By Deva Yasmin
There are so many ways I can see, of how parts of me can push beyond feeling pain in order to attain or achieve certain experiences. The spiritual search for a long time was a search for a place free of pain for me, the attainment of bliss states and higher consciousness feeling so much more superior and desirable, than acknowledging the pain and suffering parts of me were experiencing. I still see it playing out for parts of me, especially as we taste more of the bliss, joy and contentment that is arising, they desire to stay there, but as Embodied Divine Humans, that is not our purpose to remain there it feels like.
The thing is these states are actually arising, from me being willing to acknowledge, feel and listen to the pain and trauma my parts have experienced, not from any pushing away of, or striving towards, a particular state, this actually blocks bliss. It feels like the reason I can experience these more joyful feelings is because, as I deeply know the experience of the opposite, I can appreciate the true simplicity of what joy truly is. This is a constant circling between the both for me and my parts, there is no end place and yet there is a place of experiencing more and more goodness coming in, only as I am willing to let go of what is not loving or bringing feeling of goodness.
This is the cost it feels like, to experience the fullness of who we are, and what this life and universe has to offer us as Divine Humans. Through feeling the pain and trauma, I am liberating parts of me from the prisons and Matrices they have learnt to call home, but to leave the only home they have known is painful too. To leave behind what they felt was nurturing, loving and resonant for so long, to go towards the more that I feel is available, brings up so much for them to digest. To realize how much of what they felt was Love, has actually been toxic and kept them inside the prison walls, is painful, tender, vulnerable and raw.
There is a time, and a self loving paced, organic-ness to being ready to soberly look into the reality of the life that was known for so long. As parts are felt and validated in what they have experienced; first by others in sessions, which then templates how we can valid ourselves, more space opens inside of us. As I am deepen in this process, I experience how this space becomes available for higher dimensional aspects of myself, as well as Divine beings to come in and support my continued exploration with my parts.
The ones we have been longing for, the parts of us who have the higher wisdom we have been seeking for, and the Beings of Love who we have been calling for, for so long, forgetting how close they have always been, come in to us. It feels like our commitment to keep showing up for ourselves, is a beacon, as we become more attuned to feeling, we become more sensitive to the higher frequencies all around us. This for me is so much more embodied, which brings a visceral confirmation of what is real and the Love that is always here.
When I have pushed to attain a certain state, the higher frequencies can feel ‘floaty’ or ‘wishy-washy’, they cannot ground and actually be beneficial in my everyday life. My parts cannot let it deeply in, in the ways that is needed for them to feel, heal and integrate their past experiences. They cannot rest within me if they cannot FEEL, the stable presence of the safety these higher frequencies and Divine Beings are offering them, especially I feel Divine Mother. She feels so significant to my parts process right now, as I digest with parts of me who have never felt held or nurtured.
It feels like if we keep pushing beyond pain as it is arising, not being sensitive to the subtle contractions, we keep ourselves in the prison of feeling alone and in pain, we keep ourselves in the suffering loops. As I write this, I feel how I am learning to be really present to the subtleties of all this, this no longer has to be a process of digging and trying to unearth pain or trauma, the pain arises organically in response to just BEing in life, being available to the healing life is offering us in every moment. As there is more and more goodness arising, it can be quite the process as well to let that in, I feel many of us who have been on this journey for a while will resonate with the striving and pushing for healing, or the over focusing on what is wrong, it can feel quite addictive to parts who are so used to the frequencies of abuse and trauma, to want to stay there it feels like.
I feel I am entering into more of a space of flow with the process, and an availability for what is real in the moment, letting life and what is in my heart lead my process. This feels to me what it means to be embodied. Parts of me no longer want to get out of the body to find home, or out of feeling pain, because they are realizing more and more from experience, that their true home, their higher frequency origins and their Divine nature activates and arises from within, as they feel and clear the pain and trauma they have held onto for so long, because that is what has felt like home.
The empty space that is opening up within me and within my life, through my willingness to feel pain and no longer hold onto places, people & patterns in my life that cause more pain, can feel both completely full of potential and completely void. So many questions, and so much time to explore them, so much to digest, and so much clarity to be birthed in me too, A space of feeling, healing and becoming.
I find myself in the moment honoring a very tender process with my younger parts as they let go of relationships that have been abusive and toxic, non of this is easy, but it is real and honest, and that is what my Soul longs for. This is what my woman’s heart longs for, and as my parts learn to trust me, and they experience the beauty and goodness living life lead from a tender, vulnerable, open heart brings, feeling pain becomes SO worth it and SO valuable, as it becomes the Inner Compass guiding us home, always, to LOVE.
Deva Yasmin is a SoulFullHeart Collaborator & Facilitant. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc