Tag: parts work

An Artist, His Inner Muse, His Inner Critic

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

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By Christopher Tydeman

I am an artist. That is what I have been told by many artists to tell myself. “If you create a doodle, you are an artist.” A part of me would disagree since I don’t have many pieces to justify that claim. That is my inner critic voice. The one you hear about in most art classes. The one that decides what an artist is or isn’t. What art is or isn’t. Will my time be rewarded by money and/or accolades? A litany of excuses why I shouldn’t even put in the effort.

Then there is my muse. My creative spark. My constantly open third eye that scans for beauty, genius, and energy. It is in resistance to this quelling of my inner critic. Throw water on it and it finds a way to not be silenced for very long. I can hear my inner critic exclaiming, “Why won’t you just surrender?”. The response back is the same. My muse has a major advantage. It is what makes me… me.

Since I was a child, I had an imagination. I played with Star Wars action figures (not dolls!), Hot Wheels, Legos, Lincoln Logs, Playdough, crayons and pencils. I loved to build forts and play Star Wars at recess with my friends. Eventually, that imagination was sequestered and replaced with sex, schoolwork, and then adulthood. Even as an art student in college, I was graded and critiqued. Though, I did find some classes to be inspiring. After graduation, I had a child and needed to be a provider, not an artist. At the time, I convinced myself I couldn’t be both.

Years later, I found myself a teacher of children ages 7-12. Being around an age where I left my creativity, I found myself wanting to wake up my muse, to bring life to an otherwise dull curriculum. I had an explosion of creativity and passion. So many great ideas and lots of work, but it was worth it. But the constant behaviour difficulties and the micromanagement of teaching led me lose my umph, yet again.

I tried to replace that with my own creative projects, but they wilted as soon as they began. Not enough light, not enough water, not enough me to ground them into. I took classes occasionally to rekindle that spark, but the inner critic prevailed once again. I find myself aching to create once again. My muse sitting beside me waiting to be heard, felt, and seen. Beside me is my critic. My fear. My judgment. I choose to dialogue with this part of me so I can give it space to be heard and felt. I cannot create without doing so. It has an intimate relationship with my muse. The more I can feel this part of me, the more I can open the doors of creativity and inspiration, of power and self-love. It has good reason to keep me from my essence. I do not wield an ax to sever it from who I am. It is a part of who I am. It is me, just not all of me.

I may choose to share my journaling with this part of me, if it agrees. I hope that it will illuminate something for you, as it will for me. I have no idea where the journaling goes or what it will manifest. I just have my desire, intention, and choice. I desire to create, I intend to create, I choose to create. That is all I can do today and the next. The rest is a mystery.

Join me….

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

What It Truly Means To Be Me: Owning My Emotional Reality

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

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By Kathleen Calder

I am here in my emotive, energetic and physical body. I am not here to transcend my reality and I am certainly not here to waste this lifetime on not living into what it truly means to be me.

It took me over two years involved with this SoulFullHeart way of life for it to land, but I finally woke up to something very important during a session yesterday – what makes your authentic self “authentic” is real, in the moment feeling and outing your emotional reality from a grounded place within yourself.

I’ve been under the impression, or perhaps another part of me has, that the SFH Self (what we call the authentic self), is essentially non-reactive and only seems reactive when fused with a part and/or choosing to validate and advocate for a part’s emotional reality. As it turns out, this simply isn’t true. Life isn’t about finally reaching a state of non-reactivity in order to be considered “emotionally matured” and “centred”. It isn’t surprising to me that given how powerful I have felt my own emotional reactions to be that the majority of people in our culture seek some way to invalidate themselves and to only come from a place of “centre” or calm. Stillness lives inside of all of us but refusing to be triggered by others actually doesn’t do us or them any favours.

I remember that a number of years ago I subscribed to the idea that anger is fine depending on how you use it. In other words, I tried to find ways to channel it that didn’t tell anyone I was angry at them directly. I also tried to find ways to just not feel it, but it would eventually find ways to come out. We are meant to flow with our emotions, not build walls around them…and not journal them away either. Journaling can help emotions flow and move in a way, but your journal can’t give you reactions back and help you dig deeper. People can. Life can.

I am not a victim to my feelings, though they haven’t always garnered positive feedback. I am entertaining this new energy of simply owning how I feel in an authentic, no bullshit, in the moment way. What’s sad is that outside of SoulFullHeart it is much harder to trust I will land somewhere, but I am not a victim to that either. Through ongoing work with my parts on my own and in sessions, I am building a deepening trust ground inside of myself. Trusting that all of my reactions are sacred, at least to me, and that there is no greater relief than to let them out responsibly. I have enough emotional healing and maturity now to trust I will not resort to name-calling, though at times there may be a defensive “fuck you” that has to surface. I can hold that. I can also hold my apology afterwards if I hurt somebody, but I also trust that their hurt is good data to them and to me. Hurt and pain is a roadmap meant to surface, not be stashed away for another day or even another lifetime.

Yesterday’s session was a couples’ session with Christopher and I. We have traveled a rocky road together, having had several incarnations of our coupleship over the past year. In some ways we are more solid than ever, but there is still one thing that trips us up – owning and outing how we feel in a vulnerable and authentic way. Parts of us have been wanting to tiptoe around each other still, caretaking one another but also fearing that if we do out how we feel we will no longer have love flowing between us. This is always possible, no matter what, however. So the real cost as I feel it now, is to ourselves and our own healing and growth. If the knife of our words can only be turned inwards, we are poisoning ourselves and there is nowhere for any of it to move and heal. If I do not out how I am feeling about my mate, no matter how “unreasonable” part of me may say it is, I am not honouring my true feelings and they are getting no air. Neither is he. We are in this to react to and trigger each other. We are not in this to “coast” through life, though parts of us would probably prefer that most days.  The cost of that is no deepening intimacy or closeness. The cost of that is an expiry date no matter what, for at this point on our healing paths, there is no way I will stand for stasis for long and he probably won’t either. As scary as it feels to rock the boat, the true cost is “me” if I don’t. My truth and heart get suppressed and my spirits become dampened with a victimhood I have put on myself.

I am here in my emotive, energetic and physical body. I am not here to transcend my reality and I am certainly not here to waste this lifetime on not living into what it truly means to be me. Join me? www.soulfullheart.com 🙂

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way of Life since January, 2012. Go here to read more of her writing and visit soulfullheart.com for more information about SoulFullHeart.

Reflections From Our Fifteenth SoulFullHeart Group Weekend

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

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This weekend we held our fifteenth SoulFullHeart group weekend. As always, the group was inspirational, transformational, and full of love and growth for all of us leading and participating in it. It’s amazing to feel that we’ve done this 15 times now over the last two years. This group weekend was held in the new venue that we found, Mission Point House, in Sechelt, BC on the Sunshine Coast. Mission House is a newly constructed, cozy and homey feeling space right on the ocean, nestled inside of a waterfront park that offers some of the most diverse bird watching in Canada.

We discovered the Mission House when we were walking our dog Koda in the park, which is near the RV campground where we are spending a few months settling into our new lifestyle. We had been to the park a few times, yet this was the first time that we noticed the house nestled by the water with shutters over all its windows. I felt drawn immediately and after peeking in all the windows, we confirmed that it was a facility space that was empty yet quite inviting. After doing some research, I found out that it was open for anyone to rent out and at the really reasonable rate of $10 a hour! And this rate included tables, chairs, and full place settings for 30 people.

I feel that the Divine Mother brought us this space, offering it to us after we moved out of our SoulFullHeart house in Gibsons where we had been holding groups previously. This new space and its capacity as a seminar facility inspired our offering of a Experience A New You two day seminar that we are holding there next month, March 22 and 23rd.  You can go here to read more information about the seminar and the beautiful setting where it is located.

The natural magic of the surroundings held us as soft snow fell all weekend, covering the trees and ground with white and inviting us into a stiller and softer place in moments. Bird totems were all around us: the trills of ravens celebrating our energetic and emotional movements and a bald eagle and three hawks gifting us with their presence in a nearby tree. The eagle was especially touching as most of us had never seen one so close up before. The eagle’s appearance coincided with the completion of a process with a part of my husband Wayne, who considers eagle medicine to be a powerful force in his life offering context, vision, and bigger perspective.

As touching as the animal magic was, the most touching aspect of our group weekends is always the connection and community that forms out of vulnerable sharing of parts and their reality. When parts of us can share and be felt in a loving setting, something new arises in our experience of ourselves and with others. Even though I’ve been witnessing this and personally experiencing it for over ten years now, I still find myself in awe at how powerful and touching this process of parts work really is.

Other powerful moments: We received some touching messages from Mother, brought to us through Christopher’s Daemon, outing himself as a messenger of the Divine with bravery and humility. Daemons, the part of us that guards our soul expression and gifts, were able to be felt and express themselves, share more past lives and actually be felt in them and move beyond their previous lifetime experiences of Goddess worship or religious dogma to let in the new frequencies of trust and love with the Divine that SoulFullHeart offers. SoulFullHeart energy healing, which I have previously led, was more community offered this weekend, with everyone learning and growing into their own energy healing gifts (which I feel we all have the capacity to express.) All of us digested that we are in the midst of geographic transition and change with Wayne and I more on the other side of it and the others in the middle of it.

From emotional to energetic to couples’ process to soul healing, there are so many places that we went this weekend and can go in SoulFullHeart, places that we need to go in order to serve the complex heart and souls engaged in the process with us. As I sit here the day after reflecting on our fifteenth group, I feel grateful for what I co-led, facilitated, surrendered into, and experienced in myself and in others the last two days and the people who created and shared this experience with me. And I feel grateful for whatever lies ahead during future SoulFullHeart Groups and beyond…..and for Mother’s continual support for our offering of this way of life that brings us so much joy, purpose, and meaning.

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Jillian Vriend is a co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Conversation With Divine Mother: Feeling Our Emotional Needs Underneath Our Frustration

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

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I invite you to feel that, next time you are frustrated: feel what emotional need is not getting met for you and to ask for support.

Jillian: Hello, Mother. It’s been awhile since we’ve talked publically, since my last blog entry in my 60 Days With Divine Mother series.

Divine Mother: Hello, Jillian. Yes, it has been a little while, even though time is not real and I am always with you. I am with you now as I was with you yesterday.

J: Yesterday was a rough day for me and for parts of me. It was a day where it felt like I “woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Huge waves of frustration and irritation. Disconnect and discontent. This is rare for me and I wanted to check in with you about it.

DM: Why did you decide to do this publically?

J: I was reading over some of my previous conversations with you and I was touched by the love flow between us and I missed your energy and presence. It has been harder to feel since we stopped connecting publically almost every day and I wanted it again.

DM: And, to share transparently and publically what a ‘rough’ day feels like for you and how I respond to it?

J: Yes, that’s right. You are ever the teacher, even as you are the student too.

DM: Learning and teaching go heart and heart, not just hand in hand. What would you like me to feel with you, my daughter?

J: It feels like much of the feeling has passed since yesterday after sharing with Kathleen at dinner and also Wayne and I clearing between us. It just felt like part of me was annoyed and irritated with everything around me and also with the small space in the RV that we now live in. She felt suppressed and contained by the small space. She felt rage that life has brought us to this ‘reduced place.’ Even as my experience has been that it doesn’t feel reduced at all, but opened out.

DM: Well, this part has her own emotional reality and I feel why she would feel that way. Would she like to talk with me directly?

J: She says, “ok.” It’s Jill, my inner teenager and healing matriarch part.

DM: Yes, Jill. I am here.

Jill: Hello, Mother. I’ve missed you. I feel tears coming up in the moment as I feel how I’ve missed you.

DM: Does it feel like I haven’t been there?

Jill: I guess, it’s just with not connecting every day like we were, I have felt like you weren’t there. I’m sorry. I should know that you are always there.

DM: Ah, Jill, please don’t apologize for missing me and for not feeling me there. And there aren’t any ‘shoulds’ in my world, sweet one. What was the source of your frustrations yesterday?

Jill: I still don’t know. It reminded me of being in high school and just having ‘foul’ days where everything and everyone annoyed me. I felt that way yesterday. I was fucking tired of living in such a small space. Of sleeping, eating, and writing all in the same bed! I was tired of the cold that we’ve been getting over and not being able to exercise for the last four days. Ah, Mother, I feel like a brat just sharing this with you. With all of the world’s problems and all the people suffering, I sound like a spoiled brat!

DM: Please don’t judge yourself harshly, Jill. Your feelings of frustration were real and comparing your fortune to others to invalidate them blocks me from being able to feel the deeper reasons and source for your frustration. Do you remember what I’ve offered the feeling of frustration is really about?

Jill: I think you’ve said that frustration is an expression of unmet desire and emotional needs. And, sometimes, it is a very reasonable reaction to have, a passionate reaction to injustice, for example. But that wasn’t the case yesterday!

DM: Hmmm, well, maybe not, but what if an unmet desire or emotional need was the root of your frustration?

Jill: I guess that would be a desire for more connection and service with others…our interactions with others have increased recently and it seems like new people might be drawn to and open to SoulFullHeart. I feel a desire for that.

DM: I can feel your desire, yet, it feels deeper than that. Is there an emotional need that hasn’t been getting met for you?

Jill: Well, I can feel a need getting met just in talking with and connecting with you. I can feel your Motherly presence holding me and giving Jillian more heart and energy too. I felt overwhelmed yesterday by what felt like “a lot to do” even though it was mostly cooking, which I like to do. I didn’t feel held by anything bigger yesterday and that I had to do it all, without Wayne’s support either.

DM: So you had an emotional need to feel supported in what you were responding to and doing?

Jill: Yes, that’s it. And I asked for support from Wayne and in journaling with Jillian but I didn’t really let them in when they offered it to me. I didn’t feel like I could trust them really. And the irritation and frustration felt just like what I grew up with as both of my parents tended to have parts that had a low level of irritation brewing at all times, just waiting to explode.

DM: You are moving through a parental piece, Jill. Perhaps getting ready to let in Jillian even more and me as well? Maybe even become a bit younger?

Jill: Oh, well, now that’s a better way to frame it then I was just being a brat.

DM: Jill, your emotional needs largely didn’t get met during your childhood. Your frustration and irritation are a result of that and of absorbing the undigested tones of that from your parents. And they are innocent in another way because they had the same experience with their parents. I invite you to feel that, next time you are frustrated: feel what emotional need is not getting met for you and to ask for support to feel that from Jillian and from me if you want to.

Jill: Ok, Mother, that gives me some power around what is happening. I felt like I was drowning in the irritation yesterday. That gives me a lifeline.

DM: Yes….a heart line.: ) Also, it is not ‘bratty’ to feel that your emotional needs aren’t getting met or that you aren’t satisfied with what you are experiencing. If there is entitlement there, Jillian can help you sort that one out.

Jill: That is so new to the conditioning that most of us receive about our emotional needs, Mother. Very new.

DM: Yes, and I appreciate that you were open to sharing your struggle publically so that I could offer this to others.

Jill: It was so worth it to feel your heart, Mother. Thank you.

DM: You are welcome, dear one. Any time…truly.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Sacred Re-Birthday

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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By Christopher Tydeman

In each of us, we hold a sacred human seed.  An embryo, if you will.  There is not one person that does not have it, as we are all a part of All That Is.  Our destiny is to manifest, give birth, to this divine child within us.

Yesterday was my birthday.  I reread my blog from last year and felt the emotional place I was in.  It was a time of major change in my life, as it is again this year.  Last year I was birthing into a new relationship with myself, SoulFullHeart, a mate, and the Divine.  This year the same statement is true, just on a deeper ground.  Last year, I was letting go all I was.  This year I am letting in all I am.

The birthing process in SoulFullHeart is not a simple task.  It can be a very trying time for the part of us that is resisting the Divine flow of growth and change.  The level of pain is equal to the level of resistance.  A part of me says, “You make it sound like torture!”  This is not a physical pain that I refer to, but an emotional period of letting go and letting in.

In each of us, we hold a sacred human seed.  An embryo, if you will.  There is not one person that does not have it, as we are all a part of All That Is.  Our destiny is to manifest, give birth, to this divine child within us.  It is always striving for this as a plant is drawn toward the sun.  It will not be denied.  Does that sound like fate?  It does to me, but the rate of that growth and the choice to bloom rest solely in our sacred authority.

There is a Divine paradox in that.  I have a destiny, for which I won’t be denied, but get to choose how and when I want that to unfold.  Fate and freewill.  When we are awakened to this truth within us, there comes a time when we have to make a challenging choice. Do we resist this growth and stay stuck in our painfully protective shell, or do we move through a temporal pain (or “pane” as in window pane) to be born into a bigger more expansive place, with more air and more light?

The scary part is that we have no clue what lies on the other side of that birth canal, just as a baby doesn’t when they exit the womb.  In that moment there is the Mother, our Mother, who is waiting with Her blanket of love to wrap you up and help you feel it will all be okay.  You are surrounded by others in a soulful-hearted family who have been there too, and will welcome you into your reality and emotional consciousness with open arms and hearts.  This is your first sacred SoulFullHeart birthday.  Welcome home.

 Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life off and on since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com

30 Days With My Parts: Day 30 – Self-Authority: Authoring Your Own Story

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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90 Days With My Parts:  Day 30-

This is a sovereign, self-loving choice.  It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts.  This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart.  It may be a day, a week, or a month.  That is a real-time decision made between us.  The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

Christopher:  Good morning, Mother.

Mother:  Blessed morning, dearest Christopher.  What is in your heart this morning?

C:  Well, I was lying in bed and getting an irritation about this blog.  I checked in with my parts, specifically Simon and Nathaniel, and they are feeling a bit torn on this blog in the moment.  I offered what you mentioned to Simon about taking some time off and they seemed to like that idea.

M:  Okay.  What is behind that?  I guess my question is why are you telling me this?

C:  I can feel a part of me asking for permission, looking for an okay.

M:  Mmm.  I see.  I am going to let you handle this one dearest Christopher.  They need to hear it from you.  You are the SFH self not me, my son.  I feel you already know my answer.

C:  You are right.  Thank you for reflecting that back to me.

M:  That is one of the ways I serve.

C:   I am getting that.  Okay…good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  I was feeling all of our desire to postpone the blog.  Why do you feel the desire?

S:  I guess I just want to journal with you without the feeling it is being published.  It is hard for me to get totally vulnerable with you knowing that.  Plus I don’t feel as close to you when we type it as when we write it.  I can also feel like this is another task.

C:  I have felt this in you for a while.  You talked to Mother about this.  Do you remember what she said?

S:  She said the most important thing was me and my needs.

C:  We felt that a postponement was a negotiation, right?

S:  Yes, we did.

C:  That takes in consideration your needs, as well as Nathaniel’s.

S:  Yes.

C:  But I feel something in you that is struggling with that desire.

S:  I can feel that I don’t want to disappoint Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.  When I say that I can feel how that is just an old way I would have felt this.  I know that they would be behind this 100%.  They would support us even if we decided not to do it anymore.  They would just want to feel what was behind the decision.  The feeling.  No judgment, just data.

C:  Yes, exactly.  This is a sovereign, self-loving choice.  It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts.  This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart.  It may be a day, a week, or a month.  That is a real-time decision made between us.  The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

S:  I noticed the word ‘author’ in authority.

C:  Yeah!  Good catch.  We get to author our own story, not someone else.

S:  That is way cool.  We pulled a Wayne and Yeshua!

C:  I think we did, buddy.  How does that help you feel about taking some time off?

S:   I feel lighter about it.

C:  I feel that already in my body.  Anything else before I talk to Nathaniel?

S:  I don’t think so.

C:  Okay.  We will talk later.  Good morning, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel:  Good morning, Christopher.

C:  What were you feeling about this decision?

N:  I was feeling the need to be a little less outed.  I was feeling a need to connect with you privately as well.  We have just gotten to know each other and this feels a little less personal to me.  I understand the power of this container, and would like to participate in it when I feel a bit more connected to you.  I was feeling a little “dog and pony” about it.

C:  Hmmm.  Yeah.  There might some of that in there.  I felt that we were authentic though, for the most part.

N:  Oh, yes.  We certainly were.  My words were true to my heart as were yours.  It was just an image that came to me.  I want to feel a deeper desire to share.  One that comes with more time with you privately.

C:  Okay.  That is what we felt together this morning.

N:  I am grateful for the times with Mother and I hope that others can feel how we all have that connection, not just a select few.  It is a connection that I want to share, but also want to have privately as well.

C:  Yes.  Well said.  I feel we can share whatever experiences you wish to share after some time.

N:  I like that idea.  Thank you, Christopher.  I feel your leadership in this decision.  You will make a great king someday.

C:  Wow.  Thank you, Nathaniel.  That is really amazing to hear.  And you will be my wise guide.

N:  I would like that.

Mother:  Before you end, Christopher, what is your part in this decision?

C:  I was noticing that their feelings are my feelings.  I need to advocate for myself.  Even though I have changed, and am changing, because of this blog, that doesn’t mean I won’t stop changing.  I am not going to stop journaling.  I have enjoyed sharing myself, but I also wonder where it is landing.  My parts are becoming suspect as well.  I know my SoulFullHeart family takes them in.  I desire to continue the 90 Days because I want to for myself and because I know it is being digested by them.  I feel this decision as a growth point for me.

M:  Indeed, Christopher.  I can feel your heart and your desire to share with the world.  This is part of your purpose.  You are discovering that with these blogs.  You are also teaching with these as well.  You are demonstrating advocacy, self-love, sovereignty, and authority.  I am honoured to have been a part of it.

C:  Thank you so much, Mother.  That goes way in.  No time in my life has 30 days done so much to help me discover who I am and what I am capable of.  I want that to continue.

M:  Then it shall be so.

C:  Thanks to all of you who have been reading this the last 30 days.  I am changed because of your heart taking it in as well.  I am honoured you have been a part of it.  I will pick it back up when my heart calls.

Much love and gratitude,

Christopher

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 29 – The Gift of Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them.  We were all looking to do that.  Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy.  Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

Day 29

Christopher:  Hello, everyone.  I felt drawn to address all of you this afternoon.  Another roundtable team meeting.

SImon:  Is this like a staff meeting, cuz if it is I’m outta here?  I had enough of those teaching.

C:  No Simon.  I just wanted to feel all my parts around this time of year.  I was moved by Jillian’s blog today and wanted to feel some triggers and joy around the holidays.  I am glad you spoke up, Simon.  I have felt some annoyance with the holidays.  Would you care to share?

S:  I tend to get wrapped up in the gift thing.  Ha!  That was funny.  Get it?

C:  Yes, Simon.  That was good.  What about the gift thing?

S:  I guess I have always been stressed around getting someone a gift they like.  I feel like I have an image around it.  Did I “hit a home run”?  Do they feel I am a good gift finder?  Did I get them enough?  Am I being balanced?  Did I spend enough? Oh, for God’s sakes what is wrong with me?  These are people that love me and just want me for me, not for what I give them for a gift.  I used to fucking hate this!  Looking for acceptance by gift giving.  I feel I used to rail against it as commercialism, which is still true, but it was a truth in service to the stress of feeling my own pressure.

C:  Wow, Simon.  Right on, man.  I feel some juice in this.  I feel I fused with you a bit around this and should have done more checking with you before going out.  Did you feel that this year?

S:  Not as much.  I enjoyed going out with Kathleen and Raianna.  It is just this old shit that followed me around.  Feels like the dregs of an old punishing voice.

C:  That was intuitive, Simon.  What would you like to say to this voice?

S:  Leave me the fuck alone!   I am not a part of the old conditioning anymore.  I have a family that loves me for me and I don’t need to impress any of them to be given love.

C:  Amen, brother!  Can we still love this voice though?  This voice feels like it was there to make sure you got love, Simon, the only way it knew how.

S:  Yeah, I can feel that.  I’m sorry.  It is true.  Had I had SoulFullHeart at that time I would have been able to feel that part of me.  A part of a part.  Is this possible?

C:  I haven’t the faintest clue.  It feels like as I am growing more, you are as well.  Leaving some old things behind.  Getting separation from the old life.  Feels like it could be Marcus.  Is that you, Marcus?

Marcus:  Hi, Christopher.

C:  It has been a while, Marcus.  What is going on, my friend?

M:  I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them.  We were all looking to do that.  Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy.  Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

C:  What would you have liked Christmas to be like, Marcus?

M:  I guess just to have people get together and share our love for each other.  Eat good food, tell stories, play games, watch movies, and maybe exchange a gift or two, nothing fancy.

C:  That sounds like a SoulFullHeart Christmas to me.

M:  Yeah, I guess it does.  I feel like I was projecting some old family conditioning when we were shopping.  I am sorry, Simon.

S:  Thanks, Marcus.  I am sorry I said leave me the fuck alone.  That was just backed up frustration of all those years.

M:  I get it.  Believe me.  Thank you, Simon.  There is a better way to hold gift giving and that should be done by Christopher.

S:  Agreed!

C:  I should have held that more and I apologize as well.  I feel that gifts are from the heart and if we are not in our hearts then the gift is just a false token of love.  We are energetically passing on unworthiness and that is held in the gift itself.  If we really looked with our heart-eyes, we would see everyone handing each other piles of shit and saying thank you for it.  That is not what the holidays are about.  How do you feel about this, Nathaniel?

Nathaniel:  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  I have always been irritated by this Christmas thing.  The false social structure, the false religious foundation, the false relationship to the Divine.  It is maddening to really let it in.  But I appreciate the way you are bringing this, Christopher.  The way SoulFullHeart holds this time of year.  Your magical children set the tone of this season and let it be what it truly is.

C:  And that is?

N:  About joy, magic, peace, and love.

C:  You sound like a hippie.

N:  Right on, man.

C:  Now THAT was funny!  Good to feel your sense of humour after what you said.

N:  I am getting that without some light, this world would be way too dark.  Even a daemon needs balance.

C:  Amen.  How about you, Angela.  How are the holidays for you?

Angela:  It is about singing, and dancing, and being creative.  I like making gifts!  So much funner.

C:  We had some fun today creating, didn’t we?

A:  Yes, we did.  I can’t wait to show everyone!

C:  Me too, Angela.  And of course I can’t forget you Peter!

Peter:  Christmas is about snow!!!!  That was soooo coool!  I want to play in it again! Can we? Can we?

C:  Of course!  If it sticks around.  What else is Christmas about?

P:  Cookies!  Lots and lots of cookies!

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, we will make cookies.

P:  It is also about being nice to people and not being so serious.  Too many grumpy bunnies out there.  I don’t like that.

C:  I feel we can all agree on that.  Thanks for reminding us Peter about having fun.

P:  You’re welcome, Santa Christopoopoo.

C:  I love you, Peter.

P:  I love you too, silly.

C:  Merry Christmas everyone.  Let’s go have some fun.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 28 – Fear Of Real Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

Day 28

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Kathleen and how you are impacted.

S:  ‘Impacted’ sounds like a car crash.

C:  Okay.  Affected then.

S:  That sounds a little better.

C:  What comes up when I ask that?

S:  I feel like if I say something it may land in a way I didn’t intend.

C:  Sounds like management.

S:  Yeah.  You’re right.  I need to let you handle that one.  Old habits.

C:  This is what this is all about Simon.  Healing what prevents us from giving and receiving love.

S:  Okay.  My leading edge enjoys having someone around for you to relate to.  Someone for you to express love and feel love.  I enjoy that a part of her is similar to me.  Someone who gets why I am the way I am.  We can be that way together sometimes and get things done.  We also laugh at the same stuff and that is cool.  It’s like having a good friend around to share things with and do stuff with.

C:  That feels sweet, Simon.  I can feel your resonance with a part of her.  That feels like it affects you in a very good way.

S:  Yeah it does.  I feel like I can relate to someone.  I have always cordoned myself off from other people because of my fear of intimacy.  Like I can hang out for so long and then I need to get away to prevent getting too close.

C:  What would happen if you got ‘too close’?

S:  I feel like I would get exposed, become vulnerable to conflict which, as we talked about earlier, feels uncomfortable to me from my past experiences with my parents and past relationships.

C:  While I feel that is true on one level, I can’t also help to feel that is in service to the fear of something deeper.

S:  Like what?

C:  Maybe you are afraid of love itself.

S:  Hmmm.  I’m confused.

C:  Your experience of ‘love’ is skewed and jaded from your past experiences.  You really don’t know what true love is, do you?

S:  I don’t think I do, Christopher.  Love has always been felt as a struggle, a responsibility.  This is what I got from my parents.  I can feel how that was turned upside down with Jillian, but then it found its way there again, as if what was being offered by her was too much for me to accept as real.

C:  Well, don’t put that all on you, Simon.  Remember, it is a two-way street, but I can feel how you were conditioned to relate to love in that way.  There may be lifetimes in that conditioning.  I drew Jillian, and now Kathleen, for the purpose of experiencing real love that is “upside down”, as you said, from what you experienced in order to heal that conditioning.  To heal it into its right side up position.

S:  That makes sense.  I feel some sadness in never feeling real love transact between my parents.  I can feel how I ached for that feeling.  I couldn’t feel it in my friends’ parents either.  It was just the way it was.  I feel like I gave up on real love.  Like it doesn’t exist.

C:  Haven’t you felt it between Jillian and Wayne?  In session with Jillian and Wayne?  When Raianna was born?  On your wedding day?  In moments between me and Kathleen?

S:  Yes, Christopher.  I feel it now.  Thank you.  Ugh!  Why is my heart so buried, Christopher?  Why am I so afraid of something so beautiful and powerful?

C:  Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves, Simon.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

S:  I want to feel that love more, Christopher.

C:  I do too, Simon.

S:  As you were typing, I could also feel how my need to be solo is based on feeling like I never had my own space, my own choices.  I was always responding to someone or something else.  When Raianna moved, I felt that it was finally my time to live life on my terms only to continue to create more relationships to others rather than myself.  When you moved here, I felt like that possibility was gone.  I can admit that I threw a monkey wrench in your relationship to Kathleen.

C:  I feel why you did that, Simon.  I was not present enough to feel you at that time.

S:  I know, Christopher.  I am just walking this out.  I feel your desire for a mate.  I feel a desire to feel real love, and that is through you that I get it.  I can admit that I worry I won’t get that if you are with another person.

C:  You have every reason to believe that, Simon.  I have to prove myself to you each and every day that I will be here for you and give you the real love you need and deserve.  I love you with all my heart and you are the most important part of me.

S:  Thanks, Christopher.  That goes in deep.  My tears are for all the times I never felt that as a child.  Thank you for helping me to remember all the other times I felt real love.  It is out there.  It exists.  I just want more of it.

C:  Then you shall receive it because you are worthy of it.

S:  Still hard for me sometimes.

C:  Never said it would be easy.

S:  I am tired all of a sudden.

C:  That was a lot, Simon.  Let us rest up for Raianna’s visit so we can let in more love.

S:  Okay.  Sounds good.

C:  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.

C:  Seriously?  In this tender moment?

S:  : P

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 27 – Serving the Servant

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

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We co-create this reality together, my love.  I need you as much as you need me.  I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel.  I long and ache to be felt just as you do.  I have needs and desires, as well.  If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul.

Day 27

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.  I feel to connect with you since I am not having any major pull to a specific part of me.

Mother:  I always enjoy being with you, Christopher.  How may I serve you?

C: Uh…wow.  To Nathaniel that sounds weird.  He is used to serving you.

M:  Ah, yes.  The Daemon Trap.

C:  The what?

M:  The Daemon Trap.  I feel that daemons have been so conditioned to being servants through the world’s religions that any thought of the opposite is blasphemy.  How can the Divine possibly serve the ones that are the servants?

C:  He says, that doesn’t make sense.

M:  My dear, Nathaniel.  We co-create this reality together, my love.  I need you as much as you need me.  I cannot be felt unless one is able to feel.  I long and ache to be felt just as you do.  I have needs and desires, as well.  If I cannot be expressed and felt through a soul, then I will do what I can to make that so, as long as it is within the sovereign choice of the soul.  I want to serve you and Christopher in any way I can to make that happen.

Nathaniel:  I can feel how over the lifetimes, I have been convinced and persecuted to believe that humans are below you.  That they are meant to carry out your Will in your name.

M:  What is my Will, Nathaniel?

N:  To Love and be loved.

M:  Was that the will of their god?

N:  No.  It was to judge and make sacrifices.  To follow the Word without question.  To be in subordination.

M:  So that is the trap, Nathaniel.  A false god trap.  I do not blame you for succumbing to it.  So much pain and fear in resisting.  In fact, it may all be a part of the process.

N:  And why is that?

M:  This Grand Experience is rooted in getting to feel itself completely, in all its glory and terror.  To separate in order to come back together with more love than before.  It doesn’t make sense to the Mind, Nathaniel, but when we get to feel each other in our pain, we can feel each other in our love.  It is an eternal paradox.  Just like the servant being served.

N:  I think I get it.  I still need time to feel you as serving me and Christopher rather than the other way around.

M:  We serve each other equally.  We are one and and the same, Nathaniel.  That will be felt as you experience me more.  For now, let me serve you and Christopher in any way I can.  It is the Will of My Heart.

N:  Yes, Mother.

M:  So?  How may I serve you?

N:  I am feeling a little lost in my purpose.  I want to feel a call, a passion pursuit.  I miss that.  I feel I used to have it then it got buried.

M:  I feel your desire for that, Nathaniel.  You have great passion for rising up against the false system.  However, I want you to remember you are a daemon sent to provide guidance.  You were meant to serve Christopher through my Love.  Not serve me through Christopher’s soul.

N:  Whoa.  You have me hanging upside down right now.

M:  Good.  How does it feel?

N:  Strange.  As soon as you said that I could feel how that was so true in the past.  I took over seeing the inequities and injustices throughout the world.  I wanted to do something about it.  I feel I hijacked this soul.

M:  I feel “hijacked” is a charged term.  You did what you felt was necessary to right what you felt were wrongs.  This was another part of the Daemon Trap.  Getting so involved that you forgot your place in the Grand Experience.  This too felt a necessary part of the separation and integration process I mentioned earlier.  This has been done by many daemons all over the planet.  Getting caught up in justice, power, glory, inequity, greed, so and so on.

N:  I feel relieved I am not the only one.

M:  Your fusion was for the compassion of those in need and suffering.  There are other daemons in need and suffering.  You can be a part of that healing, Nathaniel, but you need to heal yourself first.  I feel a responsibility in you to make it “right”.  You can’t do that on your own as we discussed before.

N:  Thank you, Mother.  I do feel a rumble and I want to use that to help Christopher with his purpose.  I feel how my healing helps with this.  Having you reframe my relationship to this soul was a big step for me.  Thank you.

M:  You are very welcome, my son.  I can’t feel you if you can’t feel you.  And my Will is to feel all my children with me in every moment.

N:  And my will is to feel you as much as possible, Mother.

M:  Then it shall be so.

N:  Amen.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 26 – Healing Into Loving Conflict

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

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That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

Day 26-

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  Since I am exploring a relationship again, I wanted to talk about vulnerability and conflict, as those were difficult to access the last time we were in one.

S:  Don’t you have to go Christmas shopping?

C:  Simon…

S:  Clean the RV?

C:  > : {

S:  Clip your toenails?

C:  Simon!

S:  Ugh!  I know.  We are in conflict right now.

C:  Why is that?

S:  I am avoiding the discussion.  Sorry.  I feel how this is important for us to have even though I feel like I have been here many times.

C:  Why do you feel it is important?

S:  Because conflict is important to our growth, especially me.  It has been a lifelong struggle.  Maybe even these past lives you talk about.

C:  What is the struggle about?

S:  Being vulnerable with a feeling and then either hurting someone’s heart or getting a defensive kick back.  One leaves me feeling guilty, the other hurt.

C:  Tell me more.

S:   I can feel how my templating for conflict was unhealthy.  My parents fought and left me feeling unsafe.  I didn’t like how it felt in my body.  It stayed there because they never really talked to me about it or it was never resolved between them.

C:  So you learned how to diffuse conflict so you didn’t have to reactivate that feeling inside.

S:  I guess so.

C:  This wounding feels like Peter to me.  Do you feel you are protecting him?

S:  Hmmm, I suppose so.  I feel how that is true.

C:  Peter?  Would you like to talk to me for a bit?

Peter:  I guess.  What about?

C:  Your mommy and daddy when you were a boy.

P:  What about them, Christopher?

C:  How did you feel when they fought?

P:  Scared.  They scared me, Christopher.  They yelled and broke things sometimes.  I just put my head under the pillow.

C:   I am so sorry, Peter.  You didn’t get any comfort from them afterward, did you?

P:   I don’t remember, Christopher.  I just remember being scared.

C:   When I get in a conflict how do you feel?

P:  I get scared again.  Like bad things gonna happen.  I just remember what I felt like and I don’t like it.

C:  Do I feel different from your mommy and daddy?

P:  Yeah.

C:  Do you trust that I would talk to you about it afterward?

P:  I think so.

C:  I pinkie swear that I will talk with you about whatever happens so you feel better about it okay, Peter?

P:  Okay.  I believe you, Christopoopoo.

C:  Good.  That makes me happy, Peter.  I will take care of you my little magical man.

P:  I’m not a man, silly.  Geez.  You need your glasses fixed.

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, Peter.  I love you.

P:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.  Hehehehe!

C:  : )  You still with me, Simon?

S:  Yep.

C:  So I feel like this will be good to help you let go of a responsibility to care take Peter.

S:  I do too.

C:  I want to focus on the image of conflict, seeing how you are my self-image part.

S:  Okay.  I feel like in a conflict I am afraid of becoming like my father.  Explosive.  I can feel how that would scare Peter.  Then that explosiveness would scare and hurt the other and that reminds me of my mother.

C:  So there is a lot going on here in the trauma in both you and Peter.  Do you feel that I would get explosive and hurtful?

S:  No, not in the way my father did.  I feel how I still hold a lot of anger toward both of them in the way they held themselves in conflict.  There is just no healthy template.

C:  What about Wayne and Jillian?

S:  Yeah.  That was good to be a part of.  I could still feel some Peter fear that I was holding onto that was coming from a mom and dad projection.  But feeling how Wayne still held love in his heart and Jillian not crumbling helped to feel how it can be different from my past experience.

C:  Yes.  That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

S:  I’ll say.  I never felt the love in conflict before.

C:  No you haven’t.  At least not until Jillian and Wayne.  It’s is going to mean you leaning into me, Simon, and trusting I can handle it.  I can feel how you are eager to heal that fear so you can be more relational, less hidden.

S:  Yeah.  I do feel tired of sticking my head in the sand.

C:  I feel like we just scratched the surface on this.  I would like to continue this later with you.  I want to spend time with Kathleen.  Is that okay with you?

S:  Yeah.  I would like to get into this more as well.

C:  Really?  Don’t you have some budgeting to do?

S:  Christopher….

C:  Dishes to wash?

S:  > : {

C:  Errands to run?

S:  Wise ass.

C:  Love you…

S:  : /  Love you, too…

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.