by Kalayna Solais
I harvested some photos from an old Facebook account the other day, at the request of a part of me that you’ll hear about in a moment. The last time I used this account was when I was 25 and walking into it feels like walking into my teenage bedroom, my dorm at university, and all of my ‘first apartments’ I lived in. There’s a treasure trove there of past romantic and would-be romantic connections, creative endeavours, and friendships that my parts then thought were very deep.
This ‘self’ I used to live in, the ‘me’ part of me was constructing, vibrates with so much need to be seen, heard, felt… loved. There was so much performance and not just creatively. There was so much energy around who these parts of me thought they needed to be, what they needed to look like, how they needed to act in order to draw a guy’s attention, to get ‘picked’ for a gig, to become the healer I was driven to be from a very young age, to fit in yet stand out.
Underneath all of that, lies so much sadness. So many feelings of ‘I’ll never make/have it’ despite doing ‘the work’ that I was told then I needed to do.
Underneath all of that, lies so much loneliness. Feelings of ‘I’ll never be loved the way I want to be’ and choosing to try and become a fun party girl and sleep with whoever came into my field for that evening, to feel somehow validated and seen and like people actually did want to be around me…
The ‘me’ I see, the ‘self’ I feel as I share that, is my Inner Teenager who was essentially uninitiated into true femininity and womanhood. Who learned from media pressures what it would take to become anything at all with any real presence in the world, and therefore, what it would take to be loved and to feel like she belonged.
Her name is Katie. And this was the name I went by for all those formative years in my birth family, in early adulthood, and when I first began my SoulFullHeart journey.
Katie struggled with feeling like the ‘Black Sheep’, as have other young parts of me. She felt this way, always, with birth family. She often felt this way too among other young women but also with young men. I haven’t had many relationships with men or close friendships with women my own age. It was very painful for this part, for my awakening Star Seed and Inner Child self too, to really feel any sense of deep connection or belonging with the crowd.
Katie tried many things to cope with these feelings, but none of it ever felt like her… the emptiness and depression remained. When I feel into those ‘Katie’ years, I feel such a soul lineage coming through, of being sometimes the youngest of women in a group, tribe, community of healers and priestesses, or a young, budding, feminine being that couldn’t quite find the initiation she was seeking into true womanhood and Sacred Union, though she so longed and ached for that! It almost feels as if I/Katie would have been diagnosed as manic depressive at the time. The highs were SO high but the lows were nearly catastrophic.
The ‘Black Sheep’ feelings now feel to me like an ache for initiation that our souls actually know very well, for better or worse. The answer to that has to start within and keep coming back to what isn’t happening yet within… the space that isn’t being taken to really feel and honour who you ARE in all the breadth and depth and textures of that. It’s a deep journey of finding the answer to that ache more and more within your Metasoul and in relationship to your parts. Self-initiation, self-belonging, becomes the focus and the desire and also the reality even as you may be drawing resonance and belonging, finally, on the outside.
This is still an ongoing journey for everyone, it feels like, until the veils of separation really vanish for good. It ultimately feels like a pain of ‘not belonging’ with the Divine and a deep desire to move beyond duality. There’s no one person or being outside of us that can do this work for us. Just us being dedicated to ourselves and to being with every single step of this sacred journey back into oneness.
Katie agrees!And is grateful for your heart and soul taking all of this in… 😀
Much love! ❤
Kalayna Solais is a Love Ambassador, SoulFullHeart Women’s Facilitator & collaborator, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.