By Raphael Awen
Do you see yourself in some ways as different and unique from anyone else you’ve ever met?
Have you ever looked out upon the sea of spiritual offerings and spiritual teachers and the people in those communities, and just honestly said to yourself, I just can’t see myself being a genuine part of anything I can see out there?!
Prior to that, I have also found myself in long term settings and groups thinking I was there for life. I’d found the truth and that felt good to be settled around that, until that ‘nest for life’ became evident that the mama eagle was again making the nest prickly, preparing me to make a do or die leap from the nest, into a new world of flight.
Belonging and being a part of something larger than just myself was wired in me. That part I didn’t question. What I did come to question in community experience very deeply was where was the transparency, the vulnerability, and sometimes just where was the garden variety honesty in everyday life.
I knew I was being invited to become more and more honest with myself, but I wasn’t so sure the group I was a part of wanted that like I wanted it. The culture that we had created up till then was a different kind of social contract between us, and now, I was the one seeking to revise the unspoken agreements and sub-agreements within our dynamics.
I knew all too well, just from looking within myself, that people who believe they have thee truth are set upon preserving that truth, exporting that truth, feeling good about themselves for having found such worthy occupation and even divine calling.
I knew I was breaking a contract. The words of ‘I’m here forever’ had to be revised to mean that ‘you are in my heart forever, but I am called to journey outside of this precious home that has held me and you and us so beautifully for the time that it has’.
Not one person from within my known world wanted to join me in that kind of exploration. They remained true to the culture we had upheld so faithfully. And It wasn’t their time, simply like how for me, in a couple decades worth of belonging within something, it hadn’t been my time to look beyond its comforting confines. I grew and bloomed where I was planted; until I simply no longer could.
What came next however, was a deep despair.
I knew that if I found anything that just felt real, really real, transparently real, I’d be wanting to be a part of it. But whatever I checked out in the worlds of spirituality that I previously felt were way off in my watertight convictions about what was really true, I came to feel that the same kind of hiding from my former worlds was going on relationally and emotionally in the social fabric of these communities I considered being a part of. The frequencies may have been higher, and more evolved, and more sophisticated, and even more resonant in many ways, but I was stuck on this inescapable bottom line point of that unless we get real, with ourselves and in turn with one another, there really isn’t any hope for meaningful change, or any hope for truly having any fun for that matter.
I thought about how it might look to go forward in life, without really being much a part of anything deeper community wise. I didn’t like that feeling.
That’s precisely when I felt called to lead something new and to be a part of something new. I was surprised by seeing my lifelong focus of finding the right group led by others, within which I could really shine, in someone else’s container, seeing that arrangement have to be let go of, in order to say yes to something new, in order to say yes to a calling. As destiny would so beautifully have it, I was given a mate, Jelelle, with which to share and fuel that dream, and things unfolded to today.
But back to you for a moment, if I may?…
Where are you at? What are you feeling in your truth as you so graciously take in my truth? What are you doing with your own version of feeling (if that is in fact what you are feeling) that you can’t find a place you could fit in, with your honesty, with your transparency, with your truth, with your feelings of having outgrown previous settings and previous ways of being? What is it that you really want? I believe there is something apparent to you that you really want, and that something answers the rest of the somethings that need answering.
I’m saying all this to extend an invite to you, but honestly, it’s not really an ‘everyone welcome’ sign like the one that so unconditionally lovingly sits out front many churches, communities or spiritual groups. I know too much about what can’t work for me to make that kind of invitation. Everyone is welcome in my heart as my equal, but not to have in my active connection as it’s only through shared resonance around shared values that makes for a real connection. My invite is more exclusive. All of us, I feel, kind of self-organize into where we find deep and true resonance.
My invite today is more exclusive to those who share this honesty piece, this despair piece, this yearning for something different piece. My invitation is to come in closer in deep resonance and transparency in community.
What could shared resonance in shared community look like for you? How could your sovereignty be enhanced rather than sacrificed by being a part of something meaningful?
I may well be speaking to a single soul right now. I know this is meant for someone and maybe some more ones beyond that. But one is really all that matters, because the all is contained in the one, and the one is contained in the all.
On one hand, I don’t need you to be interested in my offer, as I feel a deep trust in the divine within that this desire in me, is destined to continue to be fulfilled, but on the other hand, unless a you, if not you, shows up to play, I have less with whom to play. I can’t be fulfilled as an island to myself. I need you. I want you. I’m not complete without you.
Ok, this is getting a bit deep. I’ll try not to apologize for my passion, and instead simply ask you to check into who I am, who my wife and I are as a couple, what we lead and offer, and beyond to who we are as a community, to feel if what you’ve felt rumble and resonate in you in my words today has any legs beyond remaining in a distant orbit in our galaxy.
I really do hope you find where you are meant to be where you thrive, flourish and grow like a weed, but with the beauty and bounty of a rose. I hope you get smelled and appreciated often, up close and personal, for your true fragrance. I hope a year from now, that you and those around you hardly recognize you for the aliveness that’s unfolded in you.
But please choose. For your sake, for mine, and all of ours. Nothing changes the world like your choice does and ongoingly finding your place.
There’s a few places to check deeper into my world, here on Facebook, on our website, YouTube, group calls, etc. I’d be beyond delighted to hear from you personally and I promise most of all to be real, and treasure your reaching out!
Thanks for feeling this and allowing it to take you where it will.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheart.org for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc.
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