Category: Change and Transformation

The Living Unknown

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

roadunknown

By Christian Tydeman

As I ended my last blog entry months ago, I was driving away with a new sense of vitality and direction.  I had made a leap of faith.  Well, things did not turn out as “planned”.  While there was awareness that anything could change, a part of me assumed that it would be a while if it did.  How quickly life can change when you are living the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. 

As I settled into my new surroundings, parts of me were still a bit traumatized by the sudden transition.  I could not quite feel grounded in my new “home”.  This took a toll on my relationship, as I just could not “show up” the way she desired and deserved.  There were other factors on both of our sides, but I choose not to elaborate on them here.  Eventually, we completed our time together and were both led to the “unknown”.  What now?

A part of me thought about leaving and starting a new life somewhere else.  Actually, he still does.  I felt it would be running away and denying all that I had come to realize about why I was here in the first place.  I was here to get to know myself without the distractions of my old life.  Here, I am “unknown”.  I was used to responding to the needs and passions of others.  Now, I am responding to my needs and my desires.  They are very small in the moment, but it is a start.

While all this happening, I have a part that is very anxious of the future.  He has been so used to planning and strategizing a path to knowingness.  To “know” builds a sense of security even though there really is no such thing.  It is a perception, an illusion of safety that helps him to feel comforted.  This is what most of us tend to do with our lives.  Build a construct, a castle if you will, so that parts of us can be okay with our existential fear of not knowing a damn thing.  It is a scary place, and I don’t blame them for doing so.  However, the castle is made of sand, and eventually will get swept away, this life or the next.

Do I have any clue what happens next?  Not really.  I have some thoughts and feelings.  While the open road is full of possibility and adventure, it is also lonely and scary.  But I feel this is what I signed up for.  To be living in the unknown.  I can have a general desire for my future, but it is just a marker, a place to drive and see what happens.  I can spend my time worrying about what “may” lie ahead.  I can spend my time trying to “figure out” how I got here.  Or I can be in this moment, feeling all that I am feeling, and making small steps into The Living Unknown.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life

Message From Mother Mary: Heal Your Inner Wounded Child In My Embrace

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

Mother Mary

By Jillian Vriend

I’ve now shared the messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.

Mother Mary represents the West direction; left and yin side; the cleansing and purifying qualities of Autumn; and the active time before the stillness of winter comes. She wears a light blue cloak and has long, brown hair.  Rather than feeling Mary as literally a virgin as fundamentalist religions portray Her, I have experienced Her as holding the essence of purity and innocence for us so we can feel it as a reflection of our sacred human essence. In Her, I most feel what I call the “Divine Mother”, although all face of the Mother hold frequencies of this. It was with Mary’s support and strength that I have taken needed space in relating with my birth mother. I felt that the degree that I was holding on to a false mother relationship was the degree that I couldn’t let the Divine Mother in at deeper levels. I feel that the Divine Mother calls us to be willing to give up any falseness in our relationships and medicating realities for phases of time that parts of us are clinging to that no longer nourish and serve our growing SFH self.

Mary offers us a possibility and template of our own purity, our Divine child essence, a reclaiming of this essence and our birthright as Her and the Divine Father’s daughter or son. For women, She offers a template of authentic compassion and care, beautiful and comforting love, and a capacity to feel others and ourselves without defensiveness and with healthy protective boundaries in place. For men, She offers a womb of clean motherly love with complete dedication without smothering, a support of male strength and leadership, and an encouragement for the man to embrace his feminine side. Here is a recent message I received from the Mother Mary about 2013 and the state of the world:

You are my children, suffering. I am your mother, weeping.

I open my arms to you. Come inside them and rest your head on my chest. Feel my cloak around you keeping you warm and safe.

I feel how you are hurting and in pain. I’ve felt this for so long inside of you and it hurts me too. I forgive you for this pain even as I offer to you that you can move beyond it. That you can heal beyond it. I do not know if you will and I cannot make you do anything you don’t want to do, nor would I want you to.

Yet, if you could see and feel the world as I do! You can stay in my embrace, just open your heart to feel. That’s it.

I see a man with a gun and I can feel the child inside of him, the wounded son who never felt loved or cared for by his father or mother.

I see a woman lying on her back for money and I can feel the wounded daughter in her who only got attention for her physical appearance.

I see a gang of men raping a woman and I can feel the wound from past lives of both persecuting and being persecuted.

I see a person who hunts without conscience and I can feel the parts of them who feels hunted by life, trapped and unable to change.

I see a company without morals and focused only on profit and I can feel the closed off hearts of the people who run this company, unable to feel themselves or others.

This is some of what I see when I look into the heart of any man or woman. I feel the wounded child inside. The innocent core too. The purity and the goodness that is often buried deep. I feel their sacred humanity that is waiting to bloom. Waiting for water of love, compassion, and feeling.

This is what I see and feel about you, my sacred human children, and this is why I can forgive you for where most of you are now. I forgive, yes, and yet I ache for you to embody what your capacity is. I ache for you to grow up with your childlike innocence intact. I ache for you to feel my arms around you always and not forget anymore that I am there. I ache for you to forgive yourselves, for this life and many lifetimes. I ache for you to heal, to heal with and in love, and to offer healing with love to others too.

You can stay here, in my arms, as long as you need to. I am always here. I cannot and will not leave you, even if you do not let me in or see me or receive me.

I love you and all that you are, even the darkest of sides of you, and I will always and forever,

Your Mother

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life. To read more about conscious connection with the Divine Mother, In The Arms Of Mother, a book by Jillian Vriend, is available in e-book or the print edition through lulu.com.

The Cliff: A Journey Of Love, Faith, And Courage

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cliff1

By Sequoia Heartman

The line upon which I stood was clear in relation to the expansive depth. A part of me just saw an endless void. My daemon knew better. What is to fear when you have wings? As the rocks began to crumble under the weight of my heavy heart and a mirror placed in front of me by my mate, a decision had to be made. Do I continue to placate the fear that a part of me has always succumbed to or do I lay claim to my arising authentic self? When you feel your true desire in relation to what has been constructed for the sake of safety and predictability, there really is no choice but the one that honours life and love. In the words of Carl Jung, “If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.”

So, I did. I resigned from a 12-year teaching career. In the middle of a school year. Who does that? Not many. The part of me that had built this cardboard kingdom, Chris, was terrified not just of the financial impact, but also the perception of others and how they would respond to me.

“What are you thinking?” asks Chris.

“I’m not thinking actually. I’m feeling,” I say back to him. This would be my response to those who asked me the same question.

“I hope you know what you are doing,” he retorts back.

“Well, I may not know exactly what I am ‘doing,’ but I know what I am being. Honest with my heart, true to myself, and in surrender to the Divine presence in my life. I am following Love.” He wasn’t really convinced and had moments of kicking at me. I had set fire to his kingdom, why shouldn’t he be upset? However, there was no more negotiating on the same ground he has been walking on for years. Time to negotiate on new ground. With my authentic self in the driver’s seat, he has become my adviser to all things practical. And, dammit, if he isn’t good at it.

My decision sent shock waves through my whole school community. To many, it was a breath of fresh air. Something that a part of them wishes they could do. It was inspirational without having to risk anything. These parts could live vicariously through me, dream for a bit, and then ultimately go back to work. For others, it was a reaffirmation of their passion and dedication to a career they felt they were destined for. And some just completely disagreed with me. A part of them needed to protest in order to feel better about their own decision to stay stuck. These “unusual” decisions shake the foundations of the false self and cause a myriad of reactions. But, above all, these actions question the reality that the false self has created in defense of our authentic being.

The days that followed were surreal. Half in, half out. Telling my students was the hardest part. How to let them know the person they spend most of their days with would no longer be there to welcome them at the door. “Lead with your heart and the rest will follow,” said the Divine Mother. So, I did. In a circle of love, I told them of my decision to follow my heart. With their mouths agape in shock, I encouraged them to express all they were feeling or would eventually feel, whether it was sadness, anger, or maybe even joy. It was important they knew it was all real and all right for them to feel, whatever their reactions were.

Most of what I received from them was sadness that I would be gone, but also happiness that they got to be in my classroom while they did. To leave these cherubs was the hardest part of all. It made me realize that children hold a special place in my heart, just not in the role of classroom teacher. They are all Mother’s children, and when you feel their hearts, it is easier to feel their purity and goodness.

As for the staff, I was gifted with heartfelt reflections and support. These people had become my second family in dedication to our students and in genuine friendship. Another difficult piece to let in and let go of. So much love that I had had to let it in in stages. Pictures of the past 12 years flooded my mind and made their way to my heart as tears of joy, sadness, frustration, love, and fear fell and broke the dam wide open. These were not your ordinary co-workers. They were brothers and sisters to a part of me. They will be dearly missed.

So, now what? Well, I am letting my heart lead. A new kingdom takes time to rebuild. It takes faith and courage. I have both, I just  need my parts to trust me and my Daemon. The only way that happens is to feel them when they need to be felt. For my Chris part, this will be a daily dialogue. He needs to know that he is part of this new kingdom, even if his old one didn’t stand. As for my Erick part, he is ready to run with the bulls in Barcelona. I clearly will have to negotiate THAT one. My young Christopher just wants to have some fun and not be so serious. They all have different needs and desires. It is my role as my SFH self to show up for all of them.

The cliff is behind me and I have landed on the other side. The road is wide and infinite. Anything is possible. I have a new life with a new love. This time, I am in the driver’s seat and I’m not letting go of the wheel.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more articles and information.

Entering and Leaving: In The Birth Canal

Published on by Raphael Awen2 Comments
Photo By Wayne Vriend
Photo By Wayne Vriend

By Wayne Vriend

Mike, whose energy reminded me of a slick Amway promoter, was the recently hired Western Canada Regional Manager for a company boasting to be the largest of its kind in Canada. While driving home, I reluctantly picked up his call after having just pulled up stakes mid way through on a paint job for this company. This is something that I had never even thought of doing in my previous 23 years long subcontracting relationship with the company.

Earlier in the day, I had decided and informed the company that I would not complete a big deadline job unless some reasonable payment was made. I also made this decision after hearing that many other subcontractors and even material suppliers were getting paid very late. Due to this, the job was poorly coordinated, running behind, and contained an energy of chaos, anxiety, and disconnect.

“Hi Wayne, it’s Mike. I also have Darren on the line,” he said, in a voice too loud, too smooth, and too enthusiastic for the situation.  “I said to Darren, let’s get Wayne on the line and see if we can clear this up. I think your invoices just have some dates confused in our system and that should take care of things.”

I sighed inwardly at his assumption. “No, Mike, I checked all of our invoices over carefully with your accounting department months ago. They are correct in your system and they do, in fact, go back over 4 months”

Then, he changed his tack. Softening his voice a little, he said, “Wayne, I’m going to see if I can get you all of this money from our treasury department right away. It may take me a few days though. Would you be willing in the meantime, in good faith in our company, to continue so we can get these people moved back into their home?”

It wasn’t so easy to find my words inside of this barrage of tones and words: a promise to go and get my money from the difficult and elusive treasury department; an appeal to my sense of good faith; and care for others: getting the homeowners moved back into their home.

I managed to find my response after fumbling at first around with my words. “No, MIke, I’m not comfortable with that and it just doesn’t feel self loving to do that. It’s been several broken promises.”

The job was going sideways fast anyway. Material suppliers, subcontractors and employees alike waiting on the sidelines for a corporate nation-wide general contracting company and it’s opaque layers of management and hedge fund ownership to find some heart and soul, and actually lead, or actually care.

When the Titanic hit the iceberg a 101 years ago, there were two precious hours of choice and action time before it finally sunk to the bottom of the ocean. The gravitational pull of denial, and buying into the status quo answer of ‘this ship is unsinkable’, were in fact what caused a much greater loss of life. Those who came to their senses early in the first hour made all the difference, for themselves and for others.

We are in such a time. It is evident wherever you look. My story from this week is not unique.

Our grand capitalist systems; our social systems; our religious and spiritual systems: these that are so dear to our false selves and have enjoyed such huge buy ins from so many, for so long; all these have struck an iceberg. These systems, that once felt so much like home, that animated us, are now in slow motion collapse. Make no mistake, as Captain Smith said so plainly in the movie in response to Rose’s inquiry about their fate; ‘The ship will sink.’

It gets real clear, on a sinking ship, once you’ve accepted what moments ago felt unbelievable even to you, that your first responsibility is to save lives, including your own. What are you choosing today? What are you trusting in today? How do you propose to care for anyone else while denying your first responsibility; to truly care for yourself?

The iceberg is not the problem. The poor design is not the problem. It is all a huge and unexpected gift to us, if we can only surrender to the point of the collapse: being prepared by the circumstance itself to enter our next phase of life.

Our most authentic self is mid stream in the birth canal, between the collapsing story and the rise of a new story, waiting to be born. In order for that to happen, we are being invited to leave the false self systems that we once held so dear and enter into an arising birthing process.  We can’t know what our new self will look like, we can only trust that what we were previously invested in is now complete in it’s purpose to bring us to a deeper choice point and truer reflection of who we were meant to be.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.