Category: Romance

Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

Day 28

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Kathleen and how you are impacted.

S:  ‘Impacted’ sounds like a car crash.

C:  Okay.  Affected then.

S:  That sounds a little better.

C:  What comes up when I ask that?

S:  I feel like if I say something it may land in a way I didn’t intend.

C:  Sounds like management.

S:  Yeah.  You’re right.  I need to let you handle that one.  Old habits.

C:  This is what this is all about Simon.  Healing what prevents us from giving and receiving love.

S:  Okay.  My leading edge enjoys having someone around for you to relate to.  Someone for you to express love and feel love.  I enjoy that a part of her is similar to me.  Someone who gets why I am the way I am.  We can be that way together sometimes and get things done.  We also laugh at the same stuff and that is cool.  It’s like having a good friend around to share things with and do stuff with.

C:  That feels sweet, Simon.  I can feel your resonance with a part of her.  That feels like it affects you in a very good way.

S:  Yeah it does.  I feel like I can relate to someone.  I have always cordoned myself off from other people because of my fear of intimacy.  Like I can hang out for so long and then I need to get away to prevent getting too close.

C:  What would happen if you got ‘too close’?

S:  I feel like I would get exposed, become vulnerable to conflict which, as we talked about earlier, feels uncomfortable to me from my past experiences with my parents and past relationships.

C:  While I feel that is true on one level, I can’t also help to feel that is in service to the fear of something deeper.

S:  Like what?

C:  Maybe you are afraid of love itself.

S:  Hmmm.  I’m confused.

C:  Your experience of ‘love’ is skewed and jaded from your past experiences.  You really don’t know what true love is, do you?

S:  I don’t think I do, Christopher.  Love has always been felt as a struggle, a responsibility.  This is what I got from my parents.  I can feel how that was turned upside down with Jillian, but then it found its way there again, as if what was being offered by her was too much for me to accept as real.

C:  Well, don’t put that all on you, Simon.  Remember, it is a two-way street, but I can feel how you were conditioned to relate to love in that way.  There may be lifetimes in that conditioning.  I drew Jillian, and now Kathleen, for the purpose of experiencing real love that is “upside down”, as you said, from what you experienced in order to heal that conditioning.  To heal it into its right side up position.

S:  That makes sense.  I feel some sadness in never feeling real love transact between my parents.  I can feel how I ached for that feeling.  I couldn’t feel it in my friends’ parents either.  It was just the way it was.  I feel like I gave up on real love.  Like it doesn’t exist.

C:  Haven’t you felt it between Jillian and Wayne?  In session with Jillian and Wayne?  When Raianna was born?  On your wedding day?  In moments between me and Kathleen?

S:  Yes, Christopher.  I feel it now.  Thank you.  Ugh!  Why is my heart so buried, Christopher?  Why am I so afraid of something so beautiful and powerful?

C:  Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves, Simon.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

S:  I want to feel that love more, Christopher.

C:  I do too, Simon.

S:  As you were typing, I could also feel how my need to be solo is based on feeling like I never had my own space, my own choices.  I was always responding to someone or something else.  When Raianna moved, I felt that it was finally my time to live life on my terms only to continue to create more relationships to others rather than myself.  When you moved here, I felt like that possibility was gone.  I can admit that I threw a monkey wrench in your relationship to Kathleen.

C:  I feel why you did that, Simon.  I was not present enough to feel you at that time.

S:  I know, Christopher.  I am just walking this out.  I feel your desire for a mate.  I feel a desire to feel real love, and that is through you that I get it.  I can admit that I worry I won’t get that if you are with another person.

C:  You have every reason to believe that, Simon.  I have to prove myself to you each and every day that I will be here for you and give you the real love you need and deserve.  I love you with all my heart and you are the most important part of me.

S:  Thanks, Christopher.  That goes in deep.  My tears are for all the times I never felt that as a child.  Thank you for helping me to remember all the other times I felt real love.  It is out there.  It exists.  I just want more of it.

C:  Then you shall receive it because you are worthy of it.

S:  Still hard for me sometimes.

C:  Never said it would be easy.

S:  I am tired all of a sudden.

C:  That was a lot, Simon.  Let us rest up for Raianna’s visit so we can let in more love.

S:  Okay.  Sounds good.

C:  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.

C:  Seriously?  In this tender moment?

S:  : P

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

Day 26-

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  Since I am exploring a relationship again, I wanted to talk about vulnerability and conflict, as those were difficult to access the last time we were in one.

S:  Don’t you have to go Christmas shopping?

C:  Simon…

S:  Clean the RV?

C:  > : {

S:  Clip your toenails?

C:  Simon!

S:  Ugh!  I know.  We are in conflict right now.

C:  Why is that?

S:  I am avoiding the discussion.  Sorry.  I feel how this is important for us to have even though I feel like I have been here many times.

C:  Why do you feel it is important?

S:  Because conflict is important to our growth, especially me.  It has been a lifelong struggle.  Maybe even these past lives you talk about.

C:  What is the struggle about?

S:  Being vulnerable with a feeling and then either hurting someone’s heart or getting a defensive kick back.  One leaves me feeling guilty, the other hurt.

C:  Tell me more.

S:   I can feel how my templating for conflict was unhealthy.  My parents fought and left me feeling unsafe.  I didn’t like how it felt in my body.  It stayed there because they never really talked to me about it or it was never resolved between them.

C:  So you learned how to diffuse conflict so you didn’t have to reactivate that feeling inside.

S:  I guess so.

C:  This wounding feels like Peter to me.  Do you feel you are protecting him?

S:  Hmmm, I suppose so.  I feel how that is true.

C:  Peter?  Would you like to talk to me for a bit?

Peter:  I guess.  What about?

C:  Your mommy and daddy when you were a boy.

P:  What about them, Christopher?

C:  How did you feel when they fought?

P:  Scared.  They scared me, Christopher.  They yelled and broke things sometimes.  I just put my head under the pillow.

C:   I am so sorry, Peter.  You didn’t get any comfort from them afterward, did you?

P:   I don’t remember, Christopher.  I just remember being scared.

C:   When I get in a conflict how do you feel?

P:  I get scared again.  Like bad things gonna happen.  I just remember what I felt like and I don’t like it.

C:  Do I feel different from your mommy and daddy?

P:  Yeah.

C:  Do you trust that I would talk to you about it afterward?

P:  I think so.

C:  I pinkie swear that I will talk with you about whatever happens so you feel better about it okay, Peter?

P:  Okay.  I believe you, Christopoopoo.

C:  Good.  That makes me happy, Peter.  I will take care of you my little magical man.

P:  I’m not a man, silly.  Geez.  You need your glasses fixed.

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, Peter.  I love you.

P:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.  Hehehehe!

C:  : )  You still with me, Simon?

S:  Yep.

C:  So I feel like this will be good to help you let go of a responsibility to care take Peter.

S:  I do too.

C:  I want to focus on the image of conflict, seeing how you are my self-image part.

S:  Okay.  I feel like in a conflict I am afraid of becoming like my father.  Explosive.  I can feel how that would scare Peter.  Then that explosiveness would scare and hurt the other and that reminds me of my mother.

C:  So there is a lot going on here in the trauma in both you and Peter.  Do you feel that I would get explosive and hurtful?

S:  No, not in the way my father did.  I feel how I still hold a lot of anger toward both of them in the way they held themselves in conflict.  There is just no healthy template.

C:  What about Wayne and Jillian?

S:  Yeah.  That was good to be a part of.  I could still feel some Peter fear that I was holding onto that was coming from a mom and dad projection.  But feeling how Wayne still held love in his heart and Jillian not crumbling helped to feel how it can be different from my past experience.

C:  Yes.  That is the where we can be different.  I can bring a vulnerability without feeling like I am knocking down a house of cards, and respond with spine AND heart that is grounded in love, not animosity.  Even if the conflict leads to hurt feelings, there is enough of us to own that and heal that together.  This is a whole new way of experiencing conflict.

S:  I’ll say.  I never felt the love in conflict before.

C:  No you haven’t.  At least not until Jillian and Wayne.  It’s is going to mean you leaning into me, Simon, and trusting I can handle it.  I can feel how you are eager to heal that fear so you can be more relational, less hidden.

S:  Yeah.  I do feel tired of sticking my head in the sand.

C:  I feel like we just scratched the surface on this.  I would like to continue this later with you.  I want to spend time with Kathleen.  Is that okay with you?

S:  Yeah.  I would like to get into this more as well.

C:  Really?  Don’t you have some budgeting to do?

S:  Christopher….

C:  Dishes to wash?

S:  > : {

C:  Errands to run?

S:  Wise ass.

C:  Love you…

S:  : /  Love you, too…

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Day 22

I can feel how there is this compartment inside me that puts love in one box and soul purpose in another.  Like they haven’t been compatible before.  So my daemon is trying to remind me that along with love there is also something pressing my soul to feel on a global level.  They both can be compatible.

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.

Mother:  Blessings, Christopher.  I feel the world in your heart in this moment.

C:  Yes, it is.  Since my existential exchange with Simon, I was drawn back to reading The Hope by Andrew Harvey.  I opened to his description of the Dark Night of the Soul, both individually and collectively.  This led me to a part about the state of the world and how we are all, on some level, in a state of disbelief.  I could feel that in myself.  That I can get how we, as a human family, are on the edge of a big transformation, the likes we haven’t seen in our current consciousness.  Or is it?  I need some flushing out of this to feel my heart.

M:  I am so touched about your desire to feel the plight of your brothers and sisters, the animals, and the Earth.  I want to feel that with you, Christopher.  But let’s feel together what that might be covering.

C:  Hmmmm.  Okay.

M:  I don’t doubt for one second you have an authentic heart about this.  I just want it to be clean and real.

C:  Yes.  As do I.

M:  Good.  You have started a new relationship, correct?

C:  Yes.

M:  What can your heart tell me about that?

C:  When I feel my heart, I feel joy when I am next to her.  I feel like I am with someone who sees me, feels my genuine heart.  I feel like I am a King, or at least inspired to be a King.  I feel a woman who will challenge me to my bigness.  There will be conflict in that, but I want to be in that with her to bring that out.  Not just for me, but for her too.  For both of us.  I feel we could be growth mates.  Uncovering, discovering, supporting, challenging, grounding, flying, collaborating, and inspiring.  That is what my soul felt when we first got together, but we were just not ready.  I want to explore this with her and see where we go together.

M:  I feel your leading edge in that Christopher.  It is solid and loaded with spine.  You have a King in you, my son.  I know, because it is your destiny, this life or the next.  But what about your trailing edge?

C:  Right.  The part of me that hid most of the time when we were last together.  I feel my trailing edge will have reactions to the challenges and the intensity.  This is still new to Simon.  A relationship that is not based in codependence, good girlfriend/ good boyfriend, or ignoring emotional truths.  I want to advocate for him and make sure I have enough of me this time that he feels he can be honest and I will be there.  He felt he needed to take care of a part of her last time.  This time he feels she is holding and taking care of that part.  I feel him not wanting to feel that again and will say something.  Last time there was this feeling of “pressure” in making it work because of a fantastical projection we both put on each other.  That manifested in the idea of marriage.  That was felt as a heavy weight to Simon, who was going through so much life change at the time, and didn’t have any me to lean into.

M:  And now he does.

C:  I think so.  I hope so.

M:  Do you feel so?

C:  Yes, Mother.  I do.

M:  I do too, Christopher.  I don’t know where this goes either.  It is co-created between you both.  You be you and she be her.  Lead with your King’s heart and spine, but most importantly with your trailing edge vulnerability.  This is what makes a real man.

C:  Yes, Mother.  I want to be a real man, so does Simon.

M:  I have nothing but trust that you will be all that you are and become more of that in the process of this exploration of love.  Don’t forget that what may feel like a push off a cliff is just a way to get you to fly.  Real love is not just a walk in the park.

C:  Yes, Mother.  I get that now.  Thank you.  I will always try to remember that.  So, I have to ask, why did we go here from the state of the world?

M:  I will have you answer that.  Why do you feel I did?

C:  Let’s see.  I could feel I was in my head a bit.  What better way to get to my heart than to talk about love.

M:  True.  What else?

C:  Hmmm.  I can feel how maybe a part of me is feeling nervous about this exploration and could be covering that over with big issues to keep me from feeling vulnerable.  I also just felt that my daemon is using it as a means to communicate with me.  I can feel how there is this compartment inside me that puts love in one box and soul purpose in another.  Like they haven’t been compatible before.  So my daemon is trying to remind me that along with love there is also something pressing my soul to feel on a global level.  They both can be compatible.  Jillian and Wayne have shown that.

M:  It all comes down to desire.

C:  Yes it does.  I feel romance desire and soul purpose desire at the same time.  This is a good thing but also very new and uncharted in my history.  These two are meant to blend, and I want them to blend.

M:  Sacred Union

C:  Yes.  Wow.  Okay.  My eyes are getting googly from the screen and I have to eat.  This was a different conversation than I thought it would be.

M:  You thought I was predictable?

C:  Maybe a part of me did.  He knows better now.

M:  Go eat, my human son.  That is a sacred act as well.  We will speak soon.

C:  Okay.  Thank you, Mother.

M:  My honour, my love.  Thank you for being you and taking this unknown journey.

C:  : )  and  : /

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Day 20

Your soul has chosen a path of a journey back to itself.  It cannot be bothered by worry.  That stops its desire for real love in its tracks.  As you have been learning, love is a flow of energy that cannot and will not be stopped.  It is what moves all things.  It is what grows all things.  When you align your heart to your soul’s natural state you are in the flow of Divine Love.  You are in my Heart.

Christopher:  Hello, Mother.  I have a lot in my field today and it felt important to connect with you and have my parts listen in.

Mother:  I am so honoured to do so, my noble son, bearer of the Christ.

C:  You don’t start off lightly do you?

M:  I start off where you need me.

C:  Hmmm…why with the meaning of my name?

M:  To set in place a reminder of who you are.  Your soul is meant for great things.

C:  I just wanted to talk about trust.

M:  Do you trust me?

C:  I feel I do.  My parts may still not be too sure.

M:  I just need you, Christopher, in the moment.

C:  Okay.

M:  I set the bar where it lies naturally.  I know your parts look at that and worry and fret that it is “too high”.  But it is not their bar.  It is yours, my love.

C:  Okay.

M:  Your soul has chosen a path of a journey back to itself.  It cannot be bothered by worry.  That stops its desire for real love in its tracks.  As you have been learning, love is a flow of energy that cannot and will not be stopped.  It is what moves all things.  It is what grows all things.  When you align your heart to your soul’s natural state you are in the flow of Divine Love.  You are in my Heart.

C:  That sounds beautiful and magical.  I want to experience that more and more.

M:  You can and you will, but it is a choice and a process and a willingness to be…?

C:  Vulnerable.

M:  Yes, my dear Christopher.  Trust can only be felt when one is willing to be vulnerable with the fear of not having it.

C:  Simon feels so much concern around all the pieces of this new world we are transitioning into.

M:  This new world will always be shifting and changing.  You must hold and feel him through all of this or else it will be crazy-making to him.

C:  I completely feel what you are saying.  This new way of living and being in the world will be quite different than the one he created for himself in this life.

M:  And new love too, correct?

C:  Yes, absolutely.  A new way of being with a woman that is not about avoiding vulnerability but leading with it.

M:  Do you feel how much that is for Simon?

C:  I most certainly do, Mother.  I can’t know anything with certainty.  Where I am going to be in six months or where Kathleen and I will be either.  I just have my desire.  My desire to live into love, breathe it in, teach me, move me, help me grow.  My desire to take that love when it is in overflow and give to others, through passionate compassion.

M:  I love hearing you say “when it is in overflow”.  It is so easy for some to give love away when they don’t have it themselves.  I want all my children to fill up their cups and THEN give to others with their whole being. Not out of guilt or obligation, which is just false “love” in the form of caretaking one’s lack of love in their own cup.

C:  That feels good to hear from you, Mother.  A part of me would have considered that selfish in the past.

M:  Then tell this part to be the most selfish being in the world.

C:   You just did.

M:  What are feeling Christopher?

C:  I am feeling charged.  I am feeling you in my heart.  I am feeling an excitement to flow into trust when I hold my desires and feel my fears.

M:  I love feeling that, my son.  I feel Magdalene wanting to speak to you before you go.

C:  Oh, okay.  Hello, Magdalene.  I pretty much know what you would like to talk about.

Magdalene:  Oh, yes.  I was with you and Kathleen all day yesterday!  Yummy!

C:  Hahaha!  Yes it was, wasn’t it?

M:  I wanted to tell you that you are a true King and Lover.  You held her so tenderly but with fire and passion in all the right places.  ; )

C:  Uh…thanks, Magdalene.  I am really touched by that.  I have my trailing edge triggers from our last incarnation together, but when I place them next to what I felt yesterday, they seem to subside.  We are so different together in one way, yet the same in another.

M:  What is real between you two will find its way, Christopher. You cannot hide or sequester the feelings you have for her, or place them in some rational box.  They are alive, bursting at the seams!  Literally!

C:  Magdalene!  Lol!  Simon has just run into the room and put his head under the pillows.

M:  Awww…I am sorry, Simon.  I can’t help myself.  I get all juiced up when love is being explored.

C:  I guess!

M:  Be vulnerable, my love.  She is worth it and so are you.  I don’t know where you two are going, but what matters is where you are at.  Feel your heart with hers.  If something comes up, bring it up.  No more hiding.  No more protecting.

C:  Yes, Magdalene.  I feel Angela will help me with that.

M:  Sweet, Angela.  She needs your heart too.

C:  Yes, she does.

M:  I am dancing to the sound of sweet love in the air.  This is a magical time, Christopher.

C:  Yes it is.  I am excited to be with it in each arising moment.

M:  My heart is with both of you.

C:  Ours is with you too.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Day 19

Be nothing less than what you are.  I want to feel that in you.  Simon wants it.  Kathleen wants it.  Jillian and Wayne want it.  The world needs it.

Christopher:  Good morning, Angela.  (Angela wanted this name instead of Angelica as she said to me it didn’t fit her.)

Angela:  Good morning, Casanova.

C:  What?  Oh, you are referring to Kathleen.  I wouldn’t quite go with Casanova.  That sounds…wait, you are teasing me like we did to Simon.  I felt him react to that name as an image thing, like it is a sleazy thing.

A:  You are far from sleazy, Simon.  And btw, when are you going to loosen up?  Can’t a girl have some fun around here?

Simon:  Good morning, Angela.  I am very literal.  I would like to loosen that up.

A:  Your co-pilot tie is a little tight.

S:  Lol!  Yeah, I guess it is.

A:  I felt you two days ago having a hard time digesting Christopher’s feelings for Kathleen.

S:  Yeah, I did.  We worked through it yesterday a bit.

A:  I wanted you to know that I could feel your heart wanting to be honest even though you were struggling with what that “meant”.  I can feel your heart even in your anxiety and fear.  You have been so conditioned to make sense of the world that just flowing with your feelings is really hard.  But I want you to know, Simon, I can feel it even when you don’t think you do.

S:  Wow.  Thank you, Angela.  That really feels good to know you feel that from me.

A:  A woman wants an open heart above all.  I can feel this fear of hurting someone and being judged for it if you did.

S:  How do you know all this stuff?

A:  I have ears and a heart, too, Simon.

S:  I am still getting used to others being in the room and knowing what is going on.

A:  You can’t hide from me.  ; )

S:  I don’t want to anyway.

A:  Awwww…that was sweet.  Thank you.

S:  : )

A:  Are you afraid that Christopher might not talk to you anymore?

S:  Yeah.  Sometimes.  That is what happened last time, but we didn’t really know each other that well.  I had just been discovered and a lot was going on that didn’t give us much time to differentiate.

A:  Are you afraid?

S:  Yes.

A:  I just want your heart, Simon, not your understanding.

S:  Okay, Angela.  I hope he still keeps talking to me.  I have faith in him that he will.

A:  I do too, Simon.

S:  What about you?

A:  I trust him too, but I still feel a little jealous.

Christopher:  I can feel how that would come up, Angela.  We have not journaled nearly as much as me and Simon.

A:  Thank you for feeling that, Christopher.  I feel like I can be of some assistance in your exploration.

C:  I do too, but I also want to feel your heart as well.  Your joy as well as your pain.

A:  I can feel that, Christopher.  Thank you.  There is so much going on for you but I know you will rise to it, my King.

C:  Whoa.  That sent a jolt through me.  Thank you.

A:  Be nothing less than what you are.  I want to feel that in you.  Simon wants it.  Kathleen wants it.  Jillian and Wayne want it.  The world needs it.

C:  I will, Angela.  I will do my very best.  I want you to know too, Simon, that I will promise to keep feeling you.

S:  I believe you.

C:  And you too, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel:  Thank you, Christopher.  I needed to hear that.  We will speak soon.  We have a lot to feel into.

C:  Yes we do, Nathaniel.  I love you all and will continue to do so.  I know this was short but we will chat later.

A:  Have fun, Casanova. ; )

S:  Don’t embarrass me.  ; )

A:  Simon, will you hang out with me today?

S:  I would like that, Angela.

C:  Mmmm…hmmmm.

S:  Zip it.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Day 18

Christopher’s Note: This journaling with my self-image part, Simon, comes after an experience of withholding authentic feelings for an ex-mate from Jillian and Wayne.  This part of me was projecting fear of judgement onto them and trying to “figure out” whether these feelings were authentic or not.  I fused with this fear and projection and was eventually lovingly confronted about the withhold from two people that have become more my friends than facilitators.  It is also about questions around my arising attraction and heart connection with Kathleen, with whom he had a previous relationship with.

That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.  

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.  Back to pen and paper.  I like this.

C:  Me, too, Simon.  Back to our roots.  How are you feeling this morning after yesterday?

S:  I feel lighter, but still have a tinge of guilt and anxiety.

C:  What is the guilt?

S:  Not trusting the feelings you had were “authentic” and projecting my fears onto Jillian and Wayne.

C:  What fears are those?

S:  Of what you were feeling is “right” or “wrong” and being called out on that.  What gets me is that they have never done that, yet I still project it.  That frustrates me.

C:  First, it does make sense in the way that they are facilitators to you.  That can trigger parental projection.  Second, I am the one that needed to process that with you.  I “left the room” on this one I am sorry.

S:  Thank you, Christopher.  It is hard for me still to let go of this need to feel responsible.

C:  The more I am responsive to my needs and yours, the less you will feel that way.  You spent so many years feeling responsible and managing perceptions that it won’t heal overnight.  I need to be there for you, show up for you, to help that along.  It will be a lifelong process.

S:  I guess I am impatient and just want to be a perfect person, without the vulnerable crucibles.

C:  That is the plight of all wounded selves, isn’t it?  If they can somehow manage perfection then they have found the Holy Grail of invulnerability.  However, the truth is that the Holy Grail IS vulnerability that leads to being real which leads to real love.  Perfection is a way to avoid real love.

S:  Whoa.  That just spun my head around again.  So opposite to my conditioning.  Perfection meant adoration with meant love, but now I see how that “love” was manufactured and not based on any real truth or feeling.

C:  Yes.  That conditioning can only be unwound by living into vulnerability.  I wanted to say, Simon, that when confronted with love by Jillian you were a vulnerable flood.  You didn’t hold back, defend, or back track.  You owned and admitted .  This is a process of feeling our way to being vulnerable in real time.  You felt it in your gut and it was my responsibility to relieve you of that and I didn’t.

S:  That means a lot to me, Christopher.  Thank you.

C:  You are welcome, Simon.  Our crucible in this phase of our life is to be vulnerable, not perfect.  Messy not clean.  Porous not congested.  But I lead that, not you.

S:  Okay.

C:  You mentioned anxiety earlier.  Would you tell me more about that?

S:  I feel the anxiety comes from past experience with Kathleen and all that I went through at that time.  The feeling of you not leading and me being the one “doing” the relationship on top of all the changes that were taking place.

C:  I can feel the trauma you have from that time, Simon.  Tell me more.

S:  It was intense. Too much for me to hold.  A part of her was intense and I could only react by managing.  I didn’t have a spine to lean into.  I felt responsible for her.

C:  Do you feel any of that now?

S:  No.  Not really.  I feel you here with me more.  Your spine.  I don’t feel the intensity and need for a caretaker in her anymore.  She has changed a lot since then.

C:  There is a lot that has moved and grown within us.  There are going to be things that come up from that time, Simon, and it is important I out those so you don’t get put into a suffering loop.  It is also important so Kathleen and I can find out who and what we really are.

S:  I know.  I need to lean into you and trust everyone more.  Why do I get this sense of deja vu?

C:  Well, it was one year ago this month Kathleen and I began our romance.

S:  Well, yeah, that too.  I just meant this conversation about trusting.

C:  It is a constant feeling spiral, Simon.  We will come back here again, but each time we grow and learn.

S:  Still getting used to that.

C:  You and me both.  Before we end, I wanted to you to know that Kathleen and I can only feel our way into whatever it is we are exploring.  There are no absolutes, regardless of our future living scenario.  I feel my heart, she feels hers, we feel ours together.  Then the next day we do it all over again.  The one thing that is absolute is that you will always be the most important part of me, Simon.  I will always be here advocating for what you need, the very best I can.  I love you.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is going in.  I believe you.  I do.  One day.  Today.  I need to remember that.  I love you, too.

C:  Now, it is time for me to go pick up a beautiful woman and escort her to the ferry.

S:  You gonna kiss her?

C:  Oh hell yes.  I get a heart-on.

S:  I cannot believe you just said that.  You know that is a double entendre!

C:  If Yeshua can say it, so can I.

S:  Oh boy.  Why do I feel like you are going to embarrass me?

C:  It’s because I love you and you need it.

S:  >:{

C:  ; )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.