Journal To The Demiurge – Day 1

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 1

By Raphael Awen

I have been guided to undertake a journaling journey of an ambassadorship to connect with the Demiurge. The Demiurge is the Christian male ‘God’, who is also known as Jehovah or Yahweh in the Bible.

The Gnostics, whose writings were discovered in 1945 at a place called Nag Hamadi in upper Egypt, brought to us many new gospels that were not included in the Christian Bible and it was they who, following Platonic philosophy, related to the Christian ‘Yahweh’ as the ‘Demiurge’. This term ‘Demiurge’ is taken from Latin words meaning the ‘artisan, producer, or creator’. This creator of the material world sought to rule with dominance and required duty and obligation as its main offering of how to form a relationship with itself. The 4th century Roman version of Christianity, then crafted Jesus into this need for blood sacrifice required by the Demiurge, leaving Christian followers under a strong dominance of duty and control, aligning quite well with the Roman agenda.

I know the Christian God very well from a Christian perspective, having journeyed through my childhood along with 26 adult years as a devout Christian before I came to finally and openly renounce ‘Jesus as my personal savior’ in 2005, and from there to re-feel my entire relationship with ‘God’ or the Divine.

Please join me now as I feel called to set out through a daily journal journey to create an Ambassadorship from within to meet with and communicate with this Demiurge, Yahweh, or Jehovah.

What will we find? I truly don’t know, but I so want to find out, and I’m being supported to undertake this journey, feeling my trepidation as I go.

Your reading and feeling this journey with me as it unfolds daily will create the vehicle of approach, kind of like signatures on a petition to gain audience with a King. Your participation along with mine, changes the journey, as well as the outcome.

Here is day one, launched on this auspicious solstice day:


Raphael: This is Raphael. I’d like to connect with my highest and most familiar guides, Archangel Metatron and Merlin, my Unicorn, to inquire about guidance to form an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge, or whom the Christians know as Yahweh, or Jehovah. Metatron, and Merlin, will you speak with me?

Metatron: Yes, Raphael. It feels good to connect with you, and with what desires are brewing for you. What are you feeling?

Raphael: This desire has arisen in me in the form of an idea, a mental contemplation, along with a curious desire to explore, and to really change my world and experience, yet further. This idea is expanding to feel like guidance and a calling. Then comes doubts and questions. Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Do I really want to mess with the Demiurge? Then I feel all the lifetimes and time this life I have dedicated to Yahweh, how familiar I am with his temple worship and communities, and it feels quite doable, somehow. Part of me does wonder though what preparations or confirmations I should gather prior to undertaking such a quest.

Metatron: Raphael, this is a worthy quest, and a weighty one. It is worth all the preparation and guidance that you need. It is worth feeling through any and all resistance or fears that come from within, or without. I would be so honored to feel you and guide you every step of the way.

Raphael: Metatron, what can you even tell me about the Demiurge? Are you familiar with it? Do you feel it as a person, as an Archetype, as a collective consciousness? I’d like your take on that?

Metatron: Raphael, if I could answer that, there really would be no need to explore, would there? The short answer to your QUESTion is that even I don’t know. If I did, I could just share with you what I know and voila, problem solved. I am into supporting you and taking this journey with you. I, like you, can feel the Demiurge as a powerful dominating energy that has suppressed humanity and your planet into a sleepy slumber in prolonged forgetfulness. I know that it feeds off of people’s worship and surrender to it, and that it is never satiated, always wanting and needing more like an addict.

Raphael: Like it’s wanting and needing an intervention of some kind?

Metatron: It’s wanting and needing something, that’s for sure. It has been center stage in humanity’s consciousness and subconsciousness seeking immortality. If it is ready to make or entertain change, then that would be so cool to assist it with.

Raphael: It doesn’t sound like you feel afraid of it?

Metatron: I respect it. I know it has power, but I don’t fear it. If I feared it, I could not reach out to it.

Raphael: How is it that you don’t fear this powerful being or energy?

Metatron: I come in service of love, from which all consciousness, even that which polarized to dark or evil energies, gets its authorization. Love is the author of all. My truth is that there is no real evil, only that which hasn’t yet experienced the feeling of love as an energy. If something negative ‘happens’ to me, it happens to me under the authorization and permission of love, for me to learn and feel something that I haven’t felt yet, and need to feel.

Raphael: Is there still stuff you need to feel?

Metatron: Feel and Heal is still the Deal, Raphael. That is the journey back to source. I’m still not sure what happens when and if we are ever done with that, but like you, I’m curious as hell.

Raphael: Hell is curious isn’t it? and so is Heaven. They both want to know and feel more.

Metatron: That’s like the itch of consciousness itself, expressed in every expression of consciousness, including the time and space domains.

Raphael: I’m liking how easy it feels to connect with you.

Metatron: Good, because we’re going to need to get comfortable if we are going to undertake this mission together.

Raphael: Which I haven’t officially declared yet, still baking on the guidance and gathering the energy in my desire body I’d call it, and calling in all favors too from you and Merlin.

Metatron: I’m curious what Merlin has to say?

Raphael: Me too, Merlin, what say you? If that’s enough intro for you?

Merlin: Whoah, a freakin’ journey to the Demiurge with Raphael and Metatron. I’m in!

Raphael: That easy? No concerns or hesitations?

Merlin: What’s there to lose, Raphael?

Raphael: As I feel this QUESTion in your familiar presence and broadcasting energy field, Merlin, I can feel there is a whole lot to lose, here in the earth zone, which we’ve been waiting and wanting to lose for an awful long time, which makes all of the losses gains. I can feel though that life as we’ve known it, personally and collectively, would have huge shifts internally and externally if this were to shift, and this can feel like genuine deep losses for the parts of us attached to life as we’ve known it, regardless of how much suffering there is in what is being given up.

Merlin: Now I’m taking in your broadcast energy field Raphael… I’m sorry for the intense pain you and your fellow humans have felt under the Demiurge’s reign. I don’t get to feel that much as I don’t live in that energy. It feels so sad, now that I feel it….so much time stretched out to magnify this feeling.

Raphael: Maybe, Merlin, what you and I are feeling is being broadcast from the unfelt heart of the Demiurge itself, the emptiness, a universe-sized heart cry expressing in a compensational need to have dominion as a placeholder in love’s absence?

Merlin: THAT,…finding out what is or isn’t true about that would be worth all the worth there is, I’d say.

Raphael: You have a way of making your point.

Merlin: funny, and true!

Raphael: Wow, Merlin and Metatron, as we are connecting about this, I so feel it expanding in me. I so need the journal pieces here, one line and word, one feeling at a time to let this in.

Metatron: What’s going in, Raphael?

Raphael: A desire to undertake this journey…, to gather all the necessary resources and do it. I so feel bored with anything less, truth be told. I’ve lived lifetimes, as well as 26 adult years of life, this life, up until 12 years go, dedicated to the Christian God, and have come to feel suspect of his origins, how he/it co-opted our innate connection to source. All of this moving in me is coming from a recent deepening with my Gatekeeper, named Rhodes, whom I feel to introduce tomorrow, and allow all this intention and desire to bake.

Metatron: This journey is so worth all the time and process it takes. I so want to feel Rhodes take on all this too.

Raphael: How do you feel Metatron about sharing this journey in real time?

Metatron: You are speaking my language now, Raphael. I so feel that it has traction and realness when it is felt and digested in more hearts. This is a big collective piece of wounding and it needs a big collective heart to create an Ambassadorship to it. It’s a collective heartache wounding that can only heal collectively. Without mounting a posse of hearts, there isn’t enough substance to bridge to the dimension where this pain lives. Sharing this with supportive and open hearts will create this.

Raphael: And sharing it publicly also puts it out there for those, human and not, who are invested with the Demiurge to see it too, right?

Metatron: It’s only fair to let them all know we wish audience, to let them acclimate to where we are coming from. Better they see us coming than taking anyone by surprise. We have nothing to hide.

Raphael: I can tell you wish to say something Merlin, you’re broadcasting again…

Merlin: I am?…ah, yeah, that’s what I do, don’t I? The universe is waiting is what I’m feeling. My god! We get to do this…., really. Holeeee! Can you tell, I’ve wanted to do this since my teenage years in earth life. This is going to take me back to where I can’t even know right now. And that’s what makes it so worth it. This has waited till such a time as this, and till such a heart as yours Raphael, could lead the way. We haven’t had the emotional heart porosity that real ambassadorship is about, but we do now, in you.

Raphael: I do have to wade through some 3D senses of myself in order to let in your perspective of me, but I can feel the truth of what you speak to, Merlin. I have journeyed to open my heart out of a conscious hunger for love, and feel called to share this, even enough to self authorize.

Merlin: Which is the only true authority there is, that which flows from the universe and rings true in one’s own heart. No one can certify you in this. It’s either true for you, or it’s not. After all, it’s you that needs to walk it out, not an organization or a governing hierarchy. That’s the way of the Demiurge that we need to gain audience with.

Raphael: Okay, I’m feeling to take this up again tomorrow, to allow this to digest, and to let in more confirmation and guidance. Standby all, and deepest gratitude for this cocreation.

~ Join me tomorrow for this continuing journey! ~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Being With Your Inner Masculine As A Woman

by Kalayna Colibri

I wrote a digestion a few days back of the incoming energies really working the wounded masculine – helping us to see it within ourselves, others, the world around us, and in so doing, to help us start to see the emerging Sacred Masculine, which we cannot really start to feel until we can feel what it is NOT first… as always, starting within.

I’ve actually been working with my Inner Masculine for a few years now as part of my process on the SoulFullHeart path. “He” has had many forms – Inner Protector, Gatekeeper (4D protector of your soul, especially your Metasoul Aspects), Inner Father, Inner Punisher, and all in all, my Inner Mate. all in different waves, layers and expressions, all with different names and frequencies too. Nowadays he goes by the name of “Malcolm” and together we are feeling through what feel like some lingering and perhaps finally completing tendrils and ties to 3D reality, which he has held as so dear for so long, and for many valuable reasons.

As a woman, it feels so incredibly important to acknowledge, deeply feel, and profoundly honour the Inner Masculine within, as they are as much a part of what makes up the remaining patriarchal and wounded masculine frequencies and realities in our current world and widespread reality, both within and outside of us. We have as much responsibility to feel these frequencies within as men do… and this world we are experiencing and wanting to deconstruct in order to rebuild into New Earth, is one we, as parts of us, have co-created.

Today I chose to spend a magical and unfolding afternoon with Malcolm, as it was his wish to do this with me… to have some dedicated “us” time where we can feel each other and feel our relationship start to move into higher vibrations together. He waxed metaphysical as we sat in a local (very Mexican, very sweet!) coffee shop and journaled together. I will share our dialogue together, as it offers you a bridge into being with a part of you, and a way in which to be with your own Inner Masculine (as a man or woman!).


Malcolm: I like this place, Kalayna… A/C would be nice, but it’s good…. Coffee is good, new environment is good… can’t get too congested and busy in here because it’s so small, AND they speak English really well! It’s sweet… and it’s nice to not have to hold Spanish with you right now.

Kalayna: Right? And after all that notebook hunting, looking for a small one to fit into a purse, we still ended up with more stuff than will (really) fit in my purse. Hilarious!

M: I know… oh well… I have to get used to letting go of agendas and pictures… or at least any attachment to them.

K: Yes, well, that will come… is here already, actually. You are doing it, little by little.

M: Yes. I’m letting that (and you) in!

I’m sorry I can be such an ass sometimes…
K: It’s OK, Malcolm. That isn’t very common now… you are not an ‘ass’, my friend. You are protective sometimes maybe, but nothing more than that.

M: Thank you… I do feel like I am changing. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how much I can change actually and AM being invited to change, which really in my case means letting go more than anything else.

K: What does ‘letting go’ mean to you?

M: Oof… well, control. Letting go of control or any attempt at it. God, THAT alone causes so much stress, because life IS out of control… YOU are out of control.

K: I am? 🙂

M: Ummmm, well, your growth is, yes! Your destiny is, yes!

K: What do you feel about ‘destiny’, Malcolm?

M: I feel like it is a fixed star always on the horizon. Just, I don’t know, the highest point of your highest timeline… where maybe someone may not get to in one particular timeline, but eventually their soul will get there. OK, I am waxing metaphysical right now!

K: Please go on! I love it!

M: (blushing a little) OK… I will continue.

What if “destiny” isn’t a carrot held by Divine forces, but is instead an inevitability? And what if maybe the destiny, the Grand Destiny, if you will, is really just an ultimate return to love, but with ALL of the growth, changes and trajectories you’ve inhabited left intact. A “return to Source” in a way, but as the mosaic piece you ARE becoming fully carved out and painted in your soul’s unique energies and colours? I get the sense that humans are unique beings because they have and ARE uniqueness… I don’t know. It’s that Conscious Duality piece again, it seems (side note: more on Conscious Duality on our blog, if you’re curious).

K: Yes, wow, that actually opens something up in my heart. Thank you, Malcolm.

M: Yeah… it feels good and purposeful and interesting…. We came from love and unto love we shall return… with significance, not pride or arrogance. Yet significance. And reverence for ALL… wow… Juicy!

K: Sure is! 🙂

M: Thank you for this today, Kalayna.

K: You’re so welcome, Malcolm. More of this to come, sometimes with Gabriel too! 😀 And of course our other beloveds too… with more beloveds to come soon.

M: Yes! I would like that…

K: Me too. 


The pictures accompanying this post are from today! Me at the coffee shop (you can sort of see/feel Malcolm in my field), some goodies well-enjoyed, and the beautiful sun codes we took in together too. 


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

A Day In My Life During High Energies

By Jelelle Awen
We are acclimating to these higher energies coming in….all days it seems, even as we can feel an increase in them during specific portal openings, gateways, and repeating number dates. This calibrating process feels like it is going on at all levels for all of us (whatever degree our consciousness can let it in)….cellular (definitely ‘every living cell’ is being UPgraded), emotional, mental, chakral/energetic, social. This is our NEW normal. How to BE with this activating and integrating of these energies is something that we are all learning as we BEcome sacred humanity together.

Yesterday, as the HIGH energies continued to flood in (I often ‘see’ them as waves, swooshing into Gaia’s atmosphere and our inner shores too), I felt myself naturally responding and adjusting to them. I wanted to share here a sort-of energy diary/journal of my day spent as a highly intuitive and sensitive person (as YOU are too, I imagine if you are reading this) during these higher peak energy days. This also shows how the SoulFullHeart way of life and parts process just weaves organically into my days as I respond to my soul purpose around offering it here.

February 27 – I begin my daily check-in with myself in the morning after my usual breakfast of smoothie and hot cacao tea. I start to get a sense of how my body is feeling, how my heart is feeling, how whatever parts or Metasoul aspects I am connecting with in the moment are feeling. I can feel intense dreams still lingering with me, the details starting to fade, the left over sensations of my astral self traveling to other dimensions and timelines during sleep. I begin to get a sense of the cosmic energies pressing ‘down’ on me from above and receive a visual of them flowing down into Gaia’s orbit too. My inner energy gauge offers that they are at a “8” on a scale of 10.

With the energies so high today, it is a time to be gentle with myself and to breathe. The inner time is particular important on these days as I have experienced if I try to push through them and just do things without consciously bringing the energies into my body and heart, it is more difficult and even painful. Meditation space for me changes every day, depending on what my personal needs are and where the Divine, my Higher Self, and Guides are leading me. Sometimes my meditations are quiet and still with little thought; sometimes they are epic feeling, multidimensional journeys to engage in galactic love ambassador work on a collective level; sometimes they are very personal with tears and pain moving through while connecting with my Metasoul and parts.

Today is a recalibration day. This means that I place my beloved crystals and stones over sacred geometric cutouts laid over my chakras. I move my selenite wand over all of my chakras, checking in as I do, cutting cords if necessary, moving energies from others that are stuck in my field back out again. I do this with love in my heart and gently, not with a desire to ‘cast out’ negative entities or coming from a place of fear. If I feel fear then, again, I check in with my parts to see what is going on. I listen to activating music that pulses through me, that seems to shift every molecule and every cell in just taking it in. Today, I am guided to this new one from Lokos TV:

My Arcturian Metasoul sister named Binkh is here, smiling at me sweetly. She tells me that I am backed up in terms of letting in the new energies from not going into self care spaces enough recently. I understand immediately what she means and soft tears start to flow as I reconnect with my inner spaces and her love. My focus has been more outward during the last week as we have all been working hard in SoulFullHeart to launch our new programs and I am designing a new year-long process for us as well. It is love work, soul joy work that just flows out….BUT on higher energy days it is even more necessary for me to take spaces for self love too.

I let the binaural tones flutter through me, feeling Kundalini start to activate, swirl, and twine up and down my spine in response. I ask the current ascension energies to infuse me, activate me, and invite them into my every living cell. Doing this consciously allows parts of you that might be resistant to the process to hear and feel your declaration that you actually WANT these upgrades. If I feel resistance to the latest activations, I then check in with my parts or Metasoul Aspects to connect with them and see what is going on. Today, there is no resistance, especially as I have recently integrated a big shadow piece from my Metasoul that was playing out karma and self sacrifice patterns in my service of love with others. My most recent Metasoul sister (an Aryan Draco named Metsbet) is ‘tucked in’ and happy, safe, and loved in the moment when I check in with her. I feel a new flush of even deeper self worth that is grounding into my Metasoul and multiple timeline expressions too, along with my emotional body. I feel Divine Sophia smiling at me, sending love.

I take in an hour or so of ‘energy therapy’ with Binkh hovering over me, working on me in ways that I can’t track with my mind, yet always make me feel better. My trust in her has deepened greatly over the last couple of years as I healed from trauma held by my Star Seed (4D Inner Child) from being ‘abducted’ for many years in my childhood. When this therapy is done, I then ground it into my body by doing yoga for awhile. We all in the SoulFullHeart Community love to engage in yoga with Adriene programs as she is funny, approachable, and brings a seemingly fresh spin to it. Her videos are available online here: Finding a way to ground the current ascension energies into your body through some form of physical activity and exercise really seems to help lessen the intensity of ascension body systems. Stretching especially offers a deeper integration into every cell.

I then help Gabriel, Raphael, and Kalayna to film an introduction video to our new programs, enjoying to be in the alchemy process with them. Because I have given myself some ‘me spa time’ with meditation and yoga, I’m able to be more expansive and present with them as we collaborate together. We all live in the same building, so we see each other quite often and lately have been meeting every day as we work together on the new programs. Living in a close community like this, I find that I need my inner space even more and also in order to serve others in session space and to share my writings and respond to them.

Throughout the day, I keep feeling into if writing will come today to share on my blog and on facebook, and to make into a video to share. My writing (soul scribing really, as someone has sweetly called it) is not planned or strategized, as the inspiration for it usually comes in the moment. I have the idea for this energy journal writing while I am doing yoga, yet it feels like it is not ‘ripe’ to share today. My writing on the recent energy surges has gotten a lively response with many shares and comments, for which I read every comment, took them into my heart, and responded to almost every one of them. I ‘hold’ response to my writings this way and my videos too. This is the service of love aspect of it that goes beyond recognition as a ‘good’ writer or even for the ‘goal’ of sharing my ideas or perspectives in an educational way. It is about the energy exchange, the love collaboration that happens as two souls see each other through a shared, resonant experience. THIS is why I write, to engage in this energy, to serve love through this exchange….and also to share the SoulFullHeart way of life perspective and energies too to those who may be resonant with them.

I don’t have a space holding session today, so my focus turns toward SoulFullHeart projects. An outline for a new, year-long SoulFullHeart Process births out of me. This process brings together all the things that I have heard and felt as needs, desires, and interests from those that we’ve served in sessions over the last year, plus over the last 15 years of working with parts and soul awakening. This birthing of the new process is a welcome surprise as I have felt it gestating in me for awhile. Creativity such as this is possible on these high energy days especially, once the codes have been let in and you are in the flow with it rather than parts of you resisting it.  You can read more about our new programs here:

I finish my day by enjoying a dinner at a veggie buffet restaurant with my beloved mate Raphael and my daughter Raianna. We laugh, we share stories, we engage in lighter content even as the deeper soul context holds it all. I look at them across the table from me and feel such gratitude for their presence, their sharing of this reality with me….so grateful for their love. THIS, then, is one of the biggest ways that I can integrate the energies of New Earth coming in…through being in and with this commUNITY of beloveds and our group Merkabah together that flows abundantly with love and gratitude.

Thank you for taking in this sharing of my day into your heart! Maybe it inspired you to feel and approach your integration of these ascension energies in new ways. Much love to you as we undergo this exciting and transformational time of transition into the NEW…..together.
Jelelle Awen is Co-creator/Facilitator/Teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is a Soul Scribe and author of three books about Ascension. Visit for more information about our NEW SoulFullHeart process programs, group calls, videos, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings at

Journeying Into The Reality Of A ‘New’ Part Of Us

by Kalayna Colibri



A sleepy day of process and generally being with myself… the discovery of a ‘new’ part to be with and heal led my day from this morning onward. Entering into the world of parts of us, especially parts we’re just starting to get to know, is a journey of traveling into a whole other dimension inside ourselves! Bringing your pen, journal and heart with you, you venture into your imagination and into the feeling tones of this part’s reality. Their reality can reflect long held memories in our bodies, hearts and souls. It is a place that has no age or time and they have lived there for who knows how long… sometimes they can even tell you! Sometimes there’s a sleepiness in the body and mind that comes into your being, as this journey, especially when just starting to feel a ‘new’ part, can be one of going into long-buried emotional territory and the heaviness is often palpable, somewhat hard to let in and digest.

This process began with an illuminating reflection, a mirror ‘held at an awkward angle’ as we say in SoulFullHeart, yet with love leading the way. This illumination is typically uncomfortable, yet the truth of it was undeniable inside of me… immediate *pings* of connection with this part began to emerge. From there, going in with a curious eye and heart was the invitation as I wandered forward into this now unveiled inner territory.

What amazes me almost every time I go in with a part, no matter how heavy or difficult they might fancy themselves to be, is the amount of relief that comes in just from feeling them, even in these first journal entries. They can heal quite quickly from this effort or sometimes they hold onto their pain for a bit longer. I have a journey with this part that’s unknown for now in some ways, though I can already feel where this may be going.

I wanted to invite you to gaze inside this window of starting a process with a part of you, to see if you can imagine yourself doing this too… there are so many of you who are courageously starting to do this through sessions with us in SoulFullHeart and THAT is incredible! It’s a process that has no limits to the depths that are possible, and all effort, sleepiness, openings and journalings are so, so worth it…



Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

Beginnings And Endings: Life At El Rancho Blog


By Jelelle Awen

Beginnings and endings. Death and rebirth. Life cycles this way and especially here and now at the ranch, during the season of Dark Mother and spring. A beautiful duck died this week, adrift on the pond, while the only three ducklings to survive the spring are growing larger every day, becoming independent, paddling around without mom. The ground is bone dry, thirsty, in drought conditions as the end of the dry season comes and rainy season sets to begin. For every dried out bean plant that I pull, I plant a brand new seed to replace it. As I become more in touch, in union, living daily with nature, I feel the textures of the beginnings and the endings much more. A harvest one day, pulling a dead plant out of the ground the next day. All of life is arising in aliveness even as it courts eventual deadness. Life moves to death, and death moves to life.

Rather than this awareness adding a morbid feeling to life, it enlivens me with an appreciation for every changing thing around me. I feel my senses amplified here, all of my sensitivity given free reign to let it all in without industrial noise, electric and internet grids, crowds of people, shopping malls…without all manner of numbing agents to dull my experience of experience. I have become much more acutely aware of my surroundings, now that my head isn’t buried in a computer screen, plugged into a virtual reality that disconnects me from my body and physical surroundings. This makes contrasting sensations more acute and enjoyable or not enjoyable: sweet and hot touches from Wayne, irritating itchy bites from mosquitos, cooling effects of a dip in the river or a cold shower, the pressing sweatiness caused by the heat.

With this acute sensitivity also comes more overall detachment to things and people that aren’t right in front of me. Email can bring virtual intimacy, substituting real time conversation for a shuffle back and forth that can span weeks. How was this enough for me? When I read emails now, I copy them at the internet place and bring them home to savor here at the ranch. I take days to feel my reactions and my responses. Very few emails bring real time responses now. So, I’m just not as interested in exchanging this way. I would rather have someone join me in one my gardens, pull weeds with me, water plants, plant seeds and we’ll talk and connect and feel each other. Let me pause, look you in the eye and hear the tone of your voice. Let us get our hands dirty together and see what needs to be expressed in exchange. Email doesn’t allow for any of this. Only a response into the void with no sense of how it really landed. When did this become our main form of communication with each other?

This is why I’ve felt both sensitive and detached in response to a fairly major change that arose this week over an email related to something big from my past. I was involved in an emotional and spiritual healing group for almost five years. EBE was an intense, elite group led by a charismatic, gifted, and often emotionally abusive leader. There was beauty and there was pain, both, and I was left forever changed by it, including meeting my husband Wayne in this group. I was ‘kicked out’ of the group after receiving an ultimatum from the leader, Daniel, about my relationship with Wayne being grossly codependent and that I needed to choose between the group, agreeing to stay away from Wayne for a year, or leave. And, all of this was offered over email, no face-to-face digestion and no one (including my facilitator) having actually seen and felt Wayne and I together as a couple. Our relationship was all of three weeks old at the time…..but I received strong guidance to leave the group and choose the relationship and, ultimately, myself. My book shares a six year span of time of journals and blog entries written while I was in the group and after I was out. The recovery period after leaving the group, with none of my friends in the group talking to me any longer, was excruciating and painful, only bearable because I had Wayne’s support and because I had a deepening connection with the Divine that saw me through the worst of it.

It’s been almost seven years now and my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis rarely go to the group or anyone in it. However, I found out over the last few weeks that the group has dissolved with the people in it realizing and finally owning the harm that Daniel has done to them. A couple of days ago, we received a forwarded copy of an email Daniel sent out, an apology addressed ‘to the good people whom I have harmed.’ I had different reactions to all of this, ranging from not much care about it to relief to some feelings of renewed outrage and hurt. I didn’t expect to ever receive an apology from Daniel, so it really is surprising to feel him own the harm he has done to others. He said that he didn’t realize what he had done until recently, which doesn’t feel genuine to me. Part of him had to have known exactly what it was doing; its own evil cruelty, and without any feeling for others. Until he truly differentiates from this part and admits that it is there, I can’t totally buy the apology. Even with this, I can feel compassion for the pain and suffering he must be going through as the world he built up falls apart. I know how this feels.

But, also, in all of this, something good completed finally for me and for Wayne. Something that had been hovering over our relationship from the beginning, a pronouncement by Daniel and also my friend at the time, that we were ‘off’ and codependent. Contrary to this proclamation, we continued to deepen with each other, experiencing degrees of intimacy and healing together that have been nourishing in a way neither of us thought were possible. We ‘proved them wrong’, yet, at the same time, it feels freeing to no longer be pushing up against anything at all now. As my former group goes up in flames, I feel compassion for those who spent seven years more than I walking through the fire. I know from experience how grueling and wrenching their recovery process is going to be. Well, I somewhat know, because love called me sooner to claim it and to end the cycle of cruel male authority figures in my life.

So, as something ends, so something new begins as we get ready to host our first volunteer here at the ranch in a couple of weeks. Maybe this is the beginning of the community that we dream of eventually, one joined in the desire for healing, authenticity, and sustainability.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebookVisit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with her.