help Christopher, but it does take away the sacredness of the blog.  It is not something to be “done”.  It is to be felt.  I will recommend to Christopher to check in with you every morning to feel you before writing the blog.

S:  Okay.  I don’t want to be the reason he is disconnected from his heart.

M:  You don’t have to take that on Simon.  You just need to be felt by Christopher.  You have no other obligation or duties.  This is not your responsibility any more.  How does that feel when I say that?

S:  It is weird.  I am so used to taking responsibility.  Of being in control to make sure everything turns out okay.

M:  Do you like how that feels?

S:  Not really.  It feels like a burden.  Geez, I am starting to sound like Nathaniel.

M:  What is it that prevents you from letting go?

S:  I feel like I need the kudos of doing a good job.  I guess I ultimately fear I won’t be loved.

M:  Do you really believe you won’t be loved by Christopher and others?

S:  Ugh!  I don’t know Mother!  I am so confused.  I want to let go but I can’t.  I know Christopher loves me.  He feels me everyday.  Why can’t I just let that be enough?  I am so tired of this Mother.  I need help.

M:  You just need love, Simon.  What are your needs?

S:  I want to stop staring at this computer screen every morning!  It just makes me feel like I am in work mode.  Like I turn into a computer when I use a computer.  I don’t want to feel like we HAVE to write a blog every day.  I know I put that on myself, old habits die hard.

M:  If that is what you need Simon, then so be it.  You are more important than a blog, my love.  As is Christopher, Nathaniel, Angela, and Peter.  If you feel it would help you to stop or postpone or take a day off of it, then let Christopher know.

S:  Really?  Won’t that make me undisciplined or lazy?

M:  Who would make you feel that?  Whose words are those?

S:  Um…I don’t know.  Mine, I guess.

M:  It is what you grew up with, Simon.  I want you to set those on fire!  Right now.

S:  You are scaring me a little, Mother.

M:  This is me loving you, Simon.  My love is gentle, but it is also passionate.  I love you so much that my heart bleeds when I hear those words that have been put into your heart.  You are a beautifully wonderful being.  You are far from undisciplined and lazy.  Were you undisciplined and lazy when you did all those hard jobs to support your family?

S:  No, Mother.

M:  Were you undisciplined and lazy when you went back to school to get a teaching credential?

S:  No, Mother.

M:  Were you undisciplined and lazy when you gave up your life so Christopher could grow into his?

S: No, Mother.

M:  There is my sweet Simon.  Your tears are so beautiful.  I love you so much.  As does Christopher and Jillian and Wayne and Kathleen.  You don’t need to prove a thing to anyone anymore, Simon.  You are free to just be.  Would you let me hold you in my arms, my love?

S: Yes, Mother.

…….

…….

M:  Your heart is so full of life, Simon.  It doesn’t need to be sequestered into a mold of someone else’s design.  Let your heart open into the love that is all around you.  You are done working, my son.  You are officially retired from that old life, those old words.  You are a part of something bigger than you.  You have always wanted that, Simon.  I remember those words coming from you.  Lean into that, Simon.  Lean into me, into Christopher, into your SoulFullHeart family.  That is real love.

S:  Thank you so much Mother.  I haven’t cried like that in a while.  I needed that.  I am sorry I couldn’t let your love in, Christopher.

Christopher:  Oh, Simon.  I know you were letting it in.  Otherwise, I don’t think you would have let in Mother’s.  I feel your heart with mine right now and it feels real good.

S:  Yes, it does.  I love you, Christopher.

C:  I love you too, Simon.  You are my best man and my co-pilot.

S:  I get a tux, too?

C:  Oh, yeah.  The ladies are going to have to take a number.

S:  I like the sound of that, actually.  ; )

C:  Good!  Me too!

     Thank you so much, Mother.  I learned a great deal from you about how to truly love someone.  I am grateful.

M:   You are so very welcome, my dear Christopher.  You are doing a very noble and courageous thing with your parts.  This is not easy to do and you are making it look easy.

C:  Wow.  Thank you.  It doesn’t feel like it most of the time.  I couldn’t do it without you or SoulFullHeart.

M:  You weren’t meant to.  Now go enjoy the sun, my two beautiful sons.  Specially created just for you.  ; )

C:  You’re the best.  : )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

30 Days With My Parts: Day 16 – Letting Go Of Duty, Healing Into Purpose

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Day 16

You have been through many painful and difficult times.  I feel how you need to be healed in those in order to pursue your new role as guide.  These are not easy to feel but it is necessary for both you and Christopher.   We have been together a long time and I desire us to choose a different path this life.  A different arrangement.  This will all unfold over time and as you heal.

Christopher-  Good morning, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel-  Morning, Christopher.  How are you this morning?

C:  I still feel a little sleepy, but I had a great sleep.  I feel a lot bouncing around in regards to the future.  I wanted to check in with you to feel more into what we discussed in our last post.

N:  The weight of the world?

C: Yeah.  Still holding it?

N:  Feels like I am somewhat.  There are times I just want to let go of this role of guide and just go to sleep like Angela.  She looked so peaceful.

C:  I can feel that.  There is a tiredness in your energy for sure.

N:  Feels like I have been doing this forever.  So much attention to guarding and being attentive to danger.  I have a pessimistic view of the future sometimes, if not most times.  I am so used to seeing humanity as a threat rather than an ally.  Hopeless rather than hopeful.

C:  Hard to feel energy for the future feeling that way, huh?

N:  Yeah.  I want to be a part of your awakening, Christopher. I am just in a transition right now.  Trying to feel my new role.

C:  What do you want that to be?

N:  Well, I know I don’t want to feel the burden of protection anymore.  But I have been doing it for so long.  I want to use my gifts of clairvoyance to help guide you along.  I want to be a part of tearing down the false structure that permeates this whole dimension.

C: I see you clutching your sword.  You feel like you want to go into battle.

N:  Part of your past lives.  Your soul has been a part of many noble battles to fight against tyranny.  I fought along side you.  Old habits die hard.

C:  Wow.  I can almost see them.  They don’t end well for me.

N:  No.  I feel your soul had enough of war and death.  I had enough of it.

C:  Do you feel what I am embarking on is like a battle?

N:  Like I said, old habits.

C:  Well, we can create new habits.

N:  I would like that.  I am weary of the futility of war.  I want to be a part of something different.  So much blood, pain, and fear.  All in the name of power and control.

C:  We can be a part of an army of love, Nathaniel.  We can’t hide and sleep though.  We must be awake and engaged.  We don’t have to take up the sword.  We will use the magic of the heart.  The Grace of Divine Love.

N:  I like the sound and feel of that.  That feels more natural to me, even though I haven’t felt it in a long time.

C:  You are not a fighter Nathaniel.  My soul chose that for its own reasons and you felt duty bound to protect.  You are seer.  A prophet.  A wise guide.  I have a warrior aspect, but that is not you.  I need your gifts to help me grow and help others heal.  That is how we defend against the tyranny of the false structure.

N:  This is beginning to sound like a movie.

C:  We are in it right now.  You are a supporting actor.

N:  I liked Gandalf in those Hobbit movies.

C:  Really?  Why?

N:  There is just something wise and powerful about him.  I like the staff instead of this sword.

C:  You can change that if you wish.  The sword belongs to the warrior anyway.  Give it to me and I will see that he gets it.

N:  That makes me feel a bit nervous, but I really don’t want this anymore.

C:  Hold this staff and see how it feels.

N:  Where did you get this?

C:  Amazon.  A Black Friday special.

N:  Huh?

C:  Nevermind.  A dense human joke.  How does it feel?

N:  I really like it.  I feel different just holding it.  I could get used to this.  Thank you so much, Christopher.

C:  You are so welcome, Nathaniel.  My soul thanks you for all the lifetimes of service and guarding.  I can feel it wants to talk to you.

N:  Uh…okay.  This is a twist.

C:  Let’s just go with it.

Soul:  Hello, Nathaniel.

N:  Hello, Soul.

S:   I wanted you to feel my love and gratitude for all you have meant to me.  You have been through many painful and difficult times.  I feel how you need to be healed in those in order to pursue your new role as guide.  These are not easy to feel but it is necessary for both you and Christopher.   We have been together a long time and I desire us to choose a different path this life.  A different arrangement.  This will all unfold over time and as you heal.

N:  Thank you, Soul.  I feel how this will take time for me to digest.  We have been through so much, you and I, even though we were never conscious of being separate.  It will be hard to go down that road but I can feel the benefit for both of us.

S:  Mother will be with us, Nathaniel.  She can help hold us through the darkness.

N:  I need to rest now, Soul.  So much to take in.

S:  I understand, Nathaniel.  Take all the time you need.  Thank you so much again, Nathaniel.  I am forever grateful to you.

N:  Thank you for that.  I am trying to let that in.

S:  More time.

Christopher:  We will check in later, Nathaniel.  Enjoy your staff.

N:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  I will.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

30 Days With My Parts: Day 15 – Weight Of The World

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Day 15

I just put it all on me.  This duty and obligation thing.  It feels like us daemons have been so isolated that it feels like we are all on our own. We have been so used to it that we have forgotten the reality that there are more of us with the exact same mission.

Christopher:  Good morning, Soul.  May we speak again?

Soul:  Of course we can.  I am not a part you have to check in with.  I am you.

C:  Right.  I am so used to doing that.  And it is still odd to be communicating with my soul.

S:  It is sad that you consider it odd.

C:  Yeah.  It is sad.  That feels like a conditioning from a part of me.  To a sacred human, communing with our soul is as natural as breathing.

S:  Yes!  Well said.  It is natural because we are one in the same as I mentioned before.  We just do this writing thing until we no longer have to do it.  Sooner or later we will be one.

C:  That feels exciting, yet my intuition tells me there is a lot of difficulty in that too.

S:  Well, just to the degree that you fight the current.  I can feel your neck tense again.  That could have something to do with it.

C:  That is what I wanted to talk to you about.  I just had a massage and it is back to being tense again.  What gives?

S:  What do you feel is going on?

C:  The obvious thing is that a part of me is digesting what is going on and is quite a bit nervous about how this is all going to “work out”.  I have been journaling with him and feeling his worry.  He expressed that if he felt a larger context then he might be able to breathe more.

S:  That larger context is more you?

C:  Yeah.  I feel that is why I am getting in touch with you.

S:  Have you talked with Nathaniel, your daemon?

C:  Not as much as I was.  I have been focused on Angela and Simon.

S:  I would suggest talking with him.  He could be feeling squeezed out.  Your direct connection to me is heavenly but you have an ally and a guide in Nathaniel.  He needs to be felt too.  I would try that and then we can talk.

C:  Okay.  I will do that.  Thank you, Soul.

S:  Thank YOU.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christopher:  Good morning, Nathaniel.  Is it okay to talk?

Nathaniel:  Sure.

C:  I am really sorry about not speaking with you lately.  I have been focused on Angela and Simon.  This is hard for me to keep in touch with everyone.

N:  I know, Christopher.  You have been so great with Angela.  I am comforted by that and also unsure as to where that leaves me.  You have this connection with the voice of your soul and so, what part do I play?

C:  I don’t know where to go with this, Nathaniel.  I don’t want to sideline you.  I feel you are an important part of this journey up ahead.  I need you with me.  I want you with me.  I am so sorry you feel purposeless.

N:  I need to feel purpose, Christopher.  Without it, nothing has meaning.  When I feel humanity, there is a purposelessness.  This leads to meaninglessness.  This leads to disconnection and eventually torment.

C:  What IS your purpose, Nathaniel?

N:  I don’t know anymore.

C:  Yes, you do.  Mother talked to you about it recently.

N:  She said I was a guide.

C:  Yes.  My guide.  What are you guiding me toward?

N:  Your true purpose, your destiny.

C:  What is that?

N:  To be a leader, a steward of a New Earth.

C:  Whoa.  That sounds like a big job.  A part of me feels overwhelmed.

N:  That would be me.  I can feel how I am taking ownership for making this happen.  My duty and responsibility.

C:  I don’t feel we were meant to do this alone all this life.  It feels to me that we can only live into that purpose day to day with an open and transparent heart.  I feel like we need to step that picture down a notch without losing the truth in it.  Not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

N:  I tend to see things in big pictures.  It can be a gift and a burden.

C:  Well if we feel when it is a burden together, we may be able to feel the gift in it.  Why does it feel like a burden?

N:  I just put it all on me.  This duty and obligation thing.  It feels like us daemons have been so isolated that it feels like we are all on our own. We have been so used to it that we have forgotten the reality that there are more of us with the exact same mission.

Mother:  You are so right, Nathaniel.  My heart weeps for you and the others.  There is so much you could all do together if you all knew each other.  A coming together of family.  Your daemon family.  But not just by yourselves, with your sacred humans.  All working and thriving together to foster a new consciousness on Earth.  I pray each day that this happens before it gets hard and difficult.  This may be the time it happens though.  You, Nathaniel, are a leader of your kind as well.  Christopher has his destiny as well as you.  But like Christopher said, you are not alone.  You have three others with you, dear one.  I am with you.  Father is with you.  Use us for your fear, frustration, and fire.  You have all that you need in abundance.  You just need to desire it, and it is yours.

N:  Thank you, Mother, so much.  I needed to hear this.  I want to heal this feeling of isolation and burden.  I want to be your Divine guide in the name of Love.  I want this not for glory, but for You and love itself.  I have some things to work on, Christopher, and I need your help.  I want us to be partners in this.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.

C:  Oh, Nathaniel.  You won’t be.  I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.  We have a lot of purpose to attend to, you and I, but it will not be done in isolation or in one big gulp.  We have had lifetimes together but separate.  This time we do it the way it was meant to be.  In a family of SoulFullHearts.

N:  That sounds Divine.

C:  More than we can possibly imagine.  : )

Soul:  Amen….

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

30 Days With My Parts: Day 14 – Double Helix of Spine and Heart

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

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Day 14

I can feel how so many women live under the fear of this tyranny.  Either fear of the man himself, fear of being alone, or both. They are taking their power and putting into something outside themselves.  And those that do claim their power back, turn it into hate for all men in general or become masculinized themselves.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.

Angela:  Good morning, Christopher.  You seem a bit distracted.

C:  Hmmm…yeah, a bit I guess.  I was feeling into your name and it reminds me of someone in my family.  When I say it or type it she pops into my head.  I feel that has happened because we have been talking about family.  I remember her being a sweet and caring woman who loves her children very much.  So this is nothing negative toward her, I just felt like asking you about a name change.

A:  Hmmm…how about Angelica?

C:  Wow, you’re good.  That is a beautiful name.  You are angelic to me, so that fits perfectly.

A:  Oh, Christopher!  I am going to cry already.  Thank you.

C:  : )  Angelica.  I love it!

A:  I remember this woman you speak of.  Yes, a caring heart with lots of love under the tyranny of male dominion.  I so want women to reject this!  I can feel how so many women live under the fear of this tyranny.  Either fear of the man himself, fear of being alone, or both.  They are taking their power and putting into something outside themselves.  And those that do claim their power back, turn it into hate for all men in general or become masculinized themselves.  There are so little healthy masculine/ feminine relationships for young boys and girls to relate to!

C:  You feel very passionate about this, Angelica.

A:  Yeah, I guess I do.  That felt good.

C:  I can feel how you were with me when I taught.

A:  Yes, I was.  I loved those cute kids.  I could feel how much they loved you, especially the girls.  You were such a gift to them, Christopher.  To be able to have a kind man in their life to help them experience there are good ones out there.

C:  Now, I am going to cry.  Thank you, Angelica.

A:   :  )   I could feel how the real education was needed in the hearts of their parents.

C:  So true.  That reminds me of Jillian’s writing with Mother on that same topic.  I feel such a strong leading edge in you, Angelica, but I was wanting to see about getting a bit vulnerable and feel some of your trailing edge, as we say in Soulfullheart.

A:  How so?

C:  I don’t know.  I was feeling something about the fear of men and the need to suppress femininity for survival.  Does anything come up around that?

A:  I remember in some of our first journaling, something came up around a past life experience of being persecuted for being female.

C:  How does it feel to go into that?

A:  I guess I can feel into it and let you know if it is too much.

C:  Okay.

A:  I see myself about my age now.  I am with other women, older and younger.  The young ones are terrified, so confused as to what is going on.  The elders are just as frightened.  But the rest of us hold the fear back to give them something to hold onto.  Something solid.  We are being surrounded by men on horses.  They are shouting at us that we are evil, disciples of The Great Satan.  We are taken captive and removed from our village.  It feels like horrible things happen after that and I don’t wish to go further.

C:  I understand.  Thank you for telling me this.

A:  I can feel that your soul may have chosen lifetimes of male incarnations after that to avoid the pain of a female life.  I am not sure, just an intuition.  I was very good at that it feels like.

C:  I don’t feel a hatred of men in you though.  The kind of hatred one would reasonably get from such experiences.

A:  I don’t like to hate, Christopher.  That is not a part of who I am.  I do have frustrations around patriarchal men.  They piss me off, but I don’t hate them.  That vibe reeks of “women are less than”.  Now that I say that, I do feel myself in a life, or lifetimes, where I constantly felt less than men.  In fear of their judgement and perception of me.  This is all so interesting to me now, Christopher.  To be a part of a loving man who helps me feel safe enough to heal these wounds.  How much we truly need each other.

C:  I was thinking the same thing as you were talking.  I can feel in the past my own fears of men and need to save my mother and protect my sister as YOU!  This is blowing my mind in the moment, but I want to be in my heart for you.

A:  Oh, Christopher.  I feel your heart.  It is blowing my mind too!

C:  I always felt different from other males in my life.  There was something different in me that I didn’t feel in them.  I felt like I was trying to figure out how to be male by copying them, their attitudes and desires.   In some ways it feels like you were trying to do the same to be liked by men.  This is all so weird in the moment.  Again, getting away from the heart.

A:  My heart tells me that there is some truth in all of that.  We are a lot more connected than we previously assumed.  Maybe I wasn’t asleep.  Maybe I was fused with you somehow in your subconscious.

C:  Whatever the case, you and I have a close connection and I want to heal this with you.  I want you to feel safe and loved as you have always wanted.  I want to feel my spine and your heart wrapped together in a double-helix.

A:  Swooning!  Yes, please!  Lol!

C:  Thank you for this today.  I am changed because of it.

A:  As am I, my prince.

C:  There it is.

A:  There YOU are.  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.