Over the past couple of days I have been digging deep into my fear of intimacy. This was brought up by a recent situation with my beloveds where I was not forthcoming with details that I choose to keep private for now. The theme was about not trusting those that care deeply about me and are close to me. A projection of rejection and maybe even judgement on top of a rebellious undercurrent to feel myself as independent and sovereign.
As deep hurt was expressed by my push away and hiding, I could feel the walls harden around my heart. Feeling a need to not go into what used to be shame spirals. I could not feel myself as separate from it. I was The Wall. Even a voicing of a need to possibly not being a part of community in order to feel my sovereignty. A deep rebellion wanting to have its way.
The rest of the day I needed to feel my push away. This need for my masculine to seek independence from the feminine, albeit invulnerably. This voice needed to have its say. Its resistance. But as I felt more through the night, I knew this was not fully me. Not the totality of my being. As a facilitator, I knew that there is so much more to this, but I had stumbled on something quite powerful and inevitably archetypal.
Later, I heard the term “Devouring Mother” as an feminine archetype. It exploded a whole “new” awareness inside of me. I had recently just drew a further boundary with my biological mother right after a profound session about her very influence on me. As I released that dynamic even further it allowed this archetypal energy to flood my psyche subconsciously. I began to feel more distant and less open to intimate gatherings and connection. The sleeping giant of my repressed masculine was waking, as well as his relationship to the feminine via ‘Mother’.
When being given a choice to go against that communal feminine intimacy I fused to this wounded masculine need to rebel and push away. This is when I could feel the projection of the ‘Devouring Mother’ onto my beloveds. How can Sovereignty live side by side with Intimacy? This is what I wrote about earlier in a recent post about the inherent insanity of a man’s need to individuate from Mom while at the same time returning the bosom of The Mother at the same time. It is fucking maddening!
What I could feel was how my Inner Protector created a wall around this ‘Independence’ from Mom. Fuck all that would try and ‘take’ that from him after just feeling like he gained it. I put all those words in quotes because it is all a dynamic happening within and being projected out. I, Gabriel, could only fuse to the reaction to the projection. I got lost in what Jung called a Constellation. A watershed of unconscious and subconscious reaction.
In this greater understanding of this conflict between Mom and uninitiated son, I could feel how it is all being played out on the inside. The ‘Devouring Mother’ IS my Inner Mother. An inherited version of her inside of me. By taking her out of the Realm of Archetype and placing her as a part of me, I can begin to have a relationship to her that isn’t so freakin’ massive. I get to feel her needs and her fears of intimacy and of losing me as a validation of her own reason to Be. She is another version of the wounded feminine within the masculine that has great importance for us all as men on this spiritual quest and desire for empowerment, joy, liberation, and union.
For me it is a HUGE revelation and one that is just a starting point on this journey of selves-discovery that leads to Self-realization. We cannot ignore the depths to which our mothers play in our male psyche and emotional body. This internalized aspect of her leads us to a more authentic version of our masculinity, our relationship to intimacy with Other, and the Divine Mother Herself.
Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.