The Kaleidoscopic Realness Of Feeling

Sometimes it gets cold inside
Ice forms over the places that haven’t been easy to feel
To remember.

It is not the totality of the Heart
But a protected region.
The Sun hasn’t quite made its way
But it’s always patiently persistent.

The cold and isolated parts of us
Just need that reminder that it was all necessary.
All part of the plan and journey.

It was all Love.
Believe it or not.

So I sit with the coldness
The fear
The unworth

I offer an ember
That may one day grow
And melt away all that it has covered.
Releasing the essence of being

The kaleidoscopic realness of feeling
Of transparency
Of authenticity
Of warmth
Of joy
Of Grace

But today we just sit
And feel the moment
What Is
With Love

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Secret Worlds Colliding: The Reunion Of The Inner Masculine and Feminine

Seeing things that were not there
On a wing on a prayer
In this state of disrepair
Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
All the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

-Peter Gabriel, Secret World

The past 2 weeks I have been in mourning. Continuing to let go of my relationship to my former wife, healing companion, and soul-growth partner. This has brought me to many tears and awarenesses of who I was and have been in relationship to intimacy and romance. I have felt a closing off of my heart and a difficulty going into the core of my fear. This was a merging and fusion to my wounded inner masculine that has been on guard for most of my life.

He has been a wall builder and a camouflage artist. I do not say that with judgement, but with compassion and gratitude as I understand why. So much coming to light about how much he had to create a Secret World in order to protect my inner feminine, my sensitive heart. Fortunately it never became so hardened that I couldn’t fall in love, but it was the eventual shut-downs and push-aways that extinguished any fire that once burned hot.

I was guided in session to connect with this guarded inner masculine (i.e. Inner Protector) to feel what the walls were hiding and protecting. The walls were initially very formidable, yet were covered with foliage which suggested life. Underneath there was moisture which suggested a porosity. I found a doorway that led to another set of walls, only this time thinner and more shrub-like. It appeared as a maze or labyrinth.

As I continued, I heard a sweet song being sung with a feminine voice. I was lead to a river bank where a beautiful woman stood washing clothes. I was immediately taken to a timeline of a military man returning home from a long tour of duty, ashamed of how long he had been away and a fear that the woman he once loved may never forgive him because he had never forgiven himself.

While this felt specific, it was also symbolic. The inner masculine having been doing its ‘duty’ for so long that he had created a Secret World to protect Her. His beloved counterpart that he had almost forgotten about in the day to day fear of being seen and witnessed as lonely, tired, and unforgivable. He could feel alone, but not his loneliness.

That feels like the crux of the wounded masculine. Feeling his genuine and vulnerable loneliness. His missing of the feminine. His forgotten aspect hidden in the depth of the psyche and heart. A man’s true journey, I am realizing, is this journey back to Her and the transparency of the Secret World he has created. The walls burn down and the Emperor wears no clothes.

It is in this space that new connection arises. She takes her space next to him. She sparks the fire and warms the hearth. Helps him to thaw from the journey of the cold and the hiding. He shakes and quivers, but is held by her. He releases and dies from what was, reimagining what could be. He may still build walls, for it was all he has known to do, but She will be there to help bring them down with love in her heart. To remind him again of the journey he took to find her once again. No longer a secret world, but an open world where only real love and truth reign.

I wanted to share this as an example of what this work can lead us to inside of ourselves. As a facilitator, I am in need of healing too. I am not perfect. Just human. A man that has chosen a path of confronting the very thing parts of him fear the most. Real Love. No matter how hardened or disconnected we become, we are always in reaction this force within us that will not be denied for it is our essence and destiny to let it reign. It is the very power that we seek as humans, only to have misinterpreted what that power really is. It is my desire and calling to serve and share that with the world.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Into The Trauma, And Beyond!

By Raianna Shai

Much of spirituality and emotional healing is based on the healing of trauma. From this life, other lifetimes, and with galactic connections. This is probably some of the most important work we do in healing our wounding and growing closer to our essence. My recent process, however, has helped me realize that there IS healing that exists beyond the trauma.

In my most recent session I connected with both my inner protector and a new gatekeeper. My inner protector is the part of me that helps get me through daily life. He is the one that can hold very 3D and physical/mental tasks. My gatekeeper, on the other hand, is the guide I can lean into when it comes to opening out my soul connections and gifts.

As I felt my protector first, he was overwhelmed and trying so hard to deepen my process and make it more meaningful. But deepening my healing isn’t his responsibility. I haven’t signed up for much trauma this life and the metasoul healing I’ve done so far has healed almost all of what I have signed up for. So this part’s job has shifted massively from protecting to resting and trusting.

This new gatekeeper, who I am calling Damien, is a much higher frequency and has the key to unlocking the rest of my soul that goes beyond the trauma. He can show me the gifts, the positive experiences, the magical and deep journeys that allow for more love and cohesion between all aspects of myself.

Going through this process has helped me realize that we don’t just have to be here for trauma healing. We can go beyond – deeper into who we want to be and what we want to build for ourselves. We can grow closer and closer to essence until maybe we are even done coming back as human.

In order to get to this place we must trudge through muddy waters, deconstruct all that we have believed to be true about ourselves, love who are parts once were and dream about who we want to be. We must find the worth, do the work and stay in the room with the darkest and most difficult parts of us. But each ounce of love we take in, each connection to the Divine and each step towards forgiveness brings us through our trauma and into the “beyond”.

Beyond self consciousness, beyond fear, beyond anger, beyond anxiety and depression, even beyond much self awareness at all. The “beyond” to me is pure love, essence, passion and service.

*****

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Healing, a healing process and paradigm offering New Gaia Ascension frequencies to transmute trauma into love on emotional/spiritual/physical levels. For more information about free intro calls and 1:1 individual sessions with SoulFullHeart Facilitators, virtual group transmissions, four day gatherings in Victoria, BC, writings/books, and videos, visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com.

 

The Devouring Mother And The Healing Of The Wounded Masculine

Over the past couple of days I have been digging deep into my fear of intimacy. This was brought up by a recent situation with my beloveds where I was not forthcoming with details that I choose to keep private for now. The theme was about not trusting those that care deeply about me and are close to me. A projection of rejection and maybe even judgement on top of a rebellious undercurrent to feel myself as independent and sovereign.

As deep hurt was expressed by my push away and hiding, I could feel the walls harden around my heart. Feeling a need to not go into what used to be shame spirals. I could not feel myself as separate from it. I was The Wall. Even a voicing of a need to possibly not being a part of community in order to feel my sovereignty. A deep rebellion wanting to have its way.

The rest of the day I needed to feel my push away. This need for my masculine to seek independence from the feminine, albeit invulnerably. This voice needed to have its say. Its resistance. But as I felt more through the night, I knew this was not fully me. Not the totality of my being. As a facilitator, I knew that there is so much more to this, but I had stumbled on something quite powerful and inevitably archetypal.

Later, I heard the term “Devouring Mother” as an feminine archetype. It exploded a whole “new” awareness inside of me. I had recently just drew a further boundary with my biological mother right after a profound session about her very influence on me. As I released that dynamic even further it allowed this archetypal energy to flood my psyche subconsciously. I began to feel more distant and less open to intimate gatherings and connection. The sleeping giant of my repressed masculine was waking, as well as his relationship to the feminine via ‘Mother’.

When being given a choice to go against that communal feminine intimacy I fused to this wounded masculine need to rebel and push away. This is when I could feel the projection of the ‘Devouring Mother’ onto my beloveds. How can Sovereignty live side by side with Intimacy? This is what I wrote about earlier in a recent post about the inherent insanity of a man’s need to individuate from Mom while at the same time returning the bosom of The Mother at the same time. It is fucking maddening!

What I could feel was how my Inner Protector created a wall around this ‘Independence’ from Mom. Fuck all that would try and ‘take’ that from him after just feeling like he gained it. I put all those words in quotes because it is all a dynamic happening within and being projected out. I, Gabriel, could only fuse to the reaction to the projection. I got lost in what Jung called a Constellation. A watershed of unconscious and subconscious reaction.

In this greater understanding of this conflict between Mom and uninitiated son, I could feel how it is all being played out on the inside. The ‘Devouring Mother’ IS my Inner Mother. An inherited version of her inside of me. By taking her out of the Realm of Archetype and placing her as a part of me, I can begin to have a relationship to her that isn’t so freakin’ massive. I get to feel her needs and her fears of intimacy and of losing me as a validation of her own reason to Be. She is another version of the wounded feminine within the masculine that has great importance for us all as men on this spiritual quest and desire for empowerment, joy, liberation, and union.

For me it is a HUGE revelation and one that is just a starting point on this journey of selves-discovery that leads to Self-realization. We cannot ignore the depths to which our mothers play in our male psyche and emotional body. This internalized aspect of her leads us to a more authentic version of our masculinity, our relationship to intimacy with Other, and the Divine Mother Herself.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Journey Of The Ascending Masculine: Sometimes You Have To Be The ‘Bad Guy’ In Order To Be The ‘Real Guy’

A man’s emotional maturation and spiritual journey inevitably comes to a crossroad with his relationship to his mother.

I write about this today because I was recently contacted by my own mother and could feel the old energies of guilt and shame that underlied the old dynamic between us and within her. These were very subtle and yet not so subtle energies.

On the outside, or from another consciousness, one would view me as an awful son for drawing my boundaries I did years ago and choosing not to communicate unless we were in a similar transactional frequency. This recent message was a clear indicator that nothing much has changed.

The timing was auspicious as well as I had just had a process not just a few days ago where I felt more residual energies in my emotional and psychic bodies in regards to my mother and how her wounding affected me as a young boy and have lived in me through my inner child and inner teenager.

These frequencies of guilt and shame are huge energetic anchors that serve no one’s growth yet are portals into that very thing. The process was to say no more to those frequencies and to feel the part of me that needed to be a bit matter of fact about how it all made him feel growing up.

This is a big part of any man’s journey. Saying no more to what has lived between us and our mothers that has not been healthy. These can be really subtle the more you keep going in, especially when you are in an intimate, romantic relationship with a woman. There is stuff that has a very long shelf life unless we keep up the conscious exploration within.

The dichotomy of a man’s journey is that he needs to seek individuation from mom while entering The Mother at the same time. Moving from one womb to another. This can be a bit of a maddening process and one that I want women to have a perspective on to understand what this is like for the men in their lives. Not and excuse, mind you, just an understanding.

Sometimes this individuation process can come while in proximal relationship to our mothers, and other times it is just not possible. Some of the triggered responses can be how we could do such a thing to someone who did all they could for us and gave birth to us. Therein lies the trap. The guilt and shame.

I am grateful for all my mother did for me, and even in this process, continues to do so. However, birthing does not give permission to retain a free pass into my emotional body. It prevents any of us from arising into the man we ARE and having the kinds of sacred unions with women that no longer perpetuate this dynamic.

Sometimes you have to be the ‘bad guy’ in order to be the ‘real guy’.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Anxiety: A Peek Into The SoulFullHeart Process

By Raianna Shai

A couple of nights ago, I experienced anxiety in a way that I hadn’t in quite a long time. One thing that was very different this time was simply my awareness of it. I never totally realized that I had quite a bit of anxiety in the past. I always thought that because it wasn’t inherently debilitating that I was just an overthinker.

But I feel that this experience is quite prevalent in most of us, and is a mix of different relationships between parts of us.

For myself, it felt like my inner child feeling scared of “getting in trouble”. She wants so badly to love, feel joy and play in the beauty of life. But when things happen in my life that are more “adult” and difficult, my Protector will put her out front so that it’s harder for others to get mad at me. Who really wants to yell at a child?

My Inner Protector also has fear, for getting in trouble means he has somehow failed me. So he tends to try and avoid these situations as much as possible in order to protect my other parts such as my inner child.

Then my Inner Punisher comes into play by judging my Inner Child for getting something wrong in the first place. For he’s constantly looking for things that she could improve. When deep down, he really just judges himself for the way he feels he has to be.

All this to say that no matter how bad my anxiety or depression gets, the biggest thing that gets me through and allows me to grow from the situation is feeling the dynamics going on inside.

It’s different for everyone but what’s the same is that all of our parts ultimately want love and to be heard. So if we take the time and space (if we can) to get to know these parts of ourselves then MAYBE we can begin to draw these feelings and situations less and less.

Here is *sort of* a poem I wrote to illustrate the process I had that night!

————————————-

Tears of hopeless frustration

Feeling lost in a sea of emotion

Stomach tense in fear and expectation

Anxiety takes hold with intense ferocity

Sleep is lost to the silence of the night

Tossing and turning with measured repetition

Then I remember the family inside of me

Waiting to be felt

Waiting to be heard and loved

“What can I do for you, my loves?”

“How can I help?”

“I’m scared and just want to have joy”

Says the little one

“I fear failure, that I put you in danger”

Says the fierce protector

“I don’t like this, and I need to to fix it”

Says the punishing voice

“You are all loved, supported and heard”

I say

“You, little one, need not to worry of things in the adult world. You are the joy and love I need to tell my truth with compassion.”

“You, my loving guard, need not to protect the others. I am here now, to hold the space with intention and strength.”

“You, my precious critic, need not to judge yourself or others. You were needed once before, but now you may rest.”

And with that

The child tucked in

The protector at rest

The punisher soothed

I sleep in peace

*****

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, community, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Finding Real Love When You Come Undone

Our hearts and souls are entangled. Of course they are. We are One. But I can feel deeply, and receive guidance about the nature of our entanglement. We are seeking how to authentically love ourselves as the Divine loves Itself. We have chosen Entanglement to work so many edges and polarities of the human and celestial experience.

First you come to an awareness of entanglement either with a family member, a lover, a mate, a belief system, a conditioning, an addiction, your ego, and the plethora of psychic energies and entities that exist in this multiverse. It is mind blowing the number of entanglements we have chosen to enter into in order to fully understand the nature and embodied experience of Love.

When seen from this place, the part of you that may punish you for getting into these entanglements can start to be felt for what is truly wanting and needing to be felt. It is the fear of becoming Undone. Unseen, Unloved.

Parts of us have become so accustomed to the energy of the entanglement. It actually feels like home to them. It is known and knowable even if it isn’t healthy or if it is limiting. These parts can go on ad infinitum until one day You decide You can’t. Then the unraveling begins.

The unraveling can be a scary place to be. However, it is the most real place and the most alive. In the unraveling you are held. The degree of that truth is really up to you. It does not have to be some traumatic event that takes you into an intense Dark Night experience. It can actually be held as a birth. A process over time.

The Dark Night experience is a fusion to the part/parts of you that feel separation, void, and abandonment. This is very real to them and yet can also be mid-wifed into a new reality by the You that was never entangled in the first place. Feeling that You arises simultaneously from the disentanglement. It is a sacred paradox. Your Phoenix rising.

As you allow yourself to become Undone, with love, compassion, space, and time, a magical alchemy happens from within. You feel the parts of you that have been in hiding, scared, in trauma, as well as the protected parts that are still in joy, in magic, and in love because they were sequestered and guarded by your Inner Proctector. This process of disentanglement does not start without them. Feeling their fears and concerns first and having a relationship with them is what greases those wheels.

I feel myself disentangling from others this life and other lives as well. It is an ongoing process until it isn’t anymore. No judgement, just understanding, remorse, responsibility, and compassion. Loss, grief, and fear eventually transmute into trust, self-love, and clarity. Next stop is flow, joy, and the blissful mystery. Sometimes you need help, other times you just need You.

*****

Photo by Heather Evans Smith
http://www.heatherevanssmith.com/

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Reclaiming Authority & The Lovelight Within

Your light can never be taken. It can only be given in order to be reclaimed or shared. You have always had authority.

The more I feel and reflect on my personal healing journey and those that I have served, there is something that keeps coming to me from up ‘above’ or deep within. It is this notion that we are ultimately the creators of our reality and experiences. This can be accepted to a large degree, but there are times when it feels untrue when we are confronting some of the deeper layers of wounding both this life and others.

However, before we can really let that in, one must have the permission to feel the part that felt victimized and traumatized, as well as the part that feels rage, guilt, and shame for ever letting such traumatic circumstances happen in the first place. That must be given space in the heart but not tenure. Otherwise, it is a cycle that will continue to perpetuate itself upon itself. A negative feedback loop in a way.

I am always in awe of any of us that have come to this realization after all that we have been through. No matter how you classify the trauma, you are the beacon of a brighter day for humanity. You have a Protector that has been vigilant in the face of great challenge and pain. They have kept the light hidden but never extinguished. Even the pain proves that. That pain is the light coming through. It has always been there for you ARE Light. You ARE Love. And parts of you may not believe that for it does mean that the pain does need a landing pad.

When that Lovelight begins to be reclaimed through this feeling process, it becomes your power again. It becomes your sovereignty even though it never left. It is just this time it won’t be used to highlight the Shadow, but to be cultivated and shared with gratitude, humility, and joy. It is at that moment when you may realize the reason why your soul took the path it did. It appears as the soil from which you were reborn…again.

******

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Gatekeepers, Protectors, and Teenagers, Oh My!

I just got off my first Intro Call with a very multidimensional individual who has had deep feelings of being trapped or stuck in their current situation. They are currently assisting a parent with life circumstances. This can be very challenging if there is an emotional and spiritual dissonance, and a deep empathic sensitivity.

One of the things that I felt was the presence of a Gatekeeper who is very active and present in our awakening whenever they occur. For some, this can mean a widened and deepened view of what is occurring beyond our 5-sense reality. We can be overwhelmed by the power of this sight and felt reality. It is a reflection of how big we really are.

But it can also come with a hefty price tag if/when darker energies make their way into the lightness of being. They are like moths drawn to the flame. This can be all part of a larger karmic playout that can be very difficult to integrate in our human, earthly bodies.

The Gatekeeper can go into protection mode and shut is all down, or severely limit it. This can be really hard to deal with and is why they feel like they are “trapped in these denser frequencies”. That is because they are. They are not meant to do work here in this dimension. They are a 4D energy that is meant to be accessed and related to. They are not meant to do human work. You are.

This energy can also extend itself to our more ‘this life’ parts such as the Inner Child and/or Inner Teenager. They can get very activated through fear and frustration as to what to do with it all. This is where taking some time and space to feel all of these energies through helps to sort out what to address, heal, and integrate.

While this initially seems a bit complicated and overwhelming it is just a map of your inner emotospiritual geography that we get to explore together to unravel the mysteries and heal the cycles of trauma and unworth that lead to self-love, self-awareness, and service to others.

Right now it may feel like a lot, and it is, but with consistency and compassion, these parts of you get to lean into the You that arises out of the sorting out and feeling. It is a journey unlike any other that offers a new way of feeling yourself in this great big world of Heart and Soul you signed up for.

I would be honored to be a co-explorer and reflector for you on that journey. For more information on our free Intro Call and how the SoulFullHeart process can support you in it, click on the link below or you can PM me as well.

Much love to you at this time of our evolution and involution.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. 

Saying Hello To The Feminine Within

The one thing that feels universal about our humanity is our relationship to our masculinity and femininity. In my past and current processes I have been in an exploration of this very thing within myself. It has been one of the most illuminating parts of my journey. It has not been all of it, but has been a good portion of it. 

When I am out in the world I feel the ebbs and flows of these energies moving within and outside of me. Merging, conflicting, dancing, resisting, and hiding. Really fascinating! As humans I don’t think we can ignore this polarity that is staring at us right in the face. It has so much influence on how we relate, create, love, and hate. 

I have come in closer intimacy with the complexity and simplicity of this dynamic within me. As a man that was always in some confusion about my own masculinity I am coming to terms with what that means for me personally as I become more familiar with my feminines. Yes, plural. 

We so easily just want to make it one thing, like ‘my feminine side’. Very general and obtuse. But what if was more specific and acute. What then? What comes up to feel something inside that has its own perspective and needs? Its own voice and passion? 

The same could be said about our own Inner Child. Tapping into their voice, their needs, their passion. Now a step further. What about an Inner Feminine Child? This just goes on and on! My point is that we are much more than ‘this’ and ‘that’. We are composition of so much more than we have allowed ourselves to be open to. Of course this goes into our celestial beings as well! 

As a man, this journey is one that feels pretty important and alive. It is a journey that can help to rumble the foundations of the patriarchy by our own willingness to face what we have kept in our shadow. Our relationship to the feminine parts and aspects of us that have been sequestered for a very long time. 

Let us be like the prince that woke up Snow White and see what she has to offer us in our heart, our intuition, our sexuality, and our masculinity. She is ready to be connected to and yet fears being rejected once again. Let us feel what we fear the most about her so we can begin to heal this global dynamic once and for all.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. 

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