So many ideas float around inside of me sometimes, so many directions to take my writing in, many life observations, spiritual and heart-based learnings, sometimes even metaphysical concepts that can be and feel quite complex and slightly (if not VERY) out of reach of my consciousness level. A desire to discuss this or that in a post, see where it lands, and yet then, I feel the mental exercise this can be and the juice for the writing soon peters out for me. In these moments, I feel an invitation to keep feeling… to trust that some things I’m learning now I will unlearn too and that there really is no ‘absolute answer’ for my mind to wrap around, try as it might. Sometimes the only answer is to ‘keep going’… to keep embodying, keep living, keep loving, keep diving in head and heart first and see where the mess leads.
Sometimes when I write something, I feel such a desire for it to ‘go out THERE’, land in hearts, move others, maybe even bring back to me more reflections of the love that I am and that I feel more and more openly. Then sometimes, when I write something, I realize that the main reason for the writing is actually to show something to myself, from myself… to ‘me’, from everything that makes up the mosaic of ‘me’, as I am now, as I may be in a moment yet to come, as I may feel inside of parts of me who need something more from me. To share from anything but a full vessel is to share perhaps only more of the emptiness in some ways, yet it’s all good and does harm to none, as long as it comes from a consciously healing heart that can hold reflections of its own shadow and light, both.
Maybe it’s time to no longer ‘teach what you know’, but ‘teach what you embody’… this is a phase I have been moving more and more into over the years of my process, and as I continue to feel my heart and what it actually wants, I feel less attached to ‘knowing’ at all. There are moments of frustration in this for parts of me as they grapple with this burgeoning reality of being more relaxed in the head and more lit up in the heart and soul. There is a healthy bridge here, and that’s what it feels like I am being now as I share this moment with you and with me too. I feel the challenge of a woman in spirituality who faces the more masculinized approach to metaphysics, trying to ‘figure it all out’ in a way that maybe I’m just not meant to. I’ve never taken to spiritual study in a way that others have, preferring actually to experience instead. This is landing deeper inside of me now, despite protests from parts that worry about self-image and credibility… yet this world of spirituality feels inundated with this data and that data and watch out for this and never do that, think that, be that… this whole realm has become fraught with self-punishment fueled existences that are actually begging for the permission to NOT be this anymore, to NOT feel the pressure to prove or contend. I so feel this in myself and I invite you to feel this too, as well as any reactions you may feel to doing so… I so get and feel these reactions too and I trust deeply that there is another side to them.
And then, in moments like these, I feel an outbreath… as I let in that this is what needed the floor today, trusting that it will land where it needs to and that at the end of the day, all teachings of all kinds go where they’re needed and necessary, reaching the consciousnesses that are on deck to receive them, and that as all of our hearts continue opening, there is only going to be MORE love to teach, live, learn and give from. ❤
Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.