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Admitting Your Apathy To Find Your Compassion

Published on by Kasha Rosa7 Comments

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I couldn’t blame myself or part of me for not caring anymore. So many years of bullshit and suddenly realizing how much of that I shoveled on myself, let alone on my relationships with others. I had years of trying to stand out from my birth family, declaring myself to be the “black sheep”, which is true in many ways but was a declaration that led to much entitlement around what I should and should not have to experience and be vulnerable around in my life. I did the same with virtually all of the people around me, family or no, setting myself apart from everyone, somehow and someway.

My daemon, out of painful, held deep disdain towards humanity made sure of this. He wanted me to be driven towards a fame trajectory. It was rooted in the performing arts for a time, but was also about becoming a spiritual guru of some sort. It was my dream (or part of me’s dream) for many years to become an author and speaker, engaging audiences from a stage and maybe even reading them out as a psychic/medium. The invulnerability of the desire I held to do and be this is only coming to light now. The deep-seated apathy underneath it all is being revealed, inch by inch. Luckily my daemon, Gideon, is willing to be open and vulnerable in sharing with me his experience with this, wanting to heal and move it, which is big for an awakening Daemon.

Now when I feel my old desire to be an important figure in the “self-help” industry, I am feeling with Gideon, in real time, some of the layers he detects are really at play in a business climate that is supposed to be about “love and light”. While there is genuine work being offered out there that isn’t all about transcending your pain, much of it still is. This is what keeps people coming back for more. They get hooked like a child on sugar. If you don’t keep going back to these dealers and spending money on books, seminars, etc, you find yourself back in the same ditch you started in. This happened to me.

I recall going to the I Can Do It! Conference presented by HayHouse year after year for about 4 years in Toronto, Ontario. While there were and are some genuine hearts and minds who write and speak there, I can feel how I was caught up in “seeking” and not ready to be found. I wanted re-frames and a more positive spin on what I was facing and actually not really feeling my way through in my life, especially around romance and discovering my own psychic gifts. In other words, it became medication I had to keep renewing my prescription for. Part of me wanted to be told, “you’re okay!” when she really didn’t feel that way. I call this part “Katie” – my main way of interfacing with the world until very recently.

My daemon at the time was happy to keep bringing her more messages of, “you’re okay, you’ll get through this and you will be one of those authors on that stage someday. You’ll have found your soul family and you will never have to have the normal human life that so many around you have resigned themselves to. You’ll finally be seen and loved”. These words were like honey and they kept me fed for many years. But…how can holding a goal about being “seen and loved” still be about being in genuine service to others? It doesn’t feel like it can because then it’s ultimately about you. This isn’t true compassion and honestly it isn’t hard to feel how many healers on stages care more about being seen than they do about helping people, though they do offer some moving and helpful experiences to others at times. Many of them, if you read their bios, had very painful lives prior to finding their “gifts”. Pain they were never felt in and therefore couldn’t move through. Pain their daemons use as an excuse to keep taking over their lives and avoiding the real work of healing yourself so you can actually serve and heal the world in a real way…which isn’t necessarily a famous or glamorous way, either.

I have recently been feeling where Gideon holds apathy about my/his own healing, let alone anyone else’s. Apathy towards humanity and fully inhabiting life as a sacred human. Beneath the apathy is real, heartfelt care that isn’t pretty or glamorous but is beautiful and emerging all the same. Kind of like a newborn baby covered in gook. At least that’s the image I’m being offered in the moment. Like that newborn baby, there is real pain and tears that come with that whole package. It’s all being held in my personal connection with the Divine and with my SoulFullHeart facilitators supporting me. I can feel the layers I must heal through in order to continue letting in real love from myself to myself primarily.

If I don’t start there, there is no overflow of love to offer others. This is the real work they don’t tell you about at most conferences and seminars. What I feel to leave you with, whether you identify as a healer or seeker or whatever label, is that it’s important to find your apathy. You don’t need to make it “bad”, but feel where it comes from and why it’s there. Nothing feels more toxic, degrading or destructive than offering false care to yourself and others, no matter how many books you sell. You and I can’t help the world if we don’t face this truth and, in fact, we will only create new problems and perpetuate current ones if we don’t.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Are You A Spiritual Student Or A Seeker?

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

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The problem with modern spirituality is there are too few people open to truly being students and too few teachers self qualified to authentically serve them.

I spent many years as a student, dedicated and fully committed to one teacher and teaching. I didn’t realize at the time how unusual this was. They were aspects of my teacher and that relationship that ended up being off and based in shadow, just like any committed relationship has healthy and unhealthy aspects. But if I hadn’t committed myself to that teacher, I simply would not be who I am now, in the nourishing relationship that I am, and serving others through SoulFullHeart.

I’ve been offering my way of life and myself as a teacher and healer for the last few years and I’ve met many people who claimed to be ‘seekers’ along the way, initially drawn to what I was offering. Whenever someone would claim to be a ‘seeker’, I wanted to ask them, “You are a seeker? So, when will you let yourself be found?” It seemed that these seekers were deeply afraid of committing to just one thing, just one teacher and teaching. They wanted to float around and sample off the buffet bar of spiritual offerings. They wanted to read books (especially ‘best selling’ ones) or attend yearly seminars and retreats. And they expected that this minimal activity would actually bring them the rewards of bliss, joy, serenity and deep love that they felt entitled to receive. Instead of trusting their intuition that brought me to them as a teacher, they wanted someone else to legitimatize a teacher for them (a publishing company, Oprah Winfrey, Louise Hay, etc.) Popularity does not qualify a teacher and might actually disqualify a teacher, but that’s for another blog entry.

Many modern seekers seem to have a short attention span and are looking for the next shiny object to latch onto. They are a product of a modern world where facebook “likes” mean more than meaningful relationships; where spiritual experiences are expected not revered; and where negative emotions have been villianized and positive emotions over idealized. They don’t want to actually work at transformation or to feel anything negative as a crucial aspect of their growth process, so part of them projects them into an idealized place where they can claim to feel bliss and love for everyone all of the time without actually doing the work that would awaken them to a state where this might be possible.

My truth is that this is not what we are meant to experience as sacred human children of the Divine. The Divine wants to experience Itself through us, both in male and female form, and why would it only want to experience the light and loving expressions of Itself? Pretty boring, wouldn’t you say? It is both the light and dark, the shadow and the love that interest the Divine. The textures, the depths, the struggles and the triumphs, the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs. A student of the Divine is a student of life in all its areas of expression and all its highs and lows. And as you become a true student of the Divine and of an authentic teacher of the Divine, then you arise into your sacred human nature which is an arising and unknown wonder that can respond to the ups and downs with an open heart. You experience deep connection with the Divine that is both challenging and comforting; catalytic and solid; full of contrasts and paradoxes and fundamentally conditional on you continuing to heal yourself.

I am a teacher because I have been a student and I continue to be a student of the Divine and will for the rest of my lifetimes. I am a teacher who deeply wants to draw true students, students who will wrap around what I have to teach and still retain their centers. Students who will surrender to learning and not knowing and, at the same time, hold that they are also meant to be teachers someday. Students who will accept the challenge, do the work, and commit to me, the Divine, and themselves. Students who will own if they feel resistance to being students and why.

Here are some more distinctions about a student versus a seeker for you to feel into:

A seeker thinks that a paradigm shift is all that is needed; a student recognizes that it is just the beginning.

A seeker is afraid of commitment; a student lets themselves be claimed.

A student wraps around a teacher while remaining in their own center; a seeker gives complete devotion to a teacher while remaining without a center.

A student allows ALL areas of their life to offer sacred experience; a seeker makes certain areas of their life more sacred than others.

A student wants to filter experience through what they don’t know; A seeker wants to filter experience through what they know.

A student admits they do not know and do know at the same time; a seeker attaches to what they know and what they think others know.

A student draws a teacher who reflects to them their own bigness, not just the teacher’s bigness.

A student accepts the light and the dark; a seeker seeks for the light while suppressing the dark.

A student feels the inner teacher inside of themselves; the seeker denies the inner teacher inside of themselves.

A student accepts that whatever they experience in the moment is the reward; the seeker justifies what they experience in the moment to receive a reward in the future.

A student is destined to become a teacher; a seeker is destined to become unfulfilled.

A student gets that being a student is the hardest but most natural thing. A seeker believes that being a seeker is easy and is supposed to be.

A student is open to their feelings as being an aspect of Divine expression; a seeker is open only to feelings that they feel as ‘positive’ or ‘serene’ as Divine expression.

A student is asking ‘who am I?’ and answering ‘I am that’ at the same time.

A student humbly understands that they are entitled to nothing but are worth having what most deeply serves them; A seeker feels entitled to manifest everything that they want yet don’t really believe they deserve it.

A student surrenders; a seeker submits.

A student is both investing and divesting; a seeker is investing looking for a return.

A student is patient, understanding it takes many lifetimes to arise and unfold and all experiences bring growth. A seeker is eager and impatient, feeling that everything they want should be given to them now and that only positive experiences are valuable.

When will you stop seeking and let yourself be found?

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Who is appearing as a teacher in your life that you are resisting leaning into? If you are reading these words right now, perhaps it’s SoulFullHeart.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

From Wounded to Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Published on by Jelelle Awen1 Comment

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The term ‘inner child’ has been around for decades now and most people are familiar with the concept of getting to know the part or aspect of yourself that holds your childhood energy and emotional tones. Because of this familiarity in mainstream culture, people have been more understanding about when we mention that we feel the wounded child in them who, over time and with being felt by them and by us, heals to become frequencies of their magical child.

While the inner child can be suppressed in terms of establishing a….ah well, my magical inner child named Aurora says all this mental stuff is quite boring. She says that the inner children in people aren’t so brainy, logical or rational. They want to have fun! They want to explore! They want cookies! (well it depends on the magical child but this seems to be a universal thing.)

Let me ask Aurora if it’s OK if I share now for a bit and I’ll try not to be so mental about it.

She says, ‘fine’ and, ‘la la la’ and, ‘where’s koda (her dog) so I can pet him?’

Aurora offers me an important reminder though as I’m sitting here trying to think my way through writing an article about this part of ourselves. To not be so in our minds. To enjoy the moment. To truly let in the joy that things we love bring us, whether it is our partners, our pets, our kids, our favorite foods, or our favorite activities. They reconnect us with our innocent and pure essence that we had as children, which got covered over as we grew up by layers of strategy, emotional congestion, and unfelt trauma. They also hold soul expression and gifts as well, especially as they heal and start expressing more of their magical aspects. Some examples are ability to communicate with animals, deep respect and connection with the natural world, psychic capacities including ability to see auras, communication with spirit-based entities in a natural way, natural resonance with the non-dual aspect of reality, etc.

I first felt my inner child when I began a parts differentiation process almost ten years ago. I first found the tone of my “hurt part” through journaling sentence completions “I feel hurt whenever…” The voice and emotional tones of my hurt young part came through very clearly and she called herself Evie. She felt sweet to me but also very heavy and very, very sad. Lonely too. When I asked her to describe the world she lived in, she shared in amazingly accurate detail the bedroom I had when I was in fourth grade, including the canopy bed that I had loved and forgotten about as an adult.

Evie was “stuck” in my bedroom, feeling sad and lonely because my parents had gotten divorced during that time and she was still traumatized by it. Because she hadn’t been felt in a deeply empathetic and heart open way by my parents at that time, she represented the part of me that was still subconsciously wounded and stuck there. And this part of me was subconsciously playing out this pain, sadness, and loneliness in my relationships, especially my romantic ones. Once I became conscious of her through regular journaling dialogues with her, I felt her energy and sadness lighten up considerably. I shared this writing with my facilitators in a group circle and felt her relief and joy at being with a group of such “nice people.”

She also ‘dropped in’ during a few groups to talk directly with my facilitators. Dropping in is not like hypnosis, you are completely conscious and aware of what is happening. You just let this part of you that you have been getting to know through journaling talk to and be felt by other people. I’ve witnessed and facilitated this dropping in process many, many times over the years and I am amazed at how natural, organic, easy, and affective it is for people. And I love it when a serious-looking older man or woman drops into their inner child and becomes animated, young-feeling, and so sweet!

There’s much more I could write about the benefits of getting to know your magical child, yet I’ll let Aurora finish this article out, which seems appropriate.

“Hi! You know my name is Aurora, already. Jillian is right. When she started talking to a different version of me called Evie, I was a very, very sad girl. I felt lots of hurts and didn’t feel like, even though I liked it, that I would ever leave that bedroom. There were lots of barbies and stuffed animals to play with but I was too sad back then to play. But, Jillian is a good mom and we also have the big mom too (the Divine Mother), so I feel happy now almost all the time. Sometimes, especially if Jillian’s daemon Morgaine is around, I’ll go rest or go play somewhere for a while. But also I’ll come out when Jillian goes to the beach with Koda (my favorite thing to do!) or we’ll cook together or watch “Once Upon A Time” which has a evil queen in it but it also has a little boy in it who is also a magical child. I also like the movie, “Babe” very very much. So my life is really good and I have friends too now in the parts like me that Wayne and others have gotten to know. I think you’d like it too. There’s too much serious adult stuff going on and, lots of times, you adults aren’t doing a very good job of it. If you could feel your little boy or girl inside, you probably wouldn’t hurt each other anymore or be so greedy or work so much or be in yucky relationships or hurt children or kill animals.”

Thanks, Aurora, and I just wanted to add that this part of you is already expressing in your life and establishing a conscious connection with them is usually a fairly easy process that we facilitate through journaling dialogue and individual and group sessions. Much easier than getting to know the more strategic and image-based part that we call a persona part and protector-controller, whose job it is to hide, maneuver, and manage perceptions.

Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Entering Your Inner Garden Of Eden

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

adamandeve

Imagine…

You’ve signed up for a space exploration program. You are going to visit a recently discovered planet. You’ve been told that it is very similar to life on Earth- same atmosphere, same carbon-based life forms with humans as the most conscious on the planet. However, unlike the current difficult conditions on Earth, on this new planet all species live in harmony with each other, collaborating and cooperating in a balanced way that preserves the environment, provides for every creature’s basic needs, and allows all inhabitants to survive and thrive. Let’s call this world “utopia” as that term already has an association for most of us as an ideal and perfect place.

The Utopians look like humans, but the similarities end there. When you meet your first one, a woman, shortly after landing on their planet, you are struck by how clear her skin is and how radiant her energy. It’s like she is glowing from the inside out. Her body is healthy and vital. Her movements are fluid and relaxed; she feels grounded and centered in her female body.

Beyond the physical differences, you immediately notice that her language is different when she greets you and welcomes you to her world. This Utopian woman, let’s call her Eve, asks you if parts of you feel ok if she gives you a hug to welcome you to her world. You aren’t sure what she means but, suddenly, you’d like very much to receive a hug from this vital and warm woman. She embraces you and you feel a warm and loving energy spread from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes.

“Your energy is a bit lacking and heavy,” She says, looking you deep in the eyes and smiling. “I can feel how it’s been hard for parts of you to leave the home that they know. But, please know that we will provide the space for them to be felt by us in these reactions. They, and you, are welcome here.”

You don’t know what she means by “parts of you” but, again, you are reassured by her mere presence and the gentle yet firm way she holds your hand. You begin to suspect that the warmth coming from her hand is helping you feel more relaxed and energized at the same time, yet you aren’t sure how that could be.

A Utopian man comes up; we’ll call him Adam (of course!), and puts his arm around the woman. “I see Eve has you in good hands,” he says, laughing at his own joke, flashing beautiful white teeth and a spontaneous smile that has you laughing and smiling along with him. Still grinning, he looks you deeply in the eyes and repeats Eve’s welcome. “It might take parts of you awhile to acclimate to being here,” he says, suddenly more serious.

He studies you some more and tears spring into his eyes. “I feel the pain that is in in your heart; I feel how parts of you are afraid. What I want to remind you is that this is how things were meant to be for you. How it is here. Not like where you come from. This is how things were meant to feel.”

Tears start streaming down your face, seemingly against your self control. You don’t understand why his words hurt and feel comforting at the same time. Your mind can’t comprehend really anything that he is saying or what it means, but it feels good to feel his eyes on you and to see the tears of understanding in his eyes.

“I’m feeling you,” he explains, taking your other hand in his. “This is what it feels like to be felt by someone who can feel you. Your parts are drinking it in. The tears are a sign of their defenses melting. You and they need much, much more of this. It was what you were meant to have.”

You nod, again, not sure what it is that you are agreeing to. Yet, you are here with Adam and Eve, bright sun shining on your skin, birds chirping in the background, waves crashing against the shore as you stand on a pristine, white sand beach, feeling the warmth of their hands on yours, feeling their tears as they focus only on you, feeling the love so easily coming from them to you. This does feel like how it was meant to be. This does feel like home.

Adam and Eve walk you to an airy and spacious one room hut made of bamboo and dried palms. There’s an open living space with a kitchen, living room, and sleeping area. It’s cozy, warm, and right on the beach so you can still hear the waves outside. It is decorated in natural fabrics, shells from the ocean, with healthy and vibrant plants tucked in every corner and big cushy pillows on the floor in the living area.

They tell you that they’ll be back in a couple of hours, so you may take this time to relax, rest, and adjust to your new environment. They point out that there is a journal and a pen on the nightstand by the bed if you want to check in with any of your parts about the journey and how they are feeling.

“What do you mean by ‘checking in’?” You ask them as you sit down on one of the cushions on the floor, feeling that same sense of confusion yet familiarity.

Adam and Eve smile and look at each other with empathetic grins, then back at you. “We’ll explain it all to you after you’ve rested more. But, we won’t need to explain much because this will all be natural for you. After all, it’s what you were…”

“Meant to do,” you finish their sentence.

“Yes! You are getting it!” exclaims Adam, flashing his wide grin again. Eve nods happily and exits, leaving Adam standing in the doorway. He gazes at you intensely again, seeming to look straight into the heart of you, peeking at your insides in a focused yet loving way.

“So, why don’t parts of you believe in God?” he asks, his tone innocent and curious, no judgement in his tone that you can feel.

You sigh, memories of Sunday mornings spent in church or synagogue or at temple running through your mind. You remember boredom, disconnect, and an underlying feeling of wrongness about yourself related to God. Or, you have no connection to God at all. It’s a blank canvas, nothing written or imprinted.

“Part of me hates the God of religion,” you answer, using their language despite yourself. Well, using “part of me” seems appropriate in this case because of course not ALL of you feel this way.

Adam nods, as if he deeply understands. “Yes, part of me hates the god of your religions too. Not a God that I would want to get to know.” He moves across the room and sits by you on the cushions laid out on the floor. “We don’t have religions here. We have only experience of That Which Made Us. Our Creator. It is our Mother and our Father. Both.”

“Our religions only have a male God. Our Father. And male prophets too.” Bitterness has crept into your tone. You don’t know where it’s coming from.

Adam looks confused, but you can tell that he is trying to understand and feel where your pain comes from. “But, that would exclude half of your people from having a Creator that matches their own face and bodies! That would make women feel as if they were less than men! As if only men were worthy to be represented by Creator! That would make men feel as if they were better somehow than women. Or that they would have a right to control or dominate the women! And, putting a male face on Creator would make It seem like a human rather than That Which Made Us All!”

You nod sadly, feeling sorry that his grasping of your reality is tainting his own sense of joy and goodness. You begin to worry that you will cause him pain somehow by bringing your life into his.

He picks up what you are feeling and takes your hand. “It’s ok. For the part of you that wants to take care of me, I want to tell it that I am fine. My trust and connection with my Creator runs very deep. Yes, I am shocked and feel very passionate about the picture of your religions being off and hurting many people in its distortions. But, I am here to offer you and any others who would like to receive it, a new experience of their Creator which is not like this one at all. Would you like this?”

You swallow a lump in your throat. It has been a long time since you have felt any longing for God. Or, maybe you have been a spiritual seeker for a long time but have abandoned the idea of a creator and embraced the non-dual or sagely teachings this life. Or, you are connecting to God despite the picture of religion and understand exactly what he is offering. Although you probably wouldn’t be reading this if you did.

“Yes, I would like this,” you say, tears beginning to fall again. “Part of me is afraid of it. Part of me feels very angry at the religion’s God, as I said before. And part of me…maybe this is me, feels very much like the Creator you describe is what I was meant to experience.”

“Yes, it is,” Adam says, wiping away your tears with his hands. “This, as all things, will be negotiated with your parts at a rate and pace that you and they can bear. This is the mercifulness of my Creator and especially the Mother’s face of the Creator. She holds us as we feel our pain and makes it possible for us to bear it. She wipes our tears and She will help you get to know the most sacred and precious aspect of you called your Daemon or Soul Guardian. This part of you will become your collaborator, your muse, your pipeline to Divine guidance, and help you open up access to your soul gifts. As you feel this Daemon part of you, you help it heal from past life pains and traumas. It needs your human heart and compassion in order to heal.”

You nod, as if you have any idea what he is talking about. But, again, it just all sounds right even if the words are foreign. Mother’s Face of the Creator. Daemon. Past lives.

“Is there a young part inside of me too?” You ask, already knowing that there is. You have heard of the idea of having an “inner child” and this is something that you’ve felt inside of yourself in response to doing fun things or eating particular foods from your childhood. Or you’ve felt this part in response to your own children.

“Of course, yes,” says Adam, gazing at you again. “This part of you is very sweet. Very innocent in its’ nature. Yet, also, it is in much pain and very shy. This part of you suffered much in your childhood and your caretakers, even if they love you very much, weren’t able to feel you while you were experiencing those pains. So those pains get stuck at certain ages and places. This young part of you may actually be several parts stuck in different times because the pain was not able to be digested by you and so it remains subconsciously stuck there.”

“Do you have parts? Or were you felt by your caregiver while you were feeling things?”

Adam looks down for a minute, as if contemplating how to answer. Then, he looks up, more serious again. “Eve and I are the first of our kind. We are the only humans on Utopia. This is why we’ve invited people from your world to join us, even though we can feel how different we are from you right now. Our Creator has guided us to bring others this picture of life that we were just born into. Our Creator offers that some people will respond to it and come along although it will be much harder for you because you will need to heal from the pains that you brought with you rather than just your reactions in the moment, as Eve and I do.”

You realize now that there were no other Utopians to greet your ship as it landed. Only Eve and then Adam came along soon after. You realize that you have not seen any other Utopians since you have arrived there. You realize that actually there were no other people from Earth who came along with you on your journey. You were the only one who answered the call for adventure, journey into the unknown, and took the risks that that choice required of you. You feel a rush of loneliness and homesickness, suddenly thinking of your family. Or maybe your children. Or your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend.

“You and Eve must feel so lonely!” You exclaim, again feeling an impulse to take care of this wonderful and strange man that you’ve just met.

Adam gazes at you. “Yes and no,” he says. “Our love and connection with each other is very deep and rich. We are individuals as our Creator intended us to be. Yet, our intimacy ground, our “usness” as we like to call it, is a third entity that we both serve love to and respond to on a moment by moment basis. I do not own Eve nor does she own me. We have a commitment to serve love in the moment, that is all. We do not understand what you call “marriage contracts.” You cannot guarantee something such as love. It arises or it does not. You cannot control it. You can open your heart to let in more or you can feel where you do not feel connected in love anymore.”

You are amazed by his description of love and intimacy as it is so different than the mainstream picture of marriage, divorce, and expectation of lifelong commitment and staying together no matter how unhappy you are. Yet still, he admitted to being lonely even with his connection with Eve?

“Yes, Eve and I felt a growing desire to share our love and goodness with others. To invite, as I said, others into our garden of love and invite them to eat the fruit of the Creator’s love with us.”

You are suddenly reminded of the Garden of Eden and the serpent and the apple and original sin. You are reminded of the fall of humanity from the grace of God. You are reminded of Original Sin and the twisted way that religion has presented the very thing that you are now being invited to become part of.

“That story has indeed been twisted,” says Adam, seeming to read your mind. “The garden of Eden is not a place, although where you are now comes close. The Garden of Eden lives inside of your heart. It lives as a seed, planted inside of you by your Creator. Planted inside every person as a reflection of the sacred human essence for which we are all made is the template of your own expression of an Adam or an Eve. Your seeds just need water to grow and bloom into the sacred human you were meant to be. But the false self part of you which is created in order to fit into the barren world for which you are born keeps you small and denied of this food. Your false selves use stories such as the distorted one that we just mentioned to keep you from letting in the love water and food that is actually always available to you.”

The Garden of Eden lives inside your heart, you think about this. You like the idea of it and you like the idea of having a seed of sacred human essence that is just waiting to bloom. The idea of a false self, for now, is one that is hard to digest.

“How do I get the water for my seed to bloom?” You are already wondering how bloomed your seed is compared to Adam’s. To your husband or wife’s. To your other family members or friends.

Adam gets up, beginning to head for the door. “It’s not something that you can get,” he says. “It’s only something that you can let in.”

He turns to you one last time and you miss his warmth and comfort already. “And, to be able to do that, you need to feel the parts of you who are afraid to let it in and why they are afraid,” he says. “This is a process of healing that will take some amount of time, energy, and passion for you to be part of. In the meantime, you will have to give up some things that you are currently very attached to because it is most likely your false self which is attached to them. Any relationship, things, or belief systems that are used to keep you from feeling what your parts and you are authentically feeling will need to be felt into being let go off. There will be many of them and it will be very, very hard. You would only choose to do this if your desire to bloom into your sacred human essence is strong. You would only choose this if you feel a deep loneliness and also a desire to be in deep connection with a heart mate like I described. You would only choose this if you want to deeply know and love your Creator in way that goes much beyond what your religions have offered. You would only choose this if it feels like the only and best way that is being offered to you at this time and if, it feels as if you were meant…”

“To choose it,” you say, finishing his sentence.

He nods softly, saying, “Take your time to feel into this choice, especially now that you and parts of you know what is at stake. Now that you know that basically everything that you have known from your world will be questioned and felt into and potentially need to be let go of, even if for only a phase of time, if that’s what feels right. Now that you have met and experienced Eve and I, take your time to feel into if you want to stay with us and continue your journey.”

He puts his palms together and bows in your direction. You return the gesture, your head spinning and heart churning with all that you’ve experienced and taken in already.

He continues, “If you decide not to, we will send you back to your home with some sadness but also complete acceptance of your decision. If you decide to stay, I promise you that you and your life will not remain unchanged. I promise you that you will experience love in ways and in depths that you cannot even dream or imagine possible at this moment. And I promise you that Eve and I will be there to support and guide you all along your journey and so will your Creator so, in that, you will never really be alone again.”

He leaves you alone with your choices and your possibilities. He leaves you to take your time to “feel into” if you will say yes or no. You curl up on the pillows, wrapping a blanket around your body even though the tropical breezes keep you perfectly cool. You close your eyes, imagining how it would be to leave everything that you’ve come to know as your world and potentially the people in it in order to embark on a new adventure into the garden of your inner Eden. You imagine how it would be to get to know these parts of yourself that Adam has described: your inner child, innocent and shy; your Daemon, tortured yet beloved soul guardian; your false self, self-protective and wanting to keep you safe.

You begin to hope that your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend would want to join you too and that maybe you could have the kind of relationship that Adam and Eve do. You begin to hope that you could feel the Creator the way that Adam described and perhaps feel the part of you that hates God. You begin to wonder how and if you could ever give up that hope and risk to let anything and anyone go who doesn’t serve your most authentic self.

Or maybe you feel only like resting and sleeping for a while. Letting the love and possibilities seep into your starved heart and soul. Doing their magic while you sleep in the arms of unseen angels. You fall asleep resting into the sense, at least in the moment, that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

And, you are.

The Deepest Source Of Stress In Your Life Is..

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

truthtelling2

I like the feeling I get when I write. It’s been a while and I miss it. It’s a feeling of both living out of, and reaching for a deeper consciousness and getting to express a deeper perspective that transcends content based living. I like reading what I wrote and a part of me wonders, “Wow, did I just write that?” I like imagining the readers reaction as I reread it again and again. I also write in search of a deeper glimpse of who I am, and who I am becoming. It’s also a bit of a sterile intimacy too, which part of me judges, as writing about deep personal experience isn’t the same as having one in real time with another person.

That’s a window into me in this moment as I’m writing. This is an example of my emotionally conscious truth telling. It feels different to start with a vulnerable glimpse into what I am feeling rather than some brilliant and well crafted mental words that are designed to mask true feeling and instead seek to impress you and secure your interest.

The feelings about what I, or parts of me, want; the frustrated feelings about what I’m not getting in return; the feelings of writing sometimes to escape the boredom of content-based living are all an aspect of what’s true for me in writing this.

Knowing what’s really going on, at the level of motivation, in the mind and heart of anyone whose writing you read or anyone you relate with changes everything. Not knowing what’s going on inside yourself emotionally and secondarily inside the heart of the person you are relating with is the deepest source of all stress in your life.

In other words, the ‘why’ of why I’m writing, or why I’m seeking your interest is far more powerful and affective than the content of my words. And, it’s true of all relationships.

We have been profoundly conditioned to mask our true feelings….so much so, that most everyone of us, including myself,…our biggest life lesson and healing task this life will be based around regaining our lost sense of feeling ourselves.

It wouldn’t be so bad if our only shortfall was not not knowing and feeling ourselves. The deeper problem is what it leads to, which is lying. It leads to lying of the posturing, pretense and performing variety, non stop, to ourselves and everyone around us, and most of it off of our conscious radar. And there’s such stress that results!

This dynamic of living has become so foundational to us, and interwoven into the very fabric of our beings that if one were to eliminate it in one instant, it would result in a self destruct psychosis too much to bear. We didn’t gain it this way and we don’t lose it this way. We became this way over time, in a process and in relationship with others and with our parts, and in this we can bring what we are authentically feeling and thinking in every moment and that is how we find our way back.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.

Spiritual Tsunami: Recovering The Lost Members Of Your Inner Family

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Tsunami2

Last night, I watched the movie The Impossible.  It is a film based on true events of a family who lived through the horror of the 2009 tsunami in Thailand.  In it, a family is literally torn apart from each other and was able, beyond all odds, to reunite themselves with each other in the end.

As I watched, I could feel my Daemon, Raybone, analogizing it to a spiritual tsunami that is crashing on the shores of humanity.   Our human family has been torn apart by lifetimes of destructive forces that have left us feeling alone and afraid.  We have been separated from each other and are longing to connect again to the soul of our connectedness.  War, famine, politics, money, poverty, environmental concerns, just to name a few, are drowning out our connection to each other and to the Divine.

The irony is that the solution to these issues could very well be the thing that brings us back together.  But the question is how do we ‘solve’ these overwhelming forces of our current situation?  Raybone would offer that the solution is within ourselves.  What is the underlying cause of our predicament?  Leaders of the world are looking at the external rather than the internal.  The mundane rather than the profound.   The material rather than the sacred.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  We must get back to our roots as children of the Divine source of all of life.  Some of us have just given in to powerlessness.  We have no control so we will just sit here and die.  Others are looking for triage and seeking the help they need to survive.  And there are those who are taking it upon themselves to recover the lost souls of their ‘family’.

These people have many names.  They are a part of many groups.  SoulFullHeart is one of them.  It is my doctor, my healer, my calling.  I am not going to claim that it is the only doctor in the house.  However, it is mine.  Through actively engaging in healing your parts and your wounding, you are essentially recovering the lost members of your ‘family’.  You are reconnecting to your authentic self and to the Divine.

We are searching for you.  Aching for you.  Calling for you to find your soulful heart.  It is who you are and were always meant to be.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over the phone.

Related Articles:

Leaving Pleasantville: Claiming Your Soul Bigness

Life As A Divine Playground

Opening Our Blind Eyes

Getting Our Emotional Needs Met Through Parts Work

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

Inner-Child

From the moment we are born, we are being taught how to survive and get our basic needs meet. Our caregivers provide us (most of us in the western world anyway) with food, shelter, and the essentials to help us grow and thrive. They also offer us templates for how to deal with our emotional needs which, in most families, is about not having them at all. We are non-mental, purely emotional and energetic beings as babies, so our reactions to our environment are unfiltered and undefended. We scream when we are upset. We cry when we want something. We fuss when our emotional needs are not being met. We coo and smile when we are in joy. We quickly learn which of these reactions are met with approval and love by our caregivers and which are not. When we scream and cry, we might receive comforting but usually we receive more food and a diaper changing. When we are happy, we receive more attention and love to fortify this expression.

In my experience working with parts or subpersonalities of people and in myself for ten years, it is during even this early time that parts of us and our false self begin to form and the pure, undefended reactions of our authentic self start to be covered over. Parts of us form when we experience pain or trauma from this life or past lives that is undigested and becomes stuck in our subconscious at the time it happened. If our emotional needs could be met in those moments and our pain felt by a loving, heart open other person, the part becomes unstuck and the pain digested through.

This is the digestion process that the SoulFullHeart Way of Life offers us. Through identifying, getting to know through journaling, and having parts felt by a SFH facilitator during sessions, the parts in us that have subconsciously formed begin to heal and eventually integrate into the growing authentic self called the SFH self. The SFH self is who we were meant to be if we’d experienced that our emotional needs were met in every moment and our pain and traumas were able to be digested. The SFH self is the seed of our sacred humanity as a child of Divine parents and is able to hold the parts in a loving, supportive way that provides what we need to heal. The SFH self meets the needs of the parts in a healthy emotional way by feeling them rather than providing them with medications in the form of codependent relationships, substance abuse, and other means that the false self part of us uses to distract and numb our feelings.

Since we are not taught how to meet our own emotional needs nor did we receive a healthy emotionally healthy template from our families (to the degree that they didn’t receive one!), we have to learn this for ourselves though a reconditioning process where the emotional needs of all parts of us is primary to us. The process of healing with parts is ultimately a temporary one, necessary only because in this phase of human consciousness we have placed a priority on mental attainment, physical achievement, family security, codependent relationships, self image creation, superficial entertainment, and material possession. Until we embrace as a culture that our emotional health and healing is the primary way that we filter reality, we need processes such as SoulFullHeart to bring us back into our natural and healthy balance.

I feel the Divine Mother offering that this is an important step to healing ourselves, our planet, and our relationships with each other. There are other steps and paths, yet allowing for the reality of parts seems to bring a catalytic and lasting transformation to our species-long quest for answers, meaning, deeper purpose, and, most importantly, to finally getting our emotional needs met.

 Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.

Love In A Time Of Change

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder

By Jillian Vriend

The seagulls ride air currents, swirling and curling like waves above the sparkling water. Their piercing cries invite me to pay attention, to watch them, to take in their messages offering bridging between water and land. Waves roll in and out, landing mostly softly on the shore, tumbling granite into small speckled stones. The beach stretches out in both directions, empty and still on this rare sunny morning in May. My dog Koda is leaning against me, his heart chakra pressed against my left hand- both giving and receiving love. I sit on secret beach in Gibsons, BC, feeling that I am here. I am where I am meant to be.  I am home.

I am praying in a light way, my thoughts and dialogue with Mother drifting in and out without a clear direction. I express my gratitude to Her for the guidance I received from Her almost a year ago, “Go be near water. To offer this work, you need to be held by water.” I first heard this message while I was sitting on a beach on Gabriola Island, an island a 20 minute ferry ride from Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. My husband Wayne and I spent half of our time on Gabriola Island last year, living in a cottage near the water. SoulFullHeart was born during these visits and we drew the first people to this way of life once we could breathe and be near the water and away from the busy grids of the city.

We stopped renting the cottage in September as we felt Gabriola was too remote and small for us and I received further guidance to explore the Sunshine Coast and specifically the town of Gibsons. The Sunshine Coast is not an island, yet it feels like one because even though it is the same land mass as Vancouver, it is not accessible by car, only by ferry. A 40 minute ferry ride from West Vancouver, Gibsons is a small town with an artistic and environmentally conscious community. The moment we came here it felt like our geographic ‘home.’ We began to bake on our desires to move here back then, feeling that we wanted to stay in North Vancouver until our daughter graduated from high school. Our fellow SoulFullHeart Way of Life members and friends, Christian and Kathleen, actually moved to Gibsons first in March together, allowing us to visit here frequently and fall even more in love with the setting and the breathing space it offered. In a matter of hours after putting our desires out there, Wayne and I drew a new home that has organic garden beds, guest rooms, a large room to host SoulFullHeart groups, is walkable to beaches, and has a view of the ocean.

Our focus over this last year while still living in North Vancouver had been to develop and deepen SoulFullHeart as a way of life and soon a non-profit society. We offered SoulFullHeart through free introduction meetings in North Vancouver and in Squamish. We also appeared on the Conscious Living Radio show twice at the beginning of the year to talk about SoulFullHeart and introduce it to the conscious community there. We are open to drawing those in the Vancouver area, yet, we feel that we would invite them to come to a monthly group here in Gibsons, as we feel the air, sunshine, and water are deeply healing and support their process.

The last month has been full with actualizing our desires and dreams to live on the Sunshine Coast into reality. Many times I could feel parts of me reacting to a change or transition or difficult decision to be made, especially around establishing my daughter on her own in North Vancouver. I could feel a young matriarch part of me having a difficult time letting go of our space, especially her domain in the kitchen, and tensions and anxieties coming from difficult experiences living with others in the past. I experienced a significant cold for the first time in three years and spent a week being with myself, resting, and letting in the changes to come.

Yet, I repeatedly received during this time this message from the Mother, “Want what you want. And let go of how it will come to be.” I feel this is an important message about how to hold our deepest soul and heart desires. She invited me to feel them deeply, no matter how difficult or impossible they seemed, and, at the same time, let go of how they would specifically manifest. Letting go in this way opened me up more to others’ alchemy, Wayne’s leadership, and resource exchanges with others, inviting us into a new economy not based just on money but exchange of value. We are currently staying at a beautiful property in Gibsons for a couple of weeks until our new home is available in exchange for doing painting and other jobs around the property. People here seem more open to exchange and trades in this way wanting to ‘leave the government out of it.’ We are all excited to feel and see how SoulFullHeart may plant and grow in this kind of alternative and conscious soil.

My experience of this process of moving to a new geography over the last year validates my experience that change is a natural process that invites us into our own growth and deepening connection with ourselves, others, and the Divine. If we can hold and feel our relationship to change and be with parts of ourselves which are anxious, concerned, and afraid of it, we can draw to and manifest our deepest desires and dreams. But only if we are open to giving up our attachment to the things, people, careers, medications, etc. which don’t support our most authentic self, numb our feelings, and block the realization of these dreams. We’ve had to say ‘no’ many times over the last year to things which wouldn’t fulfill our desires, but what we were always saying ‘yes’ to was the realization of our dreams and a deeper experience of love.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  

SoulFullHeart Approach To Energy Healing

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment
Jillian feeling energy with a tree near Shannon Falls, BC
Jillian feeling energy with a tree near Shannon Falls, BC

By Jillian Vriend

The SoulFullHeart way of life advocates for integration of emotional and spiritual consciousness leading to holistic healing and that our experience as humans in a physical body is a sacred one. A key difference between us and other energy healing methods is that we offer that negotiation with our Daemon or soul guardian is what allows for our natural gifts as healers to express and be offered. If these gifts are coming through the pipeline of a wounded Daemon, which they are to the degree that someone doesn’t have emotionally conscious connection with them, then the person who is serving the healing is also sharing their wounding and congestion from this life and past lives and even from previous energy sessions with the person they are serving. For this reason, I wouldn’t receive energy healing from anyone that wasn’t actively in emotional connection and negotiation with their Daemon.

When I have met and even received healing from healers in the past who haven’t differentiated from their Daemons, I’ve experienced that they may be able to serve energy to others but they may not actually be very emotionally or energetically sensitive or embodied in practical ways in the everyday world.

After offering energy healing to anyone who wanted it for a period of time, I stopped doing that because I realized that I was taking in toxicity and emotional, spiritual, and energetic wounding from others who hadn’t felt their parts or negotiated with their Daemons in order to allow the loving energies (which mostly come from the Divine Mother for me) into their heart and souls. Their resistance would literally push out stuff at me and I would be left feeling tired and as if it did no lasting good. I also was left feeling that I had invaded parts of them that didn’t actually want the healing and might have very good reasons for feeling that way.

Now, I will only serve SoulFullHeart energy to those who are embracing the SoulFullHeart way of life and working with a SFH facilitator.  I also don’t just serve energy to them in one time sessions, I engage them and their Daemon in active collaboration over time with me, so that they are empowered to help and to deepen their own gifts in this area. I’m also very transparent about what I am doing, what I am seeing, feeling, and hearing, and I feel the parts and their reactions along the way. Since I’ve already established a trusting rapport with the facilitant and  their parts, this is an easy conversation with them and they help the energy to move much more quickly, deeply and effectively than I could have alone.

I feel that this collaboration and transparency allows the energy healing to have much deeper results as the parts and their Daemon aren’t resisting, or negating the movement. This is why I feel that many people go to energy healers and only feel temporary relief, but don’t experience lasting change and transformation on an emotional level. We store toxic frequencies and wounds and even objects in our etheric bodies, yet just moving them out doesn’t address the root cause of the wounds in the first place. It is our process and holding of our parts and our daemon in negotiation and cooperation that allows them to move out energies, but only after we’ve felt them first. In SoulFullHeart, we recommend a SoulFullHeart energy healing session to someone after three to six months of them working with their parts and especially if they have access to their Daemon.

My main sense is that we all have as sacred humans the capacity to offer ourselves and others energy healing frequencies which can heal and purify us. Connecting with and feeling our Daemons allows for these gifts to become more freely and cleanly expressed, especially if we have persecution wounds in our past lives, which most of us do. In another way, there is nothing special about being able to offer energy healing and I love feeling when others are empowered through connection with their own souls to be able to provide this (and intuitive, psychic and direct communication with the Divine as well) for themselves and others whenever they need it. This is what I’ve been offered by the Divine Mother is possible as we more deeply inhabit our sacred human essence through healing and feeling our parts and Daemons.

I feel a desire to serve others through the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life who have identified themselves as healers (even as we all have that capacity) as I feel their call to serve has noble roots and motives. I ache for them to embrace their own emotional and spiritual healing first and foremost and then feel what desire to serve comes from the ground of new self worth and love with the Divine which arises from embracing SoulFullHeart. It’s about offering them a new way of seeing and feeling it from the old way that feels like it is running out of ground and perhaps also not really working anymore. A new way that honors all of us as sacred humans with the capacities to heal, to offer healing, and to integrate our realities- both those we can physically see and those we can’t.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life.  Also, In The Arms Of Mother is a new book now available by Jillian Vriend exploring conscious connection with the Divine Mother.

Message From Dark Mother-Kali: Feel What Is At Stake And You Will Act With Necessary Urgency

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

kali

By Jillian Vriend

Over the next several days, I am going to be sharing messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.

The Dark Madonna represents the hard rains and temperamental weather patterns of Spring and the rebirth of new blooms after the stillness of winter. She wears a dark or black cloak and I’ve seen Her interchangeably as the Dark Madonna and as the Hindu Goddess Kali. The fierce Kali face seems to come in moments of deep change, transformation, and burning off and letting go of what is false. I associate the Dark Mother as representing more of the creative expression and a pressing muse of inspiration. Both of the forms of Her represent feeling what is at stake, the capacity to act when it is necessary, and the cycle of death and rebirth.

I’ve included a video at the end of a song, “Lux Aeterna” by Clint Mansell, which I feel perfectly captures the urgency, intensity, necessary darkness, and creative momentum of the Dark Mother. Here is a recent message I received from the Dark Mother- Kali about 2013 and the state of the world:

My message is the same as it has been for some time. It is many times in these pages, yet I will offer it again for you.

Imagine drumming; a relentless drumming that pulses through you, through your veins and flows throughout your entire body.

Imagine the sky filling with thick, black smoke; smoke that is slowly choking out the sun; smoke that is killing off many of the earth’s animals.

Imagine armies of people with weapons, slaughtering and mutilating each other; blood coursing out of newly inflicted wounds; people walking over the dying and dead without pause.

Imagine drying out seas, rivers, lakes, and streams and being thirsty; being more thirsty then you can even possibly actual imagine because you have never been this thirsty before; your throat as dry as sandpaper, scratchy and itchy.

Imagine unbearable heat and slowly warming seas and lands; icebergs melting at an alarming rate and uncontrollable flooding.

Imagine women and girls with their yonis cut up and mutilated; with men justifying this slaughter by reciting an archaic text in the name of God.

Imagine young children, families, people going without any food or water and the greedy companies that own these resources refusing to share them, wanting to make a profit despite suffering and death.

Imagine the ghosts of animals who have become extinct; killed off by humans without conscience or compassion; killed for superficial or superstitious or false reasons.

Imagine the toxic pollution in your water, in your food, in your bodies, making you sick, slowly killing you and all the creatures that swim and crawl and live in it.

Imagine relationships and marriages without sex, without companionship, without good will, without love.

Can you imagine all of this? Why would you want to? Who would want to imagine these sorts of things? As terrible as it is to imagine all of this, it’s even worse that this is the world that you live in now. This is the reality of life on the planet earth in 2013. There is some hope, always, yet there is much death and even need for much of it to die and new possibilities to be born.

Now, imagine a world where humans and animals live together in conscious and compassionate relationship with each other.

Imagine a world where children and all people have water, food, shelter, and physical safety as part of their birth right as sacred human children of the Divine.

Imagine a world where emotional and spiritual consciousness is more important than mental, physical, and material attainment.

Imagine a world where nature and the environment are in balance with human needs and all humans connected to the consequences of being out of balance with nature.

Imagine healthy, loving, and non-toxic relationships between family members, friends, and romantic mates where emotional health is more important than being safe, secure, and conforming.

Can you feel what is at stake if you continue to be in a world that is hard to imagine, but is unfortunately real and can be truly terrible? Can you feel what is at stake if you do not be the change that you want to see take place in this world in order for it to transform to the one of your dreams?

Imagine what is at stake. Now, imagine doing and being nothing different.

The choice is yours, as it always has been. My desire is that you will make the right ones, even if the personal cost to you is high. I promise you that anything you give up and lose in the process was not a reflection of your authentic self.

There are troubled times and dark events coming, as you’ve already experienced many times before. This is a time of the darkness before the dawn. Hold this in your heart even as you surrender into the darkness when I come for you. Trust that while the pain and loss may feel unbearable, it is temporarily necessary to be born. Just like the pains of labor, there is much to gain from the pain. You gain a new you! A sacredly human you!

So, don’t run if you feel me coming in the form of change, transformation, or transition. See me as a gift out of your deadness and flatness and into real live, pulsing with aliveness, uncertainty, challenge, desire, and love. See, always, if you can feel the love in my offering of change.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life. Read here for more writing about Dark Mother-Kali, including more of Her message about our current troubled times, and visualization visits with Her. To read more about conscious connection with the Divine Mother, In The Arms Of Mother, a book by Jillian Vriend, is available in e-book or print edition on lulu.com.