Category: Birth Family Relationships

A SoulFullHeart Birthday

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Cristian Tydeman

When I was a kid, my birthday was a day in which, for one 24 hour period, I was the star.  I took center stage and everyone else was my supporting cast.  It felt good to be recognized and acknowledged for just being me.  So much so, that I remember telling people it was my birthday, just to receive those accolades.  A cheesy grin would be painted on my face.  “If it could only be like that every day, for everyone,” says my young Christopher part.  Words of angelic desire, from the lips of a child.

As I got older, the feeling around my birthday was that it was “just another day”.  I appreciated the phone calls, the cards, and the gifts, but somehow the magic just wasn’t there anymore.  Or I just couldn’t let it in.  The focus of the birthday became the number and not the pats on the back and the sweet cards from my daughter.  Somewhere along the way, I didn’t feel I was worth it.  Or at least a part of me didn’t.

This is hitting me pretty hard in the moment.  This feeling that, out of all the days during my life, a part of me couldn’t let in love for that ONE day.  A part of me couldn’t enjoy the beauty and joy around him.  The same letting in that I allowed as a child.  I had become desensitized to my own heart.

But this birthday was different than any other.  Today I let in the love from those that I love the most.  So much so, I found myself crying in the middle of my classroom as I read emails from my new SoulFullHeart family.  My young Christopher, wanting so desperately to be with them and eat cake and ice cream and be sung to.  “No gifts, Cristian, just love, please,” is the only thing he can say with tears in his eyes.

The tears are of longing and ache to be there with them, but also of letting go.  Letting go of the family he used to spend his birthdays with.  The birth family where the birthday memories began.  Yeah, we got cards and a gift from them.  There is love behind them that we acknowledge and are grateful for.  But it is not the “love” that neither I nor he desire.  It is a “love” for an old me.  The sentiment being sent was that “no matter who you are we still love you.”  It seems like a sweet gesture, but that is not good enough anymore.  I am not swayed by guilt anymore.  I want a family who will feel me AND my parts. I want a family who will shower my young Christopher with love and praise.  I want a family who will lovingly challenge us without the bite of criticism, judgment, or faithlessness.  I want a family who I have a common ground with.  A family we can learn from and respect by their own example.  I choose a SoulFullHeart family.

I am grateful for all my birth family provided for me.  They are why I am here, becoming who I am.  I drew them for a reason, and my time with them has been completed, at least for the short term.  If they so choose to go into their own hearts, and heal their own shadow, I would be there greeting them with open arms.  Until then, this may be my last birthday in contact with them.  Hence, the tears.

On the flip side, there is newness.  A re-birth, if you will.  The uncovering and discovering of the REAL me.  The ME that has been repressed and suppressed for far too long.  The ME that is the head of this household I call my SFH Self.  The ME that is the space-holder and lover of all my parts, especially my dearest Christopher.  They have a new father to lean into.  A new family to be supported and guided by.  As for me, I have a new love blossoming and a new NOW to create with her.  I have a rekindled love affair with the Divine in all Her beauty and grace.

Hello everyone.  Today is my first birthday and my name is Cristian.

Note from Jillian: I made this photo collage for Cristian to celebrate the day of his birth and his emerging birth into himself. Seemed appropriate for this post.:)

Cristianbirthday2

Offering An End To Seeking Approval From Family

Published on by Kasha Rosa3 Comments

By Kathleen Calder

One of the hardest things to digest is disconnect from family. It’s not a secret that in North America and some other cultures as well there is a huge emphasis on what essentially boils down to “staying together for the kids”. The term “kids”, in the case of this writing of mine today, refers mostly to the young parts within each of us. I have put myself into some very dishonest places within my family for the sake of keeping everything peaceful and not causing any sort of upset. My feeling about doing this is that it has led me to a sort of “caretaker” role and actually created a lot of co-dependency between myself and other family members. Likewise, I have been the one on the receiving end of the caretaking and as a result I have felt such an intense pull to find approval with family members that aren’t even my birth mom.

The question I’m exploring today is, what is it about our need for “mom’s approval” that keeps us clinging to unhealthy relationships? It’s easy enough to try and take this on a purely psychological trajectory, but I’d like to actually explore this in a SoulFullHeart (heart-based) kind of way.

Since realizing all of the unhealthy aspects of my relationship with my own mother a number of months ago, I have also noticed the unhealthy ways in which I have tried to let others in as surrogate moms, even people the same age as me, at times. It’s funny how the same personality traits appear in just about every woman who tries to mother me in some way…right down to the things they choose to worry about (including me). This has led to me seeking approval from them subconsciously. If I wasn’t in constant contact with my young parts, I wouldn’t be able to put my finger on why  I’m feeling triggered in a given moment or what it is about someone that seems to rub me the wrong way. When unhealthy relationship pieces have been felt out once, they have been realized by your consciousness and that makes it easier to recognize and take note when the same circumstances happen again. Without this mechanism in place, it would be that much harder for me to know how to cope with certain people that I draw into my life.

The danger with choosing to separate from your family, especially your mother, is that your young parts will draw in others to substitute for them in your life if you aren’t in active dialogue and feeling with them. When I first asked my mother for space I didn’t do this actively enough. Sure, I already had a relationship with my young parts that was juicy and beautiful, but I didn’t work diligently enough at the time to keep feeling into their deepening reactions to the “mom” situation. As a result I drew a lot of substitute caretakers who would speak to and treat me as if I was my young parts. They had a hard time seeing me as an autonomous young adult and especially had a hard time taking in that I was 25 years old and not still in my teenage years or even my early 20’s.

Realizing this now, I feel more compassionate and appreciative towards them and their efforts to love me the only way they knew how…which happens to be the same reasons why I have had to ask my mom to not be in relationship with me, at least until she can start to show up for herself and her own young parts so that I no longer feel like I have to. The same goes for the rest of my family. I feel I have more than done my part with regards to uncovering a more adult, heart-centred me that can be in deep, vulnerable, heart-based relationships with other adult, heart-centred selves. Of course I am still working this piece, and, you know what? Asking for sovereignty from my family and even being as forthright as I’m being in this writing is all evidence of that.

I can sense how this could easily cause uproar with moms everywhere. I do not mean any disrespect to the role of “mother”. I am very grateful for where my relationship with my mom has led me, even if it has resulted in fallout. None of this has been easy for me to take in and digest and I want to express that from the bottom of my heart. I simply had to feel my way into leaving the nest completely and I know that despite protestation from a part or parts of you, somewhere within you that need of mine will land. We have all felt it or will feel it eventually in some way, shape or form whether it’s in relationship to your immediate family or even your work family. You have my love, support and respect for whatever you sovereignly decide to do when these feelings come up for you on your own journey.

Visit SoulFullHeart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Healing Process.

Heart-To-Heart Knowing

Published on by Kasha Rosa2 Comments

By Katie Calder

I invite you to take a moment and think about this: when was the last time that you managed to sit across from someone and feel into knowing them, to know their heart and how it operates, maybe even how and why it resonates with yours?

We assume we know someone because we grew up with them in our family or they’ve been our friend for years…but how often have we said once emotions are heightened, “wow, I don’t actually know this person at all”. I offer from my own heart-centered feelings that we go through our lives only thinking that we know someone. If we lived in our hearts we would feel the need to feel their hearts on a deeper level that transcends simply knowing facts or stories about those in our lives.

The majority of my family only knows stories about me. The key word is “know”…not “feel”. I imagine that if they allowed themselves to “feel” stories about me instead they would receive a lot more information about who I am than they have up until now. I do not fault them for their error for I’ve done the same to them. There are a lot of wounds that I still feel within my relationship to them that keep parts of me from wanting to reach out and offer this new way of being together and getting to know each other all over again on a much deeper level. A part of me feels that she does want me to waste any energy on them, for they wouldn’t try to do the same for me. There is a lot of assumption that they won’t “get it” and unfortunately I do feel that she is right…at least for now.

When I lost my father in January of 2011, it sent a huge ripple through my family and therefore through my life. It was my first year living in Vancouver and I had to promptly return to Ontario for a couple of weeks to be with my family. Thinking back on it now, the best and worst moments I had, happened when I could sit and cry and curse as loudly as I wished to a loving cousin who seems to “get me” the most. Being allowed to be fully in an emotion, no matter what the cause is a huge gift and one that we do not offer each other often enough…and seldom ever outside of crisis situations like the loss of a friend or family member.  What I realize now that I have been on my own SFH journey, is that one of the greatest gifts we could ever give another human being is to sit and be with them in vulnerability and emotion, no matter how raw the experience. If only I had been doing this “parts” work by then, I would have taken the time to mourn with each of my realized parts and helped them through it while no one else in my family could. Perhaps I still need to do that. In fact, I feel I should. There are many unresolved and unhealed aspects of my relationship with my father and they all shake and quiver in response to that in their own way.

The truth is, not allowing each other to live heart-centred and feeling-based lives robs each of us of a huge gift – truth and authenticity. I feel it is virtually impossible to step into your best, fully-realized self unless your feelings are felt out by those who love you. How can one grow into the magnificent human being they are meant to become if they are constantly emotionally neglected? It is like ignoring a child for most of their child-years and expecting them to still grow into fully-functioning adults with no major social or self-esteem issues. We need to stop telling people who are “depressed” that they need to medicate in order to feel better. We need to stop telling people that reframing their thinking and becoming more “positive” is the answer. Positivity will come and depression will be relieved with love, care and empathy. Unfortunately it seems that in a society that doesn’t believe in processes and allowing things to take time in order to grow and change properly, we will always be looking for a the “quick fixes” like meds and turning your thoughts around, even at the protestation of your parts that need to be held and felt before they can feel better.

The idea of leading with vulnerability is a daunting one and I can tell you from personal experience that it is one of the most difficult things to do. I’m still getting the hang of it and it’s definitely not something we are meant to one day do perfectly, of course. Or could it be that this is one of those many instances where it’s appropriate to say that  doing it imperfectly in fact means that you are doing it perfectly after all? I like that idea.

In love, vulnerability and support for your own SFH journey,

~ Katie

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.