Arise For The Woman

By Kalayna Colibri

e5d8a53b6ca0bfc051753f2a67c7425f

She will softly give you the love you need

And fiercely protect the preciousness of herself

A lioness, a lamb, a lark, all

In each interchange, an exchange of energy and an inhale of ecstasy

The intuitions ignored or stomped out

Cannot come to give the gifts they are invoked to give

or called to create

 

Would you stand in her way, or would you make a way for her?

Would you carve her name in your arm in the hopes of a few feeling moments?

Would your heart echo hers, or sing the same old song?

Would the lust you may feel give way to your love?

Would her blossom and fragrance of constant change be let into your cave of not-ever-knowing?

Would her guidance become yours and her power become your scepter?

Would you take her hand, her heart and still give her yours?

Would there be enough you to give her everything you could in a rightful exchange of hearts, bodies, minds, and souls?

 

Do you see her?

Does she stare back at you in that mirror ahead?

Can you look in her eyes and feel a challenge but just enough? Do you turn your power over to her or conjure yours to meet her there?

 

When the time comes, you will know.

She will test your King

You will evoke her Queen

And in tandem you will find

What you never thought you would

…until the moment you could let it in.

***

Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Romance As A Reflection Of Self Worth

felix-podgurski-red-heart-reflection

By Christopher Tydeman

Romance has always been triggering for a part of me. I wasn’t really raised with a template of a healthy romantic relationship. One that included both sides of passion. On one side, the random acts such as notes put in a hiding place to be found later or the hot passionate kiss in the middle of crowded street without care for the peering eyes upon you. Or the other side, which includes the loud clash of conflict that is still held in respect and not reduced to energetic violence. The place where there is a vulnerable and heartfelt, “I am sorry.”

In my personal experience, my template was a withhold of need, a projection of resentment, and an eventual eruption of anger with barbed-wired shrapnel. The sweet moments were few and far between, and even those consisted of half-baked sentiment with an obligatory stale crust. Were there moments of genuine love? Yes, absolutely. More than I count on my fingers and toes. But certainly not enough to show a young man what real love is all about.

So, am I screwed? Never to feel authentic desire, lust, and passion? Of course not. I am not a victim to my experience, I am informed by it. A part of me could easily close up heart-shop by blaming it on my conditioning, and never allow love to enter its fortified walls. It’s what part of me learned by my father as the ideal way to relate to love. However, even he hasn’t done that. He, too, desires a life surrounded by love. He can’t help himself because it is the ultimate human need above our survival needs. This part of him, and now a part of me, can protest all they want, but it is not our nature to resist love in absolution.

My templating gives me a starting point from which to launch. I don’t press off of it like a swimmer does off the side of a pool. I go into it. I feel it. I ache with it. I cry with it. Then something new emerges. Desire. Risk. Energy. Passion. Something different than before. Something unlike a part of me could ever imagine as being possible. I am honestly not writing from that place in the moment, but I can sense it. I sense it because it is in me. It is me. I would have not known that unless I had someone else to reflect that to me.

For the last two years I have been in relationship with such a person. A beautiful woman I never saw coming. A woman who could see a “me” I hadn’t been able to see myself. Now that I say that, I feel my romantic history has been such a dynamic. There is this reflection of bigness, of courage, and of strength. That picture, as desirable as it is, gets intercepted by my unworthiness and is flat-lined. Not to be resuscitated for fear of rejection and pain. ‘The higher you climb the harder it is to fall’. That is the mantra of self-protection.

This is the trigger I referred to at the beginning. But it is more than just the reflection of my bigness that frightens a part of me, it is that someone else actually cares enough to fight for it. That I AM worthy of the kind of love that is more than I ever believed is possible. A part of me is used to a healthier version of the type of love I grew up with, but is uncertain, even confused, about this ground of sacred love. Authentic love. Transactable, palpable, relational, passionate love. Lots of wounding that needs healing. Lots of conditioning that needs re-experiencing.

So what about this woman? After a few incarnations and explorations, it has come clear that Kathleen and I may not be mates in the way we thought we could be. She has passion that yearns to be matched and seen by another. I have a passion that yearns to be discovered by me, in me, and through me. It is possible that romance is not meant for me now. Maybe the romance is in me first. But I could not have come to that if it wasn’t for her. Her passion, her love, her desire for her own self-worth. She may very well be a soul mate, just not in the way I have thought of ‘soul mate’ in a romantic context.

We have been through much, Kathleen and I. My love for her remains as tender as the first time we hugged. That is what is real. That is what cannot die no matter the circumstance. We will continue to be what we have signed up to be for each other this life, for however long that is. She is a big reason I will heal towards self-worth and maybe even sacred romance. It is because of her I will know true love, both for myself and from another.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show

Letting Go With Love: Healing Codependency In Our Relationships

letting-go-of-a-relationshipFamily, friends, and lovers. These are our most intimate connections. Some of us have a multitude of them. Some of us, just a few. What really matters is the quality and kind of connection we have with them. In my “past” life, I had my family, both nuclear and extended, several friends, and a few lovers (not at once, mind you). As I went through my SoulFullHeart process, I began to feel the real inadequacies and co-dependencies within these relationships. Both for myself and for them as well. Confronting these emotional realities consciously, I began to realize that I could not continue holding on to a false relationship. A false relationship to me is one where the transaction is between two false selves feeding off each other for their own emotional survival.

Cords needed to be “severed” in the name of love for myself and for them. I put severed in quotes because the word has a connotation of forever. I do not desire to be apart forever. Just until we both can truly see and feel each other on a ground that is level enough to transact a deeper and non-codependent connection. One that is based on willing to feel ourselves as an assortment of wounded subconscious parts and a desire to feel our separation from and ache for the Divine.

This connection may or may not ever happen in my previous relationships. I pray that it does. But if it does not, I do not hold myself or them in contempt. It is not about being stubborn or defensive as it is about holding a value system that is just plain different. We may just be cut from a different cloth and there is no love lost in that. I say that because that is what I really wanted to get at. “Loss of love” is not possible in my experience of it. Love exists always and cannot be destroyed or lost. I have boundaries and conditions, yes. But I also have love. A love that is far greater and real than the “love” our false selves have chosen to agree to in our day-to-day lives. This love is not nicey nice. It is not just light and airy. It is real. It is sticky. It is honest and it is painful. It is humbling and forgiving. It is ecstasy and celebration. It is what we want it to be and it is what we don’t.

I have love for those who have been in my life and I always will. I do because they are a mirror unto myself, and I a mirror unto them. Each one of them has enriched my life for the better. Each one taught me more about myself than I could have alone. I experienced my parts in relationship to them. True, they were formed because of my experience with some of them, but they are also healed because of my experiences with them as well. They were not in my life if they did not have something to offer me, and I them. We drew each other for a purpose, whether for the short term or the long.

Recently, I said good-bye, at least for the short term, to a mate with whom I had become co-dependent. Whenever I write or hear the word ‘codependent’, a part of me feels like it cheapens the experience we had together. It unequivocally does not. It gave us both a vantage point from which to see and feel ourselves more consciously than we would have otherwise. A part of me was dependent on feeling wanted and desired. Dependent on being looked up to and adored. Dependent on being depended upon. It is hard for this part to admit that, let alone let go of.

The subtleties of co-dependence can be very difficult for us to be conscious of. It takes others outside ourselves, such as an SFH facilitator, to be a witness to them and then provide an objective mirror of us to see it. It can be dismissed at first, many times with fierce anger, like a lion protecting her cubs. But over time you see it, then you feel it. It can’t be ignored if you truly want to heal and grow.

After saying good-bye, I could feel a part of me needing to know how she was, what she was feeling, what she was doing. I held that part by feeling his feelings and journaling with him. I helped him to surrender into trust and faith in the Divine Mother. “You mustn’t worry about her, my love,” the Mother tells me. “She is held by me. You can let go. She will not fall.” This part of me struggled, but it lessened each day.

What happens next is unknown. I still feel my former mate and the others in my heart. I pray that they experience what they need to for more growth and arising bigness. I hold the possibility that we will see each other again through different lenses that reflect our truer, bigger selves.

As for me, I continue to lean into the Divine. A new frontier awaits: one that holds an expanding SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Society. One where I, too, have experiences that support my growth and bigness as a leader, a teacher, a healer, a friend, and a lover.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.