Author: Gabriel Heartman

I am a facilitator with the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. I am called to serve love by sharing my emotional process and lessons I have learned, to help others see and feel a different way of relating to the reality that we currently subscribe to. I hope you feel my heart and soul in all I express. Thank you for joining me on my journey and desire for you to come with me.

Moving Out Of Fear And Into Love And Faith

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

art-hand-heart-couple

By Chris Tydeman and Emmerich

Note: This piece was inspired by my Heart Friend, Kathleen and her Daemon. Together they are sharing their SoulFullHeart experience with others in a desire to connect with them in a soulfullheart way. The following is written by my daemon, Emmerich, in honour of them both.

In this moment, as I touch pen to paper, my fellow Daemon is opening himself up to vulnerability. The raw, naked sensation of being your authentic, loving, and truthful self. There is so much fear that comes up in this most uncomfortable state. This fear brings all sorts of manifestations, from self-doubt to physical illness. All of these arise for good reason, as we have only known how to protect and defend up until this point. Somewhere along this process, we realized that playing small is not our God-given birthright nor that of our human charge. Our destiny is to pave the way for an arising, sacred human connection to the source of All That Is…Love.

This is not as simple a task as we would like to believe. It is a challenging, fear-
laden, yet rewarding journey that is always in ebb and flow, push and pull, joy
and humility. Of course it is! We are not detached, transcendental souls. We
are inextricably connected to the human heart. A cauldron of emotions that
were never meant to be tamed and made rational. They are wild and alive with
truth and passion. They cannot be set aside or ignored. The destructive impact
of doing so is seen from substance abuse to murder to war. The degree of this
disconnect is equal to the degree of this manifestation.

As we connect and move with this heart, we experience our own fears and
doubts. These, too, are natural, expected, and part of our own process in concert
with our human brethren. Together we are partners, supporters, and co-creators
of Divine Love. There is no separating us once this bond has been forged. We
are One, yet separate, in our communion with All That Is. When fears arise, one
is there for the other, in Love. This helps us not become the fear, but to feel it,
move with it, and heal it.

As we heal together, our bond is strengthened and we are birthed into a new
energetic field of Divine Love. Our vision widens, our heart grows, and our soul
deepens. We no longer choose to live in fear and hope, but desire to live in Love
and Faith.

​Visit SoulFullHeart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Healing Process.

In The Lonely Room: Challenge, Struggle, Process, Surrender

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

By Chris Tydeman

*This was written after a SoulFullHeart weekend group healing and energy session in Vancouver, BC.  It is a reflection and vulnerable description of my personal experience. 

As I write this, I am sitting in my living room.  I have renamed it The Lonely Room.  This name was brought to me by Jillian as a place where men go to digest, process, and reconnect.  It feels fitting in this moment and all others that have preceded it and have yet to pass.  To a part of you, it may sound depressing.  It certainly does to a part of me.  However, the reality is that this is the only place I can be right now to let in all that has been offered to me.  It has become sacred space.  A space where my parts, my daemon, and my connection to God can be together without distraction.

In my recent visit to Vancouver, I felt like a pinball.  At least, that is how a part of me felt.  But that is how it is sometimes.  We get put into play by our intention and desire.   We hit a rubber wall of resistance.  Other times we go through false walls and move right through.  We land in special places where lights sparkle and bells whistle with excitement, only to pop right out again to find more resistance, doors, and joyful resonance.  The flippers keep us in play to receive more lessons, more opportunity.  But eventually the ball comes to rest.  It rests in a quiet place.  To reflect, process, and download all that was felt.  This is The Lonely Room.

By now, you may be thoroughly confused.  Sorry about that.  Let me offer you my story.  As stated above, I went to Vancouver to join in a SoulFullHeart group session and energy healing.  Afterwards, I would visit with my daughter.  Even before getting there, I felt many emotions coming from multiple parts.  I have an arrest record that has made it a challenge to enter Canada.  Though I have taken the necessary steps to clear this, it has always been a 50/50 chance.  This brings up loads of anxiety and shame.  My young part, Christopher, is acutely afraid of authority.  “The men in black are scary!” he says.  The possibility of being told to turn around would be a blow to my fragile shame part, Shane.  It was difficult not to fuse with these parts.  I did what I could to allow the feeling to come in and reassure them I would not be arrested or turned away.  Easier said than done.

After lots of meditation and prayer I entered Canada and was given an opportunity to clear my record by a sympathetic border agent.  (Either that, or he just didn’t want to me to waste their time anymore.)  New life was infused within me and now it was negotiating transit to make it to my Mecca.  Now that I think of it, it was more of a pilgrimage than a sojourn, has I had previously thought of it.  Parts of me had found their way home.

The next day in group, I worked with a part of me that held my shame and guilt.  I had to admit something that was very painful to reveal.  This part of me, Marcus, is not comfortable with me being explicit, but the revelation was about his lack of self-worth and self-punishment.  In this moment, healing occurred, through Love and Grace.  A “rubber suit” had been placed around me to protect me from letting anything in, while at the same time not letting anything out.  Not a healthy combination.

Through this “feelization”, I was shown that my own daughter had inherited this suit.  This of course brought me more guilt and shame only to be held in love by Jillian and Wayne and was moved to remorse.  Not nearly as energetic and debilitating.  With remorse, there is awareness yet compassion.  To help my own child see this, I had to first remove mine.  This would be done during the energy session and it turned out to be a cocoon instead of a suit.  I was changed as a result.  A different me than the one that walked through the door.

That night I brought my new awareness to my daughter.  I could feel how much pain was residing in her young part over this.  We both reflect each other in our goodness, but also in our disconnectedness.  She was moved by my words and vulnerability in the moment, but could not let it all the way in, for her own reasons.   Reasons that I am all too familiar with.  I know that it will take time.  She has been offered this work as a way to help be more authentic in the world and to let in true love.  I was challenged as to how much of her resistance I was willing to accept.  To be honest, I really don’t know.  For now, all I can do is continue to bring my truth to her and see where it lands.  It has taken me some time to get here, and I am not able to let go yet.  This challenge, however, rattled my cage to the core, and has also led me to my relationship to my family and friends.

While I have created space from my family, I have not brought my process to them.  There are still too many energetics at play to be able to talk frankly about it.  I can write, but that is as far as I can go for now.  Though I know the time will come when I am ready.  This would be to truly love myself and them.  My friends, however, are more immediate.  I do not hold the level of energy I do with my family.  I was challenged again to feel what space I am holding for them while at the same time not being felt in my expression.  This is where struggle comes in.

As I go through this work, I become less and less connected to the “old” me.  That “old” me has built relationships around things that I no longer hold dear.  If this “new” me is as important to me as I say it is, how can I relate to my friends in an “old” way?  The answer is I can’t, but I still can’t say I won’t.  At some point, “I won’t”, will happen just as it did with my family.  I may need to go through one last cycle of expressing my authentic self.  This is where the “rubber meets the road”.  Cliché yet true.  The lack of connection may be loud and clear.  From there, I will have two options: Be old or be new.  A part of me already knows the answer; the other will need to experience it.  This is my process.

At the end of this process will be surrender.  Surrendering to what my daemon, Emmerich, knows to be true.  Surrendering to the faith he has in God.  Surrendering to the fear of letting my old friend, Marcus, go.  He will always be with me, just with a different name and a different role.  This will not happen overnight but rather over time, as the universe sees fit.

Though the road is sometimes bumpy and rough, I could not imagine being on any other one.  I am being real for the first time in my life.  I am taking responsibility for the life that has been gifted to me by the Divine.  By saying yes to this work I am saying yes to me and to love.  It is not forced upon me.  It is offered to me by the Mother and the love of Jillian and Wayne.  I am choosing this path because it is the one that feels the most authentic.  Thank you for reading this.  I always write for me initially, but somewhere I hope that someone may get something that comes out of The Lonely Room.

Visit SoulFullHeart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Healing Process.

Love Thy Self; Love Thy Shadow

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Sequoia Heartman

Love.  It’s what we are all here to give and receive.  When we think of love we immediately and instinctively think of something or someone outside our self.  A love of art, music, or country.  Or the love of a family member, a close friend, or intimate partner.  All outside the realm of our own being.  But what of the love we seldom hear about?  The love of our own heart, our own soul, our own self.

We have not been taught that this is where true love actually starts.  And by love of self, I do not refer to confidence or self-esteem.  These arise naturally and organically with authentic self-love.  Confidence and self-esteem feel more like false prop-ups to get us through the days, weeks, or months.  Please do not infer that I do not believe in building self-esteem.  Rather I suggest it is just a step in the direction of real self-worth and acceptance.  I encourage all to not stop there.  True self-love is recognizing our shadow, accepting that it is a part of us, and listening to what it has to say.

The conversation may be difficult and very hard to hear.  However, when you allow it space to speak its truth, you have given it something it never had been given before…love.  We hide our shadow.  We ignore it, medicate it, or sometimes hate it.  It has only wanted to be heard and felt.  It doesn’t exist to destroy.  It is actually there to create.  Create a You that you never knew existed.  It may not feel like it from their initial words to you, but over time you will find that it has loved you more than you ever thought anyone on this planet ever has.  It just hasn’t been able to express itself in a healthy way.  It didn’t have a You there to talk to.

Through my SoulFullHeart process I have been led to this shadow part of myself.  Through my arising authentic, sacred Self or SoulFullHeart Self, I have been able to hold space for it.  Listen to it and not be afraid of it.  It is through this work that I find myself in the midst of not only being aware of my own heart, but taking the time to feel it, listen to it, and love it as I would my own child.  The rewards are far greater than the price I paid to get here.  When you feel it for the first time, like I have, you wonder how you ever got along without it.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more. 

Playing Pretend In The Shadow Of Our Truth

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Chris Tydeman

(Note: This was written by me through the heart of a young part of mine. He
is going through a difficult stage and he has become aware of the necessity of
having caring and truly compassionate (understanding) people in his life such as
Jillian, Wayne, and Katie of SoulFullHeart.)

Truth. It can be our worst enemy and our best friend all in the same
moment. We run from it fiercely, yet it is always by our side. We try to sever its
connection to us by any means possible, but it reminds us in a multitude of ways
that it is impossible to do so. Wherever you are, there it is.

In the course of my life, I have avoided even the softest of truths. I didn’t
want to seem ignorant. I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I didn’t want to
cause conflict. I have been the master of the “white” lie. Yet for each one told, it
was like the silk thread of a spider’s web. Eventually, you get stuck. Then comes
guilt, shame, or anger, either expressed or repressed.

These lies had a purpose for me. They gave me the cover of being
acceptable, maybe even wonderful. The rewards were greater that the risks, or
so I thought. I was given praise, admiration, and self-gratification. But never the
one thing I was truly looking for. Love.

I don’t mean the “love” we have all come to accept as love. That “love”
comes from doing the “right” things, making the “right” choices, or saying
the “right” words to make everyone feel better about themselves.

The Love I refer to is the one you get for being honest, for being real, and
for advocating for your well-being. That Love has only come in drips or crumbs.
So much so, that when it really does come, you are leery of it or even frightened
by it. It has been a stranger the minute we landed here.

This is the Love that is needed to face the hard truths. The ones buried
deep inside. The ones that we dare not speak of, for they cast a light on our darkest fears, our biggest despair. These truths are the ones that can bring us peace through hardship, awareness through humility, heaven through hell.

Unfortunately, we feel nailed down, caged in, and tied up by the very thing that
can set us free.

This cannot be done alone. We need friends in Heart and in Love to hear
us, hold us, and honor us through this most difficult act of bravery. When you get
down to it, we are all still young children playing pretend in the shadow of our
Truth.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.

In My Own Way

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments
Photo Taken By Chris on Goat Rock Beach, CA

By Chris Tydeman

(Note from Chris: As I have been moving through the SFH process, I have been experiencing my parts in relation to other people and daily activities. This piece comes as a part of me is recognizing and letting go of those things that he once held dear and defined himself through.)

I have walked the halls of this life

By feeling the walls and ground along the way

Never truly seeing where I have been going

Just following the thoughts that surround me

For they are all I have ever known.

When I cannot feel them, I panic.

Where am I? Where am I supposed to go?

I flail, feeling for something solid

Something to hold on to

Anything to help me feel like I am somewhere,

That I am someone.

The floor collapses and I fall

Unsupported by what used to hold me in place.

I am in a vacuum

In terror, I try to rebuild the hall with anything I can remember

But every time I try, it lasts for only a short while

And I am back again

Alone, empty, unknown

A voice from within whispers, but I cannot hear.

I call out for it, but only echoes of solitude come back to haunt me.

In this hell, I begin to weep

And the dam of my heart breaks open in a deluge.

A piercing pain overwhelms me

A fire begins to rage

Then I hear that voice once more.

The softness and clarity are unlike anything I have ever felt.

Her voice wraps me like a blanket

I continue to burn, but no longer in pain

“You are never alone my son. My love will always be here to support you and guide you. You are more than you can possibly imagine. You no longer need to be defined by that which you are not. Instead, surrender to that which you are.”

With those final words, a faint light begins to appear.

As it brightens, a new world appears before me.

A world that I could only have imagined

For I did not have the eyes to see

This time there is a vastness in front of me

This time I still may not know where I am going

But this time I will do it my own way.

​

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.

Emotionally Conscious Education: What’s Possible Between Adverbs and Algebra

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Chris Tydeman

I was invited by Jillian to write an article about emotionally conscious education and how our current school system supports or does not support it.  I am a third grade teacher.  My experience for several years has always been with children between the ages of 7-11.  An age I feel is ripe for setting a foundation for the turbulent world of the middle school years.  In this age range, children are more open to be honest and receptive to authentic emotional guidance.  If they like their teacher and see them as a real human being rather than an authority figure alone, they will “hear” us rather than just listen (if we are lucky!).  In this case, “hearing” is an aspect of feeling what I am saying.  You feel me?

I spend many hours a day with a population of children who come from a wide range of family dynamics. I chose not say cultural or economic dynamics because both of those, in my opinion, are included within the family dynamic as a whole.  At this age, they are beginning to form the early stages of their relationship to the outside world.  Their assumptions and feelings of themselves and others begin to take shape.  These formations are greatly impacted by their family dynamic.  If a child is neglected emotionally at home, they come to school depressed, angry, or needy.  What they need more than math is love.  More than cursive, is a place where they feel safe to express themselves.  Others come with a “what’s in it for me?” formation.  What they need is to feel empathy for others and the joy received from lending a helping hand or an encouraging word.

As a teacher, we call these “teachable moments”.  Unfortunately, they are not units or even lessons.  Just moments.  As someone who is becoming emotionally conscious, I find it my desire to be as authentic as I possibly can.  Just doing that, I hope to provide a model for being an authentic human being, not a robot.  If all teachers could be that, it would begin a shift toward an authentic respect from the students.  They would “buy” into us.  From that point, I try to provide a space where the students feel comfortable to express themselves in a way they ache for.  To be heard, understood, and felt.  Not judged or punished.  I let them know they can come to me if they need to.  The more students feel comfortable with me, the more willing they are to share.  It is imperative I be there “with” them during these times or I lose that trust.  When they do come, it is a great time to get the children to express their feelings.  This takes a long time, as it is foreign to them and to most of us.

During the school day, I have my students applaud other students for being brave at sharing their writing or math problem.  This hopefully supports and acknowledges self-worth.  When they have to cooperate, I must continually act out how they can respectfully communicate and how to bridge differences.  This is REALLY hard!  Probably the most difficult lesson to teach.  Their opinions of each other are so definitive that it is a challenge to deal with sometimes.  But with any challenge comes opportunity.  However, by this time, most teachers are so emotionally drained themselves, we lose our own patience.  It is a daily workout, but one that can bring the gift of a child hugging you for no reason other than the desire to show you that they love you.

As I began to write this, I was prepared to conclude that emotionally conscious education is a false hope.  But after reflecting on what happens on a daily basis, I feel it is possible and have experienced myself in moments.  For it to truly have legs, there would need to be more emotionally conscious teachers and administrators.  The curriculum doesn’t need to change, just our relationship to ourselves and our students.  It is possible because emotionally conscious education is what can happen in the moments between adverbs and algebra.

Note from Jillian: Children represent the young parts of ourselves. In loving and feeling them (whatever our role in their life is), we are also loving these young part of ourselves. Also, the more we create an emotionally conscious relationship with young parts of ourselves through journaling and having them felt by us and during sessions, the more our self love overflows to the children in our lives. Chris, who is engaged with the SoulFullHeart process, is growing in capacity to love and feel his parts, which opens up his heart to feel and care for his students in a deeper and more emotionally authentic way  beyond just teaching them academics. What shifts internally impacts our external world as well.

​Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.