Family, friends, and lovers. These are our most intimate connections. Some of us have a multitude of them. Some of us, just a few. What really matters is the quality and kind of connection we have with them. In my “past” life, I had my family, both nuclear and extended, several friends, and a few lovers (not at once, mind you). As I went through my SoulFullHeart process, I began to feel the real inadequacies and co-dependencies within these relationships. Both for myself and for them as well. Confronting these emotional realities consciously, I began to realize that I could not continue holding on to a false relationship. A false relationship to me is one where the transaction is between two false selves feeding off each other for their own emotional survival.
Cords needed to be “severed” in the name of love for myself and for them. I put severed in quotes because the word has a connotation of forever. I do not desire to be apart forever. Just until we both can truly see and feel each other on a ground that is level enough to transact a deeper and non-codependent connection. One that is based on willing to feel ourselves as an assortment of wounded subconscious parts and a desire to feel our separation from and ache for the Divine.
This connection may or may not ever happen in my previous relationships. I pray that it does. But if it does not, I do not hold myself or them in contempt. It is not about being stubborn or defensive as it is about holding a value system that is just plain different. We may just be cut from a different cloth and there is no love lost in that. I say that because that is what I really wanted to get at. “Loss of love” is not possible in my experience of it. Love exists always and cannot be destroyed or lost. I have boundaries and conditions, yes. But I also have love. A love that is far greater and real than the “love” our false selves have chosen to agree to in our day-to-day lives. This love is not nicey nice. It is not just light and airy. It is real. It is sticky. It is honest and it is painful. It is humbling and forgiving. It is ecstasy and celebration. It is what we want it to be and it is what we don’t.
I have love for those who have been in my life and I always will. I do because they are a mirror unto myself, and I a mirror unto them. Each one of them has enriched my life for the better. Each one taught me more about myself than I could have alone. I experienced my parts in relationship to them. True, they were formed because of my experience with some of them, but they are also healed because of my experiences with them as well. They were not in my life if they did not have something to offer me, and I them. We drew each other for a purpose, whether for the short term or the long.
Recently, I said good-bye, at least for the short term, to a mate with whom I had become co-dependent. Whenever I write or hear the word ‘codependent’, a part of me feels like it cheapens the experience we had together. It unequivocally does not. It gave us both a vantage point from which to see and feel ourselves more consciously than we would have otherwise. A part of me was dependent on feeling wanted and desired. Dependent on being looked up to and adored. Dependent on being depended upon. It is hard for this part to admit that, let alone let go of.
The subtleties of co-dependence can be very difficult for us to be conscious of. It takes others outside ourselves, such as an SFH facilitator, to be a witness to them and then provide an objective mirror of us to see it. It can be dismissed at first, many times with fierce anger, like a lion protecting her cubs. But over time you see it, then you feel it. It can’t be ignored if you truly want to heal and grow.
After saying good-bye, I could feel a part of me needing to know how she was, what she was feeling, what she was doing. I held that part by feeling his feelings and journaling with him. I helped him to surrender into trust and faith in the Divine Mother. “You mustn’t worry about her, my love,” the Mother tells me. “She is held by me. You can let go. She will not fall.” This part of me struggled, but it lessened each day.
What happens next is unknown. I still feel my former mate and the others in my heart. I pray that they experience what they need to for more growth and arising bigness. I hold the possibility that we will see each other again through different lenses that reflect our truer, bigger selves.
As for me, I continue to lean into the Divine. A new frontier awaits: one that holds an expanding SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Society. One where I, too, have experiences that support my growth and bigness as a leader, a teacher, a healer, a friend, and a lover.
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