Co-Creating The World We Dare Dream For Ourselves

by Raphael Awen

It feels so strange to consider the possibility that there isn’t actually a dividing line between reality and imagination.

The imagination is kind of like the movie writer and director who did such a great job, that all they needed to do was remove the end credits, and the viewers seamlessly slipped into another timeline of reality.

Make no mistake, the reality you and I love in, personally, collectively, globally, galactically, is completely ‘made up’ and not at all ‘real’ in the sense of what we mean when we use that word. In other words, It’s a reality being generated from somewhere. Reality and imagination are just opposite ends of the same measuring stick, and that stick is essentially you, along with me and the rest of us.

We lean into and adopt a given reality as independently true when that reality is completely dependent upon the imagination that generated and continues to uphold the projection we call reality. The movie reel is the imagination. The movie projector is also the imagination. The viewer is also taking in the imagination and then co-creating and co-signing ‘reality’, which in turn spawns new imaginations, a bunch more layers of creative reality projections to support the first assumption that reality is just real, and then the illusion becomes quite watertight and we have the experience of losing our awareness that we are making all this shit up!

And if we are making all this shit up, then we can change the recipe and make big ol’ batches of heaven instead.

I can think of favorite foods and get a physiological response to happen in my body. You can too, right? I certainly can dream romantically and sexually and have that take me somewhere, quite exquisite actually. Right? So what else is yet untapped in our working knowledge of employing the imagination to create the new reality we might dare to dream?

If any of this is accurate, we may well ask yet an even deeper question; ‘What would then prevent us from assuming our power and getting on with creating the world we dare dream for ourselves, the world we dare dream for one another?’ I don’t believe it is simply a lacking of awareness of our creative power. We are ignorant of it, yes, but there’s something underneath that willful ignorance. We need something more, more than the message that we are the creators.

What I feel that ignorance and something more to really be about is our inability to bear joy and sorrow. Joy and sorrow are the open-ended extremes of being alive in polarity. You can’t have one without the other. You only find and know love to the degree you are willing to be vulnerable to losing that love. What’s so great about having a child, for instance, is the knowledge that you could lose that child, and if not to death, then simply to growing up. That’s the knowing that affords you the reverence you need to afford you truly ‘having’ in the moment. The dream of having a child truly comes alive when you feel the vulnerability and even guarantee of losing that child. We then enter the moment where all gain and loss occurs and we experience awe and reverence.

The universe doesn’t spare anyone of us with any guarantee of the present remaining unchanged, or that we won’t lose; only insurance policies attempt that trick, which is akin to trying to purchase something you already own but are unaware of. Instead, the universe promises you, that you will lose what you gained, and therein are you afforded the grace to really be with the joy of having, and when you’ve had all the having you can handle, you enter the grace to let it go and to allow it to return to the abundance from whence it came – and you don’t actually ‘lose’ in this process of loss, because you are this joy, you are this sorrow. To be human is to sign up for joy and sorrow, for winning and losing. What game is any fun that you are guaranteed to win every time? The only ‘real illusion’ of security is the one you create for yourself being held in the arms of infinite, unending love, come what may. You are love and only love can’t win or lose anything because love is All and always will be. The imaginations and their created realities are all expressions of this unchanging love. Love couldn’t change itself, so it chose the next best thing, to create the illusion of loss, through which to expand itself and know itself more.
We are in these throes of everything changing, and when you feel it internally, it doesn’t really matter what’s changing or not changing externally. You can dial up anything you need to be in love, to be in light, to be in love’s embrace, to be in love’s radiance.

This, in turn, makes for a pretty exciting new dance ground for your inner feminine and inner masculine to show up for. Sex and love are only reverence and awe taken to higher heights.

These are the times we created for ourselves, personally, nationally, globally and galactically. Time now to invite your dreamer forward if you haven’t already.

~
Join Jelelle Awen and I for a six-week group exploration over Zoom that started this  past Wednesday, April 1st at 10:00am PDT (Vancouver, Canada time) with teachings and guided meditations from us and space for individual sharings! The calls are two hours, by donation and whatever you can afford to give at this time of deep money transition for many. You can offer a donation for the entire series or just one at a time.

You can join us live and you also receive the recordings after every call and can watch them at any time after the calls if you cannot make it live.

Details here on FB at https://www.facebook.com/events/1095703627430395/
and at soulfullheartwayoflife.com/Freetobe

You can offer donations through our shop at soulfullheartwayoflife.com/shop or via paypal: paypal.me/jelelleawen

We look forward to connecting deeper with you! If you have any questions, please email Kalayna Solais at soulfullhearts@gmail.com or send her a message via the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Facebook page.

Photo courtesy of https://unsplash.com/@anniespratt

~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc.

Awakening To Purpose With Lilith

By Deva Yasmin

Lilith is coming very close to me right now, I feel her presence wanting to be known in these times. She is the form of Divine Mother who serves us to find stability in the shadows of the unknown, to feel safety in the darkness between worlds, anchoring us in the moment between death and rebirth, the place of all Life. 

Lilith is the activating force of the feminine, helping us create, when we do not know what for, or why, or even if we have anything to share that will be of service to others. She helps us trust the feminine and surrender to the outcome of our service. She knows we all hold in our hearts different parts of the Awakening puzzle that will reach where they need to go IN.

She also serves, as a soothing balm to our masculine. In times when his abilities to pursue, to take action and to know the way forth are less called for, Lilith helps him rest. Reminding him to conserve his energy for the moments when his driving force to move ahead is really needed. 

These complimentary forces are being offered healing NOW, especially through relationships, as we may be feeling rumbles in our time of separation from each other or being together more than usual. I feel this as an opportunity to feel how these forces have been in opposition or suppression of each other, how they have longed for but can be scared of each other at the same time. An opportunity to heal what is needed on the inside, to move more into collaboration between the Feminine and Masculine.

In relationships with others, especially intimate ones, I feel this to be the inner work needed to support the outer union and its empowered collaboration. It feels like the work to feel what is real between us, if there is still ground to transact together so we can move forward united, honoring, respecting and prepared to listen to one another, and if not, it may perhaps be time to move on, to honor the inner union more. This is something myself and James have been navigating since being together more at home. This time is gifting us so much healing, as we have felt what has gone unnoticed or pushed aside in the general busyness of day to day life and the ways parts of us have not been working together.

Lilith’s honesty is supporting me to navigate what is needing to change in my life, I feel her offering to hold my hand as parts of me still have fear of hurting others or being judged by others when being true to myself. This has held me back for a long time and she has come now to support me to move into true alignment with my Soul’s purpose. She is here to guide and activate in us ALL, the knowing that when we are called towards service of Divine Love, at times we will be asked to make hard choices that may impact others. Some will not understand but that does NOT mean you are doing anything wrong or a bad person.

As children it feels like our choices, if not in alignment with the beliefs of our care givers, can be seen as ‘wrong’ when we know what we want but that creates tension in our care givers or hinders their own schedules, and we can be called ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. This was not the truth. We knew as children we did not come here to fit in, we came here with a purpose.  But we had to take part in the suppression because that was part of our assignment on Earth, to be conditioned and forget so we could learn, awakening through the pains of being human. This has been our school so we could grow into the embodiment of Love and compassion, allowing Life to serve through us when the time came and NOW is that time.

Lilith wants to help us release the limitations of the conditioning that has been placed on us, revealing to us what has been keeping us stuck in the shadows. She comes to ALL of those who are ready NOW to move into service, even if that is deeply serving ourselves in a NEW way. Both serving ourselves and serving others is serving the Whole, but serving others without truly serving ourselves first, is a part of our conditioning. The belief that self-care or considering the needs of yourself is selfish, is not true. If we had learned to deeply care for ourselves, I wonder how the world would have looked? 

Service led by Love, this is the possibility that is becoming available to us more and more. As the invitation in New Earth is to serve Love to Love from Love, rather than fear serving more fear. 

Thank you for being here and for all that you are, which is already a huge service to Love. This Life would not be possible without you in it, your unique individuality is a gift and there is no one who can play the part you do. 

Much Love,

Deva and Lilith.

Deva Yasmin is a SoulFullHeart Facilitant. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc

 

 

Divine Father Message For Today’s Solstice: Your New Day Is Dawning

By Kalayna Solais

“I know that the night must end,

and that the sun will rise…”

~ ‘Endless Night’ from the Lion King Musical

There’s a strong energy today from Divine Father in many different faces. He is here to celebrate the Solstice with us while holding space too for whatever is coming up from within us to be felt and held in our hearts. Maybe you’re more in a mourning phase rather than a celebration, or maybe you’ve just come through a rebirth canal and are feeling renewed and relieved. In either case, Father is very much here to be in all of that with you and with every part of you in reaction to it.

He is offering in the moment,

“Beloved of my very being…

I know the realizations hurt. I know the celebrations can be bittersweet. I know you have lost loved ones unfairly, I know it can feel nearly impossible to believe in Love, I know it hurts sometimes to even just wake up in the morning.

I also offer, however, that no matter what you’re facing or even celebrating, you’re meant to be exactly where you are.

You may feel like a rat in a labyrinth of sorts, yet every turn you choose, you’re on your way to a new phase, a new day, a new release into something higher and better than what you’ve yet experienced. You may feel like things cannot possibly BE any better than they are, yet even this is another stop on the journey that undulates, expands, and contracts. You are always on your way somewhere. You are never abandoned. I AM here, I AM with you, I AM holding you, even when it’s hard to feel as if I could be anywhere at all.

The night ends. The new day dawns. You are not ever ending, though your current phase may be… you are always and forever on your journey, infinitely growing, infinitely finding your way, infinitely deepening in the gravitas of the love that you ARE.

With so much LOVE, so much encouragement, so much support for you to BE where you are and even who you are in this moment,

~ Divine Father”

This Solstice feels as if it brings with it a poignant rebirth. The birth contractions are real and many of you have been experiencing them deeply, as have I, yet His presence is here and now, holding our hands with every new step we take.

Though His presence can be controversial because of much projection onto Him, he invites us all individually to keep letting Him in however we can. This may mean that feeling Him is more triggering than comforting for a time, yet I feel deeply that he gets why that is and holds space even for the angst that needs to be vented without judgement, only presence.

Maybe today you’ll feel His presence in the sun shining on your skin, your plants, your swimming pool. Maybe today you’ll feel His arms around your shoulders as you sob and cry out against the unfairness parts of you are feeling about life right now. Maybe today you’ll feel him cheering alongside you as you move into the dawning of your new day.

The night is not endless. The new day must dawn. And in that entire process, He is here to love you as you courageously choose to just keep going, whatever that means for you in this moment.

Much love!

***

Kalayna Solais is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator for women, energy healer, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Full Moon Message: “Your Arising Aligns With Mine”

By Kalayna Solais

Said the Full Moon to its Witness, “your arising aligns with mine”.

“But how?” the Witness asked. “How can I arise as you do, with the splendor and beauty of a thousand colours at once and none out of place? To be worshipped and seen as you are though you are so still and simply ARE who and what you are?”

“Each time I rise,” the Full Moon responded, “I do not doubt that my shadows will too, that my light will sometimes be dimmed by a power not my own and a will I do not control. Yet, I trust, I surrender, I humbly rise still. First within me, then in front of you, whether or not you choose to take me in.”

The Witness paused for a moment, having never heard this before or felt the Full Moon in this way. The invitation as palpable as the winds that blow and herald a rapid change of season.

The Full Moon continued, “we are the same, you see. We have different roles, yet here we are, here for reasons sometimes unknown yet lived out just the same in a dance we often cannot name.”

And with these words, the Full Moon glowed with wonderous yet effortless energy. The Witness wondered at Her beauty as the message landed deep within.

“It’s time,” the Witness whispered, “to light up, to love it all, to be as I am and to allow it all to arise along with me… Shadows and light… For a purpose beyond my own. Yes, Full Moon, I have heard you… And will arise with you for the rest of my days as long as the strength within arises too.”

.fin.

***

Kalayna Solais is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator for women, energy healer, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Seeing, Feeling, Healing The ‘Past’: Mother Mary Transmission

By Kalayna Colibri

This came through this morning as I connected with Mother Mary… a face of the Divine Mother that is key to helping us become love ambassadors to all parts of us and all beings around us. I felt this for myself, as a way to forgive what has been and move forward into more of what and who I want to be, and I felt to share it, because Mary offers so many beautiful frequencies of love and forgiveness that are so so needed now and always. ❤️

“To you, and all parts and Metasoul Aspects of you:

Starting from a young age in this very lifetime, you’ve only ever done the best you could with what you’ve been consciously and unconsciously taught by birth family, close friends, your pursuit of love and intimacy, and your pursuit of spiritual fulfillment, too.

You’ve been invited to fire-walk through the shadows, the challenging phases of figuring out what was theirs and what is actually yours in your heart and soul and BEing… a necessary and sacred process of death and rebirth, and sometimes a very painful one.

You are forgiven for all expressions of not-love you’ve had to walk out towards yourself and others in this process… beyond ‘forgiven’ actually, as you are infinitely and intimately loved by the Divine that holds you and is within you.

You’ve needed to push, to grapple, to tumble and fall. You’ve needed these messy times of awakening and realizing what you want and don’t want, sometimes without much explanation… sometimes hurting or maybe harming others in the process of feeling and finding your boundaries, or even in the holding on to relationships that are no longer resonant.

You’ve led yourself to this very place you are in now, and if this is not a place of deep fulfillment, you’re invited to feel this, to feel the discomfort, to feel the loneliness, to let all of this alchemize your next steps inward and outward. You’re invited, always, into your next steps, which are always leading you home: to the heart and soul that holds you, and the love that is always surrounding you.

Your next choices are arising now… they are small or they are big, yet the impact is the same. You can choose to feel and be felt, to arise and become real, and you can choose to feel and heal the past so you can live in your new present… the one that will always arise as you do, as you pursue it from inside, as you feel the seeds of what you most truly want being planted in the nourishing soil of feeling and healing.

With much love for you, your journey, and everything inside of you…

Mother Mary ~ “

***

Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator for women age 25 and under, energy healer, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Incoming Energies Highlight Shift From Wounded Masculine Awareness To Sacred Masculine Consciousness

by Kalayna Colibri

These waves of March energies coming through are largely from the Sun, which I so feel holds much Divine/Sacred Masculine love and pulses through the world and through us the codes of awakening into the Sacred more and more. Because of the more masculine energy of these waves, they are activating, penetrating, and really pressing on the parts of us that still need to be felt and healed. They are a poultice in this way, bringing out more and more of the wounds in the collective and in the self too and of course one is a reflection of the other in immense ways.

The masculine love coming in now is not “manly”, not out to prove or disprove anything, not intending to override anything or anybody with almighty power and an iron fist of justice, revenge, or retribution. It’s a container, this masculine love. It is an all-encompassing bear hug from the Divine Father… warm, strong and tight, wanting to lift us up from where we’ve been, but only with our full permission and surrender into His arms.

And, we can’t really begin to feel what this Sacred Masculine looks and feels like, unless we can feel what it is NOT… meaning that at the same time as we are letting in these frequencies of Divine Love in masculine form, we are witnessing in ourselves, others and the world around us what the wounded masculine is as it pops up, sometimes full-on oozes up, to be felt. Parts of us are coming up out of the inner woodwork that have been holding this conditioning of what it means to be a human being in 3D reality, which also very often means that they are holding vibrations of the wounded masculine, and this is true for both men and women.

If you’re suddenly seeing the ways in which the wounded masculine shows up in your life and in the collective right now too, you’re being invited to be a witness to the arising of the Sacred Masculine… in all its vulnerability, heart-based leadership, genuine care and kindness, gentlemanly-ness, chivalry, and contention when necessary yet with heart and not prowess. There’s no need for it to be a warrior or a knight, either. It simply IS power and protection, with a willingness to let in and to let go, too, with its own needs in mind and heart as well as the needs of others – without duty or obligation – simply arising love in response to love. To be a witness to this arising is to feel what isn’t this inside of you, whether you are male or female, and to feel the parts of you and sometimes Metasoul Aspects too that have these frequencies. This is not to make them “wrong” or “bad”, yet to begin the process of supporting them to make the changes that they likely already want to make inside of themselves anyway. To courageously become a true vessel for and recipient of this new-feeling energy of love and sacred masculinity (and also sacred femininity, as they are not really mutually exclusive) is to be willing to go inward.

With all of this Sacred Masculine gusto coming in, we’re invited into new alchemy in our lives, to enter into phases of creation in tandem with the Divine spark inside of us. Divine Mother is known for Her invitational energy and this is here now too, intertwined with the ongoing invitation from the Divine Father to continue your heartful toil, your work within, your steps to offering service and love-based work to others. He and She are both here to help, to guide, to support, to empower. To feel their unconditional, infinite love for you is wonderful… to truly let it in and let it bake inside of you, spurring you on to new depths and heights from within you, is a whole other level of awesome, and a whole other stratum of really seeing and feeling who you are in your most precious essence as a son or daughter of the Divine. ❤

***

Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

 

Feeling Your Protective Layers As Downloads Rain Inward – 11/11 Gateway Invitation

by Kalayna Colibri

Frederic_Edwin_Church_Rainy_Season_in_the_Tropics_700

 

NEW inspirations are downloading for you now. Sometimes they trickle in like a light rain from bloated rainclouds. It depends on what you’re ready for and what parts of you are opening up to. Your Gatekeeper, who is another layer of your Inner Protector, gages and siphons off these downpours and INpours of INspiration that want to come to you, to move you into new places in your life, to help you see and make those tough choices and take those challenging steps to reclaim, re-energize and reignite the flame of self-empowerment and love.

The energies leading up to the portal of 11/11 this weekend feel like a soft caress and rock music, all at the same time… there is understanding and love from the Divine and the Multi-verse, and there’s a strong invitation to shake off the dust and awaken to where love is flowing in your life and where it may not be. It’s not a violent shake, yet for some parts of you it may feel that way in moments, as the awakenings come in and take hold of your consciousness, or at least try to. Doorways, portals opening, yes, as they have been continuously, and the most powerful one imaginable is the one that begins to open up to a wider aperture inside of you. This is the one that truly invites in more energies, more upgrades, more loving ways to be in this world. It brings in desires to tread gently yet powerfully, acknowledging how this can seem like a paradox to those who haven’t experienced that you can hold both of these frequencies at once without violence or outrage or wounded masculine expressions of toil and strife, or battles and martyrdom.

If you feel ready for the downloads coming in, you can ask for them, but you cannot bypass what needs to be felt before they can integrate in the way they need and want to. For them to truly go in with love takes a lot of conscious and ongoing holding of the parts of you that don’t want them to or aren’t sure it’s okay. Your Gatekeeper, who I mentioned earlier, is the main aspect of you that is used to holding and blocking so many threads of your potential awakening that they haven’t deemed you to be ready for quite yet (and that they haven’t been ready to let in themselves, either).

My own Gatekeeper, who I first came to know as a defensive Inner Protector or Guardian, is offering to me that my readiness is ripening after what has now been several months of working with her, yet several years of working with parts of me that were dominant aspects of my personality. She says, “the soul and heart maturity level need to match with the maturity level of the arising, conscious Sacred Human, who is striving for spiritual consciousness, not in a mentally-based way, and is deeply exploring their heart and wanting to know more, FEEL more, about who they are and why, who/what the Divine is and why, as well as who they could be destined to become in conscious and empowered co-creation with the Divine… It is important to let in the process AND the downloads, to not simply try and open floodgates that are meant to and need to be there… for now. And too, the Gatekeeper needs to feel this relationship with you as your healing Sacred Human self, to trust the Divine through and with you, as so many (myself included at times, in some layers…) still feel very consciously and unfairly separated from the Divine and therefore, from the powerful force and trance of love that wants so much to flood into you and them too.”

It is a major process to feel into, this acceptance of what is being brought in, and there are many understandable defenses that want to keep it out or filter it in a way that is perhaps more digestible for now. There is nothing that can truly be missed out on here though, as each opening within you does create this ever-widening and expanding portal of access to YOU and to the Infinite Love that is the Uni and Multi-verse we exist in and through.

So perhaps the greatest invitation and inspiration being extended to us all with this 11/11 portal, is more of the same of what comes in with all of them… to continue to acknowledge and deepen the work within, to let it be and arise and take a stronger, more self-loving hold on your heart and soul. To invite in a reality that is heart-based, that works with the mind and not against it, and with the soul in a more sober way. There is so much still to feel and on the other side of that, so much more to just keep letting in as we continue our paths of deep inner transformation that continuously transform and upgrade our entire world as we kNOW it and rediscover it, today. ❤

***

Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

Claim Back Your Own Magic

By Raphael Awen

magicmystic

Every nuance or tsunami of feeling that moves through my being, whether in reaction to circumstance or simply an arising tide inside of me, I am responsible for. I am responsible for it because I created it.

If my heart and mind cannot accept this responsibility and take ownership of it, then this reality too, I have created by forcing this awareness of my creative power into my subconscious. This however does not make it any less true.

Everything that is occurring in my life is a projection of this powerful creative reality. I create my feeling states and my feeling states then in turn go on to create, shape and fashion my experience.

There can be no fundamental change in my life until I come to new and conscious terms with my creator essence. One of the most powerful shadow expressions of this creative power is seen in people’s ability to suppress this truth and keep it well off their radar. There is no lack of magic and alchemy; there is only the question of how it is being related to.

I pledge anew to take responsibility for my own needs, wants, wishes and desires. I pledge to no longer hold life, or God, or my mate, or my body chemistry, or society responsible for my fulfillment.

I am truly sorry for having lived in these dead and life sucking frequencies and for the energy I placed into our magical collective. I forgive myself and accept that this too was all part of my creation and growth path.

I claim back and surrender to my own magic.

I enter this day and moment as the creator God (capital ‘G’ intended) that I am. I accept all that comes, as more opportunity to live and love into this never ending learning.

I invite you to connect with me as deeply as you want to in living into this new reality. You are invited to join our private group called Soulfullheart Circle on facebook if you haven’t already and we can connect some more there.

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information. 

Introducing “Essencism”: A New Movement Towards Ourselves

 

glowing-heart

 

By Kathleen Calder

I have begun to consider myself an “Essencist”. I don’t think that term exists yet, but I like it. Why? Because it doesn’t already have a role attached to it, an image of the person who may be involved in it, or even necessarily an existing set of beliefs. Well, I guess in a way it does, since I am coming up with it as someone who embraces SoulFullHeart, a healing and consciousness path where we speak of “essence” quite a bit, and yes, we have some specific beliefs we work with. They are fluid though, as life and the Divine always seem to be arising for us anew, depending on the chapter of our lives we are living out individually and as a community. To be an “Essencist”, to me, means that no matter what changes your life brings you, you believe in the power of your essence and you are also constantly in hot pursuit of what you feel it to be in every single moment, letting it be an unending journey of discovery with relentless curiosity.

I feel like I am diving into a chapter of pursuing what the heck my essence could be. I am experiencing the beginnings of what promises to be a deep journey of self-mating – deep, hot, romantic pursuit of the parts of me who have been neglected or put aside until now, and ultimately of my own heart and soul and what it’s made of. Is it difficult for parts of me to imagine that this phase could last a long time and that could mean not pursuing mateship with a man for a long time? Yes. Of course. And I also feel that I wouldn’t want to offer a future mate anything less than what I am already discovering about myself and my truest heart or my essence, nor do I desire a mate who can’t or won’t offer me the same, coming from an overflow of his own self-mateship.

So here we go, with much strength and motivation…but where is my vulnerability around it? Parts of me don’t feel too good about this idea, while it sounds good. It is different than what most other young women and men my age care about doing. So there is a deep loneliness I can feel inside myself too in this moment. Yet I can feel the possibilities of there being others and the chance for deeper relationships with others my age than I have experienced so far. And how could I draw what I really want in relationship if I am not pursuing it and cultivating it inside myself?

Perhaps the essence of being an “essencist” is actually selfishness, then. I selfishly want to focus on myself so that I can selfishly claim the gifts of that journey and the manifestation of that which I have always wanted in my deepest essence. To be an “essencist” means embracing personal other-ness – the fact that you are as unique as you feel yourself to be, whether you have been born with the sex of a woman or a man, or earned the role of accountant, actor, mother, brother, teacher, or priest.

What I want more than anything, as far as I can feel for what I know of my essence thus far, is to know and be known, but not in a superficial way. I feel encouraged to inhabit a new way of being in life where I pursue myself with so much curiosity that it overflows into a deep curiosity about others and puts me in a position where I love others’ essences so fiercely that I will fight for it the way I am beginning to fight for my own. I have already experienced tastes of my capacity for this as I have felt many moments of my capacity to feel others and how it is deepening with every step I take towards feeling myself first.  I am becoming more and more compassionate towards the false while advocating for the real. In a world that very much still tries to revolve around created personas and smokescreens, this is very challenging. This could be why I like the idea of a movement, if you will, that we could call “Essencism” – encouraging all human beings to get back to themselves in a healthy, authentic way, cultivating a relentless overflow of self-love that spills over into every aspect of their lives.

I feel in my essence a spark that keeps glowing, even when the night is at its darkest and all of life seems to parts of me to be conspiring against my/their happiness or comfort. It is something that I really don’t feel I will ever fully come to know, but that’s not as important as it is to keep discovering and getting closer to that answer, even if all I end up with at the end of each day is more data pointing out what it is not. So for now I will continue to try on each and every day and take it for a spin in my proverbial Cadillac, seeking and finding more answers while feeling myself deeply through every challenge and hard-to-feel feeling inside my parts and my heart.

 

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions

The Fog

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By Kathleen Calder

I haven’t been to the other side yet.
There’s no knowing
just feeling
just sensing in a moment to a moment, by a notion of a passing moment.
A passion drives on
beneath the waves of the crash
of the bang and the ping and the
                SLAM!
                        …there it is again.

 

And it waits for no one, but it thrashes in spite
wishing to be fought for
and thought of.
Felt
         seen
                   heard.

 

A hand reaches to my heart.
Electro currents of fiery change-waves
upheaving and churning the swell of the currents
the water and air around me
the unexpected gentle and suddenly
being brought back to the reality
            That I am loved…

 

The kicking, the screaming
still inside me
being boiled and bustled by that hand.
Those Divine fingers
playing in the air like a song
of ice, fire and water
changing the state of my outward sustenance
so that I learn to breathe
             new air.

 

I could never have asked for this

 

I would never have asked for this.

 

Not if I didn’t somehow know
somewhere inside the inside
That I was
             born for this
                               borne by this
                                               and reborn
to discover, rediscover, forget and then remember
              maybe somehow
             there is always love.

 

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions.