personal growth – Page 14 – Divine Self Embodiment Blog (Formerly SoulFullHeart)

Cows, caterpillars, and cabbage: Life At El Rancho Blog

Published on March 10, 2015August 8, 2016 by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jelelle Awen

Nature is a better partner than slave– Gaia’s Garden

I am dreaming of plants. Last night, the big crisis of my dream was about providing a trellis for a runner-type sweet pea plant to weave and wrap around. Would I be able to get it supported before it collapsed onto the soil in defeat? Big drama. My dream was most likely a reflection of an increasing reality this week of troubleshooting and responsive problem solving related to our gardens.

We entered our Tranquila garden a couple days ago to discover hoof sized indents over many of our garden beds. Tranquila is more like a nursery than a garden, with many fragile seedlings and still germinating seeds that still haven’t woken from their slumber. The vacas (cows) had busted through a weak area of fencing (now fortified with 3 higher courses of well anchored barbed wire) and found, fortunately, that little in our fledgling garden was to their liking…..other than all the black bean seedlings and most of the one inch tall amaranth and quinoa plants.

My heart hurt as I cleaned up their damage, especially since I had spent the morning ‘saving’ our first flowering and fruiting tomato plants from hornworm caterpillars, hand picking them off and dumping them in a bucket of soapy water. It felt a bit like we were under siege by nature. I was reminded of the wild setting for which we are attempting to grow our food. We are trying to domesticate nature. I like to feel that rather than a bending of nature to our will. We are in communion with it. This connection is the essence of producing home grown food that is chemical-free, nutrient dense, and, also, doesn’t have a negative impact on the environment.

Nature reminded us this week that it is ultimately uncontrollable. If we get a good harvest of any of our vegetables, it is nature’s desire even as it is also due to our skill and responsiveness (and sourcing good, quality heirloom seeds and deeply efforted compost.) Instead of getting hugely upset at the cow damage, I surrendered to it and immediately noticed something interesting. All of the beds that the vacas had left their marks on were ones that I had planned to replant or change in some way. Every one. The black beans were spaced too close together (something I learned after watching our frijoles negroes in the Rio Garden get bushier and bushier), so I was able to replant and respace them. I wanted to create rows of amaranth and quinoa rather than scattering the seed as I had done originally, so I could see them better as well as be able to provide mulch around the rows. Now I could do that while still preserving seedlings that had survived.

So nature created more work in some ways, but, also, it worked out in the end for the best. It is difficult to get too stressed about anything here on the ranch as resourcefulness and responsiveness just seem to come more naturally than in the western, more industrialized world. Every crisis has a solution and doesn’t push up the same levels of stress and anxiety as the common workplace drama.

We are entering the season of Kali. Kali represents death and rebirth; cycles of change and transformation; temperamental weather and emotional patterns. I was reminded of this also as I felt the edges of how easy it would be for all of our ‘hard work’ on the gardens to be wiped out by animals, a strong storm, or a swarm of damaging insects.

When we get our food from the grocery store, we have no sense of this fragility or of our fortune either. We fill our shopping carts and drive food that has been imported from all over the world home to be stored in our cabinets and fridges. Here on the ranch, because we don’t have refrigeration (other than two zeer evaporative cooling pots) and the nearest grocery store is 90 minutes away, food harvest and preservation is a concentrated and connected activity.

We picked some bok choy cabbage leaves today intending to use them for cabbage rolls for dinner tonight. I share the recipe below. No fossil fuels or chemicals were needed (not for working the soil, the fertilizer, the ‘pest control,’ the harvesting, the packaging or transport!); just our labor, our love, and our time. When we eat our cabbage rolls tonight, this energy will come through and increase our enjoyment and appreciation. Nature does make a better partner (however unpredictable), than slave.

Harvest this week and recipes: Daikon radish, mizuna (asian lettuce), arugula, tatsoi (asian cabbage), bok choy, kale, and cilantro

Right now is about greens and lettuces. Mizuna and arugula are braving the heat to produce leaves of nutritional goodness. Bok choy, tatsoi, and kale provide earthy flavor and plenty of antioxidants. They are so welcome since greens and most lettuce are not sold here in most tiendas in Mexico, only iceberg lettuce and traditional cabbage. Faced with a harvest of greens, we came up with two vegetarian recipes that used them in way that was beyond the usual stir fry and ensalada.

Bok Choy Cabbage Rolls-

Cabbage Rolls:

Eight to Ten large bok choy or kale leaves (two per person), the leaves need to be 3 by 4 inches

one cup of cooked brown or wild rice

one cup of TVP (or tempeh), add one cup of hot water and stir together

one half daikon radish, chopped

stems of bok choy leaves (if using), chopped

cilantro, cumin, soy sauce to taste

Asian Sauce:

Combine half a cup of soy sauce, 2 tablespoons olive oil, 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar, 1 tablespoon sesame seeds, one garlic clove minced, chili powder to taste

Bring to boil a couple inches of water in a pot with a steamer basket. Combine TVP, rice, and chopped daikon in a bowl and add seasonings to taste. Heat stuffing ingredients over medium heat until TVP is cooked and rice is heated. Lay out bok choy or other greens leaf by leaf being careful not to tear them. Place the leaf length wise in front of you and fill it with the stuffing just along the middle along the spine of the leaf. Don’t overstuff as it needs to be easy to fold without tearing. Fold the side closest to you first and then the two top and bottom edges go in and then roll it the rest of the way (similar to a burrito). Place the rolls carefully in a steamer basket for three to five minutes. Serve with the asian sauce on the side.

Eggs In A Nest-

This recipe has been modified from one provided in Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. This is an insightful and inspiring book about a famous author who ate only foods produced from her own garden and locally grown for one year.

2 cups uncooked brown rice

Olive oil

medium onion, chopped

2 cloves of garlic, minced

carrots, chopped

daikon radish, chopped

1 very large bunch of bok choy, kale, chard or other leafy green

8 eggs (if you need to make more eggs because you have more people just poach extras in another pan)

soy sauce, cumin, and salt to taste

Cook rice with four cups of water in a covered pot while other ingredients are being prepared. Saute onion and garlic in olive oil in a wide skillet until lightly golden. Mix in carrots and daikon radish and cook for a few minutes. Add greens and cook with the pan covered for a few more minutes. Uncover, stir well, then use the back of a spoon to make depressions in the cooked leaves, circling the pan like numbers on a clock. Break an egg into each depression, being careful to keep yolks whole. Cover pan again and allow eggs to poach for 3 to 10 minutes depending on how runny you like them. Remove from heat and serve over rice with guacamole salsa (or without).

Guacamole Salsa-

2 large ripe avocados, seed removed

8 tomatillos (or omit if you don’t have them and substitute with another tomato)

1 red tomato

handful of cilantro

Juice from one lime or lemon

half a jalapeno or tablespoon of chili powder or omit if you don’t like spicy foods

cumin and salt to taste

Boil tomatillos for five minutes or until soft. Combine them in a food processor with the other ingredients until mostly smooth. Serve chilled and is best if used within the hour.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebook. Visit the SoulFullHeart website for more information about virtual sessions with her.

Brace for Impact: Life at El Rancho

Published on March 2, 2015August 2, 2017 by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jelelle Awen

“The most difficult thing we have to do in order to survive the coming crash is to renounce the life of artificial luxury that has been the temporary product of the systematic destruction of our life support systems.” – Brace For Impact, Thomas Lewis

Renouncing a life of artificial luxury. Yes, I can relate to that. And especially the word, ‘artificial’. Artificial luxuries compared to natural luxuries. Artificial luxuries need to be attained, maintained, and possessed. Natural luxuries arise to be experienced and cannot really be owned. Artificial luxuries are temporary while natural ones are enduring. Maybe it’s as simple as artificial luxuries are man-made and natural ones….well, they are natural.

Systemic destruction of our life support systems. In every way that is imaginable, humans are indeed destroying the very things that are vital for our survival. That we can do this for so little reward or benefit (beyond the very artificial and temporary luxury of money attainment) would be baffling without the picture of the false self and its evolution. The false self, in a way, is an artificial luxury, created by modern, egoic circumstances that require a strategic, self image-based, money-focused, and non-vulnerable way of relating to the world. The false self developed as a core defensive structure that is a product of an industrialized environment.

I recently read Brace For Impact by Thomas Lewis again. Thomas Lewis has a beautiful generalist mind, able to analyze and present information without mentally getting bogged down too much in the details or needing to ‘prove his case’. He presents a compelling and inspiring argument for inevitable collapse of industrial society due to the areas of water scarcity, peak oil production, industrial agriculture and meat production, global climate change-related weather events, political corruption, economic unsustainability and much more. Reading this book is to have your eyes opened, your heart hurting, your gut aching, and your initiative charging. The last chapter about the urgency of finding an off grid, rural, safe sanctuary and learning ‘back to basics’ homesteading skills was particularly validating to me related to the choices I and three others have made recently moving to an off-grid ranch in Mexico.

While it was immensely validating, I felt there was a missing piece in the writing. Thomas Lewis talks eloquently about what is happening, but less succinctly about why it is happening. He offers a picture of addiction to money and to greed that feels true, but without a specific sense of why this addiction has been necessary. We feel that all addictions have unfelt emotional congestion at their roots. The addiction is an outward manifestation of an inner need going unmet and unfelt. If money subconsciously represents love and how we feel about it (which I feel is true after coaching and facilitating people around their ‘money issues’), then the need for love is the biggest one that is going unmet in all the money accumulation that is leading to so much destruction of our planet and ourselves. It is our disconnection from our deep need for love that manifests into acting without love toward other humans, animals, and the living planet.

In my experience of the last ten years of healing my own false self and others, I ultimately hold the false self with equal parts love and challenge. Love invites the false self into authentic expression through nourishing and real experience of the love it never knew that it always needed. Challenge holds the false self accountable to keep being vulnerable, surrendering to the growing authentic self, and letting go of things (such as artificial luxuries) that keep it falsely powerful.

The loving challenge our false selves are being offered at this time in modern history is to shift very significantly our lifestyles to sustainable, authentic, and love-based ones. If our false selves are unwilling to shift or to even see that there are very compelling reasons to shift, then there is little to be offered by me or anyone else about the coming collapse and how to survive it. For those that are ready to shift and also see that there is an absolute necessity to do so, I invite them to feel how it is their false self that has feelings of resistance, doubt, trepidation, and fear of change. It is the false self that is attached to artificial luxuries and it takes a lot of natural luxuries such as love and the bounty and magic offered by nature for them to let it go.

The first time I read Brace For Impact, I was still living in Canada in a fairly comfortable life, although I had already started letting go of many things. Reading the book inspired me greatly to keep going with my search for a sanctuary and to actually make the move to living off grid in Mexico. There was little to no resistance inside of me (no real false self protest) to letting go of the artificial luxuries that I’ve known my whole life. And, I am now experiencing in my daily life that I can not only survive without them; I am thriving in deeply nourishing ways that bring me back to the luxuries that only nature and living an authentic life can bring.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 30 – Self-Authority: Authoring Your Own Story

Published on December 21, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

90 Days With My Parts: Day 30-

This is a sovereign, self-loving choice. It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts. This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart. It may be a day, a week, or a month. That is a real-time decision made between us. The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

Christopher: Good morning, Mother.

Mother: Blessed morning, dearest Christopher. What is in your heart this morning?

C: Well, I was lying in bed and getting an irritation about this blog. I checked in with my parts, specifically Simon and Nathaniel, and they are feeling a bit torn on this blog in the moment. I offered what you mentioned to Simon about taking some time off and they seemed to like that idea.

M: Okay. What is behind that? I guess my question is why are you telling me this?

C: I can feel a part of me asking for permission, looking for an okay.

M: Mmm. I see. I am going to let you handle this one dearest Christopher. They need to hear it from you. You are the SFH self not me, my son. I feel you already know my answer.

C: You are right. Thank you for reflecting that back to me.

M: That is one of the ways I serve.

C: I am getting that. Okay…good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: I was feeling all of our desire to postpone the blog. Why do you feel the desire?

S: I guess I just want to journal with you without the feeling it is being published. It is hard for me to get totally vulnerable with you knowing that. Plus I don’t feel as close to you when we type it as when we write it. I can also feel like this is another task.

C: I have felt this in you for a while. You talked to Mother about this. Do you remember what she said?

S: She said the most important thing was me and my needs.

C: We felt that a postponement was a negotiation, right?

S: Yes, we did.

C: That takes in consideration your needs, as well as Nathaniel’s.

S: Yes.

C: But I feel something in you that is struggling with that desire.

S: I can feel that I don’t want to disappoint Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen. When I say that I can feel how that is just an old way I would have felt this. I know that they would be behind this 100%. They would support us even if we decided not to do it anymore. They would just want to feel what was behind the decision. The feeling. No judgment, just data.

C: Yes, exactly. This is a sovereign, self-loving choice. It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts. This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart. It may be a day, a week, or a month. That is a real-time decision made between us. The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

S: I noticed the word ‘author’ in authority.

C: Yeah! Good catch. We get to author our own story, not someone else.

S: That is way cool. We pulled a Wayne and Yeshua!

C: I think we did, buddy. How does that help you feel about taking some time off?

S: I feel lighter about it.

C: I feel that already in my body. Anything else before I talk to Nathaniel?

S: I don’t think so.

C: Okay. We will talk later. Good morning, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel: Good morning, Christopher.

C: What were you feeling about this decision?

N: I was feeling the need to be a little less outed. I was feeling a need to connect with you privately as well. We have just gotten to know each other and this feels a little less personal to me. I understand the power of this container, and would like to participate in it when I feel a bit more connected to you. I was feeling a little “dog and pony” about it.

C: Hmmm. Yeah. There might some of that in there. I felt that we were authentic though, for the most part.

N: Oh, yes. We certainly were. My words were true to my heart as were yours. It was just an image that came to me. I want to feel a deeper desire to share. One that comes with more time with you privately.

C: Okay. That is what we felt together this morning.

N: I am grateful for the times with Mother and I hope that others can feel how we all have that connection, not just a select few. It is a connection that I want to share, but also want to have privately as well.

C: Yes. Well said. I feel we can share whatever experiences you wish to share after some time.

N: I like that idea. Thank you, Christopher. I feel your leadership in this decision. You will make a great king someday.

C: Wow. Thank you, Nathaniel. That is really amazing to hear. And you will be my wise guide.

N: I would like that.

Mother: Before you end, Christopher, what is your part in this decision?

C: I was noticing that their feelings are my feelings. I need to advocate for myself. Even though I have changed, and am changing, because of this blog, that doesn’t mean I won’t stop changing. I am not going to stop journaling. I have enjoyed sharing myself, but I also wonder where it is landing. My parts are becoming suspect as well. I know my SoulFullHeart family takes them in. I desire to continue the 90 Days because I want to for myself and because I know it is being digested by them. I feel this decision as a growth point for me.

M: Indeed, Christopher. I can feel your heart and your desire to share with the world. This is part of your purpose. You are discovering that with these blogs. You are also teaching with these as well. You are demonstrating advocacy, self-love, sovereignty, and authority. I am honoured to have been a part of it.

C: Thank you so much, Mother. That goes way in. No time in my life has 30 days done so much to help me discover who I am and what I am capable of. I want that to continue.

M: Then it shall be so.

C: Thanks to all of you who have been reading this the last 30 days. I am changed because of your heart taking it in as well. I am honoured you have been a part of it. I will pick it back up when my heart calls.

Much love and gratitude,

Christopher

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 29 – The Gift of Love

Published on December 20, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them. We were all looking to do that. Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy. Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

Day 29

Christopher: Hello, everyone. I felt drawn to address all of you this afternoon. Another roundtable team meeting.

SImon: Is this like a staff meeting, cuz if it is I’m outta here? I had enough of those teaching.

C: No Simon. I just wanted to feel all my parts around this time of year. I was moved by Jillian’s blog today and wanted to feel some triggers and joy around the holidays. I am glad you spoke up, Simon. I have felt some annoyance with the holidays. Would you care to share?

S: I tend to get wrapped up in the gift thing. Ha! That was funny. Get it?

C: Yes, Simon. That was good. What about the gift thing?

S: I guess I have always been stressed around getting someone a gift they like. I feel like I have an image around it. Did I “hit a home run”? Do they feel I am a good gift finder? Did I get them enough? Am I being balanced? Did I spend enough? Oh, for God’s sakes what is wrong with me? These are people that love me and just want me for me, not for what I give them for a gift. I used to fucking hate this! Looking for acceptance by gift giving. I feel I used to rail against it as commercialism, which is still true, but it was a truth in service to the stress of feeling my own pressure.

C: Wow, Simon. Right on, man. I feel some juice in this. I feel I fused with you a bit around this and should have done more checking with you before going out. Did you feel that this year?

S: Not as much. I enjoyed going out with Kathleen and Raianna. It is just this old shit that followed me around. Feels like the dregs of an old punishing voice.

C: That was intuitive, Simon. What would you like to say to this voice?

S: Leave me the fuck alone! I am not a part of the old conditioning anymore. I have a family that loves me for me and I don’t need to impress any of them to be given love.

C: Amen, brother! Can we still love this voice though? This voice feels like it was there to make sure you got love, Simon, the only way it knew how.

S: Yeah, I can feel that. I’m sorry. It is true. Had I had SoulFullHeart at that time I would have been able to feel that part of me. A part of a part. Is this possible?

C: I haven’t the faintest clue. It feels like as I am growing more, you are as well. Leaving some old things behind. Getting separation from the old life. Feels like it could be Marcus. Is that you, Marcus?

Marcus: Hi, Christopher.

C: It has been a while, Marcus. What is going on, my friend?

M: I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them. We were all looking to do that. Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy. Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

C: What would you have liked Christmas to be like, Marcus?

M: I guess just to have people get together and share our love for each other. Eat good food, tell stories, play games, watch movies, and maybe exchange a gift or two, nothing fancy.

C: That sounds like a SoulFullHeart Christmas to me.

M: Yeah, I guess it does. I feel like I was projecting some old family conditioning when we were shopping. I am sorry, Simon.

S: Thanks, Marcus. I am sorry I said leave me the fuck alone. That was just backed up frustration of all those years.

M: I get it. Believe me. Thank you, Simon. There is a better way to hold gift giving and that should be done by Christopher.

S: Agreed!

C: I should have held that more and I apologize as well. I feel that gifts are from the heart and if we are not in our hearts then the gift is just a false token of love. We are energetically passing on unworthiness and that is held in the gift itself. If we really looked with our heart-eyes, we would see everyone handing each other piles of shit and saying thank you for it. That is not what the holidays are about. How do you feel about this, Nathaniel?

Nathaniel: I couldn’t have said it better myself. I have always been irritated by this Christmas thing. The false social structure, the false religious foundation, the false relationship to the Divine. It is maddening to really let it in. But I appreciate the way you are bringing this, Christopher. The way SoulFullHeart holds this time of year. Your magical children set the tone of this season and let it be what it truly is.

C: And that is?

N: About joy, magic, peace, and love.

C: You sound like a hippie.

N: Right on, man.

C: Now THAT was funny! Good to feel your sense of humour after what you said.

N: I am getting that without some light, this world would be way too dark. Even a daemon needs balance.

C: Amen. How about you, Angela. How are the holidays for you?

Angela: It is about singing, and dancing, and being creative. I like making gifts! So much funner.

C: We had some fun today creating, didn’t we?

A: Yes, we did. I can’t wait to show everyone!

C: Me too, Angela. And of course I can’t forget you Peter!

Peter: Christmas is about snow!!!! That was soooo coool! I want to play in it again! Can we? Can we?

C: Of course! If it sticks around. What else is Christmas about?

P: Cookies! Lots and lots of cookies!

C: Hahaha! Okay, we will make cookies.

P: It is also about being nice to people and not being so serious. Too many grumpy bunnies out there. I don’t like that.

C: I feel we can all agree on that. Thanks for reminding us Peter about having fun.

P: You’re welcome, Santa Christopoopoo.

C: I love you, Peter.

P: I love you too, silly.

C: Merry Christmas everyone. Let’s go have some fun.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 28 – Fear Of Real Love

Published on December 19, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves. There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love. You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level. Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so. To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

Day 28

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Kathleen and how you are impacted.

S: ‘Impacted’ sounds like a car crash.

C: Okay. Affected then.

S: That sounds a little better.

C: What comes up when I ask that?

S: I feel like if I say something it may land in a way I didn’t intend.

C: Sounds like management.

S: Yeah. You’re right. I need to let you handle that one. Old habits.

C: This is what this is all about Simon. Healing what prevents us from giving and receiving love.

S: Okay. My leading edge enjoys having someone around for you to relate to. Someone for you to express love and feel love. I enjoy that a part of her is similar to me. Someone who gets why I am the way I am. We can be that way together sometimes and get things done. We also laugh at the same stuff and that is cool. It’s like having a good friend around to share things with and do stuff with.

C: That feels sweet, Simon. I can feel your resonance with a part of her. That feels like it affects you in a very good way.

S: Yeah it does. I feel like I can relate to someone. I have always cordoned myself off from other people because of my fear of intimacy. Like I can hang out for so long and then I need to get away to prevent getting too close.

C: What would happen if you got ‘too close’?

S: I feel like I would get exposed, become vulnerable to conflict which, as we talked about earlier, feels uncomfortable to me from my past experiences with my parents and past relationships.

C: While I feel that is true on one level, I can’t also help to feel that is in service to the fear of something deeper.

S: Like what?

C: Maybe you are afraid of love itself.

S: Hmmm. I’m confused.

C: Your experience of ‘love’ is skewed and jaded from your past experiences. You really don’t know what true love is, do you?

S: I don’t think I do, Christopher. Love has always been felt as a struggle, a responsibility. This is what I got from my parents. I can feel how that was turned upside down with Jillian, but then it found its way there again, as if what was being offered by her was too much for me to accept as real.

C: Well, don’t put that all on you, Simon. Remember, it is a two-way street, but I can feel how you were conditioned to relate to love in that way. There may be lifetimes in that conditioning. I drew Jillian, and now Kathleen, for the purpose of experiencing real love that is “upside down”, as you said, from what you experienced in order to heal that conditioning. To heal it into its right side up position.

S: That makes sense. I feel some sadness in never feeling real love transact between my parents. I can feel how I ached for that feeling. I couldn’t feel it in my friends’ parents either. It was just the way it was. I feel like I gave up on real love. Like it doesn’t exist.

C: Haven’t you felt it between Jillian and Wayne? In session with Jillian and Wayne? When Raianna was born? On your wedding day? In moments between me and Kathleen?

S: Yes, Christopher. I feel it now. Thank you. Ugh! Why is my heart so buried, Christopher? Why am I so afraid of something so beautiful and powerful?

C: Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves, Simon. There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love. You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level. Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so. To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

S: I want to feel that love more, Christopher.

C: I do too, Simon.

S: As you were typing, I could also feel how my need to be solo is based on feeling like I never had my own space, my own choices. I was always responding to someone or something else. When Raianna moved, I felt that it was finally my time to live life on my terms only to continue to create more relationships to others rather than myself. When you moved here, I felt like that possibility was gone. I can admit that I threw a monkey wrench in your relationship to Kathleen.

C: I feel why you did that, Simon. I was not present enough to feel you at that time.

S: I know, Christopher. I am just walking this out. I feel your desire for a mate. I feel a desire to feel real love, and that is through you that I get it. I can admit that I worry I won’t get that if you are with another person.

C: You have every reason to believe that, Simon. I have to prove myself to you each and every day that I will be here for you and give you the real love you need and deserve. I love you with all my heart and you are the most important part of me.

S: Thanks, Christopher. That goes in deep. My tears are for all the times I never felt that as a child. Thank you for helping me to remember all the other times I felt real love. It is out there. It exists. I just want more of it.

C: Then you shall receive it because you are worthy of it.

S: Still hard for me sometimes.

C: Never said it would be easy.

S: I am tired all of a sudden.

C: That was a lot, Simon. Let us rest up for Raianna’s visit so we can let in more love.

S: Okay. Sounds good.

C: I love you, Simon.

S: I love you too, Christopoopoo.

C: Seriously? In this tender moment?

S: : P

30 Days With My Parts: Day 27 – Serving the Servant

Published on December 18, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

We co-create this reality together, my love. I need you as much as you need me. I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel. I long and ache to be felt just as you do. I have needs and desires, as well. If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul.

Day 27

Christopher: Hello, Mother. I feel to connect with you since I am not having any major pull to a specific part of me.

Mother: I always enjoy being with you, Christopher. How may I serve you?

C: Uh…wow. To Nathaniel that sounds weird. He is used to serving you.

M: Ah, yes. The Daemon Trap.

C: The what?

M: The Daemon Trap. I feel that daemons have been so conditioned to being servants through the world’s religions that any thought of the opposite is blasphemy. How can the Divine possibly serve the ones that are the servants?

C: He says, that doesn’t make sense.

M: My dear, Nathaniel. We co-create this reality together, my love. I need you as much as you need me. I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel. I long and ache to be felt just as you do. I have needs and desires, as well. If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul. I want to serve you and Christopher in any way I can to make that happen.

Nathaniel: I can feel how over the lifetimes, I have been convinced and persecuted to believe that humans are below you. That they are meant to carry out your Will in your name.

M: What is my Will, Nathaniel?

N: To Love and be loved.

M: Was that the will of their god?

N: No. It was to judge and make sacrifices. To follow the Word without question. To be in subordination.

M: So that is the trap, Nathaniel. A false god trap. I do not blame you for succumbing to it. So much pain and fear in resisting. In fact, it may all be a part of the process.

N: And why is that?

M: This Grand Experience is rooted in getting to feel itself completely, in all its glory and terror. To separate in order to come back together with more love than before. It doesn’t make sense to the Mind, Nathaniel, but when we get to feel each other in our pain, we can feel each other in our love. It is an eternal paradox. Just like the servant being served.

N: I think I get it. I still need time to feel you as serving me and Christopher rather than the other way around.

M: We serve each other equally. We are one and and the same, Nathaniel. That will be felt as you experience me more. For now, let me serve you and Christopher in any way I can. It is the Will of My Heart.

N: Yes, Mother.

M: So? How may I serve you?

N: I am feeling a little lost in my purpose. I want to feel a call, a passion pursuit. I miss that. I feel I used to have it then it got buried.

M: I feel your desire for that, Nathaniel. You have great passion for rising up against the false system. However, I want you to remember you are a daemon sent to provide guidance. You were meant to serve Christopher through my Love. Not serve me through Christopher’s soul.

N: Whoa. You have me hanging upside down right now.

M: Good. How does it feel?

N: Strange. As soon as you said that I could feel how that was so true in the past. I took over seeing the inequities and injustices throughout the world. I wanted to do something about it. I feel I hijacked this soul.

M: I feel “hijacked” is a charged term. You did what you felt was necessary to right what you felt were wrongs. This was another part of the Daemon Trap. Getting so involved that you forgot your place in the Grand Experience. This too felt a necessary part of the separation and integration process I mentioned earlier. This has been done by many daemons all over the planet. Getting caught up in justice, power, glory, inequity, greed, so and so on.

N: I feel relieved I am not the only one.

M: Your fusion was for the compassion of those in need and suffering. There are other daemons in need and suffering. You can be a part of that healing, Nathaniel, but you need to heal yourself first. I feel a responsibility in you to make it “right”. You can’t do that on your own as we discussed before.

N: Thank you, Mother. I do feel a rumble and I want to use that to help Christopher with his purpose. I feel how my healing helps with this. Having you reframe my relationship to this soul was a big step for me. Thank you.

M: You are very welcome, my son. I can’t feel you if you can’t feel you. And my Will is to feel all my children with me in every moment.

N: And my will is to feel you as much as possible, Mother.

M: Then it shall be so.

N: Amen.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 26 – Healing Into Loving Conflict

Published on December 17, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

That is the where we can be different. I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity. Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together. This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

Day 26-

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: Since I am exploring a relationship again, I wanted to talk about vulnerability and conflict, as those were difficult to access the last time we were in one.

S: Don’t you have to go Christmas shopping?

C: Simon…

S: Clean the RV?

C: > : {

S: Clip your toenails?

C: Simon!

S: Ugh! I know. We are in conflict right now.

C: Why is that?

S: I am avoiding the discussion. Sorry. I feel how this is important for us to have even though I feel like I have been here many times.

C: Why do you feel it is important?

S: Because conflict is important to our growth, especially me. It has been a lifelong struggle. Maybe even these past lives you talk about.

C: What is the struggle about?

S: Being vulnerable with a feeling and then either hurting someone’s heart or getting a defensive kick back. One leaves me feeling guilty, the other hurt.

C: Tell me more.

S: I can feel how my templating for conflict was unhealthy. My parents fought and left me feeling unsafe. I didn’t like how it felt in my body. It stayed there because they never really talked to me about it or it was never resolved between them.

C: So you learned how to diffuse conflict so you didn’t have to reactivate that feeling inside.

S: I guess so.

C: This wounding feels like Peter to me. Do you feel you are protecting him?

S: Hmmm, I suppose so. I feel how that is true.

C: Peter? Would you like to talk to me for a bit?

Peter: I guess. What about?

C: Your mommy and daddy when you were a boy.

P: What about them, Christopher?

C: How did you feel when they fought?

P: Scared. They scared me, Christopher. They yelled and broke things sometimes. I just put my head under the pillow.

C: I am so sorry, Peter. You didn’t get any comfort from them afterward, did you?

P: I don’t remember, Christopher. I just remember being scared.

C: When I get in a conflict how do you feel?

P: I get scared again. Like bad things gonna happen. I just remember what I felt like and I don’t like it.

C: Do I feel different from your mommy and daddy?

P: Yeah.

C: Do you trust that I would talk to you about it afterward?

P: I think so.

C: I pinkie swear that I will talk with you about whatever happens so you feel better about it okay, Peter?

P: Okay. I believe you, Christopoopoo.

C: Good. That makes me happy, Peter. I will take care of you my little magical man.

P: I’m not a man, silly. Geez. You need your glasses fixed.

C: Hahaha! Okay, Peter. I love you.

P: I love you too, Christopoopoo. Hehehehe!

C: : ) You still with me, Simon?

S: Yep.

C: So I feel like this will be good to help you let go of a responsibility to care take Peter.

S: I do too.

C: I want to focus on the image of conflict, seeing how you are my self-image part.

S: Okay. I feel like in a conflict I am afraid of becoming like my father. Explosive. I can feel how that would scare Peter. Then that explosiveness would scare and hurt the other and that reminds me of my mother.

C: So there is a lot going on here in the trauma in both you and Peter. Do you feel that I would get explosive and hurtful?

S: No, not in the way my father did. I feel how I still hold a lot of anger toward both of them in the way they held themselves in conflict. There is just no healthy template.

C: What about Wayne and Jillian?

S: Yeah. That was good to be a part of. I could still feel some Peter fear that I was holding onto that was coming from a mom and dad projection. But feeling how Wayne still held love in his heart and Jillian not crumbling helped to feel how it can be different from my past experience.

C: Yes. That is the where we can be different. I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity. Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together. This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

S: I’ll say. I never felt the love in conflict before.

C: No you haven’t. At least not until Jillian and Wayne. It’s is going to mean you leaning into me, Simon, and trusting I can handle it. I can feel how you are eager to heal that fear so you can be more relational, less hidden.

S: Yeah. I do feel tired of sticking my head in the sand.

C: I feel like we just scratched the surface on this. I would like to continue this later with you. I want to spend time with Kathleen. Is that okay with you?

S: Yeah. I would like to get into this more as well.

C: Really? Don’t you have some budgeting to do?

S: Christopher….

C: Dishes to wash?

S: > : {

C: Errands to run?

S: Wise ass.

C: Love you…

S: : / Love you, too…

30 Days With My Parts: Day 25 – Practically Sacred

Published on December 15, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

We are discussing a pretty typical experience that people have on a daily basis, but we are feeling it, digesting it, reflecting on it, learning from it. Who does that when buying a vehicle? It is usually filled with anxiety, stress, control, frustration, reservation, annoyance, and a plethora of other unfelt emotions that just get repressed and gets lodged into the emotional body.

Day 25

Christopher: Good morning, everyone. I am not sure who to begin with today. A big day yesterday with the purchase of an RV. Any reactions?

Angela: I like it, but it totally needs to be clean. It’s a little gross in areas.

C: Yeah, it does need cleaning for sure. Kathleen is excited to begin.

A: So glad she is going to put a woman’s touch in it.

C: You can advocate for your needs too, Angela. You are not the only woman in the house.

A: Awww…thank you, Christopher. I was hoping you would say that.

C: I have been meaning to talk to you about how you are feeling about me and Kathleen.

A: I love it, Christopher. I feels good to have sister-type around.

C: I can feel that. It is important to me that we have our time too, Angela. We really just started to get to know each other.

A: Yeah, I would like to keep talking with you. And Simon. You both mean so much to me.

C: You mean a ton to me, Angela. I will be looking to you for a woman’s perspective and advice.

A: Really? I would like that. : )

C: Any advice to give me now?

A: I guess it would be to be honest with her. No hiding this time. She is stronger than a part of you thought she was at one point.

C: Yes. I am aware of that now.

A: Also, a woman likes it when you stand your ground for what you feel in your heart even if it is not what they are feeling is true for them in the moment.

C: That is the part I had struggled with. So easy for a part of me to capitulate to the mom projection.

A: You are a man now, Christopher. A man with a huge heart and a growing spine. Use ‘em both.

C: Okay, Angela. You are going to be a big part of my new life. I can tell.

A: I would like that, Christopher.

C: I felt your leading edge just now. We also have a trailing edge and I can feel yours around men in past lives.

A: Yeah. I would like to speak to Jillian and Kathleen about those and not talk about them here.

C: I understand. To be felt by another woman or women feels crucial.

A: Thanks for understanding, Christopher.

C: Of course, Angela. Anything else you wanted to talk about?

A: No not really. I want to dance again with you. That was fun.

C: Yes, it was. Simon was a little embarrassed but I could feel him get into it.

A: Totally. He liked it despite himself. I’ll work on him. ; )

C: Lol! I know you will. I feel I am going to check in with him, too, this morning.

A: Okay. Thanks for talking with me.

C: Thank you for your heart, Angela. I am so honoured that you are a part of me.

A: Swoon!

C: Love you, Angela.

A: I love you too, my king.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christopher: Good morning, Simon. How are you feeling about yesterday?

Simon: I’m okay. Glad we made it home without getting pulled over for the headlights.

C: Yeah. I could feel that stress in you.

S: I appreciate you holding that and feeling me in it as you were driving.

C: You are welcome, Simon. These little details can create bigger problems, but nothing that we can’t deal with as they arise.

S: I like feeling it that way. I REALLY appreciated Wayne being there yesterday too. Wow. I feel a little guilty saying that as if I couldn’t have trusted you to handle the details.

C: I understand why you are so grateful. While I we certainly could have dealt with all that ourselves, there is a comfort in having someone else to bounce ideas off of, and just have around as emotional support.

S: Yeah. I felt so much more at ease having both Wayne and Kathleen there. It felt good to feel Kathleen in her vision of the inside amidst all the crap inside. That was pretty cool she could do that.

C: It felt important for all of us to be in agreement in our hearts. I just got how SoulFullHeart is so unique in that every experience we have, whether spiritual or practical, are all sacred and calls us to feel ourselves in every moment, not just when we journal or have a session.

S: You just now got that?

C: Well, no. I guess it just landed a little deeper as I am typing this out. We are discussing a pretty typical experience that people have on a daily basis, but we are feeling it, digesting it, reflecting on it, learning from it. Who does that when buying a vehicle? It is usually filled with anxiety, stress, control, frustration, reservation, annoyance, and a plethora of other unfelt emotions that just get repressed and gets lodged into the emotional body.

S: Are you still talking to me?

C: I thought I was. You didn’t have that experience?

S: I guess I wasn’t conscious of it. I was too busy stressing. However, now that you are talking about it, it was different for me. I could feel stress but that stress was being held and outed by you and therefore gave it air. That helped me to relax which made the day go by without that pent up energy I usually get. So, yeah, as a part I get what you are saying. That is totally cool.

C: I’m glad you felt that.

S: Me too. Is this journal worth publishing? It doesn’t feel deep enough.

C: They are all worth publishing, Simon. They all have worth to me and you and that is priceless. I don’t need anyone to “like” it. I do. Our SoulFullHeart family does If it goes into someone else then that is awesome, but not required.

S: Okay. Good enough for me. I guess that is still an old image thing. Letting it go.

C: I like it.

S: Me too.

C: Let’s go get something to eat, shall we?

S: Starving.

C: Actually, we’re thriving with love.

S: That’s a whole new blog, let’s eat.

C: Fair enough.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 24 – Coming Out Is Going In

Published on December 13, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

Day 24

There have been lives where I have tried to bring the divine feminine into the church and was ridiculed and excommunicated for it. I have also experienced the other side, in being persecuted for just being female. The “old ways” were a threat to the ruling church order. I can feel other lifetimes of going against the grain that ended in pain. I feel I succumbed to the adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

Christopher: Good morning, Nathaniel. After Jillian’s blog yesterday, I realized we haven’t spoken in a while. Are you up for it?

Nathaniel: Yes, I would. Been a little lonely lately.

C: I am sorry, Nathaniel. So many changes happening lately.

N: Yes, there are. A new romance. It feels good to feel your heart in that space. You have much love for her.

C: Thanks, Nathaniel. That feels good to hear that from you. Yes, I do.

N: It is good to feel someone with a daemon as well. Your past relationships did not have that consciousness.

C: No, they didn’t. I was not conscious myself. Even when we did first connect, a part of me wasn’t permitting me to embody the reality of you. Now that is far from the case.

N: I can feel how I may have been partly the cause of the lack of permission. I can feel the desire of wanting to stay off the radar. Incognito, as Wayne and Yeshua put it.

C: I know we have been through a bit of the reasons together, but would you mind sharing with the readers. This would be the opposite of incognito.

N: I feel like I would, Christopher. I would like to have a purpose other than guarding, as I mentioned in another conversation. Talking about myself may help others like me realize they are not alone.

C: That would be incredible, Nathaniel.

N: There have been lives where I have tried to bring the divine feminine into the church and was ridiculed and excommunicated for it. I have also experienced the other side, in being persecuted for just being female. The “old ways” were a threat to the ruling church order. I can feel other lifetimes of going against the grain that ended in pain. I feel I succumbed to the adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

C: Incoginito.

N: Yeah. Stay hidden. Protect the feminine. Which really turned into care-take the feminine.

C: What do you want this life, Nathaniel?

N: I know I do not want to stay hidden any longer. I want to feel my connection to the Divine again. I used to want to go back home, but now that you are among other daemons, I feel more at home. I don’t know if I want to project myself out to the world at this moment, that feels a bit vulnerable, but I guess that is what I am doing now.

C: I feel what you mean, Nathaniel.

N: I want to help in some way, Christopher. I know I mentioned having gifts and I would like to harness again. I feel I put them to the side, fearing their use would bring me, and you, more pain.

C: You may need some healing from the past to help that along.

N: Yes. I believe I do. I feel myself waning, Christopher. The thought of coming out more makes me nervous and I tend to go back into hiding.

C: I can feel that in my body right now. There is a push-pull in you. Desire and retraction which creates flatness. You said you wanted more connection with the Divine. Let’s talk to Mother.

N: Yes. I would like that.

Mother: Hello, my beloved Nathaniel. Your heart feels closed. May I sit with you?

N: Of course, Mother.

M: Just sit quietly with me and feel my heart with yours.

N: Yes, Mother.

……..(here, I play Ava Maria)

N: So much pain, Mother. I miss you so much. All those years of being hated for loving you. I am sorry I went into hiding. I feel I failed you.

M: You have NEVER failed me, my son. You have always been true to me. I do not blame you for needing to hide after all you have been through, Nathaniel.

N: You forgive me, Mother?

M: There is no forgiveness needed, Nathaniel. That is old church dogma to keep you small. You are always in a state of Grace, no forgiveness necessary. My love does not require anything but your love.

N: I love you, Mother. So much.

M: I feel that in your tears and your pain, Nathaniel. That pain you feel is my love entering you and bringing it up to be felt. I want you to feel again, Nathaniel.

N: I do too, Mother. I want to feel you again like I used to.

M: Then it shall be so. Just ask Nathaniel and we can feel each other. I have tears for you as well, Nathaniel, as I miss you as much as you miss me.

N: That is hard for me to let in sometimes.

M: I will keep reminding you.

N: Thank you so much, Mother.

M: I thank you, my beautiful son. For your courage to come out of hiding, one felt step at a time.

N: Thank you, Christopher, for feeling what I needed. The music was a stroke of genius.

C: Oh, Nathaniel. You are so very welcome. Sometimes I need a way in too. Soon the music will just be a part of our heart and it will open without help. Until then, we both need it.

N: I feel ready for the day.

C: Me too! A dose of Mother Love is better than coffee any day.

N: Amen.

C: I love you, Nathaniel.

N: And I love you too, Christopher. So much.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 23 – Presence of Heart

Published on December 12, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

Day 23

Being in presence is an experience that is outside the mind. When the mind takes its rightful place, you are free to be in flow of your essence. There is no positioning or postulating. That is the false self doing mind work that is grounded in personal wounding and social conditioning. When that is healed, you begin to feel your way in each moment. Then you are on sacred ground.

Christopher: Good morning, Mother.

Mother: Good morning, my beloved son. How are you this sacred moment?

C: That is a beautiful way of putting it…’this sacred moment’.

M: One day you will experience how all moments are sacred, this one in particular.

C: Feels like that is getting back to being in the presence of presence in the present.

M: A little philosophical, don’t you feel?

C: Yeah. Not very heart-based. Trying to be fancy.

M: There is truth in what you say, but it is only real when you feel it. Do you feel the presence of presence in the present?

C: I don’t know. If I did, I guess I would know. Or maybe I wouldn’t. I am confused now.

M: That means you are not trying too hard to ‘figure’ it out. Being in presence is an experience that is outside the mind. When the mind takes its rightful place, you are free to be in flow of your essence. There is no positioning or postulating. That is the false self doing mind work that is grounded in personal wounding and social conditioning. When that is healed, you begin to feel your way in each moment. Then you are on sacred ground.

C: Not a lot of that in the city. I could feel my heart in the beginning and then as time goes on it is hard to maintain that being surrounded by the matrix of mind that is a city.

M: That is not easy when you are in the process of deconstructing the false self which is used to the mind matrix. You begin to ‘forget’ who you are.

C: Yeah, totally. Well, I didn’t forget as much as I could feel an energetic reaction. I am glad Kathleen is getting herself out of that.

M: As am I, Christopher. I wish everyone had the emotional consciousness to ‘get out’. And by that I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally. That may require leaving physically at some point, but just to get out of the trap they find themselves in. A self imposed exile of the heart. I can feel those that are trying to help in a big city, but they are not helping themselves and therefore just adding to the paintrix.

C: Wow! That is a good one, Mother. The Paintrix. I mean, in terms of words. Not good in regards to the emotion of it.

M: I know what you meant. It is sad, but true. The Paintrix of Mind can only be healed from the inside of each individual heart and that is a sovereign choice. One can try and help others to feel and heal, but only when it is a choice made by the soul itself. You must heal your heart in an environment that is conducive to healing.

C: …and get back to Presence of Heart.

M: Yes.

C: Thank you for that Mother. I really want to feel more Presence of Heart. This weaves in perfectly with where I originally wanted to go.

M: I took you off course again? Hmmm…

C: Lol! Yeah. I am getting used to that. You asked me how I was and that reminded me of an exchange I had with a Tibetan shop keeper around how in this North American culture we ask that question without really feeling it. And then that took me to how that is a symptom of our lack of relationality, and then I felt my own lack in that.

M: Okay. So how does that weave in with what we started about?

C: I feel like with presence of heart comes relationality. When someone asks how I am, I feel like just telling them the truth and see what happens, rather than “fine thanks, and you?”. It is more relational. They may not care, but at least I am not continuing the cycle of blah, blah, blah.

M: Sounds like a good practice to me. A part of you may have a reaction to that, so I would negotiate with him.

C: Feels like Simon has a hard time being relational. I can feel him wanting to try and be relational but it feels forced and managed. When among people the perception management kicks in and I fall into usual phrases. This a place for me to lead and feel Simon.

M: Being in the presence of heart will help you to lead that. Ask yourself what you are feeling every so often to practice this. Just be aware of yourself around others and journal with Simon about anything that triggers him. The more that you can be relational, the more that others can receive your true heart and love. And that is no small thing, my dear Christopher and Simon. Others need it, desire it, and long for it. As do you.

C: Thank you, Mother. I am letting that in. Time to go be relational.

M: I will be with you my beloved son.

C: : )

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