Category: Guides

In My Own Way

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments
Photo Taken By Chris on Goat Rock Beach, CA

By Chris Tydeman

(Note from Chris: As I have been moving through the SFH process, I have been experiencing my parts in relation to other people and daily activities. This piece comes as a part of me is recognizing and letting go of those things that he once held dear and defined himself through.)

I have walked the halls of this life

By feeling the walls and ground along the way

Never truly seeing where I have been going

Just following the thoughts that surround me

For they are all I have ever known.

When I cannot feel them, I panic.

Where am I? Where am I supposed to go?

I flail, feeling for something solid

Something to hold on to

Anything to help me feel like I am somewhere,

That I am someone.

The floor collapses and I fall

Unsupported by what used to hold me in place.

I am in a vacuum

In terror, I try to rebuild the hall with anything I can remember

But every time I try, it lasts for only a short while

And I am back again

Alone, empty, unknown

A voice from within whispers, but I cannot hear.

I call out for it, but only echoes of solitude come back to haunt me.

In this hell, I begin to weep

And the dam of my heart breaks open in a deluge.

A piercing pain overwhelms me

A fire begins to rage

Then I hear that voice once more.

The softness and clarity are unlike anything I have ever felt.

Her voice wraps me like a blanket

I continue to burn, but no longer in pain

“You are never alone my son. My love will always be here to support you and guide you. You are more than you can possibly imagine. You no longer need to be defined by that which you are not. Instead, surrender to that which you are.”

With those final words, a faint light begins to appear.

As it brightens, a new world appears before me.

A world that I could only have imagined

For I did not have the eyes to see

This time there is a vastness in front of me

This time I still may not know where I am going

But this time I will do it my own way.

​

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.

Divine Feminine Invitation To Love

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jillian

How do you write from stillness? From stillness that asks you to communicate nothing; that requests nothing of you; that is indefinable? How do you write about nothing and the invitation of the ever arising moment that is both nothing and everything? How do you write about the invitation to be and not to do?

The words I’ve written in the past (many which are no longer published) have tried: the effort was in every syllable and every sentence. The effort was in the collaboration of them into a book form; the effort was in needing others’ to read them in order for them to feel real; the effort was in the need to inspire and to influence without being fully authentic to how I was really feeling about the people I was serving.

How do you write of process without the alluring promise of attainment and enlightenment? How do you write of the process that is being with the feminine aspect of God in the moment where the future is unknown and the past is being asked to be let go of? And beyond writing about it, how do you offer this process to others as it is; as it is a state of being and not doing? There is nothing to attain here; nothing to gain as an achievement. How do you offer something that promises nothing and yet asks for so much to be given up? How do you offer the divine feminine aspect of God to a world which is so dominated by patriarchal male god frequencies?

These have all been pressing questions for me. Yet, lately, the question for me is deeply personal: What is BEING with her? This is new, it feels like, being with this question in a way that is not about doing anything, defining anything, making a paradigm out of anything, needing to prove anything or give up anything, teach others anything, or attain anything.

She is made of veils; She is mystery. Her face is shifting, arising, and familiar all at the same time. I can’t stand in absolute truth behind what I’ve written before about Her in the past. I can’t state definitely that she appears only in four faces and which of those faces is associated with which season. She will not be paradigmed or systemized; this is all I can seem to know about Her. She is like ash slipping through any fingers that try to contain or hold Her.

I thought I was to light incense; I was to pray; I was to learn and receive and give “Reiki”; I was to write about Her and how to be with Her and Her four faces; I was to hold circles and “workshops”; and I was to hold other people in this process too. As much as I resisted a paradigm, I felt pressured and compelled to make one out of her. I have no desire for doing any of that in the same way. I cannot find or experience her in any of those things or in any doing other than responding in the moment to what is offered without needing to carry out a ritual or to wrap my experience of Her into a mental bubble of understanding.

I cannot define anything beyond calling it, “love” that She is holding the possibility for in every single moment. A “love” that is organic, natural, real, and not as separate as it once felt to me to be. A “love” that moves between the wondrous man called Wayne who has linked his life and journey with mine. I feel her hold the container for the exploration of this love in every moment.

As I let go of understanding and defining her, I have surprisingly begun feeling her lately in people drawn to our meaningful connections group. Her essence flows in their association with Her, in their past experiences in other lifetimes, in their religious conditioning. I felt her in the tender relationship of a young girl part raised Catholic living inside of a vibrantly intuitive and spiritual woman. I felt her in the powerful energetic frequencies of a sensitive and beautiful man. I felt her catalytic force rumbling possibility through the defended layers of a marriage. And, I feel her in the steady invitation to Wayne and me to transparently lead with our hearts open, our boundaries set, and our desires flowing.

She is the canvas that holds the picture of life and the womb out of which life is created. I accept her without a name or a story or a creed or a cult or a gospel or a paradigm. I accept her as a feeling, as a deeply personal experience, as related to intimately by every soul whether they are conscious of it or not. I accept Her as the invitation to love.

Exploring Femininity In Relationship: Responding versus Charging Ahead

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jillian

Desire can be an ember. It can be slow burning. It can be tentative and hesitant; cautious and unsure. Desire can be provisional and exploratory; unsettled and indefinite. Desire can be open to consideration; speculative about how it will be ultimately fulfilled. Yet, always hungry and eager to be fed.

My desire has been ravenous at times; eating up greedily, swallowing up, galloping ahead, making hasty choices and rushing in, eager to finally feel satisfied. This hustling, mad dash to the finish line, has led to rushed decisions at times and hurried commitment to situations that were more frustrating than fulfilling.

This rush to gratify my own desires impacted my marriage by creating a dynamic between me and my husband Wayne where I was leading, charging ahead, and he often felt that his desires, concerns, and leadership didn’t have much room to be expressed. It was if the fire of my desire and my vision would consume us both. While I loved feeling that passionate surge inside of me, what I came to realize was that what I really desired was to collaboratively create, and lead with Wayne as an expression of our intimacy and closeness with each other.

I’ve experienced that intimacy invites us to heal by offering a ground of deepening familiarity and closeness with another person that also provides us with a powerful mirror in which to see ourselves. As the saying goes…Into-me-I-see through intimacy. Through my relationship with Wayne, I was able to see that the way I related to my own desire was more masculine in nature than feminine. I feel that the invitation to a woman in intimacy with a man is to respond to male leadership with her own desires and leadership. Responding this way allows a woman to rest in her heart, in her trust, and in her yin power.

Female Yin power, to me, is not so much about creating results and taking action (although of course we do!), as it is about feeling the emotional truth of a situation, leading with our heart, supporting our mate, and trusting that where he is leading is where we need to go next. This does not mean we are blindly following along or being subservient to our mate.

I had been a single woman and mother for many years before my marriage and was used to following my own desires to the exclusion of any one else. I was my own mate in this way, married to myself, and got used to not having to collaborate with anyone around major life decisions or choices related to following my passions. Yet, I also ached for that mirror of Intimacy to offer me a deeper look at myself; and I desired for a mate that I could collaborate with, be inspired by, and co-lead with.

Three years into my marriage, I am now in a phase where I feel that what I most deeply desire is to feel that my desire can heat up, it can be a seed or a flicker. And, most of all, that it can be fanned by, inspired by, and ultimately gets fulfilled by the beautiful union of my husband’s desires with mine.