As I ended my last blog entry months ago, I was driving away with a new sense of vitality and direction. I had made a leap of faith. Well, things did not turn out as “planned”. While there was awareness that anything could change, a part of me assumed that it would be a while if it did. How quickly life can change when you are living the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.
As I settled into my new surroundings, parts of me were still a bit traumatized by the sudden transition. I could not quite feel grounded in my new “home”. This took a toll on my relationship, as I just could not “show up” the way she desired and deserved. There were other factors on both of our sides, but I choose not to elaborate on them here. Eventually, we completed our time together and were both led to the “unknown”. What now?
A part of me thought about leaving and starting a new life somewhere else. Actually, he still does. I felt it would be running away and denying all that I had come to realize about why I was here in the first place. I was here to get to know myself without the distractions of my old life. Here, I am “unknown”. I was used to responding to the needs and passions of others. Now, I am responding to my needs and my desires. They are very small in the moment, but it is a start.
While all this happening, I have a part that is very anxious of the future. He has been so used to planning and strategizing a path to knowingness. To “know” builds a sense of security even though there really is no such thing. It is a perception, an illusion of safety that helps him to feel comforted. This is what most of us tend to do with our lives. Build a construct, a castle if you will, so that parts of us can be okay with our existential fear of not knowing a damn thing. It is a scary place, and I don’t blame them for doing so. However, the castle is made of sand, and eventually will get swept away, this life or the next.
Do I have any clue what happens next? Not really. I have some thoughts and feelings. While the open road is full of possibility and adventure, it is also lonely and scary. But I feel this is what I signed up for. To be living in the unknown. I can have a general desire for my future, but it is just a marker, a place to drive and see what happens. I can spend my time worrying about what “may” lie ahead. I can spend my time trying to “figure out” how I got here. Or I can be in this moment, feeling all that I am feeling, and making small steps into The Living Unknown.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life
In yoga classes that I’ve attended in various places across North America, the postures and physical focus are used as a tool to triumph over the emotional body and mind – two aspects of each human being that are rather important for personal growth. It feels ironic to me that yoga seems to be passed down each lineage without much consideration of this. In my experience, you seem to be expected to attend class and focus on improving control over your body, mind and emotions, rather than experiencing them in a real way. In many ways, yogic philosophy seems to be, or at least seems held by most people to be, about achieving enlightenment through mastery of those three realms.
I have yet to encounter a lineage of yogic practice that actually embraces emotionality and doesn’t encourage the participant/”yogi” to transcend what they are feeling or thinking.
Stillness is wonderful to achieve, but beating yourself into submission to it and not feeling what is there for you to feel is both extremely unkind to the self and our subpersonalities or parts of us. It is also nearly impossible to achieve in this western culture that we have signed up to live in. In this way, yoga has become a form of medication to the majority of western practitioners.
I have also felt a preaching-quality to some yoga classes, as if you are attending church. While I feel the spirituality of yoga should remain intact, the preaching can be a bit much to take in. Especially when most of it is about learning to shut out my mind and emotions from my practice, while my healing work “off the mat” is about going into these very places and learning to love them for what they are. In SoulFullHeart, we challenge the parts that hold our emotional reactions so that they can grow and heal, but never do we try to shut them up or put them out of their misery. My own experience with trying this method is that it doesn’t solve any problems or complete any unfavourable patterns in my life. I tried to use yoga to numb my emotional reality or at least get space from it.
I didn’t realize until I reached a certain point in my personal SFH process that I was doing more harm than good by not actually feeling my emotional reality and pain. I was powerless to change anything in my life for good. Even the body that I achieved from a combination of yoga and other physical activities didn’t last, despite my best efforts. Ironically, though yoga is supposed to help you to find balance (and I do believe that it can potentially) I actually ended up quite out of balance. My Daemon, Itsan, offers me that he feels if more yoga teachers were empathic and honoured the emotional journey and healing that yoga can actually help you access, then their students would have a real opportunity to become their most balanced selves – a goal that many people have when they engage in their practice.
“In fact,” Itsan says, “though many would disagree because at this point they have not been taught any differently, it is impossible to achieve the sage-like balance that most students seek without learning to feel and honour your parts and their emotional realities. For you to feel ‘at one’ with the Universe, you must be in better touch with your psyche and what it holds, not trying to master it. It cannot rest, just as your parts cannot rest, until it is felt. This is honouring your life – past and present – and is a step that cannot be skipped no matter how hard you try. This is especially true in western culture where people are riddled with wounded parts, mostly because of the harsh ‘doing-ness’ reality that they all must live in. ‘Being-ness’ means being with what is…and that includes whatever it is that you are in that moment.”
In other words, it does not feel realistic to expect yourself to become more naturally serene or meditative while you refuse to heal to that place. It is time for a yoga offering that embraces emotionality.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder
By Jillian Vriend
The seagulls ride air currents, swirling and curling like waves above the sparkling water. Their piercing cries invite me to pay attention, to watch them, to take in their messages offering bridging between water and land. Waves roll in and out, landing mostly softly on the shore, tumbling granite into small speckled stones. The beach stretches out in both directions, empty and still on this rare sunny morning in May. My dog Koda is leaning against me, his heart chakra pressed against my left hand- both giving and receiving love. I sit on secret beach in Gibsons, BC, feeling that I am here. I am where I am meant to be. I am home.
I am praying in a light way, my thoughts and dialogue with Mother drifting in and out without a clear direction. I express my gratitude to Her for the guidance I received from Her almost a year ago, “Go be near water. To offer this work, you need to be held by water.” I first heard this message while I was sitting on a beach on Gabriola Island, an island a 20 minute ferry ride from Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. My husband Wayne and I spent half of our time on Gabriola Island last year, living in a cottage near the water. SoulFullHeart was born during these visits and we drew the first people to this way of life once we could breathe and be near the water and away from the busy grids of the city.
We stopped renting the cottage in September as we felt Gabriola was too remote and small for us and I received further guidance to explore the Sunshine Coast and specifically the town of Gibsons. The Sunshine Coast is not an island, yet it feels like one because even though it is the same land mass as Vancouver, it is not accessible by car, only by ferry. A 40 minute ferry ride from West Vancouver, Gibsons is a small town with an artistic and environmentally conscious community. The moment we came here it felt like our geographic ‘home.’ We began to bake on our desires to move here back then, feeling that we wanted to stay in North Vancouver until our daughter graduated from high school. Our fellow SoulFullHeart Way of Life members and friends, Christian and Kathleen, actually moved to Gibsons first in March together, allowing us to visit here frequently and fall even more in love with the setting and the breathing space it offered. In a matter of hours after putting our desires out there, Wayne and I drew a new home that has organic garden beds, guest rooms, a large room to host SoulFullHeart groups, is walkable to beaches, and has a view of the ocean.
Our focus over this last year while still living in North Vancouver had been to develop and deepen SoulFullHeart as a way of life and soon a non-profit society. We offered SoulFullHeart through free introduction meetings in North Vancouver and in Squamish. We also appeared on the Conscious Living Radio show twice at the beginning of the year to talk about SoulFullHeart and introduce it to the conscious community there. We are open to drawing those in the Vancouver area, yet, we feel that we would invite them to come to a monthly group here in Gibsons, as we feel the air, sunshine, and water are deeply healing and support their process.
The last month has been full with actualizing our desires and dreams to live on the Sunshine Coast into reality. Many times I could feel parts of me reacting to a change or transition or difficult decision to be made, especially around establishing my daughter on her own in North Vancouver. I could feel a young matriarch part of me having a difficult time letting go of our space, especially her domain in the kitchen, and tensions and anxieties coming from difficult experiences living with others in the past. I experienced a significant cold for the first time in three years and spent a week being with myself, resting, and letting in the changes to come.
Yet, I repeatedly received during this time this message from the Mother, “Want what you want. And let go of how it will come to be.” I feel this is an important message about how to hold our deepest soul and heart desires. She invited me to feel them deeply, no matter how difficult or impossible they seemed, and, at the same time, let go of how they would specifically manifest. Letting go in this way opened me up more to others’ alchemy, Wayne’s leadership, and resource exchanges with others, inviting us into a new economy not based just on money but exchange of value. We are currently staying at a beautiful property in Gibsons for a couple of weeks until our new home is available in exchange for doing painting and other jobs around the property. People here seem more open to exchange and trades in this way wanting to ‘leave the government out of it.’ We are all excited to feel and see how SoulFullHeart may plant and grow in this kind of alternative and conscious soil.
My experience of this process of moving to a new geography over the last year validates my experience that change is a natural process that invites us into our own growth and deepening connection with ourselves, others, and the Divine. If we can hold and feel our relationship to change and be with parts of ourselves which are anxious, concerned, and afraid of it, we can draw to and manifest our deepest desires and dreams. But only if we are open to giving up our attachment to the things, people, careers, medications, etc. which don’t support our most authentic self, numb our feelings, and block the realization of these dreams. We’ve had to say ‘no’ many times over the last year to things which wouldn’t fulfill our desires, but what we were always saying ‘yes’ to was the realization of our dreams and a deeper experience of love.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
The SoulFullHeart way of life advocates for integration of emotional and spiritual consciousness leading to holistic healing and that our experience as humans in a physical body is a sacred one. A key difference between us and other energy healing methods is that we offer that negotiation with our Daemon or soul guardian is what allows for our natural gifts as healers to express and be offered. If these gifts are coming through the pipeline of a wounded Daemon, which they are to the degree that someone doesn’t have emotionally conscious connection with them, then the person who is serving the healing is also sharing their wounding and congestion from this life and past lives and even from previous energy sessions with the person they are serving. For this reason, I wouldn’t receive energy healing from anyone that wasn’t actively in emotional connection and negotiation with their Daemon.
When I have met and even received healing from healers in the past who haven’t differentiated from their Daemons, I’ve experienced that they may be able to serve energy to others but they may not actually be very emotionally or energetically sensitive or embodied in practical ways in the everyday world.
After offering energy healing to anyone who wanted it for a period of time, I stopped doing that because I realized that I was taking in toxicity and emotional, spiritual, and energetic wounding from others who hadn’t felt their parts or negotiated with their Daemons in order to allow the loving energies (which mostly come from the Divine Mother for me) into their heart and souls. Their resistance would literally push out stuff at me and I would be left feeling tired and as if it did no lasting good. I also was left feeling that I had invaded parts of them that didn’t actually want the healing and might have very good reasons for feeling that way.
Now, I will only serve SoulFullHeart energy to those who are embracing the SoulFullHeart way of life and working with a SFH facilitator. I also don’t just serve energy to them in one time sessions, I engage them and their Daemon in active collaboration over time with me, so that they are empowered to help and to deepen their own gifts in this area. I’m also very transparent about what I am doing, what I am seeing, feeling, and hearing, and I feel the parts and their reactions along the way. Since I’ve already established a trusting rapport with the facilitant and their parts, this is an easy conversation with them and they help the energy to move much more quickly, deeply and effectively than I could have alone.
I feel that this collaboration and transparency allows the energy healing to have much deeper results as the parts and their Daemon aren’t resisting, or negating the movement. This is why I feel that many people go to energy healers and only feel temporary relief, but don’t experience lasting change and transformation on an emotional level. We store toxic frequencies and wounds and even objects in our etheric bodies, yet just moving them out doesn’t address the root cause of the wounds in the first place. It is our process and holding of our parts and our daemon in negotiation and cooperation that allows them to move out energies, but only after we’ve felt them first. In SoulFullHeart, we recommend a SoulFullHeart energy healing session to someone after three to six months of them working with their parts and especially if they have access to their Daemon.
My main sense is that we all have as sacred humans the capacity to offer ourselves and others energy healing frequencies which can heal and purify us. Connecting with and feeling our Daemons allows for these gifts to become more freely and cleanly expressed, especially if we have persecution wounds in our past lives, which most of us do. In another way, there is nothing special about being able to offer energy healing and I love feeling when others are empowered through connection with their own souls to be able to provide this (and intuitive, psychic and direct communication with the Divine as well) for themselves and others whenever they need it. This is what I’ve been offered by the Divine Mother is possible as we more deeply inhabit our sacred human essence through healing and feeling our parts and Daemons.
I feel a desire to serve others through the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life who have identified themselves as healers (even as we all have that capacity) as I feel their call to serve has noble roots and motives. I ache for them to embrace their own emotional and spiritual healing first and foremost and then feel what desire to serve comes from the ground of new self worth and love with the Divine which arises from embracing SoulFullHeart. It’s about offering them a new way of seeing and feeling it from the old way that feels like it is running out of ground and perhaps also not really working anymore. A new way that honors all of us as sacred humans with the capacities to heal, to offer healing, and to integrate our realities- both those we can physically see and those we can’t.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life. Also, In The Arms Of Mother is a new book now available by Jillian Vriend exploring conscious connection with the Divine Mother.
I’ve been digesting the outrageous news this week: that the government of Cyprus, an island country in the Eastern Mediterranean Sea, is in cahoots with the European Union this week to essentially steal 7% to 10% of people’s savings from their bank accounts. The German leaders actually advocated for taking 40%. I’m sure it’s not the first time, and surely not the last, but things are heating up in our global society. My sense is that this year is a tipping point. The pace of the changes seems so swift on one level, and so slow on another.
Many of us are simply keeping our eyes on the busyness and content of our time and energy demanding lifestyles, and pass off these mildly troubling stories in the news as stuff beyond our control. We say to ourselves, ‘I have plenty to manage here right now, I couldn’t get worked up about this if I tried.’
But, I invite you to ask yourself: What is my relationship to change? How will I be affected by global changes that I can’t control? And, just what do I ‘control’ in relationship to change?
Take a look at the nature of the changes our global society is undergoing. Crisis in capitalism is a big one, with simply too much debt and pretense toppling the money systems, and the ever increasing wealth gap between those living in riches and those living in scarcity. Then there is the related crisis in climate change and global warming. The approaching end of fossil fuels. Poor health where starvation and obesity occur in the same body….just to name a few. Something is unmistakably dying.
Relating to these changes as somehow global, rather than personal, comes from denying our fundamental interconnectedness with everything. People are dying there, not here. There is choking smog in Beijing, not here. That nuclear disaster is on the other side of the planet. That’s like saying, my liver is in pain and having a bad day, but I’m doing fine. If you are alive, you are undergoing and impacted by fundamental change, whether you are conscious of it or not.
The responsible and conscious question is not how can I avoid change, but how can I avoid the pain of being asleep and unprepared emotionally to the changes that are going on around me? How can I learn, grow, and heal and assist others in doing the same, in the midst of these sweeping changes?
You may feel stuck in an immovable lifestyle where it feels like time is a rare commodity. You may feel overworked, under-rested, where your bodies health ‘is what it is,’ and doesn’t feel like any real change is within reach, where friendships ‘are what they are,’ where sex is what it is, and you couldn’t begin to even imagine how they could be meaningfully different. This flat feeling about your life is actually a healthy one, a sign that something is actually working perfectly. You are living in a carefully crafted and chosen way of life, where even your lack of consciousness up until now is an aspect of the necessary plan.
Moving from feeling flat and deeply in survival mode to feeling alive, energized, and experiencing desire, and true pleasure in our lives, is about feeling both how incredibly fast and how incredibly slow the changes actually are. In nature, we see trees standing up for 500 years and lightning that strikes them down in one second. Both are true. Some things about your life will persist until the end of your life, other things will fall away in a surprising moment of swift change.
How you relate to change, rather than seeking to avoid it, is where you have power and soft control. Fearing running out of money to support your current lifestyle and having to face an uncomfortable feeling of low self worth tied to inadequacy can either be an attempt fueling the status quo in your life or it can be a path to letting in healthy change. Whether we are in ‘resistance to change mode’ or ‘letting in change mode’, makes all the difference in the inevitable changes that are coming our way.
In the natural cycles of nature and seasons, If something is dying, that always means that something is being born. Old is always giving way to new. It’s true of your life right now. Your life right now, how it feels to be you, inside of your body, inside of your beliefs and outlook, what you feel about others, about the Divine, about yourself…… is all to do with what you have encountered up until now.
What are you feeling as you read my words? Do they resonate with something inside of you? Do they call out to you to feel deeper? Do they call out to you to connect with me, or to connect with a part of yourself that you haven’t up until now? Are they timely to an answer you have been seeking? This is the change that is under your feet right now, that won’t ever stop. Also, what gives us courage to let in change is to feel what doesn’t change, and to let more of that into your consciousness. Love from the divine, from the universe, and from my dog (who seems to beat me most days on being connected to what is) allows me to find courage to live into and accept change as the only constant in my life.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
You won’t dream. Dreaming is scary to you. It allows for you to imagine a reality better than the one you are living and better than what the status quo can offer you. Actually admitting that you desire something or someone better means that you are discovering your unhappiness. If you dream but have never lived into your dreams, you have yet to take off the covers and ask for guidance to your next step. You have yet to say “yes” to risk. Nothing in this life is a given. Nothing is a guarantee. Yet, everything is possible. You increase the odds in your favor by believing that you can and by healing towards your desires and even daring to desire in the first place. And feeling the pitfalls and firewalks along the way.
Your life becomes alive when you raise the stakes. When getting what you want matters. When you say “yes” to the next step or call to action. The Divine wants your heart felt dreams to come true, even the ones you haven’t dreamt of yet and always takes you were you need to go if you just say, “yes”.
I want to be a testament to all the dreamers out there. I want to be a pillar of where courage and risk can take you. Look at me. You do not know me or much about my journey yet, but I have come very far. I still struggle at times with allowing the Divine in. It is scary and yet relieving to relinquish control and simply hold your desires as precious and sacred, which they are. All of them. Every single one.
Being part of SoulFullHeart has helped me let in the love I have desired and deserved to have all along. I am still living into my dreams and allowing them to happen. I am still allowing my new soul mate relationship with Christian to come in fully. Having a love that has moved so much for me, so quickly, is scary to parts of me and yet is what I’ve always dreamt of. Now we’re living together. This is a living into of a dream that I never thought would be possible at this pace. I am in love with a mate I felt in my heart must exist somewhere even though descriptions of him that I had in my heart seemed impossible to ever find. To boot, I was consistently told by other members of my gender and birth family that finding a man like this was impossible.
I can feel my surrogacy with the Divine Mother, especially in the form of Magdalene, is what is helping me to let my mate in. She is helping me heal my relationship to my body, an important crucible for me in this life and a wall that has actually been blocking my mate’s love from coming into me and into my heart and body. For the first time in my life, I can feel my sense of worthiness healing and the more it heals, the more goodness I can let in and the more dreams I can allow to come true.
I can feel the Divine Mother in all of Her forms- Mary, Kuan Yin, Magdalene, and Kali– wanting to go into you and be an energy of fluidity and flow in your life as well as mine. We have only to say, “yes” when She comes knocking at our door offering us our dreams.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
I’ve now shared the messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
Mother Mary represents the West direction; left and yin side; the cleansing and purifying qualities of Autumn; and the active time before the stillness of winter comes. She wears a light blue cloak and has long, brown hair. Rather than feeling Mary as literally a virgin as fundamentalist religions portray Her, I have experienced Her as holding the essence of purity and innocence for us so we can feel it as a reflection of our sacred human essence. In Her, I most feel what I call the “Divine Mother”, although all face of the Mother hold frequencies of this. It was with Mary’s support and strength that I have taken needed space in relating with my birth mother. I felt that the degree that I was holding on to a false mother relationship was the degree that I couldn’t let the Divine Mother in at deeper levels. I feel that the Divine Mother calls us to be willing to give up any falseness in our relationships and medicating realities for phases of time that parts of us are clinging to that no longer nourish and serve our growing SFH self.
Mary offers us a possibility and template of our own purity, our Divine child essence, a reclaiming of this essence and our birthright as Her and the Divine Father’s daughter or son. For women, She offers a template of authentic compassion and care, beautiful and comforting love, and a capacity to feel others and ourselves without defensiveness and with healthy protective boundaries in place. For men, She offers a womb of clean motherly love with complete dedication without smothering, a support of male strength and leadership, and an encouragement for the man to embrace his feminine side. Here is a recent message I received from the Mother Mary about 2013 and the state of the world:
You are my children, suffering. I am your mother, weeping.
I open my arms to you. Come inside them and rest your head on my chest. Feel my cloak around you keeping you warm and safe.
I feel how you are hurting and in pain. I’ve felt this for so long inside of you and it hurts me too. I forgive you for this pain even as I offer to you that you can move beyond it. That you can heal beyond it. I do not know if you will and I cannot make you do anything you don’t want to do, nor would I want you to.
Yet, if you could see and feel the world as I do! You can stay in my embrace, just open your heart to feel. That’s it.
I see a man with a gun and I can feel the child inside of him, the wounded son who never felt loved or cared for by his father or mother.
I see a woman lying on her back for money and I can feel the wounded daughter in her who only got attention for her physical appearance.
I see a gang of men raping a woman and I can feel the wound from past lives of both persecuting and being persecuted.
I see a person who hunts without conscience and I can feel the parts of them who feels hunted by life, trapped and unable to change.
I see a company without morals and focused only on profit and I can feel the closed off hearts of the people who run this company, unable to feel themselves or others.
This is some of what I see when I look into the heart of any man or woman. I feel the wounded child inside. The innocent core too. The purity and the goodness that is often buried deep. I feel their sacred humanity that is waiting to bloom. Waiting for water of love, compassion, and feeling.
This is what I see and feel about you, my sacred human children, and this is why I can forgive you for where most of you are now. I forgive, yes, and yet I ache for you to embody what your capacity is. I ache for you to grow up with your childlike innocence intact. I ache for you to feel my arms around you always and not forget anymore that I am there. I ache for you to forgive yourselves, for this life and many lifetimes. I ache for you to heal, to heal with and in love, and to offer healing with love to others too.
You can stay here, in my arms, as long as you need to. I am always here. I cannot and will not leave you, even if you do not let me in or see me or receive me.
I love you and all that you are, even the darkest of sides of you, and I will always and forever,
The line upon which I stood was clear in relation to the expansive depth. A part of me just saw an endless void. My daemon knew better. What is to fear when you have wings? As the rocks began to crumble under the weight of my heavy heart and a mirror placed in front of me by my mate, a decision had to be made. Do I continue to placate the fear that a part of me has always succumbed to or do I lay claim to my arising authentic self? When you feel your true desire in relation to what has been constructed for the sake of safety and predictability, there really is no choice but the one that honours life and love. In the words of Carl Jung, “If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.”
So, I did. I resigned from a 12-year teaching career. In the middle of a school year. Who does that? Not many. The part of me that had built this cardboard kingdom, Chris, was terrified not just of the financial impact, but also the perception of others and how they would respond to me.
“What are you thinking?” asks Chris.
“I’m not thinking actually. I’m feeling,” I say back to him. This would be my response to those who asked me the same question.
“I hope you know what you are doing,” he retorts back.
“Well, I may not know exactly what I am ‘doing,’ but I know what I am being. Honest with my heart, true to myself, and in surrender to the Divine presence in my life. I am following Love.” He wasn’t really convinced and had moments of kicking at me. I had set fire to his kingdom, why shouldn’t he be upset? However, there was no more negotiating on the same ground he has been walking on for years. Time to negotiate on new ground. With my authentic self in the driver’s seat, he has become my adviser to all things practical. And, dammit, if he isn’t good at it.
My decision sent shock waves through my whole school community. To many, it was a breath of fresh air. Something that a part of them wishes they could do. It was inspirational without having to risk anything. These parts could live vicariously through me, dream for a bit, and then ultimately go back to work. For others, it was a reaffirmation of their passion and dedication to a career they felt they were destined for. And some just completely disagreed with me. A part of them needed to protest in order to feel better about their own decision to stay stuck. These “unusual” decisions shake the foundations of the false self and cause a myriad of reactions. But, above all, these actions question the reality that the false self has created in defense of our authentic being.
The days that followed were surreal. Half in, half out. Telling my students was the hardest part. How to let them know the person they spend most of their days with would no longer be there to welcome them at the door. “Lead with your heart and the rest will follow,” said the Divine Mother. So, I did. In a circle of love, I told them of my decision to follow my heart. With their mouths agape in shock, I encouraged them to express all they were feeling or would eventually feel, whether it was sadness, anger, or maybe even joy. It was important they knew it was all real and all right for them to feel, whatever their reactions were.
Most of what I received from them was sadness that I would be gone, but also happiness that they got to be in my classroom while they did. To leave these cherubs was the hardest part of all. It made me realize that children hold a special place in my heart, just not in the role of classroom teacher. They are all Mother’s children, and when you feel their hearts, it is easier to feel their purity and goodness.
As for the staff, I was gifted with heartfelt reflections and support. These people had become my second family in dedication to our students and in genuine friendship. Another difficult piece to let in and let go of. So much love that I had had to let it in in stages. Pictures of the past 12 years flooded my mind and made their way to my heart as tears of joy, sadness, frustration, love, and fear fell and broke the dam wide open. These were not your ordinary co-workers. They were brothers and sisters to a part of me. They will be dearly missed.
So, now what? Well, I am letting my heart lead. A new kingdom takes time to rebuild. It takes faith and courage. I have both, I just need my parts to trust me and my Daemon. The only way that happens is to feel them when they need to be felt. For my Chris part, this will be a daily dialogue. He needs to know that he is part of this new kingdom, even if his old one didn’t stand. As for my Erick part, he is ready to run with the bulls in Barcelona. I clearly will have to negotiate THAT one. My young Christopher just wants to have some fun and not be so serious. They all have different needs and desires. It is my role as my SFH self to show up for all of them.
The cliff is behind me and I have landed on the other side. The road is wide and infinite. Anything is possible. I have a new life with a new love. This time, I am in the driver’s seat and I’m not letting go of the wheel.
Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more articles and information.
Over the next several days, I am going to be sharing messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability.
In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
Magdalene represents the southern direction. She embodies sisterhood, community, connection, and the healing of feminine competition and envy. She offers that no real separation can exist among women or men as we are all connected in a web for which Earth and nature are inseparable in spirit to us. She wears a deep red cloak and has reddish-blond, curly, long hair. She is the lover, the feminine mate, and the one who celebrates romance. She holds the frequencies of match maker and takes real delight in intimate connections happening between lovers in seemingly random ways. She is summer time love, warmth and heat, and embracing nature and enjoyment of being outdoors. She holds frequencies of pagan practices, Goddess worship, alchemical Christianity (without making the body bad or sinful), earth-based magic, tantric and kundalini forces. She is the female twin of Christ Consciousness and I feel She was the soul mate of Jesus during the lifetime he incarnated here.
Magdalene is the holder of our past reincarnations on Earth and perhaps in other dimensions as well. She is connected to the web of Oneness, the Akashic records, and the grids over this reality. I feel she also empowers our third eye or sixth chakra development and growth offering us visions, intuitions, pictures, and access to our natural healing capacities. Here is a recent message I received from the Magdalene about 2013 and the state of the world:
My sisters, my brothers! Where have we gone wrong? When did we stop dancing and singing? Some of you still do, but the numbers become fewer and fewer every day.
I do not like being alarming. It is not my nature as much as the others, yet, I am becoming more alarmed with each day that passes. I’ve seen many worlds come and go. Worlds that were as real as yours and then become destroyed, living only on in memory, feeling then only as real as your fairy tales.
I can help you remember these other worlds, learning lessons from the shadows of these civilizations, the ways they destroyed themselves, the ways they were glorious. I offer an experience of the past in order to learn and heal and move on.
What is your past? What is painful about it? Why is it hard to remember? Why do you act like you don’t have any past lives? What is the legacy that you hold? I want you to remember and to heal.
There is much congestion and wounding from the past, so much to recover and heal from. The wounds of persecution influence the acts of persecution, both outwardly and inwardly expressed, that happen all over the world today.
The wounds of religious persecution, intolerance, and hatred play out today in holy wars on lands scarred by oil drilling and stained with blood. We need to embrace healing these wounds together and to feel how religious intolerance is a curse of human consciousness which must shift or threaten to collapse and destroy your world.
Love….I want to speak of love now. I want to speak of romantic love between growth mates, lovers united by love and connection, collaborators offering their soul gifts together to the world. I want to speak of sacred friendship between men and women, women and women, men and men. Friendships connected by shared values, deep resonance, authenticity, desire for self and others’ growth.
And, I want to speak of family. True family. Heart family, not birth family. Allegiance to birth family, much like religious intolerance, has led to so many problems and pain! You were born to them, yet you aren’t bond to them for life. Why did you ever think you were? See what can arise if you ask for more, if you bring more of who you are, if you commit to healing yourself and your parts and invite them to do the same. Then your birth family might become your true heart and soul family. And, you will draw your true heart and soul family as you heal and let go of the unhealthy attachments to your birth family.
I want to speak of healing. Healing that is not about curing, but is about experiencing more of your own heart, your soul, your passions, your gifts, your creativity, your song and dance. Healing that frees you from pain and suffering for good and for long lasting. Healing that transforms you from false to authentic, connects you to your essence as a sacred human child.
SoulFullHeart, as offered through Jillian and Wayne, is one way. It is a way that is easier for me to come through and chat with you, which I love to do. But there are others. Find them and let them in your heart and live as you were meant to live. Be who you were meant to be with all your heart, body, and soul.
Love as you were meant to love and the world is saved along with you,
Over the next several days, I am going to be sharing messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
The Dark Madonna represents the hard rains and temperamental weather patterns of Spring and the rebirth of new blooms after the stillness of winter. She wears a dark or black cloak and I’ve seen Her interchangeably as the Dark Madonna and as the Hindu Goddess Kali. The fierce Kali face seems to come in moments of deep change, transformation, and burning off and letting go of what is false. I associate the Dark Mother as representing more of the creative expression and a pressing muse of inspiration. Both of the forms of Her represent feeling what is at stake, the capacity to act when it is necessary, and the cycle of death and rebirth.
I’ve included a video at the end of a song, “Lux Aeterna” by Clint Mansell, which I feel perfectly captures the urgency, intensity, necessary darkness, and creative momentum of the Dark Mother. Here is a recent message I received from the Dark Mother- Kali about 2013 and the state of the world:
My message is the same as it has been for some time. It is many times in these pages, yet I will offer it again for you.
Imagine drumming; a relentless drumming that pulses through you, through your veins and flows throughout your entire body.
Imagine the sky filling with thick, black smoke; smoke that is slowly choking out the sun; smoke that is killing off many of the earth’s animals.
Imagine armies of people with weapons, slaughtering and mutilating each other; blood coursing out of newly inflicted wounds; people walking over the dying and dead without pause.
Imagine drying out seas, rivers, lakes, and streams and being thirsty; being more thirsty then you can even possibly actual imagine because you have never been this thirsty before; your throat as dry as sandpaper, scratchy and itchy.
Imagine unbearable heat and slowly warming seas and lands; icebergs melting at an alarming rate and uncontrollable flooding.
Imagine women and girls with their yonis cut up and mutilated; with men justifying this slaughter by reciting an archaic text in the name of God.
Imagine young children, families, people going without any food or water and the greedy companies that own these resources refusing to share them, wanting to make a profit despite suffering and death.
Imagine the ghosts of animals who have become extinct; killed off by humans without conscience or compassion; killed for superficial or superstitious or false reasons.
Imagine the toxic pollution in your water, in your food, in your bodies, making you sick, slowly killing you and all the creatures that swim and crawl and live in it.
Imagine relationships and marriages without sex, without companionship, without good will, without love.
Can you imagine all of this? Why would you want to? Who would want to imagine these sorts of things? As terrible as it is to imagine all of this, it’s even worse that this is the world that you live in now. This is the reality of life on the planet earth in 2013. There is some hope, always, yet there is much death and even need for much of it to die and new possibilities to be born.
Now, imagine a world where humans and animals live together in conscious and compassionate relationship with each other.
Imagine a world where children and all people have water, food, shelter, and physical safety as part of their birth right as sacred human children of the Divine.
Imagine a world where emotional and spiritual consciousness is more important than mental, physical, and material attainment.
Imagine a world where nature and the environment are in balance with human needs and all humans connected to the consequences of being out of balance with nature.
Imagine healthy, loving, and non-toxic relationships between family members, friends, and romantic mates where emotional health is more important than being safe, secure, and conforming.
Can you feel what is at stake if you continue to be in a world that is hard to imagine, but is unfortunately real and can be truly terrible? Can you feel what is at stake if you do not be the change that you want to see take place in this world in order for it to transform to the one of your dreams?
Imagine what is at stake. Now, imagine doing and being nothing different.
The choice is yours, as it always has been. My desire is that you will make the right ones, even if the personal cost to you is high. I promise you that anything you give up and lose in the process was not a reflection of your authentic self.
There are troubled times and dark events coming, as you’ve already experienced many times before. This is a time of the darkness before the dawn. Hold this in your heart even as you surrender into the darkness when I come for you. Trust that while the pain and loss may feel unbearable, it is temporarily necessary to be born. Just like the pains of labor, there is much to gain from the pain. You gain a new you! A sacredly human you!
So, don’t run if you feel me coming in the form of change, transformation, or transition. See me as a gift out of your deadness and flatness and into real live, pulsing with aliveness, uncertainty, challenge, desire, and love. See, always, if you can feel the love in my offering of change.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life. Read here for more writing about Dark Mother-Kali, including more of Her message about our current troubled times, and visualization visits with Her. To read more about conscious connection with the Divine Mother, In The Arms Of Mother, a book by Jillian Vriend, is available in e-book or print edition on lulu.com.
Divine Self Embodiment Blog (Formerly SoulFullHeart) 