By Raianna Shai
A couple of nights ago, I experienced anxiety in a way that I hadn’t in quite a long time. One thing that was very different this time was simply my awareness of it. I never totally realized that I had quite a bit of anxiety in the past. I always thought that because it wasn’t inherently debilitating that I was just an overthinker.
But I feel that this experience is quite prevalent in most of us, and is a mix of different relationships between parts of us.
For myself, it felt like my inner child feeling scared of “getting in trouble”. She wants so badly to love, feel joy and play in the beauty of life. But when things happen in my life that are more “adult” and difficult, my Protector will put her out front so that it’s harder for others to get mad at me. Who really wants to yell at a child?
My Inner Protector also has fear, for getting in trouble means he has somehow failed me. So he tends to try and avoid these situations as much as possible in order to protect my other parts such as my inner child.
Then my Inner Punisher comes into play by judging my Inner Child for getting something wrong in the first place. For he’s constantly looking for things that she could improve. When deep down, he really just judges himself for the way he feels he has to be.
All this to say that no matter how bad my anxiety or depression gets, the biggest thing that gets me through and allows me to grow from the situation is feeling the dynamics going on inside.
It’s different for everyone but what’s the same is that all of our parts ultimately want love and to be heard. So if we take the time and space (if we can) to get to know these parts of ourselves then MAYBE we can begin to draw these feelings and situations less and less.
Here is *sort of* a poem I wrote to illustrate the process I had that night!
Tears of hopeless frustration
Feeling lost in a sea of emotion
Stomach tense in fear and expectation
Anxiety takes hold with intense ferocity
Sleep is lost to the silence of the night
Tossing and turning with measured repetition
Then I remember the family inside of me
Waiting to be felt
Waiting to be heard and loved
“What can I do for you, my loves?”
“How can I help?”
“I’m scared and just want to have joy”
Says the little one
“I fear failure, that I put you in danger”
Says the fierce protector
“I don’t like this, and I need to to fix it”
Says the punishing voice
“You are all loved, supported and heard”
“You, little one, need not to worry of things in the adult world. You are the joy and love I need to tell my truth with compassion.”
“You, my loving guard, need not to protect the others. I am here now, to hold the space with intention and strength.”
“You, my precious critic, need not to judge yourself or others. You were needed once before, but now you may rest.”
And with that
The child tucked in
The protector at rest
The punisher soothed
I sleep in peace
Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, community, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.