Being Witness To Your Own Story

By Raphael Awen

No story is very interesting without tension of some kind.

Tension by its nature requires a container or context to hold the tension in place….kind of like how sports needs courts, playing fields, and sets of rules to go by to keep them on edge. Within the container then there is also a cast of characters who provide the movements and outcomes of the tension.

When we watch a story in a movie, or read one in a great novel, we are immediately drawn into the tension of the story because our lives are also stories. Story calls to story.

We tend to think of our lives as just our lives, without seeing the story at play in our lives. This is because we are fused to the story, unwitting actors in the story who can’t see and witness the profound story.

What makes a story a story is when someone reads or watches the story and is moved by the story. If you are not watching and reading the story of your own life, then you are the story that no one is really deeply watching or observing. Unconsciously being this unwatched story is not fulfilling, as the tension of the story doesn’t flow out into the movements of heartwarming outcomes.

What are the tensions of your story? What is the particular container that holds these tensions in place in your story? Who are the cast of characters, internal and external, that play into this story? Who is the producer or writer of your story and what are they trying to get across?

Is your story finding its mark? Who has the production rights to your story? Is your story in need of some rewriting? Has someone dialed down the tension in your story that wants to play out?

Raphael Awen

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.


Navigating Choices Rather Than Avoiding Them

By Raphael Awen

While my ‘what it feels like to be me’ has shifted and grown so much in life, the thing that remains constant is the vulnerability to desire, courage and choice.

Growth doesn’t lead to less challenge, though it does afford a grace to be with challenge. Growth doesn’t mean I have less desire, or less occasions that call for deep courage.

Many are of the mind that raising their consciousness will be some kind of escape from being human, a transcendence into bliss…….only to end up feeling very small at their inability to actually achieve their desired escape.

We came here to fully feel, to choose between difficult options, to experience fully, to lose, to gain. We had all the bliss we could imagine and it grew boring and lonely. We wanted more and we still do.

If this is true, then what we’re really left with is finding a way to navigate choices, rather than a means of avoiding our choices. This is about finding and feeling each part of us invested in the losses and gains involved in any given piece of life drama. When parts of us get truly felt by us, they are freed to integrate with our hearts and surrender into the changes and growth. They become unstuck in the balm of our heart space.

Consciousness then makes great strides into new domains of being as we are prepared to vibrate at the new frequencies needed to be with life at the new level.

Raphael Awen

Being With Anxiety During Life Transitions

By Raphael Awen

After a total crash day of doing almost nothing physically, rest, rest, rest, some tears of longing under a despair of aching for 3D to shift some more in our collective and within my reality inside of that, I was able to feel very held, loved and supported.

With just two weeks and a bit left of our four year sojourn in Mexico, both Jelelle and I, and Raianna are feeling quite done with Mexico. Much of the previous appeal has lost its charm as the universes ‘prickly nest’ push into new timelines leads the way. Like a pregnant mother in her final stages of pregnancy, it’s not all easy or comfortable. We’re feeling not quite here and not quite there at the same time.

These times of transition with less routine are a precious time to feel yourself and parts of you. I’ve made it my practice and joy to deeply ‘go in’, in any time of transition or change.

Day before yesterday, I tallied the numbers of our Canada budget and had some reaction of anxiety about the money. It felt like a fraction of what I’ve ever felt in times past around money, yet, it was still there, a kind of shutdown inside that I had to give space to move through and feel. It’s interesting too, that these much smaller reactions than the ones I’ve known in times past are some offset by the fact that I feel way more sensitive to my emotional body, so in another way, they feel almost as big in the moment. They certainly feel big enough to call my attention and heart and feel what parts of me or in my Metasoul are wanting and asking for to be felt.

Interesting too, with that signature feeling of anxiety about money pushed up into my feeling space, I was easily able to time travel back to the me in times past, who lived and fueled my life with the anxiety about money. It feels real to me that we can change our lives in the present by going back in time to give love and heart presence to the parts of ourselves that felt trapped in an all too real reality where anxiety (or any other prominent suffering) was the order of the day. When a part of us from our past gets to shift their reality, that creates a waveform that flows into our present.

Last night, I had a dream, a full on night dream, where a woman told me she had a check for us in the amount of $50,000 dollars. At a time when 500 dollars would make a big difference and one thousand would be huge, $50,000 feels like a really strange reality to live into. I so can feel that our collective current relationship to money and anxiety about money is only a reality because of what connection it always was meant to lead us to inside of ourselves. Were it not for an anxiety or a depression, we wouldn’t desire and long for the heaven we are returning to and expanding into. I can feel a new timeline reality emerging for all of us, where money focus and scarcity just isn’t part of our waking consciousness. I’ve made big strides into this new world already of feeling free from the constraints of money pressures, of feeling free to pursue my dreams, but there is a ways to go here yet that calls to me.

You may very much be feeling a call to step into deep changes in your life; decision points about relationships, jobs, careers, bankruptcy possibly, that to a part of you, feel like stepping off a cliff. Yet, you know, you are being invited into deep change. I deeply believe that when we can proactively let these present forms of our life go through the metamorphosis that the universe is bringing to us, by choosing the ripe change timeline, we spare ourselves the trauma and shock of having life implode and explode change into our lives. In other words, we decide (or we don’t) on whether we play victim to change, or whether we consciously lead and live into the changes. Doing this healthily involves feeling the parts of ourselves in their reactions to the potential choices and changes. Simply feeling these parts of ourselves is the magic that lets in the new reality that wants to come into our awareness and reality.

This lived in and experienced reality is then what provides the courage and direction for the next step.

If you’re up for this; congratulations! You’ve just returned to the land of the advent of your adventurous self reaping the fullest benefits of what you came here to feel and manifest.

Raphael Awen

The Gifts Of A Scathing Email From A Former Friend

By Raphael Awen

I received news of quite a scathing email today from an old friend of who I hadn’t spoken with in over 14 years. He blasted me for disowning my daughters, amongst other things. I chose not to read the email as it didn’t have any tones of care or respect, but I did let the contact from this friend and some of his energy land in my heart for some up-to-date digestion.

Kelvin (not his real name) and I met in church life, where we and our young families were a part of the leadership team. His family and mine enjoyed a magical missions experience living and traveling together for three months in remote places in the Philippines. We shared similar kinds of livelihoods as independent contractors and I learned many skills and trades by working alongside Kelvin. Kelvin had a hidden side that was becoming not so hidden as part of him said ‘fuck the hiding’ and his world began to rumble when he eventually openly admitted to being gay, and admitted to being abusive to his wife. His wife asked my help and a few other friends to assist her to pack up and leave their home on a 3 hour stealth mission when Kelvin was away one evening. Kelvin was broken to somewhere deep in his core and the next morning, he was at my door, knowing I was one of the people who had helped his wife make an escape. I was prepared for an attempt at a punch in the face, but was surprised when he simply said ‘Thank you for helping Carol, it was the right thing to do.’

Kelvin and I’s relationship went through several contexts, and nearing the end of our relationship, I perceived him to be distant and unreachable, so painfully similar to all the male friendships in my life. Now, I can see that this distance and unreachability had to do with a distance and unreachability inside of myself, that the universe was reflecting to me in my relationship with all of my male friends. I co-created that reality and the suffering patterns.

I consciously longed for male intimacy, knowing it had to do with my own father’s emotional distance, but still suffering with feeling on the outside of being unable to deeply connect with any of my male friends, all of whom had been in my life for many years and through many changes. In 2005, after thinning out more and more of my Christian faith, I realized that the last pillar of my faith was about to implode, and after that, I couldn’t call myself a Christian any longer. I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour. I was withdrawing the confession of my faith, or ‘renouncing my Christianity’, you could say. I simply stated quietly to those closest to me, that I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour, and this was an earthquake that none of my personal social life could sustain. My relationships with my wife and daughters all entered a surprising and sudden completion of the old, not knowing what may or may not arise in any new context.

Strangely though, Kelvin and I’s relationship had been quiet for some time and when we did meet one last time, it was post to my Christianity and with Kelvin living in an openly gay lifestyle, each of us had again a resonance on one level with being outside of the worlds we once knew and treasured, each for our own reasons. I shared some of my new found beliefs and values with Kelvin, but felt a distinct disinterest in him beyond a polite listening. Part of me so wanted to be done with any of the male tugging for intimacy patterns that were all too present in my (by now mostly absent) relationships with men. We never spoke again and it felt like it had just run out of gas; complete in what the transactable relationship was meant to bring us.

Strange though to fast forward 13 years and receive a blast of anger from Kelvin. I so see now that anyone from our past that we no longer have transaction with, we can’t actually be outside of relationship with, on a higher level that is. All of us are far too connected and are actually ‘all-one’, rather than ‘alone’ though our perceptions of things may beg to differ. What was striking to me was that it was also just this week that I wrote of breaking through some lifelong and significant barriers in my relationships with men in my deep friendship with Gabriel Heartman and our now 6 years of intense heart, soul and geographical journey together. I can so feel how me breaking a barrier inside of myself where my male relationship patterns are concerned that then ripples out into the Metasoul and Metasouls that we share, and we unmistakably ping on each others radar.

Part of Kelvin appears to be pissed that I broke the codes we shared, committed ourselves to, and suffered within. I believe I went on to begin to grasp the real prize that we are all in search of – really coming home to oneself inside of our own hearts and then finding that naturally mirror itself out into new relationship patterns with others.

I feel the sacred gift of the times and memories we shared, and what it brought us to and what it brought us through. I feel the sacred gift too even of the scathing email, that again offers me a digestion point of my own journey and what I am being invited into – internally and externally. One also needs some ‘before and after’ pictures to take in how much one has shifted their reality, to hold any wakes needed to shed any residual tears that parts of us may still hold and need to digest. We are all players in each others movies, inextricably linked. When one finds gold, we all find gold, and invite others into the undeniable newness that belongs to the all, and can be leased by any one willing to own it as a steward.

What is unmistakably shaking down or apart in your world? How does this correspond to an inner shaking/completion? What digestions are parts of you needing to have to be able to move on healthily without suppression? What heart knowing do you have with these parts? What would you be willing to pay to purchase this field in which you unmistakably discovered this pearl of great price?

Raphael Awen

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.

Welcoming The Peaks And The Valleys Of Awakening

By Raphael Awen

You can have what you want. That’s not actually the question.

The bigger question is about being ready to have what you want.

A part of you may readily say ‘oh, believe me, I’m ready! I’m so ready, I’m getting both depressed and impatient waiting to have what I really want.’

But this is only taking into consideration one part of you. Other parts of you can be just off your radar and actively resisting you (or what we call ‘you’) as they are not interested at all in these big changes ‘you’ feel you are so ready for. This resistive part of you is not something you can control, but it is something that you are responsible for, and something that you need to become responsive to.

Then, there is also another aspect of you, that is probably also just off your radar and that is your higher self. Your higher self may have chosen a preferred path of difficulty and going without something that another part of you deeply desires in order to learn and grow through a difficulty. It wouldn’t actually be a growth crucible without this tension between what ‘you’ want and don’t want. Your higher self is also something you cannot control, but it is something you are responsible for and that you also need to become more responsive to.

You are not a victim. Your life as you know it now is shaped by you, and the life you will come to know in the future is also shaped by you.

Your life as it is right now, warts and all, is perfect in the midst of imperfection. You are perfect while growing and learning. All the angst, pain and confusion is sacred. You had so much heaven that you needed to dial up hell in order to grow. Your soul loved the heaven it knew, but it also wanted more, and it knew the path to more was though the tension of less.

Consciously letting go of reaching for peak experiences and instead welcoming your awaiting valley experiences is what your soul may be asking of you. You may have very much needed your awakening experiences that happened through the peak experiences to let you know what is possible and what awaits you. But now, your soul wants you to let go of what a part of you may be be in danger of becoming quite addicted to, in order now to more consciously connect to what you actually came here for.

Whether conscious or not, you can’t escape growth. Growth is built into the DNA of the universe that you are a part of. While you can’t escape growth, you can accept your awakening to what is, and even the need to mourn the loss of your deep night’s rest in the 3D fusion of unconsciousness.

Now, as you are awakening, you are offered a conscious choice that your path up, is a path down. The downward path is a matter of feeling all there is to feel that you were not able to feel while asleep in 3D consciousness.

This will involve feeling crappy on a regular basis for a good amount of time. If this isn’t an option for ‘you’, then you are not yet ready for this deeper more conscious path of healing, but you can be assured, all of us will be invited and re-invited to return here just as soon and we are ready to. It is what we came here for. We came here to ascend with all of us, without any ‘lesser’ parts of us left behind being punished for any insubordination, or for just not getting the program.

Time now to look at what we’ve called ‘spiritual practices’ to feel where they are actually about transcending in the name of ascending, where they are about not feeling, rather than true healing.

We all come eventually to having what we most deeply want, with the fullest and deepest bliss that we can’t quite imagine. We are living our way to being able to imagine it as we feel and heal the parts of us still in deep pain that were covered over with our positive spirituality agendas.

Time now for a negative spirituality agenda that sees it all as sacred.

Raphael Awen

Preparing For Multidimensional Travel

By Raphael Awen

For the person who’s never travelled outside of their home country, it can feel like a kind of cognitive dissonance to consider what life would be like to travel to other countries.

Likewise for those of us who haven’t (consciously at least) visited other planets or met beings from other planets, we’re kind of left wrestling with a similar kind of cognitive dissonance where entering these new domains are concerned.

I’ve been to lots of other countries and have spent a lot of time away from what I was oriented to as home. I haven’t yet crossed the rubicon of direct, physical kind of experience with other planets and the beings who reside there.

I’ve signed up for the galactic geography and sociology classes though. My appetite is growing and the awareness is increasing daily that my Gaia/earth familiarity is a very limited awareness of life and the universe. I’m about to leave the family farm and I’m not quite sure what to pack, or how the travel ports of departure and destination work. I’m willing to not-know my way to knowing.

I will be irreversibly changed at these points of experience. So will all of us. Is your appetite preparing you for what is coming and even upon us now?

My god, so many are going to be wearing that incredulous look on their faces of ‘how could I have ever bought into the notion that we are the only planet with so-called ‘intelligent’ life?’

Raphael Awen

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.

Collapsing The Internal Tug Of War

By Raphael Awen

Is it at all a possibility that an anxious feeling or thought about the future is actually more to do with a fear of letting go of something familiar in the present, a kind of projection onto the future?

If that feels true, then it’s up to you to go find the part of you that holds the fear of loss – feel their reality, as distinct from yours. Feel what they fear losing and why. Find the tears underneath the triggers. Now, a new and self loving new possibility is much more free to arise and flow into your energy, your reality, your ‘life’.

When we don’t feel parts of ourselves and their reality, we are left with a kind of flatlined waveform reality that we call our life, but in reality is an unaddressed tension of living immobilized between the tension and polarity of these parts of ourselves, each of them exerting strong energetic and emotional reality broadcasts across the screens of our lives.

When we go in to simply feel each part’s reality, without trying to fix anything, we feel the part that wants to stay in one place forever and we feel the part who has already long left the building. When these parts of us feel the feelings of what it feels like to be felt by us, their reality and energy simply shifts. The internal tug of war collapses, and life and love are free to flow again.

I’m feeling this for myself in a renewed way again as Jelelle and I are thirty some days away from moving ourselves and a few suitcases of belongings to Canada (Victoria, BC), leaving behind 4 years here in Mexico. The geography change is part of the shifts and changes of livelihood and passion-purpose expression in the world. Anxieties about money (which is really a form of love), or the community building that we feel drawn to do there (another form of love), are really more to do with a fear of having more; of feeling unprepared for that unknown and untried ‘more’, of not knowing how to navigate more – for a part of me, that is, who has become familiar with living in less in some form or another.

Here now, I get to see and feel how anxiety is not a limiting energy on the more that I and other parts of me consciously desire, but rather a portal, and a direct portal at that, to the gold my heart and soul longs for.

What if the anxiety, depression and the long list of other unwanted emotions we work hard to mask and avoid are really supergate portals to the new world, to new earth, Golden earth realities that our hearts and souls know is possible?

If that’s true, then it’s time to let go, (or begin to at least) of letting go of ways of life, spiritualities, relationships, that are really about numbing ourselves to our pain.

Many are finding to their surprise that between them and their trusted beloveds exists an unconscious, but ironclad non-disclosure agreement that states that if either of us break the code of disclosing our real pain to ourselves, to one another or to our world, that we agree to be banned forever from connection. It’s a device that a powerful part of us set in place and cocreated to ensure that we would stay safe and securely small.

What would it be to make new connections in relationship where something like the opposite was true; where people were only in relationship with you for the currency exchange of your realness and radical self-honesty and vulnerability?

We haven’t explored that reality yet very far as a collective consciousness, but I can tell you that I have explored it seriously as a single consciousness, with a small band of ‘others, and find it utterly expansive and a journey like no other. I invite you into this exploration of yourself if it calls to you. I can aid you in making light years of consciousness growth come alive in your world if this is something your heart and soul are ready to undertake.

Raphael Awen

Please check into the link above as a decision point of your next steps into life and love in the frequency I speak of today. Thank you for tracking me and my words.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.

Power Of Creation Through Words

By Raphael Awen

I’m feeling how our thoughts take on the power of our words.

The words that come off of our lips and tongue are literally a waveform of vibration that go on to manifest according to the seed of those words. The root word of The word ‘language’ is ‘lingua’, which roughly translated means ‘flapper’. Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, this same root word is present in the word, ‘lingham’ which is another waveform flapper that probes and beacons into the world to create new realities that didn’t exist before.

Both of these ‘flappers’ or waveform generators need the fertile ground of the feminine dance to actually create new worlds, but this feminine is the abundant ground of desire and feeling, that readily takes this sleepy power and alchemizes it into a waking reality, regardless of our awareness of it or not.

What all this means has something to do with the fact that you are creating a whole lot more than part of you has been willing to recognize. And what’s getting more intense, is that this subtle power has moved even more intensely not just to the creative power of our words, but also of our thoughts. Our words are seeded by our thoughts, and our thoughts arise from parts of ourselves and their reality.

What we are invited to feel is how our thoughts are all the waveform vibrations of specific parts of ourselves, that make up what we’ve thought of as ‘us’. You are a make up of parts and those parts each have a signature waveform vibration of relating to reality, and when you tune in this waveform, you give them the gift of feeling felt – a rich feeling of landing in a warm heart.

Now, this waveform vibration of thought is no longer just manifesting haphazardly and running amuck in our lives. We get to filter with the heart of our emerging Higher Self awareness each of these thought waveforms and love them, feel them, transmute them into new waveforms to manifest according to our Higher Heart.

What thoughts flowing through you are asking your attention and love?

Raphael Awen

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.

You Are The Law Of Attraction In Motion

By Raphael Awen

The dawning realization that we are the creators of our own realities, leads us to accepting response-ability to and for that created world. It’s both a made up world and a very real world at the same time. (What reality is there that isn’t ‘made up’?)

Many people attempt to jump from this realization to the idea of creating the world that a part of them really wants, usually made up of externals like things or relationships that make them feel good – a seeking of a kind of medication to numb their deeper pain. The law of attraction teaching comes to mind. Good truth for sure, but in service of what, is my question?

What about instead seeing that your present reality is already been perfectly created by you and parts of you, very much including the things you, or parts of you, like or don’t like.

The law of attraction isn’t something any one of us needs to ‘get working’ in our lives. The law of attraction explains our lives. We are the law of attraction in motion.

‘Real’izing this, we get to accept response-ability for what we have created, rather than seek to use the law of attraction in an ill fated attempt to pave over what we have created.

In facing and loving the unlovable is how we go on effortlessly to create new worlds that didn’t exist before.

Raphael Awen

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.

Photo by Dave Poore on Unsplash

Being Sourced In Love

By Raphael Awen

Until you accept that every want and every desire is coming ultimately from love, you are unable to see the forest for the trees.

Even the so-called ‘evil’ desires for self-gratification, power, control, destruction are all part of love’s reality that provide contrast and comparison for love to be seen and known for what it is.

Our deep rooted fears of imprisonment in a matrix that we cannot escape from stem from this staggering oneness in love that we are inescapably embedded in.

Our collective and personal attempts at hate, evil and greed are only escape attempts from this essence we are. Existentially, we have a need to press the boundaries, test the edges, and to see what actually is or isn’t. We simply cannot believe the immensity and power of love that we are informed from and with.

Looking at the big trees standing so strong before us of our separation, our tendency for war, our corporate greed, etc. only obscures the forest of love that these trees have their place and rightful lease in; the forest of love. There is only one forest.

This picture is equally true inside of you. You wouldn’t claim to be ALL love as far as every motive and act is concerned, would you? There are the parts of us who are in conflict with other aspects of ourselves who must control, suppress, dominate, obscure, hide, lack integrity, and manipulate with an agenda. There are other parts of us who would of course work hard to keep these aspects hidden even from our own acknowledgment, let alone being called out by others.

But these very aspects of our being are also sourced and rooted in love. There is no other essence in the universe for them to be coming from. They are only doing and being what made perfect sense to them to find their way in the service of love to protect, to manage, to survive in the context of life as they know it and experienced it. Our being chose the experience of the convincing illusion of not-love as a way to come to terms with the love that we are.

The war is over. Love has already won. It wasn’t really a war actually, as there was only one Sovereign behind this war playing both sides to the middle; the center of everything; the center of love. Parts of you just don’t know it yet.

And herein lies the meaning of what we call life.

Life is simply a story of you, me, along with every last bit of super intelligence finding this out for ourselves; for our varied selves; the parts of us marooned on distant islands, loyal to their posts, hunkered down for the long haul who never got the memo that the war is over; that the war was never even a bona fide war in the first place.

Love is knocking on your door today, official signed and sealed memo from on high in hand. You are inescapably and completely love. The post war reality is now to embrace every part of yourself for whom this is not yet true and find ways to accustom them to this new reality as they are ready, willing and wanting.

Raphael Awen

I open my heart to serving you to choose your next growth places. What is next on your heart and soul trajectory? What are your desires and frustrations trying to tell you? Please check out the link above, and be in touch soon.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.