Recently, part of me was feeling anxiety about money feeling tight, and I could feel initially the background emotional tension around it. This same part of me has also been deeply feeling the very edge of deep change that we are on now in our world, and of course anxiety about how that will affect Jillian and I personally as it plays out.
I connected with this part of me through a journaling dialogue on pen and paper and felt its desire to reach out to the Divine Mother for guidance, I received the following guidance from the Divine Mother to this part of me:
“You must be willing to feel how all of life is vulnerable. Life is powerful, alive, amazing, and also vulnerable. Of course you feel anxiety in life. It is part of life. The stress comes when you are not willing or able to feel that life is vulnerable. You need the freedom to say ‘I feel afraid,’ when you feel that way, and recognize when you do. There are no guarantees. There is fear; there is desire; there is you and there is me.
THAT is why living life with your heart open is so courageous. You feel yourself, instead of medicating over your desires and hopes and fears. You tremble in the arms of me, Mother, if that is what you need to do. You curl up and ache and bawl on the floor if that is what comes. You have your own private and manageable nervous breakdown right there. You are all alone in one way and yet so held and loved, like you’ve never known, and like you cannot ever forget.
Life re-arises and comes back into focus, and even with strength and power, but these are not things you use to medicate the feelings of life’s never ending vulnerability, but instead feel your share in being unalterably on the altar of humanity and Divinity at the same time.”
This part of me felt so relieved and encouraged to feel the aliveness that comes from not suppressing vulnerable feelings and instead embracing them, owning them and making them mine. I have and get to play with power, and creativity, and purpose, but inside of a container of need and dependence and never ending reality of being a beloved child of my Divine parents.
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I looked around at the full magazine shelf. Almost every magazine targeting women had a beautiful woman on the cover, bearing her midriff, with a headline nearby shouting something or other about learning to look like that. As if that is the way every woman should look with a little hard work, or even some “fast and easy, no-gym-required, flat tummy tips”.
I began glancing across the headlines on each one, feeling a part of me tempted to pick one up and leaf through to the section she was most interested in – the one that promised big results fast. It is swimsuit season after all. Not long before it won’t be anymore, but that’s not important. All that matters is looking good at the beach. All that matters is looking better than the woman next to you. It seems we are constantly being told to compare to each other and assess our personal worth based on what someone else has and we don’t. I’ve had several parts that grasped onto that when I was very young and have only recently started to let go of constant comparison and fervent jealousy, sometimes even hatred, of other women.
I feel that these magazines are aware that they perpetuate this toxic dynamic. They are aware that they aren’t just telling us we need to look better, but that we need to look better than each other in order to prove our worth. It doesn’t feel like something within us, or some part of us, wants to be objectified and held up as “beautiful” by media standards, but it does feel like they may want that simply as a means to an end. An end of feeling ugly and fat. An end of being lonely and mate-less. An end of feeling unworthy in comparison to other women who have somehow managed to attain what we’ve always wanted via having beauty that seems to get you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Wouldn’t it be nice if that actually existed? All we seem to be getting instead is a “beauty” that we strive so hard to attain that we actually shut out everything that’s good. A part of me has used not having it or being it as an excuse to keep people out…to keep love out. To keep us in stalemate against other women, against a mate, and against myself. To actually stop potential friendships in their tracks because she felt “too fat” and undeserving to let them in, which I have learned is only a symptom of a much deeper problem of an ingrained sense of unworthiness and dis-empowerment.
My sense is that we, as women, are meant to nurture each other emotionally, spiritually, physically, and psychically. Magdalene, one of the faces of the Divine Mother offering a conscious connection through SoulFullHeart, offers that this is true Divine Sisterhood and it is our birthright. If we are fighting and comparing we are not dancing together. We are not uniting our feminine healing powers and working together to heal this world we live in. This world that so needs us to work together. Competition amongst women is a potent diversion from what is really at stake. United in love we are more powerful than we can imagine.
Like most women, I didn’t grow up with a healthy template for how to embody the nurturing Divine Sisterhood that Magdalene offers us. Both consciously and unconsciously, my sister and I were constantly at odds. She was good at sports and I was good at dance. There wasn’t much support or encouragement in either camp for one of us to explore the other’s chosen passion. I am as much at fault as her for not recognizing what we did to each other in this area, and all the other areas in which we would be in contest (including, of course, the area of body image and diet). I also have a sense that my mother and I had some unconscious competition going on as well. She spent time worrying about me, which in essence kept me small. My bigness and my longing to live into it scared a part of her deeply. There was also an intrinsic envy that I was willing to take the risks I did to move forward in my life, sometimes carelessly but mostly because I dared to dream and hold my desires as attainable. Something I have never felt her hold as a possibility for herself.
Competition amongst females is so ingrained in the psyche of women that it’s hard to be acutely conscious of it. It becomes “normal” for us to criticize each other openly or even to simply look each other up and down, scanning for weaknesses or something we have that they don’t and vice versa. I’m exhausted by this dynamic and find myself longing for more women to be conscious of it so we can work through it together. This doesn’t come without great courage and a recognition that there indeed is a problem and something needs to change. My relationship with Jillian and my growing Magdalene-consciousness, has helped me to find my courage and a new template for how we can relate to each other as women. They have helped me become aware of all of the ways in which I was unconsciously attempting to compete with Jillian and together we are finding our way to Divine Sisterhood. She has also given me a new template for how to relate to my body, which has been of huge importance in shifting toxic dynamics between myself and other women.
My parts’ relationship to my body is and always has been at the root of my drive to compete. For some reason, the female body has been seen as problematic and it has been shoved down our throats, literally, by these magazines telling us what to eat and what to do to look “good”. This totally dis-empowers us with regard to our own bodies. Magdalene offers that it is actually innate for women to know what they need to eat and when for what reason. It is not so mental and research-based, though that can help if we don’t take it too seriously. We are women and we are naturally intuitive. It is actually very patriarchal to think there is a textbook-way to take care of our bodies and look our best. It is also very patriarchal to think there is only one way we should look and that we should strive for that no matter what the cost to our souls, bodies and hearts.
I am imagining now how different the world would be if we stopped competing and chose love instead. It’s a powerful picture…and the global healing that could arise from such efforts would be tremendous. We have only to put down the magazines and look inside ourselves.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
Full moon on a beach in Gibsons, BC. Photo taken by Kathleen Calder
By Jillian Vriend
The seagulls ride air currents, swirling and curling like waves above the sparkling water. Their piercing cries invite me to pay attention, to watch them, to take in their messages offering bridging between water and land. Waves roll in and out, landing mostly softly on the shore, tumbling granite into small speckled stones. The beach stretches out in both directions, empty and still on this rare sunny morning in May. My dog Koda is leaning against me, his heart chakra pressed against my left hand- both giving and receiving love. I sit on secret beach in Gibsons, BC, feeling that I am here. I am where I am meant to be. I am home.
I am praying in a light way, my thoughts and dialogue with Mother drifting in and out without a clear direction. I express my gratitude to Her for the guidance I received from Her almost a year ago, “Go be near water. To offer this work, you need to be held by water.” I first heard this message while I was sitting on a beach on Gabriola Island, an island a 20 minute ferry ride from Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. My husband Wayne and I spent half of our time on Gabriola Island last year, living in a cottage near the water. SoulFullHeart was born during these visits and we drew the first people to this way of life once we could breathe and be near the water and away from the busy grids of the city.
We stopped renting the cottage in September as we felt Gabriola was too remote and small for us and I received further guidance to explore the Sunshine Coast and specifically the town of Gibsons. The Sunshine Coast is not an island, yet it feels like one because even though it is the same land mass as Vancouver, it is not accessible by car, only by ferry. A 40 minute ferry ride from West Vancouver, Gibsons is a small town with an artistic and environmentally conscious community. The moment we came here it felt like our geographic ‘home.’ We began to bake on our desires to move here back then, feeling that we wanted to stay in North Vancouver until our daughter graduated from high school. Our fellow SoulFullHeart Way of Life members and friends, Christian and Kathleen, actually moved to Gibsons first in March together, allowing us to visit here frequently and fall even more in love with the setting and the breathing space it offered. In a matter of hours after putting our desires out there, Wayne and I drew a new home that has organic garden beds, guest rooms, a large room to host SoulFullHeart groups, is walkable to beaches, and has a view of the ocean.
Our focus over this last year while still living in North Vancouver had been to develop and deepen SoulFullHeart as a way of life and soon a non-profit society. We offered SoulFullHeart through free introduction meetings in North Vancouver and in Squamish. We also appeared on the Conscious Living Radio show twice at the beginning of the year to talk about SoulFullHeart and introduce it to the conscious community there. We are open to drawing those in the Vancouver area, yet, we feel that we would invite them to come to a monthly group here in Gibsons, as we feel the air, sunshine, and water are deeply healing and support their process.
The last month has been full with actualizing our desires and dreams to live on the Sunshine Coast into reality. Many times I could feel parts of me reacting to a change or transition or difficult decision to be made, especially around establishing my daughter on her own in North Vancouver. I could feel a young matriarch part of me having a difficult time letting go of our space, especially her domain in the kitchen, and tensions and anxieties coming from difficult experiences living with others in the past. I experienced a significant cold for the first time in three years and spent a week being with myself, resting, and letting in the changes to come.
Yet, I repeatedly received during this time this message from the Mother, “Want what you want. And let go of how it will come to be.” I feel this is an important message about how to hold our deepest soul and heart desires. She invited me to feel them deeply, no matter how difficult or impossible they seemed, and, at the same time, let go of how they would specifically manifest. Letting go in this way opened me up more to others’ alchemy, Wayne’s leadership, and resource exchanges with others, inviting us into a new economy not based just on money but exchange of value. We are currently staying at a beautiful property in Gibsons for a couple of weeks until our new home is available in exchange for doing painting and other jobs around the property. People here seem more open to exchange and trades in this way wanting to ‘leave the government out of it.’ We are all excited to feel and see how SoulFullHeart may plant and grow in this kind of alternative and conscious soil.
My experience of this process of moving to a new geography over the last year validates my experience that change is a natural process that invites us into our own growth and deepening connection with ourselves, others, and the Divine. If we can hold and feel our relationship to change and be with parts of ourselves which are anxious, concerned, and afraid of it, we can draw to and manifest our deepest desires and dreams. But only if we are open to giving up our attachment to the things, people, careers, medications, etc. which don’t support our most authentic self, numb our feelings, and block the realization of these dreams. We’ve had to say ‘no’ many times over the last year to things which wouldn’t fulfill our desires, but what we were always saying ‘yes’ to was the realization of our dreams and a deeper experience of love.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
I’ve now shared the messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
Mother Mary represents the West direction; left and yin side; the cleansing and purifying qualities of Autumn; and the active time before the stillness of winter comes. She wears a light blue cloak and has long, brown hair. Rather than feeling Mary as literally a virgin as fundamentalist religions portray Her, I have experienced Her as holding the essence of purity and innocence for us so we can feel it as a reflection of our sacred human essence. In Her, I most feel what I call the “Divine Mother”, although all face of the Mother hold frequencies of this. It was with Mary’s support and strength that I have taken needed space in relating with my birth mother. I felt that the degree that I was holding on to a false mother relationship was the degree that I couldn’t let the Divine Mother in at deeper levels. I feel that the Divine Mother calls us to be willing to give up any falseness in our relationships and medicating realities for phases of time that parts of us are clinging to that no longer nourish and serve our growing SFH self.
Mary offers us a possibility and template of our own purity, our Divine child essence, a reclaiming of this essence and our birthright as Her and the Divine Father’s daughter or son. For women, She offers a template of authentic compassion and care, beautiful and comforting love, and a capacity to feel others and ourselves without defensiveness and with healthy protective boundaries in place. For men, She offers a womb of clean motherly love with complete dedication without smothering, a support of male strength and leadership, and an encouragement for the man to embrace his feminine side. Here is a recent message I received from the Mother Mary about 2013 and the state of the world:
You are my children, suffering. I am your mother, weeping.
I open my arms to you. Come inside them and rest your head on my chest. Feel my cloak around you keeping you warm and safe.
I feel how you are hurting and in pain. I’ve felt this for so long inside of you and it hurts me too. I forgive you for this pain even as I offer to you that you can move beyond it. That you can heal beyond it. I do not know if you will and I cannot make you do anything you don’t want to do, nor would I want you to.
Yet, if you could see and feel the world as I do! You can stay in my embrace, just open your heart to feel. That’s it.
I see a man with a gun and I can feel the child inside of him, the wounded son who never felt loved or cared for by his father or mother.
I see a woman lying on her back for money and I can feel the wounded daughter in her who only got attention for her physical appearance.
I see a gang of men raping a woman and I can feel the wound from past lives of both persecuting and being persecuted.
I see a person who hunts without conscience and I can feel the parts of them who feels hunted by life, trapped and unable to change.
I see a company without morals and focused only on profit and I can feel the closed off hearts of the people who run this company, unable to feel themselves or others.
This is some of what I see when I look into the heart of any man or woman. I feel the wounded child inside. The innocent core too. The purity and the goodness that is often buried deep. I feel their sacred humanity that is waiting to bloom. Waiting for water of love, compassion, and feeling.
This is what I see and feel about you, my sacred human children, and this is why I can forgive you for where most of you are now. I forgive, yes, and yet I ache for you to embody what your capacity is. I ache for you to grow up with your childlike innocence intact. I ache for you to feel my arms around you always and not forget anymore that I am there. I ache for you to forgive yourselves, for this life and many lifetimes. I ache for you to heal, to heal with and in love, and to offer healing with love to others too.
You can stay here, in my arms, as long as you need to. I am always here. I cannot and will not leave you, even if you do not let me in or see me or receive me.
I love you and all that you are, even the darkest of sides of you, and I will always and forever,
Over the next several days, I am going to be sharing messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability.
In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
Magdalene represents the southern direction. She embodies sisterhood, community, connection, and the healing of feminine competition and envy. She offers that no real separation can exist among women or men as we are all connected in a web for which Earth and nature are inseparable in spirit to us. She wears a deep red cloak and has reddish-blond, curly, long hair. She is the lover, the feminine mate, and the one who celebrates romance. She holds the frequencies of match maker and takes real delight in intimate connections happening between lovers in seemingly random ways. She is summer time love, warmth and heat, and embracing nature and enjoyment of being outdoors. She holds frequencies of pagan practices, Goddess worship, alchemical Christianity (without making the body bad or sinful), earth-based magic, tantric and kundalini forces. She is the female twin of Christ Consciousness and I feel She was the soul mate of Jesus during the lifetime he incarnated here.
Magdalene is the holder of our past reincarnations on Earth and perhaps in other dimensions as well. She is connected to the web of Oneness, the Akashic records, and the grids over this reality. I feel she also empowers our third eye or sixth chakra development and growth offering us visions, intuitions, pictures, and access to our natural healing capacities. Here is a recent message I received from the Magdalene about 2013 and the state of the world:
My sisters, my brothers! Where have we gone wrong? When did we stop dancing and singing? Some of you still do, but the numbers become fewer and fewer every day.
I do not like being alarming. It is not my nature as much as the others, yet, I am becoming more alarmed with each day that passes. I’ve seen many worlds come and go. Worlds that were as real as yours and then become destroyed, living only on in memory, feeling then only as real as your fairy tales.
I can help you remember these other worlds, learning lessons from the shadows of these civilizations, the ways they destroyed themselves, the ways they were glorious. I offer an experience of the past in order to learn and heal and move on.
What is your past? What is painful about it? Why is it hard to remember? Why do you act like you don’t have any past lives? What is the legacy that you hold? I want you to remember and to heal.
There is much congestion and wounding from the past, so much to recover and heal from. The wounds of persecution influence the acts of persecution, both outwardly and inwardly expressed, that happen all over the world today.
The wounds of religious persecution, intolerance, and hatred play out today in holy wars on lands scarred by oil drilling and stained with blood. We need to embrace healing these wounds together and to feel how religious intolerance is a curse of human consciousness which must shift or threaten to collapse and destroy your world.
Love….I want to speak of love now. I want to speak of romantic love between growth mates, lovers united by love and connection, collaborators offering their soul gifts together to the world. I want to speak of sacred friendship between men and women, women and women, men and men. Friendships connected by shared values, deep resonance, authenticity, desire for self and others’ growth.
And, I want to speak of family. True family. Heart family, not birth family. Allegiance to birth family, much like religious intolerance, has led to so many problems and pain! You were born to them, yet you aren’t bond to them for life. Why did you ever think you were? See what can arise if you ask for more, if you bring more of who you are, if you commit to healing yourself and your parts and invite them to do the same. Then your birth family might become your true heart and soul family. And, you will draw your true heart and soul family as you heal and let go of the unhealthy attachments to your birth family.
I want to speak of healing. Healing that is not about curing, but is about experiencing more of your own heart, your soul, your passions, your gifts, your creativity, your song and dance. Healing that frees you from pain and suffering for good and for long lasting. Healing that transforms you from false to authentic, connects you to your essence as a sacred human child.
SoulFullHeart, as offered through Jillian and Wayne, is one way. It is a way that is easier for me to come through and chat with you, which I love to do. But there are others. Find them and let them in your heart and live as you were meant to live. Be who you were meant to be with all your heart, body, and soul.
Love as you were meant to love and the world is saved along with you,
Over the next several days, I am going to be sharing messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives come from that vulnerability. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your Daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
The Dark Madonna represents the hard rains and temperamental weather patterns of Spring and the rebirth of new blooms after the stillness of winter. She wears a dark or black cloak and I’ve seen Her interchangeably as the Dark Madonna and as the Hindu Goddess Kali. The fierce Kali face seems to come in moments of deep change, transformation, and burning off and letting go of what is false. I associate the Dark Mother as representing more of the creative expression and a pressing muse of inspiration. Both of the forms of Her represent feeling what is at stake, the capacity to act when it is necessary, and the cycle of death and rebirth.
I’ve included a video at the end of a song, “Lux Aeterna” by Clint Mansell, which I feel perfectly captures the urgency, intensity, necessary darkness, and creative momentum of the Dark Mother. Here is a recent message I received from the Dark Mother- Kali about 2013 and the state of the world:
My message is the same as it has been for some time. It is many times in these pages, yet I will offer it again for you.
Imagine drumming; a relentless drumming that pulses through you, through your veins and flows throughout your entire body.
Imagine the sky filling with thick, black smoke; smoke that is slowly choking out the sun; smoke that is killing off many of the earth’s animals.
Imagine armies of people with weapons, slaughtering and mutilating each other; blood coursing out of newly inflicted wounds; people walking over the dying and dead without pause.
Imagine drying out seas, rivers, lakes, and streams and being thirsty; being more thirsty then you can even possibly actual imagine because you have never been this thirsty before; your throat as dry as sandpaper, scratchy and itchy.
Imagine unbearable heat and slowly warming seas and lands; icebergs melting at an alarming rate and uncontrollable flooding.
Imagine women and girls with their yonis cut up and mutilated; with men justifying this slaughter by reciting an archaic text in the name of God.
Imagine young children, families, people going without any food or water and the greedy companies that own these resources refusing to share them, wanting to make a profit despite suffering and death.
Imagine the ghosts of animals who have become extinct; killed off by humans without conscience or compassion; killed for superficial or superstitious or false reasons.
Imagine the toxic pollution in your water, in your food, in your bodies, making you sick, slowly killing you and all the creatures that swim and crawl and live in it.
Imagine relationships and marriages without sex, without companionship, without good will, without love.
Can you imagine all of this? Why would you want to? Who would want to imagine these sorts of things? As terrible as it is to imagine all of this, it’s even worse that this is the world that you live in now. This is the reality of life on the planet earth in 2013. There is some hope, always, yet there is much death and even need for much of it to die and new possibilities to be born.
Now, imagine a world where humans and animals live together in conscious and compassionate relationship with each other.
Imagine a world where children and all people have water, food, shelter, and physical safety as part of their birth right as sacred human children of the Divine.
Imagine a world where emotional and spiritual consciousness is more important than mental, physical, and material attainment.
Imagine a world where nature and the environment are in balance with human needs and all humans connected to the consequences of being out of balance with nature.
Imagine healthy, loving, and non-toxic relationships between family members, friends, and romantic mates where emotional health is more important than being safe, secure, and conforming.
Can you feel what is at stake if you continue to be in a world that is hard to imagine, but is unfortunately real and can be truly terrible? Can you feel what is at stake if you do not be the change that you want to see take place in this world in order for it to transform to the one of your dreams?
Imagine what is at stake. Now, imagine doing and being nothing different.
The choice is yours, as it always has been. My desire is that you will make the right ones, even if the personal cost to you is high. I promise you that anything you give up and lose in the process was not a reflection of your authentic self.
There are troubled times and dark events coming, as you’ve already experienced many times before. This is a time of the darkness before the dawn. Hold this in your heart even as you surrender into the darkness when I come for you. Trust that while the pain and loss may feel unbearable, it is temporarily necessary to be born. Just like the pains of labor, there is much to gain from the pain. You gain a new you! A sacredly human you!
So, don’t run if you feel me coming in the form of change, transformation, or transition. See me as a gift out of your deadness and flatness and into real live, pulsing with aliveness, uncertainty, challenge, desire, and love. See, always, if you can feel the love in my offering of change.
Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life. Read here for more writing about Dark Mother-Kali, including more of Her message about our current troubled times, and visualization visits with Her. To read more about conscious connection with the Divine Mother, In The Arms Of Mother, a book by Jillian Vriend, is available in e-book or print edition on lulu.com.
Over the next several days, I am going to be sharing messages I received from the four faces of the Divine Mother that I experience connection with: Kuan Yin, Dark Mother-Kali, Magdalene, and Mother Mary. My main way of communicating with them has been through visualization visits, which I feel we are all able to experience and engage with if our hearts are in need, we vulnerably ask for it, and our motives are pure. In SoulFullHeart, the connection you develop with your daemon or soul guardian allows for the frequencies of communication to come through clearer and with less resistance. Through the SoulFullHeart way of life, you heal emotional and spiritual wounds through getting to know aspects of yourself and your Daemon which clear congestions that may block you from hearing and experiencing the Divine for yourself. We offer in SoulFullHeart that we are all sacred human children of the Divine meant to experience, especially the Divine Mother, in a direct, personal, and intimate way that requires no middleman, guru, or priest.
Here is a recent message I received from Kuan Yin about 2013 and the state of the world:
Hear me in the stream. Hear me in the water flow. Hear me in the flute. Hear me in the chimes. Or don’t hear me. Just be with me.
This is difficult now. As always. Such a busy world. Busy back and forth. Busy buying and selling. Busying birthing and killing. Busy with things that do not matter. Busy with things that do. Busy with content and not enough context. Busy with superficial and not enough depth.
In all your busy, you do not see or hear or feel or be enough. You are not still enough. If you could be more still, you would feel your own desires. You would feel your blood rushing through. You would hear the beating of your heart. You would remember that you are both real and not real.
In all your busy, you attach to things that are false. Things like time and money. Things like attainment and performance. In your language, things like mortgages, salary raises, investments, and on and on. In any language, these are things that are false and do not exist. Time and money are the biggest falsities and your attachment to their importance holds you captive to them.
To be free is to feel how time is an illusion.
To be free is to feel how money is an illusion.
In all your busy, you attach to your mind and understanding and mental attainment. Your schools and educational systems are little factories for this. The mind is but one filter, and not even the most important one. No, they are all important! But the mind has been made too important. If you can forget the mind in moments, even just for a brief moment, you are free.
In all your busy, you do things that are completely lacking in compassion. You commit acts against each other that are cruel and abusive. You become stuck in apathy and so can’t feel the cries of the world. If you feel the cries of the world, you could weep every second of every day for the state of the world and those suffering within it. Your tears would flow always, as do mine, for all the creatures that suffer in the world with not enough food, not enough water, not enough shelter, not enough respect, not enough safety. With not enough love.
This year is the same as other years, which also do not actually exist. You attach to the beginning of years; you make your resolutions and promises to yourself about your fresh starts. Resolutions are not real, only the desires that are at their roots. Resolutions become more ways to stay busy and then punish yourself when you don’t stay busy enough.
Instead, hear me. Be with me. Be still with me. And see what comes and arises from that. Arise and dissipate with that.
And then, we will see.
We will be. Won’t we?
Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life.
I spent some time looking up the word “convicted”. Obviously, the first thing that comes up is “being found guilty”. In biblical terms (and may I preface that I am not nor have ever have been a Christian this life), it seems “convicted” is to realize through the Word of God that the life we had been living was “wrong”. In either case, both definitions connote judgment. In my new awareness, conviction is a state of loving embrace. That is how it feels to me. I could have easily chosen another word, but somehow this one really resonates with the heart of what I am.
I have recently returned from another Soulfullheart experience in Vancouver. This time for two weeks. While the group only met for two days, my process was running on 8 cylinders the whole time. The compartments that I used to walk in and out of were melting away. For the first time since I began this journey I was feeling more whole. More at peace with who I am, not what others “think” I should be. I brought more of my SFH self this time around and the alchemy of sacred space brought me to this state of conviction in heart, in body, and in soul.
Heart
I am in love. In love with who I am becoming, in love with a beautiful woman, and in love with the Divine. During my stay I found myself in an emerging relationship with all of the above. With my Soulfullheart companion, Kathleen, I had to “show up” and be the man I know I am or risk losing something magical. We both had to learn to be vulnerable and feel the fear of our parts in any given moment. Through this sometimes difficult process, there arose a bond I have not experienced in decades.
As a result, I began to experience myself in a whole new way. I feel more King-like, more open, and more real. This is what I have been aching to feel my entire lifetime. It has been worth all the challenges and tears. The chrysalis is shedding and the wings are unfurling. I am here…now. With this new consciousness comes a new name…Cristian.
Body
Another manifestation from my Vancouver stay was the relationship to my body. Jillian and Wayne have led me to a new respect for what I put into my body and how I maintain and strengthen it. Though I am just beginning this new phase of my SFH experience, the initial feelings are positive and hopeful. I went on a shopping trip recently and purchased more fruits and vegetables than I ever have. Being around health just inspires me to be healthy. As this unfolds, I will keep you posted on my body-based journey.
Soul
The last, but certainly not least, is my strengthened relationship to the Divine Mother. From the minute I left my home some two weeks ago, situations occurred that were beyond mere circumstance. People I sat next to on the plane, unfolding of seemingly unrelated events to lead me to one place or another, and the soft, tender voice that follows me wherever I go. My daemon, Raybone, went through his own transformation with a new name and thus reestablished a long hiatus from Divine Love. He has constructed an altar to Her Presence in our life. All of which was inspired by music gifted to us by Jillian. He has begun remembering our purpose here on this planet.
I have committed myself to moving toward Vancouver. I have cleared my heart of any doubt that this is right for me. I am unshakeable in my desire, unmovable in my faith. I will be there. I am there, now, in heart and in love. The Divine tells me to follow my love and a path will be laid. There will be challenges and fear along the way, but with Her Love, Kathleen’s love, and the love of my Soulfullheart family of Jillian, Wayne, and my daughter, there is nothing that will stop me. I am. . . Convicted.
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Today, December 21st, 2012, is a significant day. It’s significant for different reasons, depending on who you are asking about it. Some see it as the end, some see it as the beginning. There have been a growing number of people who felt that today was literally going to be the end of the world as we’ve known it. They have been predicting this primarily due to astronomical factors – including a planet that is supposedly four times the size of Earth entering our atmosphere, a sudden planetary alignment, solar flares, and the earth’s axis shifting around – leading to devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, and floods,
These people connect their reasoning (although it seems that there is no scientific evidence to support them) and intuitions to the completion of the long-count Mayan calendar, although many others now suggest that the calendar completing was not about a literal ending, but symbolizes one cycle or phase ending and a new one beginning. People from around the world are visiting areas in Mexico during this time, especially the Yucatan city of Merida, which is close to the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza, to celebrate this shift into a new era. They are honoring the ushering in of a more enlightened and conscious phase of human evolution, rather than expecting that the end of an old way of being will bring literal death and destruction.
December 21st is also the first day of winter, the winter solstice, and, most notoriously, the shortest day of the year and the official beginning of the winter season. To me, December 21st begins the seasonal influence of Kuan Yin, one of the four faces of the Divine Mother that we feel offer a powerful healing when connected to in an intimate and personal way. The other faces are the Dark Mother or Kali (springtime); Magdalene (summertime); and Mother Mary (Autumn).
Kuan Yin offers an invitation to stillness, reflection, and meditation in whatever forms your soul (through your Daemon) is most comfortable with. I’ve found the deepest connection with Kuan Yin through taking himalayan salt baths, contemplative prayer, conversation, and SoulFullHeart energy healing offered to myself and others. Kuan Yin invites us to embrace a non-violent means of relating to each other, eating vegetarian (or at least feeling where and how the meat you eat has been treated), merciful compassion with boundaries, and straightforward directness with care. We are all in each moment arising and dissipating, so Kuan Yin also teaches us non-attachment to things which do not matter.
I feel that Her energetic presence is particularly strong and available to us right now because of Her commitment to, as her name represents, to “hear the cries of the world.” In Her deep embodiment of compassion for the needy, we are given a template for the force of care and compassion that is needed to move us out of the dark place we are in as a human species in which so much of our kind is in need and suffering. She reminds us of our connection to each other, in an infinite place of Oneness where individual personality is transcended and the spark of divine humanity that lives in us all is palpable, experiential, and deeply remembered.
So, on this significant day, I choose to celebrate with love, as is offered to me by Kuan Yin and the other faces of the Mother, rather than in a place of feeling fear of eventual devastation and destruction. I do feel that we are in a global phoenix cycle, yet that the changes necessary will come at a rate and pace that we can bear and respond to. In the arms of the Mother, we find comfort, mercy, growth, and care. In Her arms, we experience our most profound essence as sacred human reflections of the Divine.
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*This was written after a SoulFullHeart weekend group healing and energy session in Vancouver, BC. It is a reflection and vulnerable description of my personal experience.
As I write this, I am sitting in my living room. I have renamed it The Lonely Room. This name was brought to me by Jillian as a place where men go to digest, process, and reconnect. It feels fitting in this moment and all others that have preceded it and have yet to pass. To a part of you, it may sound depressing. It certainly does to a part of me. However, the reality is that this is the only place I can be right now to let in all that has been offered to me. It has become sacred space. A space where my parts, my daemon, and my connection to God can be together without distraction.
In my recent visit to Vancouver, I felt like a pinball. At least, that is how a part of me felt. But that is how it is sometimes. We get put into play by our intention and desire. We hit a rubber wall of resistance. Other times we go through false walls and move right through. We land in special places where lights sparkle and bells whistle with excitement, only to pop right out again to find more resistance, doors, and joyful resonance. The flippers keep us in play to receive more lessons, more opportunity. But eventually the ball comes to rest. It rests in a quiet place. To reflect, process, and download all that was felt. This is The Lonely Room.
By now, you may be thoroughly confused. Sorry about that. Let me offer you my story. As stated above, I went to Vancouver to join in a SoulFullHeart group session and energy healing. Afterwards, I would visit with my daughter. Even before getting there, I felt many emotions coming from multiple parts. I have an arrest record that has made it a challenge to enter Canada. Though I have taken the necessary steps to clear this, it has always been a 50/50 chance. This brings up loads of anxiety and shame. My young part, Christopher, is acutely afraid of authority. “The men in black are scary!” he says. The possibility of being told to turn around would be a blow to my fragile shame part, Shane. It was difficult not to fuse with these parts. I did what I could to allow the feeling to come in and reassure them I would not be arrested or turned away. Easier said than done.
After lots of meditation and prayer I entered Canada and was given an opportunity to clear my record by a sympathetic border agent. (Either that, or he just didn’t want to me to waste their time anymore.) New life was infused within me and now it was negotiating transit to make it to my Mecca. Now that I think of it, it was more of a pilgrimage than a sojourn, has I had previously thought of it. Parts of me had found their way home.
The next day in group, I worked with a part of me that held my shame and guilt. I had to admit something that was very painful to reveal. This part of me, Marcus, is not comfortable with me being explicit, but the revelation was about his lack of self-worth and self-punishment. In this moment, healing occurred, through Love and Grace. A “rubber suit” had been placed around me to protect me from letting anything in, while at the same time not letting anything out. Not a healthy combination.
Through this “feelization”, I was shown that my own daughter had inherited this suit. This of course brought me more guilt and shame only to be held in love by Jillian and Wayne and was moved to remorse. Not nearly as energetic and debilitating. With remorse, there is awareness yet compassion. To help my own child see this, I had to first remove mine. This would be done during the energy session and it turned out to be a cocoon instead of a suit. I was changed as a result. A different me than the one that walked through the door.
That night I brought my new awareness to my daughter. I could feel how much pain was residing in her young part over this. We both reflect each other in our goodness, but also in our disconnectedness. She was moved by my words and vulnerability in the moment, but could not let it all the way in, for her own reasons. Reasons that I am all too familiar with. I know that it will take time. She has been offered this work as a way to help be more authentic in the world and to let in true love. I was challenged as to how much of her resistance I was willing to accept. To be honest, I really don’t know. For now, all I can do is continue to bring my truth to her and see where it lands. It has taken me some time to get here, and I am not able to let go yet. This challenge, however, rattled my cage to the core, and has also led me to my relationship to my family and friends.
While I have created space from my family, I have not brought my process to them. There are still too many energetics at play to be able to talk frankly about it. I can write, but that is as far as I can go for now. Though I know the time will come when I am ready. This would be to truly love myself and them. My friends, however, are more immediate. I do not hold the level of energy I do with my family. I was challenged again to feel what space I am holding for them while at the same time not being felt in my expression. This is where struggle comes in.
As I go through this work, I become less and less connected to the “old” me. That “old” me has built relationships around things that I no longer hold dear. If this “new” me is as important to me as I say it is, how can I relate to my friends in an “old” way? The answer is I can’t, but I still can’t say I won’t. At some point, “I won’t”, will happen just as it did with my family. I may need to go through one last cycle of expressing my authentic self. This is where the “rubber meets the road”. Cliché yet true. The lack of connection may be loud and clear. From there, I will have two options: Be old or be new. A part of me already knows the answer; the other will need to experience it. This is my process.
At the end of this process will be surrender. Surrendering to what my daemon, Emmerich, knows to be true. Surrendering to the faith he has in God. Surrendering to the fear of letting my old friend, Marcus, go. He will always be with me, just with a different name and a different role. This will not happen overnight but rather over time, as the universe sees fit.
Though the road is sometimes bumpy and rough, I could not imagine being on any other one. I am being real for the first time in my life. I am taking responsibility for the life that has been gifted to me by the Divine. By saying yes to this work I am saying yes to me and to love. It is not forced upon me. It is offered to me by the Mother and the love of Jillian and Wayne. I am choosing this path because it is the one that feels the most authentic. Thank you for reading this. I always write for me initially, but somewhere I hope that someone may get something that comes out of The Lonely Room.
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