Author: Raphael Awen

 

 

By Wayne Vriend

Fully feel every fear contraction. Let the fear be felt, held and loved, and thereby transmuted into true courage that can choose new love.

Wayne – Hey, Yeshua. Jillian just asked me if all the typing noise was me talking to you. I told her it wasn’t and then I realized how much I miss our connection.

Yeshua – Interesting how women can ask questions that are more than curiosity, huh?

W – Sometimes maddening, but only to the part of me stuck on staying small.

Y – What’s rocking your world?

W – You mean my cradle?

Y – What do I mean?…you tell me.

W – Well, it feels like a lot going through the pipe right now as we plan to leave in October to Mexico with a busy spell of painting contracts this past few weeks as we gather resources. Last night, I had this lucid dream about falling in love, and in it I was explaining the difference between falling in love and choosing real love, still based on deep desire, of course. I think the dream has something to do with Mexico.

Y – Now, there’s a great picture. People talk about the magic of falling in love, as if it is an unexpected accident; something they don’t choose. If they get a bit more meta-physical about it, then they suppose that love chose them. But, in both scenarios, their picture is that they were not the ones taking action. The only problem is that to follow the ‘I had nothing to do with falling in love’ picture is that a whole bunch of choices are coming straight at them. They are going to need to have a whole lot to do with the love for it to flourish or to die.

W – But, I still like the feeling of surprise that new love brings, like something that came out of nowhere.

Y – Being in life is being in love. Love moves every cell in the universe, and love moves every universe in the cell. It’s all love through and through. The feeling of surprise is just part of the juice of the game of renewed trust that invites us and encourages us to let in another big gulp of that love.

W – But then, for most people, the magic of romance seems to wear off.

Y – ‘Wears off’ is again a victim’s picture. The victim says, ‘Love surprised me by its entry and then surprised me again by its exit.’ No! You were too afraid to really let yourself consciously dream of your next phase of letting in love and how that might look and how you might cooperate responsibly to begin preparing for that. You needed to moderate love’s flow into a toned down picture of leaving yourself out of it. The same goes for seeing love’s ebb as something outside of yourself.

W – So, what does your picture look like in contrast?

Y – As you get more and more in shape heart-wise, you begin to accept more and more that you are love’s experiment.

W – Experiment?

Y – I know what you’re thinking. That ‘experiment’ is a bad word because many experiments fail. But love never fails. Love keeps its heart open in any circumstance. It is only in this way that love can come to know itself. The cool thing is that love is fixated on knowing itself in and through you. It wants to keep bringing you new love deals that feel like falling in love. It’s always up to the individual if they want it or not.

W – Usually it’s not a question of if they want it or not. It’s a question of if they want what comes with it or not.

Y – Exactly. Good point.

W – Thank you. Talking with you, for instance, comes with a bunch of challenges.

Y – Whadda you mean, man?!

W – Love always leads to choice. Choices always test the limits of our courage, challenge our identity, and challenge our current cradle.

Y – You saying that I do that?

W – I’m saying that you always advocate for letting in my next piece as courageously as I can.

Y – Okay, that I do do.

W – That you do do.

Y – do-do.

W – do-do.

Y – This is the essential do-do of life. Life begets life. Life moves.

W – And then we try to arrest it somehow, make it more stationary and predictable.

Y – And that’s all because we cannot accept that life is not afraid of death, but instead embraces death as love’s and life’s never ending opening to love.

W – But that takes some serious being in heart shape to dance with.

Y – Yes it does. The divine doesn’t want you to self destruct or suffer but at the same time, the divine won’t fret too much over your choices to stay stuck. It knows that love never fails.

W – It just has a longer term picture than we do.

Y – It takes the time it takes.

W – And we have nothing but time.

Y – Time to experiment and be in love.

W – I want more love.

Y – But that requires leaving the cradle of security that you currently know.

W – And choosing that… as in planning to give up my geography, my language, my livelihood, and this paradise of living beside the ocean and a forest and a creek definitely has its ebbs and flows of excitement and desire and, then, contractions.

Y – And all you are asked to do is fully feel every contraction. Let the fear be felt and held and loved. It is only as a fear is felt that it can be transmuted into true courage that can choose new love and all that it asks you to choose.

W – So then, it’s natural for me to give up something really good for something that isn’t a sure deal.

Y – It’s natural for what was a sure deal to lose its luster as it invites you to choose again. The luster fades as part of the invitation. You staying in a geography that has been a heaven to you can turn it into a hell. All the moralizing about ‘blooming where you are planted’ won’t change that.

W – And this is what leaves me inside of love’s essence…choosing what life is bringing me next.

Y – It really is that simple. Life always changes. It’s up to you to go along or not.

W – And if we don’t go along……

Y – You suffer, but love doesn’t really. Love moves. Suffering is a static state that doesn’t move. Suffering is chosen by the soul as a way to remain in stasis while more courage is cultivated to reenter the flow.

W – And whole new heavens await if we move with love.

Y – They so do.

W – From do do to so do.

Y – That’s what’s rocking your cradle, a newer and better cradle.

W – Why would we ever substitute materialism for this?

Y – This is the real ‘mater’ of materialism. Mother is derived from the word Mater. Mother realism.

W – Whoa. So I am moving from what we call materialism to ‘Motherialism.’

Y – And Mother wants to meet (realize) your ‘material’ needs.

W – I just need to let that in some more.

Y – Let your current cradle tip over into the next one.

W – And become very ‘Motherialistic.’

Y – Let Mother be your reality.

W – Okay, I’ll be a few days digesting that.

Y – Yes, you will.

In this blog series, Mission To Me Journal, Wayne Vriend shares his unedited and vulnerable journal conversations with Yeshua, who he experiences as an ascended teacher energy available to everyone.These blogs offer Wayne’s process and digestions with Yeshua as he undergoes internal and external preparation to hit the road with his wife Jillian and Christopher Tydeman to explore and eventually settle in Mexico and/or Central America in October 2014 to offer service and be in eco-conscious community. Read 90 Days With Yeshua: Modern Message From An Ascended Teacher and Ending The Money Madness With Wayne And Yeshua for more enlightening conversations between Wayne and Yeshua.

 

By Wayne Vriend

The wonder of being a small child has been crowded out by what we learned (posessed) and replaced with duty, obligation and entitlement.

Wayne – Yeshua, Good Morning? Are your ears on?

Yeshua – Always on, my man.

W – I like it when you call me that…:)

Y – Good! What’s up, my man?

W – I’d like to ask you about learning.

Y – You never get enough do you? We talked about that already, didn’t we?

W – Yeah, but I forgot it all.

Y – Well, how am I supposed to learn you anything if you can’t remember?

W – The fun was in learning, and going ‘wow,’ so I figured if I forgot it all, then I could have fun relearning it. I got that from you actually. Forgetting shit is what leads to being re-membered.

Y – See that, you are learning.

W – Learning to know how to be in not knowing.

Y – And THAT is what tickets you into the theatre of real learning which is always and ever beholding wonder. Wonder by definition is not knowing. Canned knowledge, the kind that most peddle in schools, is learning stripped of wonder.

W – How do I get back to being in wonder, then? I know I suffer from the deadness you are referring to.

Y – Like any other learning, you hold the quest of the question, and see that you can never own or be entitled to any knowing, you can only and ever humbly be a partaker of the wonder, and temporarily at that.

W – Whoa…

Y – And realize that all knowledge is born of not knowing and eventually returns to being forgotten, which is to renunciate (for-get) ownership of the knowledge that was gotten.

W – Knowledge will cease…

Y – Yes, in order to let die what is dying and make way for new wonder.

W – So how do I apply that to say, my spanish studies, is what I’d like to know? By the way, Yeshua, I can so feel the part of me invested in this conversation who feels like a late teenager but is so wanting to learn and grow and make his life count.

Y – Hello to that part of you, Wayne. I recall him as Marvin, yes?

W – Yes, Marvin says ‘Hey Yeshua.’ I think I’ll just let him in on this conversation.

Y – Hey Marvin, I’m liking your desire to be in wonder.

Marvin – Thanks, Yeshua.

Y – What would you say about what we are talking about?

M – I’m feeling how the wonder of being a small child has been forgotten and crowded out by what we learned in school and how getting back to aliveness is about unlearning, not more learning, at least in the way we’ve related to learning.

Y – That says it in a really cool way. And it says how even the essence of childlike wonder is forgotten, but its imprint remains and calls to us.

M – Which is what I want to get back to.

Y- Why?

M – Because it’s boring and dead to be removed from wonder.

Y – Here’s a secret, you don’t need to go back to anything. Nature doesn’t work that way.

M – Huh?

Y – You can get to where you want to be by going forward.

M – That sounds good, but how do I do that?

Y – The childlike wonder gave rise to canned knowledge and to adultlike duty and obligation and entitlement that crowded out the wonder, right?

M – Exactly.

Y – So duty,obligation, and entitlement killed the wonder. Feel the deadness of what you once treasured, how it feels so hopeless to ever return to wonder. That is being in the deadness, which is never dead as we think of it. Death is always alchemical and transmutational. The compost heap of yesterday’s knowledge wants to transmute into the rich and vital organic soil of new wonder.

M – Forgetting in order to be re-membered…

Y – …into never ending wonder

M – How does that relate to our spanish lessons then?

Y – Know that as you learn to speak any word or phrase in spanish, it is being given to you, entrusted, you cannot own it. You don’t actually own english. Owning is the entitled sense that you have english conquered, and thereby you killed the wonder of the experience. Instead feel how language is a collective energy of flowing, not static knowledge, that is given to those who will steward this energy. Get that down pat and you should be able to learn Spanish just fine.

M – But I need to let go of trying to capture the knowledge…

Y – Yes, that’s it. Instead seek to be the grandest host you can be for the knowledge, be a temporary steward of it in its never ending cycle of death and rebirth into more and more wonder. Knowing and not knowing.

M – But I still feel a lot of energy to possess the learning, nail it down, get ahead and all that stuff.

Y – Feel instead how learning wants to possess you. It wants to be hosted in you, animated by you. Learning and wonder can’t have its fun without you.

M – So sign up for letting wonder be reborn in me?

Y – Totally.

M – Thanks, Yeshua

Y – You’re so welcome. I so wait for the day that more folks get onto this phase of real learning. There’s so much more wonder aching to be born.

Wayne – Whoa, Marvin’s an energy all of his own. We were up late last night eating vegan chocolate ice cream and studying spanish, and then we got onto what is real learning and he wanted to talk this out with you. Between the chocolate and the excitement, it was hard getting to sleep. My head still hurts.

Y – I love that feeling of new desire leading and aching out what feels like birth contractions.

W – My aching head needs some more life space to integrate all this Yesh. I think I’ll break here.

Y – Yeah, learning is never ending and it needs life to be in it healthily.

W – Now you can’t stop.

Y – No I can’t. Wonder is so very cool. Thank you Wayne and Marvin for your desire to learn. Learning is all just desire, you know?

W – No, I don’t know, but I’ll save that for another day.

Y – Desire, set free from possessing.

W – Next day Yeshua, Okay.

Y – This is why we have cycles of days you know, to let in more wonder.

W – No I don’t know.

Y – Good!

In this blog series, Mission To Me Journal, Wayne Vriend shares his unedited and vulnerable journal conversations with Yeshua, who he experiences as an ascended teacher energy available to everyone.These blogs offer Wayne’s process and digestions with Yeshua as he undergoes internal and external preparation to hit the road with his wife Jillian and Christopher Tydeman to explore and eventually settle in Mexico and/or Central America in October 2014 to offer service and conscious community. Read 90 Days With Yeshua: Modern Message From An Ascended Teacher and Ending The Money Madness With Wayne And Yeshua for more enlightening conversations between Wayne and Yeshua.

 

 

 

By Wayne Vriend

Feeling based on simple real needs and desires is what’s leading, not the complexity of conformity or inauthenticity.

When learning denies simplicity, it wonders for years in the desert of complexity.

Wayne – Good morning again, Yeshua.

Yeshua – Hey Wayne, what is moving in you?

W – Jillian and I are oceanside, up on a ridge, plenty of view through tall evergreens, great sun, finally warm and the oxygen is amazing.

Y – You noticed the oxygen?

W – I take a deep breath of it when I step outside. It’s pure and alive.

Y – So you’re breathing deeper?

W – Yeah, that’s true physically and metaphorically.

Y – Things that are true physically are true metaphorically.

W – As in?

Y – One day at a time is true physically, right?

W – Uh-huh.

Y – and it’s true metaphorically.

W – We’re getting too simple, part of me says…

Y – You can never get too simple. It’s in the simplicity that complexity is both born as well as sustained.

W – Are you taking us on a mental trip this morning?

Y – We’re only using the mental as a vehicle to probe the heart and open the heart. All learning is actually heart-based learning. All learning begins with feeling and is even sustained by feeling.

W – Wouldn’t some math students beg to differ?

Y – The math student that labors dutifully with learning and doesn’t seem to engage his heart actually has his heart deeply engaged in the process. He just isn’t aware of it. Somewhere in his heart, he has agreed that to get ahead, or to get acceptance, he must sacrifice himself to the most heartless and boring form of learning. It may look like a bunch of mental learning, but it is a human heart first that is the agency of the mind. In this case, it is a wounded heart, on life support that’s leading.

W – Whoa, you’re opening my heart right now.

Y – And what do you feel as that happens?

W – I feel desire, like a deeper breathing, a resonance with an abundant universe, like no shortage of oxygen.

Y – Simplify that a bit for me.

W – I feel good.

Y – You-feel-good. Good. You were created to feel good.

W – A feel good religion?

Y – Totally. I never claimed anything more or less.

W – You didn’t balk at the word, ‘religion’?

Y – I never challenged people’s religions, I challenged their inauthenticity with themselves. Many people are originally drawn to a religion because it made them feel really good. I just want to revive their feel good mechanism, by getting them in touch with how bad they are actually feeling.

W – That’s almost too basic, Yeshua. It’s like offensive to the sophisticated self.

Y – Real learning is soo childlike. Children are natural and complete learners.

W – I love that line of yours – ‘Allow the little children to come unto me, for such is the kingdom of heaven’.

Y – Yeah, and don’t forget the back story. It was a bunch of adults clamoring around me, and they were shushing the noisy children from interrupting their order. I had to make them feel that those childrens interruptions were actually far more in line with learning than their clamoring energy.

W – I can so feel in me a desire to de-adultize myself right now.

Y – I feel that in you and it feels good.

W – Any advice on how to bolster that?

Y – Yes, feel the difference between the pursuit of knowledge or learning or ability from this tainted adult mindset of sophisticated learning and then feel the raw curiosity that the young child has before he or she ‘learned’ to feel superior because of what they learned, which was actually their first damper on learning. Ok, that was a long sentence. What I meant to say is, feel the difference between what is meant and felt by the popular usage of the word ‘learning’, feel the bullshit in it, and then feel the young child’s curiosity, wonder. Ok, that was another long sentence. The short answer is….’feel.’

W – It’s like I can feel the feel good reality like a small child knows it and compare that with the heavily dampened adult feel good reality that is mostly a medicative mechanism.

Y – Yes, you were meant to feel good, and when you don’t feel good, that feeling is the feeling you are given to be with.

W – Like a child doesn’t always feel good?

Y – True, but don’t mistake happiness and contentment or the lack thereof with an absence of feeling.

W – Huh?

Y – The child cries when its needs are not met. It is in feeling touch with its needs, and it makes noise and scrunches up to signal that it wants something. It wants to return to feeling good, but it is still in feeling reality. Feeling based on simple real needs and desires is what’s leading, not the complexity of conformity or inauthenticity.

W – It’s like the child is in touch and so is current with their feelings. Loss or need is expressing in the present, so there isn’t pain or baggage being carried from previous undigested losses.

Y – And that, my friend, is the big dilemma that you are wrestling with in the ache to return to essence. How does one process pain so as to make it digestible?

W – Please go on…

Y – I’d like to learn for a moment here. You give me your best childlike feeling-based answer to that question. Don’t worry if your adult language gets a bit wordy.

W – Hmm, it starts with an awareness that something is limiting and enclosing me off from the quality of the oxygen I was once used to. I don’t expect that I should feel good all the time, but now I recognize that I have become OK with feeling bad. I no longer scream or scrunch up or cry. The only way through the backlog of the baggage of pain, that is the pain I chose to carry along with me, rather than feel it in the moment.

Y – I love that. Simple as that.

W – But there are entire doctorates of learning on this subject in the mental health world.

Y – When learning denies simplicity, it wonders for years in the desert of complexity.

W – Why does learning deny simplicity?

Y – Great childlike question. Why do you think it does that?

W – Well, what comes first for me is the self image grab that folks are looking for in sophistication.

Y – And why would anyone be out looking to grab onto self image?

W – Because they lack a feeling good self, as they are, that needs no image at all.

Y – And why do they lack a feeling good self?

W – Because they stopped feeling good somewhere along the way.

Y – And how did that come about?

W – I think it’s because they were threatened with conformity and fear of loss by a caregiver telling them and training them to be different than they were being.

Y – And why would a tragedy such as that occur under the pretense of care, no less?

W – Because the adult was no longer comfortable with the raw feelings of the child and misery wants company.

Y – And why would misery need company to such degree to sacrifice one’s own child for the cause?

W – Because adults are fucked. Mostly.

Y – What are you feeling as you say that?

W – I’m feeling pissed at how I was duped into giving up my reality for theirs.

Y – There’s a true learning feeling-need that wants to scream and scrunch up. Give it the oxygen that it once knew, but has ‘learned’ to do without.

W – Screaming and oxygen go together.

Y – Yes, good one. You find the scream by tracing back to where you left off the path feeling truly good, and then scream like hell every time you feel tempted to sacrifice your own truth under the barbaric guise of care.

W – Without getting hauled off to the looney bin?

Y – There’s no way to do that actually. If it’s not the literal looney bin, it’s the figurative one being excommunicated by your social world.

W – Where belonging means shutting up just like at 2 years old.

Y – What are you taking from all of this today, Wayne?

W – I so want to re-authorize, even so much more than I already have, my felt reality.

Y – And what is that?

W – My felt reality is self permission to feel and to desire.

Y – Say more.

W – Well, part of me actually is very native still to this feeling desiring world like the one I was born into, but a part of me that has regulated down this reality and judged it as unsafe. I still need to apply for permits to it to have feeling ‘events,’ rather than being simply in full time feeling reality.

Y – And why are you bringing this up on this journey blog series with me?

W – You brought this up?

Y – But you’re talking with yourself.

W – No, you’re talking with yourself.

Y – Good one. You guys are all trying to get spiritual by seeking to know and feel your divinity, while divinity is trying to get in touch with its humanity.

W – That’s kind of a mindblower.

Y – Yeah, thought so. It’s not, ‘what would Jesus do?’ It’s, ‘what would Wayne do?’ What would Wayne do if he was really in his truest human expression where no undigested pain of conformity and compliance were setting the sails?

W – Whoa, now there’s a reality I’d like to find. A back to essence journey. I don’t know the answer to that.

Y – And you know, the divine doesn’t either. It’s reading the book hoping for its money’s worth in an engaging, moving, and learning story. Stories that have stopped learning are complete. They die and return to essence and get back to their beginnings of curiosity and wonder. That’s why you are drawn to journey, Wayne. It’s renewing your lease on learning, not from a place of the power of knowing, but from a place of the wonder and magic of not knowing.

W – So what now?

Y – Breathe deep and feel.

W – But I’ve got a ton of stuff that I feel need guidance, effort, attention and decisions around this adventure that seems to be possessing me more and more.

Y – And the first order of business is deep breathing and feeling like a child does and getting back to essence because that is the entire journey in a nutshell. Everything you learn and grow in in this discovery is nothing more than that. You just need lots of varied life freed from what you’ve learned to get back to learning and to being alive.

W – Okay, there’s a good pause point, because I actually have all the time in the world.

Y – All the time in the world has you.

W – : ) Thanks, Yeshua, Not sure what that means, but I’ll let it in.

Y – Breathe in, Breathe out.

In this blog series, Mission To Me Journal, Wayne Vriend shares his unedited and vulnerable journal conversations with Yeshua, who he experiences as an ascended teacher energy available to everyone.These blogs offer Wayne’s process and digestions with Yeshua as he undergoes internal and external preparation to hit the road with his wife Jillian and Christopher Tydeman to explore and eventually settle in Mexico and/or Central America in October 2014 to offer service and conscious community. Read 90 Days With Yeshua: Modern Message From An Ascended Teacher and Ending The Money Madness With Wayne And Yeshua for more enlightening conversations between Wayne and Yeshua.