Day 11 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 11 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

On the Journal today, we meet my feminine aspect, a magical and beautiful being, ‘Animalea’. This then gets ‘Martin’ outed, as in ‘Martin Luther’, a Metasoul Aspect we’ve known was about to connect with us. Then it’s spending some time feeling a big heart reconnection.

We’re off to see and negotiate with the Demiurge, the Christian god, Jehovah.

You can find the entire series here:

Here is Day 11:

Raphael: Calling all Heart Ambassadors. Good Morning, Everyone. I think I know who everyone would like to hear from today, and I wonder if she’s ready?

Animalea: Ok, that was quick, but, yes, I am ready.

Raphael: Sweet. It’s kind of like group circle and it’s your turn to go, it feels like. How is it for you to be here?

Animalea: I’m feeling really good in the moment.

Raphael: I get that, and looking it too, wow.

Animalea: Thank you.

Raphael: I’m so glad for you to be here. You bring so much, that changes so much, and opens out a whole bunch too.

Animalea: Thank you, that goes in. How is that so?

Raphael: Well, there you go, right there…, just being you, Animalea. As the feminine aspect of me, I’d be lost without you, not to mention, bored and boring. You bring so much that I feel I can’t live without and don’t want to live without, and I sure as heaven and hell don’t want to attempt this Journal To The Demiurge without you on board.

Animalea: That goes in too. Thank you. I must have needed the extra compliments today.

Raphael: Well, let’s check in with the circle. Who would like to say anything to Animalea?

Andy: Animalea, you’re the best, the funnest and the prettiest. I’m so happy you are here.

Animalea: Awww, Thank you Andy. I love you too, so much. I wish there was a million of you to go around.

Raphael: Who else?

Jim: Animalea, I was waiting for you. I’m glad you are here now. As Raphael’s childhood 3D Father, I was so conflicted about women. I see now, that I was conflicted about my own inner feminine. Feeling you here,… so…sensual, and sexual even…, it was still a bit difficult for me to use those words just now…it all feels like such a gift to me, now. You are beauty. And I’m not so afraid of you anymore. And, I’m sorry that I couldn’t know you before.

Animalea: Thank you for seeing me now, James. It feels like time to call you James, if I may? You don’t feel like the Jim I once knew. Is it okay to call you James?

Jim: I’d be honored. James. I like it, much better. Done. Jim was so saturated with old stuff that needed to go, and was ready to go. It’s funny, the irony is not lost on me in the moment, how I used to joke about ‘women’s work’ in my put-on traditional Dutch accent, and today it feels like it is a woman who cleans out my patriarchal closet in one fell swoop. I hope I’m not being offensive when I say that. I was just so messed up around femininity, let alone my masculinity. I’m still sorting it out, and you are helping, Animalea, and this Journal is helping a lot too. Who would have believed back in my day that such an amazing wonder world of parts of ourselves, and Guides, and Metasoul Brothers and Sisters could be real?

Raphael: Perfect, James. It fits who you are today. Much better. Who else wants to say anything to Animalea?

Merlin: I’m so inspired by you, Animalea. Your relationship with Raphael’s beloved, Jelelle, gives me a whole bunch of feminine energy, very divine, in a whole bunch of ways. It’s just such a different orientation to life, compared to the absence of the feminine. I feel like I have you to thank in so many ways for my own existence here in Raphael’s life and beyond. And, I too, am inspired by your beauty, of heart, of soul and body.

Animalea: Thank you, Merlin. We have known each other in many times and places, but the coming together here in this now feels very alive, like a harvest time.

Rhodes: I feel such a relief to have you here now as well, Animalea, in Raphael’s life, and on this journey. I too, feel remorse for my role in keeping you off our radar for the time I did. I’m sorry.

Animalea: I’m sorry too, Rhodes. I don’t think I was ready to come out and play until I was. Sounds like we were both in hiding for our own reasons?

Rhodes: But not anymore…

Animalea: So true. You are a very handsome Gatekeeper I must say, or is it more of a Guide you are now?

Rhodes: I’d say I’m mostly Gatekeeper, but with this Journey at hand, and all this time with Metatron, I’m apprenticing as a Guide as well.

Animalea: Cool, I really love your energy. You could open an outfitter’s shop with the coolest clothes and stuff. It would need a cafe in the corner for all the connecting you’d be drawing to the place.

Rhodes: Yumm. That sounds pretty hot.

Animalea: You’re hot stuff and you got stuff, man. 🙂

Rhodes: So, what shade of red am I turning now?

Raphael: Just a soft pink glow, Rhodes. Suits you very well actually. Feels like you might be drawing a mate soon.

Rhodes: I’ve been feeling that actually, and it’s really amped up being around you, Animalea. You’re helping.

Raphael: Didn’t I tell you Animalea was going to warm up the place? Who else?

Arthur: Feeling all these sentiments here, I feel very warmed up. I’m reminded of the summer night fire ceremonies at Beltane, where we as teenagers were introduced to our sexuality, as we honored mother-god, feeling the flow and cycle of life, flow through our bodies and lovemaking. I feel all of that in you, Animalea. I’m feeling this journey to the Demiurge is a call to reawaken to our sacred sexuality, our sacred humanity, our sacred masculinity and our sacred femininity, all of it. If there’s one thing I feel about the Demiurge, it is that he is very sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. I mean, he could very well be like a 40 billion year old virgin, with all that ‘no sex before marriage’ prescriptions he gave out.

Pardon me, I digress. Let me just say that I feel so glad to have you with us. This changes this journey in a big way. These sentiments towards you here, Animalea, are proof of that to me. I wouldn’t want to undertake this journey without you.

Animalea: Thank you, Arthur. I so remember you, and then in other ways, you don’t feel like the King I remember. You’ve changed. It’s a delight to feel.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be here, had I not evolved, Animalea. And Thank you.

Raphael: Anyone else? No need to rush a good thing…

Martin: Raphael, may I?

Raphael: Ahhh, Martin, please do, and tell everyone who you are. I figured this would get to you.

Martin: Get to me, it has. Thank you, to everyone here. There’s a gratitude layer here so thick, you could serve it with beer and bratwurst. I’m Martin. Infamously known as Martin Luther, for much that I’m not actually proud of. Being invited here to be part of this great journey, and then to feel each of you, is almost more than I can bear. I wish now, Animalea, that I could have known life through your eyes. I wish, Andy, that I could come to know my own Inner Child and Starbeing aspect like you. I wish, Arthur, that I could have been introduced to the mother-god as you were. Merlin, how my life would have been different had I known my Unicorn to take me on tours of the dimensions. I lived a very single dimensional life, with the ‘single personality disorder’, as you call it, Raphael. I’ve got some healing to attend to, and I so feel you all can help me with it. I’m a pretty quick learner, if you’ll all agree to having me join you.

Raphael: Yes, big yes! A big Lutheran Church sized yes.

Martin: Oh, please, don’t remind me. We’re a bit backed up on reformations, but I’m hoping that facing the Demiurge might shift a few things for the church-going people.

Raphael: I so look forward to feeling your input on the mission at hand, Martin. I see you with your scroll of 95 theses, hammer and nails, marching up to the church door, posting your message. We post by electronic mail now, you know, quite the advancement.

Martin: So I’ve been told. And you speak with your fingers, of all things. Andy was showing me his iPad yesterday, and his Minecraft game. He’s promised to teach me how to type. My goodness, what a dimension, not sure I’ll want to go back to my own anytime soon, but I miss my Katrianna already. She so won’t believe any of this, I fear.

Raphael: Ah, yes. Metatron and Merlin should be able to guide you between the worlds as needed. Speaking of Metatron, I don’t think we’ve heard from you yet, Metatron, and I’d sure like to?

Metatron: What would you like me to say, Raphael?

Raphael: You always expand us out in some big way.

Metatron: You’re all feeling pretty expanded out to me already. I don’t feel I need to expand us out any further for today, unless I do that without intending so.

Sometimes, it’s gets old being all metaphysical all the time. Being human, and feeling your experiences, and what you feel, feels so magical from where I live. Spiritually focused humans get all pumped about the higher dimensions. Let me tell you, they get normalized quite quickly, and then you end up wanting the goodness of the lower dimensions that you took for granted when you were there. Or maybe I’m just feeling that way from hanging around you all everyday. Not sure. What I am feeling is how there is all the time in the multiverse to feel it all. There are a lot of things that just can’t be felt in the higher dimensions, and no dimension is better or even higher for that matter. Heaven wants and waits to be dialed into every dimension. Feeling it come into this heart circle is so enough for me right now, and a mission to boot! And Andy! Praise Allah. Christmas in July. Oh, I’m meandering, aren’t I? I’m happy, really happy.

I need to say, Animalea, you especially struck a chord inside of me, today, that I don’t even know what it is, but something is humming inside. Just watching your presence here, your being, and what emanates from you, makes me go want to do my human journey all over again. I think I may have missed a few lessons. Is that possible, Raphael?

Raphael: You’ve been the one telling me that the learning never stops, and that it’s not linear. So, I’d guess that you haven’t missed anything, the divine just saved some really good pieces for now, that’s all.

Metatron: That works for me. I’m lovin’ it. I’m loving Be-ing with you all. Hell, if we don’t make it to see the Demiurge, I’d be okay with that. That’s the way I’m feeling right now.

Hmmm, I said I wasn’t going to get all metaphysical. Forgive me, I feel one small piece coming on. I’ll try and keep it short. Is this okay, Andy?

Andy: Metatron, you’re the best, and you’re joining us at the Golden Earth Baskin Robbins Infinite flavors afterwards, so it’s all good.

Metatron: Okay, good. Now, you got my mouth watering. Where was I? Oh, yeah. We are actually reaching the Demiurge right now, as we speak and feel together. We are reaching into and penetrating his domain. His domain is the domain of not feeling okay to be human. His domain is the domain of real relationality not being okay. His domain is the domain where someone as beautiful and gorgeous and radiant as Animalea, as a feminine being is not okay. His domain is the heavy hand of duty and obligation, and moral code. I don’t feel one bit obliged here today in that way. I’m with Andy. We’re doing what we want to, when we want to, because we want to. How magically pagan and heathen is that?

Just feeling love and goodness, that just is, that wasn’t monopolized, monetized, demonized, politicized or moralized, or, hallelujah, colonized…, is so powerful. It’s the love army of One that contains the All. It’s a currency that flows in a current. The Demiurge deal is over. It’s done. The Divine is just asking us to do some traffic directing and to feel and negotiate some of the particulars around an exit strategy is how I feel it. The Demiurge and his system is simply no longer sustainable. He wants to negotiate his own exit is how I feel it. It no longer can vibrate into reality here like it used to.

Raphael: That feels super interesting, Metatron. Thank you.

Metatron: You’re welcome. I’m done.

Raphael: I’m done to, just about. Jelelle wants to go take in sun codes at the beach soon, so someone’s gotta do that, might as well be me, I guess. But, I will go dual-dimensional and meet up with whomever is gonna hit the Golden Earth Baskin Robbins as well.

I’m so liking the feeling of where we are, so taking our time, so feeling all there is to feel. What you spoke to just now, Metatron, alleviates something in me. Somewhere inside, there’s been a growing question the farther we get on this journey that sounds something like, ‘So, what is it that we’re trying to accomplish?’ and ‘How is it that we’re going to accomplish it?’. I wanted to feel that openly with all of us soon and it feels like you got us started already. I’m reminded of what you have told me again and again, Metatron, that the questions are the essence of the quest, rather than the answers. I always love that reminder. It’s make me feel five years old again. ‘Why Daddy?’ ‘Why Mommy?’ We can not-know our way to knowing. It’s always the best.

What a day! The advent of Animalea! The manifestation of Martin. Jim becoming James. Finding our heart fire.

We best digest up and get ready for tomorrow. Thank you everyone; our new mantra in the super abundant universe that never gets old, thank you.


Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 12, Part 1 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 12, part 1, of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Good Morning, Everyone. Isn’t it magical that we get these cycles called, ‘days’ in order to move through this intention? The word ‘journal’ means daily travel, which makes it a journey, or a sojourn. I feel so honored to be here and to be leading this with you all, to have your presence at this round table. The round table feels like a vortex of energy where so much from each other’s realities and timelines gets to heal and integrate, and then to be leveraged into each other’s worlds, exponentially.

There’s like this telepathic teleprompter in our Merkabah that is just so much fun to play with, feeling all the places we can go. In moments, I forget our main intention of meeting with the Demiurge, and then it circles back on its own, somehow. There are just so many new and emerging ways to be with life that I struggle at times to have the patience to allow them to arise; to be more natural around the navigation. Parts of me so want the new now, all of it. I’ve been given tastes of Golden Earth that feel like acclimations to that energy, and that leaves me with an ache, with a deep missing feeling, when my awareness is more tuned into 3D life.

I’ve been feeling lately how simple it is with a mix of willingness and intention to dial up a raising of my frequency. I’m feeling that would be good to do right now. Let’s check into Golden Earth together right now. We can dial up a conference place that has a perfect blend of indoor and outdoor amenities, privacy and whatever else we can imagine as perfect for today. How does that sound?

Martin: It sounds so good, I can hardly stand it. Yes, please.

Arthur: I second that motion, Martin.

Animalea: Perfect. Place and energy is so important. High purposes need high places.

Merlin: Andy and I are all good to go.

Raphael: Okay, I can see we are all in. I’ll ask each of us to close our eyes, to help going inward, at least, that’s what I find helps. No rules here though. I like to also take a few deep breaths, feeling the inhale and exhale. Something about dialing in the source energy that we all do in every moment, but in a more conscious intentional way. I see us reaching out touching hands as we do, and it feels like we have lift off. Feel the ascent. See in the distance a set of gates that make up the grand entrance to Golden Earth. Yours might well be different from mine. Approach these gates with your intention and desire. Now broadcast those desires and intentions to the gates. That makes for the automatic garage door opener. Silently, the gates begin to open.

Feel the domain you are leaving fade in your awareness as Golden Earth tones and frequencies rise into your awareness. Feel all that you can feel and notice. Hear any messages. See any pictures. You may well taste and smell things as well. You have each of your senses here and more. Nothing quite like a little Golden Earth aromatherapy. Trust what you are being given with full gratitude that this is precisely what you are meant to experience. Feel any parts of you who have any kind of reaction to what they are experiencing.

Wow, Okay, I can feel you all taking in big gulps. Perfect. I’m going to let you all go on ahead as deep as you want to. I’m going to hang back just a bit to keep one eye on the door to welcome others in our growing posse, to make sure they feel at home here to.

I’m going to keep talking as you settle in. It’s okay if you don’t track to much of what I’m saying right now. The vibes here contain all the goodies, anyway you let them in.

It’s like almost impossible to feel the dark energy of the Demiurge from here. I can so feel we need to feel this as a reference point. There is no ‘separation from God’ energy here. It just can’t vibrate here. There is in its place, the incredibly rich sensory overload of feeling that you are the Divine. Want to feel your own creative power, just imagine a scene shift of your choosing. I’m fond of the Golden Earth Redwoods myself. How’s that?

Andy: Whoahhhh, Raphael. Can I try?

Raphael: I was hoping you would.

Andy: I’m adding in lions and tigers and bears.

Raphael: Voila, isn’t this wild, Andy? They seem curious about us and each other, and without fear or aggression.

Animalea: I just dropped in Adam and Eve.

Raphael: Oh – my – goodness. Aren’t they something to behold and feel.

Wow, you guys, as we are doing this just now, I can feel how the Demiurge himself knows how to do this, on some level. He made up a story that set himself up as the creator, and denied the created subjects of you and I any of the creative power, in his version of the story at least. He was able to sell this story to enough people and his story became ‘his-story’, as in history, to the absence of herstory. This also aligns with the deal how we co-created the Demiurge subconsciously with our disowned creative power, like we’ve already talked about, how we needed a power to hold our own divinity as a placeholder until we could awaken to it. In other words, we built this beast. This is important to feel, I’m reminded just now. If we created this beast, then it is ours to un-create. Trouble is, it’s all too real, and it can’t shift, unless we do.

This is getting wild to feel, isn’t it? Quite a mind trip for sure. Let me remind you though, that I’m just calling it as I see it. I don’t claim any of that absolute-truth poop-scoop. That’s the Demiurge’s deal to claim the corner on that one, that keeps beings asleep to their own truth. It’s way more fun being in the ‘near as I can tell’ zone.

Now that we’re getting settled, what should we talk about? I don’t like preparing speeches as you know. It’s way more fun feeling what wants to arise between us. I was feeling to talk together from here in Golden Earth anything about our mission at hand in any roundabout kind of way we felt to, or not. There sure is this absence of anxiety here, isn’t there? It takes some reorienting to find your bearings. I think to let each of you check in as you feel to, with whatever you feel to.

Rhodes: My God, it’s hard to find a place to begin, but I feel something moving and like I’m supposed to open my mouth so even I can find out what that might be. I feel this gratitude layer emanating from each one of us. I’d say you were all high, unless I knew better. But then, we are high aren’t we? And we’re not at the same time. It is an altered reality that’s for sure. It’s funny, though, because even the term ‘altered reality’ assumes a baseline of reality that can then be altered. I get from the vantage point here how there isn’t one fixed reality. There is just our reality conditioning. We are imprisoned by the cults of our own making until we realize this. Wow, I could go on, I see, but what I really need to say, is how good it feels to be feeling this with you all, letting in a newer reality. There is one big downside to being a Gatekeeper and that is that you know so much lies beyond the gate, while you chain yourself to keeping the gate. I am so sorry, Raphael, and I need to extend that sorry to each of you here, and to each of you who come by here, for the lockdown of the past. I want to resolve all of this remorse and sail to all that we are being given to see and feel. I want wonder. I want reverence. I want to be awe-filled and awe-ful, and not to be afraid any longer of the unknown more that lies beyond what I can see and not see.

Martin: I was waiting for you, Raphael, to respond to Rhodes, just now, and then I got it. Actually, I felt the words land, as you call it, and it just went swoosh around the whole circle. Wow, this is all so new and so magical, with a bunch of new vocabulary, too. Then, I couldn’t help myself. I had to jump in. I think I floated more than slept last night, yet I feel quite rested. Thank you, Rhodes, for opening this portal to me and my timeline. I’m rested at the moment, but I am also so torn inside. My timeline must be the most complete opposite to this timeline. It is so unimaginable to feel both as real. The Witches are being burned as we sit here while Pope Fart-Ass, and the pedophile Priests preside over it all. Oh my god, it’s all a fucking Demiurge racket where I come from, and we’re not at all free of it. We moved a bit of this in the Reformation, but it so looks like a mere drop in the bucket from where I sit now. I’ve never really seen the Demiurge as the actual deal I’ve been running from, while thinking I was serving ‘God’. I have a whole heap to feel through and sort out.

I so don’t want this dead ‘Luther’an church deal that I see in your timeline. It hurts to feel your growing up story, Raphael, sitting in such a church twice every Sunday, while Andy waited to reach for the stars. Thank the Divine for the holy boredom that wanted something so much more. That I am actually feeling is such a wild feeling in itself, and how easy it is here with you all, in this Merkabah as you call it, to feel. I feel I best pause here. I’ve been known to be long winded at times, but I actually need to go inwards in a really big way. I have parts of my own that call for my attention. One part is feeling I must be completely deceived. Another wants to move in with you all and never look back. I must tend to this inner family, if I am to find any way at all. Mostly, in this moment, I want to say, I feel so much gratitude for it all, and for you all here.

Raphael: Thank you, Martin, so much for feeling here. Who else wants to share? The quiet is okay too, isn’t it?

Arthur: I think it’s supposed to be me to go next, I just was waiting to get a sense of what to say. I still don’t know, actually. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to open my mouth, when I don’t know what to say. I’m not usually stuck for words. Maybe it’s high time I let go of kingly speeches, and instead find my heart. It’s funny though, because people say I’m known for speaking my heart, and they even had parts of me convinced of that to be the case. Here in your presence, however and the energy in this circle, I feel more like I was speaking and relying on some kind of heartful platitudes, I fear. I feel something deeper and I can’t really describe it, and that feels a bit disempowering to a part of me in the moment as well. I can feel this expanded galactic connection to all of you, to each of you, and it feels like a whole new world. It feels like the world has been blanketed with pure white snow for the very first time and I’m being invited to dress appropriately and to go out and play. Then, I feel a deep anxiety that I won’t know how to play, or that you won’t like me. That’s strange too, because I feel a deep love coming from each of you in this moment.

Then I feel like I’ve never been afraid to do battle when duty called, when the deep things that matter the most are called to be defended and protected. But here, with you, in this place, all those battles feel so far removed somehow. These battles don’t even feel real. What’s really crazy is the feeling that these battles originated from inside of me, and only then got their license to play out externally. Like the cat chasing its own tail.

I’ve been trying to feel my own contribution and value to the mission at hand, in this delegation to the Demiurge. Honestly, I couldn’t begin to tell you what that might be in this moment. It’s a disconcerting thought and a really good one somehow at the same time. I’m hoping that just being here and letting whatever this is that is happening, continue to happen will sort me out. As you said, Martin, I can feel I have parts of me tugging in different directions, with different needs, but so far, it all feels like each part is genuinely excited as well.

I hope that I made some sense. Part of me just now, feels I made no sense at all. I think I will return to listening. Thank you, all, for listening to me.

Andy: You made lots of sense to me just now, Arthur. You felt so kingly before, which is cool too, but now, you feel so much softer and even more interesting. We can go out and play in the snow. I can feel your own Inner Child, Magical Child, Starbeing Self, all of them in there, wanting to come out and play. A crown won’t keep you warm though, you need a warm fuzzy toque to be out in the snow. And then, when we get cold, we come back inside for a fire and hot chocolate. It’s like the best of all the worlds.

Arthur: (in tears) Andy, you touch something so deep in me, that so wants to play again. I want to be able to feel and get to know these parts of myself, that are like you. And yes, I’ll be quite happy to ditch the crown for a fuzzy warm toque, with a big silly dingle ball on top.

Animalea: On those notes, I feel to check in, next. It feels so good feeling each of you share here. I so get what you said, Rhodes, about the altered reality feeling. I feel how we all need our realities continually altered and re-altered, so that we can then be with each of those realities, both new and old. I’m also feeling how far removed it feels here in Golden Earth, from the Demiurge’s reality. That reality is real, but not here in this dimension. From here, it feels so far removed. Demiurge, what Demiurge? When you check into Golden Earth, his reality just dissolves. Maybe, we just need to teach everyone how to check into Golden Earth, and then the Demiurge just becomes irrelevant? But that would be transcending a whole bunch, I get that. An instant fix for sure, but one that leaves a whole bunch unfixed at the same time.

Okay, then I’m feeling how none of us actually need any fixing. I feel like I’m channeling you, Metatron, hope that’s okay. I’m feeling how each of us are living perfectly dialed up stories and dramas, that present us exactly with the circumstances and cast of characters that we need to learn our way through feeling school. It all hinges on feeling. Feeling is the paddle to the canoe. Feeling is the rocket booster to your spaceship. Feeling is what takes us from hell to heaven. But, that’s precisely what the Demiurge deal is most bent on. If there’s one thing his entire deal is about, it’s about not feeling. Those Ten Commandments, and his 40 billion year old virginity, all of it is about his own fear to feel. He, like every last one of us pieces of consciousness commute and transmute through life and experience by feeling. Andy, knows how to feel. He can feel sorrow and switch to joy at the drop of an ice cream cone. When I grow up, I want to be like Andy. The Demiurge’s local dimension is 3D, which isn’t a bad ‘D’ at all. We’ve just despaired of 3D, as it has had so much Demiurge projection into it. I’m feeling how, I can bridge to 3D, if I can get to be at home here in Golden Earth at the same time, without transcending any feeling that the Divine wants me to feel, even if it’s painful.

Okay, I just went all over the place too, didn’t I? Feels like that kind of day. If I dial a bit further down to my heart, I feel this huge gratitude layer. It’s so thick, it’s like there’s still a part of me afraid I’ll choke on it somehow, that I won’t be able to breathe this oxygen, and yet, it gently invites me, to trust and to fall back into it.

I know I want each one of you, so very much. I want to do anything as long as it’s with you. I feel like the Demiurge project is as good as any, in the moment, anything that will allow community to form around some cohesion. I don’t want to do life alone. You are each so different than me, and that is like the most exciting. Thank you for wanting me and seeing me like you do.

~ To Be Continued In Part Two ~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 12, Part 2 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 12

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 12, Part 2 of 2, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

Around Christmas time, I was guided to undertake a journal journey to connect with the Demiurge. Demiurge is the term used by the Gnostic Christians, and others to refer to the Christian god ‘Jehovah’ or ‘Yahweh’. I personally served this ‘God’ until 13 years ago, when I publicly admitted that ‘I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour’, which was a renunciation of my faith, a kind of baptism in reverse if you will, that collapsed my entire known social world that I had built around Christianity.

This journal is a deep dive ambassadorship involving parts of me as well as aspects of my Metasoul, as well as beloved guides taking a journey to connect with the Demiurge to see what we can resolve. Why is the Demiurge the way he is? How have we co-created the Demiurge out of the projections of our own Internal Punisher aspects of ourselves?

These and so many more questions are felt together, as an exciting and deepening connection unfolds along the way.

Today’s Journal entry involves discovering one’s own opposite gender within, and the internal resistances we have to doing that. It seems the Demiurge is in part a big projection of ours built around our fears of our internal opposite gendered aspects of ourselves. ‘Animalea’ is my feminine aspect and she continues here in Part 2 of Day 12.

Raphael: Thank you for being so here, Animalea. How it would move men’s hearts and souls if they could be in deepening connection with their own feminine aspect of themselves, differentiated and personalized, a living, breathing being, with their own distinct tastes and feelings and needs and desires.

Animalea: And with her own wardrobe, too.

Raphael: Yes, we haven’t taken up cross-dressing in 3D, but we sure can etherically, when we want to feel and see beauty and magic. I know for men to open to their inner feminine, opens out worlds, sexually and sensually that men on one hand, so long for, and on the other hand, are so afraid of. Hence, the big pornography pretzel that men can get so easily caught up in. Porn can be an invitation, if we’re ready to feel it that way, to get to know and feel your own inner feminine, and your Inner Teenager who so wants to be initiated into his own potent desirability, very much including his genitals, along with all of his other powers in this world.

You feel like an ocean inside to explore, Animalea. An ocean that I can only explore in stages. Which is probably true for you too, right?

Animalea: My goodness, yes. It takes digestion and integration to feel these things with you. It is such a heart, soul, and body experience that opens a portal, and then it takes some time. And, thank the Divine, that 3D is a time generator, because we each need time to live into the new reality that our feeling together generated.

You mentioned porn, and this so feels like a standstill, or maybe a standoff, that men have with their inner feminine. The woman has willingly shared herself, but in the least personal or vulnerable way, as she offers herself to any man who will hopefully admire, or any man she can kick at with a sense of ‘look at what you can only look at, but can’t have’, depending on what she has going on in her emotional body. It’s a powerful introduction for a man to his awakening sexuality, but it wants to fly free and into much deeper fulfilled realms. It wants to ‘man’ifest in a manhood infestation, that dances in real time with a real woman.

I experience that, Raphael, as you and your mate, Jelelle, connect. Sometimes, I feel like a total lesbian and a very proud one at that, and at other times, I feel like I so get to explore the deep masculine. This is the hottest stuff.

I don’t need to preach about it so much, as much as I feel a need to be around others who are courageously exploring their own depths. I so want to be matched and be able to compare notes and heart chords. This creates a symphony that goes out into the quantum, a whole other layer of orgasm.

I know this must have a bunch to do as well with the Demiurge. All those Christian proscriptions against sex and sexuality, and how the ‘loose woman will take you to hell’ that the book of Proverbs in the Bible goes on about. That all was written by men who tangled a moment with their own inner feminine, got freaked out and needed to run back to their mommies, who would give them milk and cookies like a six year old, when life felt so safe. The feminine and masculine dance together is not meant to be ‘safe’. The dance is for those who have gotten their safety needs met. Boys don’t do heart and passion. All they can do is peak at pictures, and then giggle, and then hide their pictures.

Raphael: This actually brings up a really big question. How much of the Demiurge reality exists because of our collective fear of our sexuality, along with the fear of all of our desires in general? When we embrace a desire, really own it and feel it inside without suppression, it takes us to change. It takes us into the next stages of our growth. The boy can only find the courage and power to leave the goodness and safety of Mommy to one day know Sacred Union with a mate if he can surrender to his desires. Taking responsibility for desires and passions is what the boy, the teen, the man is ever being invited into.

The Demiurge system is built around suppression and shaming the boy at an early age, invalidating his dawning awareness of his sensuality and sexuality. This, in turn, leaves the girl having to go to weird measures to try and get a rise out of the man, to get him to show up with both an open heart and a stiff cock at the same time. The Demiurge system also suppresses the women for her ‘harlotry’, and ‘enticements’ making the weak man the victim of her ‘temptations’. Oh my god, the man is afraid of his own inner feminine, making it and the women the source of our ‘fallen’ nature, like the pathetic Adam and Eve story, in the Genesis account.

Now that my life has lived into a new reality outside of the intensity of the Christian God’s deal, I have so felt wave after wave of new reality about what it means to be with the masculine-feminine dance inside of myself and with a mate. This dance is what has led to a whole bunch of other dances too, like leaving geography, like leaving decades long careers and relationships that were complete to be able to go on to my next steps. In a world of infinite love, there are always ‘next steps’. We are forever the student, being encouraged and enthused to learn.

It would seem that the Demiurge system is about the attempt at capping truth’s ongoing expansion, into ‘thee truth’ and ‘absolute truth’ for fear of surrendering, really surrendering to our own truth. We are invited instead to live into our own absolute truth, while admitting it to be our truth. Here is where our light shines, the city set on a hill that cannot be hidden. Our truth is then lived into and experimented with and the results enter the collective data collection system allowing all to witness and feel into their own truth. Here, we trans-parent each other.

We are faced with maybe the most scary thing about life itself, in that we are our own authority. Our surrender to the Divine is most seen in this surrender to this reality of the authorship of our own lives. A child can not accept this reality, but his ‘UPbringing’ is intended to take him or her there, being modeled by BEings called parents, who can trans-parent this reality into their hearts.

I best pause here, I’m going off a bit aren’t I? How is what I’m sharing landing in you? Anyone?

Martin: This is so different from my reality conditioning as you call it, Raphael. But it rings so true. It rings as my higher truth. I can so feel how I and a whole swath of humanity were wanting to escape and move away from the Demiurge system, and we made some movements, but it feels like those movements were still very much inside of the the same system, just changing the polarity a bit. Protestantism is just that, a protest. It is a solemn movement away from something, even while it is still inside that something. I couldn’t see and feel this without this connection with you all here. Protestantism may be a movement, but it still resonates with all the most basic tenets of Catholicism. It’s all Demiurge, to the core. I want to be done with that Bastard. I want to be done with protesting against his deal. Protesting leaves me in an ongoing relationship with the Demiurge, on the inside. I want to live into a new world on the outside.

I can’t begin to know how to integrate any of this back into the dimension I come from. I’m hoping you can help me with that. Part of me just wants to rescue Katrianna out of our dimension, and join you all here, and not look back. I did that once, you know, rescuing her from her nunnery, floating her out of there inside of a wine barrel. How would you advise me, may I ask?

Raphael: Who has some advice for Martin?

Andy: My advice is follow the fun, Martin. Sounds like you’ve been doing that so far, and it’s been changing and guiding you. Fun isn’t bad or wrong, like Raphael was saying. The Demiurge is the one who doesn’t know how to have fun if his life depended on it. His life actually depends on not having any fun. If he actually began having fun, I think he’d self destruct somehow, or maybe, that’s what he believes to be true. Maybe we can just invite him out to play somehow?

Martin: ‘Follow the fun’. Thank you, Andy. That feels so inviting, but I have to ask,… I can feel a part of me back at protesting, ‘how can that be okay?’ this part of me asks.

Arthur: One thing I’ve learned, Martin, is that even when we are living by the highest of morals and nobility, we are doing it as our highest form of fun. I didn’t realize that till more recently, thinking instead that we were sacrificing for the greater good. We may have given up some of our comforts, but we did it because we wanted to, because that was the funnest fun, if I can borrow Andy’s words. None of us ever escape our own self interest. Even the most self-less act is actually the truest selfish act, where we see and feel the self to be no longer bad, but integral to all that is good.

I’m not sure that offers you any of the advice you were asking, Martin. Actually, I can so feel a part of me feeling the same as you. Camelot lies in ruins. Maybe that is its completion, its necessary outcome, so that something new can come. Maybe an ending is a beginning in this way. I so don’t want to get caught up in trying to revive something that needs to die. But, on the other hand, I can feel another part of me, more than one actually, who knows nothing else than living for Camelot. It would feel like turning my back on Camelot in a big way to not fight to the death for her. Leaving this round table here today, leaves me in quite an internal dilemma. I really want to live and be free, more than anything. I’ve always wanted that. What is the true path to freedom? How have I tried to deal with the Demiurge to get me to the freedom I so desire? I welcome true advice as well.

Raphael: It so feels like your turn, Metatron…

Metatron: I hope no one felt me as checked out today, I’ve felt so present to every word of this round table today. Being with the questions and quandaries is the quest, and breathing through it all. You all are feeling and inquiring on a crazy high level. This so feels like a first to me.

Just feeling and being with these QUESTions on the quest is the quest. I’m a little hesitant to overshadow the process here with any insights that take away from the feeling and connecting you are doing, that we are doing…that is finding its own way.

I’m so feeling how what you and Animalea energized today, Raphael. It’s a romantic quest that one simply shows up for if they want it. It calls you ‘to leave your father and your mother’. Even the Demiurge knew that much. Here the father and mother we are being asked to leave is reality as we known it up till now, in order to let in a new reality. The Divine Father and the Divine Mother wants to trans-parent a new reality into place. The universe lilipads itself from one security to the next. It risks continually in this way, having felt the love and courage that was gained from the previous home. Even the Demiurge reality that held us for so long is now fading in its strength and hold on us. Nothing can hold us in a stasis. We are being invited to come to terms with conscious and continual change, while knowing deeper and deeper self love and security amidst the change. This is the best of all worlds.

Arthur, and Martin, you have pieces to walk out for sure, as you are feeling. As you do walk them out, you open an exponential path in the quantum for the many you have served and the many you will serve. You will so find and feel a grace for the next step. That’s the magical flow that you are living in, continually anchoring you in feeling held and loved, providing the goods to go into the next bliss, while not paving over any pain with that bliss.

This so gets close to the heart of what we are wanting to energize to the Demiurge. He’s not evil, neither is he the pedestalized creator-of-all. He has however been left out of the loop, relationally, holding all of our projections onto him. I’m getting very curious what he’ll have to say to us and possibly even a willingness to feel some things with us.

I don’t think I have much else to say, Raphael. I’ve got a big glow on today, that feels good to feel. I just want to hang out in all of your world and energy for the day.

Heck, I’m with you, Arthur and Martin, I may need to trade in the Archangel business for a retirement here with you all.

Raphael: Wow, I’m not sure you could pry me out of Golden Earth either with a pitchfork and a bulldozer, or anything else. I’m still working on learning how to integrate the worlds. I still have business in 3D, or I wouldn’t find myself waking up there. I just want to let these worlds blend and integrate, more and more, and then some more.

That sounds like it’d be a whole heap of fun that should keep us busy for a good while, wouldn’t you say, Andy?

Andy: Todo, todo, todo, as they say here in Mexico! We get to follow the fun. If we’re having fun, why try to fix anything right?

Raphael: There you have it, people. Take it from a Magical Child Starbeing Aspect. Let’s practice that some today, and see what arises from here.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 13 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 13, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

In today’s entry, we are guided by Metatron into a surprising guided meditation to feel how good and evil are not actually separate, but all contained inside of and part of love. Then from there, we get quite the digestions of this from Martin (from the Martin Luther timeline) and Arthur (from the King Arthur timeline).

This is Day 13 of an ongoing Journal Series called ‘Journal To The Demiurge’. This series is an ambassadorship within to connect to the Demiurge. The Demiurge is another name for the Christian God, Jehovah, or Yahweh.

Here is Day 13:

Good Morning Heart Family! This journey keeps moving on, doesn’t it? I feel asked to show up for it again. I need to ask, Metatron, for some guidance about where to go today, if you would?

Metatron: Let’s do a little guided meditation together, if that works…?

Raphael: Perfect…

Metatron: Okay, settle yourselves in for a ride. Get comfy. Set up a physical space to match an inner space, and let’s travel. See yourself transported to a meadow opening inside of a forest. Though you are by yourself, you are not feeling alone, as you feel held by Gaia, as a delightsome presence. The opening, the warm sun above, the tall green grass, the forest surround, the sounds of many other creatures; all afford you a feeling of being an intrinsic part of nature herself. Here, there is no feeling whatsoever of anything being wrong, or needing to be fixed, as all is submerged in love and super-intelligence. Care and love oozes from every pore of all that you can see and feel. Let this flow into you and reach a saturation point, where you feel like you can’t let in any more. Got that?

Raphael: Working on it…

Metatron: Okay, now, I’m going to ask you to do something strange in comparison. Create another imagination portal to a scene of great abuse. It could be a parent sexually abusing a child, or a government performing some kind of ethnic cleansing atrocity. See if you can also stay in your meadow as you witness and feel the harm and abuse that is perpetrated by what appears to be the powerful upon the powerless.

It may seem like you are watching a movie. Feel the movie, but feel it from where you are. Feel the contrast of these two colliding worlds. Feel both at the same time if you can.

One world has nothing that needs to be fixed and the other has everything seemingly that needs to be fixed. Feel how both worlds are true, and neither cancels out the other. See if you can see any pathway between the worlds.

What are you feeling, Raphael?

Raphael: It’s kind of crazy making, Metatron, to try and hold both realities at the same time. I’m tending to go into one at the expense of the other.

Metatron: Exactly, as they are pretty much at the opposite energies to each other. Put yourself fully in the meadow, and what do you feel about the abuse?

Raphael: It needs to stop. It’s not Okay.

Metatron: Now, put yourself in the abuse. What do you feel about the meadow?

Raphael: The abusers don’t know about the meadow. They need to know and feel the meadow which would take care of the abuse. If they knew the meadow, they couldn’t carry out the abuse.

Metatron: So, your saying, it has to stop, and it would be impossible to carry out if these worlds could be joined. The abuse can only occur while the worlds remain separate, right? So, how then do you join the two?

Raphael: You see that the two are not actually separate, or at war with each other. We’ve just been convinced that they are.

Metatron: I thought you were going to take a while to get there, but you’re right, even if a bit anticlimactic.

Raphael: Well, you kind of got right to the point as well. I’m not sure your guided meditation would be a bestseller though, it’s a bit jarring.

Metatron: Here, here. We’re on the same wavelength then. It’s time in the earth zone and beyond to get the picture. It’s time to see that what appears to be in opposition to one another, in a dual of duality, is actually a part of the same whole. Contrast was needed for consciousness to go deeper into itself.

Raphael: This feels so true to me, Metatron. Are you saying that we’ve made up ideas of what tranquility should look and feel like that are based in a picture of love and fear being in opposition to each other, when they are in fact, not?

Metatron: Precisely, if I could use that word…

Raphael: This has felt like my truth for a long time now as well. I’m ready to accept this as a ‘working hypotheses’, if you will for our task at hand of approaching the Demiurge. I’d like to pause a moment to see if anyone here today doesn’t agree, or has questions. This one feels important to grasp, to align ourselves around, and to not presume an alignment if it isn’t real. So let me ask, if anyone feels differently or has questions.

Merlin: This feels true. It has felt so true for a long time, and has waited to blossom into this now.

Martin: Unlike you, Merlin, I feel like I’m really seeing this for the first time. I saw the Catholic Church hierarchy as the enemy of God, and protested like my life depended on it. Now, I’m seeing that I led a movement that was born out of my own resistance to my own inner darkness. This is so expansive to feel. I was actually afraid of my own inner darkness and was projecting it onto a made up enemy at hand. I mean, that wasn’t that hard actually, for all the crap they were pulling, but wow, it was actually myself that I was actually fighting with. My God, what a mess! There’s whole movements of people named after me, all on board with this same imagined war with self, in the name of battling for God, or battling for the light. The light doesn’t need any warriors, or even workers for that matter, even. This changes pretty much everything, for me.

Raphael: Wow, it feels good feeling you feel all of that, Martin. Thank you for feeling it all. It lets a whole bunch of us fly lighter and freer. Who else?

Arthur: I believe you call this Cosmology, this picture of what is. I too, must make changes to my picture, and I want to, and more than that, I need to. Camelot failed and came to ruins from such great heights. Our loyalty, and camaraderie was based on fighting for the good. It seemed to have made total sense at the time. It took us places and into adventures that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It also, however, came to an end. This puzzled me greatly, and even brought my heart a pain so great, I just came to accept that I might not ever recover from. As I have been so welcomed here to be a part of this round table, I feel my heart trusting again that a place for loyalty, and even a sense of duty, can arise again, but it is a loyalty and a duty to self first, rather than other.

Like Martin, I’m finding this so, expansive, and what’s the words, Andy?… ‘mind blowing’ is about right. It was our picture that faded. It was not wrongs that needed to be righted, but instead the direction of our service to others that needed to begin inside, to and from aspects of our very selves we were fighting, thinking we were being of service to God and Man. I chuckle now at the mess of it all. No wonder it came to an end. More than anything, my heart rejoices at the dawning call to service once again, but inside of a new picture. Women’s and men’s hearts get to ride again, and I shall be most rewarded to again join that ride.

Raphael: Whoah…, Arthur, that changes about a million timelines and hearts, you being willing to feel and heal all of that.

Arthur: And the idea we had of the grail quest…. everyone to this day asking, ‘what was the holy grail?’

Raphael: Yes, please, say more.

Arthur: The holy grail was whatever it needed to be at the time to rally hearts and souls to great purpose, great discovery, true greatness. The grail quest today is the inward journey, and that alone is the path to the true greatness that we already are, and that we wish to embody. That’s what I hear you saying now, and my heart is so revived. I figured this life was nearing complete for me. Now, I’m not so sure.

Raphael: Yes, please take that unsurety and check in for another great quest, Arthur. I so want to learn from what you led, and so do the rest of us here. Your legend lives on, not because you were right, but because you lived from your heart, like you are still doing, and never stopped doing. This is what drew the hearts of men and women, and stirs my heart deeply in this moment. It’s all still here. Nothing that actually matters is ‘in ruins’, Arthur. The old has simply entered death and rebirth to make way for the new, which we can expect to keep on happening. The grail pursuit lives on. Camelot lives on. You live on, in my heart, and the hearts of many.

Arthur: Thank you.

Raphael: Ahhhh, yes, yes, and yes. My goodness, what a day of reconciliation. Who else, if you can find presence of mind to string words together?

Animalea: I can find some words, I think…

Raphael: I was hoping. We could so use a feminine perspective. We were so afraid of the feminine, inside and outside, and I suspect that had so much to do with how we made duality into a bad, and even an evil thing, that then necessitated a ‘Devil’ and a ‘Demiurge’.

Animalea: This feels so true to me, Raphael. I’d like to share with you, and all of us, the story of Sophia. The story, and, Sophia herself, feels really resonant for this stage of our preparations to meet with the Demiurge, and all that we’ve been feeling together up till now.

Raphael: It feels like we’re going to need the night to get ready for that story. Could we save it for tomorrow?

Animalea: I’d like that. I’d like to prepare my heart to share it, anyway. It’s a true story, made up by consciousness itself. It’s a guide for hearts in the darkness.

Raphael: I so want you to energize this story and let it land in me, again, and us all here, and all that are joining this journal. We are about to enter a dialogue that I’m not aware of ever having occurred before.

So let’s pause and reconvene soon.

(to find this entire series to date, go here: You can find the entire series here:

(To receive this series as a free ebook in pdf form, email me at and ask to be put on the list for a free copy of ‘Journal To The Demiurge’)

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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By Raphael Awen

This is Day 14 of my ongoing series: ‘Journal To The Demiurge’. The Demiurge is better known as the Christian God, Yahweh or Jehovah. This series is an ambassadorship attempt at connecting with the Demiurge involving parts of myself, aspects of my Metasoul, my guides, as well as you, the readers; the growing posse of hearts.   

In today’s entry, we hear from Animalea, my feminine aspect who shares her feeling waves of heart bond with Sophia, the Divine Feminine as it lives in her. All of this is in preparation to initiate contact with the Demiurge himself, which feels like it is about to happen soon. Stay tuned.

I also especially invite you to track this series from the beginning if it calls you, so you can be a part of this ‘posse of hearts’ forming to support this undertaking. It may go down in history and herstory both!  To see the entire series, go  here:

Here is Day 14:

Raphael: Good Morning everyone. I’d like to call us back to order, whatever our version of order is. I know it’s been several days since we last met, but it felt like we needed digestion space with some recent life movements and shifts that I suspect all have to do with this intention to meet and connect with the Demiurge.

I want to invite each of you back into this full presence of sacred space with intention and desire. Thank you. I can feel each of you arising.

Animalea, we left off last day with you getting ready to share the story of Sophia, and the sacred feminine. How are you feeling about that?

Animalea: I feel ready, Raphael. I trust the space and each of your open hearts. I did say I was going to brush up on the story, but that ended up feeling way too mental, and I instead came to where I am now, feeling to simply open my heart and simply share to see what comes.

Raphael: I’ve really been waiting to hear you share this piece. I felt you moving through that inner dilemma of preparing your thoughts versus just opening your heart and allowing what wants to come in the moment, which in itself feels like a masculine-feminine dance.

Animalea: Now, I’m curious about what will come out. My conscious mind will find out the same time yours does.

Raphael: That feels perfect. This entire journey to meet with the Demiurge was intuitive guidance and surrender to a process. Both of those feel so feminine to me, with the masculine energy of choice and intention coming alongside.

I felt to presence one more piece before you do that though, Animalea. It feels like what you share may tie in with this piece somehow. The piece I have been feeling is a question of this whole quest, I guess is how I’d say it. The questions arise at this midpoint of the journey, ‘do I, do we really want to make this connection with the Demiurge?’ I feel some internal quandary wondering if we will even gain contact with him. Maybe you can help me feel this, Metatron, would you?

Metatron: Good Morning, Raphael. We can feel anything!

Raphael: You feel a little more upbeat than I do at the moment. Let’s go with that though. Any idea what I, or another part of me, is sorting through here?

Metatron: This feels like a rumble moving through each of us, Raphael. I can feel a place even in myself that feels ‘why not just let sleeping dogs lie?’

Raphael: Exactly, and then there’s this question of having a bunch of bravado about being known as the first to ascend Everest or something like that. Somehow, that’s not enough ducks in a row for me is what I’m feeling.

Metatron: It feels like the sobriety of what we are intending and continuing to do is settling in on us all. We are about to meet with what I know to be one of the darkest energies that has held so many for so long in a suppressive energy. We do need to search our hearts and come fully into our hearts as the only safe place. I do also feel that we wouldn’t have been given this guidance and togetherness were it not for a readiness in the Demiurge. Something big is moving in him and has been for some time. If nothing can be outside of love, then that includes the Demiurge. If that’s true, then us seeking to meet with him is love seeking out love, even if it is about as polarized as it can get at the same time.

Raphael: That helps a lot, Metatron. Thank you. I feel you have something to add, Merlin.

Merlin: Thank you, Raphael. Thank you, Metatron. Thank you for what’s brewing in you, Animalea. I’m getting my heart ready to feel that this morning, and I’m feeling that will address us right where we are at, questions and all. I’m feeling I would just like to take us all to a higher vibrational place, up a few floors to a space of beautiful white light, where everything is light, each of us, the space around us, even the Demiurge himself as an archetypal energy and presence is created by the light, by love. That will get us in a space to receive what is moving through Animalea.

Raphael: Please, take us there, Merlin.

Merlin: Okay, it’s as easy as our imaginations combined with our willingness. See, with your imagination, this place where everything is made of light, and of love, where all is contained by love. See Gaia’s beauty and nature mixed in with a beautiful alive meadow and forest surround to hold the space. Feel yourself as a piece of consciousness itself inside a space where everything around you is also this alive love consciousness. Let yourself arrive here. Get settled and prepare your heart for what Animalea has in her heart to share with each of us…

Raphael: Yes….Animalea. I think we are ready for you. I so want to open my heart to where you have to take us, and I feel each of us in the room as well as all those joining this intention reading and tracking this, all of us creating a space for your download.

Animalea: Okay, wow, this is a lot to calibrate to. Your attention and honour. I’m going to let myself take it all in. Thank you to each of you for your intention and desire to be here, with presence and heart.

I know I said I wanted to share the story of Sophia as it lives in me, and in the moment, I don’t know what I’m going to say in a mental kind of knowing. I feel the energy of the space and intention we are in, that we together created and is being created in every moment, and then I feel to let that energy flow through my heart and words. I so feel the energy of Sophia as that, an entire story of unfolding that we can feel and express in any moment.

She is feminine wisdom in the form of personal expression. She is the very super-intelligence that undergirds all matter, that flows through every movement of all energy, every intention. She is the very recognition that we are energy, and then feeling Her as the mystery of that energy. When we look upon Her, we are transfixed, we are transmuted. We are taken by Her, on a journey into grandeur and wonder. We give Her our desire, our longing, our yearning, and She then takes us into the womb of growth and change. She offers to take us somewhere, even tempts us with our own growth. She has been portrayed as the harlot, seeking to take us to hell, as some externalized place of fear and torment, some place of total regret. This portrayal is really only the projection of our deep fear of our own greatness. She invites us into the kindergarten of our own greatness, but requires us to leave the graduate school of our smallness in order to enroll with her.

She will always be vilified until the masculine is ready to spend the load of his yearning and longing with Her, ready to ride with Her into the full orgasm of where She wants to take someone.

Her energy and invitation can be felt in any now moment you wish to enter and meet with Her. She is all life and all love. All She asks is the admission of your longing, of your desire, so that a flow of energy, a dance of masculine and feminine can occur.

As Mother God, as the creatrix of all, some say that she even created the Demiurge. This feels true to me in the sense that a polarity was needed for there to be a dance between love and fear, dark and light, joy and sorrow. As Metatron has been saying to us all, how else could there even be a story for us to dance in, to feel in, to grow in? Love itself is expanding itself through us. This is the proposition Sophia extends to us.

Call Her the harlot if that’s all you have to give Her and She will wait till you can see Her for what She really is, and for the time you are ready to be taken in by Her. But you cannot know Her till you are ready to surrender into Her power and grace. She will deeply respect your power, being quite willing to wait, but She cannot move you into your next timelines and places till you engage with Her. Where you will end up, is the place of new beginnings that will again invite you into deeper and deeper surrender.

See Her for all of Her beauty and magic and sacred sensuality that She invites you into and now you are really cooking with gas. Fasten your seatbelt, or unfasten it, as you wish, but get ready for the ride of your many lives. She wants to take you somewhere grand and glorious, and She wants to blow the entire budget in one glorious night.

Yeahhhhhh,….. how is this landing?

Raphael: Like sweet, sweet magic, Animalea.

Animalea: Can you say more?

Raphael: Let me ask our circle, who here has some more to say?

Merlin: Sophia so feels like a portal to our Divinity, extended to us in our humanity, and you know what else, Animalea?

Animalea: What?

Merlin: She feels like you.

Animalea: (silence)

Merlin: The ‘isness’ and beingness and invitation that Sophia extends feels like the very same portal that you extend here to us – all the parts, guides and Metasoul connections of Raphael, and that you extend to this mission, and to those joining it, along with their parts, their guides and their Metasoul connections. You are Sophia personified here. Our personal portal to the grand Sophia at the heart of the Universe and at the heart of every molecule that makes up the Universe and Multiverse.

Animalea: (tears)   

Merlin: Please take me as an initiate on your journey. I desire you with all that is in me. I wish to call you, Sophia.

Animalea: I’m in so many different tears at the moment, on a whole bunch of levels, but what penetrated my heart so deeply just now is you calling me Sophia. I have wanted this name as a deeper embodiment of where I feel I want to go. I too am called to surrender and yield to falling in love with Sophia. To be called by her name is a reminder like no other.

Merlin: Then this moment shall be the moment of your name being changed from the sacred awakening journey of Animalea, to the deeper birthing out of that womb into the womb of Mother God, Sophia…portal to all that is, all that we yearn for, all that we are animated for.

Sophia: Okay, well that about spends me in the moment. I cherish this new name and your witnessing of this moment. May I be all to you that you are to me. May we surrender in every moment to the infinite love allness and the journey it wants to take us on. I am eternally grateful for this great company. I accept and embrace my new name, Sophia. Sophia…

Raphael: Sophia, lover of the light, lover of wisdom, lover of love. This feels like a big digestion point. Let’s reconvene as soon as we’re ready to. Who knows where we’ll be going after this!
(To See the entire series, go here)

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey. Visit

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:


By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 15, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

In today’s entry, I check in one last time with my guides about the intention to initiate contact with the Demiurge, just before we set out to do just that on our next day.

I invite you to track this series from the beginning if it calls you, so you can be a part of this posse of hearts forming to support this undertaking. It may go down in history and herstory both!

Here is Day 15:

Raphael: Wow, good morning, everyone.

I am feeling a digestion of Sophia’s shift last time.

I am feeling so grateful for each of you and for this journey together. It feels like without intention, we don’t have connection, and I’m feeling how desire and need precedes all of that, like a circle, spiraling in an upward spiral and ascending higher and higher in creative and recreation process.

If the Demiurge was created by the only source of All-That-Is, that is LOVE, then love is always in movement and flow, even while it is the form of the purest stillness at the same time. In this movement, then the purpose and intention of the creation and co-creation of the Demiurge is shifting, or wanting to shift, and this shift is something being felt in us, moved through us. Each of us is being asked to get to know, feel and love our personal shadow, our personal darkness. We are being asked to come to terms with our own personal hell.

What are you all feeling? I’d like to check in with you first, Sophia. It feels good to call you by your new name.

Sophia: Thank you, Raphael. I feel like I have a mantra on my lips that says, ‘I am the bright, bright, bright, light of God’ and each time I repeat it, it’s like a rocket booster that takes me into a cosmic and galactic space feeling the love that truly upholds all things. It’s a bit higher frequency than being here and even being connected to us all here, or to this journey to the Demiurge, but I’m working on integrating it so I can dial all this in together at the same time. Taking on the new name really has opened out new spaces for me to feel into.

Raphael: Okay, I’ll gladly accept being a part of all that! Yumm. Galactic and Cosmic sound pretty close to orgasmic. They can’t be too far away from each other. They do feel a bit removed though from what I was saying earlier about entering our personal hells.

Sophia: If I may, Raphael, I see it that our hell is the portal to our heaven. One has to be just as willing to be present to both. Both are actually a lot to bear, and both take courage and strength to be with.

Raphael: Yes… that feels so true. Thank you, Sophia, lover of wisdom.

Who else? As you check in today, I feel to put this question into the space: ‘How are we feeling about next steps towards contacting the Demiurge?’ We’ve taken our time to get to this next step. I know I have also felt some fogginess creep into my buoyancy about our mission as well; less focus on the purpose and clarity of connecting with the Demiurge. Part of me feels like ‘if I have it so good, why would I want to make this connection with the Demiurge?’ Could it be that we’ve raised our frequency to the place where the Demiurge doesn’t feel that real or important? Has anyone else felt that? Can anyone else help me sort out what I’m feeling?

Metatron: Good Morning, everyone. I can speak to that, Raphael.

Raphael: I knew you could, please…

Metatron: It’s something we all need to feel together. After Sophia took us to the ‘bright, bright, bright, light of God’ territory, as she so beautifully called it and shared it with all of us, thank you, Sophia…it’s natural to feel this just wanting to leave behind any contending with lower frequencies.

We all needed this frequency increase to prepare us for what’s next, but it’s also so tempting to simply leave these lower realms to themselves. This is why we formed a posse of hearts to hold this intention, desire and energy. None of us could have undertaken this journey alone. No one has undertaken this journey before and for good reasons. The Demiurge is born out of the collective, and so it takes a collective to undertake a formal ambassadorship to make connection with him. My deepest awareness in all of this simply is: none of us get to go home, until all of us get to go home. Consciousness is ultimately leaving no one behind. We can all make great strides of growth and change, but each of us will be called upon to assist the ongoing awakening and remembrance, even as it is, at some point, a personal necessity for our own next steps. I feel called to lead and support this, Raphael.

Raphael: Thank you, Metatron. That goes in, deeply. Wow… who else? I’m feeling you have some pieces, Merlin, yes?

Merlin: It feels like we’re at the place where we’ve made all the preparations and all that’s left is to do what we set out to do, and that is simply to reach out to the Demiurge, attempt to make contact and see what happens from there. Another piece to feel here is that we cannot control his willingness to connect with us. Should he choose to simply not respond, we are kind of left feeling like we failed in this mission. I feel this apprehension among us as we get this close now to simply reaching out. Does that feel true for anyone else?

Martin: That feels true for me, for sure, Merlin. The Demiurge, I’ve always known up till now, simply as ‘God’. I can feel how he feels normal and natural being venerated and feared, but I never heard of anyone approaching him with a conviction that his gig is up, and that he’s a false god, like all the rest of the false gods. He even raged about it in the Ten Commandments when he said ‘thou shalt have no other gods before me’. I can only imagine that any willingness on his part to speak with us would be evidence that he’s had some change of heart since all that was put together. If not, I can’t see we have much chance of gaining audience with him.

Merlin: That all feels true, Martin. It also feels like there’s a deeper piece here for you to. Can you feel if that’s true?

Martin: Yes, I can, and thank you for pushing me a bit. I feel how when and if the Demiurge does have a serious change of heart, it shatters so much of my life’s work. Parts of me haven’t fully come to terms with just what I’m participating in here with you all. There will be tons of remorse yet to feel and heal. There is also fear of repercussions from the people. They gave their trust and I accepted it, all too readily I’m feeling now. So much that was built over time, must now come crashing down. When I travel to your dimension and time and feel what a mess the Church is in, under the Demiurge dominion, I so feel how I need to feel a whole bunch inside, just like we’re inviting the Demiurge to feel.

Merlin: Yes, you got it, Martin. A change of heart in the Demiurge makes for a chain reaction in all of his followers, and in all of those who supported his rise to power, and who benefited from his rise to power. This speaks to the deeper hesitancy we are feeling about opening this portal to the Demiurge. The desire to ‘let a sleeping dog lie’ is understandable, but this dog is beginning to wake of his own accord, and the sooner we bridge to him, the sooner we can hold space for a different future than one that is only a shattering without a new reality on the other side. There is much that needs to die and will die, but it is the rebirth that wants to arise out of all these ashes that we can support. We do that by feeling what there is to feel in each of us. Any and all personal remorse, fear of repercussion, all of it. These are the same things that the Demiurge will be faced with feeling, and he will be able to tell if we are genuine in our conviction. We are essentially inviting him to feel, and then to offer to hold space for those feelings.

Raphael: That really expands out this surface reticence to connect with the Demiurge, Merlin, and Metatron. Thank you. It speaks to our personal responsibility for the creation of the Demiurge, that we need to feel if we are to be any part of his un-creation, and re-creation. We’ve covered a lot of territory in our approach over these days together, but today gets to a deeper bedrock of what we are being invited to feel. And to look at that, lying there just below our hesitation to continue.

Does anyone else have any feelings to share here?

Sophia: I’d like to say, Raphael, to all of us, that all of what we are feeling today can so be held in the Mother’s heart. There’s no remorse too deep for Her to feel, no regret that can’t be felt and moved through with Her help. This is the time of the great rebirth, and we are being offered a place in it, simply by being willing to feel, willing to need love, willing to self-forgive, as we offer that same forgiveness to hearts willing to find their own forgiveness.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. Anyone else?

No? Okay then. Feels like you had the last word on that then, Sophia, which is perfect. Demiurge meets the Divine Mother, pretty much sums up what we’d like to support happening.

I’m feeling to shift next day to making our first attempt at direct connection with the Demiurge. We’ve got some things to feel from today. Let’s take those to heart as we seek guidance about how to approach this next step.

Rest up, everyone. We have some serious journaling to the Demiurge to begin.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:


By Raphael Awen

This is another most epic day of a most epic journey.

Today, the part of me that we call the Gatekeeper directly confronted the Demiurge with its truth about his reality and responsibility. This one rumbled through me like a freight train.

You can read this series from the beginning on our blog here:

Here is this epic day – Day 17

Raphael: Good Morning, everyone, including the Demiurge. The energy has shifted in here, hasn’t it? I didn’t quite know what to expect or if we would even gain connection with you, Demiurge, and here we have it. I feel some awkward feelings even knowing where to go from here.

It feels like I need to be honest about an animosity that I feel inside towards you, Demiurge. I need to say that a large part of me feels that if you were not even here, that we would be better off as a planet, and a universe. Your need to control and suppress, under a false guise of love, feels like it is such a heavy blanket over life here. I also know, at the same time, that we created you, out of our collective consciousness, out of our own need to control and suppress, and so my animosity falls short of an outward rage towards you in the moment. I can feel there is rage here, however, coming from a part of me and from the collective.

Can I ask you how it feels for you to be sharing this space with all of us together?

Demiurge: I don’t feel you as an enraged mob. I feel you all as a group of genuinely curious and awakened souls who want to find out what’s real and to find out what wants to the next reality for humanity going forward.

Raphael: Do you have any sense of what that ‘next reality’ for humanity is about?

Demiurge: I feel curious, much like you. I know I’m feeling big changes in myself, and that more change is coming, but I don’t know what it will look like going forward.

Raphael: What are the changes you are feeling inside?

Demiurge: Helping Humanity stay small and suppressed isn’t something I ever enjoyed.

Raphael: The words helping and suppression don’t usually fit that well together. Can you say more?

Demiurge: I was born out of people’s disowned higher states of consciousness. People surrendered to me their own higher power, which is what in turn made me, ‘Thee Creator’. I see, Raphael, and to each of you assembled here, that I was created out of the creative consciousness of a humanity that was not ready to own their own creative consciousness. Hence, my name and my designation, Demiurge, which means Creator. People are now waking up to their own relinquished creative power and they are feeling how they are being invited to take responsibility for their own souls, their own lives, and relationships with life. I can see my days are numbered.

Raphael: Wow, that’s a change. There’s a text in the Bible that says, ‘Teach us, oh Lord, to number our days, so that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom’. Now, you’re saying that you; the ‘eternal’; the ‘unchanging’ one; that your days are numbered?

Demiurge: I’ve known that for a long time actually.

Raphael: I must say, this feels so different for a part of me, as to what I was expecting in meeting you. If you already know that your role is ending, then it feels like a whole bunch of what we thought we were hoping to achieve in this delegation is already taken care of. I’m a little at a loss for words right now. It almost feels like our work is done, a bit deflating, I must say. Can I defer to you, Metatron?

Metatron: Yes, thank you, Raphael. And, thank you, Demiurge, for being willing to connect with us.

Demiurge: Thank you for wanting to connect with me.

Metatron: There is a huge cosmic shift that we are all feeling, that led us to take this undertaking to connect with you, Demiurge, and that you in turn have also been feeling in sensing the coming changes. But these changes are not yet manifest in most people’s experience. We can sense what is coming and even what wants to come, but this doesn’t mean it’s time to put our feet up and wait for it. Far from it. We can be in rest as we labour, knowing the ultimate outcome, but humanity still has a huge birth canal ahead of them, and that is what this summit meeting is about. These are the labour pains of love that are about to come upon us. Humanity is coming of age. Humanity is about to give birth.

Raphael: That helps to feel, Metatron. I still feel some stuck though at the moment in an anticlimactic feeling. Some part of me must have been expecting a big battle with you, Demiurge, to get you to open up, or to soften, or to come to your senses, maybe even to rage at you for all the harm and suppression that’s happened and still happening in the name of God. Where did all that go? I’m wondering if a part of me has something different that needs to said, a part of me not ready to get on with the larger grand cosmic purpose of love just yet?

Metatron: Yes, that feels true, Raphael. I’m learning that about you and your kind. It’s the feelings that need to be felt in order for love to be able to flow. I welcome hearing from that part or those parts of you.

Raphael: Is this Okay with you, Demiurge?

Demiurge: Yes, it is.

Raphael: I welcome any part of me that needs to say its piece…

Rhodes: I feel it’s me who needs to speak up here.

Raphael: Please do.

Rhodes: I don’t think this is going to be pretty…

Raphael: I was hoping it wouldn’t be pretty. I’m hoping it will be real.

Rhodes: As an Inner Protector who had a long role in holding the parts of Raphael, who journeyed through life this life, and then going on to the role of Gatekeeper, and feeling the soul aspects from other lifetimes and dimensions who also have lived in suppression, I feel a voice loud and clear that wants to scream at you, Demiurge…

Raphael: I welcome this voice, Rhodes. I know this voice lives in you, and me, as my truth teller. I know this delegation isn’t going any further until we can feel together what you are holding. I invite you to take the space and share your truth. It doesn’t need to be pretty at all. We will feel it all together afterward.

Rhodes: Okay, thank you. Demiurge, I feel I need to look you in the eye as I say this, and I need to feel everyone’s open heart in this space and look you all in the eye as I say this as well.

I feel such a big ‘fuck you, Demiurge’ inside that feels like a giant unstoppable freight train. Fuck you for your suppression. Fuck you for your role as God. Fuck you for your fucking around with human consciousness. I don’t buy this love and light bullshit that it was all meant to be and that we all co-created it and so that it’s all of our joint responsibility. Do you have any fucking sense of the pain and the heartache what it feels like to be living under the suppression you and what your godless godhood has created? Have you ever felt the eternal unchanging hopelessness of living with a false light? Do you have any feeling at all of the mind-fuck it is for young people to be trained to love their suppressor? Have you EVER felt that?

I have felt that almost all of my existence. I have felt what it feels like to care for suppressed parts of Raphael, and others, and Metasoul Aspects who are just so tired of your heartless deception.

Do you know, Demiurge, what title was draped around Raphael’s neck when he found the courage to say he no longer subscribed to your deal? ‘Deceived’, was the title the faithful had to choose out of their loyalty to you, the great deceiver. There is no greater deceiver that I have ever seen or witnessed than you, and if I could go my way, right now, without giving you one more conscious thought, I would. I would like to forget you ever existed. I would like to forget all the pain that has been caused in your name under a false righteousness. I don’t know if a purer hatred has ever been felt than what I feel moving through my heart for you. This whole delegation can go to hell in a handbasket if I’m being asked to pretend that any of these feelings are not real down to my core, and down to the core of the universe.

I want you to fuck off and die, Demiurge. Take your awakening with you.

This is what I feel, Raphael. I know some of these feelings come from different parts of you in different times and dimensions of your life, but in this moment, there is no time. It’s all here to be heard in this now.

Raphael: I almost feel not to break the silence following these words, Rhodes, for us to just silently go on our way instead today. I so feel the rumble of these words. I feel the lifetimes they have been in waiting. Every word you just spoke needs to be felt and digested here, by each of us. It is what is real.

I don’t know what else to do, but let these words have their place in our hearts to digest and that we can reconvene after that. This is the first of many truths that need to come to light. Thank you to each of you for feeling and being present in this space here today. I don’t know what’s next, but I wouldn’t miss finding out for anything.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Day 18 ~ Journal To the Demiurge

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 18, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

Today is Easter Sunday and in today’s ‘Journal To The Demiurge’; God has a meltdown – marrying the pagan death and rebirth with a Christian kind of repentance.

The Demiurge is another word for the Christian God, Jehovah, or Yahweh, who has been mercilessly created in our own image and stuck with our pedestalized shadow sculptings into a huge pretzel.

In the Journal entry prior to this one being released today, a part of me told God off in a big way. In today’s journal, the Demiurge responds with a huge heart opening and transparency!

Here is Day 18: 

Raphael: Okay, All. Let’s reconvene.

That was a big deal to digest. I felt a lot of rumblings through me and even raw edges that I’d like to digest here together, but it feels like it should be Demiurge who has the first opportunity to respond. Can you respond, Demiurge?

Demiurge: Yes, I can. Thank you. That popped something big in me. Rhodes, your words penetrated my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible. I’ve never felt your reality, any of you, like I did with your words, just my own reality. I’ve always passed off responsibility for my own actions onto others and onto the people themselves for exalting me as their sovereign. I have known for some time that something deep was shifting inside and outside. I just couldn’t feel what it was. I’m coming now to know what it is. I’d very much like to say, ‘I was wrong, and I am sorry.’ If there is anyway, I can be forgiven, I’d like to find that.

Raphael: My goodness! What a new timeline. The ‘God of heaven and earth’ seeking forgiveness. Wow. This is another layer to digest. This changes the trajectory of this summit. I felt a big rumble through me since Rhode’s confrontation of you, Demiurge. It felt like the remnants of a fear held inside of me of some kind of repercussions from you coming from parts of me or parts of my Metasoul. I’d like to check in to see who that might be.

Martin: I know, I’m definitely a piece of that, Raphael. I’ve held some hesitations about this whole idea of direct connection with you, Demiurge, as the Demiurge, rather than as the Christian God, in Christian surrender and obedience. I’m completely blown out of the water with all this. I’ve always felt fear of repercussions from ‘God’. When Rhodes told his truth, he spoke a truth from way down inside of me that I’ve never allowed to see the light of day. It scared part of me to feel that Rhode’s truth was my truth.

What I also know is that I used the conviction of being right with God as a powerful self-righteous superiority to bolster and bypass my own inner parts of myself that have never known real worth or real power. I see that I lived in fear of God as a small price to pay for having power over others. My god, to feel that I spawned a whole historic movement with my fear and my invalidated parts of myself is almost too much to bear. If only I could have seen this without needing the mirror of an entire denomination and 500 years to show it to me, and to the world?!

Raphael: Wow, what a revelation, Martin! From ‘the just shall live by faith’ to this. Wow. Let’s make space for other reactions and we will find the space to digest all of these together. Who else has reactions to Rhode’s words or to Demiurge’s words?

Arthur: I feel like I don’t deserve to be a part of this, having waffled between posturing to appease the Christians and posturing to appease what I knew to be real in Avalon, but couldn’t claim it,…didn’t claim it. I am very surprised to feel this unfolding to say the least. This changes history so much. I’d very much like to somehow change my history. I’m very sorry, as well. I was wrong. I’d like to be forgiven also.

Raphael: Metatron, feels like your turn? 🙂

Metatron: Thank you, Raphael. This changes everything. What was real before, is no longer real. There is remorse, now plain to see and feel. There were roles to play that have now completed. Remorse is the alchemy that births out the change. All that is required to right a wrong is to feel what there is to feel. Find and feel the part of you who did what it did and why it did what it did. You’ll find all the compassion needed for yourself and for those around you. Forgiveness begins with self forgiveness. When you forgive yourself, others forgive you. When others hold grudges, they are mirroring to you your own inability to forgive yourself.

Raphael: That’s so awesome to feel, Metatron.

Metatron: Isn’t it? I must admit, I got it from you, though. When we can see our makeup of parts of ourselves, we can go so many places we haven’t gone before.

Rhodes: I can so feel this about my own anger at ‘God’. A part of me was punishingly angry at myself for using my godlike powers for lesser things, to be smaller than I was, to cow down to other gods. I so couldn’t see any way out of this loop and so in turn projected the anger outwards. I feel in the moment, Demi, if I can call you that, how my anger at you was anger at myself. I’m sorry for that.

Demiurge: (gentle tears) Thank you, Rhodes. I don’t think you know this, but I always looked up to you like a god, and now I know some of why I did that. I’ve wanted to shed a skin for as long as I’ve existed, but felt it just wasn’t moving, would never move, and so I accepted it as the fate of the gods, to be this lesser god. I see you shedding this skin of your own, being born anew, Rhodes. I’d like nothing more than to experience the same. I’m sorry for the limitations I held for myself and for you. And yes, I can very much use a new name. Demi sounds good to me.

Rhodes: (also in gentle tears) You were the God, we couldn’t inhabit, couldn’t accept ownership of. We all created you, worshipped you and tried to hide our resentments of you at the same time. We really fucked ourselves up doing that. I’m sure, Metatron and Raphael have a metaphysical explanation for why we’d do such a fucked up thing, that helps us feel it as being part of the love we are, but in this moment, it feels really fucked up.

Demi: Fuck! I have never actually used that word. Not once before. That felt really good. Fuck! I have a lot to let go of and a lot to embrace, but somehow, I can feel in this space surrounded in all of your energy how this can all flow naturally and in time.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you turned God into a foul mouth. I don’t mean to make light of something so profound, but this is the lightest proundundity I’ve ever felt. There’s deep coming home to self that feels so easy, and beautiful and natural. There isn’t any right way all of this is ‘supposed’ to be. There is deep sorrow and joy in the same space. There are deeper layers to feel for sure, but I feel they will come for us personally and collectively as we digest this. You just can’t make this stuff up, can you, and yet, that’s just what we did, didn’t we? I’m at a loss for any more words right now.

Does anyone else want to say anything for the record today?

Andy: I do.

Raphael: Yea, Andy. What say you?

Andy: I can feel there’s a whole lot of fun ahead. I so get that we need to feel these big pieces, but I feel oceans of fun and discovery that are waiting for us all to come out and play.

Raphael: I can only imagine, Andy.

Andy: I want to do more than imagine, Raphael, but imagining is a good place to start. It will take us there.

Raphael: You’ve got my vote, Andy. How about some breakfast, some new scenery and more connection soon?

Andy: I’m liking it.

Raphael: Thank you, everyone. What a new world we just entered. Let’s digest and be back soon.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Day 19 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

By Raphael Awen

I set out to connect with the Demiurge (as an Archetype of the Christian God, or Jehovah as he is known, in the Old Testament sense) some days back. Today’s journal entry penetrates the false world of the false God we created out of our need for separation and then, rememberance with the love that we are.

Some very tender tears and feeling points emerged today.

You can read this entire series from the beginning on the blog here:

Here is Day 19:

Raphael: Good Morning, everyone. Everyone…, as in here in this immediate circle, yes, but also in ‘the many’ in the emanating circles flowing out from this one – Good Morning to you. ‘God Morning’ to you. A new day is dawning and it is as full of God as God can be.

When I feel what has moved for us in this journey, it so feels like a very wide and open space has opened out for us, creating a palette that awaits our imprint. I feel like I don’t know where to begin. The landscape is of fresh fallen snow so pristine. Can anyone help me out here?

Demiurge: In the silence just now, I thought for sure it would be Metatron who would speak for us all, but after waiting, I feel it is supposed to be me. I’m not sure I can speak, but I feel compelled to at least try. All of your intention and action to undertake connecting with me has opened out a place in me that I didn’t even know was there. I feel a gratitude that feels as large as what I can only describe as an ocean of falseness inside of me. Being the projection of everyone’s disowned power makes one look powerful, even feel powerful in moments, but underneath it all, I have felt like people’s disowned smallness and impotence, and fear. I have had official duties to carry out to keep the charade in place, but all of it is so far from real.

Raphael: Thank you, Demi. I like calling you by your new name. You don’t feel like the Demiurge to me any more. Maybe, Demi won’t even feel like a fit before too long at the rate of change you are living into now. This feels so tender what you are admitting and feeling today.

Demi: Thank you, Raphael.

Raphael: I want to ask you what it was that prevented you up until now from admitting the falseness you admit to today.

Demi: That question feels so large inside of me right now. The relief that I feel flooding into my being to make this admission so begs the question why I couldn’t or wouldn’t have done this sooner. I know it has to do with being literally fused to my reality, to not being able to see that there even was any options available to me. I don’t mean to say by that, that I don’t bear any responsibility, because I do. I know I accepted the projections the people put on to me, and I didn’t have to. I accepted that role as something at the time that seemed just too good to pass up. I wanted to be God, the creator and the destroyer of worlds. I was captivated by the role for a long time. But then, that captivation began to change, slowly, but with an unmistakable back pressure.

Raphael: To witness you, Demi, in a true alchemical midlife crisis is just so amazing to me in this moment, even beyond a midlife crisis really, stepping out into something new.

Demi: I can so feel the part of me that wants to curl up and die, to go away, to not face anyone. I need to feel that part of myself, and I also feel I need to accept responsibility for what I created, to feel what I avoided feeling, to feel people’s honest reactions.

Raphael: Well, in my book, if you are feeling all of that, at the same time, you are a true king of hearts.

Demi: I’d really like to ask your advice, Raphael. I know you asked my advice on so many occasions, under the false pretenses that are falling as we speak. I humbly ask you for your help and guidance. I want to live. I want to love. I want to fully accept my responsibility for what I’ve done, but I don’t want to live forever in punishment if at all possible.

Raphael: (tears) I am humbled by your humility. Looking in your eyes and feeling you, seeing you, come to terms with your remorse moves the entire universe, Demi. This is an act of your true Godhood. My advice is simply to feel us all feeling in this moment. Feeling what there is to feel while it is being felt is what transmutes everything that is awaiting transmutation. I’m so honored to share this moment with you.

Demi: I literally don’t know, what planet I’ve entered now.

Raphael: Metatron, maybe you could help us a bit here. What planet are we on? I’m not so sure myself.

Metatron: This is all the planets, Demi and Raphael. This is what holds together all matter and all spirit. This is what answers the heart cry of creation itself. This is the homecoming of love to itself.

Love birthed out of its oneness, a twoness, and in that was a great potential for relationship on one hand, but also, and fearfully so, was also a potential that this twoness would remain outside of the oneness in its experience, separate from love. Love seemed given to reckless abandon to do it anyway, prizing the gift of relationship over the fear of loss. What we are feeling today is loves vindication. Love has won. Love is winning. And, love still has much winning that has yet to occur. All of these are true. Love is out to marry its essence with all of experience.

Raphael: My goodness, Metatron! That is so wild. I thought you were going to help us locate ourselves a bit here. I feel more lost than I did before, but in a good way. Wow.

Metatron: Get used to it, my man! There’s a few more steps on this staircase awaiting the tread of your feet. You’re the one speaking about things awaiting to be felt. This is what creation itself is waiting and wanting to be felt.

Raphael: I recall that familiar verse in the Bible that says ‘the whole earth, or cosmos, groans in travail, as in birth pangs for the manifest sons of God’, and this moment reminds me of that.

Metatron: And what, Raphael, are the manifest sons of God? What do they do, what ‘be they be’ that makes them the manifest sons of God?

Raphael: I’d defer that question to you if I thought you’d let me, but I can tell you want my answer. Hmmm, what makes a manifest son of God? No pressure or anything, just the question at the heart of the universe wanting to be untangled. I’d say that has to do with feeling. Everything that is both right and wrong in the world has to do with what is felt or unfelt in the world. Sonship and daughtership is a relationship, an opportunity that begs feeling, a fireplace for the fire. When feeling what there is to feel is repressed, we create monsters of destruction that ultimately serve to take us back to our common need for love. Sons and daughters feel. Feeling takes us back to love. Even the monsters of our own creation are gifts that remind us of the love we are and always were, even as we individuated out from God, as a son or a daughter. I am a son and I am God. Both are true. How’d I do, Metatron?

Metatron: You’re rockin’ it man. You’re more metaphysical than I am sometimes!

Raphael: I think I need some ‘mega’physical about now. What say we take in some sun and surf to let in this piece? I know Andy wants to play, and I want to play too. Let’s rest up, digest and continue soon. We have a few more pieces left to feel together it feels like. Thank you, everyone.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

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