Divine Self Embodiment Blog (Formerly SoulFullHeart)

Vegucated: A SoulFullHeart Movie Review

Published on January 23, 2014January 23, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

By Christopher Tydeman

If we really want our future generations to live in a clean and sustainable home, we must stop this meat addiction.

I was asked to do a movie review by Jillian, which brought me back to the more serious and heart-centered side to my journey into a vegan lifestyle. I saw a documentary last April titled, Vegucated, and just watched it again on Netflix. I remember watching the movie Forks Over Knives several months earlier but was not as moved to action as I was with this film.

The premise of Vegucated is to educate about the importance of a plant-based diet in regards to health, but it takes it a step further to address the environmental and ethical impacts of animal factory farming. The film’s creator makes this a human story by taking three different previously meat-eating people on a vegan journey for six weeks. They are introduced to vegan foods, travel to witness factory (and family) farming practices, and learn about environmental degradation that is a result of our increased animal farming needs.

At the time I watched this, I was already a vegetarian but still ate fish and eggs. I became vegetarian initially for health reasons, but also was feeling into the spiritual aspects as well. After watching Vegucated, all of this just clunked inside me, big time. My heart was open and I felt the emotional and ethical ramifications in not going all the way. Like the people in the movie, I was transforming. I could not consciously continue half-assed.

Of course, like those in the film, it has been a transition. A part of me still missed meat and eggs. They represent my childhood and past social gatherings. They were a way a part of me felt love from my mom and dad. Memories of barbequing with my father and having breakfast made by my mother. They also represent societal acceptance. If you don’t eat meat you are considered odd, or a communist. These are emotional connections we have to our food. I have “cheated” a few times. It is all part of a transition. We must negotiate with parts of us or else we are just paving over their emotional needs. To be honest, it hasn’t been all that difficult because of that negotiation. I have had a burger once since I became vegetarian and fish and chips a couple of times since choosing to be vegan. I met a need with a negotiation and the desire for those foods is on its way out the door.

Watching Vegucated a second time really allowed me to let in the environmental impact that increased animal farming is having on our planet. This is no small truth. If we really want our future generations to live in a clean and sustainable home, we must stop this meat addiction. That is exactly what it is…an addiction. We do not need animal protein. It was necessary for a part of our evolution, but somehow it got stuck in our collective consciousness that we are carnivores. So the more people that inhabit this planet, the more meat is produced. More meat means more space needed to graze, more water, more methane, and on and on. Along with our dependence on oil, we have a dependence on animal protein. Both will have huge impacts if we don’t turn it around. This is not crazy talk. It is just plain science.

Okay…a part of me clearly needed to vent. Thanks for taking that in. I feel I am preaching to the choir in this blog, but if you know someone who is not sure about this whole vegan consciousness, have them watch Vegucated. If you are vegetarian, you may want to do the same just to feel the parts about dairy, fish, and eggs. It will change you. I promise. If there are other documentaries you know about I would love to hear about them.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life off and on since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com

Meat The Truth: A SoulFullHeart Movie Review

Published on January 22, 2014November 15, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

By Christopher Tydeman

After my last movie review, I ended with a passionate interest in the environmental impacts of factory farming. I spent some time doing some research and found a documentary titled, Meat the Truth. It curiously asks why Al Gore’s movie, An Inconvenient Truth, neglected to mention that the biggest contributor to greenhouse gasses is due to the full scale farming of animals for food. Feels a bit inconvenient when you are a cattle rancher and have friends in high places. Though, to be fair, I have read he is advocating for less meat in our diets due to the connection of food production and environmental impacts.

The film illustrates this connection with interviews of scientists and current and former ranchers. It also uses a LOT of analogies which are hard to wrap your head around sometimes. What I did come away with are a few important points. It takes a considerable amount more resources to produce one pound of meat in relation to one pound of wheat. The methane production from cattle is off the charts. The amount of land needed to grow feed is increasing, which means less trees. There is no defined management system of the waste produced, which is WAY more than what we humans produce and we have an extensive waste management system. This waste then pollutes our water supply.

This impacts us and our planet. You don’t have to be an agricultural scientist to see that. From a spiritual place, this is disheartening. Not only are we maiming and murdering hundreds of thousands of animals each year, we are aiding in the degradation of our planet. How have we closed our hearts to this? A part of us, or even more than one, has been formed to adapt to the status quo. Not to question, just accept. I am not judging this part of us. It has done so for its own need for survival. I feel for this part. It is hard as hell to go against the norm when you just want to be accepted.

So this part uses “reason” to fight against what is truly reasonable. To fight for an industry of death even though our very nature is an industry of life. It is an awakening to feel the lie that this part has had to agree to just to feel accepted. It is painful, but when this part gets to be felt, it can let go of the postulating. It can feel what is real and true in our soul. It is a new frontier of compassion and sacred activism to stop the barbarism and destruction.

SoulFullHeart feels life as all-connected. What we do to the animals and our planet, we do to ourselves energetically. Each choice we make reverberates in the web of life and the Divine. I choose to love myself and in turn love all life. I don’t eat meat anymore. I feel the spiritual price and it is too great. I transitioned to a vegan lifestyle for physical, emotional, and spiritual health. The main thing I got from this movie is that one small change makes an enormous difference. This leads to other small changes which have even bigger results. We can damn near change the world by just taking small steps to changing what we eat. And a part of me says…that’s pretty fucking cool!

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life off and on since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator and healing arts facilitator at SoulFullHeart retreats.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about starting the process to separate your false self from your authentic self during group, couples, and individual healing retreats on an ecoranch in Mexico.

Conversation With Divine Mother: Being Vegan As A Reflection Of Your Inner Emotional Health

Published on January 21, 2014January 22, 2014 by Jelelle Awen

Note: This blog article was previously published on our SoulFullHeart Vegan Blog, which we are now consolidating into this blog.

If someone can digest a violently abused animal and not feel anything about it, that’s the degree that there is emotional abuse and violence going on subconsciously inside of them. One part to another. This abuse is a product of their childhoods and past lives.

Hello, Divine Mother, It’s Jillian. I’m wondering if you might offer something about being vegan as a message to those who are following that path and those that are curious about it.

Hello, Jillian. I like that you are publically writing with me, like Wayne’s 90 days with Yeshua. Perhaps we would do 90 days together too?

J: Oh, wow, well I feel a reaction to that, probably my daemon Morgaine who says that feels overwhelming and intense right now.

DM: Well, all respect to Morgaine, it feels like it would most benefit her and bring you and I in closer connection while offering my voice and message to your readers, which is hard for most people to hear on their own.

J: Why is it hard for most people to hear? Wait, I thought we were going to talk about being vegan?

DM: Ah, dear Jillian, did you forget that I like to weave and circle my way through? Yes, we’ll talk about being vegan, and I invite you to feel into offering 90 days with me too. Negotiation with Morgaine, yes?

J: Yes, for sure. Ok, it ruffles some feathers in the moment but, of course, I will feel into it. So, being vegan?

DM: Why is this even a question, this choice? This one is so basic, so fundamental, so critical that it is surprising so many people still struggle and resist it. How you treat all creatures is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Humans have rock bottom self worth, priorities based in false self image and attainment, and have disconnected from the reality of Oneness. These are all the symptoms that lead to the condition of abusing, murdering, and then eating animals.

J: I thought you might be more neutral on this issue, considering how many pressing issues are facing us humans right now.

DM: The nuclear crisis in Japan, the ongoing slaughter in Syria, the starvation of millions of children all over the world…you mean all of these issues?

J: Yes…ah, my heart feels heavy when you just start to list them. I want to ask you how we are ever going to find our way through, but that feels like a piece to feel into during our 90 days together (‘if we do that’, pipes in Morgaine.)

DM: Finding your way through is not about mentally solving the problems, but by feeling and following your heart. This applies whether to what you choose to do for a living to what you choose to put in your mouth to whether you choose to heal this life or not. If your choices are motivated and centered in your heart, you will find your way through.

J: But we haven’t placed a priority on the heart! We’ve placed it on our minds. Our society has made a false god out of what our mind can reason, rationalize, and filter, even to the point of so many spiritual offering being about controlling your thoughts, positive thinking, and manifestation through thoughts.

DM: The mind is an important filter, made too important by your modern culture. This is what I am here to help bring into balance. I want to say much more about this yet I feel your sweet inner child Aurora wanting me to talk more about animals and being vegan.

J: Yes, she would like that!

DM: Humans are interesting to me when it comes to their relationship with animals. You project so much of yourselves onto animals, yet, at the same time, you don’t actually get how they are a reflection of you- both your shadow and your light. Does this sound like a paradox? It is, but it doesn’t have to be. Projection onto something comes from an unhealed and subconscious heart, the false self as you and Wayne call it. Projection distances and it plays victim to the projection without taking ownership of it. Take ownership of the projection and you become free to feel what the object of your projection is actually offering you.

J: My mind is struggling with that one but my heart seems to get what you are saying. Aurora says, “Yeah! We are all as innocent and pure as a puppy, but we project onto the puppy that it is cuter and more pure than we are. We give that puppy the love and adoration that part of us wants. Or we project onto an animal, like a cow or a pig, that they are worthless, only good for killing, that we are entitled to eat them, and we feel that way about part of ourselves too, like that part is worthless and only good for killing.”

DM: Yes, miss Aurora. You’ve always been so heart smart.:) I invite people to feel into this question: What if how you treat animals is a reflection of how you treat and feel about yourself? I know I said this already, but it such a crucial point that gets completely missed in the discussion of what to eat or not eat.

J: That’s because emotional truth and the heart are usually missing from the discussion!

DM: Yes. If someone can digest a violently abused animal and not feel anything about it, that’s the degree that there is emotional abuse and violence going on subconsciously inside of them. One part to another. This abuse is a product of their childhoods and past lives. Oh, especially past lives. But, most people don’t acknowledge emotional consciousness as being the underpinning force to everything they choose to do or not do. I am so glad that you and Wayne are bringing that with SoulFullHeart. It’s so important, Jillian. Keep bringing it. Do not give up. People’s hearts will open to it in time.

J: I’m still letting in what you are offering about if we can digest abused animals than we have an inner abuse going on. Wow. I definitely feel that with myself in the past. My inner abuse was around the cycle of self judgement and then shame that left me feeling acutely self consciousness about myself. I felt a part of me wanting to eat better and not eating animals was so ingrained in my soul and in Aurora, yet I couldn’t consciously make that choice while the inner abuse inside me was going on.

DM: Your choice to heal that inner abuse was a hugely brave one, my daughter. Hugely brave. Your culture makes heroes out of warriors, but the true heroes are those who are willing to go into their own hearts and heal the pain and congestion that is there. These heart heroes can then offer this same path to others who can then offer this to others and on and on. Do you see now though how this choice to not eat abused animals anymore is actually a very deep one? One that goes far beyond just buying different products at the grocery store?

J: Yes, wow, yes. This is what I have felt to offer with our SoulFullHeart Vegan Blog, Mother. I feel like parts of people can beat them up about not being vegan or get very defensive and angry when someone suggests that a plant-based lifestyle is better. This just continues the cycle of inner and outer abuse, doesn’t it? It still at its base and core combative and emotionally unconscious.

DM: Yes, it is. Some people do choose to be vegan through a combination of will power and punishment-shame. Yet, over time, their soul and heart consciousness responds to it in a positive way, even if they haven’t healed the deeper emotional congestion we were talking about earlier.

J: It feels like this conversation and your invitation for someone to feel into the question: ‘What if how you treat animals is a reflection of how you treat and feel about yourself?’ is a huge start to shifting consciousness around this issue.

DM: Yes, it is a start. And everything must start somewhere. I look forward to ongoing conversations with you, Jillian.

J: Yes, Mother, me too. I will talk with Morgaine and get back to you.

DM: I’m always here, my daughter. Always and for anyone who has need and vulnerability in their heart and desire to connect with me.

J: Love you, Mother.

DM: I love you too, my dear daughter. And Aurora and Morgaine.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. You can read Jillian Vriend’s book In The Arms of Mother: Healing Through Conscious Connection With The Divine Mother and Introducing The SoulFullHeart Way Of Life onsoulfullheartbooks.com.

2013: A Death and Rebirth Into Real Love

Published on January 9, 2014January 10, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

By Christopher Tydeman

I found myself in many different emotional places, as I had to calibrate to a new way of being and feeling in the world. Who was I without this old filter? What do I do? How do I be? All questions that make up the quest of surrender.

I started to write about all the content that happened to me in 2013, but realized there was a context to it all. Last year was a year of uncovering my false self and his relationship to a false world, created to keep me small, and him safe. This world was set on fire so that a new relationship to my authentic self could be born.

For years I had been feeling unfulfilled. Unsatisfied. Off center. Off course. I had been praying to find myself so I could alleviate this pain. I had medicated with alcohol, drugs, work, being a father, politics, and relationships. My soul was sinking in quicksand and needed a way out. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. That teacher was SoulFullHeart.

For six months prior to 2013 I needed to go into and feel my pain. I accessed parts of myself left in trauma from this life and others. I found myself at a critical time in my life. Do I continue doing the same things, relating to the same people that can’t offer me the growth I need, or do I keep going on this suffering loop? At the beginning of the year, I made the choice to jump.

That was the most difficult crucible I had been through my entire life. To depart a career, family, and friends that a part of me had a codependent and unhealthy attachment to. If there was something truly real there it would have continued to grow with me. But it didn’t and it hasn’t up to this date. It was a dance, and a wrestling, with this part of me to get him to feel how little true love we were actually receiving and letting in. To this part of me that sounded harsh, but he began to feel it over time.

I drew a mate that brought out a part of me that needed to be made conscious so that I could feel those vulnerable places we can’t access unless we are in conscious relationship. I found the codependency that was linked to my relationship with my mother, and templating from my father. I had to find my spine, but it had been buried. We had to complete the relationship for our individual reasons, but have found each other again with new eyes, new heart, and new spine.

I uncovered my personal relationship to the Divine through countless hours of journaling with the Mother. This connection has been invaluable to me in times of uncertainty and fear. I have uncovered my SoulFullHeart self through experiences such as hosting a radio show, writing a vulnerable daily blog with my parts, entering a new ground of friendship with my mentors and facilitators, Jillian and Wayne, and beginning to facilitate another person on this path to self-awareness and emotional consciousness.

I have felt myself differently than I ever have. I still don’t have a clear picture, and maybe never will. What I do know is that through my experiences over the past year, I feel I am held by the Divine and supported by my SoulFullHeart family and mate. 2014 is a year of adventure and total unknowns. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t tell you where I will be or who I will be this time next year. But as long as love is in my heart, it doesn’t really matter.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information on SoulFullHeart.

Feeling Our Contribution To The Causes Of Severe Weather

Published on January 9, 2014January 9, 2014 by Kasha Rosa

By Kathleen Calder

With the major weather crises we have all witnessed happening in North America alone, it isn’t surprising that we are looking at scientific details to figure out what’s going on in our climate. During times of such distress, as we are especially witnessing on the east coast of Canada and the U.S., it also feels necessary that we look at the whole picture when feeling into causes of extreme weather – the political, emotional, and the literal climate, altogether.

In SoulFullHeart, we offer and live into a view of healing yourself that is holistic and we take in all factors that could have led to where a person is at emotionally and physically. We do not isolate emotional or physical symptoms and treat them individually or as separate entities. This offers us deep and effective healing as individuals and as a group. So why not extend this holistic view outwards and use it for looking at and feeling what’s at the root of the intense weather happening in the world?

Let’s look at one example that is close to my heart. Before I moved to Vancouver, Toronto was my home for four years while I went to university there. Part of me left that city with a sour taste in his mouth, feeling tired of the pollution and also of the surprising amount of conservative thinking and politics. Shortly after I moved away, Rob Ford was voted in as mayor. My friends at the time who still lived there were shocked that he managed to get into office, considering he already had a stance that was anti-cyclist and I believe also anti-transit to a certain extent. Expanding bike lanes and creating a safer city for cyclists and also expanding public transit are two major ways in which the city can cut back on pollution. Also, and I know this is looking at physical appearance which may rub some people the wrong way, but if the man can’t take good care of himself, how is he supposed to be trusted to lead a metropolitan city? His drug habits make this apparent, but it’s also clear when you look at him, that this is not a self-loving or respecting man.

I feel that the weather happening in Toronto right now is an outward shake-up, showing up in the climate, that is happening in response to the political climate. Instead, though, of taking a stance of saying that the Divine is “punishing” Toronto, I’d like to offer that Mother (who is most commonly felt as “Mother Earth”), wants Toronto to wake up. The degree of pollution, both literal and energetic needs an upheaval. It’s sad that it had to come to this – that Mother Nature needed to re-balance herself in a way that has unfortunately held many deaths. I say “held” because I feel Mother holds and feels every single one of us in our suffering…suffering we had to reap ourselves so that we can wake up.

It’s easy enough to point fingers and say that any one person or group of people is at fault for this. However, all of us, every single human being, has played some part in the creation of the strong natural imbalance that has led to such severe weather patterns. We have all let our unfelt emotional pain fester to the point of not letting ourselves feel our deep compassion and love for our earth and all its creatures. This has taken shape in the form of supporting factory farming practices by our unconscious consumption of meat, which has led to a staggering amount of pollution both in our skies and in our water. We have also relied heavily on such products as plastic, which has become a huge problem in our oceans, being consumed by wildlife at an alarming rate, and is not biodegradable, so it remains in the environment for eons. Not to mention that plastic is created by oil – another way in which we have literally been raping the planet and the atmosphere. I understand that oil has been a number one commodity for so long that it’s hard to imagine the state of our economy without it, but the affects on the environment are insurmountable at best. Oil spills are costly to our wildlife and our own health as well. The foray into nuclear power has over and over again proven detrimental. We cannot afford the risks these practices pose to our health and our environments health. The earth is sick and She is trying to re-balance Herself, like our own bodies do when we endure fevers and other physical reactions.

Aside from literally harming the environment in these ways, we are also harming the environment and each other energetically every day. Every unfelt, undigested emotional trauma is yet another excuse to harm ourselves and one another. This is what I feel fuels our need to follow religious dogma to the point where we feel God is actually telling us it’s okay to kill, rape and pillage. The inverse of that is following “spiritual/new age” dogma that insists we ignore the state of the world because “it isn’t real” and in order to become truly enlightened we need to disengage from it and from taking responsibility for it. I feel this goes directly against why we signed up to be human in this life, in this time when being deeply engaged in our feeling, physical bodies is so necessary to save our planet. This all goes into Mother’s heart. This is part of what She needs us all to feel into. Taking that step to feel into and recognize our accountability for the state of the planet is a big deal and isn’t easy, but is so deeply necessary.

This is a lot to take in, but it’s important to remember that we are more powerful and therefore much more responsible for our world than many of us think…and are at the same time, much more capable of saving it than any of us have ever felt comfortable believing before.

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way of Life since January, 2012. Go here to read more of her writing and visit soulfullheart.com for more information about SoulFullHeart.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 30 – Self-Authority: Authoring Your Own Story

Published on December 21, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

90 Days With My Parts: Day 30-

This is a sovereign, self-loving choice. It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts. This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart. It may be a day, a week, or a month. That is a real-time decision made between us. The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

Christopher: Good morning, Mother.

Mother: Blessed morning, dearest Christopher. What is in your heart this morning?

C: Well, I was lying in bed and getting an irritation about this blog. I checked in with my parts, specifically Simon and Nathaniel, and they are feeling a bit torn on this blog in the moment. I offered what you mentioned to Simon about taking some time off and they seemed to like that idea.

M: Okay. What is behind that? I guess my question is why are you telling me this?

C: I can feel a part of me asking for permission, looking for an okay.

M: Mmm. I see. I am going to let you handle this one dearest Christopher. They need to hear it from you. You are the SFH self not me, my son. I feel you already know my answer.

C: You are right. Thank you for reflecting that back to me.

M: That is one of the ways I serve.

C: I am getting that. Okay…good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: I was feeling all of our desire to postpone the blog. Why do you feel the desire?

S: I guess I just want to journal with you without the feeling it is being published. It is hard for me to get totally vulnerable with you knowing that. Plus I don’t feel as close to you when we type it as when we write it. I can also feel like this is another task.

C: I have felt this in you for a while. You talked to Mother about this. Do you remember what she said?

S: She said the most important thing was me and my needs.

C: We felt that a postponement was a negotiation, right?

S: Yes, we did.

C: That takes in consideration your needs, as well as Nathaniel’s.

S: Yes.

C: But I feel something in you that is struggling with that desire.

S: I can feel that I don’t want to disappoint Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen. When I say that I can feel how that is just an old way I would have felt this. I know that they would be behind this 100%. They would support us even if we decided not to do it anymore. They would just want to feel what was behind the decision. The feeling. No judgment, just data.

C: Yes, exactly. This is a sovereign, self-loving choice. It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts. This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart. It may be a day, a week, or a month. That is a real-time decision made between us. The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

S: I noticed the word ‘author’ in authority.

C: Yeah! Good catch. We get to author our own story, not someone else.

S: That is way cool. We pulled a Wayne and Yeshua!

C: I think we did, buddy. How does that help you feel about taking some time off?

S: I feel lighter about it.

C: I feel that already in my body. Anything else before I talk to Nathaniel?

S: I don’t think so.

C: Okay. We will talk later. Good morning, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel: Good morning, Christopher.

C: What were you feeling about this decision?

N: I was feeling the need to be a little less outed. I was feeling a need to connect with you privately as well. We have just gotten to know each other and this feels a little less personal to me. I understand the power of this container, and would like to participate in it when I feel a bit more connected to you. I was feeling a little “dog and pony” about it.

C: Hmmm. Yeah. There might some of that in there. I felt that we were authentic though, for the most part.

N: Oh, yes. We certainly were. My words were true to my heart as were yours. It was just an image that came to me. I want to feel a deeper desire to share. One that comes with more time with you privately.

C: Okay. That is what we felt together this morning.

N: I am grateful for the times with Mother and I hope that others can feel how we all have that connection, not just a select few. It is a connection that I want to share, but also want to have privately as well.

C: Yes. Well said. I feel we can share whatever experiences you wish to share after some time.

N: I like that idea. Thank you, Christopher. I feel your leadership in this decision. You will make a great king someday.

C: Wow. Thank you, Nathaniel. That is really amazing to hear. And you will be my wise guide.

N: I would like that.

Mother: Before you end, Christopher, what is your part in this decision?

C: I was noticing that their feelings are my feelings. I need to advocate for myself. Even though I have changed, and am changing, because of this blog, that doesn’t mean I won’t stop changing. I am not going to stop journaling. I have enjoyed sharing myself, but I also wonder where it is landing. My parts are becoming suspect as well. I know my SoulFullHeart family takes them in. I desire to continue the 90 Days because I want to for myself and because I know it is being digested by them. I feel this decision as a growth point for me.

M: Indeed, Christopher. I can feel your heart and your desire to share with the world. This is part of your purpose. You are discovering that with these blogs. You are also teaching with these as well. You are demonstrating advocacy, self-love, sovereignty, and authority. I am honoured to have been a part of it.

C: Thank you so much, Mother. That goes way in. No time in my life has 30 days done so much to help me discover who I am and what I am capable of. I want that to continue.

M: Then it shall be so.

C: Thanks to all of you who have been reading this the last 30 days. I am changed because of your heart taking it in as well. I am honoured you have been a part of it. I will pick it back up when my heart calls.

Much love and gratitude,

Christopher

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 29 – The Gift of Love

Published on December 20, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them. We were all looking to do that. Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy. Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

Day 29

Christopher: Hello, everyone. I felt drawn to address all of you this afternoon. Another roundtable team meeting.

SImon: Is this like a staff meeting, cuz if it is I’m outta here? I had enough of those teaching.

C: No Simon. I just wanted to feel all my parts around this time of year. I was moved by Jillian’s blog today and wanted to feel some triggers and joy around the holidays. I am glad you spoke up, Simon. I have felt some annoyance with the holidays. Would you care to share?

S: I tend to get wrapped up in the gift thing. Ha! That was funny. Get it?

C: Yes, Simon. That was good. What about the gift thing?

S: I guess I have always been stressed around getting someone a gift they like. I feel like I have an image around it. Did I “hit a home run”? Do they feel I am a good gift finder? Did I get them enough? Am I being balanced? Did I spend enough? Oh, for God’s sakes what is wrong with me? These are people that love me and just want me for me, not for what I give them for a gift. I used to fucking hate this! Looking for acceptance by gift giving. I feel I used to rail against it as commercialism, which is still true, but it was a truth in service to the stress of feeling my own pressure.

C: Wow, Simon. Right on, man. I feel some juice in this. I feel I fused with you a bit around this and should have done more checking with you before going out. Did you feel that this year?

S: Not as much. I enjoyed going out with Kathleen and Raianna. It is just this old shit that followed me around. Feels like the dregs of an old punishing voice.

C: That was intuitive, Simon. What would you like to say to this voice?

S: Leave me the fuck alone! I am not a part of the old conditioning anymore. I have a family that loves me for me and I don’t need to impress any of them to be given love.

C: Amen, brother! Can we still love this voice though? This voice feels like it was there to make sure you got love, Simon, the only way it knew how.

S: Yeah, I can feel that. I’m sorry. It is true. Had I had SoulFullHeart at that time I would have been able to feel that part of me. A part of a part. Is this possible?

C: I haven’t the faintest clue. It feels like as I am growing more, you are as well. Leaving some old things behind. Getting separation from the old life. Feels like it could be Marcus. Is that you, Marcus?

Marcus: Hi, Christopher.

C: It has been a while, Marcus. What is going on, my friend?

M: I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them. We were all looking to do that. Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy. Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

C: What would you have liked Christmas to be like, Marcus?

M: I guess just to have people get together and share our love for each other. Eat good food, tell stories, play games, watch movies, and maybe exchange a gift or two, nothing fancy.

C: That sounds like a SoulFullHeart Christmas to me.

M: Yeah, I guess it does. I feel like I was projecting some old family conditioning when we were shopping. I am sorry, Simon.

S: Thanks, Marcus. I am sorry I said leave me the fuck alone. That was just backed up frustration of all those years.

M: I get it. Believe me. Thank you, Simon. There is a better way to hold gift giving and that should be done by Christopher.

S: Agreed!

C: I should have held that more and I apologize as well. I feel that gifts are from the heart and if we are not in our hearts then the gift is just a false token of love. We are energetically passing on unworthiness and that is held in the gift itself. If we really looked with our heart-eyes, we would see everyone handing each other piles of shit and saying thank you for it. That is not what the holidays are about. How do you feel about this, Nathaniel?

Nathaniel: I couldn’t have said it better myself. I have always been irritated by this Christmas thing. The false social structure, the false religious foundation, the false relationship to the Divine. It is maddening to really let it in. But I appreciate the way you are bringing this, Christopher. The way SoulFullHeart holds this time of year. Your magical children set the tone of this season and let it be what it truly is.

C: And that is?

N: About joy, magic, peace, and love.

C: You sound like a hippie.

N: Right on, man.

C: Now THAT was funny! Good to feel your sense of humour after what you said.

N: I am getting that without some light, this world would be way too dark. Even a daemon needs balance.

C: Amen. How about you, Angela. How are the holidays for you?

Angela: It is about singing, and dancing, and being creative. I like making gifts! So much funner.

C: We had some fun today creating, didn’t we?

A: Yes, we did. I can’t wait to show everyone!

C: Me too, Angela. And of course I can’t forget you Peter!

Peter: Christmas is about snow!!!! That was soooo coool! I want to play in it again! Can we? Can we?

C: Of course! If it sticks around. What else is Christmas about?

P: Cookies! Lots and lots of cookies!

C: Hahaha! Okay, we will make cookies.

P: It is also about being nice to people and not being so serious. Too many grumpy bunnies out there. I don’t like that.

C: I feel we can all agree on that. Thanks for reminding us Peter about having fun.

P: You’re welcome, Santa Christopoopoo.

C: I love you, Peter.

P: I love you too, silly.

C: Merry Christmas everyone. Let’s go have some fun.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 28 – Fear Of Real Love

Published on December 19, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman

Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves. There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love. You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level. Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so. To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

Day 28

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Kathleen and how you are impacted.

S: ‘Impacted’ sounds like a car crash.

C: Okay. Affected then.

S: That sounds a little better.

C: What comes up when I ask that?

S: I feel like if I say something it may land in a way I didn’t intend.

C: Sounds like management.

S: Yeah. You’re right. I need to let you handle that one. Old habits.

C: This is what this is all about Simon. Healing what prevents us from giving and receiving love.

S: Okay. My leading edge enjoys having someone around for you to relate to. Someone for you to express love and feel love. I enjoy that a part of her is similar to me. Someone who gets why I am the way I am. We can be that way together sometimes and get things done. We also laugh at the same stuff and that is cool. It’s like having a good friend around to share things with and do stuff with.

C: That feels sweet, Simon. I can feel your resonance with a part of her. That feels like it affects you in a very good way.

S: Yeah it does. I feel like I can relate to someone. I have always cordoned myself off from other people because of my fear of intimacy. Like I can hang out for so long and then I need to get away to prevent getting too close.

C: What would happen if you got ‘too close’?

S: I feel like I would get exposed, become vulnerable to conflict which, as we talked about earlier, feels uncomfortable to me from my past experiences with my parents and past relationships.

C: While I feel that is true on one level, I can’t also help to feel that is in service to the fear of something deeper.

S: Like what?

C: Maybe you are afraid of love itself.

S: Hmmm. I’m confused.

C: Your experience of ‘love’ is skewed and jaded from your past experiences. You really don’t know what true love is, do you?

S: I don’t think I do, Christopher. Love has always been felt as a struggle, a responsibility. This is what I got from my parents. I can feel how that was turned upside down with Jillian, but then it found its way there again, as if what was being offered by her was too much for me to accept as real.

C: Well, don’t put that all on you, Simon. Remember, it is a two-way street, but I can feel how you were conditioned to relate to love in that way. There may be lifetimes in that conditioning. I drew Jillian, and now Kathleen, for the purpose of experiencing real love that is “upside down”, as you said, from what you experienced in order to heal that conditioning. To heal it into its right side up position.

S: That makes sense. I feel some sadness in never feeling real love transact between my parents. I can feel how I ached for that feeling. I couldn’t feel it in my friends’ parents either. It was just the way it was. I feel like I gave up on real love. Like it doesn’t exist.

C: Haven’t you felt it between Jillian and Wayne? In session with Jillian and Wayne? When Raianna was born? On your wedding day? In moments between me and Kathleen?

S: Yes, Christopher. I feel it now. Thank you. Ugh! Why is my heart so buried, Christopher? Why am I so afraid of something so beautiful and powerful?

C: Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves, Simon. There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love. You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level. Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so. To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

S: I want to feel that love more, Christopher.

C: I do too, Simon.

S: As you were typing, I could also feel how my need to be solo is based on feeling like I never had my own space, my own choices. I was always responding to someone or something else. When Raianna moved, I felt that it was finally my time to live life on my terms only to continue to create more relationships to others rather than myself. When you moved here, I felt like that possibility was gone. I can admit that I threw a monkey wrench in your relationship to Kathleen.

C: I feel why you did that, Simon. I was not present enough to feel you at that time.

S: I know, Christopher. I am just walking this out. I feel your desire for a mate. I feel a desire to feel real love, and that is through you that I get it. I can admit that I worry I won’t get that if you are with another person.

C: You have every reason to believe that, Simon. I have to prove myself to you each and every day that I will be here for you and give you the real love you need and deserve. I love you with all my heart and you are the most important part of me.

S: Thanks, Christopher. That goes in deep. My tears are for all the times I never felt that as a child. Thank you for helping me to remember all the other times I felt real love. It is out there. It exists. I just want more of it.

C: Then you shall receive it because you are worthy of it.

S: Still hard for me sometimes.

C: Never said it would be easy.

S: I am tired all of a sudden.

C: That was a lot, Simon. Let us rest up for Raianna’s visit so we can let in more love.

S: Okay. Sounds good.

C: I love you, Simon.

S: I love you too, Christopoopoo.

C: Seriously? In this tender moment?

S: : P

30 Days With My Parts: Day 27 – Serving the Servant

Published on December 18, 2013January 4, 2014 by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

We co-create this reality together, my love. I need you as much as you need me. I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel. I long and ache to be felt just as you do. I have needs and desires, as well. If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul.

Day 27

Christopher: Hello, Mother. I feel to connect with you since I am not having any major pull to a specific part of me.

Mother: I always enjoy being with you, Christopher. How may I serve you?

C: Uh…wow. To Nathaniel that sounds weird. He is used to serving you.

M: Ah, yes. The Daemon Trap.

C: The what?

M: The Daemon Trap. I feel that daemons have been so conditioned to being servants through the world’s religions that any thought of the opposite is blasphemy. How can the Divine possibly serve the ones that are the servants?

C: He says, that doesn’t make sense.

M: My dear, Nathaniel. We co-create this reality together, my love. I need you as much as you need me. I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel. I long and ache to be felt just as you do. I have needs and desires, as well. If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul. I want to serve you and Christopher in any way I can to make that happen.

Nathaniel: I can feel how over the lifetimes, I have been convinced and persecuted to believe that humans are below you. That they are meant to carry out your Will in your name.

M: What is my Will, Nathaniel?

N: To Love and be loved.

M: Was that the will of their god?

N: No. It was to judge and make sacrifices. To follow the Word without question. To be in subordination.

M: So that is the trap, Nathaniel. A false god trap. I do not blame you for succumbing to it. So much pain and fear in resisting. In fact, it may all be a part of the process.

N: And why is that?

M: This Grand Experience is rooted in getting to feel itself completely, in all its glory and terror. To separate in order to come back together with more love than before. It doesn’t make sense to the Mind, Nathaniel, but when we get to feel each other in our pain, we can feel each other in our love. It is an eternal paradox. Just like the servant being served.

N: I think I get it. I still need time to feel you as serving me and Christopher rather than the other way around.

M: We serve each other equally. We are one and and the same, Nathaniel. That will be felt as you experience me more. For now, let me serve you and Christopher in any way I can. It is the Will of My Heart.

N: Yes, Mother.

M: So? How may I serve you?

N: I am feeling a little lost in my purpose. I want to feel a call, a passion pursuit. I miss that. I feel I used to have it then it got buried.

M: I feel your desire for that, Nathaniel. You have great passion for rising up against the false system. However, I want you to remember you are a daemon sent to provide guidance. You were meant to serve Christopher through my Love. Not serve me through Christopher’s soul.

N: Whoa. You have me hanging upside down right now.

M: Good. How does it feel?

N: Strange. As soon as you said that I could feel how that was so true in the past. I took over seeing the inequities and injustices throughout the world. I wanted to do something about it. I feel I hijacked this soul.

M: I feel “hijacked” is a charged term. You did what you felt was necessary to right what you felt were wrongs. This was another part of the Daemon Trap. Getting so involved that you forgot your place in the Grand Experience. This too felt a necessary part of the separation and integration process I mentioned earlier. This has been done by many daemons all over the planet. Getting caught up in justice, power, glory, inequity, greed, so and so on.

N: I feel relieved I am not the only one.

M: Your fusion was for the compassion of those in need and suffering. There are other daemons in need and suffering. You can be a part of that healing, Nathaniel, but you need to heal yourself first. I feel a responsibility in you to make it “right”. You can’t do that on your own as we discussed before.

N: Thank you, Mother. I do feel a rumble and I want to use that to help Christopher with his purpose. I feel how my healing helps with this. Having you reframe my relationship to this soul was a big step for me. Thank you.

M: You are very welcome, my son. I can’t feel you if you can’t feel you. And my Will is to feel all my children with me in every moment.

N: And my will is to feel you as much as possible, Mother.

M: Then it shall be so.

N: Amen.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 26 – Healing Into Loving Conflict

Published on December 17, 2013December 21, 2013 by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

That is the where we can be different. I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity. Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together. This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

Day 26-

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher.

C: Since I am exploring a relationship again, I wanted to talk about vulnerability and conflict, as those were difficult to access the last time we were in one.

S: Don’t you have to go Christmas shopping?

C: Simon…

S: Clean the RV?

C: > : {

S: Clip your toenails?

C: Simon!

S: Ugh! I know. We are in conflict right now.

C: Why is that?

S: I am avoiding the discussion. Sorry. I feel how this is important for us to have even though I feel like I have been here many times.

C: Why do you feel it is important?

S: Because conflict is important to our growth, especially me. It has been a lifelong struggle. Maybe even these past lives you talk about.

C: What is the struggle about?

S: Being vulnerable with a feeling and then either hurting someone’s heart or getting a defensive kick back. One leaves me feeling guilty, the other hurt.

C: Tell me more.

S: I can feel how my templating for conflict was unhealthy. My parents fought and left me feeling unsafe. I didn’t like how it felt in my body. It stayed there because they never really talked to me about it or it was never resolved between them.

C: So you learned how to diffuse conflict so you didn’t have to reactivate that feeling inside.

S: I guess so.

C: This wounding feels like Peter to me. Do you feel you are protecting him?

S: Hmmm, I suppose so. I feel how that is true.

C: Peter? Would you like to talk to me for a bit?

Peter: I guess. What about?

C: Your mommy and daddy when you were a boy.

P: What about them, Christopher?

C: How did you feel when they fought?

P: Scared. They scared me, Christopher. They yelled and broke things sometimes. I just put my head under the pillow.

C: I am so sorry, Peter. You didn’t get any comfort from them afterward, did you?

P: I don’t remember, Christopher. I just remember being scared.

C: When I get in a conflict how do you feel?

P: I get scared again. Like bad things gonna happen. I just remember what I felt like and I don’t like it.

C: Do I feel different from your mommy and daddy?

P: Yeah.

C: Do you trust that I would talk to you about it afterward?

P: I think so.

C: I pinkie swear that I will talk with you about whatever happens so you feel better about it okay, Peter?

P: Okay. I believe you, Christopoopoo.

C: Good. That makes me happy, Peter. I will take care of you my little magical man.

P: I’m not a man, silly. Geez. You need your glasses fixed.

C: Hahaha! Okay, Peter. I love you.

P: I love you too, Christopoopoo. Hehehehe!

C: : ) You still with me, Simon?

S: Yep.

C: So I feel like this will be good to help you let go of a responsibility to care take Peter.

S: I do too.

C: I want to focus on the image of conflict, seeing how you are my self-image part.

S: Okay. I feel like in a conflict I am afraid of becoming like my father. Explosive. I can feel how that would scare Peter. Then that explosiveness would scare and hurt the other and that reminds me of my mother.

C: So there is a lot going on here in the trauma in both you and Peter. Do you feel that I would get explosive and hurtful?

S: No, not in the way my father did. I feel how I still hold a lot of anger toward both of them in the way they held themselves in conflict. There is just no healthy template.

C: What about Wayne and Jillian?

S: Yeah. That was good to be a part of. I could still feel some Peter fear that I was holding onto that was coming from a mom and dad projection. But feeling how Wayne still held love in his heart and Jillian not crumbling helped to feel how it can be different from my past experience.

C: Yes. That is the where we can be different. I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity. Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together. This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

S: I’ll say. I never felt the love in conflict before.

C: No you haven’t. At least not until Jillian and Wayne. It’s is going to mean you leaning into me, Simon, and trusting I can handle it. I can feel how you are eager to heal that fear so you can be more relational, less hidden.

S: Yeah. I do feel tired of sticking my head in the sand.

C: I feel like we just scratched the surface on this. I would like to continue this later with you. I want to spend time with Kathleen. Is that okay with you?

S: Yeah. I would like to get into this more as well.

C: Really? Don’t you have some budgeting to do?

S: Christopher….

C: Dishes to wash?

S: > : {

C: Errands to run?

S: Wise ass.

C: Love you…

S: : / Love you, too…

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