Category: Birth Family Relationships

Day 16

You have been through many painful and difficult times.  I feel how you need to be healed in those in order to pursue your new role as guide.  These are not easy to feel but it is necessary for both you and Christopher.   We have been together a long time and I desire us to choose a different path this life.  A different arrangement.  This will all unfold over time and as you heal.

Christopher-  Good morning, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel-  Morning, Christopher.  How are you this morning?

C:  I still feel a little sleepy, but I had a great sleep.  I feel a lot bouncing around in regards to the future.  I wanted to check in with you to feel more into what we discussed in our last post.

N:  The weight of the world?

C: Yeah.  Still holding it?

N:  Feels like I am somewhat.  There are times I just want to let go of this role of guide and just go to sleep like Angela.  She looked so peaceful.

C:  I can feel that.  There is a tiredness in your energy for sure.

N:  Feels like I have been doing this forever.  So much attention to guarding and being attentive to danger.  I have a pessimistic view of the future sometimes, if not most times.  I am so used to seeing humanity as a threat rather than an ally.  Hopeless rather than hopeful.

C:  Hard to feel energy for the future feeling that way, huh?

N:  Yeah.  I want to be a part of your awakening, Christopher. I am just in a transition right now.  Trying to feel my new role.

C:  What do you want that to be?

N:  Well, I know I don’t want to feel the burden of protection anymore.  But I have been doing it for so long.  I want to use my gifts of clairvoyance to help guide you along.  I want to be a part of tearing down the false structure that permeates this whole dimension.

C: I see you clutching your sword.  You feel like you want to go into battle.

N:  Part of your past lives.  Your soul has been a part of many noble battles to fight against tyranny.  I fought along side you.  Old habits die hard.

C:  Wow.  I can almost see them.  They don’t end well for me.

N:  No.  I feel your soul had enough of war and death.  I had enough of it.

C:  Do you feel what I am embarking on is like a battle?

N:  Like I said, old habits.

C:  Well, we can create new habits.

N:  I would like that.  I am weary of the futility of war.  I want to be a part of something different.  So much blood, pain, and fear.  All in the name of power and control.

C:  We can be a part of an army of love, Nathaniel.  We can’t hide and sleep though.  We must be awake and engaged.  We don’t have to take up the sword.  We will use the magic of the heart.  The Grace of Divine Love.

N:  I like the sound and feel of that.  That feels more natural to me, even though I haven’t felt it in a long time.

C:  You are not a fighter Nathaniel.  My soul chose that for its own reasons and you felt duty bound to protect.  You are seer.  A prophet.  A wise guide.  I have a warrior aspect, but that is not you.  I need your gifts to help me grow and help others heal.  That is how we defend against the tyranny of the false structure.

N:  This is beginning to sound like a movie.

C:  We are in it right now.  You are a supporting actor.

N:  I liked Gandalf in those Hobbit movies.

C:  Really?  Why?

N:  There is just something wise and powerful about him.  I like the staff instead of this sword.

C:  You can change that if you wish.  The sword belongs to the warrior anyway.  Give it to me and I will see that he gets it.

N:  That makes me feel a bit nervous, but I really don’t want this anymore.

C:  Hold this staff and see how it feels.

N:  Where did you get this?

C:  Amazon.  A Black Friday special.

N:  Huh?

C:  Nevermind.  A dense human joke.  How does it feel?

N:  I really like it.  I feel different just holding it.  I could get used to this.  Thank you so much, Christopher.

C:  You are so welcome, Nathaniel.  My soul thanks you for all the lifetimes of service and guarding.  I can feel it wants to talk to you.

N:  Uh…okay.  This is a twist.

C:  Let’s just go with it.

Soul:  Hello, Nathaniel.

N:  Hello, Soul.

S:   I wanted you to feel my love and gratitude for all you have meant to me.  You have been through many painful and difficult times.  I feel how you need to be healed in those in order to pursue your new role as guide.  These are not easy to feel but it is necessary for both you and Christopher.   We have been together a long time and I desire us to choose a different path this life.  A different arrangement.  This will all unfold over time and as you heal.

N:  Thank you, Soul.  I feel how this will take time for me to digest.  We have been through so much, you and I, even though we were never conscious of being separate.  It will be hard to go down that road but I can feel the benefit for both of us.

S:  Mother will be with us, Nathaniel.  She can help hold us through the darkness.

N:  I need to rest now, Soul.  So much to take in.

S:  I understand, Nathaniel.  Take all the time you need.  Thank you so much again, Nathaniel.  I am forever grateful to you.

N:  Thank you for that.  I am trying to let that in.

S:  More time.

Christopher:  We will check in later, Nathaniel.  Enjoy your staff.

N:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  I will.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

Day 15

I just put it all on me.  This duty and obligation thing.  It feels like us daemons have been so isolated that it feels like we are all on our own. We have been so used to it that we have forgotten the reality that there are more of us with the exact same mission.

Christopher:  Good morning, Soul.  May we speak again?

Soul:  Of course we can.  I am not a part you have to check in with.  I am you.

C:  Right.  I am so used to doing that.  And it is still odd to be communicating with my soul.

S:  It is sad that you consider it odd.

C:  Yeah.  It is sad.  That feels like a conditioning from a part of me.  To a sacred human, communing with our soul is as natural as breathing.

S:  Yes!  Well said.  It is natural because we are one in the same as I mentioned before.  We just do this writing thing until we no longer have to do it.  Sooner or later we will be one.

C:  That feels exciting, yet my intuition tells me there is a lot of difficulty in that too.

S:  Well, just to the degree that you fight the current.  I can feel your neck tense again.  That could have something to do with it.

C:  That is what I wanted to talk to you about.  I just had a massage and it is back to being tense again.  What gives?

S:  What do you feel is going on?

C:  The obvious thing is that a part of me is digesting what is going on and is quite a bit nervous about how this is all going to “work out”.  I have been journaling with him and feeling his worry.  He expressed that if he felt a larger context then he might be able to breathe more.

S:  That larger context is more you?

C:  Yeah.  I feel that is why I am getting in touch with you.

S:  Have you talked with Nathaniel, your daemon?

C:  Not as much as I was.  I have been focused on Angela and Simon.

S:  I would suggest talking with him.  He could be feeling squeezed out.  Your direct connection to me is heavenly but you have an ally and a guide in Nathaniel.  He needs to be felt too.  I would try that and then we can talk.

C:  Okay.  I will do that.  Thank you, Soul.

S:  Thank YOU.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christopher:  Good morning, Nathaniel.  Is it okay to talk?

Nathaniel:  Sure.

C:  I am really sorry about not speaking with you lately.  I have been focused on Angela and Simon.  This is hard for me to keep in touch with everyone.

N:  I know, Christopher.  You have been so great with Angela.  I am comforted by that and also unsure as to where that leaves me.  You have this connection with the voice of your soul and so, what part do I play?

C:  I don’t know where to go with this, Nathaniel.  I don’t want to sideline you.  I feel you are an important part of this journey up ahead.  I need you with me.  I want you with me.  I am so sorry you feel purposeless.

N:  I need to feel purpose, Christopher.  Without it, nothing has meaning.  When I feel humanity, there is a purposelessness.  This leads to meaninglessness.  This leads to disconnection and eventually torment.

C:  What IS your purpose, Nathaniel?

N:  I don’t know anymore.

C:  Yes, you do.  Mother talked to you about it recently.

N:  She said I was a guide.

C:  Yes.  My guide.  What are you guiding me toward?

N:  Your true purpose, your destiny.

C:  What is that?

N:  To be a leader, a steward of a New Earth.

C:  Whoa.  That sounds like a big job.  A part of me feels overwhelmed.

N:  That would be me.  I can feel how I am taking ownership for making this happen.  My duty and responsibility.

C:  I don’t feel we were meant to do this alone all this life.  It feels to me that we can only live into that purpose day to day with an open and transparent heart.  I feel like we need to step that picture down a notch without losing the truth in it.  Not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

N:  I tend to see things in big pictures.  It can be a gift and a burden.

C:  Well if we feel when it is a burden together, we may be able to feel the gift in it.  Why does it feel like a burden?

N:  I just put it all on me.  This duty and obligation thing.  It feels like us daemons have been so isolated that it feels like we are all on our own. We have been so used to it that we have forgotten the reality that there are more of us with the exact same mission.

Mother:  You are so right, Nathaniel.  My heart weeps for you and the others.  There is so much you could all do together if you all knew each other.  A coming together of family.  Your daemon family.  But not just by yourselves, with your sacred humans.  All working and thriving together to foster a new consciousness on Earth.  I pray each day that this happens before it gets hard and difficult.  This may be the time it happens though.  You, Nathaniel, are a leader of your kind as well.  Christopher has his destiny as well as you.  But like Christopher said, you are not alone.  You have three others with you, dear one.  I am with you.  Father is with you.  Use us for your fear, frustration, and fire.  You have all that you need in abundance.  You just need to desire it, and it is yours.

N:  Thank you, Mother, so much.  I needed to hear this.  I want to heal this feeling of isolation and burden.  I want to be your Divine guide in the name of Love.  I want this not for glory, but for You and love itself.  I have some things to work on, Christopher, and I need your help.  I want us to be partners in this.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.

C:  Oh, Nathaniel.  You won’t be.  I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.  We have a lot of purpose to attend to, you and I, but it will not be done in isolation or in one big gulp.  We have had lifetimes together but separate.  This time we do it the way it was meant to be.  In a family of SoulFullHearts.

N:  That sounds Divine.

C:  More than we can possibly imagine.  : )

Soul:  Amen….

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

Day 14

I can feel how so many women live under the fear of this tyranny.  Either fear of the man himself, fear of being alone, or both. They are taking their power and putting into something outside themselves.  And those that do claim their power back, turn it into hate for all men in general or become masculinized themselves.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.

Angela:  Good morning, Christopher.  You seem a bit distracted.

C:  Hmmm…yeah, a bit I guess.  I was feeling into your name and it reminds me of someone in my family.  When I say it or type it she pops into my head.  I feel that has happened because we have been talking about family.  I remember her being a sweet and caring woman who loves her children very much.  So this is nothing negative toward her, I just felt like asking you about a name change.

A:  Hmmm…how about Angelica?

C:  Wow, you’re good.  That is a beautiful name.  You are angelic to me, so that fits perfectly.

A:  Oh, Christopher!  I am going to cry already.  Thank you.

C:  : )  Angelica.  I love it!

A:  I remember this woman you speak of.  Yes, a caring heart with lots of love under the tyranny of male dominion.  I so want women to reject this!  I can feel how so many women live under the fear of this tyranny.  Either fear of the man himself, fear of being alone, or both.  They are taking their power and putting into something outside themselves.  And those that do claim their power back, turn it into hate for all men in general or become masculinized themselves.  There are so little healthy masculine/ feminine relationships for young boys and girls to relate to!

C:  You feel very passionate about this, Angelica.

A:  Yeah, I guess I do.  That felt good.

C:  I can feel how you were with me when I taught.

A:  Yes, I was.  I loved those cute kids.  I could feel how much they loved you, especially the girls.  You were such a gift to them, Christopher.  To be able to have a kind man in their life to help them experience there are good ones out there.

C:  Now, I am going to cry.  Thank you, Angelica.

A:   :  )   I could feel how the real education was needed in the hearts of their parents.

C:  So true.  That reminds me of Jillian’s writing with Mother on that same topic.  I feel such a strong leading edge in you, Angelica, but I was wanting to see about getting a bit vulnerable and feel some of your trailing edge, as we say in Soulfullheart.

A:  How so?

C:  I don’t know.  I was feeling something about the fear of men and the need to suppress femininity for survival.  Does anything come up around that?

A:  I remember in some of our first journaling, something came up around a past life experience of being persecuted for being female.

C:  How does it feel to go into that?

A:  I guess I can feel into it and let you know if it is too much.

C:  Okay.

A:  I see myself about my age now.  I am with other women, older and younger.  The young ones are terrified, so confused as to what is going on.  The elders are just as frightened.  But the rest of us hold the fear back to give them something to hold onto.  Something solid.  We are being surrounded by men on horses.  They are shouting at us that we are evil, disciples of The Great Satan.  We are taken captive and removed from our village.  It feels like horrible things happen after that and I don’t wish to go further.

C:  I understand.  Thank you for telling me this.

A:  I can feel that your soul may have chosen lifetimes of male incarnations after that to avoid the pain of a female life.  I am not sure, just an intuition.  I was very good at that it feels like.

C:  I don’t feel a hatred of men in you though.  The kind of hatred one would reasonably get from such experiences.

A:  I don’t like to hate, Christopher.  That is not a part of who I am.  I do have frustrations around patriarchal men.  They piss me off, but I don’t hate them.  That vibe reeks of “women are less than”.  Now that I say that, I do feel myself in a life, or lifetimes, where I constantly felt less than men.  In fear of their judgement and perception of me.  This is all so interesting to me now, Christopher.  To be a part of a loving man who helps me feel safe enough to heal these wounds.  How much we truly need each other.

C:  I was thinking the same thing as you were talking.  I can feel in the past my own fears of men and need to save my mother and protect my sister as YOU!  This is blowing my mind in the moment, but I want to be in my heart for you.

A:  Oh, Christopher.  I feel your heart.  It is blowing my mind too!

C:  I always felt different from other males in my life.  There was something different in me that I didn’t feel in them.  I felt like I was trying to figure out how to be male by copying them, their attitudes and desires.   In some ways it feels like you were trying to do the same to be liked by men.  This is all so weird in the moment.  Again, getting away from the heart.

A:  My heart tells me that there is some truth in all of that.  We are a lot more connected than we previously assumed.  Maybe I wasn’t asleep.  Maybe I was fused with you somehow in your subconscious.

C:  Whatever the case, you and I have a close connection and I want to heal this with you.  I want you to feel safe and loved as you have always wanted.  I want to feel my spine and your heart wrapped together in a double-helix.

A:  Swooning!  Yes, please!  Lol!

C:  Thank you for this today.  I am changed because of it.

A:  As am I, my prince.

C:  There it is.

A:  There YOU are.  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

Day 13

Real, honest, sacred masculinity feels, honours, and claims the feminine within.  I agree that it is almost never talked about, and when it does it is dismissed quickly so other men, and many women, don’t catch wind of it as it would shatter the preconceived collective picture of what is means to be a man.

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.

Angela:  Good morning to you, Christopher.

C:  I have to admit, I miss the prince part.

A:  Awww…yeah, I wanted to say that but felt a bit self-conscious.

C:  This relationship between us is, to say the least, non-traditional.

A:  Lol!  Ya think?

C:  My brain wants to file you somewhere as how to relate to you.

A:  Geez. How romantic.  Your brain is making me swoon.

C: Hahahaha!  Brains aren’t meant for that, huh?

A:  What does your heart say, dear Christopher.

C:  It says that it wants to feel close to you.  To get to know you more.  My heart wants to feel your heart.

A:  Really, truly?

C:  Yes.  Really, truly.

A:  I’m blushing…

C:  : )  What do you need from me, Angela?

A:  I guess to be felt and heard.  I want to feel like I have expression in your life and not be suppressed.  I want to feel loved.  I want to create with you.  I want to dance with you.

C:  I would like that very much.  I can feel Simon in the moment wondering what all this means.  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning.

C:  What is coming up for you?

S:  It just feels awkward to be outing this relationship to, and wooing of, your inner feminine.  It just feels like people are going to see this and make fun of you for it, or call you crazy.

C:  I can feel how hard this is for you around my self-image.  Yes, I could be laughed at, made fun of, but that is a reaction they are having to their own lack of comfort with themselves.  Real, honest, sacred masculinity feels, honours, and claims the feminine within.  I agree that it is almost never talked about, and when it does it is dismissed quickly so other men, and many women, don’t catch wind of it as it would shatter the preconceived collective picture of what is means to be a man.

S:  I can get that mentally, Christopher.  It is just the reality that very few actually go here.  I have not been one to do things outside conventions.

C:  I would have to disagree.  There have been times when you opened up to some unconventionality.

S:  Yeah, but there were always quite a few others who were doing the same to feel the safety in numbers.

C:  Ah.  Yes.  Safety in numbers.  That is big for the false self, isn’t it?

S:  As of now, it is just you and Wayne.  It feels good to have him supporting us through this.  It doesn’t seem as weird to me when he talks about his experiences.

C:  It is inspiring to me as well.  To feel a man who has the masculine energy penetrating outbound, yet at the same time has an open heart inbound. You can’t get that without feeling your inner feminine.

S:  Sometimes it feels like we are going to get the attention of manly man and he is going to sniff out this feminine piece and challenge our “manhood”.

C:  I feel like this comes from your youth of being bullied.

S:  Yeah, I guess it does.

C:  There are men that may do that.  I emphasize may.  But if that is the case, to sit in one’s self-assured seat of masculinity telegraphs that we are not buying into their projection of unworthiness.  It is like a force field of vulnerability.  Sounds paradoxical I know.  It is not a reactive act of “sticks and stones”, but an active grounding of our own self-worth and self-love earned by claiming our inner feminine.  And if we get in a fight, we get in a fight.

S:  I was hopeful until you said that. : /

C:  I am not looking for a fight, Simon.  But I will not allow myself, you, Angela, and Peter to be bullied anymore.  Erick will kick their ass.

Erick:  You need to lift more weights, dude.

C:  Hahaha!  I should probably take some self-defense classes, eh?

E:   Could be helpful, stickman.

C:   Easy there, Thor.

E:  OOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

C:  Unleashing the Wildman.  So, Simon, I want you to feel safe.  I feel that getting to know and feel Angela will strengthen our masculinity.  Other men will be drawn and others put off.  That is the nature of being authentic in an unauthentic world.  We can help other men come into their own true masculinity and have the numbers that help you to feel comfortable.

S:  Okay.  Thanks for talking with me again.  It will take me time but I am feeling better.  Sorry I took your time away from Angela.  Sorry, Angela.

A:  Awww….it’s okay, Simon.  I know this is hard for you.  If you feel uncomfortable, then I don’t get felt.  I want us to be friends, not enemies.

S:  Me too, Angela.

A:  I wanted to apologize for making you feel uncomfortable before.  It was not nice of me to put you on the spot like that.

S:  Thanks, Angela.  I like being around you.

A:   I like being around you too, Simon.

S:  : }

C:  I am sorry we didn’t much time today, Angela.  I feel my eyes getting googly again from this computer screen.

A:  It’s okay.  I was admiring your defense of me and how important I mean to you.  It was touching and brave.  Thank you.  We can talk later.

C:  Thanks so much for understanding.

A:  You can always buy me chocolate ; )

C:  Yes I can, and I will. ; )

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

Day 12

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.  I wanted to talk with you and digest what was felt in group this past weekend.  Are you up for it?

Angela:  I think so.  I am still a bit embarrassed.

C:  About what?

A:  Just being made aware of my flirtiness and cheeriness and how that hides stuff.

C:  How is that embarrassing?

A:  I guess that I had a mask on when I awoke and not the real me.

C:  I don’t see that as a bad thing, Angela.  Your cheeriness is your essence.  I can feel that.  You feel so alive and beautiful.  It certainly can be used to hide pain.  Tell me about the flirtiness.  I was caught off guard by that and found it endearing, and because of that I didn’t pick up on how it really isn’t you.

A:  I guess I use flirtiness to get people to like me.  Now it feels a bit manipulative and that is embarrassing too.

C:  I don’t want you to judge that, Angela.  That was something you learned to get what you needed.  You wanted attention which equalled love to you.

A:  Thank you, Christopher.  I don’t feel like I intended to hurt anyone.  I just wanted to be liked.  It feels like that is what I learned from other females to get attention.

C:  What females?

A:  I guess females in your school and work.  I don’t feel like I looked to your sister or mother for guidance.  Your mother seemed to acquiesce to men and that bothered me.  I didn’t want to be that.  Your sister was the life of any party, but it was in a very masculine way.  I didn’t want that either.  So I guess I found something in other women/ girls that felt worked for me.

C:    You were using templates, Angela.  You didn’t have anyone to feel you in this.  You did nothing bad or wrong.  You are right and beautiful.

A:  Oh, thank you, Christopher.  I really needed to hear that.  I just wanted love.

C:  I know you did and still do.  I will give you all the love you desire, Angela.

A:  I can feel that, Christopher.  It will take time for me to let that in, but I know you do.  Thank you.

C:  You mean a great deal to me, Angela, and I want to feel through any pain you have.

A:  I feel there is so much around your family now that you and Chris brought them up the last two days.

C:  Okay…what were you feeling?

A:  I feel angry at the men for suppressing their feminine sides and stuffing them down in the name of manhood.  They all have good hearts but won’t allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be honest with what a part of them feels about women.  A part of them despises them, hates them, sees them as crazy or less than.  I know this cuz I could feel it and heard come right out of their mouths!  It made me so uncomfortable, yet I didn’t have the power to say anything.  A part of you didn’t want to rock the boat.  Chris was too afraid to stand up to the men.  That hurt me.

Chris:  Hello, Angela.  I wanted to say to you that I am so sorry for not having the courage at the time to advocate for your feelings.  You are right.  I was afraid.  I don’t want that to happen again.  I hope you can forgive me.

A:  Oh, Chris.  That feels genuine.  Thank you.  I really needed to hear that.  I know you were afraid.  I was too.  I can feel how you would stand up for me know.  I really do.

Chris:  I am glad you feel that way, Angela.  Thank you.

C:  That was admirable and noble of you, Chris.  I want to second what Chris said as I was not there as well to help him and you through that.  We both want to feel your heart when it comes to women.  Through you we feel our real manhood and our desire to be king to a queen.

A:  Awwww…I think I am going to cry.  I feel so much love from both of you.

C:  There is tons, Angela.

A:  If only the women in your family could have advocated for what they wanted.  I know your sister often did, but it was in way that was masculine in nature, to combat the surrounding male energy.  There is a sadness and frustration in the loss of her femininity.  I can feel it in her but it just doesn’t get any air to come out.  Her essence has been beat down and resigned to a life of “it is what it is” and that breaks my heart to feel.  Your mom needed to be care-taken because she was so busy care-taking.  No room for her feminine either!  The women in your life were either fragile or over-masculinized.  Not a template for a healthy feminine!

C:  No.  They were not.

A:  I feel why they are they way they are, and I feel compassion around that.  But it doesn’t take away from my frustration around the victimhood and my desire for them to claim their feminine nature and advocate for that.

C:  I feel that we are beginning to unfurl something for you.

A:  This feels like what you did for Chris the last two days.

C:  It does, doesn’t it?

A:  Thank you so much.  I feel we are both running out of gas in the moment.  I would like to digest this a bit more and go into more later.  I so appreciate this.  I know there is more feeling around it.

C:  I agree and you are so welcome.  This important for both of us, Angela.  Thank you for your courage and passion.

A:  Awwwww…yep, going to cry again.

C:  You can use my shoulder.

A:  I love you.

C:  I love you, too, Angela.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

 

It feels like responsibility to me is another word for anchor, ball and chain, or prison.  It is responding to another’s perception of what it means to be responsible.  Some time honoured tradition of putting ourselves in a safe place where real life and love can only trickle in at best.

Christopher:  Good morning, Chris.  I was wondering if you wanted to continue our conversation from yesterday.  I was feeling a lot of power around what you were working through and wanted to give you space to feel through it even further.

Chris:  Yes, I would.  I felt a bit spaced out after we finished yesterday.  Trying to digest what I was saying and feeling a bit nervous about it being read by family members and stirring up some shit.

C:  Tell me about stirring up shit.

c:   I always felt uneasy about vulnerable truth telling.  Like I was going to be either met by anger and then guilt, or hurt someone’s feelings.  A lot of fear and caretaking going on.  It just paralyzed my voice.

C:  Maybe you had good reason for that fear.  Your experiences don’t lie.  There were things you felt early on that contributed to that healthy fear.  You have said many times you wished you could have broken through that, but again I offer it may have been more harmful than good at that time.  If vulnerable truth telling comes in the form of letter writing, then 1) so be it, and 2) that is data that should reflect back at others as to why that is.  They should be asking, “Why is my son/brother writing a letter to me?  What is going on with me that he does not feel safe enough to talk to me directly?”  Instead, they reactively get hurt, and then project that hurt onto you and they become the victim.  There is no self-reflection or inquiry.  You become the problem.  The one to be analyzed and dissected.  You are labeled coward and hypocrite. All the while not realizing that when pointing one finger points toward you, three are pointing right back at them.

c:  Wow.  Thank you, Christopher.  This is all starting to sound familiar, but I feel how necessary it is to come back to again.  I want this feeling of guilt to heal and move.  I know there was another way be vulnerable, but like you said it was the best way for me at that time.  I was so used to putting the responsibility on my shoulders that I never considered the other person’s responsibility.   I can only respond to my needs, desires, and truth.  To take on someone else’s diminishes mine and makes there’s more important.  I know I care about people.  I have love for those in my family regardless of what they choose to believe.  But that can’t override my own needs and feelings.  If that won’t go in, then it won’t.  To try and convince or explain doesn’t hit the heart of the matter.  It only bounces around the mind where truth is debated and not felt.

C:  Now I say wow to you.  So true, Chris.  I know you are preaching to the choir here but I love feeling you feel this and say it.  It helps to move it and heal from it.  This may land in others as well if they are ready to feel it.  I am astounded by your courage to speak about this even if it is through writing.  Who knows, one day you may find yourself in a conversation with someone and you will touch their heart and you would have helped move something in them.

c:  That would be cool.  : )  I have always liked the feeling of helping others with things that I have been through and understand where they are coming from.

C:   I know you do.  You have a heart the size of the planet and others will be changed because of that.  You have already made a difference in the trajectory of the human soul, and you will only continue to do so.

c:  Uh…whoa.  Thank you.  I am not sure where to file that.  I feel your heart in that Christopher.  I do.  I just need to let that in more.

C:  It’s okay.  We have eternity.

c:  Lol!  Okay.  It won’t take that long.

C:  : )  I wanted to touch upon the feeling of responsibility with you.  It feels like a big piece of the upcoming mystery.  We are looking to embark on another adventure into the unknown.  I could feel the tug of “responsibility” dragging on you a bit.

c:  Yeah.  I could hear a familial voice saying, “How are you going to survive?  What about your daughter and your responsibility to her?  Do you expect society to take care of you?  What about your future?  You are not in your 20’s for God’s sakes.  You are in your 40’s.  This is not what grown responsible adults do!”

C:  Ewwww…

c:  Yeah.  I don’t like it either but it is there.

C:  Okay.  So how would you respond to this voice now?

c:  It feels like ‘responsibility’ to me is another word for anchor, ball and chain, or prison.  It is responding to another’s perception of what it means to be responsible.  Some time honoured tradition of putting ourselves in a safe place where real life and love can only trickle in at best.  Being a slave to your career that you are miserable at, so you can live in a home you a financial slave to, so you can buy things to distract from that pain.  All of that to retire and reward yourself for withstanding the pain, because that is what responsible people do.  Respond to pain.

I want to respond to my heart, my love, my soul.  I want to respond to passion, creation, and desire.  I want to respond to life and not death.  I want to respond to faith and trust and not to fear.  I want to respond to growth, to that which leads me to higher places inside myself.  I want to respond to courage and destiny.  I want to respond to purpose and meaning.  I want to respond to intuition and not reason.  I know that I can only live into that.  I know that I have fear and doubt.  But I also feel I can move that if you are with me, as well as the others.  I need you, Christopher, to help me get there.

C:  I am speechless.  I don’t have any words right now.  I need you too, Chris.  I feel us coming together as one in the moment.  Something integrating.  Your words are a beacon.  A lighthouse in the fog of uncertainty.  You are a gift to me.  Let us hold those words closely and feel them together.  This is a beautiful moment that I wish to let in deeply.  Your declaration is making waves.

c:  Thank you, Christopher.  I feel this adventure is what I have longed for in response to the experience I have had this life.  I need this as much as you do.

C:  Then it shall be done, one way or another.

c:  I may feel differently tomorrow.

C:  Then we will feel that tomorrow.

c:  : )  Thanks, Christopher.

C:  Oh, no.  Thank YOU.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Day 10-

I have introduced Simon as the part of me that is associated with my self-image, the face of my false-self that was so used to being presented to others to garner acceptance and likability.  Another face of my false-self is Chris.  This is the part of my image that attached to family specifically.  I felt moved to journal with him after our radio show about codependence in our relationships.

Christopher:  Hello, Chris.  I felt the desire to speak with you today after this show.  Is that okay?

Chris:  Sure.  I am a little nervous about this being public but I feel how it can be helpful to others.

C:  I understand.  Whatever you don’t want to get into publicly we won’t.  Oh, I will be capital C and you can be lower case c.  Not that you are less than.  Anything but.

c:  I understand.  I don’t mind.

C:  Okay.  Let me know if it bothers you.  How are you feeling about the show?

c:  Not bad.  I had some nervousness about family listening.  I felt held by you.

C:  That is good to hear.  What was the nervousness about?

c:  I guess feeling that I was being criticized by hurt parts of my family.

C:  That was a recurring theme in your process.  It still feels a little tender.

c:  Yeah.  There were too many experiences of hearing criticisms of other family members behind each other’s backs.  It was pervasive.  At least it was to me.  I joined in as well, so I am just as guilty.

C:  How did you feel when you did it?

c:  It didn’t feel good.  Like it really wasn’t me.  I felt uncomfortable even as I was animated about it at times.

C:  It was part of the culture you were raised in Chris.  I know you feel remorse about participating.  I am getting a feeling of some guilt as well.  Would you be okay talking about that?

c:  I guess the guilt comes from not having the courage to speak up against it or express my discomfort in it.  The environment felt so pent up with anxiety and anger that I didn’t want to unleash that, even though it would have been the most loving thing to do for me and them.

C:  You couldn’t have possibly done anything more that what you did.  You did what you had to do to survive and take care of parts of me that needed the feeling of safety.  You are a hero in my book for doing that, Chris.  I am so grateful you didn’t has it could have been more harmful to you than good.  Your remorse is evidence of your heart capacity and your love for your family.

c:  I am certain they don’t feel that way.

C:  You can’t get them to feel or see something they are not willing or ready to feel or see.  I can still feel how your self-worth came through the perception of your family.

c:  Yeah, very much so.  My hook up to them was through their value picture even if it totally wasn’t mine.  Like a lot of people, I looked for love through being accepted, so one of the main ways was to take on values.  I got so used to that even when it didn’t match what I was feeling.  I went deeper into politics in order to feel like I was taking up the family banner of conservatism.  That steeped me more into the culture of criticism, as politics is a fertile soil for that.  Us against them.

C:  I can feel how taking up this banner gave you some recognition as a good son, defender of the collective family value.

c:  Well, that and being “responsible”.  That feels to be the bigger banner.  The political conservatism is an expression of that.

C:  That feels to be the heart of what I wanted to get to today.  Being responsible.  Yeshua and Wayne felt into the loyalty aspect of the family value system this morning, but I feel how you really got hooked into the “responsibility clause”.

c:  Yes.  I most certainly did.  Good ‘ol responsible, Chris.  I heard the criticism towards those who were not being responsible, and I didn’t want that to be me.  I wanted the accolades of being the good son, despite a subconscious desire to not be.  I wasn’t born with the fire to go against the system.

C:  Oh, you most certainly were, Chris.  You just needed the time it took to feel done with it and you did.  If you didn’t have some desire, it would have never had happened.

c:  That feels true.  Thanks.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes I hear this family voice inside me that says, “We wanted you to do whatever made you happy, even if we disagreed, just as long as we stayed connected.”  The thing about that is, that I don’t want to debate or analyze or argue.  It was always a mental game going on with defensive and controlling parts vying for righteousness.

C:  Feels like you are unrolling something keep going…

c:  Who is right vs. who is wrong.  Who is not being responsible and what they “should” do.  Politics became a great way of exercising that righteous muscle so no one had to be vulnerable and apply it to the person they are speaking to or thinking about.  You are not pissed off at Obama, you are pissed off that you don’t have a sense of power in your own life, or that you can’t be honest with your spouse about what really fucking bothers you.  What else is coming to me is that I have become another common enemy to their false selves.  A place to project their crap.  I reject that, Christopher.

C:  Whoa.  Who are you?

c:  Lol!  I don’t know.  I do take responsibility for my half of that equation.  I participated in that, but I don’t want to disqualify myself anymore because of it.  I know I did all I could at that time to open my heart without it getting kicked.  I no longer hold shame over that, at least I would like not too.

C:  I feel something bigger here that could be expanded.  You are feeling so courageous to me, Chris.  I am inspired by you.  There is a spine that is growing in you as you talk about it.

c:  Thank you.  I feel the more space that I have had the more I can really get into this.  I feel it is important to continue as the responsibility piece needs to move to allow more trust and desire in.

C:  Uh…yeah, couldn’t agree more.  Did I dial the right number?

c:  Lol!  Something just shifted in me.

C:  Ya think?  I want more, dude.

c:  Me too.

C:  My eyes are getting googly from staring at this screen too long.  Let’s pick this up later.

c:  Okay.  Sounds good.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child