Author: Gabriel Heartman

By Christopher Tydeman

This picture was done during a time where a feeling of great despair had bubbled up within me.  I did not journal with it at the time and to do so now would be inauthentic and contrived.  However, I did feel a desire to share my process around the theme of this drawing.  Maybe as I write a voice may choose to be heard and felt if it felt safe enough to do so.  

There was an overall feeling of hopelessness that overcame me.  Like a black cloud that covers the sun that seems to go on forever.  I began this picture with the cloudy background to capture that feeling.  Next, came the road, or path, that I had found myself on.  “A road to God-knows- where in a hurry,” a part of me felt it was on.  Then, an intuition to make dark columns from the horizon up toward the heavens.  Foreboding monoliths towering over to suggest that there was no hope of salvation.   Lastly, I could feel my desire and passion being guarded, protected, quarantined,  or off limits.  A part of me felt it could not have what it truly wanted.   Enter despair.

This picture represents several parts of me all at once.  My inner sensitive, full passion, love, and sense of beauty.  My inner critic, with its perpetual barrage of criticisms, judgements, and punishments to keep my inner sensitive in a state of oppressive depression.  Then my inner muse.  My vision and creative energy.  My connection to the divine within and without.  A holy trinity, if you will.

The separation of a sensitive from its muse is part of a journey to remember what we, as artists, have always known ourselves to be.  Messengers, prophets, divine creators.  That comes with great reward as well as great pain.  To be open to such inspiration, one must be sensitive enough to receive it.  But that leaves the door open to much toxic energy and conditioning.  Through the course of one’s life, and even lives, these external influences can become internalized.  The inner critic is born.  But this part of us can be viewed as a “negative” to be combated and banished.  The emotional reality is that this part of us was developed to protect us from the pain our inner sensitive was too sensitive to digest.  By keeping constant surveillance on us, the inner critic is trying to keep us from being heart broken once again, even while it is breaking our own spirit in the process.

Before SoulFullHeart, my inner critic was a harsh self-punisher.  The bigger the desire, the harsher the punisher it seems.  But as I began to heal my punisher, it has softened to a critical voice.  Admittedly, I still feel some punishment but not as acute as in my past.  I am feeling my inner critic as my guide and keen protector of my inner sensitive.  Its voice is of my fathers, both biological and step.  They were just trying to do what they felt was best from their own experiences and conditioning to help me become successful and happy.  I am grateful for that, but it no longer serves me.  I am to be a father figure to my own inner sensitive.  To field the harsh criticisms and digest them between me and my inner critic, leaving my sensitive to be what it is meant to be…a receiver of divine beauty.

In this drawing, you will notice that there is space in between the bars.  There is opportunity.  There is a way in and through.  I will take the figure on the road by the hand and walk with him.  I will love the bars for what they truly are and in time they will come down to reveal my heart, my muse, and my gift to the world.

By Sequoia Heartman

Over the next few weeks, Sequoia Heartman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Sequoia says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com.

By Christopher Tydeman

The following dialogue is between me and my inner sensitive (Eli) around the images he drew above. In my blogyesterday I talked about the process of feeling how art can be a reflection of a part of us needing to be felt. Through facilitation, space between you and the part can be created. Through journaling, the part can be felt by you, the artist, and healing can begin. This is an ongoing dynamic and not a one shot deal.

Christopher: Hello, Eli. Would it be okay to talk about the drawings you made?

Eli: Sure. It’s okay.

C: Can you tell me what you were feeling when you made the one I shared in yesterday’s blog post?

E: It was a while ago, but I remember wanting to draw something, but I didn’t know what. I remember we talked about drawing the feeling of wanting to create but being blocked by a feeling of heaviness and a whirling sensation.

C: What is the heaviness?

E: It is a feeling of defeat and despair  that I can’t draw. I don’t know what to draw. Even if I had an idea I am not talented enough to make it look the way I want. It feels depressing when I really want to create. It is like a gray cloud that comes over me.

C: Hence the charcoal.

E: Yeah. Charcoal gives the feeling of despair and depression.

C: What was the whirling feeling?

E: Just this voice barraging me with all the reasons why I can’t create, whether it is around practical things or lack of ideas or skills. The swirl leads to the feeling of depression. Like I can’t do anything about it. I am defeated.

C: So this voice comes in and blows out your flame?

E: Yeah. Sort of like that. It dampens it for sure.

C: But it doesn’t go away completely.

E: No. I guess not. I still feel desire in me to create.

C: Of course you do, Eli. It is your essence to create. That can’t be denied when it is what makes you, you.

E: But the voice seems insurmountable. Like I am trying to push against a large building that won’t move. I feel hopeless and I just give up.

C: Is that the feeling in today’s picture?

E: Yeah. It is.

C: What is the rain about?

E: Just that feeling of being dampened.

C: I see cracks in the building and a light around the corner.

E: Yeah. I don’t know why they are there.

C: I think you do. What do they feel like to you?

E: Well, I feel like the building is getting old. It is ready to fall down.

C: Maybe the part of me that feels immovable may actually show some signs of vulnerability and movement.

E: Hmmm. Maybe.

C: What about the light?

E: Feels in the moment that it could be hope. Or maybe my desire that is always “just around the corner”. One in the same I guess.

C: I like the feeling of that.

E: Me too.

C: What is this drawing trying to tell you now?

E: Hmmm…maybe it is telling me that I don’t have to push against this big building anymore. That all I need to do is leave that to you and head toward the light of my passion and desire.

C: You can put an umbrella there, Eli, so as to not burn out your flame. I will be that for you.

E: I would like that a lot, Christopher. Thank you. I am tired of feeling this way.

C: I know you are, Eli. I can feel that. You need some protection from the reign of criticism. That is my job.

E: I believe you. Thank you for being there for me.

C: You are so welcome, Eli. Thank you for your beautiful heartwork.

E: Don’t you mean artwork?

C: Nope.

E: Ooooh! I get it. Very clever.

C: I thought so. : )

Over the next few weeks, Christopher Tydeman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Christopher says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

By Christopher Tydeman

Over the next few weeks, I will be vulnerably sharing works of art that I have created that reflect my inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.  Check out my previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series.

We have all heard the term “inner critic”. The voice inside us that showers us with a litany of reasons why we can’t do this or that. Why we are not good enough, talented enough, skilled enough, or attractive enough to be or have the things in life that bring us joy and passion. It is the buzz kill, the saboteur, that knocks us off our cloud nine. This part of me has been with me a long time. As I have slowly become more conscious of him, I have experienced the voice at almost every minute of my day. It is enough to drive you mad if you let it…and I have come close. Even as I write this, I can feel something around me, watching me, checking to see if I am being clear, using proper grammar and spelling, or wondering if I am just wasting my time.

Another part of me begins to wonder if he is right. “Maybe this is a waste of time. Who really cares about this? Am I really qualified to be doing something like this? Will I just be laughed at and be considered crazy?” Those questions are being fed to inner sensitive parts of me that have had no protection against the chaos of criticism…until now. Through the SoulFullHeart healing process, I am beginning to create a space between my inner critic and my inner sensitives. The art that is made helps bring much needed relief to the holding of this critical energy, which can be quite potent when left unfelt by me as the centered self.

This critical voice can begin as a small judgment from something I would normally consider routine such as making coffee. But if that part is up, a simple act, such as spilling, can turn into a bite or a lashing out. “You idiot! Can’t you do anything right?” Ouch. If I don’t hold this and be with that kick, my other parts get kicked. The energy stirs up rage, hurt, anxiety, shame, control, and depression. It is like a rolling snowball. The criticism is left unabated, and it permeates my being. Inside I am a torrent of critical chaos. This is what my drawing above represents. This is what my emotional terrain feels like to my parts when I am not home amidst the storm. This picture was a call for help from my parts. “We don’t know how to handle this part of you, Christopher. We need you!” is what it tells me. Now, in the moment I made the picture I didn’t really feel that. I was just expressing what it felt like in my emotional body at the time. I didn’t have the image in my mind when I started it. It evolved and presented itself. I just let my hand and heart do the work. I later was able to digest this with my facilitators, Jillian and Wayne, and they were able to feel what was happening because they were outside it and could feel it with their clear hearts. This is the power of facilitation.

So there is this “Ah-ha!” moment. I could see and feel what was being brought to me. A reflection of myself back to me. But that is only the beginning. I don’t want this violence inside me to continue. I don’t want my parts to get thrown into the blender again. It is not to say it may not happen again, but if I am not engaging in feeling the pain of my inner critic, it will persist indefinitely. I can try a heavy dose of positive thinking reframes and rewiring strategies, but that is still ignoring this part of me and will only lead to hurting him even more. The next part of the process is to dialogue with this part of me to feel the pain behind the energy. Giving him the space to be heard and felt by me, a safe container, not a mortal enemy. If I come at this part with the energy of exorcising him, he will only dig in more and tell me to go fuck myself. I wouldn’t blame him. But at the same time, I must be challenging as well as loving.

I feel parts of me not sure where this will go, but there is a real need and desire for them to feel my presence with this inner critic. Taking the “heat”, so to speak. I could only do this once I felt more separated from the feeling of despair that arose out of the criticism. The first step was to create, even amidst the heaviness. I would say especially in the midst of the heaviness. The next step was to be felt by another heart-opened other to feel me and my parts and give reflection and guidance. Now is the step of what is called differentiation, where I and the energy of the part are not fused together, but have a bit more separation. I can feel some resistance from this part of me and will need to negotiate any sharing of journaling that would arise out of this artwork. As with any new, unknown adventure what happens next is a mystery until it isn’t. Stay tuned….

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

By Christopher Tydeman

I have received three callings. A calling to heal, a calling to create, and a calling to serve. My healing has taken the form of journaling and sessions through my way of life called SoulFullHeart. For years I have felt a desire to reclaim my passion for art, whether it be visual or written, as I share in this previous blog post. I have done much writing, and the visual is beginning to reemerge. The connection with parts of ourselves, which is the bedrock of SoulFullHeart, is made possible through our imagination. Parts of me send pictures to express deep joy and pain. Sometimes words can’t quite express a feeling tone as efficiently and dramatically as a picture. The process of creation itself is a healing, in and of itself. But it doesn’t stop there.

 It was only a natural to feel the power of integrating healing with art. And by art I don’t mean just visual. Poetry and music can also deeply lead us to places we feel deep woundings. These creations reflect back to us, like a mirror, an aspect of ourselves. A part of us that desires to be felt, even if it feels defensive or resistant. I would say the more resistive, the more desire there is to be felt.

The world is full of beautifully tragic creations of art. Someone’s vulnerability outed for the world to see. As I feel this with my Soulfullheart, it feels like a part being prostituted for attention or profit by another part. This pArt (I use this as an integration of the part of us behind the art) dangles on the walls of galleries, or in the cloud of the virtual world. What I would love to feel is an intimate dynamic between the artist and their art BEFORE this occurs. The art becomes a doorway into feeling rather than just a reflection to ponder. It is a gateway to a part of you that needs to felt by you. This pArt can hold a range of congested trauma with symptoms of depression, rage, anxiety, hurt, control, or shame. While there is relief from expressing these emotions, by not “going in” to them, they persist without healing into a more healthy frequency.

I have no experience with art therapy, but can see how what I have described must sound like it. I prefer to call it Healing Art, in the most literal sense. It is a process of you, your art, and a facilitator, someone who provides a safe container for your pArt to be felt by them and you. This is a self-authorizing process. You and your parts determine the depth and pace of your healing. But this is not some meandering and disconnected process. There are fenceposts. Places to go and grow, only to find more places to go and grow.

I am beginning my own Healing Art. I will be sharing these along with any journaling that comes from them. They are my mirrors and doorways. They are sacred to me and will only be shared after fully felt by me. I will be feeling the parts of myself that hold my inner critic, my inner muse, and inner sensitive. I am also going to be hosting an introductory talk about accessing these parts of ourselves through engaging with art in my local area Sunshine Coast, BC, Canada.

 I feel it important to express that this is meant for anyone, not just those who consider themselves “artists”. At our essence we are creation, so we are by birthright creative. You just need your heart and your passion to heal yourself and the world. The feeling of disqualification comes from our inner critic ultimately protecting us from pain. I know I feel my inner critic up as I write this and prepare for this unfolding, unknowable journey. I have some healing to do with this part. This is where I begin. I am curious to feel where this takes me…and maybe you?

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.