Honoring The Courage To Feel: A Gatekeeper’s Journey

Tender tears flow. This is the moment of feeling. Healing. Letting go and letting in. In recent weeks I have been connecting with another layer of my defenses, my protection, in the form of what we call the Gatekeeper. They are the holders and guardians of our soul story and soul pain. I have had several incarnations in my healing process and this latest one has been one that has been like the Wizard of my Oz. He was found in deep resistance to feminine intuition and guidance. It was a subtle energy that was very much closely connected to my waking consciousness. A cognitive dissonance arose in me and I began to feel a bit lost in what was me and what wasn’t.

As I began to commune with this energy more and receive space-holding from Jelelle and reflection from my beloved Kalayna, I could begin to feel a conscious separation that is all part of this work of differentiation. The energy became less unknown and more knowable. More willing to be seen and connected with. I could feel how this aspect of me has been so closely entwined with me most of my life and came out in bits and pieces over the course of my healing.

But this has felt core to me. The themes he has shared with me have been themes that have pervaded my consciousness my whole life. Guilt, shame, cowardice, judgment, rejection, fear, doubt, hopelessness, and even rage. Our Gatekeepers are like sponges that hold this vast arena of our soul in a what appears as a finite container of energy. This provides a huge feeling of burden and responsibility. I have equated it to the image of Atlas in past writings.

He was originally found in a large cavernous space under my castle as a dragon protecting my inner treasure of heart and soul. But this was mostly a projection of defense he has since shown himself to be more human in form as the lifetimes on this planet would have him, and me, accustomed to. We have been in contact daily but he has been a bit elusive due to his own distrust and acclimation in being seen. Today he let me in a bit more to feel the deeper pain of creating a wall to his angelic home.

From his words, he felt how much he had fused to this dimension and assumed the role of responsibility of what happened to my soul, rather than the intended choice of being a guide. The experiences of myriad timelines had shuddered his heart through the volatility of human pain and emotion. He chose a life of hiding and self-sequestering that only acted as a barrier to receive the Love from whence he came. I was guided to play some piano music that has always brought this feeling of missing home into my heart. As I played it, the tears came and the heart opened even if just slightly.

He could feel the waves of love coming from “beyond” yet are very much right here, right now. It has been hard for him to let that in as it means to feel the pain of putting up the walls in the first place. So the tears are bittersweet, but tears nonetheless. They are the process of Love finding the pain and giving it the healing that it wants and needs in order to move on and move up to new frequencies and timelines that offer more ease and joy and less heaviness and difficulty.

It wasn’t a full dam break but a good start to begin to shift something so profoundly core in my life. In my quest for wholeness, self-love, and service of love. The image that I chose below is one that represents my Gatekeeper and his lonely search for Love even when he has resisted it so. It looked as far away as the stars but forgetting is had always been there right there under his feet and in his heart. This is my honoring of him and his courage to keep marching on.


Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

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