By Raphael Awen
Is there a way we could embrace suicide somehow, yet without doing any harm to ourselves?
A Tribute To Wayne:
I began going by my middle name of Wayne in 2008, after some deep life changes rocked through my world. People who knew and loved me as Marvin, my given first name, had a hard time with me now going by Wayne. Wayne wasn’t Marvin. My life wasn’t what it had been.
Wayne was a new arising me who could leave entire well constructed worlds behind in search of new ones, when he knew the old worlds were completing.
I had been going by the name of Wayne for only a few weeks when I again chose to connect with Jelelle (then Jillian) and to fully explore open hearted romance. That soon involved leaving Canada behind, moving to California, not quite legally, then getting banned from the US, reordering our world back to Canada, even choosing to go through bankruptcy a few years later. It was all adventure and expansion and Wayne loved every bit of it, even feeling the kickups of anxiety that the edges of that aliveness also pushed up.
Chapter after life chapter unfolded taking him and us to change so much of life as I had known it. I left my too familiar hometown behind and chose to live in new places close to the ocean that reflected the aliveness and changes on the inside. My relationship with a career in its third decade was thinned out as I embraced more and more the call and desire to co-found SoulFullHeart together with Jillian.
After 6 years together, the desire and call came to relocate to Mexico, to quite simply load the van and go. Wayne did just that, along with Jillian, and Kathleen and Christian (Kalayna and Gabriel) and then adjusted to a ton of newness and exploration on an offgrid ranch attempting growing our own food and cob building in a very foreign setting on what felt like less than a shoestring budget, in terms of both money and know how; and all of that while remaining in deep heart and soul connection with Jillian, along with our tiny community, and the desire to birth SoulFullHeart into the world more and more. In many ways the universe led us through a great death and rebirth phase and Wayne was my personal tour guide for the duration.
Then came a time of feeling another layer of aliveness that wasn’t Wayne arising in me, and I chose to go by the name, Raphael. The name change was much easier this time as I was only in contact with a few local Mexicans and my closest beloveds at the ranch who fully supported my name change. Wayne felt like a beloved part of me who was stepping back now from leading my life as I, Raphael, was holding a yet again new frequency of relationship to life. Wayne felt like his time as me, as my leading edge, was completing.
Wayne was the one who could hold and manage the practical with a deeply open heart, and love the edges and challenges that arose. Wayne was the one who could embrace deeply the deep feminine in his beloved and in himself, even when he was confounded by it. Wayne was able to claim what he wanted and let go of what he didn’t want.
I felt my relationship to Wayne wane over time (pun intended). He took a mostly backseat in my life as I as Raphael now held life and him as a beloved part of me. Then as our recent choice to move back to Canada arose for us, I felt some distinct Wayne tones arise sharply in my consciousness.
As I felt so many exciting new things coming into my life, I strangely also had some strong constricted moments of feeling anxious. Being out shopping for familiar foods with a very excited Jelelle and Raianna, I felt myself struggling to find my joy or excitement and instead wanted to save money. Beneath the anxiety about outcomes, I could feel a deep tiredness coming from somewhere inside of me to be ‘doing it all over again’. I tried to breathe through and manage these feelings as understandable given the degree of life change underway, yet the feelings persisted to where I could so clearly feel a part of me not on board with where I found myself now.
I checked in with Wayne and could so feel this as him, trying on one hand to summon the energy to continue and at the same time, so not wanting to. When I picked up pen and paper yesterday to journal with Wayne, I asked him about his feelings and what he told me was that he had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to return back to Source, and that he didn’t feel connected or energized towards our new Canada timeline, try as he may. He told me that he felt complete with the lifetime lived out in the past 13 years and now so wanted to go deeply into the embrace of the Divine Mother. I wept wave after wave of deep tears together with him feeling a deep completion and then I felt at odds about where to lead him next. I shared the experience with Jelelle and Raianna later in the day, who both shared my tears and deep realization, both of whom knew and loved Wayne so dearly. Jelelle offered that he was free to go; to be beautifully and ceremoniously released to return back to source; to ‘pass away’ from this dimension and go onwards to his next dimensions of exploration and journey; that his work was done, and so well done at that; that his reward awaited him.
We released Wayne right there, sitting at the kitchen table, and felt him go, leaving now from his home territory of Canada. It’s only been a nights digestion and yet I feel so much lighter. I can feel Wayne in transit and can still feel a heart chord with him, that feels like it never needs to go away, a chord of supply from the source that he returns to, from the arms of the Divine Mother whose embrace he chose to be deeper enfolded in.
I can feel him now removed from this practical third dimension and yet so practical at the same time, wanting to create a logistics shipping company that can transport goods and services between the dimensions like a well oiled machine, in a yin feminine kind of way.
I can feel my heart as Raphael ready to take on the new beginnings of starting all over again with a feeling of joy and opportunity, rather than a fear or anxiety of not being enough for this next chapter.
My heart tells me that it’s totally natural to have parts of us complete their timelines here and to be able to release them without ending our physical lives. We need not fuse to their feelings in a result of suicide, but instead hold heart space for their feelings to move through us – their gifts being received and them being allowed to go onwards, with a new version of ourselves being supported by the Divine to hold the larger context and timing of our sacred earth tour.
Thank you for feeling this tribute to Wayne.
May you know also the parts of you that need their advent and return through the vehicle of your earth journey.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.