Anxiety: A Peek Into The SoulFullHeart Process

By Raianna Shai

A couple of nights ago, I experienced anxiety in a way that I hadn’t in quite a long time. One thing that was very different this time was simply my awareness of it. I never totally realized that I had quite a bit of anxiety in the past. I always thought that because it wasn’t inherently debilitating that I was just an overthinker.

But I feel that this experience is quite prevalent in most of us, and is a mix of different relationships between parts of us.

For myself, it felt like my inner child feeling scared of “getting in trouble”. She wants so badly to love, feel joy and play in the beauty of life. But when things happen in my life that are more “adult” and difficult, my Protector will put her out front so that it’s harder for others to get mad at me. Who really wants to yell at a child?

My Inner Protector also has fear, for getting in trouble means he has somehow failed me. So he tends to try and avoid these situations as much as possible in order to protect my other parts such as my inner child.

Then my Inner Punisher comes into play by judging my Inner Child for getting something wrong in the first place. For he’s constantly looking for things that she could improve. When deep down, he really just judges himself for the way he feels he has to be.

All this to say that no matter how bad my anxiety or depression gets, the biggest thing that gets me through and allows me to grow from the situation is feeling the dynamics going on inside.

It’s different for everyone but what’s the same is that all of our parts ultimately want love and to be heard. So if we take the time and space (if we can) to get to know these parts of ourselves then MAYBE we can begin to draw these feelings and situations less and less.

Here is *sort of* a poem I wrote to illustrate the process I had that night!

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Tears of hopeless frustration

Feeling lost in a sea of emotion

Stomach tense in fear and expectation

Anxiety takes hold with intense ferocity

Sleep is lost to the silence of the night

Tossing and turning with measured repetition

Then I remember the family inside of me

Waiting to be felt

Waiting to be heard and loved

“What can I do for you, my loves?”

“How can I help?”

“I’m scared and just want to have joy”

Says the little one

“I fear failure, that I put you in danger”

Says the fierce protector

“I don’t like this, and I need to to fix it”

Says the punishing voice

“You are all loved, supported and heard”

I say

“You, little one, need not to worry of things in the adult world. You are the joy and love I need to tell my truth with compassion.”

“You, my loving guard, need not to protect the others. I am here now, to hold the space with intention and strength.”

“You, my precious critic, need not to judge yourself or others. You were needed once before, but now you may rest.”

And with that

The child tucked in

The protector at rest

The punisher soothed

I sleep in peace

*****

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, community, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Loving Your Inner Beast

By Raianna Shai

Self judgement and unworthiness are feelings that are hard to reach the root of. It can take years of unraveling just why and how we truly see ourselves and how it plays out in our lives. We can point fingers at all the people who made us feel small. The people who judged us. The people who could never forgive our mistakes. The people who invalidated our feelings.

But what about the part of you that has done all the same things? The part that tells you you’re not good enough. That constantly reminds you of your mistakes. That judges every move you make, every awkward thing you do. What if this part of you wasn’t just judging you, but judging itself? And what if all the hate and anger and insults were just this part’s way of trying to protect you? We are not victims to our circumstances, so anyone or anything that hurts you is a reflection of a part inside that hurts you too.

I’ve been working with this part of me lately, which can be called a Punisher part, to feel how and why my insecurity can get in the way of my own self love and how it affects my relationships. His name is Brutus and he sees himself as a beast – like in Beauty and the Beast. And all of the goodness that lives inside me can be represented by a rose covered in a glass case. He is fiercely loyal and strives to protect this rose by any means necessary. But his version of protection is to judge her until she does everything perfectly – then no one else can judge her.

This part of me is not easy to feel. He is harsh, brutal and very unforgiving. Every person that has ever gotten mad at me, judged me, or insulted me has actually been backed up by him. He takes everything that was said or felt about me and multiplies it by 10. He expects me to do better, he feels ashamed for how I acted or things I said, he punishes me for doing something wrong.

So instead of using the knowledge and intuition he has about my emotions to protect me, he actually just makes me feel worse about it. But one thing I’ve learned is that he just wants love himself. In his vulnerability, he feels so much remorse for how he has made other parts of me feel about themselves and in turn, other people. He feels he doesn’t deserve love or forgiveness.

But the second me and all parts of me truly forgave him, he started to shift massively. He turned into a prince and he could feel all that he has to offer. Intuition, discernment, and a healthy protection and transparency about how I’m really feeling.

So when I am feeling unworthiness or when there is a truth I need to say to someone, I can call on him and his opened out heart to say what I need to say. Instead of letting my hurt build up and explode out, we will work together to be honest and loving to ourselves and others. Because kindness cannot come from an empty vessel. We must cultivate it within ourselves so deeply, that we can’t help but overflow into others.

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, community, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

A Peek Into The SoulFullHeart Process: Gatekeeper Edition

By Raianna Shai

I recently felt the desire within myself to write and share more often. I felt into what it is that my heart could offer in order to serve with passion and curiosity and not out of duty or obligation. Then I came to the conclusion that closest to my heart is my personal process. In some moments I feel that I can teach and offer clarities, but what’s most prominent for me in this moment is my parts process. I’m sure there are many who are curious about what the SoulFullHeart process entails, how it is unique to each person, and how it can shift and change your reality, so I wanted to provide some answers for those questions.

I’m not at the very beginning of this process as I’ve been doing about a year and a half of sessions now, but the beautiful thing about it is that we’re kind of all beginners, all the time. Our souls are so vast and deep that it seems would could be discovering more about it for the rest of our lives. But the biggest shifts seem to happen in the beginning, when 3D is being let go of and we begin to know our parts and gain trust with them and the Divine.

I’ve let go of a lot of 3D. Relationships, jobs, certain ways of living. I’m at the point in my process now where I’m breaking more and more into 4D and 5D. Discovering more of my soul and metasoul rather than this-life experiences. The beginning of that journey has been connecting with what we call a Gatekeeper. You can read more about them here and more about 3D/4D/5D here.

My Gatekeeper’s name is Pandora. I connected with her many months ago, thinking of her as a Protector rather than something more multidimensional. Feeling her now, she has revealed herself to be the guardian of my soul – particularly the darker and more somber metasoul timelines.

In my last session, Kalayna and I visited her where she lives etherically. She was open to the visit and showed us the “bunker” that she lived in. It was dark, dreary and had a feeling of deep sadness that made the air seem thicker. To me it felt like a tombstone, full of death and sorrow and pain. She had a separate room for her Pandora’s Box where it felt like she kept my metasoul connections. I felt martyrdom in her – this feeling of protecting me from any shadow in my soul by holding and feeling it all herself. Like jumping on a bomb to save me.

But I didn’t wish her to hold onto that at all! In fact, it kept me from feeling and healing those parts of my soul so that they could transmute into love. But I understood how she couldn’t trust me to be big enough to hold all of that quite yet. I still had some healing to do with my parts and maybe I still have a bit more left. Kalayna asked if there was anywhere else we could take her, somewhere lighter, somewhere she enjoyed and we could breathe.

So we left the bunker and right outside was hill with a giant and ancient tree sitting on top. I felt her familiarity with this tree as a place of sanctuary for when she was feeling more open. I could feel then how much she suffered over her own suffering, which inspired to be the soul big enough to heal this shadow for the both of us.

My Inner Teenager Ariana and Inner Child Raia were waiting excitedly for us at the top of the hill under the great tree. I felt a relief in Pandora after many tears and feeling the joy and purity of Ariana and Raia. She finally allowed herself to be felt and understood, and we finally had the trust between us to support the process with love.

What felt like something so small – just simply listening to and feeling this aspect of myself – opened out a whole new world of potential soul and emotional healing. I can’t give enough testimonials to this work which dives so deeply into YOU like so little else can. There’s so much left for me to feel, heal, discover, and love up so I hope you’ve enjoyed letting this in and my parts and I look forward to sharing more!

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.