Tag: consciousness

Fire Among The Ashes: A Mid-Life Awakening

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

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By Christopher Tydeman

I am typing this on New Year’s Eve 2014. A typical time for reflection. It is also a few weeks before my birthday. Those two events always elucidate a form of taking stock and evaluation. They just happen to be really close in proximity for me. A double dose in this case. I find that to be a blessing in the moment. It signifies something big for me. I know that time is just an illusion, but to a part of me it has much relevance as a marker or a yard stick. If I hold it with a larger context then this part of me doesn’t get mired in the content of what didn’t happen this year or what should happen in the following year of my life.

I was staring at a bed of coals from a campfire. The burning embers were glowing with their hot orange and red hue while surrounded by the dead gray ash of the previous flame. It was like looking at a pulsating heart in the middle of a dying body. As each moment passed the life of the fire became smaller and smaller until it would eventually merge with its lifeless surroundings. There was a message or a metaphor in that for me.

I am entering a new phase of my life. A completely new life to be honest. I am no longer a part of the old structure and conditioning I was used to for 43 years. I am in a foreign country with basic yet emerging language skills, a dwindling fiat currency supply, and, at present, no generation of future funds. This couldn’t be farther than what I was taught to believe was the “right” way to live life at this age. I “should” have a house. I “should” have a career. I “should” be planning for my retirement. As I sit from where I am, that just feels like the ashes surrounding the hot coals. The death that smothers the fire of passion, desire, and life itself.

Many would call this a mid-life crisis. I would prefer to call it a mid-life awakening. An opportunity to take back what was given to me by the Divine Itself. The power and choice to live a life of freedom, self-reliance, and joy. Not some fabricated, name-brand, “this is what makes everyone else happy” type of bullshit. But authentic, down to nature, human to human, self to self type of contact. Life is not an Easy Bake Oven for Christ’s sakes. But it’s not torture either. It’s a daily round of the ebb and flow of hard work and rest. Of desire and surrender. Of challenge and ease. Of getting to the guts of what really matters while eating a plate of home grown vegetables. Anything else is just corporate politics trying to sell you a life they convinced you was better than the one that God gave you.

I don’t have any clue what will happen this coming year. Hell, I don’t have a clue what will happen next month for that matter. Before my deconditioning, I could more or less guess what my life would be like one year to the next. Work would be the same. Daily routines would be the same. Even the unknown parts would be planned and then made known. My sustenance would be easy and never be in question. I would spend my “free” time trying to forget that I wasn’t free at all.

But now each day is an unknown adventure. I am helping to grow our own food by creating a rich soil foundation and utilizing limited space to produce an abundance of nutrition. I am learning Spanish by fumbling my way through understanding and speaking. I am beginning to make connections with others who live in a nearby community to help strengthen a bond of genuine respect and collaboration. I am continuing to delve deeper into my own being, both emotional and spiritual, through my daily relations with my SoulFullHeart family. As I type this, I realize how rich my life really is in comparison to what it was.

Interesting. So the less I know, the richer life becomes. The more I know, the duller. There is a wisdom here in Mexico that eludes the rest of industrial society. Life doesn’t happen later, it exists now. In the moment. Anything that happens has a solution, one way or another, at some point. It will get taken care of and life will continue while you enjoy your cerveza. People will take care of one another, even if they don’t know you. There is always something to share with each other, even if it is a smile and an “Hola”. I am honored and proud to be in Mexico in my next life journey. I don’t know what happens this coming year and I am okay with that. I am here now. I am enjoying this paradise I co-alchemized. I look forward to sharing it with others, to help them feel what it is that they truly want in their lives. For a moment to let go of all they have been trying to be and allow themselves to be just as they are . . . a fire among the ashes.

Christopher Tydeman is a SoulFullHeart facilitator. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Living “As If” Collapse Is Coming

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

mexico

By Jillian Vriend

Today, finally, I feel somewhat settled. After more than a month of travelling and short stays in various places, we are landed in a place that feels temporary yet stable. We repeat to each other, “We are renting an apartment in Mexico,” just to let in the reality a bit deeper. It feels like we are parked at the mouth of the river, waiting to (literally) begin the journey down it to hopefully claim our piece of sanctuary at an ecovillage located on 700 acres about one hour from here. There are still some unknowns about how it will all unfold, but inside of me it feels like we have found home. We have been claimed by life and by others here in a way that feels warm and welcoming.

Kathleen writes vulnerably about our experiences during the last five weeks in her two exodus journal entries here and here. Ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Moments of joy and goodness. Moments of pain and constriction. The joy moments seeming to be impossible to occur without the constrictions and vice versa. For me, always there has been a deeper trust that everything would be all right and that we had been guided by the Divine to journey this far. Even when those around us were doubtful, critical, and, in one case, even cruel about expressing their skepticism about the way we were responding to our decision to come here….I still felt a sense that our trust and surrender to follow guidance would draw everything we desired.

We didn’t take years to plan the move here. Christopher and Wayne especially had been feeling the rumblings of industrial collapse coming for many years, yet our trajectories in the last several years have been around focusing on our emotional and spiritual health and deconstructing our false selves. When we gave up our residence (and the $1600 a month rent associated with it) and moved into an RV in January of this year, we felt we were on the right track. It was surrendering to Mother’s flow, but it wasn’t known what would unfold for us after that decision. The campground felt temporary with an energy of inflow and outflow of visitors with even the permanent residents feeling like they could move on at any moment. We liked this energy for awhile; it was freeing after committing to year long rental leases and feeling the noose of mortgages around so many people’s necks.

In June, I felt clear guidance that it was time to feel into leaving the campground and Canada altogether. I just didn’t feel like I wanted to go through another Canadian winter and I asked Wayne and Christopher, “Where would you go if you could go anywhere?” A rhetorical question, for sure, yet also, for the first time we really could go anywhere. Our daughter was an adult and completely independent. The painting contracting business Wayne had run for 30 years felt that it was at a completion. We hadn’t drawn new people to SoulFullHeart on the Sunshine Coast despite our efforts to hold talks and connect with local people. We could go anywhere that our desires would lead us.

Their answer was clear and quick, “Somewhere warm. Somewhere in the southern hemisphere. Somewhere we can get to by car.” These answers were fueled by desire for warm weather, yet, also, our sense of impending collapse was growing. I felt very clear guidance that in the next year major events would most likely take place that could make it impossible to leave Canada. Canada itself didn’t feel sustainable with its short growing seasons and deep reliance on fossil fuels and false self-based infrastructure. We wanted to live in a place where the local people lived more simply, more sustainably, and where there was a long growing season. We felt into various places in Central America and finally decided on Mexico, mostly because three of us had been here before and were somewhat familiar with it.

Mexico. I am falling in love with Mexico. It is a dance, just like in romance. It feels so foreign in moments- the concrete homes, the Spanish language, the accordion-heavy music, the dogs that wander free, the lack of self image.Yet it feels like home too. I love the way that life comes first here and work comes second. Every business seems to be run out of someone’s home so that the gap between the two is even less. They inhabit every square inch of their homes here, no matter how humble the dwelling is. Home is where the heart is here, yes. There are moments of culture shock, where I feel a rub inside of me after searching for anything comfortable or familiar and finding nothing. Dimly lit and un-air conditioned grocery stores. High heat plus humidity that seems almost hostile in its relentlessness. There is the challenge of being vegan, saying ‘no queso or carne’ over and over and getting confused looks back from waiters. Just like romance, the back and forths provide depth to the lust, to the desire that brings us here.

One desire, our desire for land, is strong. To grow seeds. To harvest and to eat of our own labors. This is the one thing that feels sane in a world that has become insane from fossil fuel addiction. Even here, in a state where so much produce is grown, many locals go to the grocery store still. Then comes the truck driven by local farmers full of watermelons or papayas or lemons…announcing over a loud speaker their price….and affordable freshness is in your hand and soon in your belly. Still, now, we are buying our food but soon, we hope, in the next six months or so, we will be eating mostly only what we grow. Is this a naive vision? Have we not planned well enough? Are we fools?

What feels naive and foolish to us is those who do nothing to become more sustainable, those who continue to live fossil fuel dependent lives without awareness, those who dream but do not follow their dreams because they need to earn money to keep their disatisfying lifestyles afloat, those who stay so busy that they cannot let in joy and breathing. Those who will most tragically and certainly die in the coming collapse if they do not change their lifestyles very soon.

And, even if we are wrong about the timing of collapse, why not live ‘as if’ it is a real possibility? Why not make changes to live more sustainably, including growing your own food, living off the grids of city electricity and water, living in community providing support and connection, letting go of false self attachments, healing your heart and soul? Why not truly experience your life in every moment rather than medicating with false food in so many forms?

We have jumped off a cliff into the unknown…and found that there is a river at the bottom that catches and submerges us. A river that is made of love and trust and surrender and courage. A river that has an unimaginable depth and a steady current…taking us onward and around the next bend and the next toward a destination where anything is possible.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book about connecting with the Divine Mother and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher.

Are You A Spiritual Student Or A Seeker?

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

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The problem with modern spirituality is there are too few people open to truly being students and too few teachers self qualified to authentically serve them.

I spent many years as a student, dedicated and fully committed to one teacher and teaching. I didn’t realize at the time how unusual this was. They were aspects of my teacher and that relationship that ended up being off and based in shadow, just like any committed relationship has healthy and unhealthy aspects. But if I hadn’t committed myself to that teacher, I simply would not be who I am now, in the nourishing relationship that I am, and serving others through SoulFullHeart.

I’ve been offering my way of life and myself as a teacher and healer for the last few years and I’ve met many people who claimed to be ‘seekers’ along the way, initially drawn to what I was offering. Whenever someone would claim to be a ‘seeker’, I wanted to ask them, “You are a seeker? So, when will you let yourself be found?” It seemed that these seekers were deeply afraid of committing to just one thing, just one teacher and teaching. They wanted to float around and sample off the buffet bar of spiritual offerings. They wanted to read books (especially ‘best selling’ ones) or attend yearly seminars and retreats. And they expected that this minimal activity would actually bring them the rewards of bliss, joy, serenity and deep love that they felt entitled to receive. Instead of trusting their intuition that brought me to them as a teacher, they wanted someone else to legitimatize a teacher for them (a publishing company, Oprah Winfrey, Louise Hay, etc.) Popularity does not qualify a teacher and might actually disqualify a teacher, but that’s for another blog entry.

Many modern seekers seem to have a short attention span and are looking for the next shiny object to latch onto. They are a product of a modern world where facebook “likes” mean more than meaningful relationships; where spiritual experiences are expected not revered; and where negative emotions have been villianized and positive emotions over idealized. They don’t want to actually work at transformation or to feel anything negative as a crucial aspect of their growth process, so part of them projects them into an idealized place where they can claim to feel bliss and love for everyone all of the time without actually doing the work that would awaken them to a state where this might be possible.

My truth is that this is not what we are meant to experience as sacred human children of the Divine. The Divine wants to experience Itself through us, both in male and female form, and why would it only want to experience the light and loving expressions of Itself? Pretty boring, wouldn’t you say? It is both the light and dark, the shadow and the love that interest the Divine. The textures, the depths, the struggles and the triumphs, the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs. A student of the Divine is a student of life in all its areas of expression and all its highs and lows. And as you become a true student of the Divine and of an authentic teacher of the Divine, then you arise into your sacred human nature which is an arising and unknown wonder that can respond to the ups and downs with an open heart. You experience deep connection with the Divine that is both challenging and comforting; catalytic and solid; full of contrasts and paradoxes and fundamentally conditional on you continuing to heal yourself.

I am a teacher because I have been a student and I continue to be a student of the Divine and will for the rest of my lifetimes. I am a teacher who deeply wants to draw true students, students who will wrap around what I have to teach and still retain their centers. Students who will surrender to learning and not knowing and, at the same time, hold that they are also meant to be teachers someday. Students who will accept the challenge, do the work, and commit to me, the Divine, and themselves. Students who will own if they feel resistance to being students and why.

Here are some more distinctions about a student versus a seeker for you to feel into:

A seeker thinks that a paradigm shift is all that is needed; a student recognizes that it is just the beginning.

A seeker is afraid of commitment; a student lets themselves be claimed.

A student wraps around a teacher while remaining in their own center; a seeker gives complete devotion to a teacher while remaining without a center.

A student allows ALL areas of their life to offer sacred experience; a seeker makes certain areas of their life more sacred than others.

A student wants to filter experience through what they don’t know; A seeker wants to filter experience through what they know.

A student admits they do not know and do know at the same time; a seeker attaches to what they know and what they think others know.

A student draws a teacher who reflects to them their own bigness, not just the teacher’s bigness.

A student accepts the light and the dark; a seeker seeks for the light while suppressing the dark.

A student feels the inner teacher inside of themselves; the seeker denies the inner teacher inside of themselves.

A student accepts that whatever they experience in the moment is the reward; the seeker justifies what they experience in the moment to receive a reward in the future.

A student is destined to become a teacher; a seeker is destined to become unfulfilled.

A student gets that being a student is the hardest but most natural thing. A seeker believes that being a seeker is easy and is supposed to be.

A student is open to their feelings as being an aspect of Divine expression; a seeker is open only to feelings that they feel as ‘positive’ or ‘serene’ as Divine expression.

A student is asking ‘who am I?’ and answering ‘I am that’ at the same time.

A student humbly understands that they are entitled to nothing but are worth having what most deeply serves them; A seeker feels entitled to manifest everything that they want yet don’t really believe they deserve it.

A student surrenders; a seeker submits.

A student is both investing and divesting; a seeker is investing looking for a return.

A student is patient, understanding it takes many lifetimes to arise and unfold and all experiences bring growth. A seeker is eager and impatient, feeling that everything they want should be given to them now and that only positive experiences are valuable.

When will you stop seeking and let yourself be found?

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Who is appearing as a teacher in your life that you are resisting leaning into? If you are reading these words right now, perhaps it’s SoulFullHeart.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Entering Your Inner Garden Of Eden

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

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Imagine…

You’ve signed up for a space exploration program. You are going to visit a recently discovered planet. You’ve been told that it is very similar to life on Earth- same atmosphere, same carbon-based life forms with humans as the most conscious on the planet. However, unlike the current difficult conditions on Earth, on this new planet all species live in harmony with each other, collaborating and cooperating in a balanced way that preserves the environment, provides for every creature’s basic needs, and allows all inhabitants to survive and thrive. Let’s call this world “utopia” as that term already has an association for most of us as an ideal and perfect place.

The Utopians look like humans, but the similarities end there. When you meet your first one, a woman, shortly after landing on their planet, you are struck by how clear her skin is and how radiant her energy. It’s like she is glowing from the inside out. Her body is healthy and vital. Her movements are fluid and relaxed; she feels grounded and centered in her female body.

Beyond the physical differences, you immediately notice that her language is different when she greets you and welcomes you to her world. This Utopian woman, let’s call her Eve, asks you if parts of you feel ok if she gives you a hug to welcome you to her world. You aren’t sure what she means but, suddenly, you’d like very much to receive a hug from this vital and warm woman. She embraces you and you feel a warm and loving energy spread from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes.

“Your energy is a bit lacking and heavy,” She says, looking you deep in the eyes and smiling. “I can feel how it’s been hard for parts of you to leave the home that they know. But, please know that we will provide the space for them to be felt by us in these reactions. They, and you, are welcome here.”

You don’t know what she means by “parts of you” but, again, you are reassured by her mere presence and the gentle yet firm way she holds your hand. You begin to suspect that the warmth coming from her hand is helping you feel more relaxed and energized at the same time, yet you aren’t sure how that could be.

A Utopian man comes up; we’ll call him Adam (of course!), and puts his arm around the woman. “I see Eve has you in good hands,” he says, laughing at his own joke, flashing beautiful white teeth and a spontaneous smile that has you laughing and smiling along with him. Still grinning, he looks you deeply in the eyes and repeats Eve’s welcome. “It might take parts of you awhile to acclimate to being here,” he says, suddenly more serious.

He studies you some more and tears spring into his eyes. “I feel the pain that is in in your heart; I feel how parts of you are afraid. What I want to remind you is that this is how things were meant to be for you. How it is here. Not like where you come from. This is how things were meant to feel.”

Tears start streaming down your face, seemingly against your self control. You don’t understand why his words hurt and feel comforting at the same time. Your mind can’t comprehend really anything that he is saying or what it means, but it feels good to feel his eyes on you and to see the tears of understanding in his eyes.

“I’m feeling you,” he explains, taking your other hand in his. “This is what it feels like to be felt by someone who can feel you. Your parts are drinking it in. The tears are a sign of their defenses melting. You and they need much, much more of this. It was what you were meant to have.”

You nod, again, not sure what it is that you are agreeing to. Yet, you are here with Adam and Eve, bright sun shining on your skin, birds chirping in the background, waves crashing against the shore as you stand on a pristine, white sand beach, feeling the warmth of their hands on yours, feeling their tears as they focus only on you, feeling the love so easily coming from them to you. This does feel like how it was meant to be. This does feel like home.

Adam and Eve walk you to an airy and spacious one room hut made of bamboo and dried palms. There’s an open living space with a kitchen, living room, and sleeping area. It’s cozy, warm, and right on the beach so you can still hear the waves outside. It is decorated in natural fabrics, shells from the ocean, with healthy and vibrant plants tucked in every corner and big cushy pillows on the floor in the living area.

They tell you that they’ll be back in a couple of hours, so you may take this time to relax, rest, and adjust to your new environment. They point out that there is a journal and a pen on the nightstand by the bed if you want to check in with any of your parts about the journey and how they are feeling.

“What do you mean by ‘checking in’?” You ask them as you sit down on one of the cushions on the floor, feeling that same sense of confusion yet familiarity.

Adam and Eve smile and look at each other with empathetic grins, then back at you. “We’ll explain it all to you after you’ve rested more. But, we won’t need to explain much because this will all be natural for you. After all, it’s what you were…”

“Meant to do,” you finish their sentence.

“Yes! You are getting it!” exclaims Adam, flashing his wide grin again. Eve nods happily and exits, leaving Adam standing in the doorway. He gazes at you intensely again, seeming to look straight into the heart of you, peeking at your insides in a focused yet loving way.

“So, why don’t parts of you believe in God?” he asks, his tone innocent and curious, no judgement in his tone that you can feel.

You sigh, memories of Sunday mornings spent in church or synagogue or at temple running through your mind. You remember boredom, disconnect, and an underlying feeling of wrongness about yourself related to God. Or, you have no connection to God at all. It’s a blank canvas, nothing written or imprinted.

“Part of me hates the God of religion,” you answer, using their language despite yourself. Well, using “part of me” seems appropriate in this case because of course not ALL of you feel this way.

Adam nods, as if he deeply understands. “Yes, part of me hates the god of your religions too. Not a God that I would want to get to know.” He moves across the room and sits by you on the cushions laid out on the floor. “We don’t have religions here. We have only experience of That Which Made Us. Our Creator. It is our Mother and our Father. Both.”

“Our religions only have a male God. Our Father. And male prophets too.” Bitterness has crept into your tone. You don’t know where it’s coming from.

Adam looks confused, but you can tell that he is trying to understand and feel where your pain comes from. “But, that would exclude half of your people from having a Creator that matches their own face and bodies! That would make women feel as if they were less than men! As if only men were worthy to be represented by Creator! That would make men feel as if they were better somehow than women. Or that they would have a right to control or dominate the women! And, putting a male face on Creator would make It seem like a human rather than That Which Made Us All!”

You nod sadly, feeling sorry that his grasping of your reality is tainting his own sense of joy and goodness. You begin to worry that you will cause him pain somehow by bringing your life into his.

He picks up what you are feeling and takes your hand. “It’s ok. For the part of you that wants to take care of me, I want to tell it that I am fine. My trust and connection with my Creator runs very deep. Yes, I am shocked and feel very passionate about the picture of your religions being off and hurting many people in its distortions. But, I am here to offer you and any others who would like to receive it, a new experience of their Creator which is not like this one at all. Would you like this?”

You swallow a lump in your throat. It has been a long time since you have felt any longing for God. Or, maybe you have been a spiritual seeker for a long time but have abandoned the idea of a creator and embraced the non-dual or sagely teachings this life. Or, you are connecting to God despite the picture of religion and understand exactly what he is offering. Although you probably wouldn’t be reading this if you did.

“Yes, I would like this,” you say, tears beginning to fall again. “Part of me is afraid of it. Part of me feels very angry at the religion’s God, as I said before. And part of me…maybe this is me, feels very much like the Creator you describe is what I was meant to experience.”

“Yes, it is,” Adam says, wiping away your tears with his hands. “This, as all things, will be negotiated with your parts at a rate and pace that you and they can bear. This is the mercifulness of my Creator and especially the Mother’s face of the Creator. She holds us as we feel our pain and makes it possible for us to bear it. She wipes our tears and She will help you get to know the most sacred and precious aspect of you called your Daemon or Soul Guardian. This part of you will become your collaborator, your muse, your pipeline to Divine guidance, and help you open up access to your soul gifts. As you feel this Daemon part of you, you help it heal from past life pains and traumas. It needs your human heart and compassion in order to heal.”

You nod, as if you have any idea what he is talking about. But, again, it just all sounds right even if the words are foreign. Mother’s Face of the Creator. Daemon. Past lives.

“Is there a young part inside of me too?” You ask, already knowing that there is. You have heard of the idea of having an “inner child” and this is something that you’ve felt inside of yourself in response to doing fun things or eating particular foods from your childhood. Or you’ve felt this part in response to your own children.

“Of course, yes,” says Adam, gazing at you again. “This part of you is very sweet. Very innocent in its’ nature. Yet, also, it is in much pain and very shy. This part of you suffered much in your childhood and your caretakers, even if they love you very much, weren’t able to feel you while you were experiencing those pains. So those pains get stuck at certain ages and places. This young part of you may actually be several parts stuck in different times because the pain was not able to be digested by you and so it remains subconsciously stuck there.”

“Do you have parts? Or were you felt by your caregiver while you were feeling things?”

Adam looks down for a minute, as if contemplating how to answer. Then, he looks up, more serious again. “Eve and I are the first of our kind. We are the only humans on Utopia. This is why we’ve invited people from your world to join us, even though we can feel how different we are from you right now. Our Creator has guided us to bring others this picture of life that we were just born into. Our Creator offers that some people will respond to it and come along although it will be much harder for you because you will need to heal from the pains that you brought with you rather than just your reactions in the moment, as Eve and I do.”

You realize now that there were no other Utopians to greet your ship as it landed. Only Eve and then Adam came along soon after. You realize that you have not seen any other Utopians since you have arrived there. You realize that actually there were no other people from Earth who came along with you on your journey. You were the only one who answered the call for adventure, journey into the unknown, and took the risks that that choice required of you. You feel a rush of loneliness and homesickness, suddenly thinking of your family. Or maybe your children. Or your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend.

“You and Eve must feel so lonely!” You exclaim, again feeling an impulse to take care of this wonderful and strange man that you’ve just met.

Adam gazes at you. “Yes and no,” he says. “Our love and connection with each other is very deep and rich. We are individuals as our Creator intended us to be. Yet, our intimacy ground, our “usness” as we like to call it, is a third entity that we both serve love to and respond to on a moment by moment basis. I do not own Eve nor does she own me. We have a commitment to serve love in the moment, that is all. We do not understand what you call “marriage contracts.” You cannot guarantee something such as love. It arises or it does not. You cannot control it. You can open your heart to let in more or you can feel where you do not feel connected in love anymore.”

You are amazed by his description of love and intimacy as it is so different than the mainstream picture of marriage, divorce, and expectation of lifelong commitment and staying together no matter how unhappy you are. Yet still, he admitted to being lonely even with his connection with Eve?

“Yes, Eve and I felt a growing desire to share our love and goodness with others. To invite, as I said, others into our garden of love and invite them to eat the fruit of the Creator’s love with us.”

You are suddenly reminded of the Garden of Eden and the serpent and the apple and original sin. You are reminded of the fall of humanity from the grace of God. You are reminded of Original Sin and the twisted way that religion has presented the very thing that you are now being invited to become part of.

“That story has indeed been twisted,” says Adam, seeming to read your mind. “The garden of Eden is not a place, although where you are now comes close. The Garden of Eden lives inside of your heart. It lives as a seed, planted inside of you by your Creator. Planted inside every person as a reflection of the sacred human essence for which we are all made is the template of your own expression of an Adam or an Eve. Your seeds just need water to grow and bloom into the sacred human you were meant to be. But the false self part of you which is created in order to fit into the barren world for which you are born keeps you small and denied of this food. Your false selves use stories such as the distorted one that we just mentioned to keep you from letting in the love water and food that is actually always available to you.”

The Garden of Eden lives inside your heart, you think about this. You like the idea of it and you like the idea of having a seed of sacred human essence that is just waiting to bloom. The idea of a false self, for now, is one that is hard to digest.

“How do I get the water for my seed to bloom?” You are already wondering how bloomed your seed is compared to Adam’s. To your husband or wife’s. To your other family members or friends.

Adam gets up, beginning to head for the door. “It’s not something that you can get,” he says. “It’s only something that you can let in.”

He turns to you one last time and you miss his warmth and comfort already. “And, to be able to do that, you need to feel the parts of you who are afraid to let it in and why they are afraid,” he says. “This is a process of healing that will take some amount of time, energy, and passion for you to be part of. In the meantime, you will have to give up some things that you are currently very attached to because it is most likely your false self which is attached to them. Any relationship, things, or belief systems that are used to keep you from feeling what your parts and you are authentically feeling will need to be felt into being let go off. There will be many of them and it will be very, very hard. You would only choose to do this if your desire to bloom into your sacred human essence is strong. You would only choose this if you feel a deep loneliness and also a desire to be in deep connection with a heart mate like I described. You would only choose this if you want to deeply know and love your Creator in way that goes much beyond what your religions have offered. You would only choose this if it feels like the only and best way that is being offered to you at this time and if, it feels as if you were meant…”

“To choose it,” you say, finishing his sentence.

He nods softly, saying, “Take your time to feel into this choice, especially now that you and parts of you know what is at stake. Now that you know that basically everything that you have known from your world will be questioned and felt into and potentially need to be let go of, even if for only a phase of time, if that’s what feels right. Now that you have met and experienced Eve and I, take your time to feel into if you want to stay with us and continue your journey.”

He puts his palms together and bows in your direction. You return the gesture, your head spinning and heart churning with all that you’ve experienced and taken in already.

He continues, “If you decide not to, we will send you back to your home with some sadness but also complete acceptance of your decision. If you decide to stay, I promise you that you and your life will not remain unchanged. I promise you that you will experience love in ways and in depths that you cannot even dream or imagine possible at this moment. And I promise you that Eve and I will be there to support and guide you all along your journey and so will your Creator so, in that, you will never really be alone again.”

He leaves you alone with your choices and your possibilities. He leaves you to take your time to “feel into” if you will say yes or no. You curl up on the pillows, wrapping a blanket around your body even though the tropical breezes keep you perfectly cool. You close your eyes, imagining how it would be to leave everything that you’ve come to know as your world and potentially the people in it in order to embark on a new adventure into the garden of your inner Eden. You imagine how it would be to get to know these parts of yourself that Adam has described: your inner child, innocent and shy; your Daemon, tortured yet beloved soul guardian; your false self, self-protective and wanting to keep you safe.

You begin to hope that your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend would want to join you too and that maybe you could have the kind of relationship that Adam and Eve do. You begin to hope that you could feel the Creator the way that Adam described and perhaps feel the part of you that hates God. You begin to wonder how and if you could ever give up that hope and risk to let anything and anyone go who doesn’t serve your most authentic self.

Or maybe you feel only like resting and sleeping for a while. Letting the love and possibilities seep into your starved heart and soul. Doing their magic while you sleep in the arms of unseen angels. You fall asleep resting into the sense, at least in the moment, that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

And, you are.

Spiritual Tsunami: Recovering The Lost Members Of Your Inner Family

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Tsunami2

Last night, I watched the movie The Impossible.  It is a film based on true events of a family who lived through the horror of the 2009 tsunami in Thailand.  In it, a family is literally torn apart from each other and was able, beyond all odds, to reunite themselves with each other in the end.

As I watched, I could feel my Daemon, Raybone, analogizing it to a spiritual tsunami that is crashing on the shores of humanity.   Our human family has been torn apart by lifetimes of destructive forces that have left us feeling alone and afraid.  We have been separated from each other and are longing to connect again to the soul of our connectedness.  War, famine, politics, money, poverty, environmental concerns, just to name a few, are drowning out our connection to each other and to the Divine.

The irony is that the solution to these issues could very well be the thing that brings us back together.  But the question is how do we ‘solve’ these overwhelming forces of our current situation?  Raybone would offer that the solution is within ourselves.  What is the underlying cause of our predicament?  Leaders of the world are looking at the external rather than the internal.  The mundane rather than the profound.   The material rather than the sacred.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  We must get back to our roots as children of the Divine source of all of life.  Some of us have just given in to powerlessness.  We have no control so we will just sit here and die.  Others are looking for triage and seeking the help they need to survive.  And there are those who are taking it upon themselves to recover the lost souls of their ‘family’.

These people have many names.  They are a part of many groups.  SoulFullHeart is one of them.  It is my doctor, my healer, my calling.  I am not going to claim that it is the only doctor in the house.  However, it is mine.  Through actively engaging in healing your parts and your wounding, you are essentially recovering the lost members of your ‘family’.  You are reconnecting to your authentic self and to the Divine.

We are searching for you.  Aching for you.  Calling for you to find your soulful heart.  It is who you are and were always meant to be.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over the phone.

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Life As A Divine Playground

Opening Our Blind Eyes

Getting Our Emotional Needs Met Through Parts Work

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

Inner-Child

From the moment we are born, we are being taught how to survive and get our basic needs meet. Our caregivers provide us (most of us in the western world anyway) with food, shelter, and the essentials to help us grow and thrive. They also offer us templates for how to deal with our emotional needs which, in most families, is about not having them at all. We are non-mental, purely emotional and energetic beings as babies, so our reactions to our environment are unfiltered and undefended. We scream when we are upset. We cry when we want something. We fuss when our emotional needs are not being met. We coo and smile when we are in joy. We quickly learn which of these reactions are met with approval and love by our caregivers and which are not. When we scream and cry, we might receive comforting but usually we receive more food and a diaper changing. When we are happy, we receive more attention and love to fortify this expression.

In my experience working with parts or subpersonalities of people and in myself for ten years, it is during even this early time that parts of us and our false self begin to form and the pure, undefended reactions of our authentic self start to be covered over. Parts of us form when we experience pain or trauma from this life or past lives that is undigested and becomes stuck in our subconscious at the time it happened. If our emotional needs could be met in those moments and our pain felt by a loving, heart open other person, the part becomes unstuck and the pain digested through.

This is the digestion process that the SoulFullHeart Way of Life offers us. Through identifying, getting to know through journaling, and having parts felt by a SFH facilitator during sessions, the parts in us that have subconsciously formed begin to heal and eventually integrate into the growing authentic self called the SFH self. The SFH self is who we were meant to be if we’d experienced that our emotional needs were met in every moment and our pain and traumas were able to be digested. The SFH self is the seed of our sacred humanity as a child of Divine parents and is able to hold the parts in a loving, supportive way that provides what we need to heal. The SFH self meets the needs of the parts in a healthy emotional way by feeling them rather than providing them with medications in the form of codependent relationships, substance abuse, and other means that the false self part of us uses to distract and numb our feelings.

Since we are not taught how to meet our own emotional needs nor did we receive a healthy emotionally healthy template from our families (to the degree that they didn’t receive one!), we have to learn this for ourselves though a reconditioning process where the emotional needs of all parts of us is primary to us. The process of healing with parts is ultimately a temporary one, necessary only because in this phase of human consciousness we have placed a priority on mental attainment, physical achievement, family security, codependent relationships, self image creation, superficial entertainment, and material possession. Until we embrace as a culture that our emotional health and healing is the primary way that we filter reality, we need processes such as SoulFullHeart to bring us back into our natural and healthy balance.

I feel the Divine Mother offering that this is an important step to healing ourselves, our planet, and our relationships with each other. There are other steps and paths, yet allowing for the reality of parts seems to bring a catalytic and lasting transformation to our species-long quest for answers, meaning, deeper purpose, and, most importantly, to finally getting our emotional needs met.

 Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.

Love In A Time Of Change

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder

By Jillian Vriend

The seagulls ride air currents, swirling and curling like waves above the sparkling water. Their piercing cries invite me to pay attention, to watch them, to take in their messages offering bridging between water and land. Waves roll in and out, landing mostly softly on the shore, tumbling granite into small speckled stones. The beach stretches out in both directions, empty and still on this rare sunny morning in May. My dog Koda is leaning against me, his heart chakra pressed against my left hand- both giving and receiving love. I sit on secret beach in Gibsons, BC, feeling that I am here. I am where I am meant to be.  I am home.

I am praying in a light way, my thoughts and dialogue with Mother drifting in and out without a clear direction. I express my gratitude to Her for the guidance I received from Her almost a year ago, “Go be near water. To offer this work, you need to be held by water.” I first heard this message while I was sitting on a beach on Gabriola Island, an island a 20 minute ferry ride from Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. My husband Wayne and I spent half of our time on Gabriola Island last year, living in a cottage near the water. SoulFullHeart was born during these visits and we drew the first people to this way of life once we could breathe and be near the water and away from the busy grids of the city.

We stopped renting the cottage in September as we felt Gabriola was too remote and small for us and I received further guidance to explore the Sunshine Coast and specifically the town of Gibsons. The Sunshine Coast is not an island, yet it feels like one because even though it is the same land mass as Vancouver, it is not accessible by car, only by ferry. A 40 minute ferry ride from West Vancouver, Gibsons is a small town with an artistic and environmentally conscious community. The moment we came here it felt like our geographic ‘home.’ We began to bake on our desires to move here back then, feeling that we wanted to stay in North Vancouver until our daughter graduated from high school. Our fellow SoulFullHeart Way of Life members and friends, Christian and Kathleen, actually moved to Gibsons first in March together, allowing us to visit here frequently and fall even more in love with the setting and the breathing space it offered. In a matter of hours after putting our desires out there, Wayne and I drew a new home that has organic garden beds, guest rooms, a large room to host SoulFullHeart groups, is walkable to beaches, and has a view of the ocean.

Our focus over this last year while still living in North Vancouver had been to develop and deepen SoulFullHeart as a way of life and soon a non-profit society. We offered SoulFullHeart through free introduction meetings in North Vancouver and in Squamish. We also appeared on the Conscious Living Radio show twice at the beginning of the year to talk about SoulFullHeart and introduce it to the conscious community there. We are open to drawing those in the Vancouver area, yet, we feel that we would invite them to come to a monthly group here in Gibsons, as we feel the air, sunshine, and water are deeply healing and support their process.

The last month has been full with actualizing our desires and dreams to live on the Sunshine Coast into reality. Many times I could feel parts of me reacting to a change or transition or difficult decision to be made, especially around establishing my daughter on her own in North Vancouver. I could feel a young matriarch part of me having a difficult time letting go of our space, especially her domain in the kitchen, and tensions and anxieties coming from difficult experiences living with others in the past. I experienced a significant cold for the first time in three years and spent a week being with myself, resting, and letting in the changes to come.

Yet, I repeatedly received during this time this message from the Mother, “Want what you want. And let go of how it will come to be.” I feel this is an important message about how to hold our deepest soul and heart desires. She invited me to feel them deeply, no matter how difficult or impossible they seemed, and, at the same time, let go of how they would specifically manifest. Letting go in this way opened me up more to others’ alchemy, Wayne’s leadership, and resource exchanges with others, inviting us into a new economy not based just on money but exchange of value. We are currently staying at a beautiful property in Gibsons for a couple of weeks until our new home is available in exchange for doing painting and other jobs around the property. People here seem more open to exchange and trades in this way wanting to ‘leave the government out of it.’ We are all excited to feel and see how SoulFullHeart may plant and grow in this kind of alternative and conscious soil.

My experience of this process of moving to a new geography over the last year validates my experience that change is a natural process that invites us into our own growth and deepening connection with ourselves, others, and the Divine. If we can hold and feel our relationship to change and be with parts of ourselves which are anxious, concerned, and afraid of it, we can draw to and manifest our deepest desires and dreams. But only if we are open to giving up our attachment to the things, people, careers, medications, etc. which don’t support our most authentic self, numb our feelings, and block the realization of these dreams. We’ve had to say ‘no’ many times over the last year to things which wouldn’t fulfill our desires, but what we were always saying ‘yes’ to was the realization of our dreams and a deeper experience of love.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  

Entering and Leaving: In The Birth Canal

Published on by Raphael Awen2 Comments
Photo By Wayne Vriend
Photo By Wayne Vriend

By Wayne Vriend

Mike, whose energy reminded me of a slick Amway promoter, was the recently hired Western Canada Regional Manager for a company boasting to be the largest of its kind in Canada. While driving home, I reluctantly picked up his call after having just pulled up stakes mid way through on a paint job for this company. This is something that I had never even thought of doing in my previous 23 years long subcontracting relationship with the company.

Earlier in the day, I had decided and informed the company that I would not complete a big deadline job unless some reasonable payment was made. I also made this decision after hearing that many other subcontractors and even material suppliers were getting paid very late. Due to this, the job was poorly coordinated, running behind, and contained an energy of chaos, anxiety, and disconnect.

“Hi Wayne, it’s Mike. I also have Darren on the line,” he said, in a voice too loud, too smooth, and too enthusiastic for the situation.  “I said to Darren, let’s get Wayne on the line and see if we can clear this up. I think your invoices just have some dates confused in our system and that should take care of things.”

I sighed inwardly at his assumption. “No, Mike, I checked all of our invoices over carefully with your accounting department months ago. They are correct in your system and they do, in fact, go back over 4 months”

Then, he changed his tack. Softening his voice a little, he said, “Wayne, I’m going to see if I can get you all of this money from our treasury department right away. It may take me a few days though. Would you be willing in the meantime, in good faith in our company, to continue so we can get these people moved back into their home?”

It wasn’t so easy to find my words inside of this barrage of tones and words: a promise to go and get my money from the difficult and elusive treasury department; an appeal to my sense of good faith; and care for others: getting the homeowners moved back into their home.

I managed to find my response after fumbling at first around with my words. “No, MIke, I’m not comfortable with that and it just doesn’t feel self loving to do that. It’s been several broken promises.”

The job was going sideways fast anyway. Material suppliers, subcontractors and employees alike waiting on the sidelines for a corporate nation-wide general contracting company and it’s opaque layers of management and hedge fund ownership to find some heart and soul, and actually lead, or actually care.

When the Titanic hit the iceberg a 101 years ago, there were two precious hours of choice and action time before it finally sunk to the bottom of the ocean. The gravitational pull of denial, and buying into the status quo answer of ‘this ship is unsinkable’, were in fact what caused a much greater loss of life. Those who came to their senses early in the first hour made all the difference, for themselves and for others.

We are in such a time. It is evident wherever you look. My story from this week is not unique.

Our grand capitalist systems; our social systems; our religious and spiritual systems: these that are so dear to our false selves and have enjoyed such huge buy ins from so many, for so long; all these have struck an iceberg. These systems, that once felt so much like home, that animated us, are now in slow motion collapse. Make no mistake, as Captain Smith said so plainly in the movie in response to Rose’s inquiry about their fate; ‘The ship will sink.’

It gets real clear, on a sinking ship, once you’ve accepted what moments ago felt unbelievable even to you, that your first responsibility is to save lives, including your own. What are you choosing today? What are you trusting in today? How do you propose to care for anyone else while denying your first responsibility; to truly care for yourself?

The iceberg is not the problem. The poor design is not the problem. It is all a huge and unexpected gift to us, if we can only surrender to the point of the collapse: being prepared by the circumstance itself to enter our next phase of life.

Our most authentic self is mid stream in the birth canal, between the collapsing story and the rise of a new story, waiting to be born. In order for that to happen, we are being invited to leave the false self systems that we once held so dear and enter into an arising birthing process.  We can’t know what our new self will look like, we can only trust that what we were previously invested in is now complete in it’s purpose to bring us to a deeper choice point and truer reflection of who we were meant to be.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

Convicted: Heart, Body, And Soul

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Heart, Body, Soul

By Cristian Tydeman

I spent some time looking up the word “convicted”.  Obviously, the first thing that comes up is “being found guilty”.  In biblical terms (and may I preface that I am not nor have ever have been a Christian this life), it seems “convicted” is to realize through the Word of God that the life we had been living was “wrong”.  In either case, both definitions connote judgment.  In my new awareness, conviction is a state of loving embrace.  That is how it feels to me.  I could have easily chosen another word, but somehow this one really resonates with the heart of what I am.

I have recently returned from another Soulfullheart experience in Vancouver.  This time for two weeks.  While the group only met for two days, my process was running on 8 cylinders the whole time.  The compartments that I used to walk in and out of were melting away.  For the first time since I began this journey I was feeling more whole.  More at peace with who I am, not what others “think” I should be.  I brought more of my SFH self this time around and the alchemy of sacred space brought me to this state of conviction in heart, in body, and in soul.

Heart

I am in love.  In love with who I am becoming, in love with a beautiful woman, and in love with the Divine.  During my stay I found myself in an emerging relationship with all of the above.  With my Soulfullheart companion, Kathleen, I had to “show up” and be the man I know I am or risk losing something magical.  We both had to learn to be vulnerable and feel the fear of our parts in any given moment.  Through this sometimes difficult process, there arose a bond I have not experienced in decades.

As a result, I began to experience myself in a whole new way.  I feel more King-like, more open, and more real.  This is what I have been aching to feel my entire lifetime.  It has been worth all the challenges and tears.  The chrysalis is shedding and the wings are unfurling.  I am here…now.  With this new consciousness comes a new name…Cristian.

Body

Another manifestation from my Vancouver stay was the relationship to my body.  Jillian and Wayne have led me to a new respect for what I put into my body and how I maintain and strengthen it.  Though I am just beginning this new phase of my SFH experience, the initial feelings are positive and hopeful.  I went on a shopping trip recently and purchased more fruits and vegetables than I ever have.  Being around health just inspires me to be healthy.  As this unfolds, I will keep you posted on my body-based journey.

Soul

The last, but certainly not least, is my strengthened relationship to the Divine Mother.  From the minute I left my home some two weeks ago, situations occurred that were beyond mere circumstance.  People I sat next to on the plane, unfolding of seemingly unrelated events to lead me to one place or another, and the soft, tender voice that follows me wherever I go.  My daemon, Raybone, went through his own transformation with a new name and thus reestablished a long hiatus from Divine Love.  He has constructed an altar to Her Presence in our life.  All of which was inspired by music gifted to us by Jillian.  He has begun remembering our purpose here on this planet.

I have committed myself to moving toward Vancouver.  I have cleared my heart of any doubt that this is right for me.  I am unshakeable in my desire, unmovable in my faith.  I will be there.  I am there, now, in heart and in love.  The Divine tells me to follow my love and a path will be laid.  There will be challenges and fear along the way, but with Her Love, Kathleen’s love, and the love of my Soulfullheart family of Jillian, Wayne, and my daughter, there is nothing that will stop me.   I am. . . Convicted.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life.

Discovering ‘Social Softness’

Published on by Kasha Rosa1 Comment

socialsoft

By Marge in Kathleen Calder

Kathleen hasn`t yet written directly from any of her parts. I am happy to be the first.

My name is Marge and I am one of Kathleen’s more obvious parts in this phase that she’s in. I am also known as Kathleen’s “mom” part. In other words, I am the part that best represents and embodies the voice of Kathleen’s mom, much to the dismay and yet sometimes comfort of her younger parts. We are working together to heal this dynamic and bring Kathleen more compassion towards her mom despite their necessary separation during this phase of both their lives.

This weekend at group I was “outted”, as we call it in SoulFullHeart, for playing my usual hiding tricks. I hide my true feelings behind Kathleen’s ability to intellectualize any conversation, even if the conversation is about or during her process. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hide for long, but when Jillian called me out of hiding I felt very embarrassed. Weren’t we still getting the answer right even if I wasn’t connected with my feelings at the time? The simple answer is “not exactly”. It has taken a lot for me to let go of the way in which I answer questions or hold conversations in a group setting. Kathleen wasn’t aware of my tactical way of socializing through her until this weekend. She thought it was all normal…key word being “thought”. I “thought” it was it the way humans were meant to socialize. This whole idea of being in your heart and communicating what you are discerning through your emotions and feelings instead of using your head to discern and disseminate has been so foreign to me.

Until this past weekend, I never realized just how conditioned I was. Suddenly I had memories of being embarrassed for the opposite reason…for trying to communicate my feelings, only to have them invalidated by those who “loved” me.

Now I’m being taught that I am allowed to feel again. Yesterday when we were in the company of Wayne, Jillian and Christian, we were felt to be “softer”. Indeed, both Kathleen and I felt an emerging “social softness”, as it were. Ah, it felt so much nicer to choose stillness instead of words! Stillness allowed me to access my feelings and for Kathleen and I to speak directly from them for a change. Discovering the virtue in being this way in a social environment has helped me to feel what I truly feel about relationships that Kathleen has, including her relationship to social media. Together, she and I can move through life with a genuine and useful method of discernment about, well, everything. I no longer wish for us to simply exist and find ways to “get by”. I now desire for us to work together and find ways to LIVE.

With love and gratitude for you allowing me in through this writing,

Marge

​Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.