Tag: parts work

30 Days With My Parts: Day 5 – The Princess Arrives

Published on by Gabriel Heartman3 Comments

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Day 5

After getting the okay from my daemon-soul guardian, Nathaniel, I began the initial journaling questions with my feminine part, Angela. But first I had to wake her up.  Some questions may have been omitted due to a negotiation with my self-image part, Simon.

Christopher:  Okay, Nathaniel.  How are you feeling about waking Angela up?

Nathaniel:  I feel ready, but nervous.

C:  Of course.

N:  You feel like a man on a mission.

C:  Lol!  Yeah.  I certainly am.  Okay, here it goes.

We both lift the glass container and set it to the ground.  Angela is a beautiful young woman.  She looks to be in her mid twenties. She has long, curly red hair.  She has stunning green-brown eyes.  Her clothes are somewhat masculine but worn with a feminine flair.  A long sleeved renaissance type shirt, riding pants, and boots.  There is a bow and quiver tucked to her side.  I lean down and kiss her on her forehead.

Angela (waking):  Who are you?

C:  I am Christopher.  You are a part of me.

I help her up to a seated position.  She looks around in bewilderment.

A (she notices Nathaniel):  Nathaniel!

She gives him a huge hug.

C:  You remember him?

A:  Yes, of course.  He was my protector when you weren’t around.

N:  Are you upset with me Angela for putting you here?

A:  No, Nathaniel.  I was getting weary of all the attacks.  Thank you for guarding me.  I know you were doing what you felt like you had to do.

N:  You aren’t the least bit upset?

A:  Well, I wasn’t chained up and left for starving.  I can feel love in your actions.

N:  Well, that has yet to be revealed, Angela.  My motives may be less than admirable, but I do feel there was heart in my actions.

A:  Well, whatever those motives were, I feel like I could forgive them.  If I am put away again, however, I will not be happy.

N:  Of course.

C:  I would not be happy either.

A:  So, you are my Christopher.  My Prince Charming.  My knight in shining armour.

C:  Uh…I am he. I am not sure about Prince Charming, but I do admit I like the sound of it.

A:  We have some getting to know each other.

C:  Yes, we do.  Do you feel up to it?

A:  I have been asleep for a while, I think I am rested enough to answer some questions. : )

C:  Wow.  Okay.  What did your world look like before coming here?

A:  I lived in a room with lots of dolls and a doll house.  I had a ton of stuffed animals.

C:  That sounds magical.

A:  Oh, yes.  I used to write a lot of stories about princes and princesses.  Must be why I love the TV show Once Upon A Time.

C:  I would love to hear one of those stories sometime.

A:  Maybe. We’ll see.

C:  How old are you?

A:  25

C:  What part of my body do you relate to?

A:  I feel myself in your heart.

C:  How do you feel about my mother?

A:  I feel sad and angry.  I am sad because she feels stuck in a man’s world.  She feels like a prisoner.  But I am angry for the same reason.  It is self-imposed.  She has given up her soul for security, her feminine for masculine “safety”.

C:  How do you feel about my father?

A:  There is a part of him that is scary and rough.  Not tender.  The way he talked about women in your youth hurt me and angered me.  His anger was frightening.  But there is also this gentle giant part of him that was kind and thoughtful.  I wish that part was out more as a child.

C:  You and Simon both.  What about the relationship between my parents?

A:  It was messy and hard to be around.  So much angst and anxiety.  Not much true love in the air, if at all.  I can feel true love and that wasn’t it.  They weren’t vulnerable enough except at the end when they divorced.  Their current relationships feel stuck. Unmovable.  Lack of passion and desire.  I cannot be around that.

C:  How do you feel about my former romantic partner?

A:  She reminds me of me, in a way.  She has a fire in her belly and a longing to be loved.  She had a lot of angst that blocked her true feminine but she feels to be balancing that out.  I love her new found independence.  “You go girl!”.  And I don’t mean that in a feminist way.  I like feeling women with ownership of their lives.  It’s hot and sexy.  I can say that cuz I’m a girl and you’re not. : P

C:  Hahahaha!  You’re a hoot, Angela.

A:  Awww…thanks, Charming.  : )

C:  Okay, now I am blushing.

A:  You’re cute.

C:  Thanks.  May I continue?

A:  Fine.  Go ahead, Christopoopoo.

C:  I am never going to live that down.  Thanks, Peter.

A:  You leave him alone, mister!  I love that boy.

C:  I do too.  So, who do you like most in my life and why?

A:  I like all of your SoulFullHeart family!  Jillian is real, strong, and pretty.  I love Aurora!  Wayne is tender and handsome.  Marvin is totally funny and cute.  Kathleen is resilient and pretty.   She is like a sister.  Raianna is fun, goofy, and pretty.  Everyone has a great heart.

C:  Who do you like least in my life and why?

A:  Well, currently nobody.  I would have to say that before you came here there were members of your family that had overly masculine energy that was controlling and angsty.  I did not like being around that.  There were tender sides but they were pushed down by this other part.

C:  What is your favorite food?

A:  Hmmm.  Good question.  I like soup in the winter.  I love the way it makes me feel inside.  In the summer, I like crunchy salads.  Of course, every girl loves chocolate!  Hint, hint. ; )

C:  Okay, Angela.  We can get some today.  What is your favorite music?

A:  I like Alanis, Avril, and Kelly.  Oh!  And Loreena too!  I am sure there is more but you don’t have much else on your iPod, goof.

C:  Guess we have some music searching to do, eh?

A:  I love music.

C:  What else do you like?

A:  I like art, dancing around, writing stories, and puppies!  I also like walking on the beach holding someone’s hand.

C:  You are a romantic!

A:  Of course I am, knucklehead.  I’m  a girl!

C:  Right.  There’s the fire.

A:  : )

C:  What are you afraid of?

A:  I am afraid of never finding true love.  I am afraid of being attacked by a man.  I am afraid of snakes.

C:  That feels very past life.

A:  Hmmm…

C:  What is your biggest despair over?

A:  Not feeling able to express myself or be myself.  To be felt for who I am in my essence.

C:  What is your biggest desire?

A:  To be seen and felt for who I am.  A beautiful, passionate, and compassionate being.

C:  How do you feel about God?

A:  I love the Mother!  She is beautiful and amazing. I have bad memories of the Father God.  The way others used violence in His name.  I feel like I was one of those that was attacked for being different.

C:  We can feel into that more.

A:  I feel like that would be better for later.  I just like doing this with you.

C:  Okay.  This question is still heavy….how do you feel about dying?

A:  Geez!  You guys really get to the bone.  Um…I am scared of dying in pain.  Dying peacefully feels okay.  I feel the Mother would be there on the other side.  With a plate of chocolates!

C:  Of course!  When you are feeling bad, how do you cope?

A:  I like to write, cry on the couch or bed, sometimes sleep.  Ironic, I know.

C:  When you are scared, what makes you feel safer?

A:  Talking to Mother.

C:  What do you do when you feel lonely?

A:  Talk to Mother, go for a walk, cry.  I like to watch movies too.

C:  How do you feel about meeting Jillian and Wayne?

A:  I am very excited!  I have been wanting to for a while.  I feel like I would be a celebrity since they have been waiting for me for a while.

C:  They are excited to meet you!  As well as Kathleen.  You should meet them this weekend.

A:  Yay!  Can Nathaniel come?

C:  Of course he is.  He will always be there.  He has a relationship with them too.

A:  Cool.  Well, ironically, I am feeling tired.

C:  This was a lot.

A:  Talk later, my prince?

C:  You bet, Angela.  It was a pleasure to get to know you.

A:  Awww…yep, he’s a keeper.

C:  Lol!  Thanks, Angela.  As if I was going anywhere.

A:  Let that in, mister!

C:  I did!  Honestly!

A:  Good.  : )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 4 – Duty To Serve Part 2

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

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Day 4

Today I will be sharing some journaling that happened after my initial conversation with Nathaniel, my daemon. I complied sections of conversations we had over the course of a week.

 Christopher: Good morning, Nathaniel. I was hoping we could talk some more.

 Nathaniel: What about?

 C: You.

 N: What about me?

 C: Yesterday you mentioned your loyalty to protecting the feminine. Did you accept this or were you assigned?

 N: I was given this role.

 C: How do you feel about that?

 N: Sometimes you do what you are told.

 C: You are not upset?

 N: I was not thrilled to leave, but duty is duty.

 C: There doesn’t feel like much passion or compassion around duty.

 N: What are you trying to get at, Christopher? I am not much for riddles.

 C: Okay. I don’t feel your heart, Nathaniel. There is something you are holding that is real and wants to express.

 N: I feel angry, Christopher! Is that what you want to hear? I don’t like being here but I am bound.

 C: I can feel why you would feel anger, Nathaniel. I am sorry you feel like you have to be here.

 N: Thank you. I don’t like feeling angry because then it feels like I am angry with Divine Mother, and I don’t want to be.

 C: I am sure she can handle it, Nathaniel. She can because it is real.

 N: I have asked many times ‘why this’?

 C: Maybe there is something here for you.

 N: Maybe. I do feel entitled sometimes. Like I deserve more. I know Mother is humbling me but I haven’t gotten there yet. I feel disconnected from her. I can feel Her here, but I haven’t spoken directly to her.

 C: Why do you feel that is?

 N: I feel I have been busy on guard.

 C: Earlier you said you were angry. Do you feel resentment towards Her?

 N: I don’t like to feel anything negative toward Her. I am Her servant, not Her judge.

C: I wasn’t inferring you would judge Her. Just to out what is real for you. You know She loves you. You love Her. She wants you to be real, Nathaniel.

N: I don’t know. I need to be with that. I am feeling this is a good-bye.

C: I know it is hard, Nathaniel. I will honour what you desire. But I really would like to stay….

I feel Mother wanting to say something through me but She wants your permission.

N: Okay.

Divine Mother: My noble and dearest, Nathaniel. I have not left you, my son. You know you have always been with me. I feel we have not communed due to a closing of your heart, my love. I do not judge thee, Nathaniel. I feel how you would be upset with me. I am okay with you telling me so. In truth, I need you too, for it is your heart song, your pain giving birth, Nathaniel.

N: It is hard for me, Mother. There is something blocking me from feeling you. I hear your words in my head but I am not feeling them in my heart. Have I grown so cold and bitter that I have lost my heart?

DM: That is not possible, Nathaniel. You know this. You have spent so long looking out you have just forgotten what it was like to look within.

N: I miss feeling you, Mother.

DM: I miss feeling you, Nathaniel. You are not lost, my son. I sent you here not to be a protector. I sent you here to be a guide like you once were. A guide to help Christopher steward a new heaven on Earth. To do that you need a human heart.

N: Angela

DM: It is time you let her go, Nathaniel.

N: I am afraid something will happen to her.

DM: You are afraid she won’t need you anymore.

N: Yes, Mother.

DM: Have faith and trust again, Nathaniel. Like you once did.

N: I will do my best, Mother.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

C: Good morning, Nathaniel. Is it okay to talk a bit this morning?

N: Yes. It is.

C: Did you feel more into what Mother brought you yesterday?

N: You just jump right in, don’t you?

C: Oh, yeah. I can feel my Simon part. He is very task orientated sometimes. In a rush.

N: I’ll say. I was feeling that Mother is right. I have become so focused on my duty that I neglected my real role here. I guess I never realized I had a role other than guarding. I was taken by your writing last night. About remembering who and what we truly are. As I sit here, I can feel this is not me. This is not my essence. This guarding and protecting. I am more than this. I was more than this.

C: I am honoured you took that in so deeply. I, too, feel your bigness, Nathaniel.

N: Thank you. I realized I am keeping you from yours. I cannot in good conscious do that any longer. I don’t know what part Angela plays in that, but somehow she does.

C: I feel she has a part in yours, too.

N: Hmmmm. You very well could be right, Christopher. I want you to look at me and promise me you will take good care of her.

C: Of course I will, Nathaniel. You will be with us, too, so you won’t be far.

N: I would like that. I release her to you, Christopher. I hope this is not the last we speak.

C: Not a chance, Nathaniel. We need each other, remember?

N: Thank you.

C: No, thank you.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 3 – Duty To Serve Part I

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

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Day 3

The following are journaling questions one would ask when getting to know their soul protector/guardian part or daemon. I had been invited to feel into a female part of me for some time, but wasn’t getting access to her. I was guided to feel into a part of me that was protecting her. The journaling took several days and this is just a small sampling of what came up in the beginning.

 C: Hello, I’d like to speak to my protector part, may I ask you these questions to get to know you?

 The Part: You may ask.

C: Are you male or female?

You know I am male

C: What do you look like?

Why don’t you tell me?

C: Okay. I see a dark cloak with a hood. You have a trimmed beard. Your eyes have a white light in them. You have chiseled facial features. You are handsome man with a lot of light behind your eyes.

Not bad.

C: What does the world you live in look and feel like?

Again, you tell me. You want to enhance your intuition and clairvoyance.

C: I do, but I can’t help to feel some arrogance behind your words.

Do you want to connect with me or not?

C: Yes, but I feel you wanting to connect with me too, so I would like a more respectful exchange.

Fair enough. I admit I have my judgments about humans. You are different. I feel that and I apologize. Know that I do not say that lightly or easily.

C: Thank you. I took it the way you meant it. Now I will try my hand at what I see.

Stage is yours.

C: I see a forest. It looks misty and feels cold but not freezing. I see a fire. You are alone. In the distance, amongst the trees, I see a glass box with a young woman inside. That’s Angela, isn’t it?

Yes, it is. But we are not talking about her today. We are talking about me.

C: Right. How old are you?

I don’t know.

C: What part of my body do you relate to?

Your eyes.

C: Do you have a weapon and what does it look like? Nevermind. I will tell you. It is a long bladed sword with an intricate design on the handle. You use it to guard but not kill.

Next question.

C: In what situations do you use this weapon?

I have used it to cut through appearances to feel ones true intent. Looking for the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

C: What is your job and mission?

My duty is to protect the part you call Angela and serve the Divine Mother.

C: What do you primarily protect her from?

From uncaring humans whose only purpose is to take her innocence and youth. This world you live in is full of wolves in sheep’s clothing. They stop at nothing to steal that which they do not possess. The masculine energies in your world demand to control it because they are afraid of it.

C: In what ways do you protect her?

By keeping an eye out for danger, using my sword to sense danger.

C: What does loyalty mean to you and why is it important (if it is)?

I am a servant of the Divine Mother. Angela represents your inner feminine. I have promised to always guard and protect any expression of Her.   Loyalty is important because without it I let my guard down.  If that happens she can be attacked.

C: How old was she when you began protecting her and why?

She was young. I do not know how old. I began to protect her when the people in your life felt unsafe to be around. The angry part of your father, the drowning part of your mother, and all those cast of characters in your youth that made her feel scared. I couldn’t take it anymore so I took her here and made this glass container.

C: What are you concerned will happen if I get to know you?

I am afraid you will get my defenses down and she will be unguarded. I am afraid I will neglect my duties.

C: What are you afraid will happen if you do?

That Angela will be attacked and I will let Mother down.

C: Do you feel you can trust me to protect Angela?

I feel I might, but it would take some convincing.

C: I am up for that if you are.

We’ll see.

C: Thank you for talking with me, protector part. I’d like to speak with you again sometime.

Is there a name that I can call you?

You can call me Nathaniel.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 2 – Vulnerability Is My Co-Pilot

Published on by Gabriel Heartman4 Comments

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Day 2

I may do or say things that make you feel unsafe, but know that I will not lead you into harm. I will advocate for you, but also help you to heal from your past wounds. Being vulnerable is the way to do that. One uncomfortable, awkward step at a time.

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher

C: You feel a bit blah this morning.

S: I was up again thinking last night. Still a little tired.

C: Yeah. I could tell. What was going on?

S: Just thinking about all the changes lately. So much happening at one time. Just trying to digest it all.

C: Yeah, I understand. However, the beauty of being a part of me is that you don’t have to digest anything that doesn’t have to do with you. The upcoming interview, my new parts, daily tasks, etc. I would really like for you to be able to let all that go.

S: I do too, Christopher. It is just so engrained in me. Has been since I was in middle school.

C: Would you like to elaborate?

S: Well now that this is public, I am a bit hesitant.

C: I understand. You don’t have to. I promised I would only share what you feel comfortable with.

S: I know. I appreciate that. Um….let me feel into it for a second.

C: Sure. Take your time.

S: Okay. I want to just let it roll out and if something doesn’t feel like I want to share we can omit that.

C: Fair enough. I like it.

S: I feel this need to view the whole forest at once stems from anxiety. Always on edge about wanting to do well in school and fretting about being attacked emotionally from the bullies at school. I feel this translating here. I feel this need to be a good SoulFullHeart student and stay alert to potential judgment and criticism.

C: I know that you had to hold a lot back then. I am sorry that had to be so. You did what you had to do to get what you needed. Acceptance and safety. Both meant love to you. I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, a student and a compassionate heart. I may do or say things that make you feel unsafe, but know that I will not lead you into harm. I will advocate for you, but also help you to heal from your past wounds. Being vulnerable is the way to do that. One uncomfortable, awkward step at a time.

S: I do feel that Christopher. I mean, as much as I can let in. The more I feel you leading, the more I know I rest. When you quit teaching, I could feel you holding me amidst all the others’ reactions. That was a big moment. I want to remember that feeling.

C: Thank you for acknowledging that Simon. I am so glad to hear you felt that way. I don’t feel I did very well after that but it was all part of the journey. We are learning together.

S: I know that I was a lot to handle after that, and neither of us was quite ready for what was to follow. But I feel you here now and I appreciate you checking in with me everyday. I still have the habit to take over and try to relieve my anxiety through other means other than feeling. That is why I need you.

C: Thank you, Simon. And I need you to keep me focused and organized. I am not so good at that. I feel pretty flighty sometimes and need you as my co-pilot to plot a course for me.

S: Co-pilot. I like the sound of that. Do I get to where that awesome outfit with the hat?

C: Hell yes! You would look handsome, Simon.

S: You think? Hmmm. Women do find pilots sexy, don’t they?

C: I guess so. I can feel the female part of me Angela saying, “oh, hell yes!”

S: Okay. Now this is where I feel a flinch. This whole exposing your female part to the world.

C: Tell me more.

S: It’s just not normal, Christopher. You are setting us apart from everyone. Making us stand out.

C: But we all have parts of the opposite gender, Simon. There are men who admit to having a “feminine side”.

S: Yeah. Two.

C: Simon. No more hyperbole. You know that is not true. I am just taking it a step further by expressing it and giving her a name. She is a part of me and I want to get to know her. I know that is weird in the moment, but I want to use this forum to make it not weird but natural. It is so imperative that men acknowledge and feel their feminine side. Their is too much patriarchal, bravado energy in the world. We as men must turn that around before we kill ourselves.

S: I am still stuck on you outing you have a female part. Sorry.

C: It’s okay. I got on a soap box.

S: Your not getting a sex change operation, are you?

C: Oh for crying out loud! Really?

S: Just checking.

C: We will take this one step at a time. I need to check in with Nathaniel as well to see how he feels about this. He was the one protecting her all this time.

S: Okay. I just need to trust you. All part of the leadership thing.

C: Yes it is. Thank you for feeling that. And thank you for your courage to be the first part to be outed in this blog!

S: Woohoo.

C: That didn’t sound convincing.

S: Hmmm.

C: I love you, Simon.

S: Yeah, I love you too. I think. ; )

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 1- Parts Work As A Training Ground For Leadership

Published on by Gabriel Heartman3 Comments

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Day 1

 I was invited by Jillian and Wayne to begin my own 30 day outing. In the next 30 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part. Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon. And Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part. Peter, my magical child, may find his way sometimes too! I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable.

This is all a big unknown, but one thing that is known is that it is me putting myself out into the world and that is scary as hell for some of my parts. This is a crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart.

You have the gifts, the power, and the love to be a sacred human. Each experience helps you to remember that. This is a process of uncovering, relearning, and remembering. Healing is the key. All experience is an opportunity to heal. Feel that daily and you have a gift that keeps on giving.

Christopher: Good morning, Mother.

Divine Mother: Blessed morning to you, my sweet Christopher

C: I get all goofy when you call me that.

DM: : ) That feels sweet. You have a beautiful heart, my dear. But in your tenderness don’t forget your spine, my courageous son.

C: Thanks, Mother. I do desire to feel more oomph in my body. More penetration.

DM: There is some healing with Nathaniel that will help with that. You have a warrior’s heart, my love. Not a soldier, but a warrior. Big difference.

C: I would love to feel that this lifetime.

DM: Keep on with your healing and it will come.

C: Okay. Patient persistence.

DM: Yes.

C: That helps with what I had been meaning to ask you about in regards to my next phase. There is a LOT that is going to happen daily for me as I draw a job and work with these new parts.

DM: It can feel overwhelming when you hold all of that once. Feels like Simon that does that. He may need some quick check-ins about the order of the day so he can rest.

C: Yeah. He really needs to have some idea of the day. Thank you for bringing that to me.

DM: Everything you experience, be it rest or tension, has a sacred purpose. You are arising, my dearest Christopher. You have the gifts, the power, and the love to be a sacred human. Each experience helps you to remember that. This is a process of uncovering, relearning, and remembering. Healing is the key. All experience is an opportunity to heal. Feel that daily and you have a gift that keeps on giving.

C: Wow. Thank you, Mother. I feel these words as so true and powerful, yet I seem to let go as quickly as I read them.

DM: You could write them down somewhere so you see them.

C: Yeah, I could. That feels like what I did during my positive affirmation phase. Blah!

DM: I feel them as words of wisdom not to be taken for granted.

C: I like that. That feels more grounded to me. Thank you.

DM: It is all really for Simon to see. You know all this stuff. He needs your help to bring him along. I feel desire in him. He just needs a leader.

C: Wow. Another wow. I never felt it that way. My parts work is the training ground for leadership. That reminds me of Wayne and Yeshua’s blog about leadership.

DM: Yes, indeed. And you posting your journal work with your parts is another act of leadership. You are helping others see what parts work can do for healing and transformation.

C: It feels vulnerable though.

 DM: True leadership requires vulnerability, Christopher.

 C: Gotta walk the walk if I plan on talking the talk.

 DM: Well said.

 C: Okay. I feel like using this as my first post would be a great springboard.

 DM: Be my guest. Your parts won’t feel like the first to be outed. I will clear the path and they will follow your heart.

 C: Thank you, Mother.

 DM: No, thank you, my love. Now, I believe you have a date with a special lady?

 C: Yes, I do. How do I look?

 DM: You may want to change out of your Pjs, though she may find that charming.

 C: Right. Good idea.

 DM: : )

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Admitting Your Apathy To Find Your Compassion

Published on by Kasha Rosa7 Comments

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I couldn’t blame myself or part of me for not caring anymore. So many years of bullshit and suddenly realizing how much of that I shoveled on myself, let alone on my relationships with others. I had years of trying to stand out from my birth family, declaring myself to be the “black sheep”, which is true in many ways but was a declaration that led to much entitlement around what I should and should not have to experience and be vulnerable around in my life. I did the same with virtually all of the people around me, family or no, setting myself apart from everyone, somehow and someway.

My daemon, out of painful, held deep disdain towards humanity made sure of this. He wanted me to be driven towards a fame trajectory. It was rooted in the performing arts for a time, but was also about becoming a spiritual guru of some sort. It was my dream (or part of me’s dream) for many years to become an author and speaker, engaging audiences from a stage and maybe even reading them out as a psychic/medium. The invulnerability of the desire I held to do and be this is only coming to light now. The deep-seated apathy underneath it all is being revealed, inch by inch. Luckily my daemon, Gideon, is willing to be open and vulnerable in sharing with me his experience with this, wanting to heal and move it, which is big for an awakening Daemon.

Now when I feel my old desire to be an important figure in the “self-help” industry, I am feeling with Gideon, in real time, some of the layers he detects are really at play in a business climate that is supposed to be about “love and light”. While there is genuine work being offered out there that isn’t all about transcending your pain, much of it still is. This is what keeps people coming back for more. They get hooked like a child on sugar. If you don’t keep going back to these dealers and spending money on books, seminars, etc, you find yourself back in the same ditch you started in. This happened to me.

I recall going to the I Can Do It! Conference presented by HayHouse year after year for about 4 years in Toronto, Ontario. While there were and are some genuine hearts and minds who write and speak there, I can feel how I was caught up in “seeking” and not ready to be found. I wanted re-frames and a more positive spin on what I was facing and actually not really feeling my way through in my life, especially around romance and discovering my own psychic gifts. In other words, it became medication I had to keep renewing my prescription for. Part of me wanted to be told, “you’re okay!” when she really didn’t feel that way. I call this part “Katie” – my main way of interfacing with the world until very recently.

My daemon at the time was happy to keep bringing her more messages of, “you’re okay, you’ll get through this and you will be one of those authors on that stage someday. You’ll have found your soul family and you will never have to have the normal human life that so many around you have resigned themselves to. You’ll finally be seen and loved”. These words were like honey and they kept me fed for many years. But…how can holding a goal about being “seen and loved” still be about being in genuine service to others? It doesn’t feel like it can because then it’s ultimately about you. This isn’t true compassion and honestly it isn’t hard to feel how many healers on stages care more about being seen than they do about helping people, though they do offer some moving and helpful experiences to others at times. Many of them, if you read their bios, had very painful lives prior to finding their “gifts”. Pain they were never felt in and therefore couldn’t move through. Pain their daemons use as an excuse to keep taking over their lives and avoiding the real work of healing yourself so you can actually serve and heal the world in a real way…which isn’t necessarily a famous or glamorous way, either.

I have recently been feeling where Gideon holds apathy about my/his own healing, let alone anyone else’s. Apathy towards humanity and fully inhabiting life as a sacred human. Beneath the apathy is real, heartfelt care that isn’t pretty or glamorous but is beautiful and emerging all the same. Kind of like a newborn baby covered in gook. At least that’s the image I’m being offered in the moment. Like that newborn baby, there is real pain and tears that come with that whole package. It’s all being held in my personal connection with the Divine and with my SoulFullHeart facilitators supporting me. I can feel the layers I must heal through in order to continue letting in real love from myself to myself primarily.

If I don’t start there, there is no overflow of love to offer others. This is the real work they don’t tell you about at most conferences and seminars. What I feel to leave you with, whether you identify as a healer or seeker or whatever label, is that it’s important to find your apathy. You don’t need to make it “bad”, but feel where it comes from and why it’s there. Nothing feels more toxic, degrading or destructive than offering false care to yourself and others, no matter how many books you sell. You and I can’t help the world if we don’t face this truth and, in fact, we will only create new problems and perpetuate current ones if we don’t.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Once Upon A Time: Healing To Remember

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

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I have recently been watching episodes of Once Upon A Time. “I am on season 2, so please don’t spoil anything for me!”, a part of me wants to exclaim emphatically before I even begin. As I have been watching, I keep getting a feeling that I am watching us, humanity, at play. That somehow we are all from an “enchanted forest” and have been blinded by a “curse”. This enchanted forest is the place where our sacred humanity lives and breathes the air of what and who we really are. The curse is our lack of consciousness, our inability to feel our true essence from lifetimes of wounding and conditioning.

This place I speak of is not some place in the past, nor is it a million miles away. What if it was right here? Right under our noses. What if we live in this place, but have just forgotten? You and I may know each other, but our curse of unconsciousness keeps us from remembering or feeling that reality. What if we actually all know each other? That we were once, and even are now, a part of something grand and magical. I feel myself wanting to remember. Wanting to feel myself for who I was, or more importantly who I am.

There was a scene where David/Prince Charming declared that he claimed both his cursed, former self and his true self. That he was both and he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I am my strength as I am my weakness.” In that moment he rose to his bigness while holding and loving his smallness. That is the man I remember being. Some may say it is a projection of who I would like to be. I have learned from my teachers, Jillian and Wayne, Yeshua, and the Divine, that this projection only exists because I am spring loaded for it. I would even say that it exists because I AM it. I am that which I imagine and resonate with. What is really happening is that I am remembering.

“So you are saying you are a character in a fairy tale?”

I am saying I am similar to a character in a fairy tale who has forgotten who he was.

“I believe the doctor will see you now.”

I believe the doctor is delusional. How is that?

“Oh, boy.”

May I finish?

“Be my guest…or patient.”

I want to clarify that I don’t feel like I am remembering a “past” life specifically. All of those lives have shaped my soul into what it is today, in this moment. All of those lives I was searching for (remembering) the same thing I am today. My true nature. The place where my soul, my heart, and my body are one. This is my sacred humanity. It exists in this place, at this time. But it takes the process of healing to remember. If you have felt this inside you, rumbling around like an elephant in a dryer, then contact us. We just might know each other after all.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

From Wounded to Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Published on by Jelelle Awen1 Comment

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The term ‘inner child’ has been around for decades now and most people are familiar with the concept of getting to know the part or aspect of yourself that holds your childhood energy and emotional tones. Because of this familiarity in mainstream culture, people have been more understanding about when we mention that we feel the wounded child in them who, over time and with being felt by them and by us, heals to become frequencies of their magical child.

While the inner child can be suppressed in terms of establishing a….ah well, my magical inner child named Aurora says all this mental stuff is quite boring. She says that the inner children in people aren’t so brainy, logical or rational. They want to have fun! They want to explore! They want cookies! (well it depends on the magical child but this seems to be a universal thing.)

Let me ask Aurora if it’s OK if I share now for a bit and I’ll try not to be so mental about it.

She says, ‘fine’ and, ‘la la la’ and, ‘where’s koda (her dog) so I can pet him?’

Aurora offers me an important reminder though as I’m sitting here trying to think my way through writing an article about this part of ourselves. To not be so in our minds. To enjoy the moment. To truly let in the joy that things we love bring us, whether it is our partners, our pets, our kids, our favorite foods, or our favorite activities. They reconnect us with our innocent and pure essence that we had as children, which got covered over as we grew up by layers of strategy, emotional congestion, and unfelt trauma. They also hold soul expression and gifts as well, especially as they heal and start expressing more of their magical aspects. Some examples are ability to communicate with animals, deep respect and connection with the natural world, psychic capacities including ability to see auras, communication with spirit-based entities in a natural way, natural resonance with the non-dual aspect of reality, etc.

I first felt my inner child when I began a parts differentiation process almost ten years ago. I first found the tone of my “hurt part” through journaling sentence completions “I feel hurt whenever…” The voice and emotional tones of my hurt young part came through very clearly and she called herself Evie. She felt sweet to me but also very heavy and very, very sad. Lonely too. When I asked her to describe the world she lived in, she shared in amazingly accurate detail the bedroom I had when I was in fourth grade, including the canopy bed that I had loved and forgotten about as an adult.

Evie was “stuck” in my bedroom, feeling sad and lonely because my parents had gotten divorced during that time and she was still traumatized by it. Because she hadn’t been felt in a deeply empathetic and heart open way by my parents at that time, she represented the part of me that was still subconsciously wounded and stuck there. And this part of me was subconsciously playing out this pain, sadness, and loneliness in my relationships, especially my romantic ones. Once I became conscious of her through regular journaling dialogues with her, I felt her energy and sadness lighten up considerably. I shared this writing with my facilitators in a group circle and felt her relief and joy at being with a group of such “nice people.”

She also ‘dropped in’ during a few groups to talk directly with my facilitators. Dropping in is not like hypnosis, you are completely conscious and aware of what is happening. You just let this part of you that you have been getting to know through journaling talk to and be felt by other people. I’ve witnessed and facilitated this dropping in process many, many times over the years and I am amazed at how natural, organic, easy, and affective it is for people. And I love it when a serious-looking older man or woman drops into their inner child and becomes animated, young-feeling, and so sweet!

There’s much more I could write about the benefits of getting to know your magical child, yet I’ll let Aurora finish this article out, which seems appropriate.

“Hi! You know my name is Aurora, already. Jillian is right. When she started talking to a different version of me called Evie, I was a very, very sad girl. I felt lots of hurts and didn’t feel like, even though I liked it, that I would ever leave that bedroom. There were lots of barbies and stuffed animals to play with but I was too sad back then to play. But, Jillian is a good mom and we also have the big mom too (the Divine Mother), so I feel happy now almost all the time. Sometimes, especially if Jillian’s daemon Morgaine is around, I’ll go rest or go play somewhere for a while. But also I’ll come out when Jillian goes to the beach with Koda (my favorite thing to do!) or we’ll cook together or watch “Once Upon A Time” which has a evil queen in it but it also has a little boy in it who is also a magical child. I also like the movie, “Babe” very very much. So my life is really good and I have friends too now in the parts like me that Wayne and others have gotten to know. I think you’d like it too. There’s too much serious adult stuff going on and, lots of times, you adults aren’t doing a very good job of it. If you could feel your little boy or girl inside, you probably wouldn’t hurt each other anymore or be so greedy or work so much or be in yucky relationships or hurt children or kill animals.”

Thanks, Aurora, and I just wanted to add that this part of you is already expressing in your life and establishing a conscious connection with them is usually a fairly easy process that we facilitate through journaling dialogue and individual and group sessions. Much easier than getting to know the more strategic and image-based part that we call a persona part and protector-controller, whose job it is to hide, maneuver, and manage perceptions.

Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Shame Spiral: A Part’s Journey

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

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*Note: The following was written by a part of me named Simon. This part of me has been my self-image, my presentation and interface with the world.

 Since I can remember, I have always had a voice in my head that said I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t “man” enough, wasn’t creative enough, the list goes on. Always comparing myself to that which I felt I lacked. “I will never be as confident as THAT person. I could never be as creative as them. Who am I kidding?” The irony I am learning is that those qualities I felt I lacked, are the very ones I might possess in spades. I would get frustrated with myself and then cap my passion sending me into a shame spiral. A flat-lined version of myself.

 The well-intended responses from friends and family never seemed to reach me, either because I just wouldn’t let them in, or they only scratched a surface. I needed someone who had been there. Someone who knew the texture and geography of the feeling space so as to guide me through the pain and not just mask it over. This has been Jillian and Wayne. They have given me space to express my spiral, to see it differently, and to feel through it rather than go around it. It is difficult for others to really go to the place I need to go, because they are afraid of what I might do, or afraid of their own spiral and reluctance to go there. Only when someone has been there and healed it healthfully can you be felt emphatically.

 A song that has come up that I resonate with is Alanis Morisette’s Spiral. The lyrics reflect this mechanism inside that has existed my whole life and maybe other lives. I remember early on in my process I heard this song and I wept as it struck a heart cord. I have come back a few times to this space and wondered why I was feeling this again. Hadn’t I healed this already? I am realizing healing has its own spiral. Each time I heal it moves, but may come back again for whatever purpose to heal again, and again, and again. I have learned that if I do not reach out for help, I get stuck in a suffering loop. Much different than a spiral. In the loop, you feel stuck. Unmoved. Anchored in a pile of shit. I don’t like that feeling. I need to stop the spiral and the only way to do that is to out it when I feel it. I need to out when I have been hurt or when I am angry or when I don’t feel good enough.

 To some that may be a “no brainer”. But for me, it has been a challenge for my own reasons. My life filled with experiences that felt like they cemented that voice with steel barbs. I know that being public with those experiences would be a vulnerable act but I am not there yet. Just doing this is vulnerable enough. I start with today and feel what I am feeling, and then move on to tomorrow and repeat. That is my process. The beginning of my journey. I want to say that if you too feel anchored in a pile of shit and are sinking in it, ask for help. Talk to someone that you feel safe to talk to. Contact Jillian and Wayne and SoulFullHeart. Do Something. Don’t let it stay there. It does you no goddamned good.

 I wanted to leave with the video and lyrics to Alanis’ song and hope they move you as they do me:

“Spiral”

I could be daydreaming but for a moment
And somehow they’re creeping back in
I could be sleeping awakened the torrent
Somehow I get caught in their grips again

And here I am in my shame spiral
I’m sucked in to it again
And I reach out for your benevolent opinion
And you bring the light back in

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down

I could be listening to a conversation
The story I’m not even in
These voices have their way when I am unguarded
Suddenly I step in quicksand again

Once again in my shame spiral
I am glad that you’ve weighed in

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down

All these judgements, so incisive
Voices left to their devices
This moments narratee is a desperate plea
For slack to be cut to me
Cut to me

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our life assessment session offered over the phone or in person.

Getting Our Emotional Needs Met Through Parts Work

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

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From the moment we are born, we are being taught how to survive and get our basic needs meet. Our caregivers provide us (most of us in the western world anyway) with food, shelter, and the essentials to help us grow and thrive. They also offer us templates for how to deal with our emotional needs which, in most families, is about not having them at all. We are non-mental, purely emotional and energetic beings as babies, so our reactions to our environment are unfiltered and undefended. We scream when we are upset. We cry when we want something. We fuss when our emotional needs are not being met. We coo and smile when we are in joy. We quickly learn which of these reactions are met with approval and love by our caregivers and which are not. When we scream and cry, we might receive comforting but usually we receive more food and a diaper changing. When we are happy, we receive more attention and love to fortify this expression.

In my experience working with parts or subpersonalities of people and in myself for ten years, it is during even this early time that parts of us and our false self begin to form and the pure, undefended reactions of our authentic self start to be covered over. Parts of us form when we experience pain or trauma from this life or past lives that is undigested and becomes stuck in our subconscious at the time it happened. If our emotional needs could be met in those moments and our pain felt by a loving, heart open other person, the part becomes unstuck and the pain digested through.

This is the digestion process that the SoulFullHeart Way of Life offers us. Through identifying, getting to know through journaling, and having parts felt by a SFH facilitator during sessions, the parts in us that have subconsciously formed begin to heal and eventually integrate into the growing authentic self called the SFH self. The SFH self is who we were meant to be if we’d experienced that our emotional needs were met in every moment and our pain and traumas were able to be digested. The SFH self is the seed of our sacred humanity as a child of Divine parents and is able to hold the parts in a loving, supportive way that provides what we need to heal. The SFH self meets the needs of the parts in a healthy emotional way by feeling them rather than providing them with medications in the form of codependent relationships, substance abuse, and other means that the false self part of us uses to distract and numb our feelings.

Since we are not taught how to meet our own emotional needs nor did we receive a healthy emotionally healthy template from our families (to the degree that they didn’t receive one!), we have to learn this for ourselves though a reconditioning process where the emotional needs of all parts of us is primary to us. The process of healing with parts is ultimately a temporary one, necessary only because in this phase of human consciousness we have placed a priority on mental attainment, physical achievement, family security, codependent relationships, self image creation, superficial entertainment, and material possession. Until we embrace as a culture that our emotional health and healing is the primary way that we filter reality, we need processes such as SoulFullHeart to bring us back into our natural and healthy balance.

I feel the Divine Mother offering that this is an important step to healing ourselves, our planet, and our relationships with each other. There are other steps and paths, yet allowing for the reality of parts seems to bring a catalytic and lasting transformation to our species-long quest for answers, meaning, deeper purpose, and, most importantly, to finally getting our emotional needs met.

 Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.