Category: Parts / Subpersonalities

My Process of Self-Intimacy: Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

Published on by Kasha Rosa1 Comment

This is the third entry in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read the second one.

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By Kathleen Calder

As intimate as this blog series is becoming already, I feel like I want to invite you in even more. It occurred to me that maybe the writing we share here, though we intend it to be invitational in tone, may make you readers feel like you are only circling around something and not really in it. Well, in a way that’s true, but in many ways it isn’t.

In many ways, we feel you joining in with us during our Sunday group circles, our shared meals, and our daily activities. We want you to be here. It’s up to you to qualify yourself to at least make contact, let alone take the leap to be here with us physically. I want contact. I want you to be known and I want to be known too. I want to experience you…and of course inside me is the ache to be experienced. This is what I want to animate for you in this writing today. So, with that in mind, I intend to invite you in even deeper to my world and deeper into what I call my ‘process’.

It is no joke to ask someone to leave their world or even their known consciousness behind in order to experience and participate in a new one. I’ve needed this invitation extended to me many times throughout these last four years with SoulFullHeart. I haven’t been an active part of this healing work for the full four years and, in fact, have had to take many so-called ‘breaks’ from it. I put quotations there because if SoulFullHeart is in you, it is you, and there is no real break from it or way of shaking it. Parts of me have tried. I guess that’s how you know your soul-calling: when something is inside you, calling you forward, grabbing your attention, even when you think you’re adequately distracted by other things.

There is nothing more powerful than finding your way to your deepest, most sovereign, and heart-centered choice to be a part of something. Part of me has, for many years, only identified with being a ‘black sheep’. There has been an insistence inside me that there is no way for me to truly belong anywhere or with anyone or any particular group of people. Socially this was a struggle for part of me for many years, until the last one or two years when I started to wake up to my genuine uniqueness based on my unfolding soul journey, which helped to reframe any feelings of ‘not being enough’ for others to accept into their social lives.

I have also found myself thinning out the number of people I would like around me at any one time. It’s not about snobbery or snubbing anyone, but about self-care and self protection. For now my circle is small and intimate and that feels safer as far as holding my need to land in others’ hearts in a deep way and be felt. While sometimes part of me can still find some comfort in hiding the real me in a crowd, most of the time being in a large group feels very vulnerable and uncomfortable for my sensitivity level.

I, Kathleen, want to know and be known more intimately, and I get to live into that every moment that I sovereignly choose to. It is a huge process though, to reconcile the desire to hide and the desire to be seen. I feel this could be true for everyone in the world on some level. Needless to say, at times in my process so far the desire to hide has won out and I have had to back away from being consciously in my process. The thing is, the process doesn’t truly stop, ever. You’re in your own process right now, actually, whether you are trying out any of the journaling we suggest or are just reading our writing. Something, even subconsciously, is bound to go in.

Each time parts of me have tried to abandon our process together, chaos has ensued, moving me away from these three people who I have been so intimate with. It has needed to play out that way and it hasn’t really, either. However, my emotional maturity level simply couldn’t allow it to be any other way. I have been through many shifts and changes in my life and all of the major ones have seemed to come on a tornado of chaos and I have felt like I was literally on fire at times! Change, while difficult for most people, has come easily for parts of me who have been very addicted to it. There has been an ease in running away, and what is ‘running away’ from SoulFullHeart but a ‘running away’ from myself? Running from intimacy is something every human being can share stories of, I’m sure, and self-to-self intimacy is really the true fear, I feel, for most of us – myself included.

The saying: “Wherever you go, there you are,” rings so true for me and is what I experience of life. It is what keeps bringing me back to the support that Jelayan, Raphael, and Sequoia offer me as I keep going into myself with less medicating and without avoiding any aspects of my process that are ripe and ready for me to feel into and heal.

Before I began my process of parts work exploration through SoulFullHeart, I was very social and aiming to become an actress. I had graduated theatre school and actually became certified as an Intuitive Coach as well, since I wanted to not only become a well-known performing artist, but a spiritual leader and author. I wanted to show the world I was a healer and to prove something – rather, parts of me did. The idea of maybe one day becoming too sensitive to party often or have one-night-stands was foreign and undesired in some ways. Part of me wanted to be part of the collective, even though she never felt she truly was and in fact was in denial of how badly she really wanted out. No doubt this was a lot to sort through.

Nowadays, I still want to be seen, but the glamour aspect has been giving way to the idea of just being embraced for who I am at my most vulnerable and authentic core of my being. This would have been so hard to say four years ago. This is why SoulFullHeart offers that people who may be interested in this work take it one step at a time. Parts of us have a lot at stake and a lot they have been working to accomplish in our lives. Deconstructing them needs to be a process for the sake of our own sanity. In some ways, you never truly know when this process begins for you, as it just sort of does, and usually it is on a wave of desire for change and doubts that the life you are leading now is truly enough for you, even if these desires and doubts feel subtle at the time.

It feels good to share a bit more about what my process has been like. In the future my goal is to weave in bits of stories from my process and perhaps some more visceral sharing of what it actually feels like to feel a part of you for the first time. I feel this may help any of you who are inching towards contacting us and taking on that first session, to imagine what that experience could be like for you.

If you are curious to know more about what I have shared today or have any questions for me, my email is kathleen.m.calder@gmail.com. I would be happy to hear from you.

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions.

Into The Wild: Healing Our Industrialized Self To Experience Our Wild Self

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

Nature is our partner, not our slave– Gaia’s Garden by Toby Hemenway

By Jelelle Awen

Being here on the ranch has brought into my awareness another part or subpersonality aspect which I am calling our industrialized self. The industrialized self is a false self version of us that has been created from industrial society. It is entitled, disempowered, reliant, and overly medicates with material goods attainment and easy access to life’s essentials and also internet. It is a creation of the modern age. Often it exists in a virtual reality and is non relational. The industrialized self’s message is about shoulds: You should have a nice car. You should have a good paying job. You should have a mortgage. You should invest in the stock market. You should do what everyone else is doing.

On the ranch, we are living off grid and currently camping in tents while the house we are staying in is finished. We have no internet or cell phone service and no city electricity or water. We get our water lines hooked up in a series of water lines to natural springs at the property and we get some electricity from our solar panel. We take dips in the river daily to clean off (even though showers are available) and we handwash our laundry and hang it on a clothes line. Our industrialized self is not used to this sort of living and generally would resist this kind of lifestyle. I have been deconditioning from my industrialized self for a number of years, especially when I moved out of a home and into an RV last year. This part of me that was used to fairly spacious and nice places to live had to get used to the small yet cozy space of the RV. This part of me had to adjust to shared laundry and shower facilities, a very small kitchen with a propane stove and oven, and sharing our ‘front yard’ with many people passing through. But now, this part of me is being challenged even more by the lifestyle we are living.

I feel that with the most likely impending collapse of industrial society, all of our industrialized parts will need to make intense adjustments in lifestyles. In some cases, people won’t be able to survive because they haven’t done enough transition to self sustainablity, especially in the crucial areas of providing themselves with fresh water and growing their own food. I feel it is the industrialized self that resists making these changes in a proactive way and keeps many people in denial.

I feel that the industrialized self heals to more expressions of what we are calling our wild self as it is felt by you, negiotated with, and you begin to make changes toward a more sustainable lifestyle. Negotiating with this part is crucial to be able to proactively make changes prior to collapse. If not negotiated with, it will sabotage your efforts to become self sustainable in some of the following ways: drawing a mate who doesn’t support your desires for self sustainability; becoming economically dependent or sabotaging your money resources related to becoming sustainable; receiving harsh judgments from friends and family about your plans and agreeing with them; learning very much about collapse but not taking action; being in denial about collapse and very resistant to hearing about it. The industrialized self heals to become our wild self.

The wild self is an aspect of our sacred humanity that has been unformed by industrialized society. It is untamed and unconcerned with rules and societal norms. It is connected deeply to our gut instinct, our primal nature. It thrives and comes alive in natural environments, the more natural and wild the setting the better and the more ‘unprepared’ the better. Our wild side naturally connects to all animals and plants. If it must kill, it does it with honor and reverence and gratitude. Our wild side can merge in with nature and become one with it. The wild self arises without personality in response to the environment. I feel it cannot really come alive until you have negotiated with and deconstructed the industrialized self to a large degree. Weekend wilderness trips give a taste of it, but not the full meal. The wild self doesn’t care about the latest and great camping gear or spending lots of money on it or keeping up with friends related to the latest trends. The wild self prefers to experience nature alone or with a deep intimate where talking isn’t even needed. The wild self feels the sacredness of nature, respects the rhythms, leaves no trace of its presence and exists in partnership in nature rather than trying to dominate it. The wild self can take care of all of its basic human needs and also its spiritual and emotional ones. It is naturally in abidement with the Divine in every moment and doesn’t need religion or church or a guru to experience It.

After global collapse of industrial society, it our wild self which will survive and thrive amongst the ruins of city infrastructure, highway systems, obsolete electric grids, declining fossil fuels, and shattered economic and political configurations. Even prior to this collapse, we can experience the healing of our industrialized self and the emergence of our wild side, which allows us to take in more of nature and our surroundings.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebook. Visit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with her.

What It Truly Means To Be Me: Owning My Emotional Reality

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

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By Kathleen Calder

I am here in my emotive, energetic and physical body. I am not here to transcend my reality and I am certainly not here to waste this lifetime on not living into what it truly means to be me.

It took me over two years involved with this SoulFullHeart way of life for it to land, but I finally woke up to something very important during a session yesterday – what makes your authentic self “authentic” is real, in the moment feeling and outing your emotional reality from a grounded place within yourself.

I’ve been under the impression, or perhaps another part of me has, that the SFH Self (what we call the authentic self), is essentially non-reactive and only seems reactive when fused with a part and/or choosing to validate and advocate for a part’s emotional reality. As it turns out, this simply isn’t true. Life isn’t about finally reaching a state of non-reactivity in order to be considered “emotionally matured” and “centred”. It isn’t surprising to me that given how powerful I have felt my own emotional reactions to be that the majority of people in our culture seek some way to invalidate themselves and to only come from a place of “centre” or calm. Stillness lives inside of all of us but refusing to be triggered by others actually doesn’t do us or them any favours.

I remember that a number of years ago I subscribed to the idea that anger is fine depending on how you use it. In other words, I tried to find ways to channel it that didn’t tell anyone I was angry at them directly. I also tried to find ways to just not feel it, but it would eventually find ways to come out. We are meant to flow with our emotions, not build walls around them…and not journal them away either. Journaling can help emotions flow and move in a way, but your journal can’t give you reactions back and help you dig deeper. People can. Life can.

I am not a victim to my feelings, though they haven’t always garnered positive feedback. I am entertaining this new energy of simply owning how I feel in an authentic, no bullshit, in the moment way. What’s sad is that outside of SoulFullHeart it is much harder to trust I will land somewhere, but I am not a victim to that either. Through ongoing work with my parts on my own and in sessions, I am building a deepening trust ground inside of myself. Trusting that all of my reactions are sacred, at least to me, and that there is no greater relief than to let them out responsibly. I have enough emotional healing and maturity now to trust I will not resort to name-calling, though at times there may be a defensive “fuck you” that has to surface. I can hold that. I can also hold my apology afterwards if I hurt somebody, but I also trust that their hurt is good data to them and to me. Hurt and pain is a roadmap meant to surface, not be stashed away for another day or even another lifetime.

Yesterday’s session was a couples’ session with Christopher and I. We have traveled a rocky road together, having had several incarnations of our coupleship over the past year. In some ways we are more solid than ever, but there is still one thing that trips us up – owning and outing how we feel in a vulnerable and authentic way. Parts of us have been wanting to tiptoe around each other still, caretaking one another but also fearing that if we do out how we feel we will no longer have love flowing between us. This is always possible, no matter what, however. So the real cost as I feel it now, is to ourselves and our own healing and growth. If the knife of our words can only be turned inwards, we are poisoning ourselves and there is nowhere for any of it to move and heal. If I do not out how I am feeling about my mate, no matter how “unreasonable” part of me may say it is, I am not honouring my true feelings and they are getting no air. Neither is he. We are in this to react to and trigger each other. We are not in this to “coast” through life, though parts of us would probably prefer that most days.  The cost of that is no deepening intimacy or closeness. The cost of that is an expiry date no matter what, for at this point on our healing paths, there is no way I will stand for stasis for long and he probably won’t either. As scary as it feels to rock the boat, the true cost is “me” if I don’t. My truth and heart get suppressed and my spirits become dampened with a victimhood I have put on myself.

I am here in my emotive, energetic and physical body. I am not here to transcend my reality and I am certainly not here to waste this lifetime on not living into what it truly means to be me. Join me? www.soulfullheart.com 🙂

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way of Life since January, 2012. Go here to read more of her writing and visit soulfullheart.com for more information about SoulFullHeart.

Reflections From Our Fifteenth SoulFullHeart Group Weekend

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

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This weekend we held our fifteenth SoulFullHeart group weekend. As always, the group was inspirational, transformational, and full of love and growth for all of us leading and participating in it. It’s amazing to feel that we’ve done this 15 times now over the last two years. This group weekend was held in the new venue that we found, Mission Point House, in Sechelt, BC on the Sunshine Coast. Mission House is a newly constructed, cozy and homey feeling space right on the ocean, nestled inside of a waterfront park that offers some of the most diverse bird watching in Canada.

We discovered the Mission House when we were walking our dog Koda in the park, which is near the RV campground where we are spending a few months settling into our new lifestyle. We had been to the park a few times, yet this was the first time that we noticed the house nestled by the water with shutters over all its windows. I felt drawn immediately and after peeking in all the windows, we confirmed that it was a facility space that was empty yet quite inviting. After doing some research, I found out that it was open for anyone to rent out and at the really reasonable rate of $10 a hour! And this rate included tables, chairs, and full place settings for 30 people.

I feel that the Divine Mother brought us this space, offering it to us after we moved out of our SoulFullHeart house in Gibsons where we had been holding groups previously. This new space and its capacity as a seminar facility inspired our offering of a Experience A New You two day seminar that we are holding there next month, March 22 and 23rd.  You can go here to read more information about the seminar and the beautiful setting where it is located.

The natural magic of the surroundings held us as soft snow fell all weekend, covering the trees and ground with white and inviting us into a stiller and softer place in moments. Bird totems were all around us: the trills of ravens celebrating our energetic and emotional movements and a bald eagle and three hawks gifting us with their presence in a nearby tree. The eagle was especially touching as most of us had never seen one so close up before. The eagle’s appearance coincided with the completion of a process with a part of my husband Wayne, who considers eagle medicine to be a powerful force in his life offering context, vision, and bigger perspective.

As touching as the animal magic was, the most touching aspect of our group weekends is always the connection and community that forms out of vulnerable sharing of parts and their reality. When parts of us can share and be felt in a loving setting, something new arises in our experience of ourselves and with others. Even though I’ve been witnessing this and personally experiencing it for over ten years now, I still find myself in awe at how powerful and touching this process of parts work really is.

Other powerful moments: We received some touching messages from Mother, brought to us through Christopher’s Daemon, outing himself as a messenger of the Divine with bravery and humility. Daemons, the part of us that guards our soul expression and gifts, were able to be felt and express themselves, share more past lives and actually be felt in them and move beyond their previous lifetime experiences of Goddess worship or religious dogma to let in the new frequencies of trust and love with the Divine that SoulFullHeart offers. SoulFullHeart energy healing, which I have previously led, was more community offered this weekend, with everyone learning and growing into their own energy healing gifts (which I feel we all have the capacity to express.) All of us digested that we are in the midst of geographic transition and change with Wayne and I more on the other side of it and the others in the middle of it.

From emotional to energetic to couples’ process to soul healing, there are so many places that we went this weekend and can go in SoulFullHeart, places that we need to go in order to serve the complex heart and souls engaged in the process with us. As I sit here the day after reflecting on our fifteenth group, I feel grateful for what I co-led, facilitated, surrendered into, and experienced in myself and in others the last two days and the people who created and shared this experience with me. And I feel grateful for whatever lies ahead during future SoulFullHeart Groups and beyond…..and for Mother’s continual support for our offering of this way of life that brings us so much joy, purpose, and meaning.

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Jillian Vriend is a co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Conversation With Divine Mother: Feeling Our Emotional Needs Underneath Our Frustration

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

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I invite you to feel that, next time you are frustrated: feel what emotional need is not getting met for you and to ask for support.

Jillian: Hello, Mother. It’s been awhile since we’ve talked publically, since my last blog entry in my 60 Days With Divine Mother series.

Divine Mother: Hello, Jillian. Yes, it has been a little while, even though time is not real and I am always with you. I am with you now as I was with you yesterday.

J: Yesterday was a rough day for me and for parts of me. It was a day where it felt like I “woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Huge waves of frustration and irritation. Disconnect and discontent. This is rare for me and I wanted to check in with you about it.

DM: Why did you decide to do this publically?

J: I was reading over some of my previous conversations with you and I was touched by the love flow between us and I missed your energy and presence. It has been harder to feel since we stopped connecting publically almost every day and I wanted it again.

DM: And, to share transparently and publically what a ‘rough’ day feels like for you and how I respond to it?

J: Yes, that’s right. You are ever the teacher, even as you are the student too.

DM: Learning and teaching go heart and heart, not just hand in hand. What would you like me to feel with you, my daughter?

J: It feels like much of the feeling has passed since yesterday after sharing with Kathleen at dinner and also Wayne and I clearing between us. It just felt like part of me was annoyed and irritated with everything around me and also with the small space in the RV that we now live in. She felt suppressed and contained by the small space. She felt rage that life has brought us to this ‘reduced place.’ Even as my experience has been that it doesn’t feel reduced at all, but opened out.

DM: Well, this part has her own emotional reality and I feel why she would feel that way. Would she like to talk with me directly?

J: She says, “ok.” It’s Jill, my inner teenager and healing matriarch part.

DM: Yes, Jill. I am here.

Jill: Hello, Mother. I’ve missed you. I feel tears coming up in the moment as I feel how I’ve missed you.

DM: Does it feel like I haven’t been there?

Jill: I guess, it’s just with not connecting every day like we were, I have felt like you weren’t there. I’m sorry. I should know that you are always there.

DM: Ah, Jill, please don’t apologize for missing me and for not feeling me there. And there aren’t any ‘shoulds’ in my world, sweet one. What was the source of your frustrations yesterday?

Jill: I still don’t know. It reminded me of being in high school and just having ‘foul’ days where everything and everyone annoyed me. I felt that way yesterday. I was fucking tired of living in such a small space. Of sleeping, eating, and writing all in the same bed! I was tired of the cold that we’ve been getting over and not being able to exercise for the last four days. Ah, Mother, I feel like a brat just sharing this with you. With all of the world’s problems and all the people suffering, I sound like a spoiled brat!

DM: Please don’t judge yourself harshly, Jill. Your feelings of frustration were real and comparing your fortune to others to invalidate them blocks me from being able to feel the deeper reasons and source for your frustration. Do you remember what I’ve offered the feeling of frustration is really about?

Jill: I think you’ve said that frustration is an expression of unmet desire and emotional needs. And, sometimes, it is a very reasonable reaction to have, a passionate reaction to injustice, for example. But that wasn’t the case yesterday!

DM: Hmmm, well, maybe not, but what if an unmet desire or emotional need was the root of your frustration?

Jill: I guess that would be a desire for more connection and service with others…our interactions with others have increased recently and it seems like new people might be drawn to and open to SoulFullHeart. I feel a desire for that.

DM: I can feel your desire, yet, it feels deeper than that. Is there an emotional need that hasn’t been getting met for you?

Jill: Well, I can feel a need getting met just in talking with and connecting with you. I can feel your Motherly presence holding me and giving Jillian more heart and energy too. I felt overwhelmed yesterday by what felt like “a lot to do” even though it was mostly cooking, which I like to do. I didn’t feel held by anything bigger yesterday and that I had to do it all, without Wayne’s support either.

DM: So you had an emotional need to feel supported in what you were responding to and doing?

Jill: Yes, that’s it. And I asked for support from Wayne and in journaling with Jillian but I didn’t really let them in when they offered it to me. I didn’t feel like I could trust them really. And the irritation and frustration felt just like what I grew up with as both of my parents tended to have parts that had a low level of irritation brewing at all times, just waiting to explode.

DM: You are moving through a parental piece, Jill. Perhaps getting ready to let in Jillian even more and me as well? Maybe even become a bit younger?

Jill: Oh, well, now that’s a better way to frame it then I was just being a brat.

DM: Jill, your emotional needs largely didn’t get met during your childhood. Your frustration and irritation are a result of that and of absorbing the undigested tones of that from your parents. And they are innocent in another way because they had the same experience with their parents. I invite you to feel that, next time you are frustrated: feel what emotional need is not getting met for you and to ask for support to feel that from Jillian and from me if you want to.

Jill: Ok, Mother, that gives me some power around what is happening. I felt like I was drowning in the irritation yesterday. That gives me a lifeline.

DM: Yes….a heart line.: ) Also, it is not ‘bratty’ to feel that your emotional needs aren’t getting met or that you aren’t satisfied with what you are experiencing. If there is entitlement there, Jillian can help you sort that one out.

Jill: That is so new to the conditioning that most of us receive about our emotional needs, Mother. Very new.

DM: Yes, and I appreciate that you were open to sharing your struggle publically so that I could offer this to others.

Jill: It was so worth it to feel your heart, Mother. Thank you.

DM: You are welcome, dear one. Any time…truly.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Vegan Male: A Contradiction Of Perception

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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By Christopher Tydeman

“So how was your turkey for Thanksgiving?” asked the cashier with cheery eyes and honest curiosity.

 “Oh, I’m a vegan, so no turkey.” I replied, a part of me couldn’t believe I outed that. But it was true and it felt good to say.

 “So did you have Tofurky?” She asked. That would have been my same question just six months ago.

“No. I actually had veggie dogs with vegan macaroni salad.” A part of me just wanted to crawl out of the store inconspicuously and put a paper bag on his head.

 This ‘voice’ which I recognized as a part of me named Simon said, “So, let me get this straight. You told her you were a vegan AND you didn’t really have a Thanksgiving meal?”

 “Because that is the truth. What is wrong with you?” I asked him, inside my head, of course!

 “Could you out yourself as any weirder?”

 “But it was true. Why is that weird?”

 “A manly man could have heard you and then what?”

 “He would have heard that I was a vegan who had veggie dogs on Thanksgiving.”

 “And?….”

 “Where is this going? And are you losing oxygen with that paper bag you have on your head?”

 “Christopher, men don’t admit they are vegan, especially on Thanksgiving. It’s a thing. You know…a guy thing.”

 “Oh…yes, the guy thing. Right. I forgot. Wait…what’s the guy thing again?”

 “You are seriously going to give me a rash. Thanksgiving is a time to let your inner cave man out, man. Make that sound that Tim Allen made on his TV show….ar, ar, ar! Even if you don’t, you just pretend to. On the down low. You know…hush, hush.”

 “I see what this is about. I went across social masculine norms. Okay, I feel you. So you want me to lie to be accepted.”

 “Thank you for understanding.”

 “That was actually rhetorical.”

 “What?”

 “Simon, I am not going to pretend to be something I am not just to fit in with your perception of everyone else’s perception.”

 “I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

 “Simon, you don’t have money. What is under this concern, Simon?”

 “I guess I am afraid you will be laughed at or judged by other men as not being a man because you chose not to eat animals and other animal by-products. Like you are weird or from another planet.”

 “What if they are weird and from another planet to be eating animals?”

 “Uh…I don’t know how to answer that.”

 “Do you know how many vegan males there are in the world?”

 “Ten?”

 “Simon, You know that isn’t true. More than you or I can possibly know. What if that number grew to ten thousand or ten million?”

 “Then I would feel more comfortable.”

 “Why?”

 “I guess I would feel more a part of a larger crowd. Safety in numbers, I suppose.”

 “I feel your need for safety and acceptance, Simon. That is understandable considering years of social and familial conditioning. It’s not healing overnight. But it is important for me to be who I am for reasons that are mine which are emotional, spiritual, and physical.”

 “I feel where you are coming from. I have some work to do with this. I actually love the food we have been eating. It is just this perception piece. In a way, it feels cool to be a little different. Like the cashier seems genuinely interested in what a vegan eats.”

 “You are intriguing to people, Simon. That is another way to feel into it.”

 “Hmmm…okay. I can feel some coolness in this.”

 After this internal dialogue had been going on, the cashier and I talked a bit about what I eat. She ended by saying, “Well, I think it would be a process for me. You are a brave man.”

 “Did you hear that, Simon?” I asked him as we were headed for the car.

 “ar…ar…ar!”

 “Oh boy.”

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life off and on since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 7 – Roundtable Of Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

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There has been a week’s worth of journaling between my last post and this one.  I felt to share this one today as it is current and touching to me.

Christopher:  Good morning, everyone.  I felt like addressing you all instead of just one.  I could not feel any one part in particular that wanted to talk, so I thought I would just put out an invitation.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  Good morning, Simon.  What are you feeling this morning?

S:  I feel rested.  A good sleep.  Though I feel a lot going on in my head.

C:  I can sense that.  What is it?

S:  It is a feeling of overwhelm.  I feel like I am holding your process mentally, like thinking of all the things that “need” to get done like journaling, the blog, the radio show, shopping, finding a job, plus desires like exercise, cooking, art, being outdoors.  I don’t know why I keep doing that.

C:  Maybe you do?  Why do you feel like you have to hold it all?

S:  I feel like if I don’t hold it mentally, you will forget something.

C:  Why is that important to you?

S:  I guess I am managing perception again.  Like by making sure it all gets done I will feel like a good SoulFullHeart student.  It feels good to me when you get good feedback from Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.

C:  This usually means a need is not getting met by me, Simon.  Can you feel what that might be?

S:  I feel like I am not as important now that Nathaniel and Angela are a part of your life.

C:  I know that my heart’s attention is being shared but that does not lessen my heart’s affection, Simon.  I journal with you everyday and we are always talking throughout the day.

S:  I know.  I guess I got used to real love and feeling it directed toward me everyday.  I feel like I am being spoiled or something.

C:  I want to spoil you, Simon!  I want to give you all the love you need.  But I also want to give love to Nathaniel, Angela, and Peter. They want to love you too.  Imagine that, Simon!  Not only are you able to receive love from me, but also all three of them.  You get thrice the love!

S:  I never felt it like that before.

C:  I am going to invite them to come here and talk to you if you would like.

S:  Okay.

C:  Is there anyone who would like to go first?

Angela:  I will!!!

C:  I can always trust your enthusiasm, Angela.

A:  : )  Hi, Simon.

S:  Hi, Angela.  : )

A:  See, too cute.  Did you already forget our last conversation?

S:  No.  I just didn’t let it in enough I guess.

A:  Well, I will say over and over until it does.  You are my hero.  You did life the best you could and you did it with honour and bravery.  Nathaniel guarded me, but you protected me.  You kept me safe and I love you for that.  I want to give you a kiss.

S:  Uh…in front of everyone?  We just met?

A:  Simon!  I am trying to express my love and gratitude with a kiss.  Where is my prince?

S:  I am honestly taking in what you said, but I just don’t feel ready for that.

A:  You are right, Simon.  I am sorry.  I am rushing things.  I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate who you are and what you had to do this life up until now.

S:  I feel that from your heart, Angela.  I really do.  Thank you.

A:  No.  Thank you, Simon.  I love you.

S:  : )

A:  Awwww…swooning!

C:  Thank you, Angela.  I appreciate you saying those things.

A:  Anytime. : )

C:  Anyone else?

Peter:  I do! I do!

C:  Wow.  Okay, Peter.  What do you have to say to Simon?

P:  Simon, I know that you had a lot of responsibilities up until now and I wouldn’t have my magical friends if it wasn’t for you.  I want you to be able to play, too, Simon.  You worked so hard at getting through life, you deserve to be free and enjoy.  I have always wanted a big brother to play with and I want that to be you.  K?

S:  Thank you, Peter.  I want to play, too.  I so much want to have fun and enjoy life.  So many times before my idea of fun was destructive and unhealthy.  I want innocent fun like you have.  I don’t want to be a stick in the mud.

P:  You aren’t, Simon.  You are a funny guy and I like that.  Ooo!  We could watch funny people on TV together.

S:  That would be great, Peter.  I was thinking we could see that Free Bird movie together when it comes out.

P:  Yay!!!! I wanted to see that.  Thank you, Simon!

S:  No, thank you Peter.  I love you, brother.

P:   Love you, A Cow Jumped Over the Simoon.

S:  You’re a goof.

P:   : )

C:  Thank you, Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater.

P:  : P

C:  Do you feel moved to say anything, Nathaniel?

N:  I wish to second what Angela said about your honour and bravery, Simon.  As I was guarding and hiding in the background, you were fighting battles in the foreground.  You are valiant man, Prince Simon.  You have strength and resilience.  I admire that and am inspired by it.  I feel you have a lot to offer Christopher and all of us.  You are respected and cared for, Simon.  Trust me when I say to let that in as deep as it can go.

S:  Thank you, Nathaniel.  I have felt intimidated by you as some powerful key to Christopher’s future.  I have also felt jealous.

N:  It is I that am jealous of you, Simon.  You have roundtable of love here, Simon, all sending their love to you.

S:  I am grateful to all of you.  I feel like a part of something greater all of a sudden.  You are my family now.  I want to let you all in more and I promise I will do so.  Thank you so much for this, Christopher.  It is overwhelming, but in a very good way.

C:  I am so glad you can feel the love, Simon.  I know it will take time to set in.  We will read this again and it will go in even deeper still.

S:  I feel like resting now.

C:  Okay, Simon.  You do that.  You deserve it.

S:  I love you.

C:  I love you too, buddy.  Rest well.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 6 – The Princess Impresses

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

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Day 6

90 Days With My Parts:  Day 6- The Princess Impresses

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning.  How are you?

C:  I am feeling mellow in the moment.  I got a good sleep last night.  You must have as well.

S:  I did.

C:  How are you feeling about my connection with Angela?

S:  It is a little strange, but after your talk with her I am interested.

C:  Would you like to meet her?

S:  Uh.  I guess.  I am a little nervous.

C:  She is pretty sweet.  I like her a lot.

S:  Okay.  Still nervous.

C:  Let’s just see how it goes.

S:  Okay.

C:  Good morning, Angela.  You awake?

Angela:  Of course I am!  I don’t like sleeping much since I woke up, my prince.

C:  I want to introduce you to Simon.

A:  Yeah.  Of course!  He is a part of you, so I would love to.

C:  Say hi, Simon.

S:  Hi, Simon.

C:  >: I

S:  Hello, Angela.

A:  Hello, Simon.  You don’t have to be shy silly.  I don’t bite…unless you want me too.

S:  Huh?

A:  It’s a joke!  Wow.  Are you still sleepy?

S:  Yeah.   A little.

A:  So what’s it like being a part of Christopher?

S:  Well, hmmm, he talks to me a lot and helps me when I am anxious.  He is my mentor/ father-figure.  We used to be brothers, but that doesn’t feel right anymore.  He calls me his co-pilot.

A:  You look handsome in that suit.  Very distinguished.

S:  Really?

A:  So you can’t take a joke or a compliment.  We need to work on that.

S:  Thank you, Angela.  I am just not used to talking to anyone but Christopher.  I have a hard time being relational.

A:  Well, I want to help with that.  Is that okay?

S:  Uh, yeah, sure.  That would be cool.  I mean great.

A:  You feel nervous.

S:  Just getting used to this.

A:  Do you find me pretty?

S:  What?

A:  Have you lost your hearing, too?

S:  No. I just wasn’t expecting that question.

A:  So?

S:  You are feisty, aren’t you?

A:   That’s not an answer, Simon.

S:  Yes.  I find you very pretty.  Geez.

A: You sound like I am torturing you.

S:  I’m just not used to this forthrightness.

A:  “Forthrightness”?  We need to loosen you up, Simon.

S:  : /

A:  Oh, don’t get all quiet on me, Simon.  I’m having fun with you.  I’m sorry.  I will back off.

S:  It’s okay.  I am being a bit stiff.

A:  I think your vocabulary is sexy.

S:  Oh boy.  Um…thank you?

A:  Lol!  You are priceless, Simon!  We are going to have fun together.

S:  Glad you feel that way.

A:  I will relieve you of your anxiety and uncomfortability and ease my ‘forthrightness’.  Can we chat soon?  I like you, Simon.

S:  Yeah.  That would be…..desirable.

A:  Yep.  Too cute.  Great!  I will come get you.

S:  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

A:  Shut up!  I think I found my new prince, Christopher.

C:  Lol!  I guess so!  Go Simon!

S:  What is going on around here?

C:  You are being loved, Simon.

S:  Feels like I am being made fun of.

C:  Not in the least bit.  I feel Angela is going to be a good influence on you, Prince Simon.

S:  Stop!

C:  Okay.  Sorry.  You are a likable guy, Simon.  Get used to it.  The teasing is a show of affection.

S:  I never got used to that.  I always took it personally.

C:  I know.   You were branded by the bullying.  Teasing can feel the same way sometimes.  But there are no more bullies so maybe we can work on holding that with a little fun?

S:  I’ll try.

C:  She is cute, isn’t she?

S:  Yeah.  She is really pretty.

C:  Let me know when you want to speak to her again.

S:  Okay.  Should I bring flowers?

C:  Wow.  Mr. Casanova! Do you feel like bringing flowers?

S:  I don’t know if it is too much.

C:  It feels like she would be flattered.

S:  Okay.  I’ll think about it…I mean, feel into it.

C:  Of course you will. ; )

S:  Don’t you have things to do today?

C:  Love you, Simon!

S:  Yeah.  Love you, too.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 2 – Vulnerability Is My Co-Pilot

Published on by Gabriel Heartman4 Comments

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Day 2

I may do or say things that make you feel unsafe, but know that I will not lead you into harm. I will advocate for you, but also help you to heal from your past wounds. Being vulnerable is the way to do that. One uncomfortable, awkward step at a time.

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher

C: You feel a bit blah this morning.

S: I was up again thinking last night. Still a little tired.

C: Yeah. I could tell. What was going on?

S: Just thinking about all the changes lately. So much happening at one time. Just trying to digest it all.

C: Yeah, I understand. However, the beauty of being a part of me is that you don’t have to digest anything that doesn’t have to do with you. The upcoming interview, my new parts, daily tasks, etc. I would really like for you to be able to let all that go.

S: I do too, Christopher. It is just so engrained in me. Has been since I was in middle school.

C: Would you like to elaborate?

S: Well now that this is public, I am a bit hesitant.

C: I understand. You don’t have to. I promised I would only share what you feel comfortable with.

S: I know. I appreciate that. Um….let me feel into it for a second.

C: Sure. Take your time.

S: Okay. I want to just let it roll out and if something doesn’t feel like I want to share we can omit that.

C: Fair enough. I like it.

S: I feel this need to view the whole forest at once stems from anxiety. Always on edge about wanting to do well in school and fretting about being attacked emotionally from the bullies at school. I feel this translating here. I feel this need to be a good SoulFullHeart student and stay alert to potential judgment and criticism.

C: I know that you had to hold a lot back then. I am sorry that had to be so. You did what you had to do to get what you needed. Acceptance and safety. Both meant love to you. I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, a student and a compassionate heart. I may do or say things that make you feel unsafe, but know that I will not lead you into harm. I will advocate for you, but also help you to heal from your past wounds. Being vulnerable is the way to do that. One uncomfortable, awkward step at a time.

S: I do feel that Christopher. I mean, as much as I can let in. The more I feel you leading, the more I know I rest. When you quit teaching, I could feel you holding me amidst all the others’ reactions. That was a big moment. I want to remember that feeling.

C: Thank you for acknowledging that Simon. I am so glad to hear you felt that way. I don’t feel I did very well after that but it was all part of the journey. We are learning together.

S: I know that I was a lot to handle after that, and neither of us was quite ready for what was to follow. But I feel you here now and I appreciate you checking in with me everyday. I still have the habit to take over and try to relieve my anxiety through other means other than feeling. That is why I need you.

C: Thank you, Simon. And I need you to keep me focused and organized. I am not so good at that. I feel pretty flighty sometimes and need you as my co-pilot to plot a course for me.

S: Co-pilot. I like the sound of that. Do I get to where that awesome outfit with the hat?

C: Hell yes! You would look handsome, Simon.

S: You think? Hmmm. Women do find pilots sexy, don’t they?

C: I guess so. I can feel the female part of me Angela saying, “oh, hell yes!”

S: Okay. Now this is where I feel a flinch. This whole exposing your female part to the world.

C: Tell me more.

S: It’s just not normal, Christopher. You are setting us apart from everyone. Making us stand out.

C: But we all have parts of the opposite gender, Simon. There are men who admit to having a “feminine side”.

S: Yeah. Two.

C: Simon. No more hyperbole. You know that is not true. I am just taking it a step further by expressing it and giving her a name. She is a part of me and I want to get to know her. I know that is weird in the moment, but I want to use this forum to make it not weird but natural. It is so imperative that men acknowledge and feel their feminine side. Their is too much patriarchal, bravado energy in the world. We as men must turn that around before we kill ourselves.

S: I am still stuck on you outing you have a female part. Sorry.

C: It’s okay. I got on a soap box.

S: Your not getting a sex change operation, are you?

C: Oh for crying out loud! Really?

S: Just checking.

C: We will take this one step at a time. I need to check in with Nathaniel as well to see how he feels about this. He was the one protecting her all this time.

S: Okay. I just need to trust you. All part of the leadership thing.

C: Yes it is. Thank you for feeling that. And thank you for your courage to be the first part to be outed in this blog!

S: Woohoo.

C: That didn’t sound convincing.

S: Hmmm.

C: I love you, Simon.

S: Yeah, I love you too. I think. ; )

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Once Upon A Time: Healing To Remember

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

Snow-Charming-once-upon-a-time-32128972-480-530

I have recently been watching episodes of Once Upon A Time. “I am on season 2, so please don’t spoil anything for me!”, a part of me wants to exclaim emphatically before I even begin. As I have been watching, I keep getting a feeling that I am watching us, humanity, at play. That somehow we are all from an “enchanted forest” and have been blinded by a “curse”. This enchanted forest is the place where our sacred humanity lives and breathes the air of what and who we really are. The curse is our lack of consciousness, our inability to feel our true essence from lifetimes of wounding and conditioning.

This place I speak of is not some place in the past, nor is it a million miles away. What if it was right here? Right under our noses. What if we live in this place, but have just forgotten? You and I may know each other, but our curse of unconsciousness keeps us from remembering or feeling that reality. What if we actually all know each other? That we were once, and even are now, a part of something grand and magical. I feel myself wanting to remember. Wanting to feel myself for who I was, or more importantly who I am.

There was a scene where David/Prince Charming declared that he claimed both his cursed, former self and his true self. That he was both and he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I am my strength as I am my weakness.” In that moment he rose to his bigness while holding and loving his smallness. That is the man I remember being. Some may say it is a projection of who I would like to be. I have learned from my teachers, Jillian and Wayne, Yeshua, and the Divine, that this projection only exists because I am spring loaded for it. I would even say that it exists because I AM it. I am that which I imagine and resonate with. What is really happening is that I am remembering.

“So you are saying you are a character in a fairy tale?”

I am saying I am similar to a character in a fairy tale who has forgotten who he was.

“I believe the doctor will see you now.”

I believe the doctor is delusional. How is that?

“Oh, boy.”

May I finish?

“Be my guest…or patient.”

I want to clarify that I don’t feel like I am remembering a “past” life specifically. All of those lives have shaped my soul into what it is today, in this moment. All of those lives I was searching for (remembering) the same thing I am today. My true nature. The place where my soul, my heart, and my body are one. This is my sacred humanity. It exists in this place, at this time. But it takes the process of healing to remember. If you have felt this inside you, rumbling around like an elephant in a dryer, then contact us. We just might know each other after all.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.